OPRAH
Avenging Oprah's Gonna Be Anngrrry!!!! Gonna Have to Spank Holocaust's Dark 'Angel' Live On TV!
TOP IN THE NAME OF PROFIT, Penguin Group, and think twice about cancelling Herman Rosenblat's historical fiction Angel at the Fence: The True Story of a Love that Survived.
Poor Mr. Rosenblat. Not only is he a Holocaust survivor but now he must face one of life's most cruel rebukes: that of Oprah Winfrey, who not once, but twice has been duped by publishers whom we can only presume endlessly slavish her with praise and presents.
Wasn't it mere years ago that James Frey's ego got shattered into a million little pieces by the Almighty O, but conveniently only after the New York Times and the Washington Post told her that, ahem, it really was wrong to lie.
So now the jig is up about Mr. Rosenblat's faux death camp romance, during which his future wife surreptitiously fed him apples through a fence. Fast forward to the years after the War when he meets his savior on a blind date! What a story arc!
But here's my suggestion, Penguin Division et. al: Make Rosenblat go on Oprah's show to confess in person. Then she can pull his pants down and spank him LIVE! ON! TV!
Think of the ratings! Think of the publicity! Think of the book's last chapter, which surely isn't written yet!
Or you can just ask Oprah's audience to Skype in his punishment and let the verbal bullets fall where they may.
Because, ultimately, there is always a way to sell your product on the Oprah Winfrey Show.
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Posted December 30, 2008
POLITICAL PAYBACK
Minister Of Divine Vibrations? Speculating on Oprah's Future Role In The White House
S OBAMAMANIA REACHES FEVER PITCH, talk now turns to who will serve in his cabinet. One name on everybody’s list: queen of all media Oprah (sorry, Perez), because she anointed him early as “the one,” risking her brand with the very people who made her one.
Yesterday’s The Daily Beast suggests that Senator Obama create a post specifically for Miss Winfrey. Crabby suggests that it’s always media folk who have probably never watched an hour of Oprah (the one exception being when they appeared), and who have read more of her press releases than her show scripts, who make such suggestions. So, with a special warning to Michelle to keep Her Highness away from the family quarters (because she does not play second fiddle to anyone), Crabby has come up with several potential titles she could wear in the new administration:
Minister of Divine Vibrations -- Devotees of Oprah know that she is gifted with the power of special personal communication from on high. Along the way she has had the help of seers such as Marianne Williamson, Deepak Chopra, James Redfield, Iyanla Vanzant, Gary Zukav, Rhonda Byrne,Eckhart Tolle, Nate Berkus, Bob Greene, and Dr. Phil. As MDV she could be placed in charged of NASA, directing them to listen closely to those parts of heaven from which the latest messages are being signaled.
Chief Stimulant Spending Advisor -- As one of the economic machines that feeds America’s fevered consumerist appetite, let’s put the business titan in charge of advising Americans how they should spend any future stimulant checks. America is in desperate need of an influx of spending, and O could advocate for the purchase of the many luxurious items on her annual “Favorite Things” list. Opraphiles, eager to please and look wealthier beyond their means, will rush out and max out their credit cards to feed their inner hunger while getting the economy chugging again. I can hear Oprah now: CHAAARRRGGGEE IT!
Public Image Director -- This job usually falls to Machiavellian types like Karl Rove, David Axelrod, Lee Atwater, a group that Oprah would fit in nicely. All of them worked their magic as image makers to persuade the public that their man was the man for the job. But Oprah can teach these masters new tricks: she can introduce her ironclad confidentiality agreement to these political operatives, making sure that no insider ever authors a book to challenge the authorized word. Unless, of course, they start a snarky blog and poke good fun!
All of this talk flies out the window in the off-chance that Senator McCain -- who adamantly claimed yesterday that he was "going to win it," -- actually goes all the way. But even then Oprah will win, as she can say, "See? I told you! The Secret really works! Permalink
Posted October 27, 2008
BUSINESS
What's The Poor Mother of A Criminally-Rich Fast Talker To Do? Vote For The 'Vernita Lee Bailout'
EEMS NO ONE IS IMMUNE FROM THIS ECONOMIC DOWNTURN, EVEN 'MOM' TO FORBES' FIRST AFRICAN-AMERICAN WOMAN BILLIONAIRE. (Oh how that three-letter word must make Oprah cringe.)
Poor Vernita Lee. Seems she hasn't been keeping up with her monthly bills, or else famous daughter Oprah Winfrey has stopped sending the checks. Oprah's mom Vernita has been sued because she has stopped making her $2,000 monthly payments to a Milwaukee, WI clothier she owes nearly $156,000.
Smited, Lee countersued last week, claiming that the upscale store was legally bound not to issue her credit as a result of a previous past-due imbroglio between the two parties, according to the Milwaukee Journal Sentinel.
"In 2002, Lee was ordered to pay $35,000 upfront and make monthly payments of $5,000 until another past-due bill of $174,285 was paid, according to court records,'' the paper reported. "As part of the resolution of that case, the court order dismissing the case included the phrase, "Valentina Boutique, Inc., shall not at any time extend further store credit to the Defendant, Vernita Lee."
So what's a poor glutton to do?
We think the right thing is to help the downtrodden -- before they trod on you. Especially if that means helping the woman who begat Oprah, one of the world's most insatiable consumer appetites. Who, in turn, feeds America's consumerist culture, for which publishers and producers of luxe lines fall daily to their knees to give thanks.
So if you have a few dollars to spare, let's all show our appreciation for one of the machines that makes America's mighty engine roar. At this time of national need, let's save Oprah the expense of paying her momma's debt. Let's -- God help us -- carry her weight. To those of you who can, send even a few dollars to help 'Bail Out Oprah's Mom'. You can send your contribution to Valentina, C/O Joseph Niebler, N14W23833 Stone Ridge Drive, Suite 350, Waukesha, WI 53188.
The future president of the USA, whomever he might be, and Oprah, will thank you.Permalink
Posted October 6, 2008
MEOW, MEOW
Cat Fight! Oprah and Michelle Obama Vie To Be Barack's "First Lady"
HIS WEEK'S GLOBE REPORTS THAT WAR, OR THE KIND OF BATTLE FOUGHT BETWEEN TWO WOMEN USING SHARP NAILS AND SARCASTIC SNIPES, HAS BROKEN OUT BETWEEN BARACK'S NUMBER ONE AND NUMBER TWO LADIES. The question: who is number one, and who is number two: Michelle Obama or Oprah?
The Globe reports that Michelle has decreed that Oprah be kept far from her mate, the proof being O's invisibility at the Democratic National Convention. (But that might have been a good thing: Really, who wants to see her cry her eyelashes off?)
But seriously, Michelle keeping Ms. O away is a prudent move to protect her family. After all, there is precedent for what happens when Oprah becomes the commanding third wheel in a relationship. Just ask Gayle King's ex-husband.
But in this case, it's Michelle who's got the prize that Oprah's crushing on: Barack. He's the one thing she can't buy -- yet. And proving she's a smartie, Michelle wants to keep it that way. Everyone knows the titan's got boundary issues: if you want in her world, your kids, family, vacations, birthdays, funerals -- everything including sleep takes a backseat to serving her.
The Globe calls Michelle "controlling," which is laughable when compared to Oprah's iron-hand. But there's an upside to it all: if he can keep peace between Michelle and Oprah, surely Obama can handle unsettled hot spots throughout the rest of the world.
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Posted September 9, 2008
ANOTHER REPRIEVE FOR COWS
Stop The Presses! Lock Your Freezers! Oprah Ends Her 'Vegan' Experiment!
IF YOU ARE AMONG THE SHEEP WHO HAVE CLICKED ON STORIES REGARDING OPRAH SAMPLING A VEGAN DIET FOR THREE WEEKS, CONGRATULATIONS ON BEING PART OF THE PROBLEM.
This is what passes for news? Let me correct you: this is example of the incestuous nepotism that America's corporate media passes for reporting. You are being fooled.
At last count, Oprah has business ties with CBS, ABC, Oxygen, Discovery, the Food channel, Hearst Publishing, the entire publishing industry save Random House (that tie was shattered into a 'Million Little Pieces'). And these are the ones that are obvious. Not to mention the bumps she produces for the tabloids, the celebrity mags and the producers of her "favorite" products.
Now she's expanding her power to the White House and will soon lord over the Lincoln Bedroom. Oprah does little without personal gain. So I congratulate her on risking the wrath of her audience for backing Barack Obama. Let's remind the media to keep an eye out for the deals Mr. Obama will make for her when he grabs the throne.
Whether you think Oprah is "good or diabolically evil," she has every right to pursue any business or personal relationship she likes. It's the media that has the obligation to connect the dots between her relationships. How can they fulfill their duty when they count on her to sell for them? Even the mighty New York Times has fallen victim to her wiles when The Oprah Winfrey Show cunningly renovated a cultural reporter's home. The reporter, Jesse McKinley, was ordered to reimburse the show but was allegedly quoted a price by the show far below the market value of the work. This is the insidious way TOWS works. Curiously, you can't find any mention of this moral lapse in the Times free archives.
Curiouser still is that Mr. McKinley continues to cover Oprah-related matters.
Here's a viewing suggestion for you: go rent Lions for Lambs for a crash course in media manipulation. Pay close attention to the movie's last scene when Iraqi war propaganda ticks by in type while some celebrity's hijinks commands the full screen. Then see if you can continue to read the news with your eyes wide shut after watching the movie. Here's hoping not.Permalink
Posted June 25, 2008
POLITICS
The "O" Team: Oprah as Obama's V.P.
OOOOOHHHHHHH! THAT ORGASMIC CRY COMES FROM THE CHOIR OF 'O' SUPPORTERS -- the messianics who pray at the altars of Barack Obama and Oprah Winfrey. Because the unimaginable can now be imagined: Might the Senator from Illinois choose the Saint from Chicago to be his running mate?
Yes, now is the time for every right-thinking Oprah fan to stand up and demand payback for her support: Hillary be damned! The V.P. slot belongs to Oprah!
Already Oprah's fans have called out to Obama to make her his Secretary of State or his Secretary of Treasurer on the web's best outpost for blather, The Huffington Post. And we know we can find at least one supporter of the idea of her as V.P.: Kansas school teacher Patrick Crowe started a "draft Oprah for president" campaign two years ago only to be served with cease and desist papers by Oprah's lawyers.
But that was two years ago, and we presume that what with her talk show, radio show, African school, magazine, future network and -- albeit -- failed prime-time reality show, the presidency might have been too much for even Oprah to chew, no disrespect implied about her weight.
But the vice-presidency largely bestows a symbolic post on its holder, although according to Wikipedia the post has frequently been used to "launch" presidential bids. We imagine this a way for Oprah to skirt voters' desire for years of public service to constituents, although she can point out that the people vote for her every single day when they watch her show or shell out $5 for her magazine.
And Oprah's got to be on the inside track: her second-best bud, Maria Shriver, is cousin to Caroline Kennedy, who is already on Obama's A-team for selecting a running partner. And the VP slot would be a natural way for the Senator to thank Oprah who expects payback for her support, widely seen as cutting into her daytime ratings. The divine and eternal Ms. O already has sent a reminder to Obama about who he needs to fall to his knees for.
While tongues wag that it's taking too long for "it's all about me" Hillary to bow out, Oprah released a statement advancing her newest trademarked project, the "Happy Dance."® (Uh-oh, Ellen, I smell co-opting going on! She'll do anything for ratings!)
Tireless (self) promoter that she is, Oprah says she's willing to go "door to door" for Obama in the fall, a twofer which will also allow her to help stem her ratings slide. And Michelle says it's okay as long as Oprah is on a different tour bus: With his tall and lanky self, Obama looks like a Stedman stand-in. And if the National Enquirer is to be believed, the two women are already fighting over who really is Barack's "first lady." Permalink
Posted June 6, 2008
POP ART
Irreverent Sculptor Enshrines Oprah's Dead Dogs On Her Faux Head
TIME TO PLAY HAUTE CRITIC!
Let's spend a few minutes contemplating what sculptor-cum-celebrity skewer Daniel Edwards is saying this time: Oprah's gone to the dogs? She's got canines on her mind? She's queen of the bitches? Or that she just bitchin' rules? Don't fuck with her, she'll let the dogs out? Or perhaps she's mere mad hatter's inspiration for the London opening of the movie version of Sex and The City?
Edwards' latest 3D ode to O is subject of "Memories of Sophie and Gracie: A Puppies’ Memorial," which opens May 22 and runs through June 8 at the Leo Kesting Gallery in New York. A reception will be held May 22 from 7 p.m. to 10 p.m.
This is the third time that Edwards, a native of the LaPorte, Ind., where Oprah used to own a spread, has tackled the Divine O in form. He's done an Oprah death mask and the omnipotent "O" as sacred sarcophagus.
"Memories of Sophie and Gracie: A Puppies’ Memorial” is inspired by the Oprah press releases that announced the passing of Gracie, who choked on a ball last year, and the passing of Sophie, who died of kidney disease in March.
“To represent Sophie and Gracie together, joined in Oprah’s memory as they were in life and in Oprah’s heart, the artist depicted them as conjoined at the hip and sharing a common tail,” says gallery's co-director John Leo. “Losing two beloved pets within a year is likely to take its toll on anybody.”
Oprah honored the memory of her two dead dogs in a show on puppy mills last month. But, David Kesting says, "given the natures of the demise of Oprah’s dogs, we feel the horrors of a puppy mill could be inconsequential compared to the poison hazards pets face in the home."
“Sophie’s kidney failure may have resulted from natural causes, but we hope the Puppies’ Memorial will remind everyone that Gracie’s choking could have been prevented,” the press release says.
Not to worry, David. Crabby is sure that the dog walker who gave the offending toy to Gracie is persona non grata in Oprahland and is lucky to have knees.Permalink
Posted May 16, 2008
THE 'O' BRAND
Don't Take It Personally, James: It's The "Business" of Being Oprah
LIFE ON PLANET OPRAH IS LOOKING PRETTY GOOD THIS SWEEPS PERIOD. HILE MANY AMERICANS WHO SNACK ON REALITY TV have only come to know the form since it was added to prime time's menu, savvy couch potatoes recognize that the form has long been a daytime staple. PRAH'S BFF VISITED O'S NEWEST FAN DAVID LETTERMAN last weekend to hawk Oprah's Houlier-Than-Thou Reality TV show, and while there she reminded everyone once again that she and Oprah are definitely, absolutely, positively, however did you get that idea?, no way, not gay lovers. To which Crabby says we believe you, honestly, truly, we do, we wouldn't care anyway, not that there's anything wrong with that. E PRESUME THAT IN HER LAST WILL AND TESTAMENT, OPRAH'S DOG SOPHIE BESTOWED A SMALL FORTUNE TO HER STEPMOM GAYLE KING as only days before the cocker spaniel's recent death Oprah's BFF closed on a swanky $7.1 million Manhattan apartment in the name of "Sophie's Penthouse LLC." MIRACLE COULD HAVE BEEN WITNESSED BY HER FLOCK, BUT INSTEAD OPRAH WINFREY is being sued by an Opraphile who was knocked down by stampeding worshippers at a December, 2006 show. S WE ALL KNOW, THE FUTURE FIRST LADY OF THE LINCOLN BEDROOM has a long reach, so long that she can reach around and pat herself on the back. She does it so often that her arms must be tired, what with the back-patting and carrying the world on her broad shoulders. So when the news broke that the once-and-future big 'O' would produce a show on altruism, didn't we all know that it would really depict Oprah's personal philosophy, solipsism? HE BOYS ON THE BLOGS ARE SUDDENLY EXPRESSING UNEASE AT THE "MASS MESSIANISM,'' as Time's Joe Klein puts it, at the grass roots campaign of Senator Barack Obama's presidential campaign. ELEBRITY GOSSIPS ARE BETTING THAT
AMERICA'S FIRST LADY OF TV, OPRAH, won't cotton to the "Oprah Sarcophagus" created by artist Daniel Edwards, a native of LaPorte, Indiana, where the Big "O" once owned property.
But Crabby thinks they underestimate the world's favorite faux goddess's smug delight at being
compared to a deity. On the contrary, I think it won't be long before Edwards is invited on The
Oprah Winfrey Show to discuss the social significance of his sculptures depicting celebrities or their poop
in bronze. Among his creations: A sculpture of Britney Spears in labor, a "bust" of Hillary
Clinton, and a dead Paris Hilton as public service announcement. There's also the
highly-anticipated form
of Kentucky Derby winner Barbaro dead on his back, hooves pointing skyward to the heavens,
which is scheduled for its public unveiling in New York in April. JOY. SOMETHING TO LOOK FORWARD TO: MORE CONTROL FOR THE WORLD'S MOST BELOVED CONTROL FREAK. Discovery announced that it was handing over
creative control of its Discovery Health Network to
Oprah Winfrey, who will share equal ownership of the network. By the end of 2009, an estimated 70 million Americans will have the chance to buy-in to Oprah's
best-life living blah blah (note: I stole the blah blah directly from Christopher Hitchens!) with the help of acolytes Nate Berkus, Gayle King and Bob Greene. No word yet if Dr. Phil's show
will also move to the network of his TV mentor. (We're taking bets not!) This is yet another dream come true of Oprah's with her telling reporters that she happened to find her 1992 diary
and specifically its May 24th entry: "I wrote that when I was going through the conflict of the Jerry Springers and everybody was going to trash TV, and I was trying to figure out for myself
what I really wanted, in what direction I wanted to go," Winfrey told reporters. "That's how I started thinking one day I'm going to have my own network so I can do it the way I want
to do it." Here's a hint to Oprah's intimates: when she dies, be sure to get your hards on those journals because they'll be worth loads what with all the fortune-telling that goes on in them.
And correct me if I'm wrong, but didn't her days of wallowing in TV's sleaze predate Jerry's?
A cautionary note to Discovery: Are you buying into the Oprah "brand" past its half-life? Oprah competitor Ellen DeGeneres
just bumped Oprah from her perch atop the list of most popular
American celebrities. Winfrey had reigned at the top of the Harris Poll for the previous five consecutive years. And on an
AOL poll asking readers if an "OWN" or Oprah Winfrey Network appealed
to them, 78 percent of respondents had voted no.
And once again switching our attention to Britney, America's most annoying celebrity Rosie O'Donnell has joined the Britney Celebrity Defense League. The dethroned "Queen of Nice" has
written a sympathetic poem on her blog about sad little Brit. "A Disney set is not a childhood, no matter how many bright colors they use, or how cheerful the script,'' Rosie writes.
"Not a girl, barely even a woman yet, they chased her. A mob of stalkers for whom no stalking laws have been written. Smother. Crush. Flash. Photo Credit. Even Dr. "Get Real" Phil got
in on the action. Unreal. 83 million albums sold so far. How many pictures? The tunnel is crowded now. There are only inches of separation between vulnerability and disaster."
It's funny how Crabby likes Rosie so much more now that she has ditched that day-time talk show game.
First "endurance artist" David Blaine breaks a world record on O's show. He held his breath in a water-filled sphere for 17 minutes and 4 seconds, breaking the previous record of 16 minutes and 32 seconds, set Feb. 10 by Switzerland's Peter Colat, according to the Associated Press.
Then the Divine Miss O wooed Scientologist A-lister Tom Cruise back on her couch. What went unnoticed by the media is that, this time, the mountain went to Moses, or in this case, one of Scientology's highest Operating Thetans. I didn't catch what Tom was selling but be sure he wasn't just there to make nice-nice.
Such is the dance of dependence between Hollywood and America's number one marketer, The Oprah Winfrey show. Cruise's appearance also allowed Oprah to practice her future permanent gig: that of celebrity interviewer, taking the place of Baaba Walters when she retires from ABC.
And, speaking of Baaba, she sold herself a couple thousand books by revealing an extramarital affair with -- shocking! -- former moderate Republican U.S. Senator Edward Brooke on yet another of O's sweep show.
All this and May has only begun! Kudos to the Grand Wizard of multimedia!
Yet, getting far less play by America's corporate media, is a story in the new Vanity Fair which adds yet another chapter to the sordid tale of James Frey, the pariahic neo-memoirist of "Million Little Pieces."
Frey and his editor, Nan Talese, claim they were lured with lies into doing the second TOWS show during which Oprah gave her famous dressing-down by telling them the show's topic was on "Truth in America.'' Which would have been a dead giveaway to this former TV producer, but maybe not to Frey: after all, hadn't Oprah mightily defended him on Larry King? It was mere weeks earlier when Oprah told Larry King Live that the revelation that his book was primarily fiction "seem[ed] to be much ado about nothing."
It was only after the New York Times' Frank Rich and the Washington Post's Richard Cohen took the Wizard to task for her indifference to truth that she backtracked and stabbed Frey with her tongue.
Frey claims that after the verbal lashing, Oprah told him, "I know it was rough, but it's just business." Oprah indignantly denies the claim, saying, "In 22 years of doing this show, I have never said to anyone, 'I know it was rough, but it's just business. This was beyond business. This was about the trust I share with the audience who faithfully supports the Book Club and buys the books I recommend."
Surely there is some irony in that statement? When the O show sent out press releases after Tiger Woods called himself a "Cablanasian" on her show, was that about her audience, or business? When Oprah gave away new cars, surely that's more about the "business" of being omnipotent than promoting Pontiac's new G-6 midsize 2005 sports sedan? When she says it's all for her audience, she sounds a little bit like Barack Obama saying, "We are the ones we've been waiting for." But really, Oprah, the talk show, radio show, magazine, network -- they're not about the "audience"; they're about power and money.
Connecting the dots has long fallen off the agenda of America's corporate media who find the payoffs of synergy more rewarding. For instance, no media outlet I know of investigated further the
Oprah, of course, professes to have been indignant about the deception. But I don't buy it: this is a woman who rewrites headlines in her magazine. As one anonymous source told the New York Post's Keith J. Kelley in 2000 that "Oprah is very much in control" of the editorial content of her mag. Does that sound like someone who delegates?
But in that golden-rule way, the final word is yet to be written: Kitty Kelley, celeb biographer of "poison pen" fame, is under contract to write a tell-all on Oprah. Kelley's publisher is Crown, an imprint of Random House, as is the Talese's publisher Doubleday. The announcement of Kelley's contract came not long after Oprah's public flogging of Frey. Payback can be a bitch.Permalink
Posted May 1, 2008
VULTURE
Can We Finally Take His License To Practice Faux Medicine Away?
W
Crabby had her own foray in talk TV, and toward the end of my stint, I worried that we'd soon be recording murder. That's because every "next show" had to evoke more shock, awe, sorrow, shame, joy or delight than the last one. The environment was 24/7 of fever-pitch for more, better, faster. And if you didn't deliver, well then, you failed. Because the viewers -- and the staff -- had already heard the one about the dog who saved his master from the fire, or about the grandfather who took snapshots of his grandkid naked, or the couples' swapping partners, or mothers who trashed their newborns. And so you better have something even more incredulous today than you did yesterday.
So it seems a little disingenuous that Dr. Phil has suddenly been fingered as sleazeball? Have you people been snoozing? Perhaps the latest brouhaha is because Phil McGraw's recent misstep comes so soon after his violating Britney Spears' privacy had left scolds agog: Someone from his vile show bailed out the 17-year-old ringleader in an attack on a teenage girl, apparently with the intent of securing the accused as a show guest.
Show spokeswoman Terri Corigliano is quoted as saying, "We have helped guests and potential guests in the past when they need financial assistance to come on the show — assisting with clothing allowance, lost wages, accommodations, travel and necessities. In this case, certain staff members went beyond our guidelines." Yeah, but someone told this dough-boy to, and the secret was out when he made his "exclusive" claim to 17-year old Mercades Nichols before TMZ cameras. And now gossips wonder if McGraw's latest lapse in judgment may have doomed his show.
I'm sorry but I'm confused: I thought capitalizing on people's pathos (Search "Dr. Phil" in file) is what talk shows did every day for fun and profit. Isn't that how Oprah became a billionaire?
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Posted April 14, 2008
THE PRUDENT CHOICE
The Point Is, Gayle, You and Oprah May As Well Get the "Benefits"
O
But the point is, Gayle, in case you haven't figured this out, there is not a man in the world who is going to get involved with you since Oprah has outmanned most men in the ego and earning departments (and that's a compliment!). And Gayle, well, we just can't imagine there's anyone who you are more interested in spending time with. You already admitted that if Oprah were a man that you would marry her. And why not? The alpha male always provides, and few men can provide better than Oprah. Remember when your ex-husband blamed your divorce on Oprah? That was way back in 1993, and only more of the same ($$$$, gifts, fame, power, glory, sainthood) has occurred since then. Of course, we know that you say your ex cheated on you, but that's what men do when they feel abandoned and kicked to the curb. And let's be honest, what other man can offer you a private airplane, $7 million condos, and a private audience with Nelson Mandela, the Queen of England, or the Pope if so desired. (And let's be real: nobody wants the Pope's company.) But Tina Turner, yes, Maya Angelou, maybe, Tiger Woods, yes! yes!!, Beyonce, an orgasmic yes!, Barack Obama, ...100 percent yes! But can Michelle be off fundraising somewhere else?
Bottom line: you may as well go for the benefits. You're not going to see a hard one any time soon. That is, until you divorce Oprah. And why bother when you can buy the best motorized help in the world. Permalink
Posted April 8, 2008
PRESENT IN THE SKY
Sophie's Final Gift: A Penthouse for Oprah's "Best Friend"
W
We're guessing that Sophie thought of the gift as a little something that Gayle could call her own; after all, it must be hard keeping the perpetual smile's paint fresh when you're best friends with the world's most entitled woman. How do you stay on her good side but by pretending all the time? Can you tell your rich BFF that she's having a bad hair day, her skirt's too tight, her breath stinks? After all, this is not a relationship based on parity. Sophie probably wanted to buy Gayle a little freedom to call her own, let her drop her game face some times.
Wags reported last week that a deed was filed in New York citing "Sophie's Penthouse LLC" as the owner of the 57th Street penthouse. The gossip site TMZ, has posted the document in its entirety here, showing that the contract for the three bedroom spread was signed in California last October 3rd and closed on March 10th. TMZ also has the floor plan of the 2,530 square foot, 36th floor unit for those with spatial skills who want a looksie. And Crabby has found the incorporation papers of Sophie's Penthouse LLC filed in -- big surprise -- Delaware's division of corporations. Delaware is every CEO's favorite state because of the friendly environment it provides corporate entities registered in the state, among them requiring neither owners nor operators to be identified in public records.
Sophie, a black cocker spaniel who died of kidney failure, is one of the only celeb pets to have gotten its own obituary in the news media. This much attention hasn't been paid to the death of a celeb's pet since George Clooney's pig Max died. But we can all feel better that Gayle and Oprah will be a little closer to Sophie in that penthouse in the sky.Permalink
Posted March 30, 2008
MISSED OPPORTUNITY
Oprah Misses Chance to Demonstrate "Healing Hands," Gets Sued Instead
A
Orit Greenberg of Illinois is seeking $50,00 in damages after she allegedly was pushed down a flight of stairs by zealous fans who were told to sit wherever they wanted in the studio audience. As a result, Greenberg claims she received "severe and permanent" injuries and contends the crowd was not properly controlled by Harpo Studios staff. One would think that Oprah would have simply walked over, laid her hands on the slumped fan and healed her with her magical touch. Such a lost opportunity for America's demigod. Surely the talk show know-it-all will silently cut Greenberg a check for the amount she's requesting - $50,000 -- which is a pittance of Oprah's worth. Forbes estimates Winfrey brings in $260 million annually, which means that her wealth ticks upward $24,680 every hour she breathes. The production company declined to comment on Greenberg's allegations.
And more bad news for Harpo but new opportunity for the public to see what goes on behind the Harpo curtain: Darlene Tracy, a Massachusettes mother of four, claims that the Oprah Show stole an idea she pitched to the show's executive produce, Ellen Rakieten, entitled The Philanthropist.“I am the architect of that show and its framework has been stolen,” Tracy told the Boston Herald. Tracy claims the show contacted her for more information but then brushed her off saying they would use their own ideas. Fast-forward three years later and Winfrey is now airing a twisted version of altruism on a sponsor-ladened surreality TV show called The Big Give. Can't wait to see how this sideshow ends.Permalink
Posted March 24, 2008
A GIFT TO THE PEOPLE
Oprah's Big Pat-On-Her-Back
A
Fast forward to air time when the reviews have been anything but charitable. The news agency Reuters reports that the show has "nary a single genuine giving moment" in its debut. The reviewer sums up the first hour as "a profoundly hyperkinetic and unwieldy adventure in product placement, in Oprah-as-Messiah hype and, ultimately, in what's so utterly fake and insidious about "reality" television itself." And Newsday calls it part of reality TV's trend toward "pathos on parade."
"You can watch, and feel sympathy for the real problems portrayed, and feel warmed by their being somewhat alleviated, yet still feel unsettled by their manipulation into some slick kind of strategy game,” writes Diane Werts. Strategic manipulation. Yup, that sounds like the Oprah I know.
The premise is that 10 people compete to see who can most improve the hardluck lives of their assigned charges. The contestant who's able to pull their projects farthest up the ladder gets to win -- ssshhh -- a million dollars! What the Big Give does is show prime time audiences the often simplistic thinking and materialistic motivations of Oprah's fanbase. Wheeee! We get to get free stuff, if we just love Oprah enough. That lesson has not been lost on name brand manufacturers, who donate anything from cars to bras to hear their products' names spill from the Queen's lips. (Sorry, Aretha.) Seems the "holier-than-thou" brand might prove not quite ready for prime time.Permalink
Posted February 29, 2008
COME ALL YE FAITHFUL
Oprahama: Does It Take One Messiah To Make Another?
T
Vanity Fair's James Wolcott noted last week that he finds "himself increasingly wary of and resistant to the salvational fervor of the Obama campaign, the idealistic zeal divorced from any particular policy or cause and chariot-driven by pure euphoria." On his blog Political Punch, Jake Tapper, ABC's heartthrob for political junkies, expresses his own reserve and links to commentary with the headline "Obama is not Jesus,'' as well as a Sacramento Bee story on efforts by the Obama campaign to have supporters tell their personal stories of how they "came to Obama" in 30 seconds. "Work on that, refine that, say it in the mirror,'' Obama organizer Kim Mack told volunteers.
Joe Klein wrote in Time, "There was something just a wee bit creepy about the mass messianism — "We are the ones we've been waiting for" — of the Super Tuesday speech and the recent turn of the Obama campaign. "This time can be different because this campaign for the presidency of the United States of America is different. It's different not because of me. It's different because of you." That is not just maddeningly vague but also disingenuous: the campaign is entirely about Obama and his ability to inspire. Rather than focusing on any specific issue or cause — other than an amorphous desire for change — the message is becoming dangerously self-referential. The Obama campaign all too often is about how wonderful the Obama campaign is."
Klein notes later in the piece "that there is an odd, anachronistic formality to Obama's stump speech: it is always the same."
Hmmmm. Is there something ringingly familiar here to cultural observers? It seems Obama's been getting lessons in crowd control from The First Lady of TV, Oprah Winfrey, one of his not-so-secret weapons in his battle for the White House. Any close observer of Oprah recognizes the same pattern of repetition that both Obama and Oprah use in their prepared banter, the same emphasis on ''you." A quick look at Oprah's website will give a brief lesson on the technique. The link to "Celebrate You!" says, "Discover, embrace and nurture yourself...celebrate and honor you". The link to "Breathing Space'' says, "From dazzling ocean sunsets to arid desert landscapes, these view images show what inspire you". Italics not added by Crabby. The result is to feed America's cult of narcissism, which ultimately rewards its breeders.
The Senator lives just a few miles south of America's cultural deity and admits that he stays in close touch with the media maven. "I’ve been in contact with her consistently,” Mr. Obama told the New York Times, “and she’s open to helping out in any ways that she can.” And while Oprah has more money than most, her greenbacks look like everybody else's. But few if anybody has more expertise in that most modern method of manipulation, TV, and performing for an audience with the help of the teleprompter.
What everybody conveniently forgets about Oprah is that she's an actress. And I wonder: has the Big 'O' been giving the smaller 'O' lessons? If so, I'm worried. Maybe that's why we're still waiting to see the substance behind his words.Permalink
Posted February 10, 2008
PAY HOMAGE
Coming Soon Underneath Harpo Studio Chairs: The Miniature Oprah
Deity
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Some observers think Edwards' "Sarcophagus" bears little likeness to the flesh and blood O, but
in my opinion the mold eerily captures her godlike countenance, and I'm predicting that the
barely human side of O will agree. In fact, I'll bet you that Harpo's next big distribution deal
provides for 18 inch replicas of the statue, made with tiny alarms inside set to ring moments
before TOWS appears on local televisions, but with just enough time for viewers to genuflect
toward the screen in a moment of silence. I can picture it now: Surprise! Everybody in the
studio audience gets to take home a miniature version of their false idol. Just look under your
seat for the prize.Permalink
Posted January 31, 2008
GORGING ON 'O'
Soon: All Oprah's 'Best Life Blah Blah,' All The Time
'O'Permalink
Posted January 16, 2008
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