(An aside: As a chipper young college student, my grandfather used to cut Alfred Kinsey’s lawn in Bloomington, Ind., but that’s another story.) The study’s results were broad.

As could be expected, an overwhelming majority -- 95% -- defined it as penile-vaginal penetration, but one in ten thought that no jizz, equaled no "sex." A majority deemed oral (70%) and anal (80%) to be "sex."

Bizarrely, 23 percent of men 65 and older rejected penile-vaginal intercourse as sex.

"There's a vagueness of what sex is in our culture and media," said Dr. William L. Yarber, the study's co-author. This is not only irritating when trying to relay information via the baseball paradigm. It's an actual problem when it comes to compiling statistics pertaining to sexual history, in the case of people who, for example, check the “I have had sex with 10 or more people” box during a survey. They could have actually had penile-vaginal intercourse with three partners and oral with seven and conclude that their number is 10.

I mean, we all knew that one girl in high school who was a "virgin" because she’d only done anal, or the friend whose low number seems impossible due to the volumes of blowjobs he receives.

I consider myself to have had sex with seven people, six men and one woman. But if I had to count oral sex,, my number would be in the double-digits.

My mother – who is fantastic – thinks that blowies count. “Oh Mom,” I said. “That would call for me to have a recount, and I really don’t want to do that.”

This tall-dark-n-handsome I know says that both oral and anal count in the final count. “I haven’t sat down and made my tally. But a girl who’s giving BJs so she won't tarnish Daddy’s promise ring is in denial.”

I have trouble counting oral sex in my or other's "number," as I feel that the ability to have oral sex without intercourse shows remarkable self-control, but da butt seems another story. Perhaps it’s that it is so reminiscent of traditional intercourse.

A universal vocabulary seems crucial, especially considering Yarber’s point that "If people don't consider certain behaviors sex, they might not think sexual health messages about risk pertain to them."

The lack of a universal language presents a problem, of course, if you’re gay, and especially if you’re a lesbian.

If a gay man has never slept with a woman, would the 20% who don’t believe anal is "sex" consider him a virgin, even if he'd fucked men? This is even more challenging a question for lesbians, as 70% of people consider oral to be "sex." What about strap-ons; do they count? If they do, I may add that they, to me, seem less intimate than mutual cunnilingus or the infamous “scissoring” maneuver. It's pretty misogynistic to assert that there needs to be a penis to constitute sex.

An ex of mine claimed that she’d had sex with around two-dozen women. She considered my version of "second base," however, to be “sex.” Her reasoning was one of intimacy.

“You just know when you’ve had sex with someone,” she rationalized. And when you do it without a penis, she thought, practically anything was “sex.”

I disagree, and wouldn’t qualify handsies as “sex,” but again, it seems terribly sexist to assert that gay men have “sex” just because there is penile penetration. I do like her reasoning of intimacy though, but just can’t subscribe to the notion that classification is that fluid.

For me, second base is not, and never will be, sex. Third base is up for debate, I suppose, but as of now I don’t include recipients of my blow-jays or people who have had their face in my vadge in my black book. (With the exception of intragender relations.) I’ve never let anyone who hadn’t put it in the front put it in the back, but if under some peculiar circumstance that did happen, I’d consider them that.

Weigh in. What does “sex” mean to you?

What's your pleasure? Got a problem? Write to Avoine at AvoineSauvage@CrabbyGolightly.com