'TIL DIVORCE DO US PART
Getting Tips For The Big Day From "My Big Redneck Wedding"
'M GOING TO BE FRANK. I HATE REALITY TV.
I love to hate it because it's shameful to love. It is a futile passion best enjoyed behind closed doors, much like an éclair.
When I got engaged almost a year ago, of course I was very excited. But I didn't know the inevitability of wedding shows, perhaps the most humiliating sub-genre of reality TV.
To date, I think I have seen them all -- Platinum Weddings, Bridezillas, Rich Bride Poor Bride, Bulging Brides, and Martha Stewart's Weddings Show.
Each is fascinating enough, I suppose. Rich Bride Poor Bride has given me budgeting tips and Bridezillas gives me stunning examples of what not to be. Martha Stewart, in all her tempestuous glory, has sterling do-it-yourself suggestions.
But, in the midst of the cake toppers and bouquets, Country Music Television's My Big Redneck Wedding is by far the most compellingly bizarre wedding show I've witnessed. I can't get enough of it; I confess that I succumb to viewing reruns online.
The nuptials of Melissa and Bradley, from Van Wert County, Ohio (a location embarrassingly close to my hometown of Fort Wayne, Indiana), is especially trash-worthy TV.
There was the mud-jousting and pig-chasing, the pudding-filled diapers and the bed of a pick-up truck standing in as a wedding altar.
Bradley wore a wife beater with a bowtie and buttons drawn in black marker. His handwritten vows had desperate echoes of Snoop Dogg.
Melissa's first draft of vows (read: demands) included sex "wherever, whenever I say" and "wiping my ass when I can't reach it." Immediately following the ceremony, a buxom Melissa tore off her dress to reveal her own wife beater and some really, really low-riding cut-offs.
Did I mention that Tom Arnold provides "comedic" narration to the show? Really, it's sickening.
Of all the wedding shows I've consumed, BRNW takes the horse-shit-shaped cake. (Note: see Anna and Carl's wedding from Season 1, Episode 1.)
I think I'm in danger of having all this 'klass' rub off.
Because while I may not spend my first married night in a Winnebago with "Honeymoon Sweet" painted on it, I haven't dismissed the possibility of a Harley-Davidson-riding preacher.
Sophia Ulmer is a creative writing major at Columbia College in Chicago. She enjoys drinking copious amounts of wine, riding her vintage bike, and snuggling with her kitty-cat, Gretta. You can check out her cooking blog at feckinfranchtoast.blogspot.com.
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Posted January 29, 2009
SKANKS FOR HIRE
Bret's Love 'Bus' Rolls Into Windy City's Armpit (That Would Be Hammond, Indiana)
IGOT THE BIGGEST KICK OUT OF ROCK OF LOVE BUS tonight because the roaming skank mobiles were headed to my toddlin' town.
“Off to Chicago!” the postcard from Bret (I know, I didn’t think he could read or write, either!) announced.
Of course, we see the road signs and maps that point to the Windy City, but then we see them pull up to the Horseshoe Casino. My brother, in town visiting, did one of those head-cocked-to-the-side things and looked up for an answer, as there are currently no casinos in the city.
We arrived at the same conclusion: they’re actually in HAMMOND, which is in INDIANA, which is a whole other STATE. It is NOT CHICAGO AT ALL. Probably because, as scummy as our government is here, they know that these broads are much more toxic to the public, and didn’t allow Bret’s white trash menagerie in to entertain the masses at the local ampitheaters.
Tonight’s episode revolved around the booze-soaked Horseshoe show, which the girls worked as roadies. They show up to the unfinished set in some of the skimpiest sleazewear possible. And I’m just shaking my damn head, because tits are popping out of shirts, cameras are being mooned and Penthouse Pets are busting their moneymakers on the edges of the stage.
Read the full story here.
Miz J, who works in advertising, has tons of opinions and a big mouth to broadcast them across the globe; however, the Internet saves her the trouble of yelling. Check out her blog at Miz JPermalink
Posted January 25, 2009
THE LOW LIFE
Penicillin, Anyone? You'll Need It On This 'Love' Sick Tour
LET''S TAKE 20 SKANKS WITH ALCOHOL PROBLEMS and put them on the road in a bus to see what happens. If you’ll recall, last summer, what happened was that one of the crew members on this mobile fuckfest slammed into another car on I-57 in Illinois and killed two 19-year-old women.
No word on whether Bret tried to resuscitate them with what we can only guess is an STD-infected tongue. He did ask VH1 to halt production on the show, though…you know, for a few days or whatever.
However, since he’s not one to bow out (he reserves that for relationships that might actually lead him somewhere besides the free clinic), Michaels is back in full swing, and this time, it’s 10 times nastier, skankier and more disgusting than anything we’ve previously seen.
In all frankness, I wonder sometimes if Bret Michaels just pops penicillin daily to keep the nasty fully contained. Is there, like, a battle raging inside this tormented soul? A battle, say, of his white blood cells against the sharp-fanged offspring of Gonorrhea? God – no, scratch that – SATAN only knows.
I won’t even get into the petty shit, because neither you guys nor I have the time or energy. What I will address from the first episode is the shot heard ‘round the world. I speak, of course, of the *ahem* coochie shot. Holy shit, Gia. You actually managed to disgust Bret Michaels, who, earlier, confessed to another girl, who had done porn, that he’d jerked off to her routinely.
Rock Bottom, meet Gia. Gia…meet rehab and a fucking clue, sweetheart. Get in touch with that daddy who left you and tell him he owes you some hugs and an explanation. I can’t believe she isn’t even embarrassed about that. But then again, there’s a lot of stuff about this show that I can’t believe.
Another of those unbelievable aspects of the Bus is the porn star I just mentioned. Her name is Brittany, but I'll call her Bunny, as in bunny boiler, because that’s what she’s shaping up to be.
The second episode features the first challenge, which revolved around a “wedding,” and what the vows would be, etc. It was just a fun way for Bret to get to know the Cliffs Notes versions of these broads so he could fuck off to that night’s show already, and here comes Bunny with FIVE FUCKING PAGES about the “wings of love” and “with love in my eyes and soul” because she insists she’s a singer/songwriter now. It’s cute, really. Like when your dog throws up and then feels bad about it so they eat it so you won’t have to clean it. She gets worse, of course, and Bret keeps her, OF COURSE.
And here’s where I need to point out that ROL has become an hour-long public service message to fathers: HUG YOUR DAMN DAUGHTERS. Or else they end up sticking shit up their crotches to compete for the affections of a man who just wants to stick HIS shit in there and move on. Do you want your little girl to become the human equivalent of a truck stop urinal? Jesus, let’s try a little harder, Dads of America.
I’m thoroughly disgusted, and yet I still watch. Someone please explain this phenomenon, so I can get the proper help I need.
Miz J, who works in advertising, has tons of opinions and a big mouth to broadcast them across the globe; however, the Internet saves her the trouble of yelling. Check out her blog at Miz J.
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Posted January 12, 2009
'GRAND' FINALE
Order Some Pizza And Pass The Chips! Tonight's "The Biggest Loser" Finale
EVERY TUESDAY NIGHT FOR THE LAST THREE MONTHS, I've endured two hours of sweaty workouts, calorie counting, bland snacks, physical challenges, and lots of drama. All while sitting on my ass, eating millions of calories worth of take-out and watching The Biggest Loser.
Tonight, in the season finale of “The Biggest Loser,” we finally see who among four previous fatties wins the $250,000 pot.
After 12 weeks of exercising, dieting, vomiting, crying, whining and back-stabbing, the four finalists vying for the title are husband-and-wife team Ed and Heba, Vicky The Vicious, and Michelle The Meek.
This sixth season of Biggest Loser started with eight teams squaring off -- four husband/wife teams and four parents paired with their grown children.
Heba, Ed and Vicky are all that is left of the Blue Team led by Bob Harper, the lovable, soft-guy trainer. Michelle is the last one standing from Team Black, led by Jillian Michaels, the balls-to-the-walls, “I want you to sweat and piss blood!” trainer.
Heba and Ed both made it to week four, when Ed was kicked off. Their team lost the least amount of weight and someone had to go. Ed pleaded that his wife be allowed to stay. You could almost hear Heba’s whip cracking as he made his plea. Wish granted, Ed! You get to go home. That is, until week eight, when previously kicked-off players got a second chance at the game. Whoever takes 1,000 steps first wins! Look who’s back! It’s Ed.
Vicky Vicious started the game with hubby, Brady. All season she complained to Bob that her hubby was keeping her back; he got kicked out weeks ago.
The mild-mannered Michelle partnered up with estranged mother Rene, who had abandoned her daughter after divorcing her dad. But mom and daughter put the past behind them, pledged to lose weight and re-connect. The twosome struggled to stay on top and avoid being eliminated until Week 11, when Rene was up against Vicky Vicious. Bye bye, Rene.
The fight was on for the final three spots. At the weigh-in, Vicky had lost 6 pounds; Heba lost 7 pounds; Ed gained two. Then it was Michelle’s turn and the scale showed she lost 9 pounds, propelling her to the top of the heap. Now Heba and Ed faced elimination.
But while the teams typically disappear into the “elimination room” to vote someone out, this year America gets to choose the third finalist. Then it's on to name the season's biggest winner.
Last week, Heba and Ed took turns pleading their case. Heba argued she has what it takes to go all the way; Wuss that he is, Ed asked America to vote for Heba too. Poor Ed, I sure hope Heba gives you just a little bit of the prize money if she wins.
Personally, I’m rooting for Michelle. But in case she doesn’t pull it off, I relish seeing Heba’s defeated face if nice guy Ed is runner-up.
Pass me the remote, and the chips! I'm ready for these losers!
Nicki R. is a Southern girl living in the big city of Chicago. She loves quiet evenings a home watching horror films with her dogs Jezebelle and Zombie. She can be reached at nickiret@hotmail.com.
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Posted December 16, 2008
PAINTED LADIES
The Hot Housewives Of Surreal Atlanta
DESPERATE HOUSEWIVES ARE SO ‘HO’ HUM. I prefer the “Real” Housewives, particularly the captivating sistahs of Atlanta, rumored land of milk and honey for upwardly-mobile blacks. Even though they can still be a bevy of backstabbing be-yoches, at least they’re not as insane as those “Of Love” chicks.
Sheree, DeShawn, Kim, Lisa and, my personal favorite, NeNe. I covet their frequent spa treatments even more than the gated houses, personal makeup artists and chefs. Scratch that, I’ve always vowed that if I got to live large a personal chef would be my first hire.
But let’s dissect, shall we?
Kim’s first. Unlike the other housewives she’s a white girl who likes to say she’s “a black woman in a white woman’s body.” I hate that phrase. You’re white Kim. And blonde. Nothing black about you; you just hang with black folks sometimes. She also thinks she’s a country singer because she has that big, blonde weave. Poor Kim, she’s not even a good bathroom singer. Although she has a hook-up with top producer Dallas Austin through her mysterious unseen sugar-daddy, this woman is delusional.
Dallas sends her to a top voice coach who tells her she doesn’t know what she’s doing. When she finally records in a studio the engineer is horrified, and I swear I don’t know how Dallas kept a straight face. When she hears the playback she can only say, “Oh.” I wonder what her next dream will be because country singer is definitely o-vah!
Then there’s DeShawn, married to basketball player Eric Snow (who used to play here in Philly. Go Sixers!). After they built their dream home, she consulted with a decorator for oh, about 3 hours, and viola – we see the family walking into their fully-decorated home. We also see her hiring a staff. Well, not quite; we see her interviewing estate managers who will then hire staff. As she says, “We talk to the estate manager…We don’t talk to the others.” What a snoot!
But her heart is in the right place as she founds a foundation to work with girls from the hood. She also throws a “Diamond Gala” at her palatial home to raise $1 million dollars for the foundation, but girlfriend didn’t charge admission and the auction was a bust. There had to be some folks there with some ducats. I think one of her rich housewife girlfriends should have started the bidding, but did they? HELL NO. You eat the girl’s food and drink her champagne and don’t give it up. For shame! Or maybe they’re poseurs?
NeNe is a funny round-the-way girl who made good. She’s still wild and crazy but now buys her clothes at Neiman’s. Her husband is a successful real estate developer who is so sweet and supportive you could eat him up with a spoon. Her drama comes from a broken friendship with Kim and a rivalry with stuck-up Sheree.
Oh, and there’s the Maury-style who’s-the-father DNA test when a relative snitches that the only father NeNe’s known is not THE FATHER (this turns out true and devastasting). NeNe also starts a foundation - for battered women. She confides that she was in a domestic violence situation once and feels blessed to be out of it. She organizes a Big Hat luncheon (big, church-style hats being a part of African-American tradition) which is a big success. She charges $75 a ticket (DeShawn, take a lesson!), leaves notes at each place setting asking for additional donations and raises $19,000. You go, girl.
Not much to say about Lisa Wu Hartwell. Married to football player Ed Hartwell; ex-wife of singer Keith Sweat. They had two invisible children together and they just show her new baby with Ed (what a cutie). Lisa is one of those people you want to hate because she’s fucking gorgeous, has a bowling alley in her home, and is a jewelry designer, real estate mogul and life-of-any-party. But you like her anyway. She's not into drama, she's too damn busy for it. Awesome.
Then there’s Sheree. I know her type. In Philly she would have been the girl who grew up in a big stone West Mount Airy house. Girls with names like Winter, who didn’t attend parties outside of the neighborhood lest they meet the hoi polloi. She just thinks she’s all that. She’s in a nasty divorce with footballer Bob Whitfield and just wants her seven figures so she can get on with her lifestyle. She, like Kim, her new best friend, put the K in klass. She left NeNe’s name off the guest list at her birthday party and said it was a mistake. Then smiled. BITCH!
This show is lessons learned. Money can’t buy you good sense, a singing voice or designer talents. But, wow, the things it can buy are amazing. And since the good folks atBravo are masters at synergy, look for Project Runway’s Michael Knight in next week’s finale. Proving who’s the bigger bitch, he pretty much tells Sheree that just because she’s got greenbacks wears nice clothes doesn't mean she can buy “fashion designer.” Holla! Can’t wait!
SexyChattyCatty comments at CrabbyGolightly.com on TV, America's favorite snack food.Permalink
Posted November 14, 2008
HYPOCRITE
Déjà Vu? Larry Birkhead Buys More Fame With Daughter Dannielynn
SO LARRY BIRKHEAD CONFIRMS RUMORS ABOUT FILMING HIS OWN REALITY SHOW set to premiere on E! in 2009. The show will focus on his life as a courageous single dad, strong businessman, and inspirational home-school teacher to his 18-year-old nephew Justin.
Birkhead won Anna Nicole Smith’s golden baby in the 2007 “Celebrity Maury” scandal and was lucky enough to be painted the underdog amidst a cartoonish cast of paternity possibilities. The conniving lawyer/lover/dealer Howard K. Stern, the giant token body guard, and Zsa Zsa Gabor’s big, wacky, yelling, German husband carried on like characters on a celeb-reality dating show before Birkhead ultimately claimed his prize.
Larry’s career as a paparazzo, shameless affection for Access Hollywood interviews, and carefully frosted tips should have all been warning signs.
The rest of the Anna Nicole circus has slowly shuffled back into the woodwork (read: trailer parks of America), but Birkhead has spent the last year and a half attempting to spin his accidental “baby daddy” image into that of an inspirational Danny Tanner story.
He’s finally ready to move out of the deceased Smith’s house to a “child-friendly” residence where he can live peacefully and thrust his unassuming daughter-cum-meal ticket into the spotlight like her mother.
If not likeable, I can at least say he’s persistent. When life gave Larry lemons, he made lemonade. So what if his ex-lover killed herself on a pill binge during an unfulfilling life in the spotlight? He gets another shot at fame with daughter Dannielynn.
Benjamin Bradshaw B. is a fashion merchandising student who blogs at CrabbyGoLightly.com on culture, ads, and corporate monsters. You can reach him at Myspace.com/taterzz.com.Permalink
Posted November 3, 2008
MORNING CHATTER
"The View" In Black And White
HE PRESIDENTIAL CAMPAIGN IS GETTING EVERYBODY'S HACKLES UP, EVEN THE LADIES OF THE VIEW.
Full disclosure: I've never watched a complete episode of The View. I will not wear that one. But the firestorms that erupt between the five hosts sometimes break through the headlines, and so I got to see Elisabeth Hasselbeck and Sherri Shepherd's "passionate" exchange about Barack Obama's eyebrow-raising ties and John McCain's disloyalty to his first wife. My reaction? "Wow! A real conversation on TV!"
The sentiments expressed by Hasselbeck and Shepherd are spilling out all over America, so why shouldn't they raise the same questions? It does a nation good to clear the air.
The media acts as though America is divided into two camps: liberal or conservative, racists or not, but the truth is far more complicated, nuanced and ephemeral.
The only comment out of line was Joy Behar's flippant remark, "You're listening to Sean Hannity too much!" after Elisabeth rightly pointed out the Democrats' hand in bolstering up a shaky Freddie Mac and Fannie Mae.
That was below the belt, Joy. And, FYI, brush up on your facts.
Even the Washington Post, a media outlet with some of the best liberal cred, reported the Dems' involvement as fact. So does Tina Brown's latest media creation, The Daily Beast, which labeled Congressional Dems as "enablers" in the country's finacial fiasco.
So here's my plea to the ladies, as well as to the nation. Can you stop ganging up on Elisabeth? There's a whole lot of people like her out there, even in Barack territory, except they only say privately what Hasselbeck said publicly.
Geesh, used to be Republicans were the vicious bomb-throwers who thrilled at sowing contempt. This campaign the Dems' have borrowed a page from that playbook. Can we bring some civility back to the debate?Permalink
Posted October 9, 2008
SNIP, SNIP
Hair Stylist Tabitha Coffey's Cutting Tool? Her Pouty Little Mouth
LTHOUGH BRAVO DISAPPOINTED ME WITH THE drivel that is Date My Ex, I am still a submissive to their dom. How can I stay away from the awesomeness that is Tabatha Coffey?
Tabatha was a contestant on the first season of Bravo’s Sheer Genius. Although she didn’t win the title, she did win “fan favorite” and a little Bravo bonus of 10 large.
In Tabatha’s Salon Takeover, Tabby follows in the footsteps of fellow Brits Gordon Ramsey and Peter Ishkans. Ramsey (my personal favorite, yum) makes over restaurants on his BBC and Fox shows Kitchen Nightmares, and showcases his own restaurant on The F Word. Ishkhans remakes coffee shops, pet shops and, I guess, any business that needs his particular brand of rehab.
Tabatha sticks to hair salons.
Tabatha is one of those women who has developed her own style. She’s reminiscent of Anne Robinson of Weakest Link fame. She has a more pixiesh white-blond hairstyle but she has the same affection for dressing in all black (with touches of white). Bravo put her in a neon red top for her promo commercial and it just seemed wrong. Wrong, Bravo! Let Tabatha be Tabatha! I admire people who create their own style of dress. I hope to do it myself one day.
Since the words “warm and cuddly” are not in her vernacular, Tabby terrifies every owner and staff person she meets. And she’s not afraid of using her own “F” word when needed. One stylist calls her an “animal.” That’s a bit harsh.
Like Ramsey, she’s strict and stern but also educates and encourages. She certainly brings the drama but isn't that what we want in our reality stars? I think she’s great and most of the stylists end up thinking that as well. I can't wait for Season 2.
SexyChattyCatty comments at CrabbyGolightly.com on TV, America's favorite snack food.Permalink
Posted September 19, 2008
LOSING HIS YOUTH
Reality TV Op! Hugh Hefner's Looking For New Dyed-Blonde Hangers-On
HUGH HEFNER'S THREE GIRLFRIENDS FROM The Girls Next Door are moving out of the
Playboy Mansion, an insider told Scandalist. The news suggests America’s oldest sugar daddy has either run out of charm or his Viagra prescription.
Holly Madison, Hef’s number one girlfriend (we presume she's in charge of colonics?) is moving out to date “Mindfreak” star Criss Angel. The magician (who’s a notch creepier than David Copperfield and three notches cheesier than Nickleback) has previously been linked to other “hot but stupid” celebrities like Pamela Anderson and Cameron Diaz. Madison’s obvious economic downgrade trades free living and all-day topless water sliding for more time spent shopping for hair products and Affliction skull T-shirts.
Both Kendra Wilkinson and Bridget Marquardt are reportedly moving out to focus on their careers (read: be naked other places). If we’re lucky this means some VH1 reality game shows, a heavily-edited memoir (with lots of pictures), and maybe a line of clear heels exclusively for Steve and Barry’s.
The inside source says Hef is already looking for replacements to mend his broken heart (and provide more intellectual discourse). I’m hoping he takes the opportunity to do this “Donald Trump style” and cash in on a reality TV girlfriend search. Until then, America’s most eligible elder is back on the market and looking for some broke, 20-year-olds with low self esteem who don’t mind having sex for free room and board.
Benjamin Bradshaw B. is a fashion merchandising student who blogs at CrabbyGoLightly.com on culture, ads, and corporate monsters. You can reach him at Myspace.com/taterzz.com.Permalink
Posted September 11, 2008
LOOK AT ME
The Dual Nature of Model Isis: Both Role Model And Pawn
GLAAD president Neil Giuliano praises America's Next Top Model for the inclusion of a transgendered contestant for the upcoming eleventh season. This is a first for the show that has only previously exploited natural women for television ratings.
The CW announced that Tyra Banks's model search (read: girls that are remotely pretty and some who are kind of ugly that haven't been on another reality competition yet) will include Isis as a twist. Previous twists have been less controversial, including a blind girl, one with Asperger's syndrome, and a few "plus sizers."
I welcome Isis after 10 seasons of a tired formula that only changes when the judging panel is downgraded every few seasons. The drama plays out:
~ The impressionable models have petty fights in a house that is literally filled to the brim with misty photos of Tyra Banks.The inclusion of Isis has earned the show praise from Giuliano who told US Weekly that he "applaud[s] Tyra Banks and The CW for making this historic visibility of transgender people possible," but I'm not so easily pleased. Giuliano's theory holds true in the right surroundings, but it isn't for any competition that had Janice Dickinson making judgment calls. A reality TV show won't offer the transgendered community historical visibility, but it will offer a lump sum of money at the expense of dignity.
~ One girl refuses to get naked or covered with zoo animals, or both, for which she is eliminated.
~ Tyra has bad hair at the elimination ceremony.
~ After such a rewarding experience the models cry, Tyra cries, and they fade into oblivion (which includes occasional appearances on The Tyra Banks Show).
Alexis Arquette, David Arquette's sister, was among the first transgendered contestants to appear on Reality TV (with shenanigans to shame Chris Crocker). Her screaming, umbrella-heaving stint on the Surreal Life didn't enrich America with "visibility" of the transgendered population, but it did shamelessly bump her career.
The wacky camera-hogging was at the expense of the whole LGTB community and as with most poignant shows like the Surreal Life, she embarrassed herself into temporary "novelty stardom." In Isis's case, a modeling career could be respectfully obtained with less scripted drama outside of the ridiculous ANTM house with an actual modeling agency (and she won't have to get naked and covered with zoo animals).
As with most of reality TV, the variable isn't the prize, but the instant fame and negative attention. It just so happens Isis is lucky enough to be the newest -- and freshest -- press-seeking pawn for the ANTM franchise.
Benjamin Bradshaw B. is a fashion merchandising student who blogs at CrabbyGoLightly.com on culture, ads, and corporate monsters. You can reach him at Myspace.com/taterzz.com.
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Posted August 26, 2008
NEW FACE
Who's That Girl? Elle Says Myia Ingoldsby’s Hairstyle is Fall's New Look
As far as this junk-TV junkie can tell, the only thing saving Bravo’s “Date My Ex: Jo and Slade” is Myia Ingoldsby’s hair.
Though I am repulsed by Jo De La Rosa’s shallowness and Slade Smiley’s control issues, I confess that watching the show is like gorging myself on cotton candy: I always feel sticky afterwards. I haven’t heard the word “douche-bag” (compliments of Jo’s Ari Gold-esque suitor David while describing Slade) since high school, and I have to admit it put me on a nostalgia trip.
And then there’s Myia Ingoldsby, Jo’s so called “best friend,” a.k.a. random girl who just happens to be British, poised, and available enough to host her “friend’s” dating show.
Although I can’t help but wonder where the hell she came from, Ingoldsby does have one redeeming factor -- her hair. According to fashion handbook Elle, Myia’s thick cut bangs are one of fall 2008’s top 10 “it hairstyles.” (Or is this some bored editorial writer's idea of a practical joke on the public?)
Her locks are also bleached enough for her to fit in with the best of LA’s “real fake” blonde, tan, and big-breasted women. You never really know how her hair will be styled when she steps onto the screen: pin straight, curly, bun, braids? But you can always count on her signature thick bangs that barely reveal her eyes.
Do I smell “spin-off”? Well, let’s not get ahead of ourselves.
Danielle Cadet is a student at the Medill School of Journalism at Northwestern University who likes to write about fashion and pop culture catastrophes.Permalink
Posted August 20, 2008
TORI, TORI, TORI!
Tori Spelling, Loveable Poor Little Rich Girl
ONFESSION TIME! I LIKE...TORI SPELLING. PRODUCTIONS, THE PEOPLE RESPONSIBLE FOR THE COPY-CAT DATING SHOW A Shot at Love with Tila Tequila (who will officially top my “List of People Ruining America” after George W. Bush leaves office) posted a casting call recently on www.ShotAtLoveCasting.com. here was a lot of crying these past few days in the SCC den. im Gunn, America’s Gay grandpa, made zip, as in $0 during his first season as Project Runway’s “mentor”, the show’s executive producer Harvey Weinstein
revealed last week in court wranglings over the show's sudden move from Bravo to Lifetime. EY BRAVO, I CONFESS I'M ADDICTED TO YOUR SHOWS LIKE AN ''INTERVENTION'' SUBJECT. O YOU THINK YOU CAN DANCE CONTINUES TO ENRAPTURE ME. USED TO BE AMUSED BY KEITH OLBERMANN, MSNBC's bully pulpit. I was dazzled by his eloquence and taken in by the righteousness he wore on his sleeve. I was an early fan in the late 90s during his first go-round at MSNBC, captivated by his wit and his daily lacerations on the Monica Lewinsky scandal. And though I did not always agree with him, he was nevertheless the only must-see TV for me. Yet there were moments when the righteous mask slipped from his face and I saw glimpses of the carnival barker, and I suspected his real intentions: to sell more tickets. XCUSE ME WHILE I YAWN. I DON'T KNOW ABOUT YOU, but I could care less which David wins American Idol. Crooner David Archetta creeps me out with his swarmy sweetness. Faux rocker David Cook is passing. EY, IT'S NEW YORK, RIGHT? DOESN'T ANYTHING GO THERE? IT'S FINALE WEEK FOR two of my favorite snacks! AVE YOU EVER BEEN SNAPPED? I have and I'm addicted.
There, I said it and I feel the lightness that comes with dumping secrets.
I was thinking about this while looking at "Death of a Cheerleader," on Lifetime this weekend. (Okay, maybe I should keep some secrets.) And I never miss a showing of "Mother, May I Sleep With Danger," the "funniest bad" movie in creation. What is it about Tori that makes me feel like we could be friends in real life?
I am as far away from being a thin, blonde, rich young starlet as cheese is to the moon. But although Tori was raised a child of extreme privilege, I have the feeling that it has never really affected her. Maybe it's the way she treats her nanny; maybe it was how funny she was in her short-lived show, NoTorious; maybe it's her nose.
She only spent a short time as a nightclub hellraiser with pal Shannon Doherty. And her only real scandal has been dating her husband Dean McDermott while they were both still married and supposedly getting cut out of her father's will: she was reportedly left only $800,000 of the Spelling millions.
Was it the insecurity she showed when her husband had a hot, young scuba instructor? She's the only woman I've heard admit that since she stole her husband away from someone else it could also happen to her. I was blown away that a Hollywood starlet could realize this.
They seem to struggle, she and Dean. It seems she's always struggled, first to get out from under the Spelling name. Then, to prove she could act. Now by teaming up with another B actor and putting every bump and bruise out there for all to see.
Thanks for keeping it real, Tori. I'm cheering for ya.
SexyChattyCatty comments periodically at CrabbyGolightly.com on TV, America's favorite snack food.Permalink
Posted August 10, 2008
CHEAP TRICKS
Get On Your HazMat Suits: 'A Shot at Love' and 'Rock of Love' Announce Casting Calls
495
Tequila’s tired reign as bisexual bachelorette (read: “skeezy butterface with bad tattoos”) will be taken over by a new and yet unannounced sorta-celebrity (who will also be a sorta-bisexual). 495 Productions used the casting website to showcase the company’s outstanding lack of quality by misspelling “San Fransisco,” “Massachusets,” and “Detriot.”
In related news (but with more bandanas), Rock of Love will be returning in the form of “The Rock of Love Bus with Bret Michaels.” VH1 and 51 Minds production, which spawned the celeb-reality block with The Surreal Life, will hold casting calls in 10 cities during Michaels’s upcoming tour. TMZ posted a sneak peak of the New York auditions with all the usual suspects.
Bret’s first two reality relationships didn’t work out (supposedly) because of his busy touring schedule (and his revived career that ties him to projects like that “Hard and Heavy” late night CD infomercial for Time Life). The new “Love Bus” hopes to find girls (read: “former porn stars”) that can handle Bret’s lifestyle by just using groupies from his natural habitat (a tour bus serving as an STD sample platter).
This new format is really just freshening up the cartoonish scenarios and degrading challenges, but I’m confident that there still will be lots of sex and zebra print cowboy hats. After all, a rose by any other name still has its thorn.
Both of the casting announcements are good news for reality TV hopefuls and I can assume that America's trailer parks and strip clubs will be emptied of residents and employees in search of stardom.
Diseases will be swapped and nudity censored soon enough in this reality TV “perfect storm” and I’ve already got my blond wig and bandana ready for premier night.
Benjamin Bradshaw B. is a fashion merchandising student who blogs at CrabbyGoLightly.com on culture, ads, and corporate monsters. You can reach him at Myspace.com/taterzz.com.Permalink
Posted August 9, 2008
BERNIE MAC DIES
Bernie Mac, Josh Allen, Evoking Tears For Different Reasons
Bernie Mac is dead.
Only 50 years old, Bernie was a brilliant comedian and actor, and now he's gone.
I loved Bernie Mac. He was tall, dark and handsome. He’s only a couple of years younger than I and we grew up in similar situations – poor, inner-city, large families under one roof -- the roots which grew his comedy.
I liked that I recognized all the songs on his TV show. And although he looked like he could beat your ass on a whim, he was just a really nice, round-the-way brother.
Mr. Mac made his film debut in a small part in 1992’s Mo’ Money, but it was 2000’s Original Kings Of Comedy that made him a household name.
It’s said that Bernie refused to change his comedy for Hollywood and that’s why it seems he just burst on the scene around 2000 although he’s been wise-cracking since grade school.
He died from complications of pneumonia, but has suffered from sarcoidosis, a tissue inflammation disease, since 1983. If I lived in Chicago you best believe I would be at his memorial service this Saturday. I am sure the 10,000 seat House Of Hope will be filled, with standing room only, to honor a man who was taken too soon.
But, just like life, I found reason for tears of joy too.
Josh Allen won the title of America’s Favorite Dancer! For me it was a foregone conclusion since I could see right from the start that he is freakin’ AWESOME.
And the judges just didn’t like his dancing; they were intrigued with him. He was supposed to be a breaker but would throw in sneaky ballet moves. Then he proved to be adept at any and every style of dance thrown at him.
I was incredulous that the final two were Twitch and Josh, two breakers. But Twitch, who almost made it last year and came back to try again, was an early favorite of the judges. Two breakers – whose personalities and abilities pushed them to the forefront.
I would have sworn it would be Katee and Josh since they were never in the bottom group and the judges couldn’t say enough good things about them both. The show did have the decency to recognize Katee by giving the top girl $50,000, something new this year. I can’t wait to see them dance again somewhere, anywhere soon. Hear that choreographers out there!
SexyChattyCatty comments at CrabbyGolightly.com on TV, America's favorite snack food.Permalink
Posted August 7, 2008
TV REDRESS
Tim Gunn, 'Making Things Work' After Bravo
And what did Gunn make the second season? $2,500 per episode, which barely covers costs after he updates his gray suit collection. It’s a good thing Gunn was savvy enough to profit off a book, a show, a deal as the chief creative officer for Liz Claiborne, and a catch phrase (which even Charo will tell you can coast a one trick pony for decades).
But to agree to the series on a “pro bono” basis just makes him that much more of a likeable, genuine father-figure just putting in his volunteer hours for the less fashion-fortunate. Tim Gunn is the Bill Cosby of 2008 minus the jello.
While the revelation gives Gunn points for likeability, it gives Weinstein et. al “dirt bag mogul points.” The Weinsteins are the wealthy citrus tycoons to Gunn’s underpaid migrant worker.
The show is moving from Bravo to (the less gay and more middle-aged)Lifetime now and Tim Gunn is along for the ride.
I predict two things: One, Gunn will receive a ridiculous and “accidentally revealed” paycheck increase. Two, Gunn will be there until season 16 on his deathbed even if he’s the last original face, pumping out his catchphrase but with less sass and more bathroom breaks (a la William Shatner).
Moving to Lifetime is a step down, but America’s gayest (as in happy!) grandpa will likely “make it work” until the show finally fizzles and is re-re-located to the E!
Benjamin Bradshaw B. is a fashion merchandising student who will comment periodically at CrabbyGolightly on fashion and advertising. You can reach him at Myspace.com/taterzz.com.Permalink
Posted August 5, 2008
EX MY DATE
SexyChattyCatty: "Date My Ex" Is Bravo's Surreality TV, Or The World According To Narcissists.
I teared up when I heard that Project Runway was leaving for Lifetime. I shamefully admit that I'm even looking forward to the next season of Top Design! So why, why did you have to poison the field with “Date My Ex?”
As your promos stated, we did get to know Jo De La Rosa (Yuck!)and Slade Smiley (Double yuck!) on “The Housewives of Orange County,” and we didn’t like them then. They weren’t married and she wasn’t a housewife, just a spoiled young woman who smiled a lot and pouts prettily. She said she wanted to work but didn’t (because Slade wouldn’t allow it).
She’s a gorgeous woman who traded her beauty for yellow diamonds, big houses and expensive cars. I always got such a fake and phony vibe from the two of them.
Their breakups were always followed by her whining to her friend JJ and Slade sampling the human meat market. Once with a friend of hers, another time bringing a babe-alicious date to a “Housewife” barbecue he knew she’d be attending. Such a cad!
Slade pretended to practice tough love, insisting that if she wanted to go live by herself in L.A., well, she should just go. She did. Yaaaay. He soon followed. Boooo. Next thing you knew she was trying to launch a “singing” career with his help. He’s her “manager.” Well, he has managed to keep them in the public eye a lot longer than necessary. He’s Bravo’s Spencer Pratt.
Date My Ex begins with a fake chat with Jo and two of her friends, Myia Ingoldsby and Katy Metz, (where’s JJ? I liked her!) about life, love and Slade. They even raise the possibility they could end up back together. Oh, please. We all know he’s still paying girlfriends bills. The best they have for a future is a sweaty workout in a silk-sheeted sack.
One of Jo's new best friends turns out to also be the host of this new dating game. For eight weeks Jo will be wined and dined by 4 suitors per week until she finds her new and improved, Slade, with Slade’s help. He’ll be living with them.
Her friends have supposedly arranged these dates. But after the initial crop of guys show up, Slade drops in to offer this warning, "No one knows Jo better than me, which means that no one probably has more influence over her." I rest my case.
I quit “Date My Ex” about 11 minutes in. It came on at 10 p.m. and I have to be up early. Why waste precious sleep time on this dreck? And, oh, did I tell you, I just don’t like them. Good luck, Jo. I’ll leave you with the wisdom of one Judge Judith Sheindlin -- Beauty fades, dumb is forever.
SexyChattyCatty comments periodically at CrabbyGolightly.com on TV, America's favorite snack food.Permalink
Posted July 23, 2008
WHAT A LIFT
This 'Dance' Show Sweeps Me Off My Feet
Some of my YouTube favorites are the show's auditions. This year’s contestants are crackling and I would hate to be a judge. I love seeing break-dancers do the Tango and contemporary dancers from Kansas stomping a hip-hop routine as if they lived on 125th Street. I have my favs, but I'm not rooting out loud cause I tend to jinx competitors (see the Phillies, Sixers, Flyers). But I will be there every Wednesday night at 10.
And, people, it’s time to cut or be cut. The second season of Bravo’s Shear Genius has started and so far it's off to a good start.
These shows seem to always telegraph the person who’s going home next. First you'll hear them harrumphing how great they are in their interview snippets and how they're going to win. Then, poof, gone, haha.
The contestants’ first challenge was to cut hair BLINDFOLDED. The models had on safety glasses but they weren't the ones in danger. All the cuts looked wacked to me.
The second challenge of the episode was the show's real winner. The contestants had to update the cartoon hairstyles of celluloid celebrities such as Wilma Flintstone, Judy Jetson, Betty Boop and Marge Simpson. It was great! 
There were two updates of each style. The contemporary "Wilma" won and rightly so, for the hair color was extraordinary and the styling was so Stone Age circa 2008. Just fab. I can just hear Fred purring approval. One of the Betty Boop updates was also to die for. See the photos here and judge for yourself.
Oh, and host Jaclyn Smith looks 40 but her voice is all grandma quavery. It’s oddly disconcerting. She’s joined by celebrity stylist Kim Vo and Allure beauty editor Kelly Atterton. Stylist Rene Fris is the Tim Gunn of the show. Rene is movie star handsome, but his Danish accent is foreign to my ears as opposed to Tim’s crisp English. But who needs to hear him when you can look at him all night?
SexyChattyCatty comments periodically at CrabbyGolightly.com on TV, America's favorite snack food.Permalink
Posted July 7, 2008
SHRILL NOISE
This Is Your News, Cracked: The Bloviator Keith Olbermann and the Blowhard from 'Nicetown'
Then, for various reasons I turned off the TV, put it in storage. And when I pulled it out again, Olbermann's big head and bellowing voice seemed to literally crash through the screen. I had been debriefed, and for the first time I was annoyed that cable news was first and foremost entertainment. I relished even more the real-time, honest conversations of C-Span.
Chris Matthews was always there in the background, feeding fodder for this political junkie-lite. And though he was a hometown boy from the not-so-nice neighborhood of "Nicetown," Matthews' analyses never seemed especially acute. Calling his show "Hardball'' seemed like the title an indulgent parent would give a coddled child's pitches. And watching it was like eating at a Greek restaurant because you loved Greek food, not because the chow was good.
Then Hillary Clinton ran for president. And all at once MSNBC became apparent for what it is: a frat house filled with women-haters. And since they were the cool kids in the media, who frequently threw parties and invited the less popular boys (Jonathan Alter, Howard Fineman, I'm talking about you) soon all the boys were trying to impress the alpha newshounds with their barks at Clinton. Crabby was flabberghasted when a media favorite Alter called for Hillary to get out of the race. That was back in March, before Hillary won Texas, Ohio, Pennsylvania and Kentucky, and despite Alter's claim to be "dreaming of a brokered convention for decades." Liar.
Now MSNBC's shrillness has gotten so ear-piercing that journalists with bona fides are speaking up.
News patrician Tom Brokaw had to correct Olbermann's claim that Clinton had "shoehorned" news coverage for herself. "Well, I think that's unfair," the elder-statesman said. "I don't think sheshoehorned her way in. When you look at the states that she won and the popular vote that she piled up, and the number of delegates that she has on her side, she's got real bargaining power in all of this."
As far as I know Olbermann did not make Brokaw one of his "Worst" persons in the world! Yet dare I say Olbermann proves her point when he anoints Katie Couric with that title after she criticized pundits who have "crossed the line" with their sexist slants against Hillary.
Time magazine claims the bloviator has blown his "last remaining gasket. "Every time he turns up the volume to 11 like this lately, he sounds like just another of the cable gasbags he used to be a corrective to,'' said James Poniewozik. Crabby couldn't say it any better.
But, surprise, surprise, guess who just beat Bill O'Reilly in the ratings? And the American Journalism Review wonders aloud if Olbermann is the "future of journalism." I'm not amused anymore by cable news. I'm frightened. Brokaw's gone, Couric's on the decline and Time is getting thinner.
And now we know why Olbermann's become the anti-corrective: the screaming sells. The carnival barker shines forth.Permalink
Posted June 12, 2008
FALSE IDOL
This Season's 'Idol' Is A Snoozarama
While last year's competition generated an online betting site -- complete with prizes -- at the office, this year the Idol buzz has lost to crabbing about $4 gallon gas. The judges say the talent gets better every year but they lie to keep their jobs. Though Carrie Underwood is tearing up the charts, two recent Idols, Reuben Studdard and Taylor Hicks, have been dropped by their record companies.
I’ve now joined the rabble who watch for the wacky audition hijinks and flee when the “talent show” begins. Frankly, Idol sounds like a broken record. Who knew that Idol, which gave us the undeniable and uncategorizable talent known as Kelly Clarkson, would reach its high note during its first season? The producers at Idol haven't learned life's fundamental truth: that in order to survive you need to evolve.
Which brings me to this: The so-called "full figured" Whitney Thompson won Top Model! Of course that means believing that a size '10' is full-figured. And her title is tinged with scandal. Rumor runs that Ms. Whitney was scouted and asked to put on pounds to be this year’s “plus-size” model. Check out a much thinner Whitney here.
While this doesn’t mean chunky will always outsell sans fat, it’s a huge accomplishment in Tyraland, where models wear size "0." Out of gratitude, I won't make fun of the "Tyra mail” that came on cards featuring Tyra as Mona Lisa. Her ego is getting as big as her patron saint’s, Oprah. And frankly, the world would run out of resources trying to feed the voracious appetites of two Oprahs her.
SexyChattyCatty comments periodically at CrabbyGolightly.com on TV, America's favorite snack food.Permalink
Posted May 20, 2008
OPEN MIKE NIGHT
New York Anchor Drops "F" Bomb Live, Needs "Try Saying" Phrases From H.R.
Crabby empathizes with NBC anchor Sue Simmons this morning, who had to issue an apology after a microphone caught her dropping the "F" bomb on a colleague last night. Apparently she was just reacting to a bit of incompetence and had the misfortune of getting caught on the air reacting. How embarrassing for her. Crabby understands. For instance, it was a bitch getting through traffic this morning, and God only knows how many verbal shells were lobbed from the safety of passing cars. But now Sue is gonna have to get fingers slapped by H.R.
If only she had had proper training by Human Resources. A while back, Crabby found this note on The Modern Gal, purportedly coming from a newspaper human resources department. There are those who contend There are those who contend the memo's a joke and that this H.R. department is mere urban legend. But in light of Sue's slip, it seems timely and relevant today.
Dear Employees:
It has been brought to management's attention that some individuals throughout the company have been using foul language during the course of normal conversation with their co-workers. Due to complaints received from some employees who may be easily offended, this type of language will no longer be tolerated.
We do however, realize the critical importance of being able to
accurately express your feelings when communicating with co-workers.
Therefore, a list of 18 New and Innovative "TRY SAYING" phrases have
been provided so that proper exchange of ideas and information can
continue in an effective manner.
1) TRY SAYING: I think you could use more training.
INSTEAD OF: You don't know what the f___ you're doing.
2) TRY SAYING: She's an aggressive go-getter.
INSTEAD OF: She's a ball-busting b__ch.
3) TRY SAYING: Perhaps I can work late.
INSTEAD OF: And when the f___ do you expect me to do this?
4) TRY SAYING: I'm certain that isn't feasible.
INSTEAD OF: No f______ way.
5) TRY SAYING: Really?
INSTEAD OF: You've got to be sh__ing me!
6) TRY SAYING: Perhaps you should check with...
INSTEAD OF: Tell someone who gives a sh__.
7) TRY SAYING: I wasn't involved in the project.
INSTEAD OF: It's not my f______ problem.
8) TRY SAYING: That's interesting.
INSTEAD OF: What the f___?
9) TRY SAYING: I'm not sure this can be implemented.
INSTEAD OF: This sh__ won't work.
10) TRY SAYING: I'll try to schedule that.
INSTEAD OF: Why the h___ didn't you tell me sooner?
11) TRY SAYING: He's not familiar with the issues.
INSTEAD OF: He's got his head up his a__.
12) TRY SAYING: Excuse me, sir?
INSTEAD OF: Eat sh__ and die.
13) TRY SAYING: So you weren't happy with it?
INSTEAD OF: Kiss my a__.
14) TRY SAYING: I'm a bit overloaded at the moment.
INSTEAD OF: F___ it, I'm on salary.
15) TRY SAYING: I don't think you understand.
INSTEAD OF: Shove it up your a__.
16) TRY SAYING: I love a challenge.
INSTEAD OF: This job sucks.
17) TRY SAYING: You want me to take care of that?
INSTEAD OF: Who the h___ died and made you boss?
18) TRY SAYING: He's somewhat insensitive.
INSTEAD OF: He's a pr_ck.
Thank You,
Human Resources
Print it out, laminate it and keep it handy at work!Permalink
Posted May 13, 2008
ROLE MODEL
Rooting for Fat Models and Proper Brits
I don’t know why, after ten years, I’m still watching America’s Next Top Model. Perhaps Tyra’s silly antics and solemn intonations? Or is it seeing gangly teens and twentysomethings sling slang while attempting to capture the crown? Ms. Jay is catwalk coach and judge extraordinaire; Mr. Jay just scares me.
The most unpredictable thing to happen this season is that “plus” size model Whitney Thompson is among the three finalists. I'm hoping, Tyra, after ten years of saying there’s nothing wrong with plus size models, that we might actually see one win?
Then there’s Last Restaurant Standing, a BBC show that’s as tasteful as Gordon Ramsey’s mouth is foul. No swearing, no temper tantrums, no stripper poles, no Kardashians. Nine teams of two are vying to open a restaurant with the support of Raymond Blanc, an award-winning owner of a two Michelin-star restaurant. [Two stars? That’s the best they could do?]
The show’s tony vibe makes it evident that British producers obviously are a different breed than those at that other restaurant show: missing are the routine backstabs of Top Chef. In Britain, contestants congratulate each other and lend a hand cheerfully.
I’m not sure which I prefer watching more: Brits' demonstrating their stiff upper lips, or Americans lunging for the jugular.
SexyChattyCatty comments periodically at CrabbyGolightly.com on TV, America's favorite snack food.Permalink
Posted May 13, 2008
REVENGE
Weekends Were Made for 'Sex, Love and Savage Revenge'
It's 12:30 on a Saturday afternoon. I decide to snack on a bit of televised junk food before running weekend errands. Channel surfing brings me to Oxygen’s Snapped. I really love these half-hour stories of desperate lovers with no recourse but murder out of love-gone-wrong. Are these people truly evil or just driven to crime? Is the series a "how-to for those who flirt with doing in their own toxic partner?
Sad to say, these episodes are like crack to a true crime lover like me. One episode bleeds [pun intended] into the next, and soon it’s 4 o’clock and I still don’t have my shoes on. Even reruns don’t deter me. Sometimes I think, “I’ve seen this one but I'll just look at a bit of it to make sure.”
Danger! Danger! I know damn well I've seen it, but you look at it for the fourth time anyway. I disgust myself sometimes.
SexyChattyCatty will comment periodically at CrabbyGolightly.com on TV, America's favorite snack food.Permalink
Posted May 3, 2008
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