ALTERNATIVE MEDICINEJersey Shore: Free Range Peeing
By Karen Malmquist 
VINNY'S BACK! Deena's over the moon excited to have her soul back, and Pauly's excited to have his boyfriend back. So precious. ]]>
The gang warns Vinny that Mike's been acting good lately. Vinny doesn't like the sound of that.
Jenni decides to call Roger, since she hasn't seen him in a while. He doesn’t pick up, but she leaves a message asking him to come to the club with her.
Mike tells Snooki and Ron that he's thinking of getting tattoos in his arms that say "Loyalty" and "Betrayal." Ronnie tells us they really ought to say "Betrayal" and "Betrayal." lIf Mike knew the meaning of the word "ironic," he would say that this is an ironic thing to say to Snooki.
At the club that night, Snooki dances so hard that she pees on herself. “Thank God no else saw it,” Deena says… to the camera. Snooks heads to the bathroom and bathes in perfume, then returns to the dancefloor.
When everyone returns home, Vinny's so happy to be back that he does pushups while a drunk Deena nags him to say that he loves her back.
The next morning, Snooki, dressed in the same clothes (and shoes!) that she passed out in, runs downstairs to throw away her ruined panties.
Deena’s weave and clip-in extensions are a mess, so she tries to fix them by blow-drying them. When she plugs in her hair dryer, she shocks herself and her arm starts tingling. She starts freaking out, telling Sam that she got electrocuted. Part of me wishes Deena would say that she believes she suddenly gained superpowers.
Mike is suspiciously nice to Ron, and Ron senses that something's up. He jokes to Mike that he must have something planned.
The boys go out to lunch (also at Jenks), and a bunch of Mike’s “friends” show up. And by friends, that probably means random people who recognize him, that he can pass off as friends.
Snooki needs to pee again and drags Deena to the bathroom with her. She declares that she has a UTI, and after relieving herself, both meatballs announce that they never wash their hands. Great. Snooki orders some tequila shots to act as pain medicine, since she’s a vet tech and stuff.
Afterwards, the wasted meatballs share a cab home with Mike, who feels this is an appropriate time to go on and on about how he thinks everyone is out to get him. Snooki tells him to call everyone out for ganging up on him. Why would you do that, Nicole?
When everyone gets home, Snooki needs to pee again. All the bathrooms are occupied, so she pees outside on the deck.I don't give a f---," she mutters. " Whatever. I can pee where I want."
Mike’s skin is breaking out, and he stumbles down the stairs in his swim trucks, with a slight blur showing. Yikes. He runs up to the roof where the meatballs are, and he starts freaking out about everyone “ganging up on him.” "Because you're crazy pants," Snooki says.The other roommates run up to see what’s going on, and end up just laughing at his belligerence, and how he doesn’t realize his wiener is hanging out. "Yo, I swear to God, that thing is talking to me right now, bro," Vinny tells him. Mike goes on about how Ron is up to no good, to which Ron says, sternly, “It was a f***ing joke.”
Snooki tries to film a little confessional, and Mike interrupts her, making no sense. She tells him to get out of the room, and then she tells him that the people in the house don’t trust him.
Mike confronts the guys, who act like nothing is wrong.
The meatballs agree that something needs to be done to lighten the mood in the house, so they bring out the bunny suit. Snooki puts the suit on, and Deena lures Vinny and Pauly into her room, where Snooki is waiting to attack.
Everyone decides to play Warm Beer to mess with Snooki. Apparently it’s a game where you heat up a can of beer until it gathers soot on the bottom, or something like that. Whatever it is, Ron puts soot all over Snooki’s face, and she doesn’t notice right away.
After Mike has finally passed out, Snooki put the bunny suit’s head on, and sneaks into his room. She sticks her finger in his nose, and then it looks like he eats it.
DEENA IS A GENIUS, YOU GUYS. At work, Deena decides to make herself some booty shorts to wear out at night. They say “I Jersey Turnpike all Night”, and she knows they’re going to show when she Jersey Turnkpikes. That’s the idea!
A hairdresser comes over to fix Jenni and Snooki’s hair, and Snooki’s dad walks in the house. She forgot that he was coming to visit her, and immediately tells him that she has a UTI and sends him out for some cranberry juice. Oh, and she tells him that she doesn’t know how she got her UTI.
Mike has a heart-to-heart with Deena. And in case it isn’t obvious what he needed to talk to her about, here it is again: he thinks everyone is out to get him. Oh, and Mike saw Roger on the boardwalk.
He tells Jenni that he saw her boyfriend just blocks away from the house, and Jenni is agitated. Looks like maybe next week we'll see how she handles this. In season three, she called Roger out when he ignored her while driving in a separate car on the highway. The nerve!
Ron, Vinny, and Pauly return home from wherever they were, and Mike tells them that he figured out Snooki is the one messing with him. The boys think this is hilarious. Yeah, it’s hilarious untl he calls up the Unit, and tells him that game's on.
Oh, here we go.
Karen Malmquist is a junior at La Salle University, and the head writer and star of In Other News, a comedy series airing in Philadelphia.
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