It's sold in packages that are marked "incense" and teamed up with all the Red Bull she scoffs down was enough to put her into a sad state of affairs.

Think about it! Since when has the fragrance of patchouli been a stimulant? Unless, and I will tread lightly here, Demi, are you smoking it to curb your appetite? Even being a full-fledged card-carrying member of The Eating Disorder Club, I know nothing of the benefits of Patchouli for anorexia and bulimia.

The 911 operator might have been right when she told them not to give you any food while you were convulsing. By the way was anorexic Rachel Zoe the 911 operator dishing out that no food rule? It’s also time to shed those high school drugs, Demi, and move on to adult ones. Bath salts and potpourri are just not age appropriate unless you got a special on it at Michaels.

You should take a good look at yourself in the mirror right now. Nothing will be finer than a few cheeseburgers in a diner when you feel better. You are definitely taking over Maria Shriver’s Skeletor look and honestly it’s not really looking good on you. I also heard that Ashton and Bruce Willis splurged together and sent you a 1-800-Flowers ‘number’ and the card said what? (Know the details? Send me an email!)

“Hope Demi recovers fast!”

Now wasn’t that special! Kick both these men to the curb and quickly! Ashton’s cheating and immaturity was one hard blow and believe me both of them are worth way less than Two and a Half Men!

Demi, did you know that your film G. I. Jane got me through some tough times and when I had a bad day I would tell someone to go "suck on it"? Now I hear you have turned down a part due to illness in the upcoming Linda Lovelace film. That’s a shame: who's going to ‘suck on’ that role now?


Linda Seccaspina loves snark and scandal and can't wait for Beyonce to get busted for faking her pregnancy. She writes regularly for the dating site Zoomers. Follow her on Twitter @@Mcpheeeeee.