CHEW ON THIS

'Biting' History: Winston Churchill's Denture Sells For $24,000

LET'S HOPE WINSTON CHURCHILL USED A LOT OF POLIDENT.

A partial denture belonging to Britain's stalwart leader during World War II --the one who promised to "never surrender" to the despicable Nazis -- sold at auction Thursday for $23,723.

"The atmosphere was electric," said a spokesman for the Keys Auctioneers in Aylesdham, England and we'll have to take his word.

The upper denture was especially designed to allow Churchill to maintain the "distinctively slurred speaking style" with which he delivered radio broadcasts, according to the Associated Press.

The choppers were purchased by a British collector of Churchill memorabilia.

Other Churchill items were also sold, including a personalized cigar box marked with 'WSC'; a deck of cards printed with a copy of his signature; an ushers armband worn at Churchill's funeral; and eight books inscribed by their authors.

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July 31, 2010

GETTING RIGHT WITH GOD

By Losing Her Religion, Anne Rice Moves Closer To Christ

IN AN ELEGANT POLEMIC she wrote for the Washington Post for Easter 2008, Anne Rice's insoluble belief in God bolstered my own tempestuous faith.

"Look: I believe in Him. It's that simple and that complex," Rice wrote in opening her 1,100 word essay in which she recounts her baptism into belief.

Raised Catholic like Rice, I long ago rejected that religion as my own moral compass. I keep my halting relationship with God a private affair, but I never feel farther from him than when I'm listening to the repetitive liturgy of mass.

Yet shrinks will tell you that the unhappiest people are those conflicted between believing and disavowing God, no doubt due to the heavy wear from the internal churning for some sign, some proof that, yes, there’s a God and everything will be all right.

This, while knowing that their lack of faith might mask the petulance of a spoiled child, peeved at not getting what it wants.

And so, like a good agnostic, I constantly scan the horizon for the evidence that will deliver me, which is how I came upon Rice's evangelic essay.

"On the afternoon in 1998 when faith returned…I saw, in one enduring moment, that the God who could make the Double Helix and the snow flake, the God who could make the Black holes in space, and the lilies of the field, could do absolutely anything and must know everything -- why good people suffer, why genocide and war plague our planet, and why Christians have lost…so much credibility as people who know how to love.”

Rice’s passion for Christ was unyielding. She knew. And so I mentally stashed her essay away in the ‘pro’ file, only to revisit it this week when the author noisily renounced Christianity. And I couldn't help but note that her earlier misgivings about Christians' "credibility" proved prescient.

”Today I quit being a Christian,” she wrote on her Facebook page Wednesday. “ ... It's simply impossible for me to ‘belong’ to this quarrelsome, hostile, disputatious, and deservedly infamous group.”

She continued, "I refuse to be anti-gay. I refuse to be anti-feminist. I refuse to be anti-artificial birth control. I refuse to be anti-Democrat. I refuse to be anti-secular humanism. I refuse to be anti-science. I refuse to be anti-life."

In an interview this week, Rice revealed that she had been wrestling with her commitment to the Catholic Church the last three years because of its sex abuse scandals and the excommunication of a nun who approved an abortion on a woman whose life was threatened. "I came to the conclusion that if I didn't make this declaration,” she said, “I was going to lose my mind."

And with those words, the writer famous for vampires and her faith in Christ moves closer to sanity. And in doing so, gives me another reason to believe.

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'TIL UNDEATH DO THEM PART

All Growed Up, 'Eddie Munster' Scares Up Some Love

MONSTERS! THEY'RE JUST LIKE US!

They grow up, grow old, fall in love, get married. Or if you're a celebrity monster -- specifically a Munster, you hook up with your "biggest fan" 50 years later and pop the question.

Butch Patrick, 57, who played the knickers-wearing wolfboy in the zany 1960s TV series The Munsters is engaged to a former Philadephia Eagles cheerleader with whom he corresponded with when he starred on the TV show.

"My first crush was Butch Patrick,'' retired pharmacist Donna McCall, 55, said in May.

"I met him for the first time, but I feel like I've known him FOREVER . . ."

The two reconnected at a "Dracula" convention in Pennsylvania earlier this year, where Patrick took a bite out of her heart. (Nyuk, Nyuk.)

Now enquiring minds want to know: Will Herman, Lily and Grandpa attend the wedding? Ahhh, no. All three actors who portrayed the characters -- Fred Gwynne, Yvonne De Carlo and Al Lewis -- have passed on to the next realm.

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July 30, 2010

KEEPING SCORE

British Bad Girl Beds 1000 To Be Like Sex & The City's Samantha

GET THIS:

A British woman -- young, pretty, educated -- challenged herself to bone 1,000 men in a matter of ten years. She claims to have succeeded.

Why set such a lofty goal, you ask? She was inspired by Samantha Jones, Kim Cattrall's fiendishly sexual character on HBO's Sex and the City.

"Sam went from one man to the next and was proud of it," says our fair subject, Christina Saunders, 30. "She was sexy, confident, and proud. She had a male attitude of sleeping around and it fascinated me."

It's fair to posit that Samantha fascinates everyone, but who actually pursues her lifestyle -- what with the risk of pregnancy and disease?

And this is not a gender-exclusive issue, either. To justify or dismiss Saunders' behavior as the female adoption of male mentality is total bullshit because, really, how many men sleep with 1,000 people in ten years (or a lifetime, for that matter)?

It's deeply troubling that someone would embark on such a dangerous endeavor merely because a fictional character did something similar.

In one breath, Saunders describe her experience as being both empowering and addictive. "I got hooked on the buzz of one-night-stands," she says.

The two descriptors are contradicting. How can one cultivate power through something on which they are dependant?

Of one fling, Saunders said: "I was so drunk I didn't care what his name was." When I'm that drunk, there is probably a one in five chance that I’ll even be physically capable of climaxing. So really, if it's just sex for the sake of sex, what’s the point? As far as I see it – what she did wasn’t empowering; it was just plain stupid.

I know what you’re thinking. You probably think I am being judgmental of Saunders' frivolous romps. You probably think I am glaringly hypocritical. I do, after all, write a weekly column about my own myriad of frivolous romps.

There are a few key differences. Namely, I have sex with people how, when, and because I want to, not because I want to emulate a fictional character from a television show that falters in its ability or willingness to project reality.

I have sex with people because I want to experience their body and mind; because I expect to learn something. And, of course, because it feels brilliant. I do not have sex with people to fulfill a self-imposed (or HBO-suggested) quota or -- like Saunders -- enter another name (or not) and numerical rating into a bedside notebook.

But I will cease my scrutinizing. Lord knows I've done things some would consider whorish and self-indulgent. The real issue here is the sexual expectations of the modern person.

Do we fuck as much as we can, seek corporeal pleasure everywhere we can, give and take and put ourselves "out there," channel Samantha Jones?

Or do we value the act of sex as a precious and spiritual venture, relish its beauty, only do it with people we care about?

I oscillate between the two attitudes. The best way I can describe my position is, pardon the convenient invocation, with a devil on one shoulder and an angel on the other.

Like Christina Saunders, I admire Samantha's sexual confidence and pride. I want to experience as many people as I can, because sex – well – fucking rules. My generation has been conditioned to be tenacious, to go after what we want. Sex surrounds us, and we could pretty much get it any time we want. Or we can at least get online and peruse our zillion of options and jerk off 'til we’re blue in the face.

I, for one, feel pressure – from myself, my peers, from all of the Samantha-like characters in the culture I consume – to be a little bit promiscuous. And I like that. I love sex and I appreciate the validation of my slutty exploits when I indeed pursue them.

But at the same time, I love love. I am a romantic at heart, and I honestly believe that I have experienced feelings of love for every person I have ever slept with, at least for the time I was sleeping with them. I don't want to meet someone at a bar, maybe catch his first name, take a shot of tequila, and then go kisslessly screw him reverse-cowgirl style in a putrid restroom, most likely rendered incapable of orgasm due to the smell of vomit and urine and the sound of another drunk-ass patron pounding on the flimsy stall door. That shit's not worth the tally mark.

Saunders now has regrets about her sophomoric challenge. She says that she "took things too far" and now she wants to "settle down."

The old adage holds true -- reality can certainly be stranger than fiction.

What's your pleasure? Got a problem? Write to Avoine at AvoineSauvage@CrabbyGolightly.com

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Get Ready For Angelina Jolie's Salt To Blow Up The Box Office

IT'S SAFE TO SAY THAT VIXEN ANGELINA JOLIE'S SALT WILL HAVE AN EXPLOSIVE DEBUT WEEKEND, and it won't be because of all the recent Angie stories with bland pronouncements about her family.

She'll have Andrew Morton's spicy new unauthorizied biography and leaked S&M pics from her deviant days to thank.

Read Thirst-Inspiring: Angelina In Salt Trailer.

Angelina Keeps Yanking Our Chain About Retiring.

Brangelina Cling To The Fairytale That Is Them.

Scientists Confirm It: Angelina Is A Trollop.

After disappointing appearances at the box office with A Mighty Heart and Changeling, Ang once again plays a double-crossed secret agent as she did in Mr. and Mrs. Smith, the film on which she seduced Hollywood's then-married golden boy Brad Pitt. Salt is guaranteed to deliver more golden calves to Ang, who's been selling everything but strands of her hair to promote the movie.

But the flick's best promotion is the titiillating details emerging about Angelina, the latest book by Princess Diana's biographer Andrew Morton, who portrays the star as a cunning manhunter with abandonment issues and a history of lusting after unavailable costars. The book's due out tomorrow, July 31st.

THR reports that television celebrity news shows have avoided covering its juicy allegations out of fear of being blacklisted by Brangelina.

And with timing suspicious enough to make one wonder if Ang is behind them, Star's publishes photos allegedly depicting Ang in a 14-hourlong heroin-induced S&M session wearing a dog collar and tape on her chest.

In the days running up to the movie's July 30th release, we've learned how Angie "keeps her household organized", how Pitt is a "wonderful father" who always makes her "feel sexy,", that Ang is beautiful because she's happy, how her son Maddox freaked out when he saw her in custome on Salt's set. To which but only the most avowed fan says meh.

But Morton's book and Star's pics will guarantee a box office smash for Ang.

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DIAGNOSIS: OVERREACHING

Is Psychiatry's 'Bible' Mere Apocrypha?

THE CLIQUE THAT DEVISES THE DIAGNOSES IN THE The Diagnostic and Statistical Manual gets taken down in a pointed piece appearing in today's Guardian.

Dorothy Rowe is both therapist and writer, and in her column today also proves to be a fierce advocate for her patients as she dismisses the DSM as "mythology, not a scientific text."

That's because the diagnoses are created by American psychiatrists without relying on scientific studies to validate their conclusions, Rowe asserts. A DSM diagnosis is required to submit payment forms to insurance companies.

Many therapists already consider applying DMS diagnoses a "pointless exercise," but the book is relied upon by doctors "too intellectually lazy to think about patients as individuals, or too fond of the many freebies that the drug companies provide," says Rowe.

"All of us are already are in the fourth edition of the DSM,'' she writes. "According to my copy, on page 673, it states, '301.9 Personality Disorder Not Otherwise Specified'. That's you."

Rowe's commentary is just the latest attack on the upcoming fifth edition of the DMS due out in 2013, which includes the new diagnoses such as "mixed anxiety depression," "psychosis risk syndrome," and temper dysregulation disorder."

A recent BBC story on the updated edition quotes Professor Til Wykes of King's College London, the editor of the Journal of Mental Health, as saying " most of these changes [to the manual] imply a more inclusive system of diagnoses where the pool of normality shrinks to a mere puddle." The BBC story is but one coming out of the United Kingdom critical of the DSM.

But concern is growing on this side of the pond too, where AOLHealth yesterday published a story headlined, " Is Anyone Normal? Toddler Tantrums, Binge Eating May Be Newest Mental Disorders."

Rowe and other critics say DSM labels patients while masking the real problems.

"When we keep making a mess of our life we need someone to help us face the truths about which we've been lying to ourselves,'' Rowe writes. "But when we are given a diagnosis we disappear behind that diagnosis, and the diagnosis is all the unthinking people see."

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July 29, 2010

ICONOCLAST

20 Quotes From Julian Assange, The "World's Most Dangerous Man"

HE MAY APPEAR PALE AND LANGUID ON THE TV SCREEN, but Julian Paul Assange is single-handedly reviving the Herculean idea that one man can change the world.

The founder of WikiLeaks has become both hero and outlaw in the span of three years as his whistleblowing organization has disclosed criminal behavior by bankers and government leaders, as well as release the private emails of Sarah Palin and internal documents of the Church of Scientology.

Most controversially, in April WikiLeaks released a classified video depicting the unprovoked shootings of a group of Iraqi men. And last weekend, in collaboration with three prestigious newspapers, the group published an estimated 90,000 internal U.S. military documents detailing the war in Afghanistan and propelling Assange into the crosshairs of the world's lens.

"I'm sure that Assange is now regarded as one of the very most dangerous men," says Daniel Ellsberg, an admirer of Assange who in 1971 leaked the Pentagon Papers, "and he should be proud of that."

With admiration, Ellsberg calls Assange "a danger to governments, to withholding wrongfully information..."

As the world grapples with the fallout of the weekend's revelations, here are some quotes to help discern what makes Assange tick:

Read New Psy Ops Name Illustrates Dark Art's Spin.

WikiLeaks' Julian Assange Gets Backing From Iceland's Parliament.

The Journalist & The Hacker: Wired's Kevin Poulsen Takes Heat For Enabling Adrian Lamo's Addiction To Press.

What Makes Bradley Manning Tick? The Psychology Of Whistleblowers.

WikiLeaks Tape Reveals Hint That US Ground Soldiers Were Troubled By Discovery.

1. "You often hear ... that something may be a threat to U.S. national security. This must be shot down, whenever this statement is made. A threat to U.S. national security? Is anyone serious? The security of the entire nation of the United States? It is ridiculous." -- Associated Press.

2. "We in the West have deluded ourselves into believing that we actually have a truly free press. We don't. And we can see that in the difference between what Wikileaks does and what the rest of the press does.” -- AnitaWirawan.com

3. "We’re in a serious business…and we occasionally have serious spying on us. It’s not a matter of paranoia. It’s simply a matter of doing your job properly.” -- Wall Street Journal.

4. "Courage is contagious. Sources are encouraged by the opportunities they see in front of them." -- Guardian.

5. "We specialize in getting the full material out to the public. Now, mainstream media, through internal concentrations in countries where there's really only sort of one or two dominant media organizations in a town, has had a sort of perverse effect where sources are treated as something to be kept at bay rather than something to treasure. That has resulted in organizations such as The [New York] Times sitting on significant disclosures for a year, not releasing them, or only picking a few cherries from a whistle-blower's disclosure, instead of all the material that they submit in their documents. Sources understand that we are the most reliable, from a safety point of view and from a publishing point of view, organization to deal with." -- Radio Free Europe.

6. "Leaking is inherently an anti-authoritarian act. It is inherently an anarchist act." -- Aljazeera.net.

7. "We have clearly stated motives, but they are not antiwar motives. We are not pacifists. We are transparency activists who understand that transparent government tends to produce just government. And that is our sort of modus operandi behind our whole organization, is to get out suppressed information into the public, where the press and the public and our nation’s politics can work on it to produce better outcomes." -- DemocracyNow.org.

8. "If journalism is good it is controversial by its nature. It is the role of good journalism to take on powerful abuses, and when powerful abuses are taken on, there is always a back reaction. So we see that controversy and we believe that is a good thing to engage in." -- Telegraph.

9. "How is it that a team of five people has managed to release to the public more suppressed information, at that level, than the rest of the world press combined? It's disgraceful." -- Sydney Morning Herald.

10. "The sense of perspective that interaction with multiple cultures gives you I find to be extremely valuable, because it allows you to see the structure of a country with greater clarity, and gives you a sense of mental independence. You're not swept up in the trivialities of a nation. You can concentrate on the serious matters. Australia is a bit of a political wasteland. That's OK, as long as people recognise that. As long as people recognise that Australia is a suburb of a country called Anglo-Saxon."' -- Sydney Morning Herald.

11. "True intellectual heritage can't be bound up in intellectual property.'' -- Sydney Morning Herald.

12. "When governments stop torturing and killing people, and when corporations stop abusing the legal system, then perhaps it will be time to ask if free-speech activists are accountable." --International Business Times.

13. "Courage is an intellectual mastery of fear. It's not that you don't have fear, you just manage your risks intelligently." -- Belfast Telegraph.

14. "These files are the most comprehensive description of a war to be published during the course of a war -- in other words, at a time when they still have a chance of doing some good. They cover more than 90,000 different incidents, together with precise geographical locations. They cover the small and the large. A single body of information, they eclipse all that has been previously said about Afghanistan. They will change our perspective on not only the war in Afghanistan, but on all modern wars…This material shines light on the everyday brutality and squalor of war. The archive will change public opinion and it will change the opinion of people in positions of political and diplomatic influence." -- Spiegel.

15. "Journalism should be more like science. As far as possible, facts should be verifiable. If journalists want long-term credibility for their profession, they have to go in that direction. Have more respect for readers." -- Guardian.

16. "Seeing ongoing political reforms that have a real impact on people all over the world is extremely satisfying. But we want every person who's having a dispute with their kindergarten to feel confident about sending us material." -- Mother Jones

17. "We have values. I am an information activist. You get the information out to the people. We believe a richer intellectual and historical record that is fuller and more accurate is in itself intrinsically good, and gives people the tools to make intelligent decisions." -- Guardian.

18. "Nearly all of the thousand who've died since 1944 have been stringers in places like Iraq. Very few western journalists have died. I think it's an international disgrace that so few western journalists have been killed in the course of duty, or have been arrested in the course of duty. How many journalists were arrested last year in the United States, a country of 300 million people? How many journalists were arrested in the UK last year?" -- Guardian

19. "The history of journalism is not a glorious history, it is a history of cover up punctuated by some fine journalists who actually get the truth out. WikiLeaks is a phenomenon of the internet and it's the reduction in the costs of the transmission of knowledge that has allowed different types of publishers to enter into communicating and different types of ideological groups, including us." -- New Europe.

20. "We refuse government and corporate donations. In the moment most of the money comes from the journalists, the lawyers or the technologists who are personally involved. Only about ten percent are from online donations. But that might increase." -- Wikileak.org, a blog devoted to the "ethical and technical issues of the WikiLeaks.org project."

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July 28, 2010

STARRING

Welcome To The Circus: Blagojevich's Greatest Show

HE SPELLS HIS NAME R O D B L A G O J E V I C H AND I doubt there's any Illinois citizen who couldn't tell you that today.

He's the poor man's Bill Clinton, all hugs and smiles and aw-shucks charm without the brilliance.

He may or may not be corrupt -- I'll leave that for 12 jurors deliberating in his federal corruption trial to decide.

But, win or lose, there's no disputing that the deposed Governor of Illinois seems destined for reality TV.

"Hey, you like my suit?," Blagojevich, 53, asks the supportive crowd greeting him outside the federal courthouse in downtown Chicago where he's being tried on 24 charges including extortion conspiracy, wire fraud and bribery conspiracy.

Among the claims of prosecutors is that the Governor and his wife Patti spent $400,000 on clothing while in office.

Since opening two months ago, the trial's been the hottest ticket in town with court watchers lining up as early as 5pm for a seat.

Prosecutors have methodically (if not persuasively) argued that Blagojevich had tried to sell the U.S. Senate seat left open by President Barack Obama’s election. The smoking gun: Blagojevich boasting on wiretaps, "I've got this thing and it's f --king golden and I'm just not giving it up for f --king nothing.” The line’s become prosecutors’ mantra and a joke around Illinois.

But there are at least two sides to every story, and Blagojevich's floridly performing defense team has put on an eyepopping show countering prosecutors.

In their plotline, the former governor is, at most, guilty of being a bumbling, dimwitted opportunist.

"That's not attempted bribes! That's not extortion!" Blagojevich’s attorney Sam Adam Jr. insisted during his closing argument Tuesday. “That’s a politician.”

And no truer words have been spoken in Chicago, the capital of clout.

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THEY'RE 'SPECIAL'

iPad Elites: Guilty Of Gluttony, Lust, Anger

CONFIRMING WHAT WE ALREADY KNEW INTUITIVELY, a new study concludes that the owners of iPads are selfish elites not prone to altruism. Which means you should think twice before sitting next to that guy browsing one on the airplane.

The consumer research firm MyType surveyed 20,000 people between March and May of this year and found that wellheeled iPad owners "scored terribly in the areas of altruism and kindness," Wired reports.

Owners of the info tech toy are six times more likely to be “wealthy, well-educated, power-hungry, over-achieving, sophisticated, unkind and non-altruistic 30-50 year olds,” according to Mytype’s Tim Koelkebeck.

They also confess to gluttony, lust, and anger at higher rates than non-iPad owners, which really make them seem like an unbearable lot. But they were the least likely to plead guilty to being “lazy.”

And the iPads’ biggest critics? Geeks of "the Linux junkie variety: independent, hardcore technology lovers" who view Apple’s latest gadget as an oversized iPhone without calling capabilities.

“Bashing the iPad is, in a way, an identity statement for independent geeks,’’ writes Koelkebeck. "As a mainstream, closed-platform device whose major claim to fame is ease of use and sex appeal, the iPad is everything that they are not."’


MyType asked respondents to identify which of the Seven Sins they’re most susceptible to. iPad owners pleaded guilty to lust and gluttony.

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July 27, 2010

GRIM

Mel Gibson's Crazy Rant No. 7: "You F-cking Don't Love Me One Bit"

MAD MEL GIBSON CONTINUES TO GIVE NEW DEPTH OF MEANING TO THE PHRASE "CRAZY IN LOVE."

In the latest poisonous rant toward Oksana Grigorieva, Mel seems to suggest that accepting abuse is the duty of a woman in love. "You're not a f-----g woman I want. You can't hang,'' Mel tells the mother of his infant daughter Lucia. "...You don't know what the f-ck it means to make a man happy."

In seven secret audiotapes, the public has heard Gibson threaten, debase and accuse Oskana of not loving him.

"You f-cking don't love me one bit,'' Mel says on the audio released today by RadarOnline. As if loving him could change this story's ending; Oksana barely responds while Mel beats her with words.

Mel tells her he's sorry he had a child with her, calls her a "glum" and a "fickle c-nt," and in what has been a pattern throughout the audios, reminds her who owns the house she's living in. "And remember who's f-cking roof you're under! You ingrate bitch!," he yells.

According to RadarOnline, Oksana left Mel's Malibu house Feb. 18 and has not returned.

Thankfully, this latest audio runs only 2:27 minutes. Here's the full transcript:

"No One Will Believe You: Transcript Six Of Menacing Mel's Manic Meltdown.

Transcript Five Of Mel's Mental Meltdown.

Can't Look Away: The Fourth Transcript Of Mel Gibson's Descent Into Madness.

More Mad Mel: Transcript Of Radar's Third Secret Mel Gibson Audio.

'You Should Just F-----g Smile and Bloooow Me': Transcript Two Of RadarOnline's Mel Gibson Crazy Tirade.

Here's the Full Transcript Of Mel Gibson's Sickening Rant Released By Radar.

(Phone rings.) Oksana: Hello.

Mel : Oh you’re there. I just want you to know that your whole relationship with me, everything about you is an offense to me, and offended me and pissed me off. Did you get my last message about me being a bad father and Tim being a great dad now?

Oksana: No.

Mel: You didn’t hear that one? Well you should go and f—k him. You know, you fickle c—t. Because I don’t care. You offend me on every f-cking level. You offend me on every f-cking level. I despise you. I don’t want you back. You have proven yourself to me. You’re not a f-cking woman I want. You can’t hang. You’re not a f-cking woman. You’re a f-cking fake, you’re a f---king sham. You don’t know what the f—k it means to make a man happy. You didn’t make me f---ing happy. I couldn’t make you happy with the best I did for anybody ever, ever. You f-cking glum cunt! You didn’t crack a smile with the tree ceremony out there! Nothing! What the f-ck do I have to do? And remember who’s f-cking roof you’re under! You ingrate bitch! And that’s it!

Mel: The game’s over, okay? The game’s over. Let the new games begin. You can get it on with anybody else and your son can watch, what is it, number 45 he’s going to have to look at? F-cking good. So f-cking sorry I had a child with you. Now I am, now that I see you. I hope you f-cking don’t sleep. I hope you f-cking waste. You f-cking ruined me! You f-cking ingrate. I’m so mad, I’m so angry and this is not the nicotine, this is the truth. You f-cking don’t love me one bit. You know it, you using bitch. (Mel hangs up.)

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July 26, 2010

IMAGE VS. REALITY

Mad Men Returns Sharing Lessons In Public Relations

ARMED WITH A LITER OF RED WINE, I settle in to watch the first episode of Mad Men's fourth season, aptly titled "Public Relations," during which we explore how people see and react to our protagonist, Don Draper.

It's immediately clear that Don's life has changed, and that this season is moving much more quickly than last, when we had to wait until the last five episodes to move beyond a glacier's pace. But tonight I am not disappointed.

Love Is A Many Splintered Thing: Mad Men Returns.

It's late in the same year as last season and Betty has married Henry (whoa, wait, what?), although they're living in the Draper house in Ossining. Which is like living in a gutter, since so much has gone down in that house. You’d think she’d move, but Henry reveals that she’s “not even looking.” Don is faced with paying the mortgage on the house, plus on his sweet bachelor digs in Manhattan, so he’s starting to push Betty out…or at least force her and Henry to pay rent. And surprisingly enough, Henry tells Betty that Don "has a point." Meanwhile, the children are still miserable, and Henry’s bitchy WASP of a mother tells him so, in between jabs at Betty, whom she calls “that other man’s garbage.” Out of the frying pan…

Elsewhere, Sterling Cooper Draper Price (from now on referred to as SCDP because I’m not interested in developing carpal tunnel) has a wonderfully mod new office space, however small. There’s only one floor and no conference table. This irks Don in a way that I can only explain by assuming he was hoping to screw secretaries on it. Otherwise, I got nothin'.

Anyhow, SCDP is doing well enough to arouse trade publication Ad Age. They request an interview with Don, where his modest, stoic demeanor means the story lacks any real depth. And since Don literally gave the man, a one-legged Korean vet, nothing to work with, the article casts Don as a total asshole. To which Roger quips, “Well, how cheap is Ad Age? They can’t even afford to send over a whole reporter.” Funny, but now who’s the prick?

So now, dogged by this perceived reputation flaw, Don is extra-sensitive about the agency's image. And naturally, this is where Peggy zigs when she should zag. Sugarbear, a canned ham account (ah, the glamorous life of a gal in advertising) has sales nosediving, but they won’t spend any additional money to advertise. Our girl comes up with an ingenious little ruse to plant two women in the store the day before Thanksgiving to fight over the last Sugarbear ham. Since it's supposed to be a spontaneous event, they won't charge the client for it, and won’t tell a soul that the agency staged the stunt. It goes off like gangbusters. Papers are reporting about it on the front page (must be a slow news day in Manhattan) and Sugarbear gets a boost in sales. Only problem is: the women never stop fighting and one decided to press charges on the other.

Don's pissed about this. Not only is he worried about his own image, but now this little stunt could really set shit off. Plus, Roger set him up with Jane's friend, who looks like a younger version of Betty. And even though things went swimmingly on the date, she's wise to his horndog ways and sends him off with blue balls. So when Peggy rings him on the holiday weekend for bail money for the two Sugarbear Ham Battlers (as I now lovingly refer to them), he’s reached a boiling point and snaps at her. Later on, he keeps up the shitty attitude by pushing her out of the meeting with the client: “I don’t think it’s a good idea to have a girl there.” Why, Don? Because she might end up saying something smarter than you?

Further into the episode, Don struggles with a mindboggling client conundrum: a bikini company that insists they don’t sell bikinis, but "two-piece swimwear" because they’re a “family company.” So of course, Don gives them some risqué creative and tells them to sell bikinis or…die. When they disagree, he straight-up kicks them out. “Out! Get out!” he barks, and Pete follows behind, kissing ass the entire way to the elevators.

You can see that Don’s clearly starting to lose his fine veneer of professional distance and creative cavalier that got him this far in the first place. That is, until, he has a sip of Canadian Club, which is to Don what spinach is to Popeye, and then gets a reporter from Adweek to interview him. This time, he gives him the whole juicy story about how he, Roger, Bert and Price ransacked Sterling Cooper and started anew.

And that's when we see that Don Draper is back. OH YES.

Miz J blogs at Ask MizJ.

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July 25, 2010

TAKING THE TEMPERATURE

Anti-Lindsay Fever Infecting Los Angeles Jail

SEEMS MISS FIRE CROTCH IS GETTING HER NEW ROOMIES hot under the collar.

What Los Angeles Sheriff's officials dub as "no special treatment" is being interpreted by inmates at the Central Regional Detention Center as "special handling."

"All the inmates are sick of Lindsay," Maria Medina, a relative of an inmate, tells People.

"It's almost like Lindsay Lohan's here, but she's not. Like if she even moves, they put the whole facility on lockdown. It happens all the time."

Officials say they don't know what Medina's talking about; that there's "no such thing as lockdowns." But of course semantics is everything and maybe they call it "taking precautions?"

Looks like the only place Lindsay’s still being treated as a celebrity is in jail!

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July 24, 2010

AIN'T NOTHING BUT A NUMBER

Cougar In Training

INEVER WANTED TO WRITE ABOUT COUGARS. The topic is overplayed and stupid. I prefer to ascribe to the R. Kelly/Aaliyah Age Ain't Nothing but a Number sentiment and leave it at that, Courtney Cox be damned.

Alas, I am writing about cougars.

I was recently at home in Indiana hanging out with my brother, a senior in high school. A couple of his friends stopped by. They were a bit both older than my brother, and both very cute. We drove to the gas station for some snacks (like I said, I was in Indiana, so cut me some slack) and sat outside smoking, munching, and laughing 'til the wee hours.

My brother evidently gave one of them my number and we began texting. He's witty. Then he added me on Facebook and I began clicking through his photos. He's got some damn good bone structure, and the sight of his physique makes my very loins sizzle with delight. Also…he's 19 years old.

I'm going home in a couple of weeks, and Baybeeboy wants to take me out for dinner, ice cream, and a walk and stargazing in the park. There's something very romantic, unpretentious, and chivalrous about the teenage dating scene. They haven't yet retreated into laziness or disillusionment.

Still, I'm apprehensive. I briefly dated a 15 year old when I was 17 and my friends gave me hell. I sent a text to three friends who have known me for over a decade.

Me: “What’s the youngest age I could date? And yes, this conversation is happening… again…”

Friend: “21. Why? How old is this guy?”

Me: “He’s kind of…um…like…19…or sum’n.”

Friend: “The answer is no.”

Me: “But…but…but…he’s adorable.”

Friend: “My final answer is no for the baby. You cougar…”

My friend's response was a little rigid for my liking, so I asked my mother. (Because, after all, if you don't fancy someone’s advice, go elsewhere until you get the response you desire. Right?) She thinks once you’re 18, it's pretty much all fair game. Then, over beers later that night, another friend relayed to me an adage from his high school basketball coach: "You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take. Go for it, dude."

BreakupGirl.net says that age divided by 2 plus 7 equals all right. Check! I’ve also heard that half the age of the younger person plus his age is okay. I'm in the clear.

So why am I snapping into hyper-analytic mode over this? After all, if I was the guy and he was the girl, the age difference would be a non-issue.

Jean Lawrence at WebMD notes that nearly one-third of women between the ages of 40 and 69 (tee hee hee…that number never gets old) are dating men who are at least 10 years younger. "The women like the flexibility and sense of adventure of their more spontaneous, younger companions. For their part, the men… find older women more interesting, experimental, fun to talk to, financially settled, and more adept sexually.” Seems pretty "win-win" to me.

So it looks like I have myself a date. I’ll just be the only one drinking at dinner.

Celebrity couples who rock the age difference:

• The ever-vivacious Joan Collins has been with men 32 and 25 years her junior.
• Elizabeth Taylor was 20 years older than her eighth ex-husband, construction worker Larry Fortensky.
• Chipper Katie Couric is 17 years older than beau Brooks Perlin.
• The go-to example of the modern-day cougar, Demi Moore, is 15 years older than Ashton Kutcher. They’re just both so fucking hot that no one minds.
• Susan Sarandon is 12 years older than her longtime (but now separated from) beau Tim Robbins. They made it work for 23 years!
• Mariah Carey snatched fellow singer Nick Cannon right out of the cradle. She is 11 years older.
• Ageless alien-woman Madonna is a decade older than ex-husband Guy Ritchie.
• Lucille Ball was 6 years older than on-and-off screen love Desi Arnaz.
• And, keeping in tune with my personal situation, June Carter and Johnny Cash’s romance was hotter’n a pepper sprout, although she was 3 years older. Yee-haw!
What's your pleasure? Got a problem? Write to Avoine at AvoineSauvage@CrabbyGolightly.com


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JUSTICE HAS A DEAF EAR

Will Mel's Recorded Madness Be Enough To Protect Oskana?

THE SLUDGE KEEPS GETTING THICKER IN THE SLIME WRESTLE between Mel Gibson and Oksana Grigorieva.

Allegations of Mel's death threats and beatings now give way to claims of Oksana extorting money and falsifying injury.

TMZ reports that the L.A. County Sheriff's Department is investigating whether Oksana tried to extort money from Mel in exchange for keeping the disturbing audios of his abuse secret. "Extortion allegations have been brought to our attention and we are certainly going to be looking at that," a sheriff's spokesman says.

Besides the revelation that Mad Mel's touched in the head, the most shocking thing about this seedy soap opera is that Oksana's recorded evidence doesn't seem enough to protect her from suspicion.

Even the ersatz sophisticate Whoopi Goldberg seems to think that all Oksana had to do was call the police.

Yet studies have shown that police have historically not taken the crime of domestic abuse seriously.

Most cases of abuse and rape boil down to “she said, he said,” and too often men get away with abuse.

That same problem of proof often complicates issues of child custody, leaving children vulnerable in the custody of an abusive parent.

The ugly torment between Mel and Oksana now centers around their custody battle over nine-month-old Lucia. Oksana has finally spoken out about the allegations against her, saying, "Mel is lying. He's lying. There's no extortion, and there's no texts and no emails."

"I'm fighting for my child,'' she continued. "[Mel's] just a liar, and it will come up in the court, just wait."

Will Oksana's recorded evidence of a partner-gone-mad be enough to protect her in court? And if not, what ever be?

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July 23, 2010

LINDSAY'S 'SPECIAL'

Inmates Get 'Pissy' As Linday's Gets Perks

DOES SOMEBODY AMONG LINDSAY LOHAN'S CAGE KEEPERS have a script in a drawer somewhere?

Just three days into her expected 14-day sleepover in jail and the spoiled starlet's purportedly already getting special favor, according to reports.

"White Oprah" Dinah Lohan, along with baby sis Ali, showed up Wednesday for a visit. And on Thursday, LiLo's sometime-girlfriend Samantha Ronson popped in for some face time. Typically, inmates are only allowed to receive visitors on the weekends. When she was asked outside the jail how Lindsay's doing, Ronson sniped, "How do you think she's doing?"

Later, she tweeted that she was "waiting on a friend."

I guess Sam thinks we’re supposed to feel sorry for Lindsay? Uh uh, not going to happen.

Because even now as Lindsay pays for her sense of entitlement, reports claim that she's getting preferential care in jail. And if those allegations are true, that only further undermines the public's already shaky faith in our justice system.

"She's getting special treatment," Debra Sickels, a recently-released prisoner, told New York's Daily News. Inmates, she said, "were getting pissy over it."

In addition to special visiting privileges, Lindsay purportedly has access to a TV, private phone, special meals, a special room and a dresser for her new prison garb.

"The girls said they cleaned a special room for Lindsay,’’ Sickels reports. “It had a regular hospital bed, a TV and a dresser for her new clothes and socks."

A spokesman for L.A.'s sheriff's department denied that Lohan was getting privileges, saying "there's no special treatment at all."

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Hollywood Breaks Out Of Its Casting Rut

LATELY I'VE NOTICED MORE MOVIES doing a really good job with casting. The A-Team with Liam Neeson as Hannibal and Bradley Cooper as Face is a good example, as is the entire cast of Christopher Nolan's latest epic Inception (which, if you haven't seen yet, should make you feel bad about yourself.)

For a while, good casting seemed to be on the way out, replaced by hiring someone popular with the younger set. With the exception of a few choice movies, these actors always play the same character.

Jay Baruchel is the whiny, awkward nerd (How to Train Your Dragon, She's Out Of Your League, The Sorcerer's Apprentice).

Michael Cera is the awkwardly cute, talking-under-his-breath snarky nerd (Nick and Norah's Infinite Play List, Juno, Youth n Revolt). Justin Long is basically both of them put together (every movie made in the last five years, I swear he's in all of them).

And it's not just these three. Kristen Stewart is the awkwardly shy girl that the awkwardly quiet guy wants in every movie (the exception being that cinematic masterpiece Catch That Kid).

Need a cop? Call Mark Wahlberg.

Mexican "bad guy"? Dial up Danny Trejo.

Aging action star needed? Bruce Willis is on it!

My point is that for a while casting was getting lazy, and the same 10 people -- usually Judd Apatow’s clique – were in every new movie.

Thankfully, a few directors have recently taken dangerous gambles that have paid off.

At first glance, Ellen Page in Inception seems like the odd girl out next to big wigs Leo DiCaprio, Joseph Gordon Levitt and Micheal Caine. The idea of putting Kitty Pryde in this smart thriller seems off, but Page holds her own and manages to even steal some big scenes.

Miranda Cosgrove, as the voice of the adorable orphan in Despicable Me, stands toe-to-toe with comedy veterans Steve Carell, Kristen Wiig and Jason Segal.

Most incomprehensively impressive of all is seeing Topher Grace and Adrian Brody as the serious bad-asses in Predators. That casting beats hiring Eric Bana as Bruce Banner as the weirdest casting choice ever.

I'm proud of the industry for taking risks again. And I hope it catches on because I honestly don’t want to see Mark Ruffalo as Bruce Banner in the Avengers. I don't want to see “Shark Boy” Taylor Lautner playing Wolverine in X-Men First Class. I sure as hell don't want to see a bunch of white kids playing the clearly Asian and Inuit characters in Avatar: the Last Airbender.

You know what I do want to see? Seth Rogan as the Green Hornet.

Robert Downey Jr. and Zach Galafianakis at each other’s throats in what looks like a remake of Planes, Trains, and Automobiles.

And I definitely want to see some more Topher Grace awesomeness, just not as Eddie Brock. We’ve all have had enough of that, don't you agree?

Marc Sakol falls head first into video games, watches every movie ever made and writes for his blog, Sarcasm Not Included.

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July 22, 2010

PICKING UP THE PIECES

Love Is A Many Splintered Thing: Mad Men Returns

YOU GUYS, I am dying to know what happens on Mad Men this Sunday on the debut of the fourth season.

Damn near a YEAR ago, when we left Dashing Don and crew, they’d split Sterling Cooper to start their own agency in a hotel room. And this is really efficient, since we all know that's where these lusty folks would spend most of their respective workdays anyway.

And if that weren't enough to make you sit on the edge of your seat for eleven interminable months, there's the fact that Betty finally found the ovaries to leave Don.

But even though she's on a train to Nevada, I don’t think we’ve heard the last from her yet. My money's on a high-class love triangle. And as one union ends, I’m fairly certain the tension between Peggy and Pete will continue, and maybe even boil over onto another modern, uncomfortable piece of office furniture.

Then there’s Joan. Her bad marriage. Roger’s bad marriage. The office/hotel room. Come on. Totally.

I've got a rather large steel shaker chillin’ in the fridge, and I am SO READY. Bring it, Weiner.

Miz J blogs at Ask MizJ.