IN HONOR OF AN APPEARANCE TONIGHT BY THE ELUSIVE KIM RICHARDS, I plan to recap with a glass or two of box wine. Damn you Andy Cohen for dragging this reunion out for three freakin' weeks. And that's not the wine talking.
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ANDY KICKS OFF THIS SECOND PART OF THE REUNION WITH A REALLY GOOD QUESTION FOR BRANDI: Was it harder getting around Beverly Hills on crutches or getting along with these bitc… ladies? Let's find out.
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ANOTHER REUNION, ANOTHER SEASON DOWN. Andy, the giddy and goofy king, holds court in the middle of a Housewife semicircle. The queens, er…ladies, dressed to the nines, are arrayed on either side of him. They're in another garishly decorated hotel ball/conference room, waiting to rehash all the horrid things they've said behind each other's backs.
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REALLY? A COLONOSCOPY AND A WEDDING? Is this really how you want to end the season?
At casa Vanderpump/Todd, things seem to be humming along but Lisa insists it's a chaotic mess of mass proportions. She's stripping flowers and venting frustration with Ken, who doesn't seem to be helping enough. She frightens him so he runs back to work. Her helping with the flowers must be part of her cost cutting move with wedding planner Kevin.
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THE EXPANSION OF LISA AND KEN'S RESTAURANT SUR is complete. You know what that means. Get your fancy pants on, we're going to a launch party. Gosh, I'm barely recovered from the grueling vacation in Hawaii. Let the air-kissing begin.
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WE WEREN'T FOOLED WHEN BRAVO PRODUCERS tried to make us think Russell did the deed last week by injecting a sudden call from Taylor followed by a double gasp from Lisa and Kyle. Since that drama is still to come there's not much Taylor this week.
We're still in the paradise that is Lanai, Hawaii, where the living is easy. Adrienne and Paul, holding hands, walk along a rusty colored, rocky trail that leads to the edge of a large cliff. They kiss while standing on the tip and both think about how romantic the moment is. Then they talk about weeds and snakes.
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WE LEFT THE LADIES HUDDLED IN THE BACKSEAT OF A LIMO, with Kyle, Adrienne and Lisa trying to convince Russell that Camille was just repeating what Taylor said. He just cannot believe his wife spilled all their marriage beans and insists they were spouting untruths. And Taylor is stunned to find out he's been sending her friends threatening emails. It's going to be an uncomfortable ride home.
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OH, PAUL. He can't work the printer in his office. He's so lovable, look at him.
Anyway, Adrienne comes in and tells him "remember that thing that happened between Camille and Taylor at the tea party, well, Russell didn't like that. He's sent an email to Camille threatening to sue& nbsp;"
"Because she repeated something Taylor said,?" Paul finishes. Even he's learned the party line.
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ON A BRILLIANT SOUTHERN CALIFORNIA DAY, WE JOIN TAYLOR AND LISA while having a lunch and chat on the small patio of Lisa's Villa Blanca. The Beverly Hills restaurant is decorated so pristinely white it's blinding. I would only order white wine for fear of immediately spilling my drink on the linen tablecloth.
Taylor tells Lisa that she was drunk at Brandi's get together and that's why she lashed out at DD. She says it only takes 2 glasses of wine for her to be three sheets to the wind. Right, just like the classic, " only had two beers, officer."
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WE LEFT TAYLOR ARMSTRONG AS SHE WAS HUGGING AND SMILING AT HER HUSBAND, their daughter in her arms, the picture of a classic BH family. We know it doesn't last but can she hold it together this week? Let's find out.
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LISA'S RUNNING LATE. WE SEE HER HURRIEDLY ENTERING HER GREAT MANSION, and almost immediately, Ken and Pandora starts grousing about her tardiness. The wedding planners are here!
For her invitations Pandora finally chose a fancy white fabric box, encircled in thick pink ribbon with a sparkly, diamondy clasp.
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WHE WE LAST VISITED THE LADIES, TAYLOR WAS IN A BAD WAY and sobbing on Lisa's living room couch. She beseeched Lisa to not be her enemy if she couldn't find it in herself to be her friend. Her closest friend, Kyle, took a step back from her. And then Camille outted her as an abused woman. How do you recover from a tea party like that? Let's find out.
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IMAY BE SHOWING MY AGE, BUT WHEN I WAS 11, among kid stars, Kim Richards was the shit.
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WELL HERE'S AN EVENT WE HAVEN'T SEEN since Kennedy's $60,000 4th birthday party. Lisa's having a tea party for the girls. Just because. Don't you have tea parties, just because? Y'all don't? Pity.
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TONIGHT WE FIND OUT WHAT HAPPENS AT THE SOIRÉE DUBBED "Paul's Night of Beauty." We see Kyle being led back to Adrienne's husband Paul's surgical suite. It seems Paul, the facial plastic surgeon, has these nights of fillers and botox every so often so Adrienne's girlfriends can test out the newest in, let's say, "maintenance products." Makes you wonder what kind of parties those rich Beverly Hills gynecologists and proctologists give for their wives' friends.
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COME. LET'S POP SOME BUBBLY in our friend Mohamed's amazing mansion, a place so magnificent it even boggles Lisa's mind. This week we're invited to the engagement party for Lisa's daughter Pandora and her handsome fiance, Jason. Oooo, I can smell the money. Remember to wipe your feet before entering!
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BEFORE WE RESUME WATCHING KIM AND KYLE PECK BRANDI to death with their pointy little noses and their dangerously cutting mouths (yes, I can bully too!), Lisa stops by Adrienne's to give her a cooking lesson.
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WE OPEN IN THE KITCHEN OF LISA'S BREATHTAKING MANSION WHERE she's prepping for a dinner party. After instructing her housekeeper on properly setting the table, she actually cooks something.
I only see two salads, one potato and one green, but she did make them with her own hands. While she cooks Ken putters around with Giggy in his arms. Lisa's dressed in my favorite outfit, jeans and a white shirt, but looks fabuloso.
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WE HEAR LOTS OF CRUNCHING AS KYLE AND TAYLOR, wobbling on their stilettos, visit Dana for lunch.
Kyle is cursing the pebbled path and every homeowner who has one. Dana opens the door in a wedding dress and tiara. Ooh, did we interrupt something?
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RADARONLINE confirms that Bravo will air the counseling sessions of troubled Beverly Hill Housewife Taylor Armstrong and her deceased husband, Russell. The only concession they're making is not airing Russell's private sessions. They will air Taylor's.
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THIS WEEK'S IT'S ONE BIG PROBLEM as Adrienne agonizes over moving her basketball team, and one little problem as Kyle goes bubble-headed over a fundraiser.
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THIS WEEK'S IT'S ONE BIG PROBLEM as Adrienne agonizes over moving her basketball team, and one little problem as Kyle goes bubble-headed over a fundraiser.
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NOW THAT TAYLOR HAS PULLED HERSELF OUT OF THE SUITCASE, LET'S RETURN TO THE DRAMA SURROUNDING Kim's confusion over attending the Sacramento Kings basketball game.
Adrienne and Paul are co-owners of the troubled basketball team, which may be moving to a different city. The couple is now waiting in the private jet, and Kim still sounds like a mess. Once she arrives, she's slurring her words a little bit, and blaming her tardiness on the power going out on her block.
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TAYLOR'S COMING UNDONE BEFORE OUR EYES.
She and Kyle are still having their heart-to-heart in the hot tub outside. Then they climb out and Taylor jumps into Kim's bed and continues to cry. It's clear Taylor has had too much to drink, but it's upsetting to see her like this.
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WE PICK UP WHERE WE LEFT OFF -- WITH Taylor and Kyle luxuriating in the hot tub of stone.
While Camille and the others nap, the chefs cook dinner for the ladies. We see Taylor waking up Kim to moan out her tale of woe. She's drunk and telling Kim how poor she grew up and how scared she is of being poor again. She's the Scarlett O'Hara of the Hills.
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THIS IS WHY I LOVE BRAVO.
In the previouslies, it made sure to show Ken at the dinner party holding Giggy, while the dog drank out of a beautiful, fragile champagne glass. And Ken drinking out of the same glass right after. So, again, I got to see Kim's awesome ugh, ugh, ugh reaction to the sight of it. The sight still makes me gag. But let's move on. Kyle's up first.
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THE SHOW MUST GO ON.
Funereal music plays as the Housewives sans Taylor gather at Adrienne Maloof's mansion. Lisa VanderCamp walks across the street from her mansion, holding hands with husband Ken.
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