DEAD EYES

Real Housewives Of New Jersey Reunion: The Kids Aren't Alright

By Sexy Chatty Catty

I'VE ONLY GLANCED AT THE JERSEY HOUSEWIVES this season. I even blew off the Danielle-Caroline showdown last week. I thought it'd pretty much go like this:

Caroline: Stay away from my family! You're garbage... the kind of garbage that needs to be put into a garbage can and then hauled away in a dump truck and shipped to Manila.

Danielle: How DARE you judge me!

Then I saw the commercials for the reunion show with Teresa shoving Andy back into his chair and yelling into Danielle's face and well, who could resist? So, here goes:

OOOOOO, they convene at the Borgata in Atlantic City! I've been there. It’s a beautiful casino and one time they had these living statues that were so good. I spent a good hour watching folks get startled when they would suddenly move. Good times.

Caroline's lost weight; Andy congratulates Danielle on her new record. Teresa hates Jersey Shore because of the loose morals although she constantly talks about porking Joe. She gets right into digging into Danielle, accusing her of sleeping with Steve after only knowing him a week. And they did it at Teresa’s shore house with her kids hearing her have sex. Teresa calls her a pig and desperate. They both deny they were ever friends.

Andy lightens the mood by showing clips of Jersey dialects. Especially Danielle’s weird pronunciation of women as well, women. She says it's been pointed out to her. Andy can't get her to understand that the plural is whe-men.

“

Andy, shit-starter that he is, brings up Danielle's remark about her kids wearing lace and crinoline while Teresa's kids wear leopard

”

Then it's babies and mommas with Jacqueline and Teresa. We get a glimpse of the departed Dina, godmother to Teresa's new baby girl. Oh yummy: Barbara from Syracuse asks why Danielle didn’t call Jacqueline and congratulate her on her new baby, and she says she read in a tabloid that Jacqueline didn’t want her too. What? You read?

Jacqueline says that’s false and they go back and forth over it. Then Danielle...congratulates her. A little late, sister.

Where are the fireworks? I’m getting bored, Andy. Gimme a spark or something. Andy wonders why Dina left and Teresa says it was Danielle.

OK, here we go. Something about an accusation at the last reunion that Danielle did something to Dina. Danielle says people said she tried to get Dina's daughter away from her. She vehemently denies it. After some attorney talk Caroline says OK, Dina talk is OVA. Done. Now. Then the crosstalk begins with Caroline yelling, “Do not talk about my sister!”

We find out Danielle had her attorney serve Dina with a gag order to stop her from talking about her. Jacqueline gets pissed and says they know a lot more than Danielle is telling, that Dina is not her and Danielle needs to shut her mouth.

Teresa gets in it, talking about Danielle not congratulating Jacqueline, when Danielle innocently says, “Did you acknowledge your nephew?” Teresa’s eyes get real big and she says, of course she did. “Uh huh,” Danielle replies and then Teresa fucking loses it. She gets up, goes over, bends down and yells directly in Danielle’s face, "DO NOT BRING UP MY FAMILY." Twice. Danielle gets up and saunters offstage while Teresa continues yelling, calling Danielle all kinds of names, bitch, piece of garbage, bitch, pig. She stares straight ahead, mumbling “she is, she is... she is...” Caroline and Andy grab her and try to calm her down. She's already pushed Andy back down in his seat. OK, this is what I’m talking about. Ladies gettin' crazy.

We come back from the commercial with Teresa still yelling that Danielle's a piece of garbage and how dare she!. Danielle plays victim: “They can lie and say anything they want about me..." and says Teresa didn’t acknowledge her nephew. Danielle threatens to leave if Teresa gets up again, while Teresa calls her chickenshit and tells Andy to get her ass back on that stage. Andy makes her promise to stay in her seat.

Backstage Danielle, crying, is getting her hair and makeup fixed. The producers comfort Danielle and one recites a mantra: "Amazing things, amazing things." WTF.

Andy tells Teresa she doesn't know her own strength. She must be really strong since she threw him back into his seat when he rose to restrain her. Danielle prepares to return. To bring the level down, Andy turns the talk to fertility doctors but somehow Danielle turned Jacqueline's experience with that to shit as well. Caroline says Next. I agree.

There was a poll: everyone loves Caroline, hates Danielle. Danielle doesn't care. We see Manzo family antics: Caroline and Albert at a romantic dinner, her grown kids throwing ham at each other, the empty nest, Albie’s dyslexia, blah, blah, blah. Caroline’s in tears... they’re her babies and she loves them.

A viewer asks Danielle if she's living through her kids. Andy asks if she's a stage mom and, of course, she absolutely denies both facts. OK, now clips and catty remarks about everyone’s kids. Danielle's daughter can’t sing but she’s just a little kid. And Danielle forced her on-stage. Then Andy, shit-starter that he is, brings up Danielle's remark about her kids wearing lace and crinoline while Teresa's kids wear leopard. Then she said her dogs wear leopard. That was harsh. Some back and forth with Teresa ensues but Danielle remains strangely calm. Even when Caroline said Danielle was equating kids to animals.

Caroline notes Danielle's kids have no light in their eyes, that their childhood innocence is not there and she’s 100% correct. Both are dead-eyed most of the time; that is when they’re not getting up to leave a room in embarrassment. Jacqueline asks Danielle if she knows her kids cry every day at school, and are always in the nurse's office, all because of rumors and teasing from other kids. Danielle is taken aback by that but pretty much dismisses it as, 'Oh, those things happen to kids, they're teens and tweens. She still doesn't get it.

Andy brings up my pet peeve about Danielle sharing too much of her personal, grown up life with her kids. To her credit, she admits that may be true to a certain extent.

A viewer praises Teresa's cookbook. Another brings up the yellow sapphire (we all thought it was a diamond, see how much we know about the big hardware? Nothing, LOL) Joe bought for her birthday and that led to their money woes. Clips of big spending by the Guidice family. A mention of Joe's DUI. Now the big question from Kathy in Chicago: Is the big, new house in foreclosure? She flatly denies it, then says her family is all that matters. Andy doesn't quit, citing the Post story that they’re $11 mil in debt. She asks him if he believes everything her reads. But the bankruptcy is real. She says Joe didn’t let her know their financial situation and if he had it would’ve made a difference in her spending. But it’s brought them closer together. Awwww.

How 'bout that furniture auction that’s online? I’ve seen it but she hasn’t. See, it’s negative and she’s keeping that stuff out. She does the old “we’ve been poor and we’ll climb up again” speech. Oh, and Joe’s DUI wasn't because he was drunk, he was tired. But it’s still classified as a DUI.

Danielle rolls her eyes at that story and says she finds it weird that he got wasted after the accident. Teresa says he was “shooken up” and just had a few shots. Ha. Mercifully, the trip to Italy was short.

Andy asks Danielle if she's a troublemaker and she says she has moments. There's clips of Danielle so we can judge if she’s a victim or a villain. The sex tape, the stripping lesson, chatting with Danny the jailbird, hanging with Kim G, the praying for those who’ve done her wrong. Now it’s Caroline’s turn to do the eye-rolling.

Andy wonders why the hell she's hanging with Danny. The girls say she had an affair with him and Danielle says she just tapes with him and that's it, nothing more, nothing less. She just knows he’s got her back. Or he does her from the back or something.

Florida wants to know why Danielle's always crying about her house falling down around her but she threw a huge Sweet 16 party and hires bodyguards. Well, she says the party was covered by donations and was a fund-raiser for Cystic Fibrosis. She didn't pay for anything. And instead of saying she’s "cel-e-bate," she calls herself a born-again virgin.

Then Lori Michaels name comes up and the innuendo that they’re doing it. Lori is backstage tonight but they wouldn’t let her comfort Danielle when she walked off in a huff earlier. Danielle says she’s with Lori every day, but is cryptic when Andy asks if she's swimming in the lady pond. She’s spouts off about how she’s edited and Caroline calls that a bullshit copout.

Andy throws out there that Danielle called Caroline a bully, said that Caroline seems jealous and that she wouldn't have gotten too many dollars on the pole. Caroline comes back at her with her long marriage and loving husband and family. Danielle says bless you. In other words, fuck you.

Onto to legal woes. Steve's suing her for defamation and she says she's not making money on the second sex tape online now. Says someone came to her and asked for money to not release the tape. That's all bullshit because you have to sign consent documents for all porn movies. It was so consensual.

Jacqueline saw it and, laughing, says it looks to her like it was done on purpose and it's bad porn. Then there's debate on when the tape was done, blah, blah.

Teresa questions the example she's setting for her kids and they start, once again, screaming at each other.

Danielle tries to explain away the sex tape and says she doesn't show her kids every show episode. Andy says but what about the Internet and school? Well, she tells them she isn’t proud of everything she’s done but she must be a good mother 'cause her kids are amazing. I’m sorry, Danielle, no thanks to you. They all accuse her of not being able to shield her kids from all her nonsense. Danielle says she’s loved by her kids' friends and their parents and Caroline sarcastically...claps and accuses her of avoiding her question of how her daughters know so much about what Caroline says about them.

Jeff from Maine comments that Danielle always accuses Caroline of being in the mob but points out she has mob friends and a clothing line that’s called Danielle's Mafia. She says mafia just means her friends and supporters. Caroline just shakes her head and asks for her autograph cause she's the best fricking mother, the best friend a person could have. Says Danielle's fucking amazing, just perfect. She looks like she needs a drink.

Clips of the Brownstone confrontation when Danielle, Kim and the Hells Angels goons bum-rushed the elite venue. Kim G swanning around, Danny the con walking around swearing like a sailor. No table for them. So embarrassing -- and the father of the sick kid said Danielle didn't give a penny yet. Of course, she denies that. Caroline tells her to buckle up and that if she wants to go, they're gonna go, damn deadbeat. She stands up for her family and the Brownstone and tells Danielle she's a fool.

Next week, Jacqueline gets up and looks ready to physically kick Danielle's ass. And, oh goody, my fan favorite, Kim G., worms her way into the second half of the screamfest, looking fab as usual. I'm gonna have to watch.

SexyChattyCatty is a regular contributor at CrabbyGolightly.com where she frequently writes on TV, America's favorite snack food.

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August 31, 2010

IT'S IN THE BAG

Mad Men & Women Rack Up Assorted Trophys

By Miz J

SERIOUSLY, IT MUST BE SAID: Christina Hendricks is clearly looking to score with those enormous knockers of hers. They're on display like a trophy, and I bet those Honda execs would agree with me.

And while they're no Clios, the cast and writers of Mad Men managed to nab a couple Emmys Sunday night:

Matthew Weiner and Erin Levy won for Outstanding Writing For A Drama Series and the series nabbed the big trophy for Outstanding Drama Series for the third straight year.

Also, thank you, Betty White for uh, hamming it up with Jon Hamm. If you’re both on stage, I’m one happy broad. I love this cast, and the writing is superb, so here’s to at least two more incredible seasons before TV sucks again.

Miz J blogs at Ask Miz J.

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STALKING NEW TERRITORY

Tiger Woods: 'I'll Take Manhattan'

By Elizabeth C.

THE WORLD'S PLAYGROUND JUST GOT ANOTHER PLAYA: US Mag is reporting that Tiger Woods has snapped up a condo in downtown Manhattan, and some are assuming it's to be closer to his No. 1 mistress, Rachel Uchitel.

And If TMZ can be believed, the serial husband stealer is reportedly keeping her fingers crossed -- if not legs -- that Tiger comes hunting again.

Just days after Tiger's divorce was finalized, Rachel ALLEGEDLY blathered: "I feel horrible for him. He loved Elin. But he was in love with me. I hope he remembers that was real, and reaches out to me. I’d give up everything to be with him again.”

By which we think she means ransoming off her latest alleged tryst, kidnap victim Jeremy London. Either that, or give up the whispered $10 million she pocketed for keeping Tiger's sexual peccadilloes on the low-down.

And if Ti returns to his once forbidden conquest, he wouldn't be the first guy. Brad Pitt threw over Jennifer Aniston for Angelina and doesn't seem the worse off for it, save for the scraggly beard he was wearing for a while. And Prince Charles married the slut with whom he cheated on the Princess Diana of England.

In a world in which truth is often stranger than fiction, anything's possible. Look out, paps.

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LIBERATION THEOLOGY

Mad Men Recap: The Lost Weekend

By Miz J

WITH ALL ITS BOOZING AND TIME TRAVEL, LAST NIGHT'S "Waldorf Stories" gave me vertigo.

Everything kicks off with Don and Peggy looking at Jane's cousin's portfolio, and man, it's a stinker. Every headline is "BRAND NAME, the cure for the common PRODUCT." The book features different products, but the same headline a hundred times.

And then some great ads the kid pulled out of magazines for "inspiration."

Since the kid's exhibiting poor professional form all around, Don and Peggy don't give his book a second thought. Well, Peggy doesn't. Don, however, is experiencing a bit of nostalgia for his early days under Roger's drunken wing. Meanwhile, Roger, with no real work to do, props his wingtips up on his groovy mod desk and records priceless bits of Ogilvy on Advertising-type wisdom. That is to say, it's completely dry, and nothing he spews into that microphone is nearly as good as his wobbly, boozy one-liners. Which is a shame. Someone should make those into a book. I mean, really, when I heard "My favorite flavor of ice cream was chocolate, but my mother would only let us get vanilla because it was the only flavor that wouldn't stain anything,” I wanted to cry. And then help my SELF to a Canadian Club. But I digress.

In the midst of all this somewhat inane reminiscing, the Mad Men discover that SCDP is up for a Clio, a prestigious industry award (well, at it was until 1991, anyway). And while Peggy's ecstatic (the winning ad was partly her idea), Don is sort of meh about it. Typical. Peggy gets a little something and Don has to take it away.

Except for that braying jackass Stan, that is. Peggy's new partner is a chain-smoking ball of obnoxiousness. And since he can't seem to "get liberated" enough to come up with some fucking layouts, they've got to work the weekend. And of course, Peggy won't be going to the Clio ceremony. That's reserved for Don, who goes, wins, and comes back to the office to flex his bravado muscles for the Life Cereal people, selling them the slogan he saw in that awful book earlier in the day. Drunkenly reasoning that his work here is done, and that he is, indeed, the MAN, Don then proceeds to go on the bender to end all benders, actually leaving the Clio statuette behind at some bar.

Roger, although himself completely trashed, still manages to keep his shit together long enough to rescue the statue from some dicey situation near a urinal or in an alley, or wherever Don's been finding himself waking up lately. But, before you think, “Whoa, that’s pretty fucked up,” consider that Duck, at the beginning of the ceremony, was so plastered that he actually heckled the emcee.

So, that’s all Friday evening. Friday night, Don does the following, based on what we (and HE) can piece together:

At this point, Peggy has to GO TO DON’S APARTMENT to get him to reconsider (or at least pay for) that kid’s headline. It’s been a rough weekend for her too: Stan’s a total dick, insulting her body, her relationship with Don, and her talent as a writer before whining some more about how he needs to “get liberated” to do any real work. Apparently this means “get naked,” and that’s what Peggy does, because she’s sick of being stuck in that room with him while he’s just plain stuck for ideas. Being called out like that isn’t doing Stan too many favors. First, he’s wearing the longest pair of briefs I’ve ever seen, and secondly, he pops a boner almost immediately, which Peggy has endless fun taunting. And who can blame her? It’s the only thing she’s got in her arsenal; these men are doing everything they can to hold her back. The least she can do is call a tiny penis like she sees it.

Elsewhere in the groovy halls of SCDP, Pete hears that Cosgrove is probably joining the agency, and of course, this incenses him. He asserts himself as a partner at the firm, and tells Cosgrove that he needs to ensure that Cosgrove will “take direction accordingly.” Then he tries to make some awkward small talk. It’s classic Pete. And I love the tension between him and Ken.

As Don’s drinking problem becomes more and more apparent to everyone around him, he remains oblivious. And nostalgic. In this episode, we learn that Roger met Don while shopping for a mink for Joan. Roger spies an ad Don did for the fur store, and Don sends him off with the mink and his portfolio. Roger rebuffs him. Don shows up at the office. Roger rebuffs him again. Don offers to take him for a drink. “It’s 10AM,” Roger says. Cut to the bar. A few boozy hours later, Don’s hired and the two wobble out to the city streets. It’s the start of a beautiful relationship.

Or ugly. It depends on your point of view.

Miz J blogs at Ask Miz J.

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August 30, 2010

WINNER

In Spirit Of Sue Sylvester, Jane Lynch Wins Emmy Trophy

By Elizabeth C.

SUE SYLVESTER MIGHT HAVE HAD TO BULLY HER WAY INTO THE 2010 Emmy opening, but her alter ego Jane Lynch was one of the belles at the ball.

Chicago native Lynch won Best Supporting Actress in a Comedy for her portrayal of the ruthless cheerleading coach on Glee whose modus operandi is win at any cost.

Even though this was her first Emmy win, Lynch confidently took the stage and exclaimed, "Thank you so much. This is outlaaaaandish!" with South Side snap.

Lynch then thanked her parents "on the South Side of Chicago for raising us -- yeah! South Side! -- for raising us to the sounds of musical theater and being so unintentionally hilarious. And I want to share this with my fellow nominees. I'm a fan of all of you. And, this is, I, uh, I love being an actor. I love being an actor among actors. I love being an ensemble."

She went on to say, "I have to thank my lord and creator ['Glee' mastermind] Ryan Murphy for creating this role of a lifetime and the cast who are so young and fresh-faced, and when I'm not seething with jealousy, I'm so proud of you."

Lynch also sent out thanks to her wife, Dr. Lara Embry, whom she married Memorial Day in Massachusetts, and her step daughter Hayden. Here's the clip:

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BEST JOKE

Ricky Gervais Gets Biggest Laugh At 2010 Emmy Awards

By Elizabeth C.

THE 2010 PRIMETIME EMMYS OPENED WITH A BANG but quickly fell into a drone of dull. Thank god for Ricky Gervais who snapped the audience to attention with his zinger at Mel Gibson's expense. Here's the bulk of his words with clip:

"Hello. Me again. I’m going keep it short and sweet this time. I’m clean. I’m saving all the really offensive stuff for the Golden Globes. They’re all drunk anyway. Not here. No drink here. No drink at the Emmys. No beer, not even backstage. …What’d think is gonna happen? Really that we’re all going to go mental and smack someone’s head? What! What!

There’s no one scary here really. I’ve seen people here cry when they break a fingernail. So no one's going to kick off. There’s no tough guys. There’s no Russell Crowe. He wouldn’t be seen dead here. It's TV. Or Christian Bale, same. Kiefer's got a few more hours before he gets messy as well. Mel Gibson? Come on, No, come on. I’m not going to have a go at him. He’s been through a lot. Not as much as the Jews, to be fair."

Gervais then asks, 'Who wants a beer, who wants a beer?' while waiters deliver bottles of brew a few takers in the front rows. "The Office is in syndication so those are on me." Matthew Perry is conspicuously seen waving off the offer away.

Then it's back to Gervais introducing the nominees for best director of a variety, musical or comedy event. "I hope it’s Bucky Gunts because I didn’t know you could say that on television,'' he said. Moments later, Bucky Gunts won the Emmy for his direction of the 2010 Vancouver Olympics.

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BORN TO GLEEK

It's On, Bitches! A 'Gleeful' Opening To The 2010 Primetime Emmys

By Elizabeth C.

FOR A LITTLE WHILE DURING THE BROADCAST OF THE 2010 PRIMETIME EMMYS, host Jimmy Fallon showed just who was boss.

The annual tribute to the small screen's best performances opened with a Glee inspired song-and-dance that capitalized on the night's biggest names and most nominated shows while allowing TV's pariah Kate Gosselin to poke fun at herself.

In the video skit, those poor Glee kids can't scrape up the cash for entry to the Emmys. That is until Fallon points out a sign for a glee club competition which sets them on the task of recruiting Mad Men'sJon Hamm and 30 Rock's Tina Fey while Glee's Sue Lynch bullies her way into the gig.

The collected ensemble including four Glee high schoolers then deliver a joyful version of Bruce Springsteen's Born To Run that opens the night on a high note.

Alas, as the night wears on, the show's energy fizzles leaving viewers wanting to...run.

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SAY CHEESE

Paris Hilton's Arrest: What Happens In Vegas Doesn't Stay In Vegas

By Madi S.

THE WORLD LOVES CELEBRITY MUGSHOTS and Paris Hilton knows that.

After being dumped by the paparazzi who made Lindsay Lohan the queen of the tabloids, Paris Hilton's now back to earning headlines with her new arrest for possessing 'coke.' Only now we can add 'dumbest criminal' to her heiress title.

The story of her Friday night bust in Las Vegas goes like this: A police officer smelled marijuana (huh?) coming from the Cadillac Escalade that Paris' boyfriend Cy Waits was driving. The cop pulled the SUV over and busted the couple. Because people and paps were gathering, Paris asked the P.O. to move the arrest inside the nearby Wynn hotel. The officer kindly complied with her request.

That's where "Miss Hilton pulled out a tube of lip balm," police Sgt. John Sheahan said. "At the same time ... a bindle of cocaine in a plastic bag came out of her purse" in plain view of police.

Paris's latest pop comes just a few months after she was arrested for marijuana possession in South Africa but that case was dropped when a friend claimed the pot was hers.

In 2007 she served 23 days in jail after she was arrested for alcohol-related reckless driving. Paris told Larry King that the experience made her re-evaluate the partying in her life and that she wanted to make good deeds, like "to help raise money for kids and for breast cancer and multiple sclerosis." But that is soooo three years ago!!!! And as LiLo proves, crime really does pay. So work it, girl!

Paris Hilton is back to her good-old partying ways!

Madi S. is mom to two kids and three cats. She loves pop culture news, movies, fashion, travel, reading and observing the world.

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August 29, 2010

SEX VS. FOOD

Nutrisystem Asks a Weighty Question, Gets Whack Response

By Avoine Sauvage

ONE OF MY FAVORITE GAMES IS "WOULD YOU RATHER..."

Would you rather...Have skin so oily you constantly have to be toweling, or skin so dry you constantly have to apply lotion?

Would you rather...eat a tube of toothpaste or use mouthwash for eyedrops?

Would you rather...Have penises for fingers or vaginas for palms?

It's a conversational staple when other topics fail.

Nutrisystem (the producers of artificial pre-packaged weight loss food for people who are too lazy to cook healthy meals for themselves) recently asked 1,000 people their own "Would You Rather..."

They asked: "Would you rather gain 10 pounds or give up sex for the summer?” Half of the women questioned said they would opt out of sex, compared to only a quarter of the men.

Shit's whack. When given the choice of aesthetics or sensuality, I’ll always opt for the latter. That said, I do try to watch the ol' figure (sort of).

Why? There are two reasons.

1) I want to live a long, healthy life.

2) I want to get laid.

Since this is a sex column, I'll spare you my holistic-earth-mother nutrition lecture. We'll focus on reason number two for eating healthily. I wanna get some, and let's face it, getting some is a whole lot easier when you're not bloated.

That said, there is a market for everything. My ex-fiance, for example, liked when I was a bit chubby. When things with him began to turn sour, though, I got off on my depression-suppressed appetite and foraged through bouts of bulimia. He relished my curves and even my roly-poly belly. I was comfortable gaining weight when I was with him, but without him I was afraid that no one else would want to sleep with me.

I've always been larger than most of my friends, and dealt with the same insecurities as most young women. However (excluding the era of the broken engagement), I've always been confident enough to feel sexy, act flirtatious, and find people who were attracted to me.

And even when I was eating my first bite of solid food after being awake for eight whole hours and then sometimes barfing it back up, I would still choose sex over weight loss. And preferably, I'd choose sex with someone who likes a grown-ass woman with some luscious curves 'n stuff.

After all, they're called "love handles" for a reason.

What's your pleasure? Got a problem? Write to Avoine at AvoineSauvage@CrabbyGolightly.com

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August 28, 2010

HOLD OUT

Rod Blagojevich's Lone Jurory Holdout: I've Been Mistreated

By Elizabeth C.

THE 67-YEAR-OLD GRANDMA WHO WAS THE LONE HOLDOUT against convicting Rod Blagojevich of trying to sell President Obama's former senate seat was yelled at and belittled by other jurors.

But JoAnn Chiakulas says she's no Blagojevich apologist -- the prosecution just didn't make its case.

"I could never live with myself if I went along with the rest of the jury," Chiakulas told the Chicago Tribune. "I didn't believe it was the correct vote for me."

Chiakulas said the conflict while deliberating gave her stomach pain that kept her awake at night. But she was unprepared for the frenzied speculation about her after a mistrial was declared, and one fellow juror said Chiakulas was “thrown under the bus.”

It was something that I took seriously and didn't ask for," she said. "And then to be treated the way I've been treated, it makes me wonder about being a juror and the system itself."

Blagojevich publicly thanked Chiakulas for her resolve, but she said, “I didn't do it for him."

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August 27, 2010

TEMPORARILY PARALYZED

With Tiger Woods' Divorce Final, Can The 'Superman' Recapture His Power?

By Elizabeth C.

THE AIR OF INVINCIBILITY IS GONE FROM TIGER WOODS' DEMEANOR. Emotional kryptonite has neutralized this superman's powers.

In his press conference Wednesday, Tiger still used the controlled tones of a man who thinks before he speaks, but the swagger was gone.

"I wish her the best in everything," he said of his former wife Elin Nordegren. "It's a sad time in our lives. And we're looking forward to how we can help our kids the best way we possibly can. And that's the most important thing."

5 Tips For Tiger Before He Roars Back To The (Dating) Game

Despite His Masterful Performance, Reason To Doubt Tiger's Sincerity

Tiger Woods Faces Long Recovery From Playing With Sexual Napalm

When asked if he felt relief over his finalized divorce, Tiiger responded, "I don't think that's the word. I think it's just more sadness. Because I don't think you ever – you don't ever go into a marriage looking to get divorced."

He wisely avoided answering the question of whether he still loves Elin. Because the answer isn't a simple yes-or-no.

Could he ever stop loving the gorgeous woman with whom he's fathered two children?

Could he have ever loved Elin at all to have disgraced her with his kinky extramarital hijinks? It’ll take a lifetime to unravel the mystery.

The divorce is over, the emotional damage is done.

Now Tiger turns to saving his relationship with his one and only true love -- golf.

It isn't clear he can revive this mightly romance for the ages.

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August 26, 2010

'MAD' SYNERGY

Christina Hendricks Is London Fog's Fairest Weather Friend

By Elizabeth C.

IN A WAY, JOAN HOLLOWAY IS THE PERFECT metaphor for the London Fog brand: a snappy secret weapon you want handy during storms.

And so the iconic outerwear label smartly chooses Mad Men's Christina Hendricks to feature in its fall campaign.

"London Fog is a classic brand, which I love," Hendricks coos on command.

“It also ties into Mad Men, we used London Fog in the show and this was a nice way to tie everything together.

"The trench is such an iconic shape for men and women. It works for anyone -- it worked in the 1960s and it works now."

You see how effortless that was? Christina delivered her message right on cue. Just like a real Mad woman.

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August 25, 2010

PLAYAS WANNA PLAY

Speidi To World: Supersize My Fame!

By Madi S.

IN A DESPERATE MOVE TO PROLONG THEIR 15 MINUTES ON THE WORLD'S STAGE, The Hills' stars Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt keep spawning dramas for the tabloids.

After Heidi announced that she plans divorcing her husband of one year, Spencer fired back, telling TMZ that he has a sex tape of Heidi that he'll release if she doesn't halt the proceedings.

The alleged sex tape features not just Spencer and Heidi, but Heidi and Karissa Shannon, half of the twin set that used to hook up with Hugh Hefner.

The faux drama continues with estranged husband and wife now snapped together in Costa Rica, where they reportedly fled to 'reconcile.'

"We're working things through," Spencer told MTV News. "Clearly I care for her, but the divorce is a superficial title 'cause I didn't cheat on her. And then she divorces me to clean her image."

Not only does Heidi want to clean her image but also her body.

She gave an interview to Life & Style saying she's still in severe pain from her many procedures and that she feels "trapped" in her body. She wants her G-cup implants out.

Heidi's latest pronouncement comes just a week after her plastic surgeon Dr. Frank Ryan died in a car crash. She told Life& Style that besides not being able to hug her dogs she can't live a normal life.

"I'm obsessed with fitness but it's impossible to work out with these boobs," she says. "It's heartbreaking. I can't live an everyday life."

The alleged sex tape features not just Spencer and Heidi, but Heidi and Karissa Shannon, half of the twin set that used to hook up with Hugh Hefner.

The faux drama continues with estranged husband and wife now snapped together in Costa Rica, where they reportedly fled to 'reconcile.'

"We're working things through," Spencer told MTV News. "Clearly I care for her, but the divorce is a superficial title 'cause I didn't cheat on her. And then she divorces me to clean her image."

Not only does Heidi want to clean her image but also her body.

She gave an interview to Life & Style saying she's still in severe pain from her many procedures and that she feels "trapped" in her body. She wants her G-cup implants out.

Heidi's latest pronouncement comes just a week after her plastic surgeon Dr. Frank Ryan died in a car crash. She told Life& Style that besides not being able to hug her dogs she can't live a normal life.

"I'm obsessed with fitness but it's impossible to work out with these boobs," she says. "It's heartbreaking. I can't live an everyday life."

Madi S. is mom to two kids and three cats. She loves pop culture news, movies, fashion, travel, reading and observing the world.

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UNFORGETTABLE

A Lion Sleeps Tonight: Songwriter David George Weiss Dies At 89

By Staff

ANYBODY WHO CAME OF AGE IN THE '60S AND '70S KNOWS the rhythmic "A-wimoweh, A-wimoweh, A-wimoweh, A-wimoweh" of one of David George Weiss's greatest hits.

The songwriter wrote Lion Sleeps Tonight in 1961 and it became a hit for the Tokens, then subsequently was covered by Robert John, Brian Eno as well as being featured in The Lion King.

"The song leads a magical life,'' Weiss one remarked.

He based it on the African song Mbube.

I did some research and found out that the chant was connected to the lion,” Weiss said. “So I began to think and I came up with the notion that the darn lion was sleeping tonight and nobody had to worry. And I incorporated the chant into the song and wrote some melodies and counter melodies.”

The song was but one of several written by Weiss' that became part of America's permanent soundtrack. He also penned Elvis Presley's Can’t Help Falling In Love, and Louie Armstrong's What a Wonderful World.

In 1984, Weiss inducted into the Songwriters Hall of Fame.

He died Monday of natural causes in his Oldwick, N.J. home.

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August 24, 2010

SOBER REALITY

Five Tips For Tiger Woods Before He Roars Back To The (Dating) Game

By Elizabeth C.

AS TIGER WOODS TRIES TO GET HIS GROOVE BACK ON THE GOLF GREENS, WE PREDICT IT WON'T BE AS HARD for him to return to playing the dating game.

TMZ already's quoting somebody saying that Rachel Uchitel's recalibrating her sight back in his direction, though I'm not sure that'll work if the fallen golf god really did pay her a reported $10 million to keep her mouth zipped.

There's something pathetic about Tiger now knowing that millions of dollars, a beautiful wife and two beautiful kids weren't enough to fill his leaky soul.

Now that he's officially back on the market, here's some advice for the playboy:

1. Wear condoms, unless you want a few more babies from whom you spend the rest of your life estranged.

2. Keep in mind that your new wife will be the same as the old wife: wanting commitment, children, financial security. It's the worst joke of all on the man who yearned for greener grass.

3. Remember that you’ve got to pay to play. You’re about to be bombarded by every type of woman: skinny, fat, black, white, honest, player – all of whom will want to live a life of luxury with you. One way or another, each one of them will own a piece of you.

4. Honesty really is the best policy. Ti, you’ve lost the PR war. It’s over. No one will take you at your word again. The only way back is by keeping things real, getting in the habit of telling the truth.

5. Nothing is ever really forgotten or forgiven. Try to be a better person, to be less selfish, as you go forward and rebuild your life.

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MODEL MUSE

Style Counsel: Tavi Gevinson Plays Dress-Up With Christine Staub

By Elizabeth C.

WEARING THE STUDIED GRIMNESS THAT IS DE RIGUEUR of fashion's sirens, Christine Staub makes her print debut in the September issue of Blackbook.

Staub is the teenage daughter of a certain debauched N.J. housewife rumored to have released her own home-grown porn. But for the sake of the woman-child, we'll not name her here.

Rather, let's praise the young Staub who convinces in this shoot styled by fashion prodigy Tavi Gevinson that she is model material.

While New York magazine aptly writes that the spread has Tavi's "signature 'hanging out by the aluminum siding at 4 on a sunny afternoon feel,' " there's also a beguiling sophistication to the pictures, and to Staub's modern languid poses.

That the anointed and intelligent Tavi is around could bode well for the younger Staub. Fingers crossed that after enduring her mother's shame, Christine's not so needy or so ill-guided that she becomes yet another fashion victim.

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August 23, 2010

PLAYING 'CAT' & MOUSE

Real Housewives Of D.C. Recap: Be Careful What You Wish For

By Sexy Chatty Catty

IN HER PICTURE PERFECT HOUSE, CAT'S WORKING WITH HER BOOK EDITOR ON HER BIOGRAPHY.

She's dressed casually but wearing a necklace that looks like it weighs a ton and costs a fortune, all heavy and sparkly and pink. It's quite beautiful, as is Cat.

Stacie and husband Jason are visiting friends who own a winery. She's quite the name dropper/social climber, telling us that their friends' wine was served at a White House dinner. Everyone's in jeans until the Salahis arrive by limo all glammed out. They bring a bottle from their (his family's) winery and can't wait to taste the host's wine. Tareq's all wine knowledge blah blah blah, as Stacie and Jason stare and nod.

Later, since it's D.C., they talk about Obama’s policies and Michaele rambles on about Republicans and Democrats and Obama bringing together the red white and blue. To which Jason says, “Say what?” He thinks Michaele just likes to talk and look pretty.

Stacie and Jason are leaving in three days for Paris. Jason's brother is apparently a rapping sensation there and they're attending his record release party. They invite the Salahis, who tell them be careful what they ask for, that they're very 'spur of the moment' people. Stacie tells us that if the Salahis can go to Paris with three days notice, then they are really big ballers.

Meanwhile, Lynda and Mary get together at a fashion show. Lynda tells Mary that Michaele got in her face because she heard Lynda said she needed to eat a cheeseburger. It's her health Lynda’s concerned about... Really?

They trash Michaele some more, saying she used to be 10 pounds heavier and had a beautiful soul that’s being suffocated by Tareq’s boisterous behavior. That meanie, bestowing all kinds of clothing and handbags and shoes on poor Michaele, virtually suffocating the girl in goods.

Stacie and Jason pack for Paris. Big ballers Tareq and Michaele pack for Paris. It's a weekend trip and he wants her to pack a valise while she wants three suitcases or at least two and a half. Jason tells Stacie he thought for sure they were bullshitting about going but thinks the foursome will have a great time.

Lynda chats with Cat about her book. Since Lynda runs a modeling agency she invited Cat over to talk about shooting the cover. Cat talks in that kinda low, proper, drunken slurry British accent that's both annoying and sexy at the same time. Meanwhile Mary’s having lunch with husband Rich, telling him she wants to have a party to introduce hairdresser Ted Gibson to Washington Society. She’s invited everyone and hoped for the best. They both agree that Michaele being all in Lynda’s face at Paul’s party was inappropriate.

There's a family moment at Cat’s with her kids and husband Charles. the photographer, gathered in the family room. He announces he’s going to New York to shoot something for Goldman Sachs and she’s disappointed that he won’t around to shoot her for her book cover.

She’s also annoyed that he’s not more sympathetic to her busy schedule. He is not... at all. She says, and one of the girls echoes, that while he’s been “swanning around,” she’s been trying to meet a deadline. He’s offended, and rightly so, at the “swanning around” crack. After all, he’s been working where as she’s been writing a book that may or may not sell. See, Jason was right, Cat’s just a bitch.

Paul Wharton meets with his publicist for the buzz on his party. She tells him that Michaele’s attorney has called and wants Paul to put in writing that Tareq and Michaele will not be responsible to pay for Paul’s birthday party. They had threatened not to come until the letter was signed. So... they brought one bottle of champagne, made a grand entrance and pretended to host the bash. Paul is appalled and can’t wait to call Mary and let her know that the Salahis reneged on paying for the party. Mary tells us that in D.C. if you say you are hosting a party, you are paying for it. And now the Salahis are off to Paris!??!! WTF?!

Jason’s impressed at the $1,000 bottle of Dom the Salahis open on their hotel room balcony and notes that the Salahi’s are not like any of their other friends. In other words, they are some extravagant muther-------.

The Turners and the Salahis let loose at the release party. Stacie says she’s so proud of the kid, and that he introduced an entire new genre of hip hop to Paris or something. Please girl, it sounds like the same ol' hip hop to me. Be proud but, sometime Stacie’s a bit much.

Cat poses all Sex and the City> for her book cover, which she says doesn’t represent her although she's a picture perfect “lady who lunches”: blonde hair, shopping bags, little black dress, sunglasses and all. Charles the photographer shows up later and shoots her in an escalator tunnel at Dupont Circle Station. She’s in leopard and Louis and still has that same look, but she’s satisfied that Charles the photographer has done a better job.

Ugh, then the journey talk begins. It seems Stacie was adopted and her “journey” is to find her blood relatives. She tells her story to Michaele on their shopping trip. She’s communicated with her mom but the mom doesn’t want to tell her who the father is. And I guess she’s not up for Maury.

Mary's friends, hairstylists Ted Gibson and Jason Backe, arrive. Mary tells them of the Salahis' faux pax and Jason says a woman who attended the party told him that Tareq had come over and asked if they were enjoying themselves because he’d "spent a lot of money on party." Mary’s flabbergasted.

Lynda, Mary, Stacie and Cat get their hair and makeup done by Ted and Jason. Nothing like making them work for their entre. Stacie hears Lynda ask that Michaele be seated far away from her. She feels funny about it but stays mum. Afterward, everyone sits down for dinner with Ted and Jason. Paul decides to confront Michael and Tareq at another time; Lynda tries to ignore Michaele.

Lynda makes the mistake of calling Cat her new soul sister and Mary joins in. They start toasting , and Lynda tells Cat that if she can sing, she'll call her Diana Ross (because Cat had this feathered boa thing around her neck, I think). Well, Stacie’s friend Erika cracks, “Oh, we have a black girl in the group!” and Stacie says, “Yea, I know.”

Cat immediately takes offense and leaves the table. Paul goes out to comfort her and she repeats the crack and protests that she’s not racist, sexist or prejudiced in any way. He agrees and tries to give her a peck and she jokingly tells him, “No, get away from me, you’re gay and you’re colored.” Yes, she said COLORED.

At the table, as Tareq talks about how much his wife has improved since they married, Lynda tells us Michaele looks tired and stressed and that she should get rid of her husband.

SexyChattyCatty is a regular contributor at CrabbyGolightly.com where she frequently writes on TV, America's favorite snack food.

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BATTLES WITHIN

Mad Men Recap: Fallout From Bombs

By Miz J

LET ME START OFF BY SAYING THAT I LOVE MRS. BLANKENSHIP, Don's tough old broad of a secretary.

She sits around doing crosswords and fucking things up (only half by accident, I'd bet) and tells it like it is. And that last part is a real necessity in Don's case, because he's pretty much checked out of every part of his life except his job.

Most tellingly, while Don is schmoozing random women in suites and on the streets, his little girl lost, Sally, is crying for help. As the sitter chills with Bobby on the couch, Sally sneaks off to the bathroom and cuts off her hair, prompting Don to fire the sitter/piece of ass immediately. It's unfortunate because the sitter had to not only try to fix Sally's hair but explain/avoid her sex questions too: "Are you doing it with my daddy? I know what it is. The man pees in the woman; I heard all about it at school."

JESUS, Betty, how about trying to be a mother at least once in a while? Of course, Sally doesn't want to talk to Betty about that…or anything else.

And of course, Don's only worried about what Betty will say. Predictably, Betty goes off the deep end when she sees Sally's hair, and slaps the poor kid. Don and Henry are both appalled, and Don storms out. Henry explains to Betty that she shouldn't take her anger at Don out on Sally. “Go upstairs and tell her you’re sorry, that you’ll take her to the beauty parlor and that she can still go to her sleepover. Believe me, kids do these things, and if you punish her, it’ll only make things worse.” He’s right, and she knows it, so Betty actually slums it like a common human being and apologizes. But it’s the only warmth she shows Sally, and even we the audience don’t get to see it.

At the office, a NYT reporter phones Draper for the scoop. Apparently, a similarly-sized (but not, according to Don, nearly as talented or accomplished) firm called CGC has a creative director, Ted Shaw, who believes he's the new Don Draper. And anyone who's followed this show for more than five minutes knows that you don't want to be the OLD Don Draper. But, rather than acknowledge this, or anything else for that matter, Don chooses a fifth of whiskey over crafting a response. Which does nothing to fend this guy off. I mean, the nerve. Ted shows up at the same restaurant where Don and Bethany are having dinner to brag about how both their firms are pitching the Honda motorcycle account. And he sends Don a bottle of sake, too. Every time, Don just shakes his head and is all, “Get off my nuts,” but Shaw persists. So Don chooses to settle the score, once and for all. And it’s DELICIOUS.

But there’s more to this Honda account than a pissing contest between two creative directors. There’s also beef between Roger Sterling and, uh, EVERYBODY. First, WWII vet Roger loudly voices his dissatisfaction with “the Japs.” Choosing to keep Roger out of the loop and to pursue the business anyway, Roger bursts in on their initial meeting with the Honda execs to denounce them and their “Jap crap.” The grand finale: “This meeting’s over. But they won’t know that until you drop the big one. Twice.” Astoundingly, Honda chooses to keep SCDP in the running (much to Roger’s chagrin). Of course, in the end, it’s Joan who talks him around, saying, “Roger, stop it. I know it was awful, but you fought to make the world a better place, and you won, and it is. Now I don't want to hear another word about it. My husband’s going to be in uniform any day now." I have a girl crush on Joan. She just knows how to swoop in and save things from going ker-splat. So Roger stops with the pity party and gets on board, sort of.

Anyway, Honda requested that all participating agencies read a book called The Chrysanthemum and the Sword, which is kind of like our modern-day Who Moved My Cheese? or some shit. One of the lines, which Don takes particular interest in, is this: “A man is shamed by being openly ridiculed and rejected. It requires an audience.” I find this interesting too: are we supposed to be Dick Whitman’s audience?

That weekend, Sally, with a fresh new ‘do, is the last one awake at her sleepover, and, being Don’s child she decides to masturbate to the Late, Late Movie. Of course, she hasn’t yet become as sly as Don, and she gets caught by the girl’s mother, who promptly takes her home. Betty is mortified, of course, but more for herself and her standing in the Ossining housewife pecking order. What’s funny is that Betty and Henry are, ahem, “in the moment” when the girl’s mother rings their bell in the middle of the night.
So, instead of boinking away their troubles, Henry and Betty decide that things have gotten serious enough to send Sally to a psychiatrist. Don’s response when Betty tells him about the sleepover: “Huh. Weird girl.” Stellar parents, these two. Don, still reeling from the idea of Sally seeing a psych, mulls it over with Dr. Miller on Monday morning: “Why does everybody need to talk about everything?” Yeah, really, Don. Why does the real world have to be so messy with FEELINGS and RULES and shit? Why can't everyone just chase their troubles away with some Canadian Club? Because some of us are 10, Don.

Meanwhile, Peggy, Pete, Joan and Don have all conspired to throw CGC for a loop during the Honda pitch. The Honda execs set forth very stringent rules: no final work, boards/copy only and a budget of $3000. Initially Don wants to actually film a TV spot, but doing so would bankrupt the fledgling agency. So Dastardly Don comes up with a plan: make CGC think that SCDP is doing a spot, so they spend the money to do the same, get pushed out of the Honda pitch and then can’t pitch any business the rest of the year. Things go according to plan, except that CGC’s spot is amazing. So Don chooses to take the high road and resign to Honda without pitching anything, citing the fact that CGC broke Honda’s rules. Honda is bowled over, and they give the project work to SCDP.

The wheels of capitalism continue to churn outside the office, too. Betty speaks to Dr. Edna, Sally’s new psychologist, “I feel like Sally is punishing me for getting divorced. She just doesn’t understand that this will be BETTER.” Um, Dr. Edna’s going to go ahead and insist on seeing your crazy ass four times a week, too. But as the doctor walks out, Betty sits there all weird eyeing the dollhouse in the corner. This shit is just SAD. And it only gets sadder as we see Carla and Sally in Dr. Edna’s waiting room the very next day, waiting and worrying. Especially because this is where the episode ends.

I'm officially depressed.

Miz J blogs at Ask Miz J.

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PREGNANT POSSIBILITIES

Making The Switch On Single Motherhood

By Elizabeth C.

BACK WHEN CANDACE BERGEN IGNITED NATIONAL DEBATE WHEN her TV character opted to have a baby alone, I thought Murphy Brown too cavalierly promoted the idea of single motherhood.

I knew moms who chose that path, and I could see the wrenching costs to them. The ones I knew eked out modest l existences to feed and clothe their child, and at the end of the day, they were often too exhausted to do anything more than microwave dinner and put the kid to bed.

And didn't that child deserve a dad, deserve the right to fit the "family mold" -- mom, dad and baby?

Such a know-it-all I was.

Then I had one myself, and the transformational love cracked open my heart and turned my head around: who was I to deny anyone of such elemental joy? Who had the right to deprive someone who wanted a child that defining purpose?

Ay ya ya, god I hate speeches so let me get to my point.

Jennifer Aniston's new movie The Switch once again raises into the squishy subject of single motherhood. "The point of the movie is, 'What is it that defines family?' " the star said while promoting the movie. "It isn't necessarily the traditional mother, father, two children and a dog named Spot. Love is love and family is what is around you and who is in your immediate sphere. That is what I love about this movie."

Of course, Fox hot head Bill O’Reilly wasted no time calling her comments "destructive to our society" and accused Aniston of "diminishing the role of the dad."

I'd argue that our country’s economic breakdown, shrinking wages and unstable job market diminish dads too. But O’Reilly’s not looking to debate the complexities that challenge families today.

So let me keep it simple: The Switch is just a movie that probably makes single parenthood look all too easy. So don't go making any decisions about sperm bank shopping while watching it.

But also know that the "right"’ answer about single motherhood isn’t as black and white as O’Reilly pretends. And only you -- the prospective single mom or dad know the answer.

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August 19, 2010

TEASE

Kat Von D: I'm Jesse's Girl -- Whoops! Nix That

By Madi S.

THEIR QUICKY DIVORCE FINALIZED IN JUNE, SANDRA BULLOCK AND JESSE JAMES ARE fast moving on.

The outlaw Jesse James's been spotted getting friendly with the inked LA star Kat Von D, who is obviously a tease: yesterday she tweeted confirmation that the two are dating -- and then deleted it. Now you see it -- now you don't! And if that's not an invitation to the paparazzi I don't know what is.

Kat looks very much like the type the Monster chose for his extracurricular activities while married to Sandy.

Meanwhile, Sandra has finalized the adoption of her 8 month-old son, Louis. And she obviously doesn't mind Jesse in her life. "I support Jesse in his move to Austin,” she tells People. “We have both moved on with our lives and only want the best for each other.”

Jesse James is preparing to move in Sandra’s adopted town so that his three kids can continue their relationship with Bullock. Or is it a part of his master plan to get closer to her and win her back? Can she forgive him? Or is that a love story made in media heaven? My hunch says the latter, but don't cha know that truth is often stranger than fiction?

Madi S. is mom to two kids and three cats. She loves pop culture news, movies, fashion, travel, reading and observing the world.

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'REAL' NEWS BITES

Danielle Staub Fired? We'll Believe It When We See It

By Sexy Chatty Catty

FIRED! I DON'T BELIEVE IT.

Life & Style reports that New Jersey Housewife and perpetual victim Danielle Staub will not be returning for the show's third season.

When asked about it, Staub said, "I don't know if there are talks right now about a third season of the show, but I'm more excited about talks of my spin-off than anything else.

Spin-off, my ass.

Viewers can barely stomach her even with other cast members around her. And who would be her new victimizers? The world at large? And if her children have any hope of remaining normal they need to get off that show right now! Those beautiful girls are the real victims.

If Danielle thinks she's headed for a spin-off, Ashley must've pulled too much weave from of her head. What would the show be without her? All that the other housewives do is talk about how crazy she is. And I think Bravo made a big mistake casting her in the first place: Some television villains draw you in but she's the kind that casts viewers out (including me).

The New Jersey show is dysfunctional as hell and if they decided to kill the entire concept and start over with a new cast I’d be thankful. Danielle’s really a disturbed person who needs some psychological help.

But you know who I would watch in a spin-off in a minute? Kim G. I love a two-faced bitch who owns it.

On another matter, People tells us that Teresa Giudice spent another $60,000 on furniture and now she has some ‘splaining to do to the bankruptcy court. Or rather her lawyer does. And she had the nerve to do it immediately after filing. Her attorney says that it was her book advance and well, if she’d put it in the bank the court might have wondered why she didn’t pay creditors with it. Remember, they’re $11 million in debt. And they talk about the poor being irresponsible.

OOOOhhh, and have you seen this? Orange County Housewife Jeana Keough supposedly left the show to concentrate on her real estate work. But in an article from late last year she says she’ll be back on TV shortly and that she did some spokesperson work. It’s probably difficult to go back to a normal life after you leave reality-TV land.

Recently I caught a glimpse of her on a commercial for my old girlcrush Jackie Warner’s new show, Thintervention. Does Jackie look odd with long hair or what? I didn’t recognize her in the summer-long Bravo commercial.

Jeanna always did agonize over her weight issues. And since she's a former Playboy Playmate, she's probably going through more than us mere mortals over fat. Well, she should be slim and trim very shortly, once Jackie gets a hold of that ass. Can't wait to see the new Jeanna.

And recently, new Housewife husband, Tareq Salahi, had a run-in with police. His own mother called to report him as trespassing on the grounds of the family winery. It seems he's not lord of the manor but only has an apartment on the grounds. Maybe that's why he didn’t serve Cat and Mary wine when they visited but tried to fool them with beer in wine glasses. Uh, poser.


SexyChattyCatty is a regular contributor at CrabbyGolightly.com where she frequently writes on TV, America's favorite snack food.

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August 18, 2010

UNDER SUSPICION

Guilty Of Ambition: U.S. Attorney Patrick Fitzgerald

By Staff

IF AMBITION WERE A CRIME, U.S. ATTORNEY PATRICK FITZGERALD MIGHT BE FACING indictment today.

The day after being handed what Chicago journalist Carol Marin called a "stunning defeat" in the federal trial against Rod Blagojevich, the U.S. attorney faces scrutiny for the way he managed -- or mismanaged -- the high-profile corruption case. "This guy Fitzgerald is a master at indicting people for noncriminal behavior," Blagojevich's attorney, Sam Adam Sr., huffed as he left court. "This guy is nuts." A jury of 12 on Tuesday returned a single guilty verdict against the former Governor -- for lying to federal investigators -- and agreed to disagree on the remaining 23 charges.

Check out Welcome To The Circus: Blagojevich's Greatest Show.

Illinois' Depose Celebrity-Wannabe Guv Goes On Trial.

Chicago Conspiracy Theory Alert.

Fitzgerald has said he will retry the case.

Federal authorities arrested Blagojevich in December 2008 after recording him voice plans to profit from appointing a replacement to the U.S. Senate seat vacated by president-elect Barack Obama.

"I've got this thing and it's f-----g golden, and, uh, uh, I'm just not giving it up for f----n’ nothing. I’m not gonna do it,’’ Blago said in weeks leading up to the November 2008 election.

But James Matsumoto, the jury foreman in the Blago trial, said Tuesday that the government failed to deliver a “smoking gun."

And without it, Blago’s blather sounded just like any other Chicago politician invoking the local rules of pay-to-play.

"People were not going to convict the Governor based on the lightness of the government’s case,"’ Defense attorney Joseph Lopez said on Chicago Tonight Tuesday. "…These are ward politics, this is how it works in the state of Illinois. So it's not shocking to a lot of people that a Governor or another politician is gonna to sit there and say, 'If you do this for me I’ll do this for you.'

And while Lopez is right – yes, Chicagoans know that’s the game – that's not the same thing as saying they accept them. Rather, they want the rules applied consistently across the board.

But ever since Blago’s early morning arrest in December 2008, there's been a waft emanating from the case suggesting Fitzgerald may have played politics.

First, the notoriously tough U.S. Attorney may have jumped the gun by arresting Blagojevich before any actual deal was cut to curry favor with the incoming administration.

Second, in trying the case, Fitzgerald deliberately avoided calling players close to the president.

Among those considered for Obama’s Senate seat was Obama’s close advisor Valerie Jarrett who was apparently interested in the appointment. And the White House’s Chief Of Staff Rahm Emmanuel reportedly gave Blago a list of names “acceptable” to the president-elect for the post.

Despite this, neither Jarrett nor Emmanuel were called to testify against Blagojevich. Nor was real estate developer Tony Rezko who was a fundraiser for both Obama and Blagojevich since convicted of extorting money from businesses seeking to use his influence to land state contracts.

By not calling these reigning political insiders to testify about their roles in seeking the Senate seat, Fitzgerald weakened his case and cost him the trial.

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Ride Down His Slippery Slope: Joaquin Phoenix's New Movie Trailer

By Staff

THE TITLE OF JOAQUIN PHOENIX'S UPCOMING FLICK IS I'M STILL HERE, but the trailer raises doubts about that.

The movie supposedly documents Joaquin's transformation from actor into hip hop artist, but the trailer mostly hints at his descent into either certifiable madness or self-indulgent navel-gazing.

You could just as easily call it Fear And Loathing In L.A.. And it suggests that director Casey Affleck has frightening powers to feed Joaquin's delusion.

Honestly, I can't wait to watch the madness.

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August 17, 2010

RELEASE

After 34 Years, Cartoon Cathy Gets Liberated

By Staff

SHE WAS AN ANACRONISM in an age when little girls wean while watching the Powerpuff Girls and and big girls model Sex & The City's Samantha. The comic strip's Cathy was a dweeb. And in today's media, there is no forgiving weak or powerless women.

So come October, after 34 years, Cathy creator Cathy Guisewite will put down her pencils and retire her alter ego. It was a remarkable run, considering that Cathy was the less glamorous, cartoon version of Bridget Jones.

Guisewite said in a statement: "After almost 34 years of meeting newspaper deadlines. I’m facing some personal deadlines whose requirements simply exceed my ability to procrastinate any longer: an 18‐year‐old daughter who needs a full‐time mom to help her through her last year of high school and beyond ... beloved parents I want to be able to visit more often … and a creative biological clock, which is urging me to try something else while I can.”

In a commencement speech she gave in 1994, Guisewite told University of Michigan grads that "if you want something to change, do something different," and to re-evaluate their careers every four years by "regraduating...celebrate what you have done and admit what you are not doing."

Guisewite now's taking her own advice.

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August 16, 2010

REPRESENTIN'

Real Housewives of D.C.: Vanilla In Chocolate City

By Sexy Chatty Catty

FUNKMASTER GEORGE CLINTON ONCE DESCRIBED Washington, D.C. as the Chocolate City with vanilla suburbs. So in bringing us its latest entry from the Real Housewives franchise, Bravo has managed to pluck one housewife from the city and all the others from 'burbs.

The horsey (What? She's married to a polo player. What did you think I meant?), party-busting Michaele Salahi managed to make it on the show. A former makeup artist, she's either raised her station in life or is living on borrowed time. She has the manic eagerness of a new puppy or a successful social climber.

She and hubby Tareq are like Teresa and Joe of New Jersey -- living the high life on borrowed bills. They own a vineyard but serve beer to their guests. What's up with that?

Mary is married with five kids. She's very pretty, has gorgeous hair and the easy, languid grace of someone who grew up with money. She hung with the Kennedy kids. Her grandfather was offered the option to buy Tyson’s Corner but turned it down because it was too close to the city. She's that kind of rich. Her role is the level-headed center of the group.

Stacie, a proper Sotheby's real estate agent who deals with million dollar properties, is also married and has two children. Her role is the same as Barack Obama's -- will they turn into the angry, black people or not? She feels, as I do, that if you're gonna say you’re from D.C. you should live in the city. Right on girlfriend. It always rankled me when American Idol finalist Justin Guarini would claim to be from Philly when he actually lived about 20 minutes north in Doylestown. The gall -- stealing Philly cache. But I digress.

Lynda runs a modeling agency, has two grown sons and a big, black hunk of a boyfriend. She's one of those women who’s age you can’t quite guess because she probably has her plastic surgeon on speed-dial. She has a bit of queen bee demeanor but not enough that she's off-putting. She is not fond of the Salahis and didn't attend a recent polo charity event they hosted. She called it a rodeo. Ha.

And then there's Cat --beautiful, blunt and British. She’s a former model, divorced with two kids; her husband is a photographer for the White House. It’s clear she’s used to being in a certain atmosphere which doesn't have a lot of chocolates hanging around.

Stacie is trying to cultivate Cat as a friend for Bravo’s sake but it’s not working out as well as it is between, say, Cat and Mary -- or even Michaele. Stacie hosted a dinner party with Janet Jackson’s chef and invited her real girlfriends Erika and Shirley along with Mary and Cat. Unfortunately, Cat made the terrible mistake of not liking Tyra Banks and praising former President Bush. Stacie also couldn’t manage to have Cat have a dinner party and invite President Obama! Who is this terrible woman?

Sometimes even blacks think all blacks should like the same things. I don't like Tyra and I'm black, but I didn’t realize it was the crime they seem to think it is, so I give Cat a pass on that.

What I can't give her a pass on is for Sunday dinner Stacie also invited her to at Stacie’s Aunt Francis’s house. It was a mixed group with Mary and her husband and Lynda attending as well. You could tell wasn’t their first time hanging out with sweet Aunt Francis. But Cat found Aunt Francis’ win worse than Tareq’s beer and said so, was visibly uncomfortable, ate practically nothing and left before desert. That was rude. But, as Stacie’s husband opined, maybe she’s just a rude person. Which I think is true.

Cat later says she’s sorry things began on a wrong foot with Stacie, and that she’d like to get to know her better. Ha, sparks should eventually fly between these two. You can't diss Aunt Francis and get away with it that easily.

Later, Michaele hosts a party for a stylist named Paul Wharton, one of those young, fly gay black guys who become stylists in order to hang with the rich and famous. The Salahis arrive in a white stretch limo with a police escort. Wha, what? Is there no crime in the city that needs tending too that the police department can spare two cars to escort two people to a PARTY?

She and Lynda get into it because 1) Tareq opened a bottle of win with a sword and the cork hit her in the butt, and

2) she said Michaele needs to eat a cheeseburger. Paul tells us that Michaele shouldn'’t mess with Lynda and if she does she should watch her back. OOOOO, street fight. But really, they just should let their plastic surgeons duke it out.

During highlights of next week’s show someone utters the word “journey”and I cringe.

And what is Bravo thinking with these overlapping Housewives seasons? I’m beginning to feel like a Tea-partier at a health care rally -- that they’re shoving this program down my throat.

SexyChattyCatty is a regular contributor at CrabbyGolightly.com where she frequently writes on TV, America's favorite snack food.

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WOUNDS FOR RENT

Mad Men Recap: The Vagina Chronicles

By Miz J

WE ARE OFFICIALLY INTO THE SWINGING 60s because tonight's episode, "The Rejection," begins with a warning about "brief nudity." And I'm all like, "Yes! Dreamy Don goes full frontal!"

Unfortunately, that's not exactly how it goes down, but more on that later. Right now, Lee Garner Jr. at Lucky Strike's on the phone because he's figured out that SCDP is billing him for work the agency does for its other accounts. The conference call goes on. And on. And on. Don goes for a bottle of Canadian Club but to his dismay it's empty. He gestures toward the put-upon Allison, "Why is this empty?" She snaps, "Because you drank it." HA!

To get off this insane conference call, Don goes, "Oh my God, there's a fire." Without skipping a beat, Roger picks it up: "Right by Radio City. We better go, sorry Lee." NICE.

Don receives a photo from Anna of the two of them with a note: "Stephanie doesn’t think we look old." Cute. Allison sees this and asks if this is the letter from California. She's getting attached, and what little she does know about Don's personal life is too much. You can tell by how short he is with her. I can’t help but wonder if Don was Allison's first, because she appears to be in love with him.

After discovering his exclusion from the Lucky Strike call, Peter receives an invite from Harry Crane to go to lunch with him and Ken Cosgrove. Once there, Cosgrove lays into Peter about the shitty things he says behind his back. Peter chalks it up to Harry’s big mouth but I think Peter talks shit and Ken can see through it. Ken is about to marry a friend of Trudy's, and when Trudy talks, she’s often repeating what Peter tells her.

Peter apologizes, and Ken reveals that his stint at McCann was awful, and insinuates interest in SCDP. It's doubtful that Peter will ever let Ken near the place, since he despised him so at Sterling Cooper, but we'll see. If it’s somehow advantageous to him, we may seeing more of Ken Cosgrove this season.

Back at the office, Peter is informed that he’ll have to resign his father-in-law Tom's Clearasil account due to a conflict. Peter is upset since he promised Tom he'd take good care of the account, and in exchange for those sweet, sweet billings, make a baby with Trudy. This, as you may recall, hasn’t been an easy task. So this whole resignation thing is upsetting. He makes a dinner reservation with Tom to explain the whole thing in person, and this is where things get interesting.

Peter starts to explain to Tom that he’s tried to keep his father-in-law happy, which isn't easy because of their personal entanglements. Tom, who is oddly joyful, cuts him off to hug him. "Peter, my boy, I already know. And I'm so happy for you and Trudy.” He reveals that Trudy is pregnant, and then discovers that Trudy hasn't yet told Peter -- the ultimate OH SHIT moment in any family. Tom immediately apologizes, but Peter is surprisingly okay and we learn how truly conniving he is. In Tom’s haste to make things right, Peter realizes he’s at an advantage, and holds back his bad news.

Peter rushes home to Trudy, who's already heard what happened from Tom. Peter holds her and says he doesn’t care how he found out. Trudy reveals she’d been waiting for their upcoming anniversary to tell him the good news. He says, “This feels better than I thought it would,” and Trudy laughs and says, “How would you know how this feels?” Heh. It's then that we’re all like, “Oh shit, what about Peggy and that baby?” And it turns out that that’s how Peggy feels too. Especially because she finds out when she’s handed the obligatory “congrats from all your co-workers” card to sign. Sad but true. Pete Campbell really is a slimy bastard.

Peter then tells Trudy that he met with Tom to discuss the conflict but didn't get a chance to talk about it. Trudy unwittingly helps him jockey for position by suggesting dinner with her parents the following night, where she'll help him discuss it gently with her father.

At dinner, Peter goes for the jugular. Tom feels terrible about spoiling the surprise, and Peter spills about the conflict, saying that, since he's about to be a father, he’ll need to replace that loss with more business. He walks into SCDP the next morning with $6M in additional billings, courtesy of Tom.

While all this dirty dealing is going down, Peggy, Freddy, Don and Dr. Miller are conducting a focus group for Pond’s with the office secretaries. Dr. Miller is just as conniving as Peter in this practice: she dresses down, requests Peggy to "forget" her name tag so she looks like she “doesn’t matter,” and eats a Danish and jokes about how she “sometimes” watches her weight. The ladies love her instantly and open up about their messy love lives. Naturally, the focus group breaks down into a sniveling, "why doesn't he love me?" cry fest. Allison gets teary hearing about another girl's heartache, and with Don watching, she breaks down completely and leaves the room. Peggy, feeling somewhat responsible, goes after her.

"Don’t worry," she soothes. “Someone always cries at a focus group.” She leaves out that it’s usually out of sheer boredom. But that’s because Peggy's a class act -- up to a point. Allison confesses that she can’t stand the way Don turns on the charm one minute, then yanks it away the next. "But I'm sure you’ve already been through all of this," she says, and Peggy realizes that everyone thinks she's slept with Don. And it's at this moment that Elisabeth Moss shows her skills, because she looks like she is ready to barf. I don't even know how one would fake that.

Allison goes on: “He’s a drunk and he gets away with murder because they forget everything, you know.” It dawns on Peggy that these dudes, slugging Canadian Club all day, are not in actuality delightfully madcap but rather raging alcoholics. And then Peggy gets angry: “No. My problem is not your problem. You need to get over it.”

Allison starts sobbing all over again and Peggy walks away. I think Joan and Peggy are the only women on earth who are not only NOT attracted to Don and who can't figure out why other women are.

The focus group is over by the time Peggy gets back. Dr. Miller has already forgotten her whole "I’m just like you" schtick, and as another secretary pops in to ask, “Is she okay?” Dr. Miller’s all, “Who?”

Don heads back to his office, where Allison is still trying to compose herself. He tries to start in with that old intro line our husbands or male bosses use when they are scared shitless of our emotional display or our PMS: "If you don’t feel like working…” Allison stands and quietly tells him that they made a mistake, that she feels awkward and thinks a new job would be good for her. She calmly asks Don for a letter of recommendation, to which he callously replies, “Yes, of course. Just type up whatever you want it to say and I’ll sign it.” Enraged that Don couldn’t even be arsed to write a few nice words down himself, Allison hurls a paperweight at his head and storms off. Joan peeks in and asks if he's alright.

Don: "Yes, but I'll need a new secretary.”

Joan: “Are you open to Allison coming back after a few days?”

Don: "If that's what she wants."

Joan: "Really?"

Don: "No."

Meanwhile, Peggy meets the most interesting gal on the elevator. Joyce works for Time magazine, and invites Peggy to one of those parties that we read about in history books: where people get the crap kicked out of them during a raid, everyone’s smoking pot and watching films that make no fucking sense. Here, Joyce hits on Peggy, who informs her that she has a boyfriend. Joyce counters that he “doesn’t own your vagina,” and Peggy, always handy with a good line, parries, “No, but he is renting it.”

Joyce is where the "brief nudity" comes in: a friend of hers submitted nude pics to the magazine that were rejected. Talk about a strip tease.

Peggy then meets Abe and they make out a little while hiding out from cops. That whole phrase “It was the 60s” is beginning to make sense, particularly because this scene doesn't make any.

While Peggy s trying her best to become the textbook version of the Liberated 1960s Woman, drunkenly stumbles home, where he attempts to write a letter TO Allison, not FOR her, but gives up and passes out instead.

The next morning, Don arrives to a new secretary, Miss Blankenship, who looks to be about 60 years young. Nice pick, Joan. You don't even know what's happened to keep it from happening again.

Dr. Miller visits to deliver the results of the focus group: that women really just want to get married, and will do whatever it takes to do so. Freddy is grinning like the Cheshire Cat at an AA meeting. But Don doesn’t want to go that route. "You can't tell how people are going to behave based on how they have behaved." Like when Allison slept with you, then threw a paperweight at your head? Those unreliable, emotional dames are something else, huh, Don?

Out in the lobby, Peter and Tom and all the other suits are waiting for Don. They're off to a celebratory lunch, and Peggy bypasses her former flame for Joyce and her liberal crew. As their paths separate, a Meaningful Glance® is exchanged. I still want to know what happened to that baby, but I guess we'll never know.

Or maybe we will, next week. Stay tuned.

Miz J blogs at Ask MizJ.

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TWO WRONGS EQUAL WRONG

Calling Foul On The 'N' Word Double Standard

By Sexy Chatty Catty

OM G. MY HEAD IS GOING TO EXPLODE WITH ALL this race stuff.

When, oh, when will we just be the human race of many colors? Will it take an actual alien invasion for us to just get together, get over it and live our lives before we're blasted to bits?

Ok, now that I've gotten that out of my system. Dr. Laura's recent outburst reminded me of an episode of The Office.

Regional manager Michael Scott just couldn't understand why there had to be a corporate intervention of diversity training because he told a Chris Rock joke.

He used all the right inflections. Everyone thought it was funny when Chris Rock said it. Is it because he's white?

Of course it was. But in a way he was right. What gives Chris Rock the license to say the N word? Because he's a black comedian?

I cry foul on that. It always made me uncomfortable when Richard Pryor said it, when Paul Mooney says it, when Chris Rock says it. Whether it ends in an "er" or an "a," I don't like it.

It's not a term of endearment, as the younger generation seems to think. That it's evolved into that for them is beyond my comprehension and can't be blamed on the GOP.

Someone more intellectual than I would have to explain that phenomenon. To me the word is ugly and should always offend.

But if you don't want Dr. Laura to say it -- make sure your sons and daughters don’t use it as well. Either everyone who says it is an ignorant asshole or no one is. This double standard is bullshit and can't be explained away no matter how hard people try.

SexyChattyCatty is a regular contributor at CrabbyGolightly.com where she frequently writes on TV, America's favorite snack food.

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August 14, 2010

DEAD ON

Vogue Italia Makes Slick Statement With Oil-Spilled Fashion

By Elizabeth C.

THE SLICK PHOTO SHOOT DEPICTING MODEL AS AN OIL-SICK, BEACHED MERMAID brilliantly reveals the Gulf spill's stain on the world's consciousness.

The provocative 24-page spread in the August issue of Vogue Italia is triggering a wave of reaction, with some suggesting that fashion photographer Steven Meisel has veered into exploitation.

Of course he has. Isn't that what fashion photography is all about?

But these images of model Kristen McMenamy lying in pools of oil, coughing for air, remind us of the travesty that's taken place in the Gulf region more vividly than all but the photos of the region's sickened birds.

And with the world's worst oil disaster already off the media's front pages, what is the crime in that?

"The message is to be careful about nature," Editor-in-Chief Franca Sozzani told the Associated Press.

She added, "There is nothing political. There is nothing social. It's only visual. We gave a message but in a visual way just to take more care about nature."

Meisel proves a picture’s worth more than thousand yammering news heads as these images evoke a guttural horror to the oil disaster.

“We can’t help but think that if this isn’t art, we don’t know what is,’’ writes Styleite’s Verena von Pfetten. And we can't help but agree.

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KEEPING PANDORA'S BOX CLOSED

Experts' Fears Quash Release Of UC Berkeley Students' DNA Test Results

By Staff

A PLAN TO REVEAL THE RESULTS OF GENETIC TESTING TO INCOMING freshmen at the University of California at Berkeley has been dumped after statewide protest.

School officials had sent out DNA swab kits to 5,500 incoming freshmen and transfer students with the intent to test them for their biological predisposition to process lactose, metabolize alcohol and absorb folates.

But the study, hatched as a tool to teach the burgeoning science of "personalized medicine," provoked concern among genetic ethicists about the misuse or misinterpretation of the results.

The university abandoned its plan to notify students of their DNA results after state health officials ruled the project did not qualify as “research and education,’’ thereby prohibiting the release of test results.

”Genetic testing in general and personalized medicine specifically are likely to be an increasing part of our lives," said Jesse Reynolds, policy analyst at the Center for Genetics and Society in Berkeley. “More education is certainly needed, but this was not the way to go about it."

About 700 students had already submitted their swabs; school officials say they will be incinerated in the next several weeks after testing.

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August 13, 2010

SPEECHIFYING

Some Hard & Fast Rules For Dr. Laura

By Staff

DR. LAURA IS EATING HER WORDS AFTER SPEWING THE N WORD at a caller who complained about her husband's racist friends.

"Black guys use it all the time. Turn on HBO and listen to a black comic, and all you hear is n-----, n-----, n------. I don't get it. If anybody without enough melanin says it, it's a horrible thing. But when black people say it, it's affectionate."

After a commercial break, the caller professed asks "Is it OK to say that word? Is it ever OK to say that word?"

Dr. Laura responds "Black guys talking to each other seem to think it's ok."

But you're not black, they're not black, my husband is white," the caller says.

"Oh, I see, so a word is restricted to race. Got it. Can't do much about that."

Things get even uglier but you get the point: Dr. Laura doesn't know the "rules," which, you've got to admit, can be contradictory and confusing for the savviest among us.

But following them is a little bit like algebra: you don’t need to understand it to get the right answer, just so long as you follow directions.

So to make things crystal clear to those ignorant about them, here are some hard and fast rules of verbal engagement:

Whites can’t ever use the ‘N’ word.

Straights can’t call gays ‘fags.’

Nappy is only acceptable when it’s the title of a children’s book.

Bitch is off-limits to everyone, but beaatch is acceptable usage by bloggers and gang bangers.
br>‘Ho’and slut? See ‘bitch.’

Wetback is anathema to all but the most vile.

Raghead is forbidden, even when Prince Harry says it.

Jew is acceptable depending on the context. But under no circumstance do you ever call a Jew a Nazi.

Scot-free is a cheap expression.

Cracker, well, cracker is a thin wafer that you eat with cheese and olives.

That's the short list. If I’ve missed anything put it in the comments. Because there really ought to be a “list.”.

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THE ROAD TO OZ

The Wizards Of Etsy: Artisans Pay Homage To 'Oz'

By Elizabeth C.

SEVEN DECADES AFTER L. FRANK BAUM'S NOVEL came alive on screen, the world still gets carried away by The Wizard Of Oz.

And who can blame us for being seduced by Dorothy and her flawed friends, by the movie's midgets and magic?

On the 71st anniversary of the movie's first screening, here are some Oz items on Etsy. Just in case you need a dose of magic in your own life. Above, cupcake toppers by The Blissful Baker. 12 for $6.50. At right, Wizard of Oz pez dispenser adapted into flash drive. By dhhdesign. $25.

For more fun, check out Hootin' Tootin' Fun Finds On Etsy.

Etsy Trinkets For The Tweet Obsessed.

Have Yourself A Very Merry Kitschmas.

Blythe: She's A Real Doll -- And Obsession.

Judy Garland as Dorothy on pop art T by BaoStudio on Etsy. $26.99.



Adorable Wizard of Oz button set offered by Blue Manatee Buttons. $7.



Flying monkey wall graphics by Michelle Christina. $24.



Adorable pendant neckace showing Dorothy catching Toto by the ear while being chased by flying monkeys. $32.



Silver pendant stamped with phrase, "There's no place like home." By madalynann on Etsy. $15.

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August 12, 2010

NO PLACE LIKE

Over The Search Box, Google Doodle Celebrates Wizard Of Oz

By Elizabeth C.

IT'S PROBABLY JUST THE INTERNET BEHEMOTH'S WAY OF REMINDING US where we'd be without its Maps, but Google celebrates the 71st anniversary of The Wizard Of Oz today with a doodle depicting Dorothy, Lion, Tin Man and Scarecrow marching toward Emerald City.

The cherished film classic about a little girl finding home inside her premiered in Oconomowoc, Wisconsin on August 12, 1939 at the Strand Theatre.

The musical takes us on a technicolored trip over the rainbow to a land populated by midgets and magic; where flying monkeys and evil witches impede our deepest wishes -- until we find what we've been searching for deep inside ourselves.

(And having a pair of magic ruby slippers doesn’t hurt either.)

The movie stars Judy Garland when she was 17 and won an Academy Award for best original song, Over The Rainbow. The Library of Congress calls the movie the “most watched film in history.”

The movie, based on L. Frank Baum's 1900 book The Wonderful Wizard Of Oz, reminds us that home is inside of us.

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WHAT'S FOR DINNER

'Marinated Cat' Miscarried? That's A Crock!

By Elizabeth C.

GARY L. KORKUC, 51, told police that the cat stewing in oil and peppers in his trunk was "mean," so he cooked up his revenge: He was going to eat it.

Lucky for the black and white feline named Navarro, Korkuc allegedly blew through a stop sign, and when police pulled him over, they heard the cat crying in the trunk.

Police turned over the marinating cat to Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Animals (SPCA), which adopted it out to its new owner on Tuesday.

Korkuc was charged with one count of cruelty to animals and was also charged with passing a stop sign and failure to signal.

Now Korkuc has allegedly changed his story. According to reports, he claimed the male cat had miscarried and was sitting in its own blood.

Today, the rescued Navarro has a new home and name --- Oliver.

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August 11, 2010

MIRRORING

Eminem's Love The Way You Lie Blurs Line Between Reality & Fiction

By Elizabeth C.

WHAT'S THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN ART IMITATING LIFE AND LIFE IMITATING ART?

The director of Eminem's new video to the hit Love The Way You Lie isn't based on Em and Kim, or Chris Brown and Rihanna.

"It's not a story about Eminem or Rihanna," Director Joseph Kahn tells MTV. "These are fictional characters in my head but obviously based on real human."

So he was merely inspired by Em's stormy relationship with twice exwife Kim but the video isn't about Em and Kim? And the video's storyline has nothing to do with Rihanna and Chris Brown's violent love?

If this is the official storyline, someone should have fed it to Lost actor Dominic Monaghan, who's been busy drawing from point A to B in interviews.

. "The concept of 'Love the Way You Lie' was essentially a look at the relationship that Eminem was in with his wife, Kim, so I kind of felt like I was playing Eminem a little bit, and Megan Fox was kind of playing Kim," Monaghan has said. It's the story of them getting to know each other, and it's the story of their tumultuous relationship, and it was the story of the breakdown of their relationship."

"Ultimately, what I think he's trying to say in the song ... is that he should have walked away a little bit quicker than he did and not let it get as messy as it did."

Monaghan said of his fictional abusive relationship with Megan Fox on the video:

”All his motivation, every forward step that he takes is based on his anger. We're supposed to be desperately in love, like Bonnie and Clyde style, like Sid and Nancy, John and Yoko ... Eminem and Kim."

Here's the video is in case you've just crawled out from under a rock.

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HOW UNLADY-LIKE

Emma Thompson's Nonsense & Nonsensibilities

By Elizabeth C.

FANTASTICALLY TWEE. [fan tas ti ke li twi]. adj.

Origin: UK, pejorative.

1. Whimsy without wit.

2. Mimsy-mumsy sweetness without any kind of bite.

3. Overly quaint, dainty, cute or nice.

Ex: I find Audrey Hepburn fantastically twee.

And proving she doesn't have a twee bone in her body, Emma Thompson skewers the actress and fashion icon Audrey Hepburn with a jab, erroneously dismissing her as a "guy's thing." (Sorry, sister, she's a girl's fantasy.)

Thompson says of Hepburn’s performance in My Fair Lady: "She can't sing and she can't really act, I'm afraid. I’m sure she was a delightful woman -- and perhaps if I had known her I would have enjoyed her acting more. But I don’t and I didn’t, so that’s all there is to it, really.”

Well, harumph.

Thompson’s dig comes as she’s been contracted to update the 1964 film about a Cockney street urchin transformed into a society swan.

Thompson, who says the character Eliza was “sold into sexual slavery“ by her father, will reincarnate the story into a feminists’ parable.

"I suppose my cheekiness is in saying: 'This is a very serious story about the usage of women at a particular time in our history. And it's still going on today. Yes, OK, it's a wonderful musical, but let's also look at what it's really saying about the world."

Which sounds like a “brilliant idea,” as the Brits like to say. But Hepburn wasn’t working off that idea. To diss her nearly 50 years later for interpreting the character differently makes Thompson come off as an unfair lady.

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August 10, 2010

UNEXPECTED NEWS

Mad Men Recap: Men With Checkbooks

By Miz J

IT'S THE DAYS LEADING UP TO New Year's Eve 1964, and the first thing we hear this episode is the metallic thwack of cold, clinical stirrups.

Joan is at her OBGYN, trying to plan a pregnancy, since she's still giving it her all with Date Rapey Dr. Greg. The doctor, "Wally" as she calls him, confirms that all's well with her lady parts and to "go for it." It's then that Joan reveals that she's had two "procedures," by which we all know what she means. And while the doctor is aware of the "procedure" he performed, he was unaware of the first one, performed by a midwife. It's surprising to hear that answer-for-everything Joan has had two abortions.

It seems like the sort of situation an ass-kicker like her could see on a clipboard and check off like no big deal. And perhaps that's exactly what she’s done.

Back at Sterling Cooper, we get a glimpse of Allison, and she's perfectly cordial with Don who is chatty with her and completely respectful. I'm guessing there’s a no-hard-feelings understanding in place. And I hope he gave her a frickin' raise on top of that sad hooker money in the holiday card from the last episode.

Lane interrupts the banter to see Don off for his planned holiday in Acapulco. You can tell right from the start that Lane's been living at the office. He's snappy with everyone, even Harry, who’s so feckless that the general consensus has always been, "I could pick on him but it's just too easy." So then he goes all the way to the other end of the spectrum and pisses off Joan (a terrible, terrible idea, especially since she knows your credit card number, where your dry cleaning is and how much is left in petty cash). However stupid, it is mildly funny.

Joan strolls into Lane's office unannounced and asks if he wants some fried chicken for lunch: “Breast? Or thigh?” At this moment, Lane waves her off with a flippant “Oh, a little of both,” which Joan reads as, “I WANT YOUR WHOLE BODY RIGHT NOW. I AM AT YOUR SERVICE.” So she moves in to ask for a week off after New Year’s Day. Lane gets pissed because he needs her to do the books and a bunch of other shit no one else wants to do and tells her no. They bicker, and he puts his foot down. "Don’t go cry about it." Joan sees red. “ExCUSE me?” she challenges. He repeats himself and a war is triggered.

Don's initial plan is to stop off in LA and visit Anna Draper (the real Don Draper’s wife) and then head to Acapulco for coconut drinks and awkward, drunken hammock sex (just my prediction). I was skeptical about Acapulco. I kept wondering if this would be another FML trip to California. It seems like Don only sees Anna when he's completely fucked something up. He fills her in about the divorce -- “I could tell the minute she knew who I really was, she never wanted to look at me again” -- and about how he wants to bring the kids for Easter. And he gets to see Anna’s niece Stephanie again, who is now in college (and ripe for the picking in Don’s book).

It’s time for Stephanie to head home after a long night with Don and Anna. She says she'll hitch; it’s 1964 after all and that’s what all the cool kids are doing. But Don tells her he’ll drive her home. She says, "I guess this is safer," as if she’s questioning whether or not it actually is. I had to laugh. During this late-night cruise Don learns Anna has cancer. And if you remember how close these two are, you can understand why he's so upset: it casts a shadow over the possibility of Don sleeping with the college-age Stephanie. And over the entire life of Dick Whitman.

Stephanie tells him that the cancer's all over Anna -- in her bones, her brain, everywhere -- and that the doctors say not to tell her, since there's very little time left, and they didn’t want her to agonize over it. Don gets pissed, but when he confronts Stephanie's mom Patty about it, she won’t back down and won’t let him take control, saying, "You’re just a man in a room with a checkbook. You're not family. Do the decent thing. The longer you stay, the more likely it is that you’ll tell her."

Don stays to fix things around Anna’s house. As he’s painting a wall, Anna lights up a joint and asks if he’s ever seen a UFO. “Does that scare you? The idea of a civilization on another planet that’s smart enough to get here? I’ve seen some things that knocked me sideways.”

At this point, Don offers an aside, “Well, if you’re smoking that thing…” But she continues with her this-character-is-dying-and-has-to-make-a-profound-impact statement: “I was thinking of everything I know to be true, and how flimsy it might all be.” Flimsy, say, like Dick Whitman's attempt to take over your late husband’s identity? Yeah, that might fit. Right about now, Patty storms in all pissy and sees Anna toking like those hippies at Berkeley. She throws a fit and Anna grouses about how she wouldn’t have picked Patty for a sister. Don, in his sage way, replies, “She means well, and she’s family. Not everybody has that.” It’s right here that he realizes he’s gotta get the hell out of here, so he hops a plane to what we assume is Acapulco, but he's really on his back to New York.

At the office, Joan is wrapping things up before the big holiday weekend. Peggy delivers her a giant box of long-stemmed roses, which we assume are from Greg. Joan reads the card: "Darling, I've been an ass. Kisses, Lane,” then cuts Peggy off mid-babble to bite Lane's head off. She's not his darling, thank you very much. And American men are bad enough, but this Brit makes her feel like a stupid little girl.

It's at this moment that Lane summons his secretary, Sandy, who has mixed up the cards. Lane's wife Rebecca, who is living separately from him in London, has received a bouquet with the note: "Joan, forgive me. Lane.” It turns out that Lane’s marriage is hanging on by a thread, and this isn't going to help it. Joan fires Sandy on the spot.

New Year's Eve at Joan and Greg’s. They’ve been fighting about the possibility of his being shipped off to Vietnam. Joan thinks it’s very likely. Greg…seems to be avoiding thinking about it at all. She’s in the kitchen and she cuts her finger. Greg runs for his med bag, and Joan’s all, “Let’s just go to the hospital.” She clearly doesn’t trust his ability to sew her up, even though he does it just fine. He tells her a joke while he stitches her finger and she starts bawling. She’s obviously afraid to lose him, even if he is shortsighted and a rapist.

The only two at the office today are Don and Lane. They decide to escape to the movies and see Godzilla, heckling a woman who shushes them after Don relays to Lane: “You know what’s going on here…handjobs.” I’ve never laughed so hard as when Lane gets shushed and just goes ALGJALTHEOHGA in fake Japanese to the woman. Of course it’s all because Don brought in a flask. And naturally the party doesn’t end there. They get some dinner, then get SOME, if you know what I mean.

Don meets his date Candace and her friend Jeanine at a comedy club, where the men get heckled for being gay until the women arrive and the music starts. I guess getting called gay isn’t as upsetting to Don as a shitty rendition of House of the Rising Sun, because that's when they decide to leave for Don’s place. They ring in the New Year drunk with women walking out the door.

And then we cut to the office, where it’s 1965 and we’re all ready to do it all over again.

Miz J blogs at Ask MizJ.

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August 09, 2010

MONSTER MASH

Lady Gaga Prays To Her Monster God At Lollapalooza 2010

By Elizabeth C.

THE WILD THINGS WERE IN CHICAGO FRIDAY NIGHT, RESTLESS AND HOWLING AND READY TO DEVOUR their monster mummy, Lady Gaga, who closed the rumpus that was day one of Lollapalooza 2010.

"My name is Lady Gaga," she told the estimated 80,000 fans who packed Grant Park to see her perform.

"I thank you for coming to my show. I didn't used to be brave. In fact I wasn't very brave at all. But you have made me brave, little monsters. So now I'm going to brave for you. Tonight, I want you to free yourself."

And the so party began, with Gah serving up a mini Monster Ball and closing with Bad Romance. And the crazed crowd, filled with Lady Gah lookalikes, ate her up they loved her so. And finally satiated, they stumbled out of the park in a euphoric haze.

The downtown party resumes noon Saturday and plays on eight stages throughout the day with tonight's headlining act Green Day. The festival, now in its 19th year, closes Sunday night with Arcade Fire and Soundgarden playing stages at opposite ends of the park.

Credit for Lady Gaga photo goes to Robert Loerzel at Undergroundbee.com.

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August 07, 2010

EM'S ON FIRE

Hurts So Good: Eminem's Sizzlin' Love The Way You Lie Debuts

By Elizabeth C.

IS KIM STILL GETTING A CUT OF EMINEM'S RICHES? She oughta be.

And, in between slicing open his vein and spilling it all over paper, Em should give thanks for the perverse love the two shared that has propelled him to such dizzying highs and lows.

Today the poet scores another off his Kim addiction (by the way, Em, there's a drug for that) with the release of, ahem, a "fiery" music evoking the self-immolating destruction of domestic violence.

The video diary that accompanies I Love The Way You Lie stars abuse survivors Em and Rihanna, who soars while singing the hook: “Just gonna stand there and watch me burn, but that's alright because I like the way it hurts.”

Also featured is Megan Fox in the role of “Kim,” and Lost" actor Dominic Monaghan as a skinhead-looking Em.

"We're supposed to be desperately in love, like Bonnie and Clyde style, like Sid and Nancy, John and Yoko ... Eminem and Kim," Monaghan tells MTV.

Rihanna, who almost climbed back into that hell hole with her ex-beau and abuser, Chris Brown, said making the video was cathartic.

”It was real. It was believable for us to do a record like that,’’ she said. “But it was also something that needed to be done, and the way he did it was so clever. He pretty much just broke down the cycle of domestic violence, and it's something that a lot of people don't have a lot of insight on, so this song is a really, really powerful song, and it touches a lot of people."

Does the video glorify violence? Doesn’t all media? And isn’t that why you’ll watch it -- because you can’t help but?

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August 06, 2010

FAST FORWARD LOOKING BACK

Never Prettier: Facebook, Skype, YouTube In Vintage Ad Campaign

By Elizabeth C.

A BRAZILIAN AD AGENCY HAS CREATED A sepia-colored past for our ultra modern communication methods, Facebook, Skye and YouTube.

The 60s-style illustrations cast these social media in the warm glow of nostalgia. And, at least to me, the illustrations by the MOMA ad agency make them prettier in pictures than they are in real time.

The campaign reportedly is pitching Maximidia Seminars titled "Everything Ages Fast."

And it only begs the question: What comes next?

Because credit is their due: Rodolfo Sampaio is ad creative director; Marco Martins is art director; Adriano Matos is copywriter; 6B Studio is illustrator.

Via Gawker, Urlesque.

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SLIMY SYNERGY

Famewhore Michaele Salahi Embellishes for Fun & Profit

By Sexy Chatty Catty

I ONCE THOUGHT NO MORE PERFECT FAMEWORE LIVED THAN DANIELLE STAUB of New Jersey Housewives. But it looks like new D.C. housewife Michaele Salahi may have her beat.

I knew something was fishy when I saw "White House Crasher Accuses Whoopi of Hitting Her on The View" on the US Weekly website. Now Whoopi can be loud, defensive... sometimes straight up ghetto. But only if it's called for. She would never hit a guest. Cuss them out real good, sure, but hit, Please. She’s a grown-up, at least the majority of the time.


It turns out that the real story is she "tapped" Mrs. Salahi to get her attention and to redirect the conversation back to her White House faux pas. It all helps to gin up expectations for tonight's premiere of The Real Housewives of D.C.. So I guess even fake publicity is now good publicity.

I won’t be watching, at least not tonight. The class and good humor of Project Runway’s Heidi and Tim will always trump stupid harpies screaming at each other in expensive restaurants.

There's a rerun on this weekend. I’ll let you know what I think.

SexyChattyCatty is a regular contributor at CrabbyGolightly.com where she frequently writes on TV, America's favorite snack food.

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August 05, 2010

WHOM DO YOU SERVE?

By Targeting WikiLeaks, Does The U.S. Military Serve America's Interests -- Or Its Own?

By Elizabeth C.

THE HIGH-STAKES GAME OF GOTCHA BETWEEN WIKILEAKS AND THE U.S. has given Americans an unvarnished glimpse into our military bureaucracy's killer instinct and the risks that comes with threatening its supremacy.

Barely four years old, the whistleblowing organization has proved a gallant David against earth's Goliath states, spilling secrets of nations engaged in war and of corrupt officials enriching themselves at the expense of unknowing populations.

Read 20 Quotes From Julian Assange, The "World's Most Dangerous Man."

New Psy Ops Name Illustrates Dark Art's Spin.

The Journalist & The Hacker: Wired's Kevin Poulsen Takes Heat For Enabling Adrian Lamo's Addiction To Press.

What Makes Bradley Manning Tick? The Psychology Of Whistleblowers.

Last week, in collaboration with three of the world's most prestigious publications, the new media outfit released 91,000 documents detailing the Afghanistan war at the grass roots level. "This material shines light on the everyday brutality and squalor of war," WikiLeaks founder Julian Paul Assange said of the documents. "The archive will change public opinion and it will change the opinion of people in positions of political and diplomatic influence."

The trove reportedly showed that civilian casualties are much higher than previously believed, that Pakistan’s police collude with the Taliban, and that the U.S. military may have a secret “hit” squad targeting suspected terrorists.

Since then, the U.S. media have widely reported that the documents hold few if any shocking revelations about the ground war. And President Obama himself said: “The fact is these documents don't reveal any issues that haven't already informed our public debate on Afghanistan.”

Yet U.S. officials seem hellbent on implementing a secret military idea to destroy WikiLeaks. They’ve detained a volunteer WikiLeaks editor at a New York airport for three hours and confiscated his cell phones, and have accused WikiLeaks editor Julian Paul Assange and his staff of having “blood on their hands” for for revealing U.S. sources in Afghanistan.

President George W. Bush’s former speechwriter and Washington Post columnist Marc Thiessen calls Assange a "criminal" and now aggravates for U.S. authorities to charge him with violating the Espionage Act.

And Michigan Rep. Mike Rogers demagogues that suspected leaker Pvt. Bradley Manning, in military custody awaiting possible trial on 12 offenses, should be executed if found guilty of leaking classified documents -- an idea that's being called absurd.

These choreographed attacks on WikiLeaks follow recommendations by a senior Army analyst two years before the release of the “Collateral Murder” video.

Senior Analyst Michael D. Horvath wrote in a counterintelligence investigation of WikiLeaks that the group’s “center of gravity” – its sources’ trust -- could be damaged or destroyed if leakers were identified, prosecuted, forced out of their jobs or exposed. The classified document was published on WikiLeaks’ website.

Since the release of the damning video in April, Americans have witnessed WikiLeaks sources or employees identified, prosecuted and exposed.

In recent weeks, the admittedly confrontational Assange seems to have tempered his remarks in press outings. The man who likes “crushing bastards” says it is not his intention to judge the validity of America’s wars, only that they be waged humanely. He's smart and correct to say that.

But in a nation where the listless media provide anemic counterbalance to the “official” line, WikiLeaks is demanding accountability from those who claim to be working in our interests.

Despite the drumbeat of fear, the full consequences of the release of the 91,000 documents won’t be known for years.

What Americans now have to ask themselves is, by pursuing WikiLeaks, is the military serving the country's best interests -- or its own?

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TUNING IN

Five Decades Later, Psychiatry Passes The Electric Kool-Aid Acid Test

"Special K," 'Shrooms Get Science's Seal Of Approval

By Elizabeth C.

IT'S LIKE A SIXTIES FLASHBACK: five decades after Timothy Leary founded the Harvard Psilocybin Project and began proselytizing about the mind-blowing benefits of LSD, researchers are finding the same results in psychological studies carried out in laboratories around the country.

The most recent confirmation comes this month in a study that found a "single intravenous dose" of a chemical compound informally called "Special K" created an antidepressant effect within 40 minutes of patients receiving it, according to Medscape.com.

In a study of patients with bipolar depression, the anti-depressive response lasted an average 6.8 days and changed participants' baseline depression levels.

The study is "particularly noteworthy" because the majority of the 17 participants had poor outcomes in previous drug trials and electroconvulsive therapy, according to Dr. Carlos A. Zarate, chief of "experimental therapeutics & pathophysiology" at the National Institute of Mental Health.

The experiment with Special K is just one of several that have been reported on in recent months. Last month, a study published in the Journal of Psychopharmacology reported that the drug Ecstasy positively affected on patients with Post Traumatic Stress Disorder.

And, last April, the New York Times reported doctors were finding hallucinogens effective for "treating depression in cancer patients; obsessive-compulsives disorder; end of life anxiety" as well as drug and alcohol addictions. The paper quoted a psychologist who himself took psilocybin to treat his lingering depression:

"All of a sudden, everything familiar started evaporating. Imagine you fall off a boat out in the open ocean, and you turn around, and the boat is gone. And then the water’s gone. And then you’re gone." The doctor says his trip was one of the most meaningful experiences of his life.

Back in 2007, Time reported on the "quiet psychedelic renaissance…at the highest levels of American science" and asked in its headline, "Was Timothy Leary Right?"

Just three years later the consensus seems to be yes. Back in the 60s and 70s, Leary’s popmantra to “tune in, turn on, drop out” was considered dangerously radical and resulted in him receiving a severe jail sentence when busted with just a small sum of pot, according to some. One prosecutor allegedly argued that jailing Leary "would prevent him from spreading his ‘messianic ideas about psychedelic drugs to young people.’ “

Fifty years later, the futurist who also supposedly once said, "I am 100 percent in favor of the intelligent use of drugs, and 1,000 percent against the thoughtless use of them, whether caffeine or LSD” -- is proving prophetic.

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August 04, 2010

SOMETHING TO SING ABOUT

Gobsmacked! Glee Collaborates With Brits Susan Boyle, Paul McCartney

By Elizabeth C.

SQUARE THAT I AM, I'M TOTALLY GEEKED THAT THE HIT TV SHOW GLEE will feature Susan Boyle as a lunch lady in a Christmas-themed show.

No doubt, the mouse that roared will star as some dowdy cafeteria marm who dreams a dream that Santa delivers. (And that clip still gives me goosebumps.)

Or perhaps she'll be some creaky Cinderella who dances with a mop until her prince arrives. Whatevs creator Ryan Murphy comes up with will be swell, I'm sure.

And Boyle, who became an international singing star after delivering a jawdropping performance on Britain's Got Talent two years ago, won't be the only Brit guest-starring on TV's freshest offering.

Seems Paul McCartney has horned his way into the show after writing a fan letter to Murphy.

"I received some fantastic mixed tapes from Paul McCartney a couple of weeks ago. I thought I was being punked!," Murphy told reporters Monday. "It came out of blue in a package, handwritten, and it had two CDs and it said 'Hi Ryan, I hope you will consider some of these songs for 'Glee' ... I had heard that he is a fan of the show. I was gob-smacked ... so of course we are going to do something with him."

And like last season when the show highlighted the music of Lady Gaga and Madonna in special episodes, this year pop princess Britney Spears gets the spotlight.

Murphy said the series hoped to spotlight "a musical artist that we are in negotiation for," and speculation is that's Michael Jackson.

Just finishing its first season, Glee was nominated for 19 Emmys. The show's new season begins Sept. 21.

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August 03, 2010

RUNNING LOW

Can A Porn Star Biopic Save Lindsay Lohan's Career?

By Madi S.

SPRUNG FROM HER DEVASTATING IMPRISONMENT (THAT'S SARCASM), Lindsay Lohan faces another 90 days of rehab. Afterwards she'll face the equally daunting task of rehabilitating her tattered reputation and career.

The troubled starlet was supposed to begin taping Matthew Wilder's Linda Lovelace biopic Inferno this month. He has said that he'll wait for Lindsay. "Not moving on, not re-casting, not under any circumstances," Wilder told a reporter after Lindsay was sentenced.

Previously, he was quoted saying: "We've worked on this movie, rehearsed it, read it and she is great. I think she is as good as anyone in her age group. I hope this will turn the story for her a little bit and remind people that this is someone who is serious about acting and who is really different from the cartoon portrayed in the tabloid press."

And aren't we all waiting to see just how serious Lindsay is about acting?

If she fails at this pic, if she fails to win us back, it won't be long before we tire of her antics and her image fades from the magazines and our minds.

And it won't be all her fault either. Lilo is the “poster child” of what happens to you in Hollywood if your family sucks and you're not strong enough to avoid the temptations. Her face should be posted at Hollywood talent agencies as a warning for aspiring actresses in search of fame.

Maybe that is the “legacy” Lindsay leaves behind. If she never succeeds in another film, she can be proud that her very bad experiences makes her a role model for “what not to do” to millions of girls.

Madi S. is mom to two kids and three cats. She loves pop culture news, movies, fashion, travel, reading and observing the world.

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August 02, 2010

GAGA ON SALE

On Newsstands Now: Lady Gaga Fears Creative Discharge

By Elizabeth C.

CONTINUING ITS DOMINION OVER A-LISTOPIA, VANITY FAIR'S September issue stars this minute's pop mania, Lady Gaga.

In the interview, which hits the newsstands August 4, Lady G reveals that she has deep, dark secrets, some of which she'll be glad to share.

First and foremost: Stephani Germanotta is "lonely," and she fears her deep wells of creativity seeping from her vagina if she has sex.

"I have this weird thing that if I sleep with someone they're going to take my creativity from me through my vagina,"' she tells contributing editor Lisa Robinson.

She also reveals that she's "perpetually lonely. I’m lonely when I’m in relationships. It’s my condition as an artist,” and that her demanding schedule leaves her little time to meet people. "I'm quite celibate now," she says, and we imagine that's a good thing lest she drip the smell of her bad romances all over New York's sidewalks.

Stephani also admits that she still uses cocaine. "I won't lie; it's occasional. And when I say occasional, I mean maybe a couple of times a year."

But she also says that drugs were involved in her "ultimate low point," and she warns her little monsters away from the bad stuff.

"I do not want my fans to ever emulate that or be that way. I don’t want my fans to think they have to be that way to be great. It’s in the past. It was a low point, and it led to disaster.”

All in all, it sounds like an entertaining meal for Monsters and laypersons too.

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'ROMAN' HOLIDAY

Mad Men Recap: Santa Claus Is Coming To Town

By Miz J

SHAKE UP SOME PEPPERMINT MARTINIS BECAUSE IT'S CHRISTMAS 1963 at Sterling Cooper Draper Price. And this year, things are tight, so everyone's limited to a keg each.

Or so that's the edict handed down by Joan, until the Lucky Strike client decides to invite himself to the party. Roger demands that their big-ticket client (hell, their ONLY client) get a party that's akin to a "Roman orgy," and that's what he gets.

Unfortunately, this client is realizing how important the account is to this fledgling operation, and he's really sticking it to Roger this year -- making him get in the Santa suit and using the very generous gift of a Polaroid camera from the agency to take photos of it all.

This does not bode well, and some new business needs to enter SCDP pronto.

Which is why they've hired Freddy Rumsen, the wrung-out drunk from the early Sterling Cooper days, back to his old post as a senior-level copywriter. Rummy's clean, sober and fresh from a stint at JWT, where he walked away with the Pond's account. While not as large as Lucky Strike, it'll do. Too bad that underneath the boozy exterior Rummy’s still a sexist pig. He and Peggy, who used to be very close, are beginning to butt heads over creative perspective. He tries the old chestnut about makeup being used to marry a man, and Peggy (and every female within earshot) rolls her eyes and tells him off, which she regrets (but not really). Because if it has to be said, Peggy's the one who’ll say it.

While we're on the topic of Peggy, it seems as though this guy Mark is a pretty serious candidate. She's playing virgin all of a sudden, and this guy thinks he's her first…although by the episode's end, she’s already slept with him. HOLY CRAP. How can someone be so put together at work, but fuck things up so royally when it comes to her personal life?

Let's ask her mentor, Don Draper, who is busy at the moment banging his secretary. Don has finally brought the bedroom and boardroom too close together, and he's got an awkward situation on his hands. His loneliness is palpable, and he can't seem to get his shit together – and hold it together – long enough to make a coherent decision.

Meanwhile, as Don slips farther into an alcoholic haze, daughter Sally is trying to manage living in her old house with her new dad, Henry. She bumps into Glen while the family is shopping for a tree, and he tells her that "things are going to be different with your new dad. My mom got remarried too and I hate the guy." He asks her why they haven't moved out yet, and Sally says she doesn't know, but that she hates living there. "I just keep expecting my dad to come around the corner, but he never does."

Glen immediately feels for the damsel in distress, just like he did for Betty, and springs into action in the way only a kid with tons of issues and very little supervision can: he breaks in while they're away and vandalizes the place. I mean, nothing says GET THE FUCK OUT OF THIS HOUSE like eggs on the door. Except Betty probably will think Don's responsible. And as drunk as he's been so far this season, he won't remember whether or not he did it anyway.

I am starting to understand why everyone working at, visiting or otherwise involved with Sterling Cooper Draper Price drinks Canadian Club by the gross.

Miz J blogs at Ask MizJ.

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