Bad Gay Glam Rock: A RuPaul's Drag Race Recap

RAVEN LAMENTS THE LOSS OF MORGAN BUT WHAT SHE REALLY FEELS IS, hey, one mo ho down. Tyra's thinking about the bad blood that still runs between her and Tatty when Ru's She-Mail announces a rock and roll night.

Ru enters the workroom in black cycle gear. The mini-challenge: styling a wig into rock chick hair in 30 minutes. Tatty's worried and Juju wants to win her first challenge. Lots of teasing and gluing and 29 minutes later we see the most horrible creations known to man in hair. Tyra, who seems to know nothing before the advent of Beyoncé, calls hers Sasha Fierce. Sigh. And Raven rocks a rocker mom. Tatty says her girl got completely trashed and her wig definitely is. Ru says Sahara's is too subtle, and Pandora's is Mustang Sally.

Jessica used some green hair and says hers is modeled on Jem. Ah, no.

Juju begins her story by telling Ru her girl was shopping for deli meats when Ru stops her and asks when she lost control of her wig. And the winner: Pandora with her less ugly hot mess, I guess.

For the main challenge the he-ladies will transform themselves into hot rocker chicks using their own drag. Ru commands them to take it up to 11. ]]> And, for the first time ever on the Drag Race, they’re singing LIVE to Ru's song LadyBoy. Their vocal coach is Berlin's Terry Nunn, who I have to confess I know nothing about. Ru said they sang Take My Breath Away, so I google it and then realized, duh, it's the song from Top Gun.

Jessica says she sings with a band, so if she doesn't win this challenge what will she win. "Girl, I feel the same way," Juju says with a wrist snap. She says none of these bitches can carry a tune so she should be In like Flynn. She can sing. Oh gosh, I think I need a drink before they start calling dogs. Excuse me.

Furious sewing ensues and they begin learning the song lyrics. We find out Tyra doesn't know much about Tina Turner and has only seen her with, say it with me now, Beyoncé. Raven confesses she's a no-singing ass and to deflect from this fact she plans on working the stage. Jessica's outfit looks cute so far, kinda early Madonna. Ru asks Sahara how she's gonna stay out of the final two this week, hahahahaha. And she encourages Jujubee to win her first challenge.

Yes, yes, yes. Henry Rollins is a guest judge this week and my heart starts beating fast. I do know who he is since he sings one of my favorite songs of all time, "Liar." Check it out but beware: It's not for the faint of heart. It’s for the lonely of heart. One of the girls also has a crush, calling him "manly" and noting his huge hands. And you know what that means. Huge hands means huge... hands.

Coaching begins and Terry Nunn, even after listening to Raven, wants to fuck him....but he’s gay.

What the hell is Jessica singing? Pandora flounces around the stage. Terry's being the Paula Abdul of DragRace, encouraging and a bit ditzy. And poor Tatty still can’t get thru it.

Elimination and everyone's really nervous. While doing their makeup the dolls talk some more about coming out and previous drug use because of it. They're all looking good. Juju thinks everyone thinks she’s the one to beat.

Runway time and Ru's fieeeeeeeeeeeeeeeerce in black tulle, her hair like lightning, it's fantastic, orgasmic, 10-feet high superhero hair. She introduces the judges and now, ugh, it’s time for the singing. Bottoms up!

The singing is what you'd expect but the dolls look good.

Jessica’s channeling her inner Madonna, wearing a long, bright blonde wig, perfect for head-twirling. Pandora has the moves, remembers to ask everyone to clap their hands and sounds ok. But she’s dancing out of step.

Sahara comes out screaming like a fucking banshee and Henry looks at her like she’s lost her mind, and then she forgets the words. Tatty, which Santino spells Tati, gyrates all over the stage in painted-on skintight black leather pants and wifebeater. Raven's in black and white stripes with her ass hanging out of a thong. She's feeling it. Tyra’s voice is deep and horrible and, as usual her outfit is Beyoncé -lite. She gets the death stare from Henry as well. And, surprise, surprise, surprise, Juju's not as good a singer as she pretends to be all episode. She freezes and also forgets the words. She’s fucking up and she knows it.

Ru lies that that was the best concert she’s seen in a long time. They like Jessica, and Henry says he likes the way she used her hair as a weapon. They all say Juju fucked up and she’s devastated. Pandora’s gonna make the cut, Sahara didn’t know any of the lyrics and was not rocker enough, Tatty’s worked her body but is still not a rock star. They check out Raven fishnetted ass and say she sold them. Tyra was too glamourous to rock.


The judges discuss and make their choices. Everyone is flabbergasted that, after all that talk, Jujubee was the most awful. Me too, brothers and sisters. I just knew girlfriend was gonna take off but I did notice they never showed her even humming during the hour. Of course she couldn’t sing.

Tyra has immunity and Jessica, Pandora and Raven are safe with Jessica Wild the winner. Who cares we couldn't understand a word. But she doesn’t win immunity, no more of that shit from now on.
,br>It’s getting serious, bitches, says Raven. Jujubee was the one to beat but Ru says she's up for elimination. Tatty channeled her inner Britney and is safe and Sahara is up as she is every damn week.

The song this week -- tag:crabbygolightly.com,2010:/mt//1.904 2010-03-16T08:31:39Z 2010-03-16T11:06:50Z

Crabby Golightly UNMASKED

Rielle Hunter: The Crazy At The Center Of A Storm

By Elizabeth C.

FOUR YEARS AFTER SHE HAD HIM AT HELLO, GQ delivers a revealing interview with Rielle Hunter, the crazy at the center of John Edwards' storm.

Hunter, who turns 46 March 20th, invites a reporter over for a sleepover, confides details of her deceitful two-year sexual liaison with a presidential candidate who's wife has cancer, poses seductively on the resulting love child's twin bed with Kermit, Dora, Barney and a hoot owl, then cries "repulsive" when the pictures go meta.

The media had a field day Monday mocking Hunter's witless blunder. The Boston Herald snaps "Really Rielle? Get Your Pants On!" while Wonkette cracks, "RIELLE HUNTER IS NOW SAD! Jesus, did she think they'd Photoshop some pants onto her?"

And while the pictures of the adulteress in men's white dress shirt on her daughter's bed are provocative, they aren't nearly as revealing as the 10-page interview in which a blithely self-unaware Hunter dispenses relationship advice, asserts that "Johnny" "doesn't lie," claims "compassion" for his dying wife, and confesses bedding Edwards' hours after meeting him.]]> "Everyone talks about how Johnny has fallen from grace. In reality, he's fallen to grace,’" Hunter says. "He is integrated. He is living a life of truth. He has grown in awareness and humility. He had all these things within him, but they weren't the guiding, leading principles of his life. Now they are."

Yet Hunter conveniently ignores that Edwards’ divine fall only arrived after an undisputable National Enquirer photograph; that he renewed his wedding vows with his wife Elizabeth when she herself was pregnant; that he disavowed her publicly on national television; that he doesn’t fear her because she has already cost him everything he owns

And when Edwards called her after publicly stating that Elizabeth was the only woman he ever loved, Hunter says she told him, “Ouch, that hurt." And he said, "I'm sorry." And "It doesn't mean anything." And it didn't. I know he loves me. I have never had any doubt at all about that.”

It would be so easy for the rest of us to forgive the tangled mess Edwards’ has made out of his own life -- and dozens of others’ lives -- if we too posessed Hunter’s magical ability to discern whether the former Democratic presidential candidate means what he says or what he does.

Hunter does succeed in convincing us that Edwards has met his perfect match: he’s finally found someone who love him as much as he loves himself.


Of their first night together, she says, “I had never experienced anything like what was flowing between us. …It was just this, this magnetic force field like I had never experienced.”

And still more: “We had an extraordinary night, and I did know that this was unlike anything either of us had ever experienced. And as we have all learned, that was accurate! “

And then: “We love each other very much. And that hasn't changed, and I believe that will be till death do us part. The love doesn't go away. It's unconditional. It's unconditional on my part, but our connection is profound.”

Throughout the extensive interview, Hunter tries even the score against Elizabeth Edwards and Andrew Young, the faux father of her two year old girl named Frances Quinn. She insinuates Young is a thief, a liar and a homosexual. And she paints Elizabeth as a wrathful emasculator for whom she nevertheless feels “compassion.”

Ultimately, though, Hunter, whose own lawyer father was a conniving cheat, conveys how clueless she is about performing the dirty work for her “humanitarian” boyfriend.”

Of this interview, Hunter says that Johnny is “very supportive of me talking now. He believes that it's something that will help me be at peace with it. And he knows how important truth is to me. Factual truth as well as spiritual truth.

As a federal investigation of Edwards’ campaign’s payments to Hunter’s video company continues, as an epic divorce fight looms, Edwards’ has given his blessing for Hunter to talk. Because, even though she's too blind to see, Rielle Hunter is a tool.

Same Backstabbing, Different Coast: New York Housewives Return

THE NEW SEASON OF THE NEW YORK HOUSEWIVES BEGINS WHERE THEIR O.C. SISTERS LEFT OFF -- with a girls trip gone bad.

Ramona rents a yacht and invited all her girlfiends out. Alex, Jill and LuAnn attend and Alex is shocked at Ramona's warm welcome after all the shit talking she does about her. Everyone's having drinks and fun when LuAnn brings up a remark she overhead from Mario. It seems he called her "Countless." Which really is kinda true since she now is Count less. Since it really isn't the time or place for it Ramona goes off and accuses her of being rude and wanting to ruin her outing. Jill jumps in, Ramona feels attacked and flees to go cry and hang out inside with her other "real" girlfriends. The trip ends with hugs and champagne but hurt feelings remain.

From her reaction, Bethenny told Jill the worst thing she's ever heard: "You need to get a hobby." ]]> It’s just a case of one friend not being able to hang out so much with you anymore. It happens, Jill, and grownups deal with it. Maybe you do need a hobby besides gossip. Bethenny's been busy growing her business and being in love and that leaves little time to go swanning around New York with Jill. She also has a very unpleasant lunch with LuAnn that leaves her shaking with indignation.

Bethenny and Jason have drinks with Ramona and Mario. Ramona, totally delusional as usual, talks about cutting her gorgeous long blonde hair and being raped by Jill and the Countess on her yacht trip. The “Countless” remark comes up and Bethenny says she would have said the same thing, especially after her disastrous lunch the LuAnn. She also lets loose that LuAnn and the Count were both screwing around on each other. OOO, didn’t know all that but I believe it.

LuAnn’s former “girl” Rosie comes out to visit. She’s given up (or lost in the divorce) the New York townhouse and is living year round in the Hamptons' house, and that's why they lost Rosie’s services. Although LuAnn talks about how she and Rosie confide in each other, from what I can see it’s all about LuAnn and her troubles. After hinting that she’s like Rosie to teach her new “girl” how to make Rosie red snapper she tells us they’re “friends.” I think Rosie cares about the family but when she names her friends I don’t think LuAnn would come up.

Ramona and Mario's next victims for drinks are Alex and Simon. Simon and Mario show up dressed similarly in pink shirts and white suits. How very Hamptons! Simon says Ramona looks like a young Cameron Diaz and she giggles like a school girl. Alex tells us that she knew Ramona would eat that shit up. Ramona invites them to her Labor Day barbeque. “Countless” comes up and Mario says LuAnn should come off her high horse. But... he does call to invite her to the barbecue but never really apologizes.

Jill and her family spendd the Labor Day weekend at LuAnn’s. Jill was invited to Ramona’s barbeque but doesn’t want to go since her hostess isn’t going. Jill calls Ramona and puts her on speakerphone. Bad move. Ramona goes off after she says she doesn’t want to come to the party. Calls her rude, calls her a slut and says she’s always had men in her life even when she was married and maybe that’s why her husband divorced her! Jill demands Mario apologize for his remark. And it ends there.

Jill also says that people shouldn’t worry about what other people are doing. Exactly what Bethenny told her. Ha. They both diss Bethenny with LuAnn saying men come and go but girlfirends are forever. Which is usually true. But as we get older, ladies, men tend more often to stay. At least we hope they will.

Jason asks Bethenny to live with him and she gets all teary and wonders how she's come to have it all. The great career and the great guy. Sweet.

Ramona prepares for her barbeque and hopes Alex and Simon don't bring their kids. She grouses about Jill not coming. Jill thinks Ramona should understand that since she’s staying with the Countess she can’t come over. Kelly arrives and acts all mysterious and says something’s happening tomorrow. LuAnn worries that she got arrested again. Jill also thinks it’s something bad since she’s acting so weird. Well, it turns out that she’s been chosen to be on the cover of Playboy for their 40th anniversary edition. It’ll be topless and -- LuAnn says -- inspirational. LuAnn turns it around to herself and says she was on the cover of Playgirl hundreds of years ago and offers to go get it. Yeah, they really want to see it. Not.

Ramona didn’t invite Kelly to her party and for that I give her props. She did invite Bethenny, who’s weirded out when she finds out Alex and Simon are coming. She didn’t use Alex’s logo for her company. She immediately comes out with it and thanks her for all her hard work. Alex is OK with it, her only problem was that she’d heard Bethenny said she’d wanted something "better." The group talk about how Jill likes the underdog and that now that Bethenny has a man she doesn't have time for Jill. Some chick named Jennifer tells Bethenny how hurt Jill is by her actions. Bethenny’s reaction -- too bad. Get a hobby. I think Jill’s chosen Kelly for her next charity case anyway.

Alex and Simon, feeling caught in the middle of the 2009 battle of the barbecues, first go to Ramona's but dip out to go over to LuAnn’s. They make no bones about it either. But Ramona gets upset when they leave. She’s pissed that LuAnn invited them. She gets the crazy eyes under her new short do.

Alex decides to stay at LuAnn’s. She calls Jill and tells her she can’t make a graceful exit. Jill pumps for gossip and she says there was no hatefest, that LuAnn didn’t want to be around Mario and Jill didn’t wanna be around Bethenny. They hate her anyway.

SexyChattyCatty is a regular contributor at CrabbyGolightly.com where she writes on TV, America's favorite snack food.

Gay Fantasia On Ice: Johnny Weir Proposes Touring Show With Lady GaGa

THE FANTASTIC MR. FOXY Johnny Weir doesn't need no stinkin' Stars on Ice gig. That's for little girls and sparkly boy-wannabes. The fabulous Johnny's got bigger dreams: His own touring ice show with the Lady Gah!

Just days after reports hit the web that Weir was denied a spot on the U.S.'s only figure skating tour because he wasn't "family friendly," Johnny confirmed to Access Hollywood that the rumors were true.

"It is for real. I've never been invited to do Star on Ice before," Johnny told Billy Bush. "It's disappointing that I can't perform for my American fans… all because I'm not 'family friendly' enough."]]> The quotable, perpetual drama queen, who's flamboyant antics have made him a star off the ice, then muses that "right now, just artistically and creatively, I'd love to have my own show and my own tour and involve some big musical acts, like maybe getting Lady Gaga.

Just imagine the orgiastic display of vice and glitter in the Johnny Weir & Lady G's Spectacular Heels On Ice! show. What a bonanza that would be for gay "little monsters": two icons in one golden ticket! Let's pray he's let in to the Haus of Gah.

And if Johnny's daydreams still don't materialize, he still could always appear in one of GaGa’s crime-spree ridden videos as accomplice in audacity.

How Do You Define S E X?

SO THIS COLUMN IS ABOUT SEX, RIGHT? Seems simple enough.

But really, what IS sex?

Of course, there is the umbrella of "sex," under which everything sexual in nature resides. But when you say you "had sex with someone," what does that mean?

Before some heady examination, one may think it's as simple as the baseball paradigm of bases, ending with, naturally, p-in-vahgee intercourse. This is much too basic, much too trite, and -- as I've found in various conversations -- has meanings that are incredibly skewed from person to person.

I personally have always thought that first base was making out, second was HJs, third was BJs, and when you reached home plate -- intercourse -- you were able to say you'd "had sex" with someone.

Of course, it is NEVER that simple. The Kinsey Institute at Indiana University, named after the vaunted sexologist Alfred C., asked 204 men and 282 women their definition of the term "had sex." ]]> (An aside: As a chipper young college student, my grandfather used to cut Alfred Kinsey’s lawn in Bloomington, Ind., but that’s another story.) The study’s results were broad.

As could be expected, an overwhelming majority -- 95% -- defined it as penile-vaginal penetration, but one in ten thought that no jizz, equaled no "sex." A majority deemed oral (70%) and anal (80%) to be "sex."

Bizarrely, 23 percent of men 65 and older rejected penile-vaginal intercourse as sex.

"There's a vagueness of what sex is in our culture and media," said Dr. William L. Yarber, the study's co-author. This is not only irritating when trying to relay information via the baseball paradigm. It's an actual problem when it comes to compiling statistics pertaining to sexual history, in the case of people who, for example, check the “I have had sex with 10 or more people” box during a survey. They could have actually had penile-vaginal intercourse with three partners and oral with seven and conclude that their number is 10.

I mean, we all knew that one girl in high school who was a "virgin" because she’d only done anal, or the friend whose low number seems impossible due to the volumes of blowjobs he receives.

I consider myself to have had sex with seven people, six men and one woman. But if I had to count oral sex,, my number would be in the double-digits.

My mother – who is fantastic – thinks that blowies count. “Oh Mom,” I said. “That would call for me to have a recount, and I really don’t want to do that.”

This tall-dark-n-handsome I know says that both oral and anal count in the final count. “I haven’t sat down and made my tally. But a girl who’s giving BJs so she won't tarnish Daddy’s promise ring is in denial.”

I have trouble counting oral sex in my or other's "number," as I feel that the ability to have oral sex without intercourse shows remarkable self-control, but da butt seems another story. Perhaps it’s that it is so reminiscent of traditional intercourse.

A universal vocabulary seems crucial, especially considering Yarber’s point that "If people don't consider certain behaviors sex, they might not think sexual health messages about risk pertain to them."

The lack of a universal language presents a problem, of course, if you’re gay, and especially if you’re a lesbian.

If a gay man has never slept with a woman, would the 20% who don’t believe anal is "sex" consider him a virgin, even if he'd fucked men? This is even more challenging a question for lesbians, as 70% of people consider oral to be "sex." What about strap-ons; do they count? If they do, I may add that they, to me, seem less intimate than mutual cunnilingus or the infamous “scissoring” maneuver. It's pretty misogynistic to assert that there needs to be a penis to constitute sex.

An ex of mine claimed that she’d had sex with around two-dozen women. She considered my version of "second base," however, to be “sex.” Her reasoning was one of intimacy.

“You just know when you’ve had sex with someone,” she rationalized. And when you do it without a penis, she thought, practically anything was “sex.”

I disagree, and wouldn’t qualify handsies as “sex,” but again, it seems terribly sexist to assert that gay men have “sex” just because there is penile penetration. I do like her reasoning of intimacy though, but just can’t subscribe to the notion that classification is that fluid.

For me, second base is not, and never will be, sex. Third base is up for debate, I suppose, but as of now I don’t include recipients of my blow-jays or people who have had their face in my vadge in my black book. (With the exception of intragender relations.) I’ve never let anyone who hadn’t put it in the front put it in the back, but if under some peculiar circumstance that did happen, I’d consider them that.

Weigh in. What does “sex” mean to you?

What's your pleasure? Got a problem? Write to Avoine at AvoineSauvage@CrabbyGolightly.com

American Idol Pours On The Heartbreak

BOO AND BOO HOO!

Americans' sent home four performers last night and it's night's like these that makes you think the vote is rigged.

First to go is Katelyn Epperly. I was happy to see her go since she hasn't wowed me this year. Apparently the judges are looking for people with "wow" factors and Katelyn doesn't have it.

Then Todrick Hall gets the boot. I thought he did a great job and he moved the audience. But I guess he didn't "wow" America and wasn't memorable enough to get votes.

Then Alex "Mullet" Lambert gets cut -- but still not the one he needs! ]]> Yes! Alex did good this week but maybe he'd be better without that mullet! Not too sad to see him go.

The big shocker is the last girl to be eliminated. The show pits Katie Stevens and Lilly Scott against each other and it's the very talented and amazing Lilly who's sent packing.

I would have bet gobs of money that Lilly was going to make it to the final top 10. This is a sad moment in American Idol history. I haven't been as heartbroken since David Archuleta lost two years ago.

The show goes on. Next week the top 12 contestants compete to see who will be the next American Idol.

Nicki R. is a Southern girl living in the big city of Chicago. She loves quiet evenings a home watching horror films with her dogs Jezebelle and Zombie. Check out her blog, Hey, Look Behind You!

O.C.'s Real Housewives' Leftovers Leave Bitter Aftertaste

AS IF WE HAVEN'T HAD ENOUGH, BRAVO SERVES UP ANOTHER DOSE OF BATHOS WITH BACK-TO-BACK "Reunion" shows of the O.C.'s Housewives. Didn't the season just end?

Of course, we can never see enough squabbling between husband and wife (Tamra and Simon), mother and daughter (Lynne and Alexa), friend and spouse (Vicki and Simon). So we get to see it all again!!

And there's never enough time to illustrate how slippery slimey Slade Smiley actually is. (Try saying that five times!)

We discover that Gretchenis singing now as well as producing a makeup line. I heard a little bit of her song. Meh. She brought Vicki's jaw to the ground when she tells us she bought Jo's music catalog. Yes, Jo of Jo and Slime. Of course, I'm sure she was urged on by Slime; how else would she know it was available? ]]> And we saw what a great music career he guided Jo to.

Andy says it's funny no one has anything good to say about Slade. Damn right, everyone hates him. All over the world, according to Vicki who swears she heard him being dissed in the Vatican. That's wild, but I believe it. Lynne finally says something coherent when she comments that she thinks Gretchen's being brainwashed and separated from her friends by Slimey. Yes, everyone hates him but as is usually the case girlfriend sees that as a need to protect him more. Let's just drop it.

But no. They bring up how he's an opportunist and famewhore and the worst thing that could happen to Gretchen would be a reversal of his vasectomy. Vicki says she doesn’t want to share the stage with him. But of course Gretchen defends: ""At the end of the day he's the person I'm in love with and I ask that you guys respect and don't talk negative about him."

Hour two begins with clips of Lynne's many famed foibles. Someone wonders if Lynne's so mellow because she's a stoner. These shows really do have the best audience questions. She owns up to drinks and maybe a pill or two. Or four.

Vicki and Don are back in love. Her love tank is full.

Oh god, clips from the dinner party. Who works, who doesn’t. Who’s trash and who isn’t. And we hate Alexis. She's talking about texting her family while in San Francisco. Vicki says she feels Alexis thinks she's superior to everyone. Tamra tries to soften that by calling it confidence. I call it stuck-up bitch as I watch her sitting there rolling her eyes around in that duck head of hers. There's strong personality and then there's obnoxious. She's the latter.

Talk turns to the economy and the woes of folks we thought had money in the bank. All except for Vicki, of course. She works hard, as she never fails to remind us. Her lifestyle hasn't changed a bit. Uh oh, the dinner party again. She knows everyone works but she works the hardest. Then she gets into a tiff with the wives one by one on who does what. Basically she says you can't eat love.

How's Jeanna doing? Well, here she comes. First thing out of her mouth is that Vicki doesn’t visit her anymore. Then they talk about the TP'ing of her house the night of the slumber party. How old are they? Who does that anyway? She's still not divorced and Matt is living in and out of her house. She's so soft. She throws out her opinion that Tamra and Simon should stay together and Tamra pretty much says mind your own business.

Hah, then Jeanna talks about how Tamra cried about her parents' divorce even though she was 27 when it happened. I think she called her trailer trash too.

The husbands come on but Simon is missing. Jim says he just wasn't feeling it. I'm sure. Andy reads a comment that says Jim is controlling and a girl's worst nightmare. Then Alexis pipes in and says that he's actually changed a diaper. He says it's because he’s traditional and Armenian. He’s no Andy.

Don talks about how broken their marriage was last season and how he and Vicki are trying hard to repair it. Andy wonders why Don didn’t defend Vicki when Simon was constantly ragging on her. He mumbles some excuse. It seems he and Simon were good buds but that’s all over now.

Poor Frank, he's trying too. He's just a poor guy who makes bad choices. I think Lynne was one of them.

The bearded Slimey hasn't a clue why everyone hates him. Jim, it seems, kinda envies him. Slimey just likes to dates hot women. So sue him. He didn't even want to be on the show. Gretchen begged him. Right. Why don’t I believe that? They got together about 5 months after Jeff died. Ewwwww. He was supposed to be a good friend of Jeff's.

More Slime. Now he denies influencing Gretchen into music. And also that he and Laurie weren’t seriously dating. Liar. Liar. Liar. Laurie thought she was in a relationship. Ooooo, he looks like a caught fish.

Gretchen doesn't believe any of this. She's in love. Dickmatized maybe more like it. I caught a glimpse of little sumtin' sumtin' when they had that tanning party and he stripped nude. Hmmmm. A Gretchen and Slime wedding? He shrugs and says ya never know. She smiles, bounces and says "yay." Pure slime.

Andy wonders what a normal marriage. We see clips of the couples' commenting on the illfated Florida trip that was supposed to be an all-girls' getaway before it turned ugly. Vicki says again that it wasn’t a couples weekend and that was the problem. Is Jim that insecure? He says there's a temptation when your wife travels alone for her to be a bad girl. Someone's insecure. Tamra says if someone's gonna cheat they're going to cheat. Alexis throws out the best friends line. He's an asshole. Vicki doesn’t believe this shit.

Slime then calls Vicki out. He calls her an attention whore.

Vicki fights to keep it together, says maybe he should star on the House Husbands show. Burn! Vicki says she was told he was whoring Gretchen out, letting the paps know where they are to come take pictures. Back and forth, back and forth. Then it's pile on Vicki time again as Jim and Alexis butt in with their bull. Vicki stands up and says it’s over bitches and I’m out. But she’s not as she sits back down.

Shut up, Alexis. OMG, the work thing comes up AGAIN. And the dinner party.

Vicki, leave. I never thought I'd come to her defense but this season has really done a number on her and she's a better woman than I to hold it together and keep filming. She thinks she pretty much through with the show. For her, the thrill is gone.

SexyChattyCatty is a regular contributor at CrabbyGolightly.com where she writes on TV, America's favorite snack food.

Looking Askance At The Hairy Eyeballs Dissing Mo'Nique's Unshaved Legs

LEAVE US ALONE!

Who are we? We're women who don't shave our legs. And -- surprise -- we're even happy!

We have boyfriends and husbands and even win Oscars.

It's kinda funny that Mo'Nique keeps having to defend her hairiness to the world. I guess she, like me, grew up without that stigma. We're about the same skin color, and her legs are much hairier than mine, but I'll stand with girlfriend any day.

I remember that it took years for Nair to have a black chick in one of its commercials. The models were still all white in the '80s.

When I was young, I never thought that Nair was for me or anyone I knew. ]]> The subject was never a topic of conversation until I enrolled in a high school that was 99.5 percent white. Whereas when my 21-year-old hairy-legged daughter shaves her legs I feel she’s just fallen for the hype.

I had a friend from the neighborhood who was very, very fair-skinned and had very very dark, long black hair on her legs. Even I thought that was a little wild but she wasn’t ostracized for it and the men loved it.

The men. I guess it's cultural because I've never known a black man who cared about that sort of thing. Maybe it's changed now, there’s so much more interracial dating, but I don’t think so.

So Mo'Nique, take your hairy legs and walk on to bigger and better things, girl. I'm right there with ya.

SexyChattyCatty is a regular contributor at CrabbyGolightly.com where she writes on TV, America's favorite snack food.

Big Mike Lynche Delivers Satisfying Climax to Idol's Boys' Night

THE BOYS ROCKED HARDER LAST NIGHT ON American Idol, with "Big Mike" Lynche closing the show with a performance that made Kara cry and turned the judges' orgasmic.

But first up is Chicagoan Lee Dewyze who sings Owl City's Fireflies and sets the bar high for the night. Randy says it's a strange song choice but that Lee made it his own. Ellen likes that he made it rock. ]]> Kara says he made the song better, but all Simon gives up is that he's making progress.

Alex "Mullet" Lambert sings Elliot Smith's Trouble. I'm not a fan of Alex or his hair but I think he did a good job and I was impressed with him for once. Randy said it was a good song choice but he wasn't jumping up and down about the performance. Then Ellen booed Randy, calling him a "mushy banana." I thought she turned Paula for a minute there. Obviously she liked his performance. Kara says he's stiff and not "in the moment" and she needs that from him. Simon agreed. He sais Alex should relax by thinking about Randy in a bikini. Ewww.

Up next is Tim Urban who sings Leonard Cohen's Hallelujah. Tim's another one of my non-favorites but I thought his performance was better than it was the weeks before. Randy says he walked into some big shoes and did a good job. Ellen's critiqued the song by rushing on the stage to give Tim a hug. Kara said she thought he was going home a few weeks ago but she felt him in the song. Simon took the credit for Tim doing better tonight. He said it was his strongest performance.

Andrew Garcia sings Christina Aguilera's Genie in a Bottle. I'm not sure if that was the right song choice but I love Andy, I want him to win. Randy said it didn't work for him. Ellen said the genie came out of the bottle to late to save him. Kara said he peaked too early and she was disappointed. Simon said he sounded a little bit desperate. Ouch!

Sexy Casey James sang Keith Urban's You'll Think of Me. This wasn't a panty-dropping performance but was good. Nothing "wow." Randy thought it was a safe choice. Ellen thought it was great. Kara said it was better than last week but she's missing a spark. Simon said it was his second best performance and it's not something that will be remembered.

Aaron Kelly croons Lonestar's I'm Already There and I want to be gone. I think Aaron's a little over the top tonight. Randy thinks it was good but he has work to do. Ellen said allthough she loves him and the way he carries himself, she thinks the song is too much for him. Kara said he gave it his all but it wasn't a good song choice for him. Simon said Kara's opinion was rubbish: it was the right song, but the vocals weren't great.

Todrick Hall sings Queen's Somebody to Love. Todrick rocks the stage and I feel like I'm church who've seen the Holy Ghost. Randy loves it. Ellen calls him brave and says it sounded like a gospel song. Kara says he sang really well, and Simon gives him credit for being good in some parts of the song. He called "American Idol Broadway singer doing Queen." But he liked his attempt to perform and he thinks he's safe.

Finally "Big Mike" Lynche closes the show with Kate Bush's This Woman's World. A lot of Kate Bush's songs terrify me and the beginning of this song entails a high pitch holler that makes me quiver. Though he frightened me, Randy says he thought it was amazing and hot. Ellen says it was beautiful and the show had just begun. With tears in her eyes, Kara calls him amazing. Simon comforted Kara, then said Lynche gave the best performance of the night and of the entire live show.

I think the only guys in trouble for elimination tomorrow are Aaron and I hate to say it -- but maybe Casey.

Nicki R. is a Southern girl living in the big city of Chicago. She loves quiet evenings a home watching horror films with her dogs Jezebelle and Zombie. Check out her blog, Hey, Look Behind You!

Idol's Crystal Bowersox: Giving One Good Reason To Tune In

STAR IN THE MAKING CRYSTAL BOWERSOX BROKE THROUGH THE CATERWAULING to emerge as the one to beat in this season's American Idol.

Powerhouse Bowersox blew away the competition although some glimmers of light still flickered fromLilyly Scott and Siobhan Magnus. And Simon's already declared her the "one to beat'' for the crown.

Tonight's AI was a showdown between the eight remaining girls vying to make it to the finals. As the show opens, host Ryan Seacrest stresses that everything's riding on the night's performances. The jitters should be over, nerves left aside -- it's time for the girls to bring it or go home.

So did they bring it? Here's the breakdown: ]]> First up, Katie Stevens butchers Kelly Clarkson's Breakaway. I wanted to break away the mic from her hands. She was flat and offkey during the entire performance. If I were Kelly, I would have showed up just to slap Katie. Randy says the song didn't work for him. Ellen said it was a right song choice but she didn't "feel" the words. Kara tells her she has a great "radio" voice by which we think she means indistinguishable. Simon said she needs to figure out what kind of artist she wants to be.

Siobhan Magnus sang The Animals' House of the Rising Sun. Siobhan is one of my of picks to win it all. She poured soul into a dreary song. Randy loves that she's risky. Ellen says she's moved and calls her spectacular. Kara loves that she's unique. Simon? He wasn't a fan and calls the performance "weird."

Following right after, Lacey Brown sings Brandi Carlile's The Story. I wasn't sure if Lacey was singing or whining. If I didn't know better, I would have thought she was yelling at me in song. Randy said it was boring and sleepy but it was her best performance to-date. I think that was supposed to be a compliment. Ellen agrees with Randy. Kara thought she was effortless and brilliant. Did we listen to the same performance? Simon said he didn't love it but she sang it well.

Katelyn Epperly sings Carole King's I Feel The Earth Move. I thought it was dull and -- dare I say -- "karaoke." Randy approves the song choice but doesn't feel a connection. Ellen thinks her song choice didn't win her any points. Kara thinks she's already given up, and Simon said it sounded like local "request night."

Didi Benami sings Fleetwood Mac's Rhiannon. I love Didi's voice and I know she's not going to be THE American Idol, I still think she's one of the best of the bunch. Randy says she was a whole lot better than last week even if he lacked a "wow" moment. Kara said it was her favorite moment so far this season -- and Simon agreed. The audience cheered and I did too.

Right after Didi left the stage, Paige Miles performs Charlie Chaplin's Smile, bringing tears to the audience. I know it was a sad song but she could have pulled it together a little. All the judges agreed that it didn't work. Simon's betting she's going home and my money's on Simon.

Crystal Bowersox rocked out Tracy Chapman's Give Me One Reason. Crystal's fabulous and she lifts the mood of the entire night. Randy calls her performance hot. Ellen's near speechless and calls it the best performance of the night. Kara compliments her song choice. Simon said she was one billion percent definitely going to be in the top 12 next week. She's the one to beat.

For the final performance of the night, Lilly Scott sings Patsy Cline's I Fall To Pieces. The song's cool but her performance doesn't move me. Lilly's my other pick to win, but not with a performance like tonight's. Randy, Ellen and Kara love it, and Kara says she made Patsy Cline current. The hard-to-impress Simon calls her brave for her song choice, said the performance was ''cute'' but didn't have a "Wow" factor.

My picks for elimination: Katie Stevens, Katelyn Epperly and Paige Miles.

Tomorrow, the guys are up.

Nicki R. is a Southern girl living in the big city of Chicago. She loves quiet evenings a home watching horror films with her dogs Jezebelle and Zombie. Check out her blog, Hey, Look Behind You!

Bride Wars On RuPaul's Drag Race

YEA, YA'LL! Martha Wash is in the house.

This week, some of the queens are missing Sonique and others definitely are not. To them, it's just one mo' ho down.

The mini-challenge this week is a rap party. Oh, no, wrap. As in gift wrap. They have to gift wrap a box with one condition being they have to borrow something from someone else. Time's up in a snap, with no real drama, and Ru has a lot of fun with the word "box." "May I see your box?," she says seductively, as only Ru can.

Of course our fabulous queens turn out some amazing creations in a short time. Juju's is scented! Ru chooses Raven's black, dark and sparkly raven-topped box as the winner. They hate her.]]> Elimination challenge this week -- the dolls learn they will have to be a bride... and groom. And, shades of Top Model: Afterward they’ll have to pose for a portrait as the marrying couple.

Raven, as winner of the mini-challenge, gets to choose her wedding gown first, then assigns who gets to choose next down the line. She chooses bff Morgan first and Tatiana seethes, "Of course she’ll choose me last. She’s jealous." Maybe, but she’s right, she gets chosen last after Juju, Sahara, Jessica, Tyra and Pandora.

There's a lot of pushing and shoving of racks and flowing organza after they choose plain wedding dresses they have to tart up. Stylist Matthew Anderson makes the rounds with Ru giving the women make-up consultations. He talks oily skin with Tyra and Raven snipes that she still looks 22 because of her oily skin. Snap! He tells Pandora that she should go Goldie Hawn, hates Jessica's face (as do I) and points out her stubble. How rude! But she needs to get it together, girl, Matthew says she needs a lot more blending.

He says Sahara looks old. Ru calls Tatiana Tatty and I think I'll keep that. Matthew says her makeup's all over the place. Raven's going short and sassy with her white dress so he suggest she needs more color. Martha Wash, coming up, Sahara's excited and so am I.

The dolls are finding the groom part difficult since they're not used to getting in touch with their masculine side. Tyra cops a 'tude because everyone is stealing her idea of drawing on facial hair. Don't know if they can get it right since she looks as fab as a guy as she does as a girl.

It's time for the groom's portrait pose. Morgan goes punk, Tyra goes perfect prom date, Sahara goes military. Jessica, who's ecstatic she’s marrying herself, goes Rico Suave. "If I marrying Jessica Wild, of course, I going to be very happy," she coos.

Raven goes corporate, Tatty goes gay and Pandora does law enforcement and feels like a girl dressed as a guy.

As Tyra floats in her dress around the room, the others continue working on their dresses and talk of marriage, gay marriage in particular, and family acceptance. In the middle of all this Tyra, listening to an iPod, starts singing high and off-key. They weren't paying her enough attention I guess. Bitch is pissing Tatty off. And me too. Annoying, self-absorbed bitch. Tatty asks her to STFU and because she didn't ask politely Tyra continues to call dogs. God, diva, please. Time for her and her attitude to go home.

Bras and hose go on as they prepare to do the bridal walk down the runway. Tyra needs help, she’s got lots of little buttons on the back of her dress that need buttoning and everyone ignores her. Too bad, bitch. Sing them closed.

Ru, blonde and resplendent in beigey-violet. Okay, enough, Martha Wash is here to judge. Engines starting.

Sahara ballet dances out in toe shoes; she's getting married in a tutu, how unconventional. Morgan is Pam Anderson in a short, poofy skirt and train. Tyra is daddy’s little girl while judges call Raven’s look Paris Hilton getting married. She’s very Sandy the Danny to me. Jessica took Matthew's advice and her makeup looks a 1,000 times better. She's lost that "that’s a man, baby" look she usually has. And talk about unconventional, Tatty comes out in the only wedding dress I've ever seen with a split up the front! Easy access? Pandora looks romantic and innocent. Juju’s looking Kimora again.

Portrait time -- Juju’s looks great, the judges love it. Jessica looks weird, but Martha thinks they’re a very cute couple. But Martha also hates the large fanning over the shoulder of her dress.

Pandora’s flat again, poor girl, and Santino says her portrait has a story behind it. I don't think it’s a good one, maybe a brother-sister thing. Martha loves Tyra’s makeup as she flaunts a large, colorful bouquet and says it belonged to her dead husband.

Tatty has immunity and that's good because they all hate her clothes. Sahara’s portrait looks like she’s marrying a gay guy (my opinion, not the judges) and they hate her dress as well. Raven's portrait looks like a 16-year-old marrying an older man. But they love, love her fluffy, girly dress. Merle says she’s still packing a wallop to which Raven replies "under my skirt." Ru says her white pumps are the sign of a true hooker and she glows with happiness.

At a subtle suggestion from Ru, Tatty spills that Tyra's a complete bitch. Then they all pile on like they just couldn't wait to out this bitch. A spitting match breaks out between Tyra and Tatty so Tyra asks them, one by one, if they think she's a bitch. They all start backing off except Juju who says she’d better check herself. Ru moves them on. Shoot, that was fun.

The judges deliberate portraits, dresses and attitudes. Ru tells the contestants she won't tolerate problems with her girls. And when the votes are in, Juju and Jessica are safe. Tyra gets chewed out before finding out that she's the winner. That's Immunity and five nights at a Hyatt Villa in Palm Springs, Calif.. Not too shabby. She goes to the back of the stage and boohoos cause she thought she was going home.

Tatty's safe, immunity, ya know. Sahara’s lip syncing. Pandora is safe, Raven is safe, and of course, says she shoulda won. Morgan is nervously laughing because she know her time is up and she's singing as well. They have to sing Carry On by Martha. YES!

Sahara's been in the bottom two so much she’s got it down. She gets up on her toes and crab walks then jumps into a split off the stage and frantically dances while Ru pumps her fist urging her on to victory. Martha sings, I get chills and Sahara is so dynamic that Morgan gets no camera time at all since she’s not doing much. Of course Sahara shantes and vows to take these bitches down one by one. While Morgan sashays away. She’s still happy, XOXO bitches.

SexyChattyCatty is a regular contributor at CrabbyGolightly.com where she writes on TV, America's favorite snack food.