Theater of the Absurd

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IDS, BE CAREFUL OF ANYONE WHO LURES YOU WITH CANDY.

In this instance, it's a metaphor for either the unknown or broken promises. Neither has a happy ending.

P.S. My dearest tells me I remind them of the skeptical unicorn Charlie. Yes it's true: I'm jaded by experience!

But I still have both my kidneys.

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Posted July 4, 2008

Revel In The Fireworks Exploding On New York's Gossip Pages

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HO NEEDS TO WAIT FOR DUSK TO FALL TO TAKE IN PYROTECHNICS? On this July 4th, all you need to do is hopscotch between the web's wags to get an earful on several flaming celebrity love matches.

As London wags continue the see-sawing "Will they? Won't they?" speculation about Madonna and Guy Ritchie's alleged impending divorce, New York's news gadflies stalk rock'n roll's High Priestess for evidence of a fling with everybody's favorite bat boy, A-Rod, a.k.a. New York Yankee's Alex Rodriguez.

No sooner had Madonna's longtime spokeswoman Liz Rosenberg denied the latest tryst than other Manhattan newsies reported that Rodriguez's wife Cynthia had sought solace in Paris in the arms of Rocker Lenny Kravitz.

An anonymous source tells Us Weekly that Cynthia "doesn't believe they are just friends. Something deeply suspicious is happening," the source adds. "Cynthia did leave because she is sure this is all true."

Kravitz, for his part, spit out a denial that he was breaking the Seventh Commandment. "I opened my home to her as a friend and I find it extremely hurtful that I am now being referred to as an adulterer," Kravitz said in a statement.

In the meantime, Ritchie showed up in New York for a photo op to show the world that all is well between him and the Mrs. Here's a thought: Maybe they've agreed to have an open marriage? Seems hardly out of the realm of possibility in Madonna's world.

And if that's not enough drama for you, tune into the goings-on in Central Islip, N.Y. a mere 40 miles west of Madge's stateside condo. That's where former supermodel Christie Brinkley, 54, tearfully testified that her world was "shattered" after she discovered her husband Peter Cook, 49 was a sleazoid who had an affair with an 18-year-old girl and spent thousands on internet porn."

After his wife's dramatic performance, Cook snipped to reporters that "Shrek was more believable."

Tune in tomorrow for the next chapter of "As the World Turns." And thank you're lucky stars that should your love life fizzle, the public spectacle will be much, much smaller.

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Posted July 4, 2008

If This is 'Scientology,' Then Let's Import It To America's Failing Public Schools!

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TRAIGHT UP, I'M GONNA SAY THAT I DO NOT, WOULD NOT, EVER, ADVOCATE PRACTICING ONE SO-CALLED RELIGION OVER ANOTHER. Catholicism, Buddhism, Mormonism, Oprahism -- you name it, religion is a personal matter that fills the void in many lives. And I for one would never say that one was better than the next.

Hailing from the City of Brotherly Love, Crabby takes America's freedom of religion very seriously. If you want to pray to ancient aliens, practice nihilism, worship TV hosts, send money to healers -- Crabby's got your back.

All of which brings us to Will and Jada Pinkett Smith's new private school in La La Land, the New Village Academy, which critics are fingering as a Scientology front.

The Los Angeles Times quotes the school's administrator as saying, yes, some Scientologists do work at the school, but so do Catholics, Muslims and Jews. "We are a secular school and just like all nonreligious independent schools, faculty and staff do not promote their own religions at school or pass on the beliefs of their particular faith to children," administrator Jacqueline Olivier said.

But here's where Crabby gets riled. Apparently the school is using Scientology lingo called "study technolgy,'' which apparently strikes terror in the hearts and minds of U.S. educators. Which seems sad to Crabby because, as reported in the Times' and Wikipedia, "study technology" sounds like a fantastic and logical approach to learning.

Essentially "study technology" focuses on righting three wrongs that deleteriously impact learning: Ignoring misunderstood words, depriving hands-on experience, and advancing to higher concepts before simpler fundamentals are mastered. To which Crabby says, duh. And if it's true as the LA Times' reports, that "there is no reputable educator anywhere who endorses [study technology]," at least according to David S. Touretzky, a professor of computer science at Carnegie Mellon University, then can I proffer a thought?

I'm all for debunking myths, lies, and cults, but when someone, anyone, advises that students ought to know the words they read, learn by doing, and master one level of a subject before advancing to the next, I'd hail them as an educational genius. And if there is "no reputable educator" who endorses such approach, then does that not explain America's epidemic of failing public schools?

Will Smith, actor, rapper, A-lister, suspected closet Scientologist, good luck with your school. But here's one small tip: find someone with the educational gravitas to persuade the public that your school's methods make sense. And too bad that only privileged kids who attend expensive private schools are held to such high standards.

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Posted July 1, 2008

Here's a Question For You, Ang: How Many Zaharas Could You Buy For $3,590?

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F YOU LOOK VERY CLOSELY, PROBABLY SO CLOSE THAT YOU MIGHT actually pretend for a moment that you are living in Whoville, you will notice that St. Angelina actually has two mouths in the above photograph.

There's the obvious one from which the devoted do-gooder routinely spouts wise words such as "I had no idea what a difficult life was. It was as if someone slapped me across the face and said, 'Oh, my God, you silly young woman from California, do you have any idea how difficult the world really is for so many people?'"

Then there is the other mouth: the broad, painted, pouty one that reigns in the real Whoville -- Celebritydom -- where Ang routinely sashays in front of the camera with children and Valentino bags as accessories.

From this mouth you can see Angelina's lipped confession: Both child and purse are props. Because in a culture suffering from celebrity OCD, Angelina is both beneficiary and benefactor. After all, these are the rules of the game. She did not make them up.

Hence we have a halo-wearing Angelina frolicking through New York carrying a $1,795 bag on her arm along with beautiful adopted daughter Zahara, equipped with a mini version of the same bag made especially for her. That totals $3,590, a sum which would have allowed Zahara's Ethiopian mother to keep her.

And so it goes. Like a snake eating its tail, La La Land symbolizes the eternal circle of celebrity feeding off itself.

This is how it works: Starlet A becomes a "STAR!" Henceforth, gets free things, wears them in front of paps. All the little people then salivate (I've got to have that bag!). Then "THE STAR!" pretends to do good by giving lip service to anti-poverty crusades. The designers are happy because their criminally overpriced bags are selling. The little people are happy because they can buy the knock-off and pretend they're celebrities. The STAR then pats herself on the back because 1) SHE has arrived! 2) She gets free stuff and 3) Humanity has benefited because of her faux "spiritual" largesse.

Crabby admits: These are not original thoughts. So at this point she urges you to visit BagBunch.com, where editors-cum-wolves selling shearling purses and other bags have produced one of the most pointed pieces of commentary on the web. Check out all the A-listers carrying bags that cost more than what third-world residents can earn in two or three years.

The title? The Human Cost of ‘Poverty Fighting’ Celebrities Burning $600,000+ on Handbags! Or, put another way, as one editor did, "Help 11 Villages Out of Poverty or Buy a Handbag? F**k it I'll Take the Handbag Yet Still Spout about Fighting Poverty."

Check it out. It'll be worth your time! And, I swear, no free bags traded hands for this entry! Because Crabby is not a celebrity, is not pretty, and can do no one any good.

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Posted June 30, 2008

Rumors To The Contrary, Pacman Has Not Retired to Philanthropy But Is Busy Spawning Little Pacpeople

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T'S SUNDAY, WHICH CRABBY NOW DEEMS ''SUPPORT YOUR LOCAL ARTIST'' DAY. Today's offering? The happy pixelated characters produced by the Chicago artist found at PixelParty.Etsy.com.

While other computer icons circa 1980 have been trying to solve the world's problems, our beloved Pacman has stayed below the radar, raised little Pac babies and has started a cottage industry in Pacman jewelry. And isn't that appropriate since Pac Daddy was one of the earliest examples of a 'virtual virus,' or a computerized "social phenomena?"

The result is the cutest little computer bytes you ever saw! The rings, pins, earrings and wall art can reach deep inside the most jaded, aging, materialist yuppies to remind them of a playful time of their youth.

Why not remind them of that side? Persue the PixelParty gallery, buy some nostalgia, and hang on a small byte of innocence.

And while you're at it, persue PixelParty's wife's shop at Coo-Koo-Ri-Koo for darling button rings, friendly owls, dainty birds, necklaces, bags -- whatever the hip urban kiddies would want! And remember: shop locally!

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Posted June 29, 2008

SexyChattyCatty: "The Happening" Makes Me Want To Catch An Airborne Virus

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NE REASON SEXY HANGS OUT IN TVLAND FOR HER ENTERTAINMENT PLEASURE IS THAT a lot of movies released these days are crap.

Sexy has vowed to never, ever watch a remake of a TV show on the big screen. Not even for, dare I say it, Sex and the City, which was an appointment I would never miss. And “The Office,” is the only scripted show that Sexy really finds sexy enough to watch, but even my lust for Steve Carell can't make me see “Get Smart.”

But last night Sexy decided to turn off the TV, get off her chaise lounge and drive to the multiplex where I saw two movies: Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull and The Happening. (Full Disclosure: Sexy’s uptight offspring works at the multiplex so entrance was free. Snacks were not.)

My husband promptly fell asleep on Indy, blaming it on his meds. My diagnosis for the nap? The heavy dose of dullness emanating from the screen! And I’ve been a big fan of the series for years. (Crabby and I saw the first one together and loved it!) The Skull's cheesy sets reminded me of the old Nickelodeon show, Legends of the Hidden Temple. The flick was neither fun nor believable enough to carry me through the shenanigans of Indy and his posse (I’m still snickering at the tin boat trip over three waterfalls.) The shout-outs to previous stunts in the series were amusing but, overall, I was really disappointed.

On to The Happening which takes place in my hometown of Philadelphia, so we enjoyed playing "I SPY" for familiar landmarks like Rittenhouse Square. Perhaps it was the stilted, preachy dialogue but I wasn’t feeling Mark Wahlberg’s performance AT ALL.(George Clooney is gonna have fun delivering payback, Marky.) At first I was mildly interested but as the movie went on and on and on, I decided I really didn't care. The disappearing honeybees provoked concern, but the airborne agent generating mass suicide? That provoked more guffaws than fear.

This is definitely not one of M. Night’s greatest. I know it’s difficult to follow up a bone-fide smash hit like The Sixth Sense. And I'm in the minority who think that Unbreakable was better than its reviews. I found The Village okay; “Lady In The Water” passable. Generally, I love Night’s humor and the tiny scary bits. But, I’m sorry, this one sucked.

Here's a callout to Hollywood: Stop stooping to the lowest common denominator and paying the same tired hacks for sophomoric scripts. And to the theaters: Banish the cell phones users! Ban the babies! Hire more ushers! I miss good flicks but these days I can't even find a good reason to exploit my kid's gig.

SexyChattyCatty comments periodically at CrabbyGolightly.com on TV, America's favorite snack food.

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Posted June 26, 2008

Stop The Presses! Lock Your Freezers! Oprah Ends Her 'Vegan' Experiment!

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F YOU ARE AMONG THE SHEEP WHO HAVE CLICKED ON STORIES REGARDING OPRAH SAMPLING A VEGAN DIET FOR THREE WEEKS, CONGRATULATIONS ON BEING PART OF THE PROBLEM.

This is what passes for news? Let me correct you: this is example of the incestuous nepotism that America's corporate media passes for reporting. You are being fooled.

At last count, Oprah has business ties with CBS, ABC, Oxygen, Discovery, the Food channel, Hearst Publishing, the entire publishing industry save Random House (that tie was shattered into a 'Million Little Pieces'). And these are the ones that are obvious. Not to mention the bumps she produces for the tabloids, the celebrity mags and the producers of her "favorite" products.

Now she's expanding her power to the White House and will soon lord over the Lincoln Bedroom. Oprah does little without personal gain. So I congratulate her on risking the wrath of her audience for backing Barack Obama. Let's remind the media to keep an eye out for the deals Mr. Obama will make for her when he grabs the throne.

Whether you think Oprah is "good or diabolically evil," she has every right to pursue any business or personal relationship she likes. It's the media that has the obligation to connect the dots between her relationships. How can they fulfill their duty when they count on her to sell for them? Even the mighty New York Times has fallen victim to her wiles when The Oprah Winfrey Show cunningly renovated a cultural reporter's home. The reporter, Jesse McKinley, was ordered to reimburse the show but was allegedly quoted a price by the show far below the market value of the work. This is the insidious way TOWS works. Curiously, you can't find any mention of this moral lapse in the Times free archives. Curiouser still is that Mr. McKinley continues to cover Oprah-related matters.

Here's a viewing suggestion for you: go rent Lions for Lambs for a crash course in media manipulation. Pay close attention to the movie's last scene when Iraqi war propaganda ticks by in type while some celebrity's hijinks commands the full screen. Then see if you can continue to read the news with your eyes wide shut after watching the movie. Here's hoping not.

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Posted June 25, 2008

Tired of Your Life? Outsource It For Fun and Profit!

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NLESS YOU ARE A JET-SETTER, COMMUNE CLOSELY WITH THE LORD, OR HAVE AN UNNATURALLY HIGH NATURAL OCCURRENCE OF SEROTONIN IN YOUR BRAIN, you probably are human enough to feel to feel the occasional existential angst of pointlessness.

Psssst? Wanna sell your life?

You can. Such is the modern apex at which we have arrived: where meaning, communications and commerce collide.

Meet Ian Usher, 44, who posted his life for sale on eBay, the package including a three-bedroom house in Perth, Western Australia, his car, motorbike, clothes and try-out for his job at a rug store. The wholesale dumping of his life came after what we can assume was a bad breakup of a 12 year relationship. How sad. What's even sadder is that the story's headline says Usher stopped taking bids at $2.1 million when he deemed the escalating price exceeded his life's worth. Very sad indeed!

(Actually, not really, but you have to read the fine print to find out the real deal.)

Usher isn't the first to offer his life for sale on the Internet. Australian philosophy student Nicael Holt, 24, offered his life to the highest bidder last year purportedly "in a protest about mass consumerism." Included in the sale were "eight potential lovers," so Holt wasn't kidding when he said he was a Socialist.

He wrote at the time, "I did this because I was a little intrigued as to what exactly constitutes a life; a little intrigued as to what people want that they aren't receiving from their current life; a little bit because I'm a socialist and was hoping to make a point that the amount and type of things that are for sale in this world is insane and wasteful; a bit because I was a little intrigued as to what makes me who I am and at exactly what point in this experiment will I lose it, if ever." Okay.

Another kook offered to sell his soul back in 2001. But eBay shut the auction because the sale didn't include anything ''tangible." No, his name was not Dorian Gray.

Perhaps the best example of shilling one's life is John Freyer, who became a pop sociology project when he sold his possessions on eBay in 2001 and then later documented and or visited the items in their new homes. Even Freyer's domain name -- www.allmylifeforsale.com -- was sold: It is now a part of the ethereal permanent collection of the University of Iowa, Museum of Art.

Though Crabby rarely falls prey to the chest-swelling of prideful Americans, is Freyer not an example of America at its most ingenius? He turns a slacker life into a sociological project-cum-work-of-art-cum-book! He's living proof that marketing genius is in our ether.

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Posted June 24, 2008

It's Gonna Happen! Chicago Cubbies Kick White Sox Back to Southside

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OU CAN FEEL IT IN THE AIR: THERE'S SOMETHING DIFFERENT THIS YEAR ABOUT THE PERENNIAL LOSERS THAT ARE THE CHICAGO CUBS.

Living a mere three blocks from that sacred shrine to baseball Wrigley Field makes it hard to be indifferent to the madness that engulfs Chi-Town every summer. Typically, my only interest is preserving about six feet of cement in which to jam my Subaru as legions of fans descend on the neighborhood to spill beer and pledge allegiance to the home team. And when they're not pissing in the bushes or yelling profanities in the wee hours, I can sometimes work up something close to sympathy for the sorry saps who've been waiting for 100 years for the team to win a World Series.

The last time the Cubbies took the Series was in 1908 against the Detroit Tigers. They've come close a couple times since, most recently in 2003 when I was paid to report on the frenzy from the street. I witnessed the grief of the fans when that cursed Steve Bartman earned the oppobrium of a city and an entry in Wikipedia. The Cubs were leading 3-0 during Game 6 of the National League Championship Series when Bartman tried to catch a foul ball with the team only five outs from reaching the Series since 1945. The Cubs argued for fan interference but umpire Mike Everitt rules against the call. And it was all downhill from there: The Florida Marlins subsequently scored eight runs, forcing a 7th game that the Cubs lost.

But that was then and this is now, and Sunday night the Cubs wrapped up their 3-game sweep against the White Sox, the team that hails from Mayor Daley's side of town. As the Chicago Tribune reported today, "Ryan Dempster (9-2) remained perfect at Wrigley Field with eight-plus innings of one-run ball, improving to 9-0 while pitching the Cubs to their 14th straight home win, their longest streak since 1936. Dempster and the Cubs are traveling in a parallel universe, looking unbeatable at the corner of Clark and Addison Streets."

The crowd was rowdy as they made their way home through the neighborhood, passed pitcher Ted Lilly's summer crash pad just around the corner from Dempster's digs. I guess I'm going to have to get used to the noise. For, as the true blue say, "It's gonna happen." So to Lilly, I say, "Sorry I wouldn't give up the parking spot." And to Dempster? I love dogs and thanks for the permanent souvenir! But a couple of tixs would have been classy!

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Posted June 23, 2008

What's The "Must-Have" For Your Disposable Marriage? A Flushable Dress!

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ONGRATS TO KATRINA CHALIFOUX OF Illinois for winnning Ripley's Believe It Or Not! contest to make a wedding dress out of toilet paper.

Chalifoux, 46, spent two weeks making her gown adorned with a raised flower pattern from molded toilet paper. Why bother paying hundreds to thousands for a dress you'll wear for a few hours and then store for a half century?

Making your special dress out of T.P. is so much more ecofriendly, and guarantees that no stark reminder of an earlier mistake will be hanging around your house for decades!

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Posted June 20, 2008

'New York' Mag Crowns Hillary Clinton Winner By Losing

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ALK ABOUT DOUBLESPEAK. The cover story of the June 23rd issue of New York mag hails Hillary Clinton as the "patron saint of low-brow sinners." A historic, iconic feminist hero who ''won'' by losing. That's a load of crap, sold as cheap salve to those still tending fresh wounds. But losing is not the same as being a 'loser,'' as Hillary proved, if not so much to herself, then at least to her millions of supporters.

Now with Barack Obama flip-flopping on public financing of the general election, and with John McCain raising the specter of new nuclear power plants and offshore drilling, Crabby is adrift without a candidate. But as Scarlett O'Hara used to say, "I'll think about that tomorrow."

The mag's premature postmortem on Clinton's presidential ambitions pointedly suggests that husband Bill is guilty of (perhaps subconsciously?) tripping up his wife's campaign. It also paints Hillary as a better pol in loss, tough as nails to the end, and lacking in any self-pity. A woman with less faith would be feeling forsaken.

Author Thomas Mallon writes: "She isn’t a phony,” went the best explanation of Holly Golightly, “because she’s a real phony.” And now, thank goodness, so is that other transplant to New York, Hillary Clinton —- an authentic politician at last."

Here's hoping she allows herself a good cry, and then fights her way back to the field next time. In the meantime, this sinner will be praying for us and her.

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Posted June 20, 2008

A Sign Of The Times? McDonald's Promotes Going 'Latte'

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CI FI BUFFS MIGHT BE FAMILIAR WITH THE MOVIE "The Lathe of Heaven,'' based on a 1971 novel by Ursula K. Le Guin, in which whatever the protagonist dreamed becomes reality, sometimes with unimaginable consequences. I only found out the name of the movie a few weeks back when I went in search of the flick that blew my mind. Because the guy dreamed that there would be an end to racism, and when he woke up, everybody was gray.

I've been thinking about that scene during this most recent presidential campaign, in which everybody feels they need to "take sides." Who knew that having a successful black candidate would bring out such vitriol from both blacks and whites. Just stop by any comment section on the campaign at AOL, Newsweek or The Huffington Post and you'll get a heaping serving of mistrust, suspicious, anger and outright racism. The fingerpointing is endless and tiring and, yes, sometimes even justified. But wouldn't it be nice if it would all just go away? Wouldn't it be nice if we could all just get along?

So here's a proposal: the only way to rid ourselves of racism is to promote interracial marriage. I'm thinking this is the wave of the future. And here's my proof: McDonald's likes the idea too. Because in a billboard not too far from my home promoting iced lattes, the fast-food monster with the megamillions advertising budget subtly suggests that we all would be beautiful if we mixed vanilla and cocoa. (And Asian and Hispanic. Everybody is invited into the mix!)

The billboard shows a cup of iced latte and hints at its origins: "If vanilla and coffee had a baby in Antarctica." Meaning mixing vanilla and cocoa would create this creamy caramel color, which Crabby thinks is actually so much better than the gray imagined in "The Lathe." And, speaking literally and generally, are biracial babies not some of the most beautiful babies in the world? (Yes, we know, every baby is figuratively beautiful; but let me make my point.)

Shiloh Jolie-Pitt's got nothing over Tiger Woods' gorgeous toddler Sam. Ditto Suri Cruise. And in my own family, one of the best looking offspring is a biracial nephew who is gorgeous, whipsmart and witty. (Russell, when are you getting your butt to college?) And, by the way, aren't Barack Obama and Tiger Woods both ideal and timely poster boys for the practice?

As McDonald's goes, so goes a nation. Would McDonald's playfully allude to biracialism if its time had not come? Doubt it. If this is what it'll take to eliminate racism, I say let's dive in those muddy waters, even if we can't foresee all the consequences. We are all in dire need of drastic change. And after we fix the racism bugaboo, we'll have to figure out how to eliminate that other pesky problem called sexism.

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Posted June 19, 2008

Cutting Out The Middleman: Why Take Money From Lobbyists When You Can Funnel It Directly Through Elites?

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T THIS POINT, WE SHOULD ALL KEEP OUR FINGERS CROSSED THAT "THE MESSIAH" BARACK OBAMA CAN WALK ON WATER. Because we are going to need a divine hand in righting the wrongs of the last eight years. His ascent to the presidency seems preordained, at least according to astrologers, historians and even crooks and liars. Yet I can't shake the feeling that Obama isn't the man we've been waiting for.

For a campaign built on "change," the charismatic Senator likes his operatives old-school. By which we mean Chicago-style, quid pro quo, back-washing politics.

His chief strategist is political consultant David Axelrod, Mayor Richard Daley's elections' bagman, who now serves Illinois' two most powerful pols. Shortly after he lay claim to the Democratic nomination for president, Obama rushed back to Chicago to pay back Daley with an appearance at a rally celebrating Chicago making the final cut for the 2016 Olypics. As an example of Chicago politics, there were news reports that Daley had "invited" (cough, cough) city employees to attend the rally. More recently, I'm sure the relationship also had something to do with Obama moving his entire campaign out of D.C. and back to Michigan Avenue. Fundamental lessons: Paybacks are important in politics, and so is consolidating power.

Which is why it is troublesome that Obama chose Jim Johnson to serve on his vice-president research team. Johnson, former chairman of Fannie Mae, resigned from the post after he was fingered as possibly being a "friend of Angelo,'' or Angelo Mozilo, the CEO of Countrywide, the biggest U.S. home lender, who reportedly gave Johnson and other influentials good deals on mortgages.

Countrywide shoulders a lot of blame for underwriting risky loans that contributed to the current housing crisis, and Obama has repeatedly denounced the company while campaigning. Obama has also promised to rid the country of such special treatment for the elite, but his lackluster record in the Illinois legislature does not denote a man who is willing to take the lead. You've got to have balls to stand up to influence-peddlers, and as of this date Obama seems only willing to share his bed with them. As far as I'm concerned, the Hillary 'nutcracker' was a compliment; as of now there is no evidence that Obama will be one.

And then there's Obama's bloviating about not taking money from lobbyists, but the disingenuousness of that policy is just evidence that he's a lawyer. Obama has in fact built a money machine unequalled in politics with "bundlers," mostly fat cats, who solicit their private or business networks for donations.

According to the Chicago Sun-Times' Lynn Sweet, "Those at the top of the Obama fund-raising pyramid -- people who pledge to raise at least $250,000 -- get a gold VIP lapel pin with the letters "NFC" fashioned in the campaign's logo." The NFC stands for "National Fundraising Committee. And in the same April article, Sweet revealed that "each of the 138 Obama bundlers promised to raise at least $50,000, and many are from Chicago, not surprising since Chicago billionaire Penny Pritzker is the national finance chairwoman." Pritzer is the campaign's "money maven," and has her own questionable ties to the subprime loan industry.

Having Pritzker, ranked 135th on the 2007 Forbes list of richest Americans, is a signal to elites that Obama is open for business. And they have gotten the message and are getting in line. Even Rupert Murdoch, the man responsible for Bill O'Reilly and Sean Hannity of Fox TV, is sending smoke signals to the presumptive next president. Everybody wants to be on the winning side.

Having a black president is a milestone for the nation and I am especially excited about what this dream delivers to African Americans. But the question still looms large: What, other than "hope," will Obama deliver to his corporate bundlers?

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Posted June 18, 2008

Time Russert, the Un-Olbermann, Dies Suddenly At Work

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E ARE SADDENED AT THE SUDDEN DEATH OF NBC'S JOURNEYMAN NEWSMAN TIM RUSSERT. HE WAS OLD-SCHOOL ENOUGH TO BE a rare practitioner of journalism's code of "fair and balanced." His death leaves a void on the television news' landscape.

You can read more about the life, career and death of Russert at these places:

Tom Brokaw announces on the air that Russert has died. -- Reuters.

Russert's obituary. -- The Associated Press.

A statement released by President Bush and Laura Bush. -- The Atlantic.com.

Washington mourns the loss of Russert. -- The Wall Street Journal.

Why Russert was among Time's 100 Most Influential. -- Time.

Reactions from politicians and politicos. -- The New York Times.

Candidates in the 2008 Presidential race react. -- The Washington Post.

Russert "revolutionized Sunday morning television and infused journalism with his passion for politics." -- The Washington Post.

Russert stood for more than just politics. -- The Detroit Free Press.

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Posted June 13, 2008

This Is Your News Cracked: The Bloviator Keith Olbermann and the Blowhard from 'Nicetown'

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USED TO BE AMUSED BY KEITH OLBERMANN, MSNBC's bully pulpit. I was dazzled by his eloquence and taken in by the righteousness he wore on his sleeve. I was an early fan in the late 90s during his first go-round at MSNBC, captivated by his wit and his daily lacerations on the Monica Lewinsky scandal. And though I did not always agree with him, he was nevertheless the only must-see TV for me. Yet there were moments when the righteous mask slipped from his face and I saw glimpses of the carnival barker, and I suspected his real intentions: to sell more tickets.

Then, for various reasons I turned off the TV, put it in storage. And when I pulled it out again, Olbermann's big head and bellowing voice seemed to literally crash through the screen. I had been debriefed, and for the first time I was annoyed that cable news was first and foremost entertainment. I relished even more the real-time, honest conversations of C-Span.

Chris Matthews was always there in the background, feeding fodder for this political junkie-lite. And though he was a hometown boy from the not-so-nice neighborhood of "Nicetown," Matthews' analyses never seemed especially acute. Calling his show "Hardball'' seemed like the title an indulgent parent would give a coddled child's pitches. And watching it was like eating at a Greek restaurant because you loved Greek food, not because the chow was good.

Then Hillary Clinton ran for president. And all at once MSNBC became apparent for what it is: a frat house filled with women-haters. And since they were the cool kids in the media, who frequently threw parties and invited the less popular boys (Jonathan Alter, Howard Fineman, I'm talking about you) soon all the boys were trying to impress the alpha newshounds with their barks at Clinton. Crabby was flabberghasted when a media favorite Alter called for Hillary to get out of the race. That was back in March, before Hillary won Texas, Ohio, Pennsylvania and Kentucky, and despite Alter's claim to be "dreaming of a brokered convention for decades." Liar.

Now MSNBC's shrillness has gotten so ear-piercing that journalists with bona fides are speaking up.

News patrician Tom Brokaw had to correct Olbermann's claim that Clinton had "shoehorned" news coverage for herself. "Well, I think that's unfair," the elder-statesman said. "I don't think sheshoehorned her way in. When you look at the states that she won and the popular vote that she piled up, and the number of delegates that she has on her side, she's got real bargaining power in all of this."

As far as I know Olbermann did not make Brokaw one of his "Worst" persons in the world! Yet dare I say Olbermann proves her point when he anoints Katie Couric with that title after she criticized pundits who have "crossed the line" with their sexist slants against Hillary.

Time magazine claims the bloviator has blown his "last remaining gasket. "Every time he turns up the volume to 11 like this lately, he sounds like just another of the cable gasbags he used to be a corrective to,'' said James Poniewozik. Crabby couldn't say it any better.

But, surprise, surprise, guess who just beat Bill O'Reilly in the ratings? And the American Journalism Review wonders aloud if Olbermann is the "future of journalism." I'm not amused anymore by cable news. I'm frightened. Brokaw's gone, Couric's on the decline and Time is getting thinner.

And now we know why Olbermann's become the anti-corrective: the screaming sells. The carnival barker steps forth.

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Posted June 12, 2008

Madge's Fiction, Or An Example of "Promotion" As Storytelling?

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O TRUER WORDS HAVE PROBABLY EVER BEEN SPOKEN BY MADONNA AS WHEN SHE TOLD VANITY FAIR, "You have to get to a point where you care as little about getting smoke blown up your ass as you do when you become a whipping boy in the press. Because, ultimately, they both add up to shit."

Of course there was more to that comment, but none of it is important at this moment. What is relevant is that Madonna admits to being impervious to having "smoke blown up" her ass. So what follows is either 1) She is a very poor listener. Or 2) She is every bit as capable of scattering scat herself.

And now we have some evidence: The British blog Holy Moly! alleges that Madge has been seen scouting out the offices of high-profile divorce lawyer Nicholas Mostyn allegedly to begin divorce proceedings against the best sex she's ever had, Guy Ritchie.

The rumored divorce comes mere months after Madonna was slogging the "happy" shit while promoting her new album Hard Candy. During her much-ballyhooed press tour, Madge pooh-poohed rumors that she and Guy were having marital difficulties and talked about how great sex is with Guy. On Monday, her longtime spokeswoman Liz Rosenberg outright denied the rumor saying that the story was "totally not true."." So which comes first: Smoke-blowing? Or words adding "up to shit." We don't want to know what goes on in your bedroom, Madonna. Just get off the shit-spewing merry-go-round when you're selling something so we know who to believe.

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Posted June 10, 2008

Poetry In Motion: 826Chicago.Org Holds A 'Prom'

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T LAST! CRABBY HAS IDENTIFIED ONE SUBSET OF INDIVIDUALS WHO ARE TRUE "CHANGE" AGENTS IN THE WORLD: the hipgeek volunteers of 826Chicago.org, an afterschool writing and tutoring group formed by that real life wonder boy Dave Eggers. Once he got rich off his cry-in-your-milk novel, "A Heartbreaking Work of Staggering Genius,'' the genius then took some of his gold and gave it away! (FYI, Crabby sobbed while reading that book.)

The result is seven drop-in tutor centers dotting the U.S. that bring joy to both those who give and take inside their doors. The Chicago center is, ho hum, tucked behind the The Boring Store, (big yawn!) in the city's ultrahip and urbanest neighborhood, Wicker Park. Last month, the center held a "prom" to raise money for the nonprofit tutoring center. Check out Sarah J's photos on Flickr. Then sob with joy upon realizing you have found your true peer group. Once that's out of your system, sign up to volunteer!

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Posted June 10, 2008

SexyChattyCatty: I'd Back Dwight Schrute Before McCain

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O QUOTE GERALD FORD, “MY FELLOW AMERICANS, OUR LONG NATIONAL NIGHTMARE IS OVER." (Sorry, Crabby.)Barack Obama is the Democratic presidential nominee and Hillary Clinton continues her good works, this time by endorsing her competitor. It’s been an exhilarating time for our nation and SexyChattyCatty’s been fists of fury on more than one occasion. Now for the real fight.

I must admit John McCain makes me chuckle when he said his VP was going to be The Office's Dwight Schrute. But he scares me when he backs President Bush’s policy of of wiretapping without warrants. And you wonder why I distract myself with mindless television?

Speaking of which, Top Chef was mildly exciting last week as viewers wondered if we had to endure another week of Lisa’s crossed arms and bitchface. A stint at home before the Puerto Rico closer (another contest wraps up on the Island?) and a new hairstyle did nothing to change her fucked-up attitude. She’s a replay of first season’s Tiffany, red hair and all. Even though she landed in the bottom two, she beat out sweet, home-cooking mom Antonia. I curse the producers. She has to go next. Remaining contestants Richard and Stephanie are clearly better chefs. One order of attitude for take-out, please.

You would think someone nicknamed Sexy would be excited about the upcoming program Swingtown. Not. Don’t get me wrong, Sexy gets buckwild when the time is right but she doesn’t particularly like crowds. Swingtown purports to show swinging couples in the ‘70’s, without showing actual sex. Reviews are tepid. I have a headache. Wake me up when it's over.

Speaking of voyeurism, Flavor Flav says he’s done with looking for love on TV and is gonna marry his baby momma. I bet! Brotherman now has a show on mynetworkTV where he once again pretty much plays himself in a Fresh Prince style household. From a back in the day hypeman to almost real network credibility, now that’s progress. Despite everyone thinking he’s somewhat of a buffoon, I heart Flav. His deep humanity peeks out every so often but you have to watch closely. There’ve been some moments he’s really touched me, as when he made sure a little girl who played accordion got a chance to jam on Surreal Life. He parlayed a one-shot deal on that show into 5 additional shows: Strangelove, 3 Flavors of Love and now Under One Roof. How you like my man now.

Welcome back Fox’s So You Think You Can Dance. So much better than American Idol. And while Randy Jackson Presents America’s Best Dance Crew (and longest named TV show) was a soaring success, Bravo’s “Step It Up and Dance,” was a poor contribution to TV competitions. I got so bored with it, couldn’t care less who won. (But hey, who won? Nevermind.) On SYTYCD I marvel at the roughnecks who do plies; the poppers who amaze with fluttering arms and impossible contortions. I cry for the dancers who needed someone to tell them they are brilliant. Yea, I know they still show way too many non-dancers who think they've got all the moves, but that’s fun too.

I caught the preview of She’s Got The Look, TVLand’s beauty pageant for the over-35 set. Here's the ingredients: Take beautiful black woman; stir in black woman with a braided rug hairstyle and leopard print catsuit; add a dollop of white woman who looks like Lily Munster; saute and set aside beautiful white woman; then combine with woman who once had a chance to model, chose wife and motherhood instead. Viola! A reality TV souffle! It should amuse and I’m looking forward to it.

Somehow, while choosing my favorites on Direct TV, I missed putting in the Style Channel. How I didn’t realize I was missing episodes of Split Ends is beyond me. But all is well now and Split Ends is better than ever. If you’ve never seen it the show sends two hairdressers to experience the culture of the others salons for three days. These hair out of place situations have brought tears to more than one stylist. The ego clashing is awesome. And at the end they all click their heels three times and say “there’s no place like home.”

SexyChattyCatty comments periodically at CrabbyGolightly.com on TV, America's favorite snack food.

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Posted June 9, 2008

The "O" Team: Oprah as Obama's V.P.

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OOOOHHHHHHH! THAT ORGASMIC CRY COMES FROM THE CHOIR OF 'O' SUPPORTERS -- the messianics who pray at the altars of Barack Obama and Oprah Winfrey. Because the unimaginable can now be imagined: Might the Senator from Illinois choose the Saint from Chicago to be his running mate?

Yes, now is the time for every right-thinking Oprah fan to stand up and demand payback for her support: Hillary be damned! The V.P. slot belongs to Oprah!

Already Oprah's fans have called out to Obama to make her his Secretary of State or his Secretary of Treasurer on the web's best outpost for blather, The Huffington Post. And we know we can find at least one supporter of the idea of her as V.P.: Kansas school teacher Patrick Crowe started a "draft Oprah for president" campaign two years ago only to be served with cease and desist papers by Oprah's lawyers.

But that was two years ago, and we presume that what with her talk show, radio show, African school, magazine, future network and -- albeit -- failed prime-time reality show, the presidency might have been too much for even Oprah to chew, no disrespect implied about her weight.

But the vice-presidency largely bestows a symbolic post on its holder, although according to Wikipedia the post has frequently been used to "launch" presidential bids. We imagine this a way for Oprah to skirt voters' desire for years of public service to constituents, although she can point out that the people vote for her every single day when they watch her show or shell out $5 for her magazine.

And Oprah's got to be on the inside track: her second-best bud, Maria Shriver, is cousin to Caroline Kennedy, who is already on Obama's A-team for selecting a running partner. And the VP slot would be a natural way for the Senator to thank Oprah who expects payback for her support, widely seen as cutting into her daytime ratings. The divine and eternal Ms. O already has sent a reminder to Obama about who he needs to fall to his knees for.

While tongues wag that it's taking too long for "it's all about me" Hillary to bow out, Oprah released a statement advancing her newest trademarked project, the "Happy Dance."® (Uh-oh, Ellen, I smell co-opting going on! She'll do anything for ratings!)

Tireless (self) promoter that she is, Oprah says she's willing to go "door to door" for Obama in the fall, a twofer which will also allow her to help stem her ratings slide. And Michelle says it's okay as long as Oprah is on a different tour bus: With his tall and lanky self, Obama looks like a Stedman stand-in. And if the National Enquirer is to be believed, the two women are already fighting over who really is Barack's "first lady."

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Posted June 6, 2008

Clinton Supporters, Now Take Aim At The MSM: "Misogynistic Sexist Media"

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S THE DEMOCRATIC PARTY TRIES TO CLOSE RANKS AROUND ITS HISTORY-BREAKING CANDIDATE, Hillary Clinton supporters try to make sense of why her candidacy was undermined so overwhelmingly by men in the media.

Salon's Joan Walsh tackled sexism's role during the primary season and linked to this YouTube call to arms by a group calling itself "Shut The Freud Up. In her article she pointed out how Jesse Jackson continued his fight for his candidacy up the way up to the Democratic convention in 1988 with little resistance from the party.

In her column today, Walsh argues that it is Barack Obama who needs to woo Hillary's 18 million voters. "Winning without overwhelming support from white Democratic women wouldn't be easy for Obama.'' she writes. "I have no doubt Obama and his supporters can reach these women, but first he has to try. I'll start with a few simple pointers for how to do it: Don't call them racist. Or old and irrelevant. And don't say Hillary Clinton has to do all the work to heal the breach; Obama has plenty he can do himself."

Thank God there is one high-profile woman journalist who can counter the poison pen of the New York Times' Maureen Dowd.

Here's what I suggest to Hillary supporters: let's not make it easy for the mainstream media to rewrite their role in this campaign so quickly. Already missing from the postmortems on Clinton's campaign is the hidden wire the media used to trip her up. Geraldine Ferraro is right to ask for an investigation. But the bitter white women who largely supported Hillary don't need further evidence. Just activate the YouTube prompt above and even listen a few minutes and you'll get a taste of the invective against Hillary specifically and women generally.

Clinton's candidacy may be vanquished, but women can still vote, call and write. So I say let's work actively to shudder the voices of the men -- and women -- whose misogyny dripped every time they opened their mouths. Obama promises "change." How about a clean sweeping of the media when the new administration takes office? The regimes of Glenn Beck, Maureen Dowd, Chris Matthews, Keith Olbermann, Tim Russert, Jonathan Alter and Howard Fineman have lasted too long and have a vested interest in making the future president look good. After all, they'll have had a large hand in putting him in office. And if they don't go away, turn off your TVs and cancel your subscriptions.

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Posted June 5, 2008

In Summertime, The Living Is Breezy in Cape May

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OTHING FROM THE NEWS PAGES INSPIRES A RANT FROM CRABBY THIS MORNING.

Not Barack Obama winning the Democratic Party's nod. (Congrats to you, Senator! Here's hoping the "our" in your "now's our time" mantra doesn't include Chicago cronies Rev. Jeremiah Wright, Rev. Michael Phleger, dealmaker Tony Rezko and Mayor Rich Daley!) Not the Queen's ice-picking Kate Middleton for her lack of a "career." (And can't we all see Diana, take two, a thousand miles away?). Not speculation as to why George Clooney dumped his girlfriend Sarah Larson? My question is why it didn't happen sooner? (Perhaps George was averting a lawsuit after he broke her foot while motorcycling?)

Or maybe I'm just longing for a summer getaway after stumbling on a reminder of a favorite retreat, Cape May, N.J.

The New York Daily News has a quick look at the century old Victorian seaside resort. Let's not confuse the town with upscale. But as a native Philly girl, Crabby appreciates the home-town proximity, fading painted ladies, the beach and its blue roots appeal.

There's also lots of lore about local hauntings. Crabby herself spent a week in a rented haunted house on Washington Street replete with ghostly images, flashing lights, unexplained noises and electrical outages. All of which make for fine family vacation memories.

So if you want to make an aging girl's dream come true, click on the Crabby's ads! Every little cent adds to her 'vacation fund.'

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Posted June 4, 2008

Three "Reasons To Be Pretty"

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INUTES AFTER VIEWING LIONS FOR LAMBS, IT SEEMED FITTING THAT THE IMPORTANCE OF APPEARANCES DEMANDED CRABBY'S ATTENTION THROUGH THE WEB'S LOOKING GLASS. Three examples to wit:

The New York Times gives a terrific review to a new Neil LaBute play entitled, "Reasons to Be Pretty" that opened Monday night. The play is the last of a trilogy by LaBute "devoted to the contemporary obsession with physical appearance,'' writes the Times'Ben Brantley. "What makes this play resonate is less its Big Theme — beauty (or lack thereof) and its discontents — than how that theme illuminates the insecurities of people who don’t feel they have much to offer the world." Which is a wonderful idea to ponder if we remember to throw darts at the media and the ways in which so many of us so easily fall into its beauty traps.

One example: the new website "Facestat,'' which promises "market research for the individual." Basically you upload a picture of yourself and wait for strangers' judgments to pour in. "We'll ask a bunch of people questions like, "How old does this person look?" or "Does this person seem trustworthy?" Within a couple hours, you will have detailed statistics about how people feel about the picture you provide."

Crabby wonders how many hours of therapy this will generate? I feel really sorry for the people who submit their pics only to learn that strangers describe them as "disturbing" or "UpToTrouble" or as "ratlady." Here's an experiment: Do different photos of the same person elicit completely different judgements? And is it proof's pudding for the need to be obsessed with how you look? You'll find some different takes on the Facestat here at Buzzfeed.

And, finally, a reminder that beauty is our greatest protection from the contemporary predators we call media. Alas, if you don't have it, even the title "princess" doesn't protect you.

The former Duchess known as Fergie roared at the press for criticizing her daughter's size after photos appeared of Princess Beatrice frolicking seaside. The sight of Beatrice's buxom bod in size 10 swimsuit apparently was too much for Daily Mail columnist Allison Pearson, who sniped, "Can't someone buy that girl a sarong? For her sake, as well as ours." To which an indignant Fergie quipped, "Should we focus on [Pearson's] derriere?" Crabby doesn't need to actually see Pearson's rump to know she is a huge ass.

All further evidence of the need to be pretty. Girls, apply your lipstick!

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Posted June 3, 2008

Monday Morning Quarterbacking

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T'S MONDAY. THE ROUTINE RESUMES, THE CLOCK STRIKES 12, WE MEET AND GREET AT THE PROVERBIAL WATERCOOLER. If Crabby were spending time at one, here's what she'd say:

Hillary wins another "symbolic" primary. That's a lot of symbolism, folks. Even the BBC raises its eyeshade with the headline, "Media see hollow Clinton victory." I don't think winning California, New York, Pennsylvania, Ohio, and Florida add up to "symbolism." The media has done a dozy of a job shoving one particular candidate to the front of the pack. I definitely back Geraldine Ferraro's call for a study of sexism in media coverage.

The caricature of a white man acting black that is Rev. Michael Pfleger finally forced Barack Obama to play his final card: the Illinois Senator handed back his membership card to the United Church of Christ on the South side of Chicago. This is what your momma means when she tells you to be careful about the company you keep. Two ministers, both longtime so-called spiritual advisors to Obama, have worked mightily to derail their highest-status member. Now Rev. Pfleger alleges deep contrition for insulting Hillary. I say spout that line in confession, Father.

Somewhere out there, they're watching us. The 'who' are aliens, and a Colorado man says he has the video to prove it. "The evidence is very compelling, very convincing, and this video is really just a small slice of the bigger body of evidence that really confirms extraterrestrial beings do exist, they've visited our planet,'' said Jeff Peckman. "There's been a lot of interactions. The federal government certainly knows this and now were just trying to bring it to the local level." Apparently the aliens collectively need scripts for selective serotonin reuptake inhibitors to get over their shyness. Alien-beings, step out from the shadows! The Vatican says that we should love you as our brothers and sisters!

There was lots and lots of sex this weekend, just perhaps not in your and my bedroom. Sex and the City, the movie, had the biggest debut on record for a romantic comedy, taking in $55.7 million over the weekend, the fifth-highest debut for an R-rated film. The news sent producers and Warner Bros. executives' squealing with the possibility of more 'Sex.' Girlfriends last forever, don't cha know?

Finally, the kiddies entertained themselves this weekend at the MTV Movie Awards, where Lindsay Lohan inadvertently flashed photographers, making their day. Fan favorite Johnny Depp took home two golden popcorn statues. The ceremony was held at Universal Studios Hollywood, despite a fire on the studio lot there at the weekend. Oh to be young and beautiful.

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Posted June 2, 2008

Watch Out! The Literati Have "Jumped The Shark!" Now Can We Throw Out The Cliche?

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T'S CONTAGIOUS! OPRAH'S DONE IT, NICK DENTON'S DONE IT, TOM CRUISE HAS DONE IT AND SO HAS HILLARY CLINTON. Ditto Keith Olberman, CNN, Jim Carrey and even Sex and the City, the movie.

Who could have imagined way back in 1977 when The Fonz waterskiied over a shark that we would be perpetually evoking the image three decades later? (If you haven't seen it, activate YouTube on this post's 'permalink!') Yes, Fonzie was the man of the moment, hip in his black leather jacket and uttering his "Heeeey!" slanguage. But it's three fucking decades after Jimmy Carter was president! And the phrase "jumped the shark" has never been more popular and in danger of losing its relevance.

Why now? Maybe its usage confers some underground hipness: you have to be really plugged in to know what the fuck the writer's talking about.

Yet the constant reference is becoming repetitive and boring, sort of like when the least popular kid in class mimics the alpha kids. And no matter how widely the term is used, how perfectly snarky it sounds, aren't there less cliched if not more clever ways in which to convey the same meaning?

The subject/show/celebrity has 'cracked'? Lost their shine? Lost their mind? Become desperate? Gone mad? Deviated from the story line? Lost wind in the culture's zeitgeist? Fucking gone daft! Gone "Britney?" Cracked?

Though that last phrase carries its own ambiguous meaning, at least it's of the moment. We love the fact that there's a "Jump The Shark" website. We just think that it should hold exclusive rights to the phrase.

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Posted May 30, 2008

Unhinged: Exposing Conservative Extremists Gone Wild

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OMEHWHERE, OPRAH IS LAUGHING. For her too-big-for-her-britches protege is caught at the center of a firestorm set by political extremists, American-style.

I'll keep it short: Rachel Ray's latest pitch for Dunkin Donuts was yanked from the airwaves after two extremist bloggers claimed the scarf she was wearing in the ad signaled sympathies for Arab terrorists.

"The keffiyeh, for the clueless, is the traditional scarf of Arab men that has come to symbolize murderous Palestinian jihad,’’ wrote conservative commentator Michelle Malkin on her blog. ‘‘Popularized by Yasser Arafat and a regular adornment of Muslim terrorists appearing in beheading and hostage-taking videos, the apparel has been mainstreamed by both ignorant and not-so-ignorant fashion designers, celebrities, and left-wing icons.’’

Malkin's skewed view of a boogeyman wrapped in every headdress was promoted by Jewish advocate and blogger Pamela Geller, who wrote on May 18th that Ray was a "Dunkin Donuts jihad tool".

And if you buy that one, here's the heads-up that there are throngs of terrorist sympathizers hanging out at every mall in America. Or perhaps, as the shrinks will tell you, sometimes a scarf is just a scarf. It's overwrought conspiracies like these that cause political sympathizers to lose patience.

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Posted May 29, 2008

Imagining The Existential Angst of Pop Icons Post Their Prime

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HO WOULDN'T BE BURNT OUT AFTER ENDURING DECADES OF JINGLES, JUNK FOOD CEREAL AND CLAMORING KIDS?

And, surely, we all can understand that the increased demand for them after a session of weed-smoking only feeds bad habits? Not that I'm making any excuses for them. I'm just saying.

So now we know: Franken Berry, the Silly Rabbit, Count Chocula, Cap'n Crunch and Tony the Tiger are stoners. As least as imagined by the artist Rob Sheridan, who is selling this limited edition print at his blog.

Coming of age as they did in the post-nuclear era, is anyone surprised that these pop icons would be spent? Here they wear the solemn resignation of Gen X-ers facing the cleanup of the Bush era.

Where are the new heroes? Who will we call upon? Have no fear! We can all still cling to the naive innocence and the self-actualizing, capitalistic instincts of Spongebob!

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Posted May 27, 2008

Constituents for 'Kids In the Hall' Short Identified!

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FEEL LIKE I'M WRITING COPY FOR RIPLEY'S 'BELIEVE IT OR NOT!' APPARENTLY THERE IS A SUBCULTURE OF MEN (AND WOMEN?) WHO SO LOVE THEIR CARS THAT THEY FUCK THEM. Crabby is willing to venture that such auto-eroticals surely lay claim to sensory-deprived childhoods, vivid imaginations and/or extreme right-brain activity. The hobby-cum-fetish delivers alternative meaning to the term 'joy stick.' But every day delivers fresh insights and new discoveries about our world, and Crabby is rapturous with delight at learning them!

So here's a man who admits he's had 1,000 lovers of all shapes and sizes -- each made with steel, leather and vinyl.

"I'm a romantic,'' explains Edward Smith, 57, of somewhere in Washington state. "I write poetry about cars, I sing to them and talk to them just like a girlfriend. I know what's in my heart and I have no desire to change."

"I'm not sick,'' he adds, "and I don't want to hurt anyone, cars are just my preference." And, yes, there is a name for Mr. Smith's lust: mechaphilia. So little is known about it that not even Wikipedia has an entry on it! Or perhaps this is one big hoax?

So who are we to point an unpolished finger at Mr. Smith? Call him miscreant, deviant, depraved? Not Crabby! That would be insensitive. Interestingly, the comedy troupe The Kids In The Hall seems to knows a thing or two about car fucking. As one metal-mad mechanic in TKITH says, "Why do you think God put a brain in man's head? So he could think about fucking cars!" When Crabby first saw this video, she felt really old. Not the men in drag, not the riff on menstrual cycles, not the cliched greasy mechanics, provoked even one tiny twitter. NOW I GET IT (though still not laughing). Doesn't context mean everything in comedy?

"Mr. Smith" has lived with his secret long enough. Now he has found his support group to help him live with dignity.

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Posted May 26, 2008

More Fun Than Primary Elections: Astrological Predictions for President!

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ON'T SCOFF: Crabby is among the minions who read AstrologyZone.com regularly, waiting breathlessly for the clock to strike midnight on the last day of the month just to learn what's afoot for the next few weeks! No matter that astrologer Susan Miller always promises my upcoming days to be fabulously exciting! Or rewarding when, ho hum, they clip along at a consistently boring pace. But I can hope, can't I?

And so it must be that Barack Obama and his supporters are keeping their eyes crossed that astrologers meeting this week in Denver are correct when they predict the Illinois Senator will become the next U.S. president.

Stargazers from 44 countries gathered at the United Astrology Conference to attend workshops on such topics as "The Moon: It's Subtle but Powerful Impact," "Your Unique Way of Working with Time," "Finding Your Natural Mate," "Pluto and the Path of Regeneration," as well as "Medical Astrology in Action."

According to the Denver Post, on Tuesday six panelists during a discussion on this season's presidential election foresaw the Illinois Senator winning "thanks to a Saturn-Jupiter conjunction spelling change." Allegedly the crowd erupted in approval. But then couldn't we have guessed that these freethinkers would be liberals? Still, New York astrologer Shelley Ackerman warned, "There are things that are going to happen in the next couple of months that could turn the game into something different than we think it is right now."

Hmmm. Could Hillary Clinton's practice of The Secret confuse the planets' presidential edict? Guess we'll have to wait and see.

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Posted May 21, 2008

Today's Serving: Nuggets of Wisdom from Yoda's Daddy

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T'S 3 O'CLOCK IN THE MORNING AND CRABBY NEEDS INSPIRATION! And there, right on the virtual pages of USA Today, it arrives. I don't know who to thank more: the canny interview style of reporter Anthony Breznican. Or the wizened world view of famed director George Lucas, who sums up nicely in one interview all the advice you'll ever need in a lifetime.

George, creator of Star Wars and all its cinematic siblings, must be getting up there because he's starting to share his long view backward. Or else it's his quid pro quo with the press for his new Indiana Jones' movie, Crystal Skull. But in the wee hours, and because Crabby is aging fast too, it all seems relevant and necessary to share. Herewith are choice quotes from Breznican's article without the clumsy padding of context!

On his father's career advice: "He wanted me to go into his business. I said, 'I'm absolutely not going to do it. He sold office equipment in a store. I said, 'I will never go to work every day doing the same thing day in and day out.' "

On raising his three adopted children: "Before that, I lived for movies first, and everything else came second. After my kids, my kids came first, and I dabbled in movies and worked as hard as I could, but it wasn't a life-or-death situation for me anymore."

His Advice to Brangelina on parenting: "I was just telling Brad the secret is when they turn into the monsters — and you were a monster and impossible, and I was, too — don't do anything or say anything to destroy the relationship. Bite your tongue and say, 'Hey, whatever.' I have two in their 20s now, and they do come back. They come back being well-mannered, intelligent people you can be proud of. But if you screw it up early on, you're never going enjoy that part when it happens."

Career advice imparted through Indiana Jones in Crystal Skull: Pursue what you love professionally. "And don't let anyone tell you different."

And more through the voice of Indy: Respect your mother. "Treat her right, because you only get one. Sometimes for not that long."

Finally, forgive your parents: "Parents try as hard as they can to do the right thing. They aren't purposely out to get you. They don't want to be Darth Vader. As Luke says, 'I know there is good in you, and I have faith in you … even though the rest of the universe thinks you're a schmuck.' "

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Posted May 21, 2008

SexyChattyCatty: This Season's 'Idol' Is A Snoozarama

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XCUSE ME WHILE I YAWN. I DON'T KNOW ABOUT YOU, but I could care less which David wins American Idol. Crooner David Archetta creeps me out with his swarmy sweetness. Faux rocker David Cook is passing.

While last year's competition generated an online betting site -- complete with prizes -- at the office, this year the Idol buzz has lost to crabbing about $4 gallon gas. The judges say the talent gets better every year but they lie to keep their jobs. Though Carrie Underwood is tearing up the charts, two recent Idols, Reuben Studdard and Taylor Hicks, have been dropped by their record companies.

I’ve now joined the rabble who watch for the wacky audition hijinks and flee when the “talent show” begins. Frankly, Idol sounds like a broken record. Who knew that Idol, which gave us the undeniable and uncategorizable talent known as Kelly Clarkson, would reach its high note during its first season? The producers at Idol haven't learned life's fundamental truth: that in order to survive you need to evolve.

Which brings me to this: The so-called "full figured" Whitney Thompson won Top Model! Of course that means believing that a size '10' is full-figured. And her title is tinged with scandal. Rumor runs that Ms. Whitney was scouted and asked to put on pounds to be this year’s “plus-size” model. Check out a much thinner Whitney here.

While this doesn’t mean chunky will always outsell sans fat, it’s a huge accomplishment in Tyraland, where models wear size "0." Out of gratitude, I won't make fun of the "Tyra mail” that came on cards featuring Tyra as Mona Lisa. Her ego is getting as big as her patron saint’s, Oprah. And frankly, the world would run out of resources trying to feed the voracious appetites of two Oprahs.

SexyChattyCatty comments periodically at CrabbyGolightly.com on TV, America's favorite snack food.

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Posted May 20, 2008

Ashlee Who? Pete What? Why Is This On My News Page?

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OSSIPS WERE ALL ATWITTER THIS WEEKEND OVER THE TRADING OF VOWS BETWEEN two California yokels by the first names of Ashlee (The Spelling is sooo Valley Girl!) and Pete. To which Crabby says: Huh? Don't know them, don't care. But in the general interest of marital longevity I sure hope they did the California equivalent of Catholicism's Pre Cana, even if came while sipping appletinis at the Ivy.

It's understandable that news outlets would deliver word that America's favorite talk-show host Ellen DeGeneres is getting hitched to girlfriend Portia de Rossi now that California's highest court has made it legal for gays to marry.

Also tolerable is gushing over the whirlwind romance and marriage between bona-fide diva Mariah Carey and her temporary boy-toy Nick Carter. Mimi, as crazy as she is, is "the most successful selling female artist in music history," and is barreling down on the The Beatles' record of having the most chart-topping singles. (Beatles, 20; Mimi, 18.) Congrats to the lovesick couple!

All Crabby knows about Ashlee has something to do with 1) a nose job; 2) a bustier sister; and 3) lip-syncing. As for Pete, he sings or something? I don't know and haven't cared enough to find out. Which is good; marriage is hard enough when you're true superstars. Let's hope for their marriage's sake the little couple stays below the radar.

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Posted May 19, 2008

Irreverent Sculptor Enshrines Oprah's Dead Dogs On Her Faux Head

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IME TO PLAY HAUTE CRITIC!

Let's spend a few minutes contemplating what sculptor-cum-celebrity skewer Daniel Edwards is saying this time: Oprah's gone to the dogs? She's got canines on her mind? She's queen of the bitches? Or that she just bitchin' rules? Don't fuck with her, she'll let the dogs out? Or perhaps she's mere mad hatter's inspiration for the London opening of the movie version of Sex and The City?

Edwards' latest 3D ode to O is subject of "Memories of Sophie and Gracie: A Puppies’ Memorial," which opens May 22 and runs through June 8 at the Leo Kesting Gallery in New York. A reception will be held May 22 from 7 p.m. to 10 p.m.

This is the third time that Edwards, a native of the LaPorte, Ind., where Oprah used to own a spread, has tackled the Divine O in form. He's done an Oprah death mask and the omnipotent "O" as sacred sarcophagus.

"Memories of Sophie and Gracie: A Puppies’ Memorial” is inspired by the Oprah press releases that announced the passing of Gracie, who choked on a ball last year, and the passing of Sophie, who died of kidney disease in March.

“To represent Sophie and Gracie together, joined in Oprah’s memory as they were in life and in Oprah’s heart, the artist depicted them as conjoined at the hip and sharing a common tail,” says gallery's co-director John Leo. “Losing two beloved pets within a year is likely to take its toll on anybody.”

Oprah honored the memory of her two dead dogs in a show on puppy mills last month. But, David Kesting says, "given the natures of the demise of Oprah’s dogs, we feel the horrors of a puppy mill could be inconsequential compared to the poison hazards pets face in the home." “Sophie’s kidney failure may have resulted from natural causes, but we hope the Puppies’ Memorial will remind everyone that Gracie’s choking could have been prevented,” the press release says.

Not to worry, David. Crabby is sure that the dog walker who gave the offending toy to Gracie is persona non grata in Oprahland and is lucky to have knees.

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Posted May 16, 2008

Catholics Can Finally Sleep Soundly Knowing Believing In Aliens Isn't A Sin

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HO KNEW THAT CATHOLICS WITH IMAGINATIONS had to hide this fact from other churchgoers? Apparently more than gay priests have had to stay in the Catholic closet: Until recently, Catholics who believed in aliens might have wondered if they were violating church canon. Now comes news that the Vatican has issued a statement informing churchgoers that it's okay to believe in aliens.

"How can we rule out that life may have developed elsewhere?" said The Rev. Jose Gabriel Funes, the Jesuit director of the Vatican Observatory. "Just as we consider earthly creatures as 'a brother,' and 'sister,' why should we not talk about an 'extraterrestrial brother'? It would still be part of creation."

Funes said that such a notion "doesn't contradict our faith" because aliens would still be God's creatures. Ruling out the existence of aliens would be like "putting limits" on God's creative freedom, he said. What's happening here? Is the Church trying to draw from the ranks of Scientologists?

But even more groundshaking is his comment that the Bible "is not a science book." He said the Big Bang theory is the most "reasonable" explanation for how God created of the universe. Whoaa buddy! Have you informed the Pope of this heresy your spreading? And if the church is broadening its interpretation of the Book, it needs to get busy spreading the word to a whole lot of righteous followers tsk-tsking those who don't take it literally.

That the church is giving license to Catholics to think for themselves on the alien issue could cause all sorts of problems for it in the future: Doesn't this risk having Catholics learn to think for themselves in other, more personally relevant topics, like birth control and abortion? If so, it would be a welcome change. Now if we can only get members of the Church of Oprah to think for themselves.

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Posted May 15, 2008

Losing My Religion: Albert Einstein Revealed As Atheist?

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OW ONE COMES TO GOD IS ITS OWN MYSTERY. Some are raised in a church and arrive at adulthood unquestioning. Others pick up the habit out of need or want, their faith a byproduct of delivery from desperate moments. Some, like me, never stop vascillating between the need for religion and the refusal to embrace it out of anger. The eternal question beckons: if a perfect God exists, how could he or she could rationalize the horrors that are afflicted daily onto man by man and nature?

So an agnostic like me relied heavily on the bon mots about God from Albert Einstein, the only human ever designated as Time's "Person of the Century." His epochal E = mc2 explains all of earth's energy. (Full disclosure: Crabby knows nothing of physics except what Wiki tells her.) While wrestling with my own doubts, it was reassuring to know that Einstein, a man with the insight to read nature's algorithms, was credited with saying that God does not play dice with the universe.

There it is, on page 386 of Walter Isaacson's Einstein, (Simon & Schuster, 2007) in an answer to the question "Do you believe in God?," the reknown scientist answers:

"I'm not an atheist. The problem involved is too vast for our limited minds. We are in the position of a little child entering a huge library filled with books in many languages. The child knows someone must have written those books. It does not know how. ...That, it seems to me, is the attitude of even the most intelligent human being toward God. We see the universe marvelously arranged and obeying certain laws but only dimly understand these laws."

So what to make of the revelation that Einstein called religion a "childish superstition" in a letter to be auctioned off tomorrow in London?

According to the Guardian, "Einstein penned the letter on January 3, 1954 to the philosopher Eric Gutkind who had sent him a copy of his book Choose Life: The Biblical Call to Revolt. The letter went on public sale a year later and has remained in private hands ever since." In it Einstein writes, "The word god is for me nothing more than the expression and product of human weaknesses, the Bible a collection of honourable, but still primitive legends which are nevertheless pretty childish. No interpretation no matter how subtle can (for me) change this."

He also delivered some disappointing words for the Bible's chosen people:

"For me the Jewish religion like all others is an incarnation of the most childish superstitions. And the Jewish people to whom I gladly belong and with whose mentality I have a deep affinity have no different quality for me than all other people."

"He's fairly unequivocal as to what he's saying,'' said Rupert Powell, the Bloomsbury Auctions managing director. "There's no beating about the bush."

But we can be sure that the words of an auctioneer will not be the last on Einstein's religiosity. As John Brooke of Oxford University told the Guardian, "Like other great scientists he does not fit the boxes in which popular polemicists like to pigeonhole him. ...[W]hat he understood by religion was something far more subtle than what is usually meant by the word in popular discussion."

And so it goes. Einstein's beliefs remain a mystery even when we have his own words to contemplate. The riddle remains.

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Posted May 14, 2008

New York Anchor Drops "F" Bomb Live, Needs "Try Saying" Phrases From H.R.

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EY, IT'S NEW YORK, RIGHT? DOESN'T ANYTHING GO THERE?

Crabby empathizes with NBC anchor Sue Simmons this morning, who had to issue an apology after a microphone caught her dropping the "F" bomb on a colleague last night. Apparently she was just reacting to a bit of incompetence and had the misfortune of getting caught on the air reacting. How embarrassing for her. Crabby understands. For instance, it was a bitch getting through traffic this morning, and God only knows how many verbal shells were lobbed from the safety of passing cars. But now Sue is gonna have to get fingers slapped by H.R.

If only she had had proper training by Human Resources. A while back, Crabby found this note on The Modern Gal, purportedly coming from a newspaper human resources department. There are those who contend the memo's a joke and that this H.R. department is mere urban legend. But in light of Sue's slip, it seems timely and relevant today.

Dear Employees:

It has been brought to management's attention that some individuals throughout the company have been using foul language during the course of normal conversation with their co-workers. Due to complaints received from some employees who may be easily offended, this type of language will no longer be tolerated.

We do however, realize the critical importance of being able to accurately express your feelings when communicating with co-workers.

Therefore, a list of 18 New and Innovative "TRY SAYING" phrases have been provided so that proper exchange of ideas and information can continue in an effective manner.

1) TRY SAYING: I think you could use more training.
INSTEAD OF: You don't know what the f___ you're doing.

2) TRY SAYING: She's an aggressive go-getter.
INSTEAD OF: She's a ball-busting b__ch.

3) TRY SAYING: Perhaps I can work late.
INSTEAD OF: And when the f___ do you expect me to do this?

4) TRY SAYING: I'm certain that isn't feasible.
INSTEAD OF: No f______ way.

5) TRY SAYING: Really?
INSTEAD OF: You've got to be sh__ing me!

6) TRY SAYING: Perhaps you should check with...
INSTEAD OF: Tell someone who gives a sh__.

7) TRY SAYING: I wasn't involved in the project.
INSTEAD OF: It's not my f______ problem.

8) TRY SAYING: That's interesting.
INSTEAD OF: What the f___?

9) TRY SAYING: I'm not sure this can be implemented.
INSTEAD OF: This sh__ won't work.

10) TRY SAYING: I'll try to schedule that.
INSTEAD OF: Why the h___ didn't you tell me sooner?

11) TRY SAYING: He's not familiar with the issues.
INSTEAD OF: He's got his head up his a__.

12) TRY SAYING: Excuse me, sir?
INSTEAD OF: Eat sh__ and die.

13) TRY SAYING: So you weren't happy with it?
INSTEAD OF: Kiss my a__.

14) TRY SAYING: I'm a bit overloaded at the moment.
INSTEAD OF: F___ it, I'm on salary.

15) TRY SAYING: I don't think you understand.
INSTEAD OF: Shove it up your a__.

16) TRY SAYING: I love a challenge.
INSTEAD OF: This job sucks.

17) TRY SAYING: You want me to take care of that?
INSTEAD OF: Who the h___ died and made you boss?

18) TRY SAYING: He's somewhat insensitive.
INSTEAD OF: He's a pr_ck.

Thank You,
Human Resources

Print it out, laminate it and keep it handy at work!

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Posted May 13, 2008

SexyChattyCatty: Rooting for Fat Models and Proper Brits

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IT'S FINALE WEEK FOR two of my favorite snacks!

I don’t know why, after ten years, I’m still watching America’s Next Top Model. Perhaps Tyra’s silly antics and solemn intonations? Or is it seeing gangly teens and twentysomethings sling slang while attempting to capture the crown? Ms. Jay is catwalk coach and judge extraordinaire; Mr. Jay just scares me.

The most unpredictable thing to happen this season is that “plus” size model Whitney Thompson is among the three finalists. I'm hoping, Tyra, after ten years of saying there’s nothing wrong with plus size models, that we might actually see one win?

Then there’s Last Restaurant Standing, a BBC show that’s as tasteful as Gordon Ramsey’s mouth is foul. No swearing, no temper tantrums, no stripper poles, no Kardashians. Nine teams of two are vying to open a restaurant with the support of Raymond Blanc, an award-winning owner of a two Michelin-star restaurant. [Two stars? That’s the best they could do?]

The show’s tony vibe makes it evident that British producers obviously are a different breed than those at that other restaurant show: missing are the routine backstabs of Top Chef. In Britain, contestants congratulate each other and lend a hand cheerfully.

I’m not sure which I prefer watching more: Brits' demonstrating their stiff upper lips, or Americans lunging for the jugular.

SexyChattyCatty comments periodically at CrabbyGolightly.com on TV, America's favorite snack food.

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Posted May 13, 2008

How Can Tom Hanks Believe in 'Charlie Wilson's War' But Endorse Obama?

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OW THAT 'CHARLIE WILSON'S WAR' has made it to RedBox, Crabby finally got to view the little movie this weekend. In case you've missed it, the film turns international hegemony into political cartoon while retelling how one Texas Congressman helped Afghanis turn the tide against their Soviet invaders. The flick stars Tom Hanks, one of La La Land's most likable leading men, as the Congressman, and Julia Roberts, looking every bit the scary "social x-ray" intent on fighting communism. Also appearing is Philip Seymour Hoffman, as usual handing in a pitch-perfect performance as a CIA operative.

Briefly, the movie recounts in broad strokes how Charlie Wilson raised Congressional support to covertly fund Afghanistan's battle against invading Soviet forces. Yet the film wryly suggests that the U.S. erred by failing to invest in the country's rehabilitation after succeeding in forcing out the Soviets.

One of the movie's last scenes shows Hoffman's character warning the Congressman that kooks were moving in to Afghanistan, and that investing in the country's schools and businesses was crucial to keeping peace. Hanks' Texan dutifully seeks $1 million for a new Afghani school but fails to win funding. Cut to black screen with a quote from Wilson: "These things happened. They were glorious and they changed the world..., and then we fucked up the endgame."

All of which surprises me because it sounds as though the movie points the finger at the U.S. for not investing in a country whose infrastructure had been destroyed by invading forces. Which begs the question: If we are the invaders who have razed a country's infrastructure, a la Iraq, should we not commit to rebuilding it? If we are serious about wanting to bring peace to one of the most volatile region of the world, ought we not be prepared to spend billions creating schools and roads and government? Are we not, in fact, stuck there for a while, even if not the "100 years" that Senator John McCain envisioned possibly necessary during a town hall meeting in New Hampshire in January?

The media -- as well as Senator Barack Obama -- jumped all over McCain's remark, implying that the Vietnam war hero was all too glad to continue the bloodshed in Iraq. Obama has made his resistance to the Iraq War a centerpiece of his campaign, but as Joseph Wilson points out, his position was forged as a Congressional candidate representing Illinois' most liberal district. To Obama's credit, his recoil at the idea of war, whether innate or political, came at a time that mainstream media was spoonfeeding us the necessity of this war. Crabby, too, had bought into it after watching the parade of experts, including the New York Times' Thomas Friedman and Newsweek's Fareed Zakaria, explore the the potential upside of war night after night on Charlie Rose.

As typical for the media and political opponents, McCain's January remark was taken out of context. McCain followed his "100 years" comment with these words:"We’ve been in South Korea, we’ve been in Japan for sixty years. We’ve been in South Korea for fifty years or so. That’d be fine with me as long as Americans are not being injured or harmed or wounded or killed. Then it’s fine with me. I would hope it would be fine with you if we maintain a presence in a very volatile part of the world where Al Qaeda is training, recruiting, equipping and motivating people every single day."

Yet while stumping, Obama claimed McCain wanted to keep the war going for another century. Even the Columbia Journalism Review, hardly an apologist for Right Wingers, scolded Obama for distorting McCain's words, writing that "he’s gone from lying about what McCain said to being deeply misleading about it."

On May 3rd, Tom Hanks endorsed Obama for president in a homemade video posted on his Myspace.com page that has gotten modest attention. I wonder: Does Hanks recognize that his endorsement contradicts the message of his latest movie?

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Posted May 12, 2008

Whether Warm And Wonderful, Wacky or Wanton, Remember Mom On Sunday

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APPY BIRTHDAY MOTHER'S DAY! The holiday as we celebrate it turns 100 on May 10th, according to Wikipedia.

It was on May 10, 1908 that Anna Jarvis honored the life of her mother, Ann, in a celebration at Andrews Methodist Episcopal Church in Grafton, West Virginia. The church is now officially designated as the "International Mother's Day Shrine."

The practice quickly spread across the nation, and in 1914, President Woodrow Wilson declared the first national Mother's Day to honor the mothers of sons who had died at war. Eventually, the holiday was so overtaken by rampant commercialism that Anna Jarvis became an outspoken opponent of it."A printed card means nothing,'' she purportedly once said, "except that you are too lazy to write to the woman who has done more for you than anyone in the world. And candy! You take a box to Mother—and then eat most of it yourself. A pretty sentiment!"

A hundred years later, Mother's Day remains a boon to businesses, especially chocolatiers and greeting card companies. According to Wikipedia, "Americans will spend approximately $2.6 billion on flowers, $1.53 billion on pampering gifts — like spa treatments — and another $68 million on greeting cards [2]. Mother's Day will generate about 7.8% of the US jewelry industry's annual revenue in 2008. Americans are expected to spend close to $3.51 billion in 2008 on dining out for Mother's Day."

And all because of mom, that person whom, if you were born lucky, made you feel as though you were one-in-a-billion special. Who changed your nappies, took your temperature, cheered you at your sports meets and warned you away from bad boys. And that's just for starters.

Alas, not everyone is born so lucky. And for those of you for whom mom means 'mean' or 'crazy' or 'irresponsible' or just plain pathetic, well, I am sorry. But you too have Mom to thank for what you have become! My own mom was as nuts as a box of almonds, but I loved her. And she loved me, I think. And remember: God loves everybody! So cheer up, and embrace your story.

In honor of the holiday, here's a few web spots to check out with mom in mind.

Postcards From Yo Momma -- When you're hot, you're hot. And the two twentysomething founders of this brand new baby (launched in March!) are scorching! Doree Shafrir and Jessica Grose, both New York City journalists, have already landed a story in Newsweek and a book deal. The concept is brilliantly simple: the site is essentially a virtual bulletin board of emails people have gotten from their moms. There's no topic off-limit: moms have written to exclaim joy at insurance companies covering the expense of the vaccine against the human papilloma virus that contributes to cervical cancer (and is associated with sex), to recommending dental dams as mouth condoms.

Your Mom Jokes on BuzzFeed -- Links to four irreverent twists on the punchline that can get your ass kicked faster than a 12-pack on Friday night: "Your momma." Proof that sentimentality is for squares. (Which obviously includes Crabby!)

FTD.com -- Because it's never too late to follow the crowd. And, remember, spending will help reinvigorate the sagging economy!

5 Minutes For Mom -- This site brags that it's "Bringing Moms the The Best in Blogging, Shopping, Parenting and Entertaining." We'll let you decide if it lives up to its billing. Still, it's nice to know you're part of a niche!

Mom's Buzz -- Gift mom with her own blog! Mom's Buzz is part of something called the "MomsNetwork.com Online Community of sites." Offers free blogs to moms! Your mom just might bite, especially if she's an now empty nester who needs to email her children to keep in touch.

My Chaos, My Bliss -- A real live blogging mommy; not just adventurous capitalist trying to get rich off the ginormous pyramid scheme that is the web.

The Mom Salon -- Here's a map on Frappr ("the Web's best community mapper") of bloggers who are members of TheMomSalon.com, a sort of Myspace for moms. Help mom make a new friend!

And, finally, for those whom through no fault of their own do not have a mom they want to celebrate, Crabby recommends church on Sunday morning and renting Mommy Dearest to remind you that 1) You are not alone; and or 2) Things could be worse.

Happy Mother's Day! And think of Crabby enjoying her chocolates!

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Posted May 9, 2008

Today's Take: 30-Second Rants from Crabbytown

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O MUCH NEWS; SO LITTLE TIME TO OPINE. Thusly, here's a quick rundown of Crabby's point of view on tidbits ripped from the rags.

Congrats to Britney on upping her time with the wee ones! You remember her? You know, Britney Spears? Gosh, the tab eds. must be mourning the popster's hijinks as they are at a loss now as who to humiliate on their covers each week. Crabby is not a big fan of Brit's parents, Lynn and Jamie Spears, for whom their daughter is mealticket to wealth and fame. But to his credit, Jamie probably saved his daughter's sanity (not to mention any future earnings for both him and her) when he petitioned the court to be her estate's guardian. And we are so glad that she gets to be mommy her boys Sean and Jayden. Motherhood isn't easy, especially if you haven't had a good role model.

And while we're on the subject of Britney, Crabby realizes that she's late formally bestowing admission to the Britney Celebrity Defense League to Brit's pop predecessor Madonna. But Crabby is feeling a bit stingy with the entry; after all, Madonna was several months late coming to the emotional rescue of Brit. Her defense came long after Britney's then-daily torment by the paps, and conveniently during promotion of her own new project, Hard Candy, so her selflessness was questioned. Crabby would have much preferred if Madonna had put out a press release during Brit's meltdown that threatened Brit's tormentors with bad Karma. Her defense was too little too late.

And speaking of nut jobs, Crabby is betting newly betrothed Mariah Carey invites hubby Nick Cannon to touch her body for, oh, six months before she's bored to tears. Or maybe just long enough to knock her up; Mariah, 38, is approaching that biological steel door. Her poor play thing won't know what hit him. Here's a tip, Nick: Find yourself a Narcissists-Anon support group now so you'll be ready when the floor moves under you.

Crabby is recovering from Tuesday's North Carolina and Indiana primaries which left her dumbstruck that the Dems once again have selected an unsatisfactory, and probably unwinnable, candidate. But then it became crystal clear: In order for Barack to win, he must choose Hillary as his running partner. New Mexico's Gov. Bill Richardson ain't gonna bag him the prize; North Carolina's Sen. John Edwards won't balance the ticket. Here's rich irony: Obama can only become president if he puts his staunchest opponent on the ticket. Yet, I'm still wondering what magic trick Hillary can pull from her sleeve.

One final tidbit: Oprah and Rachel Ray -- in a bitchin' cat fight! Imagine it! So says the National Enquirer,the tabloid with the darkest and longest history. I'd love to see it. Please, pretty please, O, can you rent a ring and arrange for pay-per-view? That would be a thriller Crabby wouldn't want to miss.

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Posted May 8, 2008

It's A Sign, Hillary: Creator of 'Rocky Road' Dies'

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ILLARY, I LOVE YA HON. You're the one who teaches little girls that they can play ball with the big boys. The one who shows older woman there are possibilities beyond fetching beer for the hubby and scrubbing toilets. You're proof that women can choose something else other than the slow inexorable slide toward death in a nursing home in our later years. And you know something about 'inexorable,' Hillary: its other definition is relentless. And, yet, Hil, it's over.

It could be mere coincidence that the news that the co-founder of Baskin-Robbins, Irvine Robbins, who created the chewy cold confection known as "Rocky Road,'' hit the web Tuesday. Crabby, who confesses to be superstitious, thinks not.

Even as the news broke of your nail-biter finish in Indiana, and your stomping in North Carolina, you were still feeding the dream:

Dear E.

Tonight's victory in Indiana was close, and a margin that narrow means just one thing: every single thing you did to help us win in Indiana helped make the difference.

Every call you made, every friend you spoke to about our campaign, every dollar you contributed made tonight's victory possible. And I couldn't be more thankful for your hard work.

Every time we've celebrated a victory, we've celebrated it together. And tonight is no exception. This victory is your victory, this campaign is your campaign, and your support has been the difference between winning and losing.

Thank you so much for making this campaign possible. Let's keep making history together.

Sincerely,

Hillary Rodham Clinton

I'm still willing to dream along, Hillary. But you can't have any more of my money. I'm barely able to scrape together the few crumbs to feed my own delusions (think early 401K withdrawals!) and you've got $109 million in the bank.

The road has been treacherous, and you have traveled it well and far. But it looks like you won't make it to the finish line first. Unless you can rightly convince Floridians and Michiganders that their votes have been stolen from the same people who were so outraged by the Republican machine's sandbagging of them. And, yes, Crabby does believe in miracles. But maybe...now...is...the...time...to ...surrender. The sky will open wide, the road will become smooth and clear, and maybe you'll still have time to become part of history.

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Posted May 7, 2008

Wal-mart Brings 'Always The Low Price' To Generic Drugs

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RABBY HAS A DIRTY SECRET: SHE LIKES WAL-MART! Yes, I know, I should hang my head in shame and avert my eyes any time some 'elite' yuppie looks at me askance for liking cheap products made with Chinese teen labor. (In the interest of full disclosure, Crabby lives far too many miles away from Wal-mart to actually shop there, but she would.)

While academics and journalists have feverishly documented the deleterious effects of having Wal-mart come to town, Crabby has always been in awe of the bath towels and lead-laden children's toys that could be had for just a few dollars! By golly, the businessman down Main Street might be going out of business, but poor folk in town could never afford to shop in his overpriced hardware anyway.

So now comes news that Wal-mart has expanded its discounted prescription drug program to provide up to 350 generic meds at $10 for a 90-day supply! The company also added several women's medications to its list of $9 prescriptions, including drugs to treat breast cancer and hormone deficiency.

The expansion aims to help customers at a time of exorbitant health-care costs and difficult economic times while further boosting the ranking of Sam Walton's heirs on the list of America's richest. "It offers the customers significant savings,'' the spokesman said. "It also offers us the ability to add capacity to our pharmacies without adding people." More profit without having to provide those pesky and expensive benefits! Can't you hear Bush and his cronies cheering, 'Yee-ha! Go Wal-mart! Go Wal-mart! Go Wal-mart!'

Crabby welcomes Wal-mart's foray into cheap drugs, as long as none of them are made at the same