THEY TEACH YOU IN JOURNALISM 101 THAT SEX SELLS, and media coverage of Julian Assange proves the lesson again.
Despite a four-year record of revealing governmental criminality, the audacious Aussie who challenged the US military machine is becoming a perpetual punchline for which every joke is about sex. He's become the Arthur Kade of cryptography.
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I RECENTLY DROVE THE 36 HOURS FROM CHICAGO TO CALIFORNIA.
I made several stops along the way, the last in Reno, Nevada.
Reno, the Biggest Little City in the World.
I booked my hotel from the road. The man on the other end of the line told me that it was "just off" the main drag. I contemplated staying in a smaller outlying town, but decided "oh, what the hell," and went for it. It was only like $50 a night. And it was a Friday.
I have never been to Vegas -- or Reno -- nor have I ever had the desire to do so. Too artificial, too contrived, too fluorescent. But since I was there, I was gonna do it right.
I checked into my room at the Sands Regency Hotel and Casino and showered. I accidentally left my hair straightener in the car, a mild irritant until I realized that everyone in the casino beneath me had the scarecrow-like hair of a crystal meth addict.
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I WAS ASKED THE SAME QUESTION TWICE IN A WEEK.
The first time was in a Facebook chat from someone who doesn't know who I am (but I know who he is). The second time the question came from a friend as we were slurpin' a few down.
They wanted to know how they could have a threesome with their girlfriend and another broad.
And the can of worms is hereby opened.
Let me begin with a brief history of my own experience with ménage
à trois. I don't have any experiences. Hush, hush…
wait just a second before I lose all my cred. I have only not been involved in one because, well, it never came up.
Well, once actually, when I was 18. I was freshly graduated from high school, about to zip off to Chicago to start college. I had sushi with a group a people, including a friendly acquaintance and her boyfriend, whom I had never met. That night, after I got home, the friendly acquaintance called me. "Bernard* and I were thinking," she said. "We'd like to get a little more, umm, experimental, uhh, sexually.
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FAREWELL 2009 -- IT'S SURE BEEN INTERESTING.
The past year has been a whirlwind in the life of Avoine. And now, as I am a year older, a year wiser, and have accumulated another year's worth of neuroses and emotional baggage, I'd like to usher in 2010 with a few resolutions.
BE HONEST
Resolve to be open and honest with your partner(s) about what you like, what you don't like, and what you want to try. In bed, nothing good comes of kidding your partner into thinking his/her moves are the bomb diggity. Women who fake orgasms, for instance, do a disservice not only to themselves, but also to their partner, their partner's future lovers, and womankind in general. As you busy yourself being verbally fancy-free, remember that it takes two to tango, and speakin' the truth about what you want and what turns you off means you also have to be ready to hear it, too. Grow a pair -- both you and the person with whom you share your sheets will be better for it.
Dish out the honesty, in bed and out. I have no qualms with the former, but in 2009 I struggled mercilessly with the latter.
TRY NEW THINGS
Push your limits. Try doing something somewhere you never have (and yes, I mean both anatomically AND geographically). If you've never been, go to an upscale sex shop. Fuck a different gender. Get yourself into a trying position. Break out of your comfort zone.
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HURRAH! ALICE COOPER WAS RIGHT WHEN HE SAID IN Wayne's World that Milwaukee meant "the good land!"
On Thursday night, Milwaukee's 7-member school board unanimously approved a plan to provide free condoms at the city's high schools.
Officials cited a recent study that found nearly 63 percent of the city's high school students are sexually active, and one-third of those kiddies admitted to not using a condom during their last sexual encounter.
Naturally, the town idiots claim the plan will promote promiscuity. Of course, anyone of sound mind knows that this is ludicrous. The availability of condoms will not raise the 63 percent who are having sex, but hopefully will slash the one-third percent who are engaging without condoms.
This is a huge step in the right direction. When I was in high school, we learned about condoms (which is more than most kids can say), but were never provided with any. I remember having to tell friends how to use them ("leave room at the tip," "don't use oil-based anything as lube," etc.). This after explaining that condoms were, in fact, a necessity, and that the "pull out method" didn't do shit.
Take away the stigma, take away the secrets, take away the sweaty-palmed 16-year-old quivering at the pharmacy with a pack of Trojans in hand. Replace with, duh, condoms in nurse's offices. This is real education.
What's your pleasure? Got a problem? Write to Avoine at AvoineSauvage@CrabbyGolightly.com
A STUDY BY THE UNIVERSITY OF MINNESOTA HITS THE SPOT.
U of M's Project EAT (Eating Among Teens) surveyed 1,311 people between the ages 18-24 concerning their recent sexual endeavors, self-esteem, and emotional well-being. I am beaming at the results.
Turns out casual encounters, psychologically speaking, get the green light!
Of the sexually active study participants, about one-fifth considered their last encounter "casual."
However, the overall emotional status of this 20 percent matched that of the remaining 80 percent majority who said they were in committed relationships with their most recent sexual partners.
The study also notes that depression and emotional instability is more likely to be a precursor to higher-risk sexual behavior, not the other way around.
Read the full post here.
DO WOMEN FIND FACIAL HAIR PLEASURABLE DURING ORAL SEX? -- LP
Mustaches are unobtrusive, but when it comes to the hairs on dudes' chinny chin chins, unless we're 69-ing and the prickle is on my mons pubis (look it up), I tend to have trouble with stubble. Try using some thick hair conditioner -- like Aussie 3-Minute Miracle or something -- to soften things up. Or, just perfect your technique so that three minutes is all it'll take the next time you're rockin' a 5 o'clock shadow.
Is it normal to still have nocturnal emissions in college? -- AF
Though it's definitely more common in the pubescent years of one's life, wet dreams are in fact normal at any age. You may run into some problems as your frequency of shackin' up increases, and unless you have in-unit laundry, you're going to wind up with some very incriminating bedsheets. Make sure you're masturbating enough, and before you go to bed, chant: "Baseball, cold showers, baseball, cold showers, Margaret Thatcher naked on a cold day!"
If you really want to kiss somebody on the first date, should you? I just did, then found myself saying "sorry" afterwards. I shouldn't apologize, right? -- NB
If you wanted to go for it, don't feel bad! Don't apologize for anything, unless, I suppose, you drool on your date's chin. I'm sure you're cute enough that even the little quip was charming.
What is a good pick-up line for a girl to use on a guy? -- BH
Buy him a beer. Quote a Farrelly Brothers movie. In plain, unadorned language, ask for a conjugal visit.
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I
NFAMOUS SEX BLOGGER BELLE DE JOUR HAS BEEN OUTED AS A CANCER RESEARCHER!
Thank you to an intelligent and accomplished woman who is (what I like to call) "sexually realized." She was aware of her sexual capabilities and chose (key word: CHOSE) to capitalize on them. Though this does not come free of consequences: "Belle" is now the subject of invasive media attention, implicit threats from an ex-boyfriend, and her story is being used as a lens to examine the entire industry of prostitution.
With a PhD in informatics, epidemiology, and forensic science, Belle de Jour -- a.k.a. Dr. Brooke Magnanti -- specialized not only in blow jobs, but also developmental neurotoxicology and cancer epidemiology. She currently works at the Bristol Initiative for Research of Child Health researching the effects of exposure to the pesticide chlorpyrifos on fetuses and infants. WHAT?!
On November 15th, Magnanti went public to India Knight of The Sunday Times. This decision was partially her own, partially due to the possibility of an ex-boyfriend outing her.
Magnanti is proof-positive that intelligent woman can indeed be a "whore," a "slut," a "floozy," or "prostitute."
Read the full post here.
AFTER TRYING A FEW TIMES, I FIND ANAL SEX underwhelming, and my girlfriend isn't into it at all. Everything I read seems pretty vague: just basically to use a lot of lube, make sure you're comfortable, yadda yadda. It seems really hot, but never quite pans out. I wanna drink the Kool-Aid, but can't find the pitcher. Am I missing something?
Dear Klutz:
Oh, butt sex. So often joked about, talked about, and written about, yet so few seem to know how to do it in a way that satisfies all parties involved.
Anal isn't always easy, but when it's done right it is oh…so…right. For everyone -- men, women, gay, straight, whatever.
First of all, I suggest some mood creation. You can't just stick it in someone's ass without softening 'em up first.
Read the full post here.
C
ARRIE PREJEAN, fake-titted Jesus lover, was caught red-handed doing what she does best: being a hypocrite.
At the Miss USA pageant in April, pageant princess Prejean spewed about the sanctity of "opposite marriage."
She, naturally, qualified this assertion with her Christian values. (*Note: I'm not saying that Christians are all narrow-minded people-haters. That would be a gross exaggeration.)
And, as a reprise to her underwhelming series of topless photos, she is…drum roll, please…featured in a "home video in which she apparently engages in a solo sex act."
Boom! Zing! Pow! Evidently, TMZ has the video but won't release it.
The video was used as a trump card for the defense in a recent lawsuit Prejean filed against Miss USA.
Apparently flicking her bean for the camera stripped Prejean of credibility as a victim of religious discrimination.
This, however, is not about Carrie Prejean. I would say that she could go fuck herself, but she already did. And it was filmed.
Rather, this is a small example of a larger topic: filming and photographing sex. Hot or not?
My ex -- from when we were together -- has photos, videos, super-saucy text messages, and emails.
Read the full post here.
"IABSOLUTELY LOVE AND LIVE FOR GOING DOWN ON GIRLS.
In fact, I probably enjoy it more than having sex. Yet I cannot seem to find any chicks that are down with that. What am I doing wrong? Why is it so hard for me to employ my
tongue to its utmost potential? (If you have any friends who are looking for that -- even if that means no
sex -- I am more than willing to take that offer." Signed, Starvin' in the Suburbs.
Dearest
Starvin':
Your query is troubling. Many women lament the fact that their significant others feel ambivalent or repulsed by their nether-regions. Yet we have you, a reasonable man, with the opposite problem.
Can I just say, for whatever comfort it may offer, that I totally understand the draw to cunnalingus. (I love that
word!) I'm realgood at giving, and even better at receiving. And while I probably would never turn down some sweet tongue-in', there are lots of women who will and do.
Sadly, many -- if not most -- girls are terrified of their pussy. Terrified. In the 21st century, I sometimes can't believe that such anxiety still exists, but it totally does.
We are trained to think we smell like rotting fish and taste even worse. Also, allow me to remind you of the terms used to describe penises: cock, dick, etc. Pretty non-descript, yes?
What do we women get? Beef curtains, bearded clam, ham wallet, etc.
Read the full post here.
PURELY FOR RESEARCH PURPOSES, I PERUSED COSMOPOLITAN'S website today. I was reminded what utter trash that magazine produces and perpetuates: the hetero-normative gender roles, the watered-down and hyped-up rhetoric, the clichéd bullshit that dim-witted readers relish. And I was reminded of the sheer lunacy that is inherent with any "Sex Position of the Day" archive.
Allow me to explain: I appreciate what Cosmo (and creators of Sex Position books and calendars, etc.) is trying to accomplish. I get it. Sometimes sex needs to be spruced up. A new little swivel can go a long way, and for folks who don't necessarily swim in sexy thoughts, the task of conjuring up new ideas can be daunting. But scripted moves are, well, scripted. And usually they are problematic and/or unrealistic, if not just totally unoriginal and unenlightening.
Perhaps my number one issue with these "creative" position guides is what I call the Boner Kill. Exhibit A: the Electric Slide. First item -- her ass would have to be WAY higher, hips folded more tightly to even conceive of this position. How is he sitting back so far with his cock still inside her…Huh?
Exhibit B: The X-Rated. (Lame name!) How the fuck is a boner supposed to fold like that? Last time I checked, when dudes get hard, their peens point UP. Any time I've tried to get one into a position as unnatural as this, there is usually some serious discomfort on the guy's end. It seems almost as difficult as touching my nipples behind my back. Just not happ'nin.
Another problematic one is the Erotic Accordion, which essentially puts the woman into the most unflattering position imaginable, a bowed-back that would give Kate Moss belly rolls.
Read the full post here.
RECENTLY, I ended a long-term serious relationship. What I lost in physical weight, emotional baggage, financial stability, and verbal filter, I gained in the Wahl Coil Massager.
Don't get me wrong, it's not that I didn't have vibrators before. My past with sex toys is riddled with memories mediocre and fond alike. I began in middle school with the buzzing shaft behind the bristles on an electrical toothbrush. (I do apologize for that image.) At 18, I advanced to a $14 purple twist-bottomed one. About that all I can muster is meh.
I then dabbled with the seriously under-stimulating Magic Bullet. Nothing special. I moved on up to a $26 lime-green number. I still own and enjoy the shit out of that one, which is powerful enough, though the batteries can peter out without warning. But the Wahl Coil Massager, my friends? The Wahl Coil Massager changed my life.
This vibe-tastic device is not for the faint-of-heart, nor tentative-of-clit.
Much like the often-championed Hitachi Magic Wand, the popular "personal massager" that was promoted on Sex and the City, the WCM plugs into the wall.
Read the full post here.
ICAN'T DIRTY TALK TO MY BOYFRIEND WITHOUT FEELING uber-trashy or silly. For instance, one time I actually said, "Rock my boat. Yeah. Put it in me, Captain." It was humiliating! (To my credit, I was wearing a sexy sailor costume.) I'm going for sexy and tasteful; I want to be dirty, not ridiculous or disgusting. -- Signed "Inarticulate in Indiana"
Dear Inarticulate:
Dirty talk is a touchy topic. It took me a long time to be able to do it confidently, and I had to be very comfortable with the person who was getting the talking-to. It certainly takes some mastering, though once you perfect your art, it's a goldmine, girlfriend. I have a few pointers. 
Set a couple of rules beforehand. Though "rules" in the bedroom are usually too restrictive for my liking, dirty talk relies on a few principles. For example, I was gettin' frisky with an ex-bf recently when he pulled out the "you're a fuckin' whore" line, which some people find sexy, naughty, and enticing. For me? None of the above. And to boot, his tone wasn't endearing. It said, "You. Are. A. Fucking. WHORE." Yikes. Clit-boner? Gone. I should have told him before that such a statement is a major mood-kill.
Make sure you know each other's favorite sexy slogans or anatomical terms, and know which ones to avoid. If having an actual conversation about it feels forced, you can always drop a nonchalant line into your everyday coffee talk. "Oh, I heard someone use the word slit today and it totally made me cringe." Or, "Have you seen Kim Kardashian’s sex tape? She says 'oh shit, baby' over and over, and that is so not hot." It's all about communication.
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