WORD ON THE STREET IS THAT THE DIVINE OPRAH has reportedly been chosen to be the godmother of Beyonce and Jay-Z's bundle of joy, baby Blue Ivy Carter. Who knew that the power couple was that close to her? Oh, that's right: the Illuminati is supposed to be a secret.
Update: Oprah's BFF swears her benefactor isn't Blue Ivy's god mom.
Read the full post here.
ROCK, MEET HARD PLACE.
A spy is squealing to Popeater's Rob Shuter that the all-powerful O and her new fiery underling Rosie O'Donnell are feuding over Rosie's new show on OWN.
Read the full post here.
IF PAST IS PROLOGUE, WE'RE NOT OPTIMISTIC THIS NEW RELATIONSHIP WILL END WELL.
Oprah revealed yet another secret on her eponymous TV show today, this time spilling that she has a long-lost second sister named Patricia.
Read the full post here.
IAN HALPERIN, WHERE'S THE REST OF THE STORY?
Famed celebrity reporter Halperin claims that Oprah Winfrey "took the chemical approach" to producing tears when she was interviewed by ABC's Barbara Walters.
Read the full post here.
THE HEADLINED BLARED "A FESTIVAL OF GREED IN THE MIDST OF A SEA OF PAIN AND SUFFERING" AND you could forgive me for thinking it was about Oprah's (never say) final "Favorite Things" show.
Not once, but twice this November sweeps period, television's capitalistic queen showered her audience with gifts such as iPads and diamonds and cashmere and leather -- and even a cruise or a 2012 Volkswagen Beetle -- in a final orgiastic display of consumerism during her 25th and last season on commercial TV.
Read the full post here.
IT COULD BE ME, BUT DOESN'T 24 YEARS SEEM AN ODD NUMBER TO GO GANGBUSTERS OVER?
Doesn't 25 make more sense? To shut down a third of a mile on one of Chicago's main downtown traffic arteries? For nearly three full days? For Oprah to throw her season opener?
On the heels of a political debacle caused by Mayor Richie Rich selling the city's parking meters to a private company that quadrupled rates and issued tickets upon receiving the keys to the city?
Unless perhaps year 25 was being reserved for something even bigger, like a going away party?
But it would make sense if there was some sort of deadline looming, wouldn't it?
Put it in context of the date -- a month before the International Olympics Committee votes on which city will host the 2016 Olympics, and the timing makes sense. 
According to GameBids.com, IOC members will make that decision on October 2nd in Copenhagen.
Think of Oprah's party as an additional primer on Chicago for the IOC, which is set to release today its evaluation report on the bidding cities: Tokyo, Madrid, Rio de Janiero and Chicago. Another chance to show off to the world the people passion in this gleaming city of steel.
Read the full post here.
FORGET THE TWEET, TWEET, TWEETS OF little blue birdies chirping on Twitter.
Yesterday there was a lot of woof, woof, woofing because the big dog -- Oprah -- had signed on, and with her her lapdog Gayle only moments behind.
And like any time the alpha dog enters a pack, hairs bristled, lips curled and the underdogs went belly-up. You didn't have to read far to figure out who fell into which category.
"Apparently #oprah is going to start twittering tomorrow," raistlinsghost tweeted. "It just may be over when this fat lady sings."
"I just soiled myself learning that the first Oprah tweet will be heard around the world Fri.…" wrote mulls, who made it a point to say his words were dripping with sarcasm.
Yes it's countdown to 9 a.m. Central, when the Cougar catcher Ashton Kutcher, a.k.a Aplusk on Twitter, gives personal tweet lessons to Ms. Winfrey on the social network darling of the minute.
The Punk'd producer was racing all this week against CNNBRK to see which who could reach one million followers first on Twitter.
Of course, Oprah stole Ashton's bark because he's just a high-strung pedigree compared to her German Shepherd. And so his shenanigans apparently led her to book a show on the topic.
Even Mr. Bad Boy himself, Sean Combs, was having to fight for attention. "ATTENTION ATTENTION!!," iamdiddy wrote. "Click to buy your new NO BITCHASSNESS tshirts in all flavors!!!"
No word on whether "Bitchassness" was a shrouded reference to O.
Read the full post here.
AS WE ALL KNOW, THERE IS NO BETTER AUDIENCE THAN OPRAH'S TO FEED THE BOTTOM LINE.
And as we see here, subtlety is not a prerequisite for pitching to her fan base.
But one question: Does Oprah know that some weight-loss product called Purity 12 is being sold in her name?
WHERE'S THE DEBATE?
All over the web, apparently.
The question is being
asked: Is Oprah out of line warning Rihanna that "if a man hits you once, he will hit you again."
The skepticism might be the result of earlier suspicions that Oprah was
playing "both sides" in the Chris Brown/Rihanna drama because, allegedly, Oprah's initial reaction to charges against Brown was less than bristling.
Read the full post here.
By Crabby Golightly
IN WHAT SURELY IS ONE OF THE MOST CLASSIC FREUDIAN SLIPS OF ALL TIMES, Oprah Winfrey released a statement yesterday saying she was "very disappointed'' that Herman Rosenblat's faux Holocaust memoir was really just about an angel in his imagination.
But here's the kicker, here's the funny part: Oprah follows up by saying, "That's what happens with lies. They get bigger and bigger and bigger."
Crabby just about lost her breath with the truthfulness of Oprah's statement, because it is clear, at least to me, that she is subconsciously talking about herself and not Mr. Rosenblat.
Scandals are popping up all over the place against Saint Oprah: the headmistress of her South African school sues for slander; ex-lover Randolph Cook pushes his book revealing a sex-and-drug-fueled affair with the Media Maven 10 years after she admitted to one; a man accused of attempting to extort Oprah files a $180 million lawsuit claiming she made false statements about him that led to his arrest by the FBI; mom Vernita gets sued for not paying a clothier, then has the audacity to countersue the company because it was legally bound not to extend her credit.
Cook, the ex-lover who's dying of esophageal cancer, says "Americans have placed Oprah on a pedestal that has been seemingly invincible until now." Well, she's not been knocked down yet, Mr. Cook, and good luck trying.
Is it a coincidence that Oprah has ballooned as these revelations have hit the news pages? Don't think so.
And neither, apparently, does Oprah's subconscious.
By Crabby Golightly
STOP IN THE NAME OF PROFIT, Penguin Group, and think twice about cancelling Herman Rosenblat's historical fiction Angel at the Fence: The True Story of a Love that Survived.
Poor Mr. Rosenblat. Not only is he a Holocaust survivor but now he must face one of life's most cruel rebukes: that of Oprah Winfrey, who not once, but twice has been duped by publishers whom we can only presume endlessly slavish her with praise and presents.
Wasn't it mere years ago that James Frey's ego got shattered into a million little pieces by the Almighty O, but conveniently only after the New York Times and the Washington Post told her that, ahem, it really was wrong to lie.
So now the jig is up about Mr. Rosenblat's faux death camp romance, during which his future wife surreptitiously fed him apples through a fence. Fast forward to the years after the War when he meets his savior on a blind date! What a story arc!
But here's my suggestion, Penguin Division et al.: Make Rosenblat go on Oprah's show to confess in person. Then she can pull his pants down and spank him LIVE! ON! TV!
Think of the ratings! Think of the publicity! Think of the book's last chapter, which surely isn't written yet!
Or you can just ask Oprah's audience to Skype in his punishment and let the verbal bullets fall where they may.
Because, ultimately, there is always a way to sell your product on the Oprah Winfrey Show.
By Crabby Golightly
AS OBAMAMANIA REACHES FEVER PITCH, talk now turns to who will serve in his cabinet. One name on everybody’s list: queen of all media Oprah (sorry, Perez), because she anointed him early as “the one,” risking her brand with the very people who made her one.
Yesterday’s The Daily Beast suggests that Senator Obama create a post specifically for Miss Winfrey. Crabby suggests that it’s always media folk who have probably never watched an hour of Oprah (the one exception being when they appeared), and who have read more of her press releases than her show scripts, who make such suggestions. So, with a special warning to Michelle to keep Her Highness away from the family quarters (because she does not play second fiddle to anyone), Crabby has come up with several potential titles she could wear in the new administration:
Minister of Divine Vibrations -- Devotees of Oprah know that she is gifted with the power of special personal communication from on high. Along the way she has had the help of seers such as Marianne Williamson, Deepak Chopra, James Redfield, Iyanla Vanzant, Gary Zukav, Rhonda Byrne,Eckhart Tolle, Nate Berkus, Bob Greene, and Dr. Phil. As MDV she could be placed in charged of NASA, directing them to listen closely to those parts of heaven from which the latest messages are being signaled.
Chief Stimulant Spending Advisor -- As one of the economic machines that feeds America’s fevered consumerist appetite, let’s put the business titan in charge of advising Americans how they should spend any future stimulant checks. America is in desperate need of an influx of spending, and O could advocate for the purchase of the many luxurious items on her annual “Favorite Things” list. Opraphiles, eager to please and look wealthier beyond their means, will rush out and max out their credit cards to feed their inner hunger while getting the economy chugging again. I can hear Oprah now: CHAAARRRGGGEE IT!
Public Image Director -- This job usually falls to Machiavellian types like Karl Rove, David Axelrod, Lee Atwater, a group that Oprah would fit in nicely. All of them worked their magic as image makers to persuade the public that their man was the man for the job. But Oprah can teach these masters new tricks: she can introduce her ironclad confidentiality agreement to these political operatives, making sure that no insider ever authors a book to challenge the authorized word. Unless, of course, they start a snarky blog and poke good fun!
All of this talk flies out the window in the off-chance that Senator McCain -- who adamantly claimed yesterday that he was "going to win it," -- actually goes all the way. But even then Oprah will win, as she can say, "See? I told you! The Secret really works!
By Crabby Golightly
SEEMS NO ONE IS IMMUNE FROM THIS ECONOMIC DOWNTURN, EVEN 'MOM' TO FORBES' FIRST AFRICAN-AMERICAN WOMAN BILLIONAIRE.
Poor Vernita Lee. Seems she hasn't been keeping up with her monthly bills, or else famous daughter Oprah Winfrey has stopped sending the checks. Oprah's mom Vernita has been sued because she has stopped making her $2,000 monthly payments to a Milwaukee, WI clothier she owes nearly $156,000.
Smited, Lee countersued last week, claiming that the upscale store was legally bound not to issue her credit as a result of a previous past-due imbroglio between the two parties, according to the Milwaukee Journal Sentinel
Read the full post here.
By Crabby Golightly
THIS WEEK'S GLOBE REPORTS THAT WAR, OR THE KIND OF BATTLE FOUGHT BETWEEN TWO WOMEN USING SHARP NAILS AND SARCASTIC SNIPES, HAS BROKEN OUT BETWEEN BARACK'S NUMBER ONE AND NUMBER TWO LADIES. The question: who is number one, and who is number two: Michelle Obama or Oprah?
The Globe reports that Michelle has decreed that Oprah be kept far from her mate, the proof being O's invisibility at the Democratic National Convention. (But that might have been a good thing: Really, who wants to see her cry her eyelashes off?)
But seriously, Michelle keeping Ms. O away is a prudent move to protect her family. After all, there is precedent for what happens when Oprah becomes the commanding third wheel in a relationship. Just ask Gayle King's ex-husband.
But in this case, it's Michelle who's got the prize that Oprah's crushing on: Barack. He's the one thing she can't buy -- yet. And proving she's a smartie, Michelle wants to keep it that way.
Everyone knows the titan's got boundary issues: if you want in her world, your kids, family, vacations, birthdays, funerals -- everything including sleep takes a backseat to serving her.
The Globe calls Michelle "controlling," which is laughable when compared to Oprah's iron-hand. But there's an upside to it all: if he can keep peace between Michelle and Oprah, surely Obama can handle unsettled hot spots throughout the rest of the world.
Read the full post here.
OPRAH'S BFF VISITED O'S NEWEST FAN DAVID LETTERMAN last weekend to hawk Oprah's Houlier-Than-Thou Reality TV show, and while there she reminded everyone once again that she and Oprah are definitely, absolutely, positively, however did you get that idea?, no way, not gay lovers.
To which I say: We believe you, honestly, truly, we do, we wouldn't care anyway, not that there's anything wrong with that.
But the point is, Gayle, in case you haven't figured this out, there is not a man in the world who is going to get involved with you since Oprah has outmanned most men in the ego and earning departments (and that's a compliment!).
And Gayle, well, we just can't imagine there's anyone who you are more interested in spending time with. You already admitted that if Oprah were a man that you would marry her. And why not? The alpha male always provides, and few men can provide better than Oprah.
Remember when your ex-husband blamed your divorce on Oprah? That was way back in 1993, and only more of the same ($$$$, gifts, fame, power, glory, sainthood) has occurred since then. Of course, we know that you say your ex cheated on you, but that's what men do when they feel abandoned and kicked to the curb. And let's be honest, what other man can offer you a private airplane, $7 million condos, and a private audience with Nelson Mandela, the Queen of England, or the Pope if so desired. (And let's be real: nobody wants the Pope's company.)
But Tina Turner, yes, Maya Angelou, maybe, Tiger Woods, yes! yes!!, Beyonce, an orgasmic yes!, Barack Obama, ...100 percent yes! But can Michelle be off fundraising somewhere else?
Bottom line: you may as well go for the benefits. You're not going to see a hard one any time soon. That is, until you divorce Oprah.
And why bother when you can buy the best motorized help in the world.
Read the full post here.
Read the full post here.
A cautionary note to Discovery: Are you buying into the Oprah "brand" past its half-life? Oprah competitor Ellen DeGeneres just bumped Oprah from her perch atop the list of most popular American celebrities. Winfrey had reigned at the top of the Harris Poll for the previous five consecutive years. And on an AOL poll asking readers if an "OWN" or Oprah Winfrey Network appealed to them, 78 percent of respondents had voted no.
And once again switching our attention to Britney, America's most annoying celebrity Rosie O'Donnell has joined the Britney Celebrity Defense League. The dethroned "Queen of Nice" has written a sympathetic poem on her blog about sad little Brit. "A Disney set is not a childhood, no matter how many bright colors they use, or how cheerful the script,'' Rosie writes. "Not a girl, barely even a woman yet, they chased her. A mob of stalkers for whom no stalking laws have been written. Smother. Crush. Flash. Photo Credit. Even Dr. "Get Real" Phil got in on the action. Unreal. 83 million albums sold so far. How many pictures? The tunnel is crowded now. There are only inches of separation between vulnerability and disaster."
It's funny how we likes Rosie so much more now that she has ditched that day-time talk show game.
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