THOSE DARN KIDS
Favorite Celebu-Spawn Of The YouTube Crowd
SOME OF THE MOST MEMORABLE -- AND MOST QUOTED -- YouTube videos in my household are ones featuring little kids. Watching these videos can make a person want to either: A) spawn a litter and home-school them; or (B) put his/her nuts on the chopping block (hypothetically, of course).
Here's a countdown of my absolutely favorite videos.
No. 9: Baby Watches Too Many “Ninja Warrior” Marathons OnDemand I don't believe that this baby exists.
No. 8: Warning: These Links Will Make Your Ovaries Quiver. I only recently realized that videos of babies laughing comprise a sizeable sector of Youtube. We have raspy redheads in high chairs, off-balance babes, little Theo who loves the Wii, and Ethan, who is absolutely enamored by ripping paper. My favorite moment is 35 seconds in, when he acts like it is the very first piece of paper he has ever ripped, and at 1 min 7 sec, when he makes the most adorable face, as if to say “You son of bitch, you know that I can’t help but laugh manically and topple over when you hand me that paper…”
No. 7: I’m Just Buzzed. If I’m not mistaken, little Pearl is played by the daughter of the guy opposite Will Ferrell in this video short. They wanted to take advantage of her macaw-like age, her ability to repeat words and not retain them. Although this is pre-meditated, it doesn’t make it any less awesome.
No. 6: The Eyebrows Say It All. This is one that I play over and over, and then send to friends having bad days. There is just no freakin’ way this kid won’t make you smile. He was on the Tyra show and she patronized the shit out of him, but he was hilarious as he discussed his overwhelming popularity.
No. 5: How Can You Give an Evil Eye with a Drumstick in Your Hand?. Much like the Ninja Baby, I doubt this kid is real.
No. 4: Betrer, betrer, betrer, AAHHH!! I’m so impressed, really. Not only is this tiny little guy singing and (sort of) playing guitar, but he’s doing it in English. And in a diaper! What a rock star prodigy!.
No. 3: He Was Injured... I wish this kid was my offspring. He’s just so emphatic, serious, concerned. “You know what he dee-id?! He kicked him in the penis.”
No. 2: It’s Just Self-Defense. This three-year-old girl fears no monster. She doesn’t need kickboxing classes, nor does she participate in Tae Bo on VHS. If the monsters “come out of the movie,” she’ll kick their motherfuckin’ ask.
And the No. 1 video is: CHAWWW-LEEEEE! At a whopping 80,274,617 views, I’m pretty sure that Charlie Bit Me-Again! can be considered a YouTube classic. Please view this video at least five times, paying close attention to Henry, the older brother, and the faces and sounds he makes.
Soon you too will be yelping the telltale “Ouch, Charlie, OWWWW! That really hurt!” (in a British accent, of course) each time you stub your toe, get a paper-cut, pluck your eyebrows, burn your tongue on coffee, have an ingrown hair, hit your funny bone, have your seatbelt lock up, pop a zit, have an itch, use undiluted Listerine for a full 30 seconds...
Sophia Ulmer, a creative writing major at Columbia College in Chicago, writes about YouTube for CrabbyGolightly. She enjoys drinking copious amounts of wine, riding her vintage bike, and snuggling with her kitty-cat named Gretta. You can check out her cooking blog at feckinfranchtoast.blogspot.com.Permalink
Posted February 11, 2009
WAX MUSIC
Apply Salve Before Sampling YouTube's 'Chapstick' Girl
I'M SITTING AT MY PARENTS' HOUSE WHEN I CHECK MY FACEBOOK. I have a wall post from my roommate, Andy. “This makes me SO uncomfortable,” it reads. Below it is a hyperlink to YouTube. I click on the blue link and my world is changed forever.
I meet a pimply-faced, rotund teenage girl. Her bulbous frame, clad in a red T-shirt, fills the computer screen. Her face rests gently on her left hand, and she emits a Napoleon Dynamite-esque sigh. She rubs her lips, and declares that they hurt.
“Where’s the chapstick?” she asks herself. And then, precisely 11 seconds into the video, it dawns on her -- it’s song time. For the next 90 seconds I'm entranced by high-pitched beat boxing punctuated by “Where’s the chapstick?!,” and then finally “I found the chapstick!!” in a goofy-as-shit voice.
The girl, aptly named Gabby, also makes these bizarre hand motions that seem to be a combination of turning dials and pantomiming puzzlement in a Vaudeville show. I can’t get it out of my head.
This was the first of my many encounters with Gabby, a.k.a. CrazyTrumpeterG1, who describes her videos as “something you would eat, then throw up, and then eat again because it was good the first time you ate it.”
Her other videos range from being amusing (Eye Dance) to mind-numbing (Who Needs TV...) to perplexing (You’ve Got Possibilities!). Her post Invasion,” which features her banging the ground and what appears to be a shed with a broom and an empty water-cooler jug and screaming “invasion,” makes me question her sanity, but I accept her nonetheless.
Although some of the comments on “Where’s the Chapstick?!?” are encouraging (i.e. “You’re the next Snoop Dogg.), there are some that are flat-out mean. “You’re a fat whore, you whale bitch...You think you’re funny but you’re not. People like you suck on YouTube.”
(And yes, I made that shit read grammatically correct, as it was almost un-readable due to the “ur”s and “ppl”s. The [sic] would have taken over the quote had I not.)
Yet, Gabby remains resilient, if only through the guise of YouTube. On her page she writes, “If you think negative comments get me down, dream on! They are actually fun ‘cause if you notice, the more popular and famous someone gets on YouTube, the more negative comments they get!”
I say, good for her. She’s an overweight, Dr. Pepper addicted band-geek who is growing into herself and having a good time. And if she can improvise a ditty about chapstick that’s that hilarious, fine by me. “Someday,” she writes, “the world will finally hit rock bottom and my videos will rule the world.” Mildly delusional is okay when you’re funny.
I’d also like to tell her that Carmex, her balm of choice, actually dries her lips out more. But who am I to correct the Chapstick girl?
Sophia Ulmer, a creative writing major at Columbia College in Chicago, writes about YouTube for CrabbyGolightly. She enjoys drinking copious amounts of wine, riding her vintage bike, and snuggling with her kitty-cat named Gretta. You can check out her cooking blog at feckinfranchtoast.blogspot.com.Permalink
Posted February 3, 2009
'NOUGH SAID
Amazing Grace: Jennifer Hudson Soars Despite Tragedy
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Posted February 1, 2009
VIRAL VIRTUE
YouTube's Sideshow To Brit's 'Circus'
T BOGGLES THE MIND TO THINK THAT YOUTUBE HAS ONLY BE FILLING THE VOID SINCE 2005.
Imagine the billions of funny, pointless, desperate, and or existential moments from strangers' lives that we've been missing for centuries! I guess that's why people used to read.
I confess: I am not one to sit around and watch videos of kitties swatting at bottlecaps or time-lapsed season changes.
But as my luck would have it, this observer was in the vicinity of an entertainer perusing YouTube for covers of Brit's new Circus."
This duo undeniably has the best rendition. But what do I know; I'm just a wannabe in the back-seat.Permalink
Posted January 11, 2009
It's Sunday: Spread The Word
IFOUND THIS IN MY INBOX TODAY, SENT BY ONE OF THE COOLEST MOMS I KNOW, Dee Stogdill. And since this is as close to church as I'm going to get today, I figured I'd do my little part to spread the word through our universal language.
Happy Sunday! And, flaws and all, find someone to love.Permalink
Posted December 14, 2008
BEWARE PROMISES OF CANDY
In The Theater Of The Absurd, Shun The Nonbeliever
KIDS, BE CAREFUL OF ANYONE WHO LURES YOU WITH CANDY.
In this instance, it's a metaphor for either the unknown or broken promises. Neither has a happy ending.
P.S. My dearests tell me I remind them of the skeptical unicorn Charlie. Yes, it's true: I'm jaded by experience!
But I still have both my kidneys. Permalink
Posted July 4, 2008
DAFT PUNK
And Friday's Word Of The Day is "Daft"
APROPOS OF NOTHING, TODAY'S LESSON FROM CRABBYTOWN IS ON THE DEFINITION OF "DAFT."
The Random House College Dictionary, Revised Edition, defines "daft," adj., as
1. insane; crazy.
2. Simple or foolish.
3. Scot. merry; playful; frolicsome. Derived from the Middle English word 'dafte' meaning uncouth, awkward; earlier meaning; gentle, meek. As compared to "deft," adj., meaning "dexterous; nimble;skillful; clever."
Let's use the word in a sentence, shall we? "I'm sorry it must be said, but George Bush Jr. is daft to think he was worthy of being president." Very good, class.
Some contemporary usages include "Daft Punk," a reference to a post-punk French duo making electronic music for the 21st Century. Initially the techno-pop twosome wore masks or robotic disguises due to shyness, but the practice morphed them into "superheroes" for their human fans.
The band inspired "Daft Bodies", a YouTube sensation (activate above button) showing two boxed-headed nymphettes dancing to the techno-pop's song, "Harder, Better, Faster, Stronger." And, frankly, the shameful excuse for this post. There are other notable
YouTube tributes to the techno-popsters, but no peers in Crabby's judgment.
How do I know this? I rely on those crazy kids over at Hey, Be Us! to keep me informed, who when not posting on the web are helping to eradicate racism in the world. Check them out!Permalink
Posted April 18, 2008
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