IS JERSEY SHORE MEATBALL SNOOKI PREGNANT OR DID SHE EAT A PICKLE?
Star magazine reports that the spitfire is expecting after she tweeted she felt sick and was having food cravings. "She is pregnant and has only told her closest friends and some family," an alleged "insider" tells the mag.
Read the full post here.
AS RUMORS GO THIS ONE'S THE MOTHER LODE: JENNIFER ANISTON IS REPORTEDLY PREGNANT. Prepare for the tabloid onslaught.
Everybody's favorite Mrs. Lonelyhearts, always detoured on love's highway, showed up at screening for HBO's Paradise Lost 3: Purgatory with a swollen belly. (And no, it was not the kind you get from being starving thin or suffering a bad case of gas.) For now, at least, Jen appears happily stuck at the hip with beau Justin Theroux whom she started dating last May, even plunking down $21 million for an 8,500-square-foot Mid-Century Modern mansion in Ooh La La Bel-Air, Calif. to reportedly nest with him.
Read the full post here.
DO TWO SEPARATE RUMORS ABOUT GEORGE CLOONEY NOT LIKING ANGELINA JOLIE ADD UP TO ACCURATE?
Gossip Cop reports that Us Weekly is prepping a story claiming Hollywood hearthrob George Clooney doesn't like the lady love of his bro Brad Pitt. Clooney, who bagged a Golden Globes for his performance in Descendants, reportedly thinks Angelina Jolie is "boring and not great company" and "can be mean to people."
Read the full post here.
OK! THEN. MARIAH AND NICK! WE'VE SEEN YOUR NAKED EMBRACE, NOW PUT YOUR CLOTHES BACK ON.
Exhibitionist Mariah Carey goes full frontal on the cover of the downmarket celebrity tabloid OK! as her loving manservant gives hands-on support. The creepy snap is spreading a bad case of viral vomitus.
Read the full post here.
MOLLY HAGERTY BETTER HOPE SHE'S GOT AL GORE'S SPERM SEALED UP IN A PLASTIC BAGGIE.
Hagerty, 54, is the masseuse who accuses the former Vice President of acting like a "sex-crazed poodle" and sexually assaulting her when she was summoned to his Portland, Ore. hotel for a late night massage.
That was in October 2006. But the details of Hagerty's so-called brush with the "big lummox" are only reach the public now. And if her account is true, well, "Call Me Al" Gore is just another leering politician with a sense of omnipotence.
But if Hagerty's account is false?
Read the full post here.
"I AM QUINN'S FATHER," Former presidential candidate John Edwards said today in what is surely one of the most anticlimactic public pronouncements ever made.
Finally, after three years of lying, cheating, denying, conspiring, obfuscating and hiding in hotel bathrooms, Edwards admitted to fathering an illegitimate child who is the spitting image of himself. As if we all didn't know already.
In a written statement to NBC about the daughter he fathered with videographer Rielle Hunter, Edwards said, "I will do everything in my power to provide her with the love and support she deserves…It was wrong for me to ever deny she was my daughter."
The Associated Press reported that Edwards' wife, Elizabeth, who tirelessly avoided the truth about the girl's paternity for two years, said of the revelation: "Our whole family feels relieved."
Last May, Mrs. Edwards told Oprah that she had "no idea" if Frances Quinn Hunter, now 2, was her husband's child. "It doesn't look like my children, but I don't have any idea,'' she said.
The recently published book Game Change quotes Mrs. Edwards as saying of her husband's denial: "I have to believe it. Because if I don't, it means I'm married to a monster."
Read the full post here.
IF YOU HAD ASKED ME WHEN I WAS A WEE BABE IN JOURNALISM'S WOODS WHAT I'D BE DOING IN 2009, THE IDEA THAT I'D BE SNACKING ON TABLOIDS TO UPCHUCK on a blog would be laughably ludicrous.
Fast forward to today and all I got to say is, "HARDEE-HAR-HAR," the joke's on me. Still, I keep laughing!
While Vegas takes a break, it falls to me to cull the weekly tabs for bite-sized news you can spew. And I gotta confess, I bought four of the rags but have yet to make it past this week's (or in actuality, last week's) National Enquirer. The August 17th issue is chock full of sensational charges and claims. To wit:
The Cover: A pic with a red arrow pointing exactly to the spot where Michael Jackson died! Plus! There's the promise of 10 more "crime scene photos" inside, which really just means inside his rented home. (The most shocking revelation?: The King of Pop really could have used an interior designer. ) There's a battle brewing between Walter Cronkite's kids and his girlfriend??? A report that Rosie & Kelli split, and if you need their last names you shouldn't be reading this. And yet more about how Dr. Phil "sexually attacked!" a former patient. Shall we turn the page?
Read the full post here.
UH-OH, OK! GAWKER CAUGHT YOU!
This week's OK! cover of a svelte Jessica Simpson jogging off the 224 pounds of football player she's been desperately clinging to for months is apparently a con job!
The cover snap is actually a photo from 2007 and the "before" photo is from earlier this year!
Shame on you OK for holding Jessica Simpson up to…her…own standards? I mean it's obviously a ploy to sell more magazines, but hey, this is what Jessica Simpson has looked liked and could look like again.
She's famous for that look in the purple T-shirt and it's just bad for the morale of the country when Jess packs on the pounds.
So I'm glad to hear, as OK reports, she has cleared out her fridge and started working out again. Get back into fighting shape and totally turn this into your "Britney Moment!"
You know, that's when your life falls apart all over the tabloid covers and then you miraculously pull yourself up by your Jimmy Choo straps and start smelling like a daisy.
Jess should probably see it as thinspiration then that both of her ex-boyfriends are dating girls who are practically younger versions of herself.
Read the full post here.
WELL PRAISE THE LORD AND PASS THE PEANUTS, WE'VE FINALLY GOT SOME CELEBRITIES STEPPING IT UP to get back in the tabloids.
The reign of reality show non-celebs and the endless, morbid Michael Jackson coverage may finally be drawing to a close.
Mischa Barton deserves special thanks for her complete meltdown earlier this month that landed her in the psych ward and gave all of the tabloids something to talk about besides the mess that is Jon and Kate Gosslin.
According to Us Magazine, the failure of her latest film Homecoming sent Misha into a downward spiral of self pity and out-of-control drug use.
While her rep denies reports of a three-day cocaine binge, that's what all the tabloids are alleging. Her puffy-faced pics with the story don't necessarily jive with her coke-head image but it definitely indicates that she's been over-indulging in something. She's come a long way from the freshfaced beauty who won everyone over in the O.C. And her extended stay in Thalians Mental Health Center has put her upcoming role in the new TV show, The Beautiful Life in jeopardy.
The National Enquirer reports that show producer Ashton Kutcher and his wife Demi Moore want to try and save Mischa with the power of Kabbalah.
According to the Enquirer, Ashton hand-picked Barton for the role in which she will play a washed up, aging super model. ("Aging?" She's not even thirty!) So he feels some responsibility towards her and to the studio for her promise of work.
Props to Emma Watson who, at the age of 19, is finally growing out of the awkward Hermione Granger nerd phase and has strut her stuff on recent red carpets looking like a smokin' hot movie star.
OK! and Us both feature two pages of photos of Emma rockin' some high end designer gear and making her Harry Potter co-star Rupert Grint look like a total dirt bag. (Jeez, Rup, get it together.) Or in Dan Radcliffe's case like a sodding fop.
Read the full post here.
WTF! WITH VEGAS AWAY, PRESUMABLY LOSING AT CRAPS, Crabby was forced to consume the news tabs. Vegas, don't you ever go away again, okay? Because I got an education I never wanted.
The tab titles may change but the storylines often remain the same: This week Jessica Simpson joins Jennifer Aniston as “victim of love.”
Poor Jessica! Sidelined by footballer Tony Romo on the eve of her birthday. I guess he didn't want to play Ken to her Barbie at Jess' birthday party with the iconic plastic couple as the theme. All the tabs report that Jess was hectoring Romo for a wedding band, and we all know it's a fatal mistake to nag before you've traded vows.
Read the full post here.
OKAY CATS AND KITTENS, HERE'S A QUICK RUNDOWN OF THIS WEEK'S TABLOID HEADLINES. Sorry it's not longer but I'm outta here for a few days. I travel. So what? I'm a popular girl!
This week the National Enquirer has the un-shocking and unflattering photos of Fat Kirstie Alley. The headline says that she collapsed because of her weight but there's no collapse in the story. That doesn't make her less fat though. She is uncomfortably large, especially in comparison to her "then" photo in which she looks more like Renee Russo than even her Cheers-y glamorous self. Personally, I prefer my Kirstie Alley in Vulcan ears but that's probably just me.
So, the lady likes to eat. Big deal. Well, BIG deal is more like it. Here are the foods mentioned as some of Alley's favorites:
* Sticky buns;
* Cheesecake;
* Pan-fried noodles;
* Orange chicken;
* Fried rice;
* Potato chips;
* Hostess cupcakes.
Mmmmmh is anyone else hungry? So now she's fat AND sad, but still really funny, even at her own expense. Isn't there a role for the funny, fat friend that Queen Latifa or Frangela hasn't taken yet?
On the other end of the body issue spectrum we have Stephanie Pratt on the cover of US. She claims that being on The Hills made her bulimic. That's sorta funny because watching The Hills makes me vomit! Stars, they really are just like us!
Read the full post here.
OH IT IS ON, PEOPLE. THIS WEEK IS ALL ABOUT THE FEUDS. What would Hollywood be without all of the infighting and the stabbing in the back with stiletto heels?
The Queen of Celebrity Feuds Angelina Jolie kicks off the cavalcade with the ongoing angst in her relationship with Brad Pitt. It's the same old story in InTouch. They're fighting over his renewed attentions to ex-wife Jennifer Aniston, and he may or may not have permanently moved out of their shared New York home. She looks stressed out and tired. He's been enjoying himself just a little too much while in Los Angeles prepping to film a new movie yadda, yadda, yadda. Who the hell knows with these two? People magazine is reporting that rumors of their impending split may be seriously blown out of proportion.
And in "Other Hot Celebrities vs. Angelina" news, Megan Fox is the new thorn in her side. Having just reached her 34th birthday, Jolie's star seems to be fading while Megan's career is white hot with the soon-to-be released presumed summer blockbuster, Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen.
Read the full post here.
WHAT THE HELL? I GO AWAY FOR A WEEK and all hell breaks loose! Both the National Enquirer and InTouch are reporting splitsville for Brangelina.
Although both reps for the couple -- and other tabloids -- deny the rumors, the Enquirer seems preeeeettty sure that after five years and six kids the hottest couple on the planet are done.
InTouch even reports that they have been separately seeking advice from divorce attorneys --and the two aren't even married! The hyphenated couple doesn't usually respond to such rumors, which have been swirling for years, so issuing a statement something must be up, right? Is this going to turn out to be like celebrity baby rumors? Denied until the bulge is unavoidable and then splattered all over the press? (See Jennifer Hudson as an example. Or, you know, any of Angie's previous births.)
The Enquirer says the couple will lead separate lives over the summer, with Brad filming movies and Angie hanging with the kids in France.(What rotten luck summering in France.)
And then, once the kids are acclimated to the idea, they will announce their separation. I'm skeptical. Sure, the Enquirer has a good track record for breaking these sorts of stories, but Brad and Angie seemed awfully lovey-dovey in Cannes. And though everyone works overtime painting Angelina as an uber-jealous shrew, I can't really see her worrying about the attentions of Diane Kruger.
Read the full post here.
DIGGING DEEP INTO THE TABLOIDS EVERY WEEK PREPARES YOU FOR A certain amount of WTF stories.
Celebrities either do a lot of whack shit or the magazines fabricate a lot of whack shit out of photos and "anonymous source" quotes. Whichever way you want to look at it. There are varying degrees of WTF to be had.
The National Enquirer makes most of its money on WTF stories. This week it's a celluloid closet bombshell. Did you guys know Merv Griffin was gay?! And that he had a relationship with Liberace?! AND they had big, gay orgies? Dude! The NE doesn't actually say who wrote this shocking new biography of Merv but they also claim he slept with James Dean, Marlon Brando and a bunch of other actors your grandmother probably swooned over in her youth. WTF?!
Read the full post here.
OH. MY. GOD. TALK ABOUT MEDIA OVERSATURATION!
Jon & Kate are EVERYWHERE this week! Where the hell did these people come from anyway?
First they had some kids, then they had a cable reality show and now they have book deals and tabloid scandals.
From what I can tell they really haven't done anything special besides produce an unnecessary number of children and then cave to media pressure and have their marriage spiral out of control and straight down the toilet. Hell, I could do that. Someone give ME a reality show. Isn't anyone just content to live their lives anymore?
What is the driving need for national attention that everyone's got going on these days?
Who knew back when most celebrities were clamoring for us to respect their private lives and flipping off the paparazzi with wild abandon that there was a little army of average joes waiting to fill the void?
Jon and Kate Gosselin are flag bearers in the ascent of reality (read 'cheap') TV programming.
Their show, Jon & Kate Plus 8 started as a few two-hour specials on Discovery Health in 2006 and became a weekly series on TLC in 2007. Because I don't watch their show, I turned to the Internet for a little more information. According to Wikipedia, the couple were married in 1999 and underwent fertility treatments resulting in twin girls in 2000. Then in 2004, their sextuplets were born, again with the help of fertility treatments. So the show is about parents with eight children. Yawn. It's never sounded exciting or interesting to me so I never watched it. But someone out there must because boy, they are full on in the spotlight now.
Read the full post here.
RELATIONSHIPS ARE HARD ENOUGH FOR US REGULAR FOLKS, deciding who takes out the garbage and how to properly fold bath towels. But none of us plebs have photographers following us on shopping trips the way In Touch followed Reese Witherspoon and Jake Gyllanhaal to the farmer's market in Ojai, Ca. And we don't have buddies who tell tales to tabs.
One of Jake's "longtime pals" told the magazine that the couple has been living together in Reese's farmhouse. Nice job, pal. I'm guessing your invite to their next party is going to get lost in the mail.
Us Weekly followed the couple to his sister Maggie's wedding in Italy. And compliments of the paps, we now have pictures of the celebrity brother of the bride lying on the beach nibbling Reese's ear.
I can't imagine why they try to spend all of their time in a farmhouse far, far away from photographers as possible. If there were people taking pictures of me canoodling every time I left the house I would stay in too. And also to avoid the use of the word canoodling.
Us has also been reporting on Jon & Kate Gosselin's marriage problems. The last name may not be familiar but surely you know Jon & Kate Plus 8. I don't know what they'll call the show if they get divorced, and I'm sure that their notoriety and her book tour are part of what's keeping them together. But this guy seriously is the stupidest man on the planet. You can't have a secret girlfriend when you have cameras following you around everywhere, asshole.
I'm sure their eight children will cherish all of these photos of their dad drunkenly embracing co-eds and videos of him sneaking out of his lover's house which will now forever exist on the internet.
OK! has turned the Vancouver set of New Moon into a scene of drunken debauchery and celebrity romance. The stars they interviewed paint a picture of a family vibe but OK tries to make it sound more like they're kissin' cousins. They are still working the Robert & Kristen sittin' in a tree, k-i-s-s-i-n-g angle from last year. This photo of Pattinson and Stewart on the cover makes them look like the dirtiest people ever. Seriously, if you guys want to do something romantic you should wash each other's hair.
It must be great, though, when a magazine comes to your movie set and all they want to talk about is how hot your costars are and who you're sleeping with. In a separate interview with New Moon co- star Ashley Greene OK doesn't even pretend they care about the production. All of the questions are about how The Sparkly Vampire is dealing with fame and how hot the werewolf boy is now that he works out all of the time.
Obama isn't the only politico getting the paparazzi treatment! The National Enquirer keeps up its Gossip for Grandparents image with a story about former presidential candidate John Edwards' mistress demanding a DNA test on the baby she claims to be his. Classy.
Edwards' overpriced, nice guy haircut hasn't been able to protect him from this scandal and his wife is taking her pain public with a book. I guess this has successfully killed any political ambitions for Edwards. If he follows the guidelines in the 2009 issue of the Disgraced Politicians Handbook he can be on next season's I'm A Celebrity… Get Me Out Of Here!
Everyone's favorite relationship train wreck is still Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt. The Enquirer reports that it is shaping up to be the nastiest split in Hollywood history with six digit settlements and custody battles brewing. While most of the mags are reporting that Brad is tired of the Daddy Daycare routine, The Enquirer reports he will most likely request custody of his biological children. Who needs a divorce lawyer when you can just let the tabloids sort is all out for you?
Of course, In Touch's cover story this week is about how Brad and Jen Aniston may be rekindling their romance by daring to spend some time talking! There they go again, trying to have private lives when people are paid to stalk their every move. It just can't be done.
I am glad I wasn't housekeeper at their place when Angelina confronted him about this clandestine car ride around Manhattan with his ex-wife.
Reading all of these stories with their anonymous sources and telephoto shots makes Johnny Depp seem like the sensible one. And when the hell has that ever happened? While filming his new movie The Rum Diary in Puerto Rico, Johnny, Vanessa Paradis and their kids are living on a yacht! Talk about privacy, they can just cruise on out of paparazzi range any time they want. You're a wily one Johnny. That's why I like you.
Read the full post here.
EVERYONE KNOWS THAT THE COVER IS WHAT SELLS magazines. Big names = big bucks.
So Oprah on the cover of The National Enquirer this week makes sense. She is the reigning Queen of TV and millions of people (mostly women) snatch up everything associated with The Big O.
And apparently she's really, really big. The National Enquirer says she's hiding a medical emergency from her fans and reveals that experts predict Oprah only has three years to live!(!!!)
Apparently the problem with her thyroid has gotten so out of hand that she needs to have the gland removed in order to control her weight.
Dr. David "Death Calculator" Demko calculated that the talk show hostess will not live to see her 60th birthday if her weight continues to yo-yo, and if she doesn't figure out how to control her cholesterol and blood pressure. Of course, any surgery has its risks and the big risk involved in having your thyroid removed is vocal cord damage.
Now the world loves fat Oprah and the world loves skinny Oprah. And the world would canonize dead Oprah. But what would the world do with mute Oprah? No talk show, no radio show, how can she possibly advise us on how to follow our dreams, read the right books and wear the right clothes if she can't talk?
Read the full post here.
WE'RE WAY PAST PAPARAZZI BURNING FLASHBULBS FOR SNAPS OF CELEBS LIKE Frank, Dino, And Sammy Davis Jr. Now thanks to the weekly tabs we get to know what celebrities eat, what they throw up, which bathroom stall at The Ivy they prefer to snort their drugs in. And, of course, the multitude of ways in which celebs are not living up to their end of the fame-and-fortune bargain.
This week, Star literally lays bare flaws in a six page photos spread of female celebrities caught without their makeup. Unsurprisingly they are, for the most part, still a pretty damn good looking bunch of women.
Miley Cyrus is criticized for leaving her house looking "just as blotchy and unkempt as the average teen girl!" The horror! My God how could a 16-year old girl just leave her house like that, with no makeup on?!?!
And Halle Berry, 42, you should know better! We don't care if you are raising a one year old daughter, we expect you to be shiny and sparkling at all times!
Jennifer Love Hewitt actually looks a little less frumpy without all of the eye makeup and lace gee-gaws on, and Kristin Stewart looks like a burnout. But -- she looks like a really well made-up burnout when she lets a makeup artist do her up.
Jennie Garth and America Ferrera both look a lot younger without all of that crap on their faces. Beyonce? Bitch please. Beyonce's face is doing makeup a favor when she puts it on.
Read the full post here.
SPEND ANY AMOUNT OF TIME READING THE TABLOIDS and you'll begin to notice certain trends. For instance, there's always an odd man out on coverage of big name stories. This week, while OK, Us and Life & Style are reporting on the tizzy Long Island carpool moms are driving themselves into over Brad Pitt dropping his kids off at their tawny North Shore school, Star has a source telling them that no one has ever seen either celebrity parents at the school.
The unnamed informant claims it's always the bodyguards dropping the kids off! (These poor kids are like gypsy vagabonds with money.) The real kicker: that tip's part of a larger story is about Angelina being pregnant AGAIN!
According to Star, Angie feels her sexiest when she's pregnant so she's putting the romance back in their troubled relationship by baking another bun in the sexiest oven on the planet. It makes reading the rags even more interesting when they contradict …
Read the full post here.
AHHHH, SPRING IS IN THE AIR, explaining why bathing suit bodies and baby rumors are flooding the tabloids.
OK! promises
The Truth About Which Stars Are Really Pregnant. The truth is none of them are.
Well, Katie Holmes might be. Her new hair extensions and her dewey, glossy look at the Tokyo premiere of Valkyrie hint that she's expecting.
Staragrees and sites "then" and "now" photos of Katie as evidence.
In a shot taken February 28th she looks gaunt and ill without makeup or her hair styled. Her cheekbones make her look frighteningly like Skeletorand she's got a crazy-old-lady shine in her eyes. But in her March 11th photo in Tokyo she's all done up, rockin' some hot hair extensions so she looks like a normal 30 year old.
That is a rarity for Katie, often photographed looking strung out or dazed, fueling rumors of Scientology "cleansing programs" run amok and earning her the nickname Katie-Bot."
Read the full post here.
WE'RE FEELIN' AN 80s FLASHBACK VIBE HERE at Tabloid Trash Talk.
Some of our favorite stars of that most decadent decade are getting a lot of face time in this week's mags. One of US Weekly's first features is an oversized photo of an oversized Janet Jackson.
Nothing says "The 80s" like Fat Janet. She's been trim and toned down to a superstar sized 120 pounds over the last couple of decades. But she was the chubby, cute girl of rock back in the 80s and now, well they call it a weight battle. But it looks like the battle is over and the weight has won. Even celebrity can't fight middle-age spread.
US also has a totally rad and totally random photo of Sara Gilbert on a play date with her toddler daughter, Sawyer. Being a lesbian mommy must keep her busy, because aside from a couple of guest spots on The Big Bang Theory, we haven't seen her on TV in a while. Maybe it's time to throw Roseanne on the reboot wagon and get Sara and The
First Becky some work.
Kevin Bacon is also in here, looking pretty close to the same age he was when he starred in 1984's Footloose. How does he manage to look so young? I like this music career he's got going on. It makes the Six Degrees of Kevin Bacon game far more interesting. And I'm happy to see that he's still relevant.
Read the full post here.
OK I DON'T GET IT. WHAT THE FUCK IS UP WITH RIHANNA?
I really didn't care about her at all before this whole Ike and Tina act she and Chris Brown have started. But I figured since you're on the cover of every damn magazine in the rack these days I should check out your music. I found a few videos and, you know what? You're pretty but bland and overproduced, and you have that whole Take A Bow song about ditching the cheating bastard and you set fire to his shit and look all tough in your black tank top against a dark background like you're gonna knock someone out.
Remember when you sang, "You look so dumb right now. Standing outside my house. Trying to apologize. …And don't tell me you're sorry cause you're not. Baby when I know you're only sorry you got caught. But you put on quite a show."
But then I turn on the news and you're taking this kind of shit from a punk like Chris Brown? Please.
Read the full post here.
THAT BASTION OF UNVARNISHED JOURNALISM The National Enquirer is still keeping Nadya ''OCTO-MOM'' Suleman in the spotlight.
For lack of any more pertinent information, the Enquirer focuses on speculation that she might, someday, possibly have more children…maybe.
The spat between Nadya and her mother is well publicized and now Angela says she fears the only thing that may stop Nadya from having more children is getting her tubes tied.
The secrecy with which Nadya underwent previous in vitro treatments has Octo-Granny worried that she might someday have more babies on her hands that her daughter is unprepared to take care of.
With a family website up and running for donations, the talk show circuit under her belt and Vivid Entertainment making her $1 million film offers, Nadya's pretty much milked these babies even before getting them home!
Meanwhile, the rest of the world was watching the Oscars. And, while some people think it’s all about the awards, or even the fashions, OK!, US Weekly and Star are in agreement that the 81st Annual Academy Awards was all about Brad Pitt, Angelina Jolie and Jennifer Aniston being in the same camera frame together.
Read the full post here.
T
HIS WEEK'S INSTA-CELEBRITY IS NADYA SULEMAN. Thanks to the buzzworthy birth of her octuplets, she made virtually every weekly rag on the stands, along with every blog and news show.
And if the publicity doesn't pay off -- Suleman now accepts PayPal!
Life & Style starts off the Suleman avalanche with a story on some obvious comparisons between the mother of fourteen and Angelina Jolie, patron saint of underprivileged children.
Physically the two women are similar, and "friends" have told the media that she has had plastic surgery to look more like Angelina. Now she's got Angelina's hair style and the exact same beatific, bubble-lipped smile. She's even had her eyebrows shaped like Angelina's. This all fuels speculation that she's in some sort of psychotic competition with the world's most famous mother.
You can't compete with the type of money Jolie and her partner Brad Pitt have though. While they have the resources to keep their brood in the lap of luxury anywhere they go, Suleman’s kids are crammed into a three-bedroom bungalow in California owned by their grandmother.
Let's do some math shall we?
Read the full post here.
THE MORE THINGS CHANGE, THE more they stay the same in Tabloidland!
OK! Weekly
On The Cover: OK reveals the secrets behind Angelina Jolie's eternal beauty. She's on a diet of new babies!! What a monster!
Inside: Oh, I'm sorry, my mistake; it's a fertility diet. Because she's had so many problems making babies magically appear out of thin air in the past. Speaking of her babies, Maddox is apparently the Charles In Charge of that menagerie and it sounds like only a matter of time before he gets his own style show on E!
Also: Oh Thank you God. Madonna finally let Lourdes get her eyebrows done! The twelve-year-old not only looks a lot like her famous mom but is also dressing more like her these days. I think the reasoning behind all this: The more alike they look the bigger chance people will start mistaking mother for daughter and then The Material Girl should have no problem finding her next middle school date.
Read the full post here.
A SLOW NEWS WEEK IN TABLOID WORLD, FOLKS.
OK! WeeklyOn The Cover: There’s no rest for weary turkey basters! Tom and Katie might be expecting another baby! Again!
Inside, there’s no place more romantic than the European leg of a promotional tour for a failing movie to knock up your wife. If she keeps popping out kids eventually they’ll hit the Scientology triple cherries. Suri's cute and all, but she’s no reincarnation of L. Ron Hubbard.
Jessica Simpson tells the world “If I weren’t Jessica Simpson no one would care” about her weight gain. Well, you are Jessica Simpson and I still don’t care. Hush trolls!
Just in time for the big 4-0 Jennifer Aniston seems to have ditched rocker boyfriend, John Mayer, again. Maybe it’s serious this time; Mayer doesn’t have new quips for the stalkerazzi these days. The guest list for her star-studded birthday party reveals that Jen spends way too much time with married couples. Maybe she and Renee Zellweger should go cougar it up, let David Arquette get some alone time with his wife.
Us Weekly
On The Cover: Secrets of a White House Mom: It’s not delivery, it’s DeGiorno!
Inside: Damn we’ve got a good looking First Family! Continuing their unnecessarily intimate coverage of The Obamas, US interviewed friends and family of the First Lady to get all of the dirt. Except it seems there isn’t any. The family is settling into their posh, new digs and hosted a party for the White House staff. There’s also coverage of the effect the Obama Bump is having on the fashion world. J. Crew is lovin’ it!
Also: Jessica Simpson’s ass proves once again that stars really are "just like us." When you eat chips, guacamole and chicken wings that’s what you’re going to look like in high-waisted jeans. Personally, prefer velour track pants.
Next! John Travolta alerts police to an extortion plot against him in the Bahamas. All we know is there were secret documents being offered in exchange for $25 million. What's in them is anyone's guess. Toupee receipts, more photos of John lip-locking with guy friends. Maps to a hidden Scientology base where they stockpile their WMDs, it could be anything! Except that John wasn't paying up.
Life & Style
On The Cover: Wonder Twin Powers activate! The Jolie-Pitt babies finally see the light of day.
Inside: The Brangelina circus comes to the Tokyo. There’s no story here. Just a photo of two giant-eyed babies strapped to their parents' chests. The only one missing in this picture is Maddox. It’s nice of him to let these other kids get a little spotlight for once.
Also: I tried to read this story about Britney Spears’ fear that K-Fed’s new girlfriend is replacing her in the life of her sons but I was blinded by the monstrosity that is Federline's sumo-sized gut. It looks like he’s wearing a bulletproof fat suit under that tee shirt.
Rumored Whitney Houston boy-toy Ray J. Norwood becomes VH1’s next walking contradiction with his new show For the Love of Ray J.” He says his ideal woman is "classy" but his example is Nicole Scherzinger of the Pussycat Dolls. Somehow I don’t think classy means what he thinks.
National Enquirer
On The Cover: Exploiting the Caylee Anthony story for all it's worth.
Inside: Wow I can’t imagine why a guy whose daughter is accused of murdering her infant daughter and whose family is being dragged through the press wringer might want to commit suicide. Nope, can’t think of one good reason.
Also: The election of Barack Obama has brought its own brand of change to the Demi Moore/Ashton Kutcher household. The couple is rumored to be adopting a baby this summer. Moore’s ovaries must look like the portrait of Dorian Gray but they are crediting the President’s election with their choice of adoption. Does that mean they'll be adding a brown tyke to their family à la Brangelina and Madonna?
The Enquirer all but declares Patrick Swayze dead in their story about his battle with cancer written mostly in the past tense. Sadly, it sounds like he’s not doing too well. It’s never a good sign when someone holes up in a secluded hideaway to write the memoirs, people.
While other magazines are reporting Britney Spears bought her new place to be closer to K-Fed and her sons, NE reports that it’s because the old place was haunted! It doesn’t matter where you run, Brit, you can’t escape the ghost of your career!
Vegas is a gambler who always loses money on craps. She spends her time in Chicago with her husband, two cats and various artistic endeavors which are beginning to take up way too much space in her house and hard drive. She blogs at jensaysanything.blogspot.com.
OH OH OH OH OHHH OOOOBAMA! Who needs Hollywood when there’s a new President to cover? We do! Let’s go to the tabloids!
In Touch Weekly
On the cover, a bland looking Brangelina might be breaking up over a tell-all book. Also, this just in: Michelle Obama is proud of her husband.
Inside, Angie’s former bodyguard is planning to publish an exposé on all of her evil deeds. The details are vague but there’s some stuff we all already knew too: Brad lied about not hooking up until after his divorce from Jen Anniston. Angie likes sex toys and may still like girls! And, you know, other boys. If it actually makes it to publication I’ll pick up a copy to see if any of it is actually salacious. But right now it sounds like regurgitated tabloid fodder.
OMG! Cam and Drew have totally broken up as besties! It’s the age old tale of one dumb girl letting her boyfriend get in the way of a friendship. OK, in this case it’s two dumb girls.
Britney Spears bought her dream home out in Calabasas, Ca. It’s huge and 20 minutes away from where K-Fed is reportedly shacking up with his new lady. Let’s hope she puts a fence around that pool.
Read more Tabloid Trash Talk here.
Vegas is a gambler who always loses money on craps. She spends her time in Chicago with her husband, two cats and various artistic endeavors which are beginning to take up way too much space in her house and hard drive. She blogs at jensaysanything.blogspot.com.
By Vegas
SOME PEOPLE SAY DIVORCE IS A HUMAN TRAGEDY. You know what I say is a human tragedy? Perez Hilton’s book. Let’s go to the tabloids!
In Touch Weekly
On The Cover: "Who’s Had Plastic Surgery.'' It’s not a question. In Touch actually knows! No they don’t. In Touch fails to understand the difference between facial expression and hours in the makeup chair covering wrinkles.
Apparently so does Megan Fox. Insiders report the 22-year-old has already started “preventative” Botox injections.
And speaking of facial expressions: What’s up with this picture of Suri on page 25? It looks like they photoshopped a tired, old lady’s face onto her body. Or maybe she should give up that Scientology baby-formula.
If the meltdown of J-Lo and Marc Anthony’s marriage teaches us anything, it’s that celebrity couples shouldn’t take vacations together. There’s a sidebar story on how long other celebrity couples have stayed together after romantic vacations. (Verdict: Not long.) The Puerto Rican getaway this couple has been on could prove to be The End.
The story about the Travolta family tragedy also doubles as a retrospective of Kelly Preston’s hairstyles. Wait, I think that’s Meg Ryan in one of these photos.
Also, Spencer Pratt didn’t realize weddings need to be legalized. (Lucky for Heidi Montag!) He also believes in Santa Claus.
This is the sort of thing that makes me bow down before my TV set. VH1 will be airing Confessions of a Teen Idol, featuring a bunch of washed up 90s “side kick” actors. This story about meth-faced Jeremy Jackson, a former hottie of Baywatch, asks “Is There A Baywatch Curse?” Yes, it’s called Baywatch.
Read more tabloid trash here!
Vegas is a gambler who always loses money on craps. She spends her time in Chicago with her husband, two cats and various artistic endeavors which are beginning to take up way too much space in her house and hard drive. She blogs at jensaysanything.blogspot.com.
By Vegas
BACK TO WORK, FLACKS!
It's only January 5th and the dream weavers have already been very busy getting their clients -- adults and toddlers alike -- in the tabloids. Or doing a really pissy job of keeping them out!
OK! Weekly
OK's cover screams that doctors warn Angelina Jolie she’ll be risking her life if she gets pregnant again. Angie might have to channel her inner Laura Croft if she and Brad want more biological children. Complications during her previous pregnancies have led doctors, who don’t treat her, to report that she shouldn’t risk having any more kids. Good thing the Third World is so big. There are plenty of babies for this altruistic couple to adopt, though there's no doubt progeny from their gene pool advances evolution.
Also: What the fuck is Alanis Morissette doing in the tabs? Well, isn’t THIS ironic? The feminist icon for every “wommyn” in my sophomore dormitory has finally jumped on the body image crazy train with an interview about dropping 20 pounds.
Hers isn’t the only body OK! is offering up to ogles.
A six page article of nine of 2009’s “Hottest Bodies” puts Britney at #1. Killer abs will get you everywhere! Nicollette Sheridan likes nude housework as a workout. There are some things you just shouldn’t do naked, and vacuuming under the coffee table is definitely one of them.
Star
Nicole Richie is ready for baby No. 2! Nicole and Joel are planning a sibling for little Harlow in 2009. They’re aiming for a big brood and hoping for twins, which run in the Madden family (Joel’s twin, Benji, famously dated Paris Hilton for a hot second.) I think it’s just an excuse for Nicole to launch a new maternity clothing line, because the world needs another unaffordable celebrity clothing label.
Also: It’s The Year of the Baby and Star reports that Lance Armstrong’s “secret” girlfriend and Molly Ringwald are both expecting. Sadly for Lance, Molly is not his secret girlfriend. That would be news.
Read more of this week's tabloid trash talk here.
Vegas is a gambler who always loses money on craps. She spends her time in Chicago with her husband, two cats and various artistic endeavors which are beginning to take up way too much space in her house and hard drive. She blogs at jensaysanything.blogspot.com.
By Vegas
IT'S THE HOLIDAYS, KIDS, AND I AM TOO BLOATED ON RICH FOODS AND CHEAP WINE to really give a figgy pudding about what The Celebrities are up to. Luckily the editors of the tabloid weeklies feel the same way. There’s enough unsubstantiated filler in these mags to stuff a turducken, so here's an abbreviated rundown.
IN TOUCH Weekly
On The Cover: “Katie Looks Pregnant!” Inside, Some random members of the audience of All My Sons tell reporters that Katie looks pregnant. That’s pretty much all they’ve got. There are some fun photos of Katie’s last pregnancy. Oh we all can be sure that the mysterious, disappearing vagaries of the much-rumored baby bump will be recycled in the near-too future again!
Up next: Brad and Angelina are adopting another baby and skipping back to southern France. Everyone is worried that Brad can’t cope with more kids. Maybe all of that room in the French mansion will help.
In Touch reports that Britney secretly suffers stage fright. She’s got anti-anxiety meds to take before performances. Remember this information; it will come in handy later.
And J-Lo is treating herself to retail therapy as reports of her marriage collapsing keep coming. The latest tab is alleged to $95,000, that’s a lot of very shiny, sparkly therapy. But she'd probably get more out of the traditional kind where they make you sit down and face your own shit. Much cheapter too!
And this had me knee-slapping! Tila Tequila calls Natalie Portman her role model. Because, she says (heh heh) Natalie Portman reminds her of herself (Muah ha ha ha ha ha.) Because she has so much class and good breeding. But I guess it'd be redundant to mention the idea of regular therapy for a second time in the same post.
Read the full story here!
Vegas is a gambler who always loses money on craps. She spends her time Chicago with her husband, two cats and various artistic endeavors which are beginning to take up way too much space in her house and hard drive. She blogs at jensaysanything.blogspot.com.
By Vegas
USWEEKLY REVEALS ON THE COVER THAT DJ TANNER, A.K.A. CANDACE CAMERON, has lost weight. Yawn. And no mention of liposuction or plastic surgery whispered. Must be a slow news week.
Inside, we learn that Candace Cameron Bure lives a life of leisure in sunny Florida. I can’t imagine where she finds the time to play tennis, jog along the beach or put together three healthy meals a day for herself. It must be very difficult.
Bonus feature: A two page matching game of “before they were stars” photos and recent pix. None of them are all that difficult. Kelsey Grammer’s chin gives him away, even at age 15.
The “Bust of The Week” is Jason Alexander. No, not George Costanza -- the one with hair. Britney Spears’ first husband, for like fifteen minutes? Yeah, he got popped for a probation violation for failing to complete alcohol education classes after an earlier DUI.
There’s a story about Shania Twain’s “Revenge” on her ex and his mistress. She’s been seeing the mistress’ ex! The most revealing part of this story is that a Canadian, living in Switzerland, has the biggest selling country album of all time. We’ve successfully outsourced country music now too. And we wonder why the economy is in the crapper.
In Touch Weekly
On The Cover: Brad and Angie have “Baby News.” I just don’t think its news when these two produce another child. They’ve already got the Partridge Family beat on size and The Brady Bunch on blending. We should just give them the keys to their own third-world county. Think of all the children they'll save!
Next, side-by-side photos of Britney’s recent concert appearances and the divas she’s been copycatting. A dash of Madonna, a pinch of Celine, equal measures of Beyonce & Janet and shake Xtina to taste. Mmmmmh, that’s good pop tartlet!
More on Shania’s revenge and, looking at these photos, it's clear it was really just a matter of time before Shania and Frédéric Thiébaud realized they were too hot for their SOs. The Gravitational Pull of Hotness took over. It’s physics!
Read the complete post here.
Vegas is a gambler who always loses money on craps. She spends her time Chicago with her husband, two cats and various artistic endeavors which are beginning to take up way too much space in her house and hard drive. She blogs at jensaysanything.blogspot.com.
By Vegas
USWEEKLY CAPITALIZES ON THE NEW MRS. PRATT'S “no drama wedding” drama for the second week straight. The first part of the story is about Heidi’s mom and how her family is coping with what they are calling “the biggest mistake of Heidi’s life.” Way to stay classy Egelhoffs.
There’s a photo spread of Heidi, her mom and her old nose frolicking idyllically and an interview with Darlene Egelhoff. On the one hand, the furious mom is disappointed that she wasn’t involved with planning the wedding. But on the other she’s super pissed it happened at all.
I’m guessing they can get one more cover story out of this by reconciling mother and daughter before the countdown to divorce actually begins. There are rumors about a contract the newlyweds have with US so, who knows?
Read the full post here.
By Vegas
ON US WEEKLY'S COVER, IT'S JEN VS. ANGELINA (AGAIN) AND the sidebar features Reese Witherspoon, feuding manufactured “rock stars” annnnd Brandy, who is apparently a great big liar.
Inside, Us Weekly parties like it’s 2005 with long (read: boring) stories about the Bradgelinaston relationship and Brandy’s fake marriage. "In a main love scene, Brad and Angelina would both wear flesh-colored underwear," a source on the set of Mr. and Mrs. Smith told the mag. "But in the end, she shunned the suit and climbed in bed with him naked! It's the biggest thing we all remember from that film." Oh, that Angelina, she's such a vampire.
UW is definitely on Team Anniston. But does anyone else think John Mayer is starting to look like John Waters with that haircut and mustache?
Brandy lied about marrying her baby’s daddy back in 2002. Now that she’s got a new album coming out she’s ready to exploit her past shame in exchange for a four page spread. Awesome.
There’s a brief story on Reese’s life and she unironically uses the word “Gosh.” ‘Nuff said.
Lastly, they photoshop Michelle Obama’s head onto the bodies of four models to see what sort of dress she should wear to the inauguration. Only one of those models is black sooooo yeah. Good on ya and your race relations, Us Weekly!
STAR WEEKLY
Jen vs. Angelina AND Brad on the cover. Above the masthead are promises of an inside look into Rihanna’s private romance (not so private,) JT and JBeil’s new NYC apartment and Jessica Simpson’s womb. She’s got a bump! It could be a baby! Or some BBQ! Let’s find out!
Inside: Rihanna and Chris Brown; hot, famous, young people in love. On the beach! Eating Popeye’s chicken! Getting tattoos! It’s such a whirlwind, how can we keep up? We can’t. Next?
Brittney dresses her sons in matching outfits. I wonder how long they’ll put up with that. She’s nervous about leaving them to go on tour. I’m sure the rest of the family will take good care of them, like they have been, since they were born.
Six pages of Bradgelinaston coverage in Star! Both Star and Us have a pictorial history of their relationship…mostly the same photos too. For the win, Star has the hot photo of Jen in the red bikini from their trip to Cabo in 2003.
Also in this issue, handbags like my grandma used to carry are totally hot right now. Dear, sweet Grandma, you were so ahead of your time.
NATIONAL ENQUIRER
The cover is busy, busy, busy. Mel Gibson might be divorcing, MK Olsen is gaining weight, Patrick Swayze continues his battle with cancer and they might have found poor Caylee Anthony’s grave.
Inside, Matt Lauer fumes over Meredith Vieira’s marriage crack on the Today Show last week. That’s right bitch, don’t mess with my Matt.
The Jen vs. Angelina fight is actually an Angelina vs. Brad fight according the Enquirer. Whatever, which ever, it’s all the same quotes. This leads me to believe that these folks should reevaluate the relationships they have with their friends. Who the hell are these inside sources?
J.Lo (As TMZ sez, "Memba her?) gets jealous, Julia Roberts surfs, Katie Holmes is tired, and David Spade has a love child…Wait, back up. What? Seriously, what is it with this guy? I don’t see it.
Mel Gibson’s been canoodling, as they say, with some hot Russian chick. This might be the end of his 28-year marriage! For shame! What kind of good Catholic are you Mel? You know, cheaters are responsible for all of the wars in the world.
Finally, Laura Bush is working on a tell-all memoir. Note to Laura: yeah, you know a LOT of people started drinking again after 9/11, cut The Cowboy-in-Chief some slack will ya? And Cindy McCain’s been making out with a used car salesman. Allegedly. That’s just sad. For her. And all of her money.
BONUS COVERAGE!
People named Hugh Jackman as the Sexiest Man Alive and I won’t argue. Inside, 129 other sexy men who smell! Eeeewww!
In some sort of weird marketing scheme, People put scratch-and-sniff patches on a bunch of guys’ photos. Chance Crawford smells like Future Washed Up Actor, Taye Diggs smells spicy (mmmm) and Chris Meloni smells the best of all, sigh. He’s dreamy in that over-wrought authority-figure-gone-awry sort of way.
Michael Phelps smells like actual cologne. Better than chlorine I guess.
I think they should have put scents on all of these guys. You know Robert Downey Jr. and Javier Bardem probably both smell like whiskey, cigarettes and sex.
Vegas is a gambler who always loses money on craps. She spends her time Chicago with her husband, two cats and various artistic endeavors which are beginning to take up way too much space in her house and hard drive.
THE OBAMA FAMILY CONTINUES THEIR REIGN OF SUPREMACY, with the president-elect confessing to Us Weekly that he thinks he's a "pretty cool dad." And the inset is the "Hot Stars" of Twilight. Dear Robert Pattinson, that hair is not "hot."
Yet even sinners have their goods sides, and for me Harvey's good side was on display when gossip's closest thing to gospel, TMZ, broke story after story on Dr. Jan Adams.
TMZ's coverage of the tragic death of Hip-Hop's first momma Donda West has been exceptionally well-done. TMZ was all over the story like blood at a crime scene. (And I mean that in a good way.) Once the news broke that Kanye West's beloved momma died after a marathon session of plastic surgery, TMZ couldn't be stopped and was breaking news all day long about Dr. Adam's personal rap sheet. They dug up previous lawsuits again Mr. Suave for botched plastic surgeries. Pulled him over for his previous DUIS, and also reported that the doctor had a history of being accused of behaving badly in relationships.
Too bad Dr. Adams couldn't "reconstruct" his own personal history. The always dark-humored Philadelphia Daily News said it best with its quip that Donda's death had "gone from sad to creepy to a very special Halloween episode of "Nip/Tuck." How very true.
SEARCH ARCHIVES
SAMPLE CANDIES
BLATHER
CORPORATE MEDIA
ARCHIVES
