KING KLASS
Making Way For the Crowd In P. Diddy's Mind
IHAD JUST GRABBED A SLICE OF PIZZA AT RAY'S IN MIDTOWN WHEN I WAS ENGAGED in the bad habit of walking down the sidewalk while texting.
Suddenly, I hear a deep voice.
"Excuse me! You're not coming in here, are you?" booms the voice.
I look up; the voice is coming from a large man in a sharp looking jacket and black driver's cap guarding the entrance to the building next to Ray's.
I'm confused. After all, I'm a good 10 feet from the door and making a B-line for the next block. I stop and look at him, puzzled.
"I'm sorry?"
"You ain't coming in here I hope!,'' barks the man. "You ain't trying to get in, are you? You can't be coming in here right now! I can't let you in!"
This guy is adamant about keeping me away from a door that I have no intention of entering. That's when I realize I'm outside the entrance to Bad Boy Entertainment Worldwide, the business umbrella of Sean John Combs, a.k.a Puff Daddy, a.k.a Puffy, a.k.a P. Diddy, a.k.a Diddy, a.k.a Cheesy Poofs, a.k.a Rumplestiltskin (because, why not?).
"No, I- I'm not- what? I-," I stutter. And now I want in because something obviously going on!
That's when I see them: two men walking up the sidewalk and heading for the door, and one of them is most definitely Seanie Poofs himself. His head is buried deep into the hood of a white goose down coat (likely his own line), and he has his signature shades on. He walks swiftly and vigilantly toward the door with the second man nearly glued to his hips. I presume: the body guard?
Someone must have called ahead to let the doorman know Puffs was approaching so they could clear the path for him.
Cause, Lord knows how dangerous this area can get! A big name like Seanie Poofs could get swarmed by book editors, concert oboists, bike messengers, even hot dog vendors! He has to move swiftly and incognito to his office, lest the self-proclaimed fragrance King be harassed on his way to approve T-shirt designs!
But here's the funny thing: I looked around...and... there is... nobody on the sidewalk but me. All the hullabaloo is much ado about nothing.
I mean, if the Puffer gotten out of a cab by himself and strolled down the block without his face covered, no one would have noticed. I wouldn't even have known it was him. It's New York, for pissant's sake. We've all got things to do.
"Oh," I say to the doorman, "that's your man, huh? The guy who runs this place?" "Nah, nah, nah. That ain't him.
"Nah," as if to say, "Move along, now, layman."
It's obvious that Seanie Poofs has an incessant need to feel powerful and important, hence the theatrics involved in making his way to a door.
It's okay, Seanie Poofs. You're important. I've been to the less affluent neighborhoods in Brooklyn, where I've seen middle aged men walking down the streets with your signature hooded sweatshirts (which retail in the neighborhood of $140). Why they're such suckers for brand recognition, I don't know. But you've managed to sucker them all. I guess that makes you important, or maybe just rich.
Peter Lawrence kicks up the dirt while pounding New York City's pavements. You can email him at PLawrenceNYC@gmail.com.Permalink
Posted February 2, 2009
HAPPINESS IS A SIZE 12
Trolls Trounce On Jessica For Weight Gain, But Science Suggests She's Happier
S THEY PICK AND PULL AT HER FOR ADDING A FEW POUNDS, WHAT THE BLULTURES OVERLOOK IS THE WIDENESS JESSICA SIMPSON'S SMILE. VEN CRABBY, A JADED FADING POLITICAL JUNKIE, IS SWEPT UP in the good vibe of the impending Obama Inauguration. LL ACROSS AMERICA, BORED FLIERS ON THEIR WAY HOME FROM HOLIDAY TRIPS ARE PERUSING THE UNINTENTIONAL HILARITY THAT IS THE SKY MALL. ELEVISION HAS PERFECTED THE ART OF ATTRACTING miserable people to its mundane, soft-glowing, visage. ND YOU THOUGHT THE WEB WAS JUST FOR POINTLESS DISTRACTION AND VOYEURISM WHILE AT THE OFFICE? WRONG. HIS NEWS JUST MIGHT LEAD TO THE MONTAUK MONSTER FINALLY GETTING BURIED. BIGFOOT IS BACK. earmongers are spreading alarm that come October 21, when European scientists officially unveil the world’s largest particle accelerator and attempt to recreate the “Big Bang,” the world as we know it could end. ccording to the American Psychiatric Association’s “Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders", the Narcissistic Personality Disorder is the mental disorder of people who need admiration, lack empathy and have a grandiose sense of their self-importance. ORDES OF DEAD ANIMAL LOVERS OVERWHELMED OFFICIALS IN MONTAUK, LONG ISLAND DEMANDING THAT THE MYSTERIOUS "MONTAUK MONSTER" BE GIVEN A PROPER BURIAL. CIENCE HAS HANDED ME THE ULTIMATE DEFENSE FOR MY SARCASM: My forked tongue proves that I am socially savvy, can read verbal cues and am not suffering from brain damage. So there, Mom! You should thank god for my talent! TRAIGHT UP, I'M GONNA SAY THAT I DO NOT, WOULD NOT, EVER, ADVOCATE PRACTICING ONE SO-CALLED RELIGION OVER ANOTHER. Catholicism, Buddhism, Mormonism, Oprahism -- you name it, religion is a personal matter that fills the void in many lives. And I for one would never say that one was better than the next. CI FI BUFFS MIGHT BE FAMILIAR WITH THE MOVIE "The Lathe of Heaven,'' based on a 1971 novel by Ursula K. Le Guin, in which whatever the protagonist dreamed becomes reality, sometimes with unimaginable consequences. I only found out the name of the movie a few weeks back when I went in search of the flick that blew my mind. Because the guy dreamed that there would be an end to racism, and when he woke up, everybody was gray. FEEL LIKE I'M WRITING COPY FOR RIPLEY'S "BELIEVE IT OR NOT!" APPARENTLY THERE IS A SUBCULTURE OF MEN (AND WOMEN?) WHO SO LOVE THEIR CARS THAT THEY FUCK THEM. Crabby is willing to venture that such auto-eroticals surely lay claim to sensory-deprived childhoods, vivid imaginations and/or extreme right-brain activity. The hobby-cum-fetish delivers alternative meaning to the term 'joy stick.' But every day delivers fresh insights and new discoveries about our world, and Crabby is rapturous with delight at learning them! HO KNEW THAT CATHOLICS WITH IMAGINATIONS had to hide this fact from other church-goers? Apparently more than gay priests have had to stay in the Catholic closet: Until recently, Catholics who believed in aliens might have wondered if they were violating church canon. Now comes news that the Vatican has issued a statement informing churchgoers that it's okay to believe in aliens. OW ONE COMES TO GOD IS ITS OWN MYSTERY. Some are raised in a church and arrive at adulthood unquestioning. Others pick up the habit out of need or want, their faith a byproduct of delivery from desperate moments. Some, like me, never stop vascillating between the need for religion and the refusal to embrace it out of anger. The eternal question beckons: if a perfect God exists, how could he or she could rationalize the horrors that are afflicted daily onto man by man and nature? RABBY HAS A DIRTY SECRET: SHE LIKES WAL-MART! Yes, I know, I should hang my head in shame and avert my eyes any time some 'elite' yuppie looks at me askance for liking cheap products made with Chinese teen labor. (In the interest of full disclosure, Crabby lives far too many miles away from Wal-mart to actually shop there, but she would.) MERICA'S INSIDIOUS EXPORTATION OF BUSTY DOLLS AND UNEARTHLY SUPERHEROES HAS resulted in an edict handed down by an Iranian official declaring that Western toys are dangerous and must be banned from the Muslim country. OULD A POCKET VOODOO DOLL HOLD THE SAME POWER? INALLY, SOUR, RESIGNED PEOPLE ALL ACROSS PENNSYLVANIA WILL HAVE THEIR DAY OF RECKONING. The slapfest between the junior Senator from Illinois and the junior Senator from New York reaches its apex today in Pennsylvania's rich, contrarian soil. Today's highly anticipated brawl is billed as potentially a knock-out fight. I say may the best bitch win. PROPOS OF NOTHING, TODAY'S LESSON FROM CRABBYTOWN IS ON THE DEFINITION OF "DAFT." ERHAPS THIS IS SOME PASSIVE-AGGRESSIVE WAY REPUBLICANS ARE PLANNING TO KEEP IMMIGRANTS OUT OF THE COUNTRY WITHOUT BUILDING EXPENSIVE WALLS or waging a messy political battle. S "WONDERFULHUMAN161-B" SUCCINCTLY PUT IT ON THE COMMENT BOARD of the New York Daily News: "HELLLLLLLLLLOOOOOOOOOOOOO DOE EYED GIRLS." CIENTOLOGY CONTINUES ITS QUEST TO CONTROL ITS DOMINION with a letter sent to free press activists at Wikileaks threatening legal action if secret documents detailing the cult's "belief in an evil galactic overlord" named Xenu are not removed from the web. But Wikileaks has snubbed its nose at the threat from the religion-cum-cult.
Okay, the leopard-printed belt was a mistake, and the pants may be some kind of fashion faux pas, but Crabby wouldn't know. In my view, high wastes are far and away a better option than letting love handles spill over lowriders.
And in these days when you have to choose between eating and being cool, Crabby always opts for the chow.
In Crabbytown, aging is not a sin for which one must perform 10 Hail Marys and 3 hour workouts as penance, but rather an inevitable fact of life. God help all those fading stars in Hollywood's vast firmament now subjected to the "Memba hims?" on
But...do you notice how wide Jessica's smile is? She doesn't seem so unhappy performing her honky tonk on the road. Crabby wonders whether it's possible that she even might be happier?
That's what a study done by the makers of Special K suggests: that women who wear size 12s (Size 14 in the UK) are the happiest with their lives and looks.
Read the full post here.
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Posted January 31, 2009
AMERICANA
Barack Obama Is For Sale: Check Out These Websites
I watched C-Span's coverage of the Whistle Stop Train Tour to Washington, D.C., whispered a "Happy Birthday'' to my astrological sister Michelle, and prayed that the goodwill inspired by Obama will last beyond the first 100 days.
He'll be our Rock Star President, a political celebrity engendering slavish support from adoring fans. He's sleek and smart and even hipper than President Elvis. Of course, everyone wants a piece of him.
Alas, not everybody's lucky enough to get a golden ticket to the Inaugural Ball. So we'll have to buy our piece of history.
Fortunately, souvenirs of the inauguration of America's first black president and 44th president are in ample supply. So here for your shopping ease are some websites from which you can purchase commemorative stamps, plates, coins -- anything to let you own a little bit of "Our Rock, Barack."
Crabby has discriminating taste, so for me the only choice is the HOPE poster created by Shepard Fairey, and now part of the permanent collection of the National Portrait Gallery. Amazon has numerous available from private sellers ranging in price from $1.99 to $14.95.
QVC is offering a variety of items to commemorate President Obama's taking office. Opt for the Commemorative Cover w/3 Stamps and 1/20/09 D.C. Postmark, yours for just $24.99, plus $3.97 shipping and handling.
There's also the Barack Obama Framed Ltd. Edition Inauguration Speech With Photo, with the introductory price of $75.48 (or yours for just $83 on QVC).
And my favorite --- the Commemorative Barack Obama 50" x 60" Cotton Throw, an essential for those who want to feel the safety of Barack's warm embrace. QVC's Price: $41.00.
The nation's most valuable network C-Span is selling video hightlights of inaugural events. It's a steal at $12.95; order your copy now! Or for just $19.95 you can order a two-disc CD set that includes inaugural highlights along with Obama's greatest speeches.
Read about more Obama commemorative products here!
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Posted January 19, 2009
SPACE LITTER
Sky Mall: The Fix For Strapped-In Shop-A-Holics
A
I had the pleasure this year of window-shopping during a long, sweaty return flight from Florida in order to distract me from my biohazardous brother as he fought the good fight with strep throat.
As my brother whined and wheezed, I flipped through the pages and encountered products that can only be construed as breakthrough genius....or a waste of Earth's resources. You decide.
GARAGE PARKING STOPS
Oooohhh, hey, they comes in sets of two!. This way I’ll know that I didn’t run over the cat – without even having to get out of the car to check! $19.99
DRINK EASE
I’ve tried these “no hangover” pills before without success. Maybe it’s because I drink way too damn much, but I’d like to think it’s because these things are just scraps from the floor of the Mentos factory. $11.85
MASSAGING HEATED BED REST
This is for the person who reads, eats, watches television, writes letters, cries, keeps a journal, essentially does everything in bed -- except have sex. $125.00
GORILLAPOD
Unleash the inner MySpace slut in your preteen with this hands-free, latches-onto-anything camera pod! "Made up of over 30 fully articulating ball-and-socket joints, and supports compact cameras to video camcorders"! $21.99 - $49.99
FLAIR HAIR VISOR
I know what you’re thinking. Is that…can it be…? Yes. That is douche-y, Gotti- kid hair GLUED into the visor. And the worst part is that there’s a version for kids too. $24.99
FOREST FACES
A sort-of modern totem pole for the crazed sports fan. Or maybe just a substitute for leaving your mark by pissing. Available with baseball and football team logos. These are freaky. Do not buy them. $19.99.
PORTABLE DESK
Ever wonder what kind of asshole your co-worker must be to email you at 11:45PM on Saturday about some inane thing you can totally wait until Monday to deal with? He’s the same asshole that will buy the Portable Desk. Look at that smug bastard. I just wanna hit him. $39.99
NIGHT SWEAT ALARM
HEY YOU! YOU’RE SWEATING. Just an FYI. Yeah, that’s all this thing does –- wakes you up when you sweat. I don’t know about you, but usually, once my face or body is dripping, it’s because I got the fuck out of bed and went into the shower to cool off. A whopping $139.99
All jokes aside, there are some cool things in the catalog, like…well, there’s nothing in there that I’d buy. Or give as gifts. Or purchase in an ironic manner for friends. But somebody must buy this stuff, right?
Miz J, who works in advertising, has tons of opinions and a big mouth to broadcast them across the globe; however, the Internet saves her the trouble of yelling. Check out her blog at Miz J.
Posted January 3, 2009
POP PSYCHOLOGY
Is The Idiot Box The Cause Or Symptom of Misery?
T
Talk shows, soap operas,
music videos, video games, porn, fashion shows, movies -- all are designed with
the express purpose of attracting people who have nothing better to
do.
So it’s no surprise that unhappy people glue themselves to the television 30
percent more than happy people, according to John Robinson of The University of
Maryland, who authored the study published in the journal Social Indicators
Research.
The findings were culled from the survey of nearly
30,000 American adults conducted between 1975 and 2006 as part of the University
of Chicago’s General Social Survey.
Researchers found that happy individuals were more socially active, attended
more religious services, voted more and read newspapers more frequently than their
less-chipper counterparts. But they didn’t solve the “chicken-versus egg”
debate: Does the box make people unhappier, or do unhappier just tune in more?
Here’s another study idea for you, Professor Robinson: Why don’t you check
the correlation of IQ to hours of television watched?
The box promotes a fugue state that is neither restful, nor exertive. It’s
just vegetative, and in this relaxed state your mind is open to any suggestion being fed to it. That’s where the phrase “idiot box”
originates, according to the journal of “Crabby.”
And what about the geography of those TV watchers? I’ll gamble where
you live has as much to do with your happiness than your viewing habits. If you
have no place to go, TV’s your inevitable best friend. Unless, of course,
you’re willing to attend the church in the neighborhood.
My conclusion: Voters, churchgoers, and newspaper readers are looking for the
same thing that the chubby, zit faced teen watching porn on
the spice channel: something to fill the void in their lives. They just leave the house to do it.
Thystle Blum lives in the south suburbs of Chicago, and hopes to one day rid the world of the evil of religion.Permalink
Posted December 17, 2008
POP CULTURE
Hot Or Not? Who Cares? He Does. Or Maybe Not.
A
Seems some enterprising psychologists used stats collected over at Hot Or Not to confirm – big surprise! – that even men with ugly mugs think they have a chance with super models.
"Men might as well reach for the stars," said Harvard University psychologist William Pollack of the study reported recently in Psychological Science.
Using data from more than 16,000 people collected over 10 days in 2005, researchers
concluded that unattractive men were far more likely to hit on women out of their league than women were inclined to do the same.
“Men were less likely than women to think that their own lack of attractiveness — based both on a self assessment and the ratings of others — should stand in the way of a date with someone "hot," is how one MSNBC article summed up the study.
The study generated the usual reactive blather about women -- required to invest more time and energy into offspring -- have a biological imperative to be selective. "Women are the ones who are going to have the baby. They need to be a little more picky," said Pollack.
And the men? Picky? HA! That is to laugh.
The men in the study requested a whopping 240 percent more dates than the women.
So what did we really learn? Not that men aim high, but aim at anything. Which inevitably means they're going to shoot an awful lot of backfires and blanks.
But then, we already knew that too.
Anna Apocalypse, who blogs at Pop Apocalypse.Blogspot.com, will comment periodically at CrabbyGolightly.com on music and other pop matters. Permalink
Posted September 16, 2008
SCIENCE/FICTION
Monster Mania! 'Big Foot' Promoters Promise To Unveil Mythical Creature's DNA, Pictures
Bigfoot, a hairy ape-like hominoid whose very existence is questioned by cryptozoologists, has been seen most frequently in the Northwest U.S. and Canada. The creature was most recently spotted in Ontario by two women who were berrypicking. The beast, also known as Sasquatch, has been reported in hundreds of sightings worldwide, but Wikipedia says that "most scientific experts on the matter consider the Bigfoot legend to be a combination of folklore and hoaxes."
Now, two Georgia men say they have a corpse of the species in a freezer somewhere near Atlanta. And today, Rick Dyer and Matthew Whitton, who operate a "BigFoot" tours and website at Bigfoottracker.com, will hold a press conference in Palos Altos, Calif., during which they promise to reveal DNA, video clips and photographs of their hairy find. The two contend they found the beast in Georgia's north woods.
"It was very frightening at first," Rick Dyer told The New York Times. “There’s a lot of comment being made that it looks fake, or it looks like a suit. “But these people wasn’t there when I was sweating, pulling this thing through the woods.”
The two Georgians have the backing of Tom Biscardi, founder of the Great American Bigfoot Research Organization. In 2005, Biscardi claimed his group had captured a Bigfoot that weighed over 400 pounds and stood 8-feet tall, but the claim turned out to be a hoax.
Crabby speculates that this latest discovery might have something to do with the million dollar reward offered in June by binocular manufacturer Bushnell and Field & Stream magazine. The two companies offered the joint reward to anyone who can "provide an unaltered photograph/video, verified and substantiated by a panel of scientific experts [including a zoologist and biologist], the evidence required to prove a Sasquatch/Bigfoot/Yeti exists."
But as LiveScience's "bad science columnist" points out, "This is, of course, a marketing promotion and not a genuine search for Bigfoot. There's no way to authenticate a Bigfoot photograph by itself; the image is simply a two-dimensional pattern of pixels. To truly prove a Bigfoot exists, you'd need corroborating hard evidence like a body, teeth, or bones."
Crabby predicts that we will definitively learn one thing today: where we can buy"Bigfoot for President" t-shirts.Permalink
Posted August 15, 2008
SCIENCE/FICTION
Will Earth Become Alien After the Second 'Big Bang'?
The European Organization for Nuclear Research will use the Large Hadron Collider to test the existence of the theoretical Higgs boson, which Wikipedia says “could confirm the predictions and 'missing links' in the Standard Model of physics." A documentary on this “six billion dollar experiment” was produced by the BBC.
Yet scientists calculate there is a 1 in 50 million chance that the experiment could create either a black hole or a new type of matter, "strangelets,” which could destroy our world. Another risk: that the fabric of space could be ripped, creating "a truly cosmic cataclysm.”
Nothing gets the ol' creative juices flowing like the threat of future obliteration! So for your reading pleasure, I’ve imagined several sci-fi possibilities to consider.
Scenario One: Time Travel Becomes Possible
Time travel has been a desire among humans ever since we started making bad decisions back in 10,000 B.C., right up until the production mistake known as 10,000 B.C. From Mark Twain's A Connecticut Yankee in King Arthur's Court to the Back to the Future series to Quantum Leap, humans have expressed fascination with time travel. What would I do if I could go back in time? I would be the man to take a bullet for Phil Hartman, thereby creating a strange paradox where I die and no longer exist in the past or the future. Hence, by not saving Phil, I actually live. Get it? Makes me dizzy just thinking about it.
Scenario Two: We Provoke The Wrath of the Netherworld
Ghostbusters taught me that Bill Murray doesn't like to make money off surefire nostalgia blockbusters. It also taught me that residents of the netherworld are dicks. I mean, between the 100-foot marshmallow monsters and the babynapping -- why would we want to mess with these beasts? Although that Slimer seemed like a pretty hep cat, but I'm sure he smells like the ectoplasm that used to come with action figures. That gunk would get everywhere.
Scenario Three: We Create "A Black Hole"
There's a chance that black holes are only bad in our imaginations. My theory is that black holes are only devastating to matter outside their radius. We'll all be safe if the hole is big enough. Hooray!
Scenario Four: The Fabric Of Space Rips
Might the next Big Blowout be the key to interstellar travel: exploring new galaxies, meeting aliens, America becoming the intergalactic “peacekeeper?” (Is Alpha Centauri on the cosmos’ axis of evil?) Or could it be the opening to alternate dimensions? Which will be your favorite -- the cowboy hat dimension? The everyone-talks-with-a-bad-Christopher Walken impression dimension? Or will it be the dimension in which Al Gore won the 2000 election? The possibilities are endless!
What's my favorite? The one where I'm getting paid for this.
Scenario Five: "Dark Matter" Materializes
The final and most probable outcome is truly exciting: Wikipedia describes dark matter as “matter that does not interact with the electromagnetic force, but whose presence can be inferred from gravitational effects on visible matter.” Is this mystically powerful crap capable of solving all our problems? Could it be the sought-after alternative to oil (hah hah, aren't I topical), to the magic elixir that increases the reproductive rate of penguins? Surely the real ”dark matter” would deliver a bigger payoff than that envisioned in The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: packing peanuts. Do we really need more of those?
Al Perham is a comedy writer who collaborated on "Spend!", which opens August 14 at The Cornservatory Theater in Chicago and runs to September 11. Get information on the show here at Facebook. You can reach Perham at Alpherham.blogspot.com.Permalink
Posted August 14, 2008
POP PSYCHOLOGY
The Definition of Narcissism
Narcissists display "a pervasive pattern" of grandiosity in fantasy and behavior, and usually begins to emerge by early adulthood and presents itself in a variety of symptoms. To achieve this diagnosis, a person presents five or more of the following:
(1) Has a grandiose sense of self-importance (exaggerates achievements and talents, expects to be recognized as superior without commensurate achievements).
(2) Is preoccupied with fantasies of unlimited success, power, brilliance, beauty, or ideal love.
(3) Believes that he or she is "special" and unique and can only be understood by, or should associate with, other special or high-status people or institutions.
(4) Requires excessive admiration.
(5) Has a sense of entitlement--unreasonable expectations of especially favorable treatment or automatic compliance with his or her expectations.
(6) Is interpersonally exploitative--takes advantage of others to achieve his or her own ends.
(7) Lacks empathy: is unwilling to recognize or identify with the feelings and needs of others.
(8) Is often envious of others or believes that others are envious of him or her.
(9) Shows arrogant, haughty behaviors or attitudes.Permalink
Posted August 7, 2008
MONSTER MYSTERY
Hundreds Flood Officials Seeking to Officially Adopt Corpse of "Montauk Monster"
PETA also sent volunteers to pressure local officials to keep scientists away from the freakish corpse of the so-far unidentified rotting beast.
Speculation was rampant that the animal was a government experiment gone wrong. Others theorized that the beast had fallen from the sky, or perhaps had been coughed up from the earth's center where it had been buried by Scientology's evil galactic overlord Xenu 75 million years ago." Still others speculated that the thing was yet another victim of the fiend dumping body parts along Canada's Atlantic Coast.
Island officials reported an uptick in the number of locals doublechecking the credentials of plastic surgeons practicing around the Island.
Kidding! Just kidding! Just had to be a part of the Montauk Monster Mystery.Permalink
Posted August 7, 2008
POP PSYCHOLOGY
The Joke's On You: Recognizing Sarcasm Gives Me The Social Upper Hand
S
The proof is in the parahippocampal gyrus, so says neurophysiologist Katherine Rankin of the University of California, who used an MRI to detect what part of the brain was "turned on" by sarcasm.
As the New York Times put it, "What you may not have realized is that perceiving sarcasm, the smirking put-down that buries its barb by stating the opposite, requires a nifty mental trick that lies at the heart of social relations: figuring out what others are thinking."
This skill of recognition helps us separate danger from safety, enemy from friends -- in short, to survive.
To honor this great scientific discovery, I was going to pay homage to a few moments in my life when sarcasm saved me, but then I got distracted and started watching TV's timeless ode to sarcasm: Seinfeld. The episode was “The Switch,” when George dates a woman he thinks is bulimic and Jerry dates a woman who doesn’t laugh at any of his jokes. Early in the episode, Jerry remarks to Elaine: “I mean, how can I be with someone who doesn’t laugh?!”
Jerry has a point. I can’t imagine being friends with or dating someone that "doesn't get it." I like to think that those of us inclined to be witty and sarcastic are the more successful members of society, able to balance humor and seriousness all in one quick stab of the tongue. And now that I know that every snarky comment is a test, I plan on measuring the efficacy of each parahippocampal gyrus that I encounter. And I'll have the perfect rationalization: I'm just helping the human race to survive.
Anna Apocalypse, who blogs at Pop Apocalypse.Blogspot.com, comments periodically at CrabbyGolightly.com on music and pop culture. Permalink
Posted August 3, 2008
EDUCATION
If This is 'Scientology,' Then Let's Import It To America's Failing Public Schools!
Hailing from the City of Brotherly Love, Crabby takes America's freedom of religion very seriously. If you want to pray to ancient aliens, practice nihilism, worship TV hosts, send money to healers -- Crabby's got your back.
All of which brings us to Will and Jada Pinkett Smith's new private school in La La Land, the New Village Academy, which critics are fingering as a Scientology front.
The Los Angeles Times quotes the school's administrator as saying, yes, some Scientologists do work at the school, but so do Catholics, Muslims and Jews. "We are a secular school and just like all nonreligious independent schools, faculty and staff do not promote their own religions at school or pass on the beliefs of their particular faith to children," administrator Jacqueline Olivier said.
But here's where Crabby gets riled. Apparently the school is using Scientology lingo called "study technology,'' which apparently strikes terror in the hearts and minds of U.S. educators. Which seems sad to Crabby because, as reported in the Times' and Wikipedia, "study technology" sounds like a fantastic and logical approach to learning.
I'm all for debunking myths, lies, and cults, but when someone, anyone, advises that students ought to know the words they read, learn by doing, and master one level of a subject before advancing to the next, I'd hail them as an educational genius. And if there is "no reputable educator" who endorses such approach, then does that not explain America's epidemic of failing public schools?
Will Smith, actor, rapper, A-lister, suspected closet Scientologist, good luck with your school. But here's one small tip: find someone with educational gravitas to persuade the public that your school's methods make sense. And too bad that only privileged kids who attend expensive private schools are expected to master such standards. Permalink
Posted July 1, 2008
AS MICKEY D'S GOES...
A Sign Of The Times? McDonald's Promotes Going 'Latte'
I've been thinking about that scene during this most recent presidential campaign, in which everybody feels they need to "take sides." Who knew that having a successful black candidate would bring out such vitriol from both blacks and whites. Just stop by any comment section on the campaign at AOL, Newsweek or The Huffington Post and you'll get a heaping serving of mistrust, suspicious, anger and outright racism. The fingerpointing is endless and tiring and, yes, sometimes even justified. But wouldn't it be nice if it would all just go away? Wouldn't it be nice if we could all just get along?
So here's a proposal: the only way to rid ourselves of racism is to promote interracial marriage. I'm thinking this is the wave of the future. And here's my proof: McDonald's likes the idea too. Because in a billboard not too far from my home promoting iced lattes, the fast-food monster with the megamillions advertising budget subtly suggests that we all would be beautiful if we mixed vanilla and coco. (And Asian and Hispanic. Everybody is invited into the mix!)
The billboard shows a cup of iced latte and hints at its origins: "If vanilla and coffee had a baby in Antarctica." Meaning mixing vanilla and cocoa would create this creamy caramel color, which Crabby thinks is actually so much better than the gray imagined in "The Lathe." And, speaking literally and generally, aren't biracial babies some of the most beautiful babies in the world? (Yes, we know, every baby is figuratively beautiful; but let me make my point.)
Shiloh Jolie-Pitt's got nothing over Tiger Woods' gorgeous toddler Sam. Ditto Suri Cruise. 
And in my own family, one of the best looking offspring is a biracial nephew who is gorgeous, whipsmart and witty. (Russell, when are you getting your butt to college?) And, by the way, aren't Barack Obama and Tiger Woods both ideal and timely poster boys for the practice?
As McDonald's goes, so goes a nation. Would McDonald's playfully allude to biracialism if the's time had not come? Doubt it. If this is what it'll take to eliminate racism, I say let's dive in those muddy waters, even if we can't foresee all the consequences. We are all in dire need of drastic change. And after we fix the racism bugaboo, we'll have to figure out how to eliminate that other pesky problem called sexism.Permalink
Posted June 19, 2008
A REAL BUGGER
Constituents for 'Kids In the Hall' Short Identified!
So here's a man who admits he's had 1,000 lovers of all shapes and sizes -- each made with steel, leather and vinyl.
"I'm a romantic,'' explains Edward Smith, 57, of somewhere in Washington state. "I write poetry about cars, I sing to them and talk to them just like a girlfriend. I know what's in my heart and I have no desire to change."
"I'm not sick,'' he adds, "and I don't want to hurt anyone, cars are just my preference." And, yes, there is a name for Mr. Smith's lust: mechaphilia. So little is known about it that not even Wikipedia has an entry on it!
So who are we to point an unpolished finger at Mr. Smith? Call him miscreant, deviant, depraved? Not Crabby! That would be insensitive. Interestingly, the comedy troupe The Kids In The Hall seems to knows a thing or two about car fucking.
As one metal-mad mechanic in TKITH says, "Why do you think God put a brain in man's head? So he could think about fucking cars!" When Crabby first saw this video, she felt really old. Not the men in drag, not the riff on menstrual cycles, not the cliched greasy mechanics provoked even one tiny twitter. NOW I GET IT (though still not laughing). Doesn't context mean everything in comedy?
"Mr. Smith" has lived with his secret long enough. Now he has finally found his support group to help him live with dignity. Permalink
Posted May 26, 2008
WE ARE NOT ALONE
Catholics Can Finally Sleep Soundly Knowing Believing In Aliens Isn't A Sin
"How can we rule out that life may have developed elsewhere?" said The Rev. Jose Gabriel Funes, the Jesuit director of the Vatican Observatory. "Just as we consider earthly creatures as 'a brother,' and 'sister,' why should we not talk about an 'extraterrestrial brother'? It would still be part of creation."
Funes said that such a notion "doesn't contradict our faith" because aliens would still be God's creatures. Ruling out the existence of aliens would be like "putting limits" on God's creative freedom, he said. What's happening here? Is the Church trying to draw from the ranks of Scientologists?
But even more groundshaking is his comment that the Bible "is not a science book." He said the Big Bang theory is the most "reasonable" explanation for how God created of the universe. Whoaa buddy! Have you informed the Pope of this heresy your spreading? And if the church is broadening its interpretation of the Book, it needs to get busy spreading that word to a whole lot of righteous followers tsk-tsking those who don't take it literally.
That the church is giving license to Catholics to think for themselves on the alien issue could cause all sorts of problems for it in the future: Doesn't this risk having Catholics learn to think for themselves in other, more personally relevant topics, like birth control and abortion? If so, it would be a welcome change. Now if we can only get members of the Church of Oprah to think for themselves.Permalink
Posted May 15, 2008
EINSTEIN WAFFLES
Losing My Religion: Albert Einstein Revealed As Atheist?
So an agnostic like me relied heavily on the bon mots about God from Albert Einstein, the only human ever designated as Time's "Person of the Century." His epochal E = mc2 explains all of earth's energy. (Full disclosure: Crabby knows nothing of physics except what Wiki tells her.) While wrestling with my own doubts, it was reassuring to know that Einstein, a man with the insight to read nature's algorithms, was credited with saying that God does not play dice with the universe.
There it is, on page 386 of Walter Isaacson's Einstein, (Simon & Schuster, 2007) in an answer to the question "Do you believe in God?," the reknown scientist answers: "I'm not an atheist. The problem involved is too vast for our limited minds. We are in the position of a little child entering a huge library filled with books in many languages. The child knows someone must have written those books. It does not know how. ...That, it seems to me, is the attitude of even the most intelligent human being toward God. We see the universe marvelously arranged and obeying certain laws but only dimly understand these laws."
So what to make of the revelation that Einstein called religion a "childish superstition" in a letter to be auctioned off tomorrow in London?
According to the Guardian, "Einstein penned the letter on January 3, 1954 to the philosopher Eric Gutkind who had sent him a copy of his book Choose Life: The Biblical Call to Revolt. The letter went on public sale a year later and has remained in private hands ever since." In it Einstein writes, "The word god is for me nothing more than the expression and product of human weaknesses, the Bible a collection of honourable, but still primitive legends which are nevertheless pretty childish. No interpretation no matter how subtle can (for me) change this."
He also delivered some disappointing words for the Bible's chosen people:
"For me the Jewish religion like all others is an incarnation of the most childish superstitions. And the Jewish people to whom I gladly belong and with whose mentality I have a deep affinity have no different quality for me than all other people."
"He's fairly unequivocal as to what he's saying,'' said Rupert Powell, the Bloomsbury Auctions managing director. "There's no beating about the bush."
But we can be sure that the words of an auctioneer will not be the last on Einstein's religiosity. As John Brooke of Oxford University told the Guardian, "Like other great scientists he does not fit the boxes in which popular polemicists like to pigeonhole him. ...[W]hat he understood by religion was something far more subtle than what is usually meant by the word in popular discussion."
And so it goes. Einstein's beliefs remain a mystery even when we have his own words to contemplate. The riddle remains. My torment does not abate. Permalink
Posted May 14, 2008
BIG BOX MEDICINE
Wal-mart Brings 'Always The Low Price' To Generic Drugs
While academics and journalists have feverishly documented the deleterious effects of having Wal-mart come to town, Crabby has always been in awe of the bath towels and lead-laden children's toys that could be had for just a few dollars! By golly, the businessman down Main Street might be going out of business, but poor folk in town could never afford to shop in his hardware anyway.
So now comes news that Wal-mart has expanded its discounted prescription drug program to provide up to 350 generic meds at $10 for a 90-day supply! The company also added several women's medications to its list of $9 prescriptons, including drugs to treat breast cancer and hormone deficiency.
The expansion aims to help customers at a time of exorbitant health-care costs and difficult economic times while further boosting the ranking of Sam Walton's heirs on the list of America's richest. "It offers the customers significant savings,'' the spokesman said. "It also offers us the ability to add capacity to our pharmacies without adding people." More profit without having to provide those pesky and expensive benefits! Can't you hear Bush and his cronies cheering, 'Yee-ha! Go Wal-mart! Go Wal-mart! Go Wal-mart!'
Crabby welcomes Wal-mart's foray into cheap drugs, as long as none of them are made at the same China factor that the blood thinner Heparin was made. Frankly, she's waiting for the Wal-mart cancer centers to open. Because she knows that even though some patients might have to die in order to maximize the big box's scaled economy, think of the competitive pressure on your local health care provider. Capitalist America is at its best when we're wringing razor-thin profits from macro economies.
The federal government could learn something from those simple folks down in Arkansas. For Wal-Mart is the paradox that citizens require big government to be: Both giver and taker, daddy and mommy, all rolled into one big single-payer provider.Permalink
Posted May 6, 2008
DECONSTRUCTING BARBIE
That Vixen Barbie Is Threatening Islamic Standards, Faces Deportation Or Beheading (Little Do They Know That's What Routinely Happens in America)
Prosecutor General Ghorban Ali Dori Najafabadi sent a letter to Vice President Parviz Davoudi declaring that the toys were threatening the country's moral standards. "The displays of personalities such as Barbie, Batman, Spiderman and Harry Potter ... as well as the irregular importation of unsanctioned computer games and movies, are all warning bells to the officials in the cultural arena," Najafabadi's letter said. He went on to say that the "personality and identity of the new generation and our children, as a result of unrestricted importation of toys, has been put at risk and caused irreparable damages."
As Barbie goes, so goes a nation? Is there really a threat that Muslim women will now shed their burkas or hijabs to reveal unnaturally high arches and missing peeholes. And if that were possible, wouldn't that be more "sex safe" than the real equipment?
To be honest, Crabby isn't a big fan of Barbie herself. She's always preferred Barbie's less glamorous younger sister Skipper, foretelling just how big of a square she would be. (Crabby, that is, not Skipper.) And there's no doubt that one of our biggest exports is sex; aren't we the best at recognizing the commercial possibilities of anything? So I say to Iran: Good luck in your jihad against Barbie, whom I agree is one trashy sorority sister.
But here's my thought: Why not create a whole new fashion toy industry making Barbie burkas? Turbans for Spidey? And you can tie tiny carpets together for Harry Potter's faux magic carpet rides. That might be your best hope against the Western tsunami soon to flood your world. Believe me, you have my sympathies.Permalink
Posted April 28, 2008
THIS JOKE IS CRIMINAL
Curses! Sorcerers' 'Shrinking Penises' Cause Men to Flee With Cupped Crotches
In breaking news from Congo, police have detained 13 "sorcerers" accused of using magic to steal or shrink men's penises.
""It's real,'' Alain Kalala, 29, told Reuters. "...We saw. What was left was tiny." Crabby is shuddering.
Reports of "penis theft began circulating" last week in the Congo capital of Kinshasa. At least 14 "victims" have told police that sorcerers touched them to "make their genitals shrink or disappear" in efforts to extort money for a cure. The rumor has threatened an outbreak of violence.
"I'm tempted to say it's one huge joke," said Jean-Dieudonne Oleko, Kinshasa's police chief. "But when you try to tell the victims that their penises are still there, they tell you that it's become tiny or that they've become impotent. ...I tell them, 'How do you know if you haven't gone home and tried it?'"
Police have round up the accused sorcerers and victims to avoid the type of bloodshed that broke out in Ghana a decade ago, when "penis snatchers" were beaten to death by angry mobs.
Hunger? Corruption? Crime? Ho-hum news from Africa. But threaten to shrink a man's penis and the Western world takes notice.
Crabby wonders if this trick would work in the U.S. using miniature fabric dolls and stick pins. Perhaps then we could neuter violent offenders, sociopaths and run-of-the-mill cads with a touch. We could call it the "shrinking cure." Permalink
Posted April 24, 2008
TIME FOR YOUR PILL
At Last, 'Bitter' Has Its HeyDay
Crabby, a bitter, native Pennsylvanian, suspects that those who are betting on a KO will lose: I'm waging Billary wins with an 8 to 12 percent margin. But I'll happily eat crow if I'm wrong; crow is a constant on the bitter's menu.
Because 'bitter' is the name of today's game, Crabby has scoured the web looking for all things jaded to entertain the hard-hearted. Here's a sampling of misery to keep you company until the primary results are in.
Bitter Voters For Barack Obama. They are not angry at Obama for pointing his finger at the problem; they are angry at the world, or maybe just Hillary. Even has a "voices of the bitter" link.
Bitter Americans. Great header with the tagline: "Damn right I'm bitter." Who knew that Obama was tapping into a special interest?
Dear Bitter Guy. Advice for the love-lorn from "Mr. Bitter Guy" who promises to "solve your relationship problems & life's anxieties." Just don't take his advice.
bitterwaitress. The head server here swears she only blogs for the free chow. Can you imagine how bitter she must be after nearly 10 years of kvetching about bad tippers? Gives me the chills just thinking about it. (By the way, congrats!)
Bitter Old Maid In Brooklyn. Her motto? "Sweet is a treat, but bitter is better." She invites all comers to "share the bile!"
Bitter Tonic. Promises "comedy, satire, humor, funny videos and other ways to dull the pain." Apply the salve!
Old Bitter Balls. Only for the most bitter among us. Joyfully dark, sour, nasty, gross, probably should avoid at all cost. Blogger describes himself as "vile," advises wearing "depends when reading." Click at your own risk. I'm probably going to spend time in purgatory just listing this site to satify my ''bitter'' urges.
The Bitterest Pill. Okay, this guy Dan Klass is really pathetic. Describes himself as "failed actor/former comedian/shut-in." Can't win at Chutes & Ladders! Cheer him up with a visit.
Bitter Bierce. Suffering from "early-onset curmudgeon." He can't be all bad: his favorite music includes the likes of Duke Ellington and Van Morrison. Perhaps merely depressive?
Bitter Cup of Joe. Seems more like "Forlorn in the Kitchen," but what do I know?
The Bitter Stickgirl. It's a dram-edy in cartoon. Go figure.
Bitter Purl. A bitter knitter? Isn't this an oxymoron? Advertises "now with 10 percent more bitterness." So sad.
The Bitter Blog. How anyone who claims to have never had a pimple can be bitter, I'll never know. I guess bitter comes in a shapes and sizes!
Bitter Betty Blogs. She's the crafty type; don't buy into her "bitter" hype.
I Pretty Much Hate Everything. Self-proclaimed misanthrope, but don't believe a word of it. Her optimism is palpable through the moniter.
Bittersweet Me. Touts "dodgy sex and personal anguish found here." Two key ingredients found in bitter.
Bitter Too. Apparently created to capitalize on Obama's verbal miscue. Reading it will convince you that you are already part of the "bitter" vote.
Had enough? Me too. But let's remember: you don't need to hail from Pennsylvania; bitter is a state of mind.Permalink
Posted April 22, 2008
POP CANDY
And Friday's Word Of The Day is "Daft"
The Random House College Dictionary, Revised Edition, defines "daft," adj., as
1. insane; crazy.
2. Simple or foolish.
3. Scot. merry; playful; frolicsome. Derived from the Middle English word 'dafte' meaning uncouth, awkward; earlier meaning; gentle, meek. As compared to "deft," adj., meaning "dexterous; nimble;skillful; clever."
Let's use the word in a sentence, shall we? "I'm sorry it must be said, but George Bush Jr. is daft to think he was worthy of being president." Very good, class.
Some contemporary usages include "Daft Punk," a reference to a post-punk French duo making electronic music for the 21st Century. Initially the techno-pop twosome wore masks or robotic disguises due to shyness, but the practice morphed them into "superheroes" for their human fans.
The band inspired "Daft Bodies", a YouTube sensation (activate above button) showing two boxed-headed nymphettes dancing to the techno-pop's song, "Harder, Better, Faster, Stronger." And, frankly, the shameful excuse for this post. There are other notable
YouTube tributes to the techno-popsters, but no peers in Crabby's judgment.
How do I know this? I rely on those crazy kids over at Hey, Be Us! to keep me informed, who when not posting on the web are helping to eradicate racism in the world. Check them out!Permalink
Posted April 18, 2008
BIG BROTHER
Once A Suspect, Always a Suspect: Feds Plan to Take DNA From Detained Foreigners, Americans
Using authority given by Congress, the FBI plans to collect DNA from detained foreigners, as well as any American connected to a federal crime, whether or not they have been charged. The practice alarms civil libertarians who see the move as further encroachment on our civil rights under the current political regime.
Current policy allows DNA collection through a cheek swab only from convicted felons.
The policy builds on the practice of 13 states who already collect DNA from those arrested and then turn over the data to the federal government, according to the Washington Post. "Innocent people don't belong in a so-called criminal database," Tania Simoncelli, science adviser for the American Civil Liberties Union, told the Post. "We're crossing a line." The
Associated Press reported Wednesday that "the new regulation would mean that the federal government could store DNA samples of people who are not guilty of any crime," said Jesselyn McCurdy of the ACLU. The new rule does not allow samples to be taken from legal immigrants or those being processed for admission unless arrested.
Of course, Crabby thinks that the entire notion of privacy is quaint in the age of the Internet, genetics testing, wireless technology and satellites. For chrissakes, Google Map is capturing people's pets in their windows and showing closeups of homes, prompting at least one couple to sue claiming their privacy was violated. In the lawsuit filed earlier this month, a Pennsylvania couple say they bought their home in late 2006 partly because of its secluded location marked as a "private road." But surely we can just dismiss them as just some bitter Keystone state kooks?
Whichever Democrat takes the keys from the Court Jester that is George Bush Jr. surely is going to have a lot of cleaning up to do. Let's not forget that the world is still waiting for America to reinstate habeas corpus for persons being held without being charged with a crime. One example of the outrageous practice: AP photographer Bilal Hussein, a Pulitzer-Prize winning newsman, was released by the U.S. military Wednesday after spending two years in an Iraqi jail despite never having been charged with a crime.
Such is the Amerika of the 21st Century. We are losing friends around the world, and January 20th cannot come soon enough. Permalink
Posted April 17, 2008
POP SCIENCE
Scientists Confirm It: Angelina Jolie is a Trollop
In an apparently poorly designed study to ascertain who's in the mood for love versus who's just randy, social scientists in the U.K. concluded like poets and playboys that the answer is in the eyes.
In the study reported by Reuters, scientists at three U.K. universities said women believed ready for a roll in the sack were considered more attractive by men. And men with strong jaws, larger noses and smaller eyes were perceived as more lustful and less suitable for marriage than men with softer features.
Randy women on the other hand, according to Reuters, "tended to have wide eyes and large lips, such as the actress Angelina Jolie." But Ang is in good company: the New York Daily News tags Lindsay Lohan and Charlize Theron with eyes that invite casual sex. I'm sure if I kept looking someone would have fingered Britney for having slutty eyes. Whatever.
It's not quite clear if the scientists themselves concluded that Ang and Lindsay and Charlize were apt examples of the sexually ready female. For that answer we'd have to get the recent issue of the journal, "Evolution and Human Behavior," which reports on the study of 700 "heterosexuals."
One part of the study found that "72 percent of the 153 participants correctly identified the sexual attitues of a group of men and women in their 20s after being shown photographs of facial images." We presume those stats are straight from a release because every article says the same thing. Why no mention of the results involving the 547 other subjects?
And though every report is accompanied by photos of subjects alleging to display sexual readiness or the love state, it seems obvious the comparisons are between the same person. Which begs this question: How did the "scientists" provoke love or lust on their subjects' faces? Did they show them dirty pictures of naked people entwined in a love match? Did they show them photos of average Joes and Jolines, followed by beauties and ask: who would you rather screw?
Look closely at the photos provided, and you can see the eyes of subjects in lustful states are more focused, alert and shiny. That's my conclusion, as well as this: news reporting has gone to pot.Permalink
Posted April 10, 2008
SPILLED SECRETS
Wikileaks's Truthseekers In Cahoots with Scientology's "Evil Galatic Overlord" Xenu
Wikileaks, truth-seekers whose mission is to publish evidence of illegal or compromising behavior by governments and industries, says it posted the aggrieving documents last month. Included in them are "typed as well as hand-written pages by the cult founder, the late science fiction writer and con-man L. Ron Hubbard," as well as the group's "bibles" revealing the secret layers of Scientology and its "operating thetans," whatever they are.
According to Wikileaks, "the public is usually introduced to the cult through its "free stress test" stalls, L. Ron Hubbard's 1950's pseudo-science book "Dianetics", or fronts such as Narconon, Criminon or the Citizens Commission on Human Rights. Cult members are normally thoroughly indoctrinated before they are introduced to the higher "bibles"...which describe all human problems as having being caused by an evil galactic overlord, Xenu, 75 million years ago."
According to Wikipedia, Xenu is the "alien ruler of the "Galactic Confederacy" who 75 million years ago brought brought billions of people to Earth in spacecraft resembling Douglas DC-8 airliners, stacked them around volcanoes and blew them up with hydrogen bombs. Their souls then clustered together, stuck to the bodies of the living and continue to do this today. Hubbard called these clustered spirits "Body Thetans," and advanced-level Scientologists place considerable emphasis on isolating these alien souls and neutralizing their ill effects."
I guess we can presume that the souls over at Wikileaks are the alien souls that must be neutralized due to their ill effects. But they've got plenty of company in their battle against Scientology here and here, or as BuzzFeed likes to say, something to do with "Nick Denton's balls."Permalink
Posted April 7, 2008
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