Wow, the party this year is at The St. Regis and not just in one of their fab backyards. Bravo must have ponied up. Simon tries to comfort Tamra before they go in but she's clearly still very upset. She wonders what will make him happy. Does she have to be a Stepford wife?

Jeanna arrives with Kara and stuck-up Shane. Vicki arrives with Don and the kids. Simon starts the digs right away saying "Wow, Vicki's leading Don, that's a change." He's such a shit.

Former Housewife Lauri arrives with rich George and two of their girls. Gretchen arrives in white and she and Slade look kinda... bridal but Tamra says they look like Cinderella and her toad. Alexis and Jim are wearing black and white and someone says they look like they're Dancing with the Stars. They do look like they're ready to Samba or something. Jeanna tells us she wonders if this gathering is a con to announce their engagement. None of these folks trust each other as far as they can throw each other. It could be a gathering of awkward strangers and they would get along just as well.

Lynne arrives with Frank, her mom and the girls. Raquel comes out of their limo pointing her finger in the air and yelling like she just don't care. Everyone thinks they look drunk and they are. Lynne says they were sneaking liquor into their water bottles at the far end of the limo. She claims she didn't know what they were up to but that's part of her delusion. They're all of a sudden screaming like it’s party time and looking drunk and saying they're ready to drink, but she didn’t see what they were doing cause the limo was really big. Right. Oh god, she's so fucking dense.

Vicki and Alexis keep as far away from each other as is humanly possible. Jeanna tells us she thinks that Tamra likes the marriage drama and being in the center of attention as Tamra shows off her tattoo and loudly tells everyone Simon doesn’t like the way she dresses.

Lauri questions Gretchen about Slade, saying he's a housewife hunter and that Gretchen should watch out for him. She seems incredulous that they are really together and thinking of marriage. She tells Gretchen that she and Slade really did go out regardless that Slade says they didn’t. Gretchen grows annoyed at her tone and thinks she should mind her business.

So in turn Gretchen gets on Lynne's lack of parenting because her girls are clearly drunk. To prove that, smart ass Alexa goes over to the bar to order a martini. Frank and Lynne try to reason with her instead of putting their foot down. Raquel and Alexa fight, Alexa and Lynne fight. So much stupid drama, just act like parents!! Everyone talks about their serious lack of parenting skills. The first thing to tell them is to back off the word "like." That’s annoying me! Alexa starts crying and wants to go home.

Slade walks around disgusted that these young girls are already drunk. Oh, drop the 'tude, dude. You’re acting like a housewife. Lynne's pissed that he's embarrassing her. And Kara, sweet and awesome as ever, tries to comfort Alexa.

Alexis' mom shows off her two-week surgery to great acclaim. She's got too much makeup on for me to see a change, but maybe she’s still covering up scars. All the kids, so grown up now, seem to be doing well. A young Asian guy named John, one of Vicki’s employees, makes her day by telling her he thinks Alexis needs a nose job. She smiles and says, “She needs a personality job.” Ha.

Alexis wonders why Simon and Tamra haven't taken her advice and seen a therapist. Gretchen wonders the same thing as she slams Tamra's ring finger tattoo as a joke since it's clear their marriage is in big trouble. Don wonders aloud what Slade does. Lauri says: “He eats Housewives for a living.” This is one of the cattiest parties I've ever been invited to, I love it.

Then we see Tamra, crying and talking about her situation with Vicki, of all people. Big mistake. Frank and Jim talk family and church and it's touching. I think Jim and Alexis are usually sincere but also such judgmental churchy know-it-alls. I’d find it hard to be friends with them.

Vicki counsels Tamra to grow strong and not let Simon boss her around, just what Simon thinks she tells his wife. Tamra says she appreciates Vicki's support but also needs to stick to her husband. Vicki says she would never allow Don to talk to Tamra the way Simon talks to her. Back and forth we go between Tamra crying and Simon bitching to all the men about his troubles. It's complicated, ya’ll. Tamra tells us that Simon tries to blame other people for their troubles.

All of a sudden Simon, feeling abandoned by Tamra and seeing her talking to Vicki and crying, comes running over, bends down and asks, "What's going on? I hear you crying. What are you crying about, what are you talking about?"

He tries to lead her away and continues to grill her on her conversation with Vicki. Then he just decides to leave the party, gets in the limo, and leaves Tamra behind.

The roundup to this season: Alexis is now working for her plastic surgeon (discounts!). And Jim is letting her. Gretchen stills feels lucky to have Slade. We also find out that he’s had a freaking vasectomy that he hasn’t had reversed! What was all that talk of children with Gretchen in the backyard? He, oh, he's such a phony.

Vicki and Don are still happy. Lynne vows to tighten her belt. The family is moving to a more affordable condo and Frank's now working for Lynne, gluing rhinestones on leather cuffs. And as we've known for awhile now, Tamra and Simon have separated and Simon has filed for divorce.

SexyChattyCatty is a regular contributor at CrabbyGolightly.com where she writes on TV, America's favorite snack food.