The pap's magnification of Britney's human frailties is reaching an all-time high. Now they've got her pinned to the wall with a photo allegedly texting while driving through a red light. Now don't go thinking I'm an apologist for poor little Brit. What I am is a scold to the sleaze media who are unthinkingly ruining at least three people's lives: Brit's and babies' Sean and Jayden.

Can't wait to hear what the court monitor has to say about this one. No, she is not crouching in the front seat of Brit's Benz in fear of Brit's driving: she looks rather to be hiding her face from the cameras. Will she give Los Angeles Superior Court Commissioner Scott Gordon a first-person account of what it is like to be stalked by the media? I hope so. And for the claims that Fed-Ex deserves the Father of the Year Award, let me pose this question: why, then, when TMZ.com et. al.  write about his fatherly virtues they never actually have any PICTURES of Mr. Federline with his children in his arms? All I've ever seen is Nanny, Security Guard and Grandma. But when the two wee ones are with Brit, she is the one who is holding them. 

I appreciate it when I hear that celebs like George Clooney and Julia Roberts are feeling Brit's pain. Too bad that Brit doesn't have the breeding cred that the two A-listers have. Hollywood's leading lady Roberts is quoted in December's Vanity Fair as saying she wants to park Brit in her guest house and show her the ropes. Here's my plea that Brit actually takes her up on the offer.

In that corner of the kitchen is Missy Chase Lapine, author of  "The Speaky Chef," former publisher of Eating Well magazine and the founder of a natural baby bath line BabySpa.  Note two things we can't tell you about Missy in an instant: we don't know who her husband is, but surely he isn't worth the hundreds of millions that Jerry is. Nor do we know what type of shoes she wears.

We CAN comment on the faux  brouhaha that has erupted like an overcooked  soufflé: Who stole who's BRILLIANT idea to come up with sneaking veggies in carbs to serve those picky two-foot-high tyrants called children? My response:  Duh, who cares? I doubt there's a parent who's walked the Earth who hasn't tried to hide broccoli florets in macaroni and cheese, or peas in tomato soup.  Neverthless, we have a marketing scheme whipped up somewhere: a concocted fury over the alleged plagiarism of some cockamamee kids' recipes.

Seriously, folks, (and you Jerry), let's all stop fingering the 'other person' as the 'wackoo' and recognize an unimportant morsel of a story when we see one. All we really need to understand is that Jessica had better connections so that is why her book got more of a push in the public marketplace. Jessica, it turns out, is a better pucker-upper. That's how this world works, right? Now let's all turn our attention to turning all this hot air into a substitute for oil, and not the cooking kind.          

     The media has taken to reporting on Britney like she's some traffic wreck. Here's what she really is: a young girl barely in her 20s with too much money, two beautiful toddlers, a pretty hanger-on of an exhusband; and  a stage mother who sent her off to wear Mickey Mouse ears when she was barely in her teens. No wonder she didn't get an education, ya'll!!!! (That one's for you, TMZ) Blame that on her being her family's meal ticket at an early age. To echo  Jodie Foster's recent comments about  Lindsey Lohan: Where is her mother? Why did Brit's mother feed her to the vultures at such a young age and then turn on her when she had the audacity to take control of her own life?

    Now Britney is left to doggie paddle in Hollywood's pool of slime all by herself. What she needs is a strong agent like Pat Kingsley who can put the fear of God in the media and maybe Britney herself.   She needs guidance from someone who doesn't need or care about her money. Maybe Jodie Foster can mentor the little lost girl. Jodie recently commented on Hollywood's exploitation of young girls for financial gain. "When I was their age, there were no big 18-year-old stars. Now, we want the 17-year-olds so we can bleed them for all they're worth and squeeze as much money as we possibly can out of them - and then their career will be over in something like three years." But these standards, Britney is a survivor.  

     To paraphrase Britney, "Back off bitches."  Go pick on someone who can afford the fight, like Oprah.  

     This reality comes to mind as Gerry and Kate McCann flee Portugal and return to England declaring that they would never have hurt their "lovely daughter Madeleine." The two physicians have been put on the defensive by Portuguese authorities who have named the couple as suspects in their 3-year-old's disappearance. Friends and family members are adamant that the McCanns would never ever hurt their children. No matter that they are the kind of people who would leave their three children unattended while they dine elsewhere with friends. Murder and neglect are not the same thing, after all.

     But I would caution those same friends and family members: wait for the evidence. The wide-eyed Madeleine has been missing four whole months. The McCanns were  only fingered as suspects last week, after a redoubled effort to collect forensic evidence reportedly led to the finding of blood in the hotel room from which the child went missing.   

     I've watched this case unfold in the worldwide media as J.K. Rowling and Richard Branson and even the Pope were touched by the search for Madeleine.  I have read about Kate's distress, the couple's vow to never leave Portugal without their daughter, and their plaintive pleas to some phantom pedophile who stole off with their daughter in the night.  But the only only thing I know for sure about the McCanns is this: they are the parents of three children, they are both doctors, and they left their children ages 3 and under in a room  alone one night in Praia da Luz.

         I'm in no rush to believe anything else. For I've seen  firsthand and read too much about the charm of the narcissist and the sociopath, empty individuals who feel nothing toward others except entitlement. Who can lie, charm, cheat, and avoid responsibility with the widest of smiles.  Check out the symptoms of these creeps, then smile that you are the wiser, and come to a judgement on the guilt or innocence of the McCanns based on evidence. That's what I'm planning to do.   

      I should be grateful to see the snaps of Your Handsome. But for some reason I'm getting cranky. Hmmm, let me thing about this for a minute. Is there a reason Mr. Brad wants us all to think of him as Mr. Nice Guy? Could it be because he wants us all to run out and see his new movie "The Assassination of Jesse James by the Coward Robert Ford."? I'm sure Braddie Boy hopes that his good deeds land a bigger box office than Saint Angelina's did with her performance in "A Mighty Heart." Try as the media did to get viewers out to pay homage to one of their own, the movie grossed $4 million in its opening weekend. And nary a nasty word from the media big boys. It pays to be pretty and well connected and to earn those boys money when they post your picture!      

     Soon-to-be ex-Senator Larry Craig has resigned his Congressional seat after more than 25 years of public service. All because another  "public" official, this one much farther down in the government pay scale but with a badge, claims the Senator played footsie with him in an airport bathroom. While the Republicans have ostracized  Craig, his children allege to see the truth in their father's eyes and back up his claim that he is not gay. I'm sure we have yet to hear the final chapter of this story.

    Yes, yes, I know the Republicans have to feed a stalwart Party man to the Religious Right when the issue is gay sex.  And yea, yea, you're not gay Senator Craig. Say whatever you want about either of these talking points. But the biggest "What the Fu--!@" to me is that there are law enforcement officers staking out public restrooms in search of men allegedly looking for gay sex. What planet  do we live on? I wonder how that guy justifies his living. When did this type of entrapment become okay?

    Keeping Senator Craig company is Larry Birkhead, daddy to Anna Nicole Smith's love child DannieLynn. I don't even want to type the much- repeated promotional blurb for MSNBC's former barking seal Rita Cosby. Suffice is to say that Larry was allegedly caught with his pants down in the company of former arch nemesis and competition Howard Stern. Someone's blowing something with this story but I'm not sure it isn't just hot air. I guess we'll have to wait 10 years for the fallout of this libel suit to see who wins this one.  

     In the meantime, professional prevaricators Tony Snow and Karl Rove take their leave from the White House. May they rest in the peace outside the public eye.  

 cheeks. In his bid to get full custody, Fed-

Ex's acolytes claim he's motivated by his young

sons' wellbeing and not by Brit's residuals. A Republican

Senator is outed as hypocrite after educating a nation on

the nuances of soliciting gay sex in public bathrooms.

And now the nation's number one Cowboy Bush seeks to  

protect the very communication companies that enabled

his rough riding over Americans' civil rights post

9/11. (Quick, someone search donations to the RNC!)

  Welcome to CrabbyGoLightly! Where

power and celebrity are viewed between slitted

eyes. Where the naive are encouraged to embrace the dark

truth: not everything you read is true and photos do

too lie. Didn't your mother teach you anything? 

    In her own raw  WAY WE HAVE TO THANK  Britney for

keeping things real. Hers is not a derriere that has been

shaped by hours spent on the Stairmaster. Despite her

codependence on the paparazzi, her in-your-face panty-

less shenanigans remind us all she's only human. Because

of her, the liposuction-less among us can walk more

safely.  Thanks for that Britney.