THE BROKEN HEARTED

Sad Didi Gets Booted From American Idol

"DIDI, IT'S BAD NEWS, SWEETHEART. WE'RE NOT GOING TO SAVE YOU, SORRY."

And with those words, Simon sealed the fate of Idol contestant Didi Benami who received the fewest votes.

Didi's uneven encore of Rhiannon wasn't enough to convince the judges she was worth saving so she's going home. Too bad for Didi and I'll miss her. Would we have liked her more if she hadn't always cried?

Now Tim Urban's become the Sanjaya Malakar of this season. He isn't competely awful but it's a mystery how he's lasted this long.

Next week the surviving nine contestants trade in the soul for Lennon and McCartney's rock and roll.



Nicki R. is a Southern girl living in the big city of Chicago. She loves quiet evenings at home watching horror films with her dogs Jezebelle and Zombie. Check out her blog, Hey, Look Behind You!

Permalink | Comments (0)

March 31, 2010

A MESS

Friend Of Tiger's Waitress Mistress Spilled Sordid Details Last December

AS MORE SORDIDNESS IS REVEALED ABOUT TIGER WOODS IN THE new issue of Vanity Fair, less titillating but unflattering details emerge that paint him as a cheapskate.

In the article written by contributing editor Mark Seal, ex-mistresses Mindy Lawton and Jamie Jungers paint Woods as a tightwad. Lawton said the only thing Tiger ever purchased her was a Subway chicken wrap sandwich. And Jungers admits that she broke off the affair because Tiger refused to help when she was in financial trouble.

That sentiment was echoed in a December interview I had with Peter J. Drake, who also used to work at the Perkins' restaurant where Tiger frequently dined with his wife Elin. "He always made it a point to say hi to her and bye to" Mindy, said Drake, 30, who described himself as very close friend of Lawton's.

In our December conversation, Drake reiterated the cool outward appearance between Tiger and Elin that Lawton’ depicts for the magazine.

“He was either reading a newspaper or on the phone. I don’t think I ever saw them conversing,’’ Drake said. “You’d think that she worked for him, that was my impression…She would normally be the first one to come and she would try to find a table out of the way.”

Drake called Tiger a “15 percent tipper” who refused to even pay for Mindy’s drinks on the first night they met out at the Blue Martini in Orlando. Tiger was “very frugal,’’ he said.“I don’t know if he was doing it to look out for himself.” When Elin paid, he said, she left 20 percent tips.

Lawton’s first encounter with the golf pro came after Tiger telephoned the restaurant to talk to Mindy.

“I answered the phone,’’ said Drake, who then passed the phone to Mindy. ”She turned white as a ghost. I thought she was having some sort of medical crisis.”

Initially, Drake didn’t believe her when she said it was Tiger on the phone, but it wasn’t long before she was confiding details of their affair.

He said Tiger made her and her sister pay for their own drinks at the Blue Martini, an upscale bar in west Orlando where Mindy first met Tiger, and that the two sisters followed Tiger back to his Windermere, Fla. mansion.

Among the private details Mindy shared with Drake was that she didn’t know how to activate Tiger’s computer-controlled toilet.

And back in December Drake revealed another detail about his friend's tryst with Tiger: A tabloid reporter who had been trailing her had confiscated the bloody tampon Tiger discarded in a Baptist church parking lot while having sex with Lawton in his Cadillac. The new issue of Vanity Affair cites the same story.

Drake described the tabloid reporter as “an overweight guy with greasy blonde hair….At first he’d come in and just sit at a table and watch her,’’ he said. “He recovered a bloody tampon that she discarded in the parking lot.”

Mindy alerted Tiger, who soon after ended the affair, according to Drake.

Permalink | Comments (0)

RHYTHYM OR BLUES

Measuring The Soul In American Idol Wannabes

LAST NIGHT ON AMERICAN IDOL, THE 10 FINALISTS TRY TO DELIVER THE RHYTHM AND THE SOUL WITH mentoring from seductive songster Usher.

First up is Siobhan Magnus singing Chaka Kahn's Through the Fire. Her performance feels more like "easy listening" than the R&B edge I know she has in her. She was good but I wasn't sold. Randy said it was all over the place and it wasn't her best performance. Ellen said she was a little off but she loves that she was the one to open the show. Kara says some parts weren't strong but that she delivers every week. Simon compared her to singing while being out of breath. Siobhan seemed very upset by the criticism but, who are we kidding, she's going to make it another week.

Sexy Casey James sings Sam and Dave's Hold On I'm Coming. One of Casey's problems, other than distracting Kara, is that he doesn't change up the songs enough. He always sounds like the original, and last night was no different. Randy calls it a "hot night" for Casey and says he showed a lot of vocal range. Ellen says he sounds generic and is playing it safe. Kara tells him he needs to step up his delivery. And Simon says it's his strongest week so far, which surprises me: I thought he was going to agree with me.

Next, Big Mike Lynche sings India Arie's Ready for Love. Finally someone delivers the soul. Mike definitely pours his heart into this number. Randy loves it even; even though he says Mike wasn't exciting, he says he revealed his sensitive side. Ellen calls it beautiful. Kara calls it an "incredible" performance and one of her favorites. Simon says for the first time he can takes him seriously as an artist.

Didi Benamikept things on the same low pace by singing Jimmy Ruffins' What Becomes of the Broken Hearted. Didi had some flat and pitchy moments and it was not a great performance for her. Randy says he loved the song but the performance flatlined. Ellen booed herself before saying it was dramatic and not her best performance. Kara said she lost her way and doesn't know who she is as an artist. Simon said it was over the top and off melody. Didi's in trouble.

Tim Urban sings Anita Baker's Sweet Love. Usher wanted Tim to sing it with feeling: “Have you ever been in love, man?,” he asks him. Tim answered yes, but I wasn't convinced. Tim was trying too hard to be believable. Randy says he had a "singing waiter" vibe going on but, on the plus side, he sang in tune. But "there was no vibe to it due, it had no swag on it." Ellen said it again: he's adorable! But she didn't like his song choice and made fun of his stage moves saying he looked like he was sneaking into a bedroom. Kara said it was Broadway/Vegas at times, and said he took the soul out of the song. Simon said it doesn't matter because when Tim smiles, the audience will vote for him and he'll be here next week. I didn't think Tim had the best performance but, it's true, the kid has staying power.

My favorite wannabe Andrew Garcia sings Chris Brown's Forever and I lose some of my love for him. He's not hooking me with his choices. Randy sees things differently though and says Andrew's "back" and calls it his best performance in a long time. Ellen says he was great and had a great song choice. Kara says he took a giant leap in the right directions. Simon said it was miles better than in past weeks but that Andrew comes off boring.

Katie Stevens performs Aretha Franklin's Chains of Fools. Katie does a great job bringing a soul vibe to her young voice. Randy calls her performance was a little disconnected but shows she has the pipes. Ellen says the vocals are great but wished she'd picked a younger song. Kara said Katie found where she belongs, but Simon calls the performance robotic and cold. He tells her she needs to make it fun. Obviously Kara and Simon didn't hear the same thing.

Chicago homeboy Lee DeWyze sings The Temptations' Treat Her like a Lady, delivering an amazing rock flavor to the song. Randy calls his performance "the bomb." Ellen says it's the best performance of the night and Kara calls it amazing. Simon said he has believed in him from the beginning and that last night changed Lee's life forever. Wow!

This week, Crystal Bowersox put down her guitar and played the piano while performing Gladys Knight's Midnight Train to Georgia. Crystal proves once again that she's a force to be reckoned with, redeeming her performance from from last week. Ellen acknowledges that Crystal's in it to win. Kara says she's glad Crystal risked showing a different side and that she looks forward to her performance next week. Simon calls her song choice sensational but is concerned that concerned that the process is making her lose her identity. He calls her a "rare" artist who should stay true to her own style.

The show ends with youngin' Aaron Kelly singing Bill Withers' Ain't No Sunshine. This is probably one of the most overperformed Idolsongs but Aaron does a great job keeping it soulful. But Randy calls the performance just all right. Ellen says he did a good job with a good song choice. Kara said she's in like, not love, with the performance. Simon compares it to a cupcake with Lee delivering the main course. He said he's also seen other performances sing the song better. But despite that, Simon admits there's no way Aaron's going home this week.

For tomorrow's finale, I predict that Tim or Didi will say goodbye.

Nicki R. is a Southern girl living in the big city of Chicago. She loves quiet evenings at home watching horror films with her dogs Jezebelle and Zombie. Check out her blog, Hey, Look Behind You!

Permalink | Comments (0)

SEMANTICAL GAMES

Flash Dancers Or Mobsters? It Depends On How Close You Are To The Mayhem

LATELY PHILLY'S BECOME A HOTBED OF UNCONTROLLED MADNESS THE MEDIA'S DUBBED "FLASH MOBS."

always thought of flash mobs as a spontaneous gathering of gentle folk meeting to dance or sing songs from The Sound Of Music. I'm so naive. The word "mob" should be a clue that something's amiss.

The Philadelphia Daily News reported over 2,000 teens gathered on South Street last week, a hip destination of quirky shops and restaurants. They were brought together using social-networking sites like Facebook, MySpace and Twitter. With that amount of teens idling around there's potential for trouble. On the evening news, I saw fights and people being dragged on the ground. One station also reported that a woman had her teeth knocked out.

This was reportedly the fifth "flash mob" to encroach on Philly in the last year.

In its grab for street cred, Gawker blames the mayhem on Philly teens on a call to meet downtown to see a dance crew -- break-dancing of all things. Can't they just converge on someone's house and watch ABDC?

(Gawker's original piece has now been followed by a second piece delineating the differences between "flash mobs" and "party crews".)

"I think it's happening because these kids out there have nothing to do. It's happening out of boredom," Marques Carson, 17, a student at Mastery Charter School in South Philadelphia, told the local paper. "They want to hang out and have fun, by any means necessary."

Terrorizing your fellow citizens is having fun by any means necessary? Bull. Call me an old, but when I was younger we didn’t have anything to do either. But because no one had cell phones and no Internet no Twitter or Facebook, I guess we just found things to do other than terrorize people.

This whole thing is very scary. I work in Center City, very close to the Gallery mall, site of a previous flash mob, and I feel lucky that I haven’t been caught up in a melee... yet. Fortunately our mayor and police commissioner are being tough on the kids they did catch. I'm hoping their crackdown will prevent more of these occurrences before the start of the long, hot summer. "Stop the stupidity. Cut it out,'' Mayor Michael Nutter said publicly.

While researching this piece I googled “flash mobs music” and two headlines struck me. One was - Break Out in Song: Flash Mob Musicals Shock and Delight. The other - Flash mob teens face the music at Family Court. I'd rather wander into an impromptu musical any day.

SexyChattyCatty is a regular contributor at CrabbyGolightly.com where she writes on TV, America's favorite snack food.

Permalink | Comments (0)

March 30, 2010

PREHISTORIC HORROR

Hideous Monster From The Bottom Of The Sea

DO YOU THINK THEY CALL THIS THE "JESSE JAMES" OF THE DEEP SEA?

This giant isopod or Bathynomus giganteus surfaces from the bottom of the ocean courtesy of Gwynzer on Reddit, by way of Gawker et al. Something left over from Xenu's visit 75 million years ago, no doubt.

The hipsters or fauxhemians" over at Gawker were tripping over their tongues about this one. Best lines?

"Like a window right into the Cretaceous."

Well, you have officially ruined the ocean for me."

"As we speak, Lady Gaga is already figuring out how to turn it into a hat."

"My last boyfriend gave me a case of these...".

And, "Sorry, but I see this creature as proof of intelligent design. Nothing so horrific could be created by random events."

Permalink | Comments (0)

GUYS AND DOLLS

Traveling Down The Drag Lane & Back Again: A RuPaul's Drag Race Recap

FIVE DOLLS LEFT. Who will be America's Next Drag SupaStar?

It seems Jessica Wild is sorely missed by everyone but me. And everyone but me is pissed that Tatty's still around.

The theme tonight is mothers, or old men or babies. The mini challenge is to match the 12 queens with their baby pictures in an allotted time. Everyone does well. Tatty, Morgan and Juju were just the cutest little ones. Tatty wins the baby face mini challenge.

The main challenge? Turning men into Golden Girls. In walk five nondescript guys with various occupations -- and all over 50. Ru says the girls must transform these silver daddies into drag mommas -- and don't hold back.

Tatty picks first and she's definitely using strategy: she chooses the man Raven calls "the pretty one" for herself. She gives Juju the pudgy one, Raven gets the balding guy with the full beard and mustache (LOL).

Read Lessons In Bitch Literacy: A RuPaul's Drag Race Recap here.

Read Bad Gay Glam Rock: A RuPaul's Drag Race Recap here.

Read Of Snatch & Preparation H: A RuPaul's Drag Race Recap here.

Read Welcome To The 'Ho Down': A RuPaul's Drag Race Recap here.

Read Sweet Gherkins! Slap Me With A Cutlet! A RuPaul's Drag Race Recap here.

Read Snip & Tuck: RuPaul's Drag Race Returns here.

Pandora gets the guy with the glasses and Tyra, another mustachioed fella.

Tatty's guy immediately complains about the height of his shoes. Says they'll send him to the orthopedic ward. I feel ya, brother. He also proves to be very theatrical, waving his hands around. And he's never done drag before? I'm not sure if that's odd or not.

Raven's guy has all kinds of charms, safety pins and…
stuff hanging from his long-ago tattooed navel area. Wha???? What is that about? He wants to show it off but Raven says, uh, no. He's chosen Golda Lame for his drag name. Pandora thinks her drag mother is hitting on her and Juju's mom doesn’t want to look too fat even though she is… fat.

Tyra's just beside herself having to do drag on someone else. She says she has a hard enough time getting herself together. Ru loves that Tatty is using strategy even though she denies it, but then to us she says she's just doing it quietly. Please.

The moms practice the runway walks. Guest judges: CLORIS LEACHMAN and DEBBIE REYNOLDS! The moms will wear clothes from Cloris' collection.

And surprise! In addition to the runway, the queens have to perform Ru's song Main Event with their new drag mothers. This should be rich.

The mothers practice their walks and the song while they're given instructions to "shave, shave, shave, throw out attitude, flirt."

Theatrical Michael, Tatty's guy, is grooving; he used to work at a disco, don't ya know. Pandora's having trouble putting an outfit together for mom. Tyra's taking dance instruction from her mom but she's not feeling it. Raven’s mom has bad eyesight and she frets whether she'll be able to see her onstage, or fall or something with the bright stage lights. And Tatty's guy is exhausted.

Raven finds it odd to be bonding with someone twice his age but she's starting to like the old coot. Pandora's mom, Litter Box, arrives in a polka dot bikini. Don't ask. The older men are incredulous that the younger ones don't know Oscar Wilde. Time is tight as the queens try to get themselves and the moms on stage. It's time to turn these silver foxes into Golden Girls.

Ru looks like a purple ostrich muff on the runway.

Raven and Golda Lame mince out on the runway. Golda, big smile on her face, walks with bent knees and is truly hysterical. Even I can walk better in heels. Pandora and Litter, in red and black, are showgirl today and showgirl yesterday. Juju's Contessa Touche looks like a battle axe and Tatty's Annalisha begins immediately flirting with the judges.

Tyra and Big Tyra, yes, that's her drag name, look pretty good. "The apple bottom don't fall far from the tree," Ru quips.

The girls and their golden moms will perform together in pairs on different parts of the runway. Juju's guy just stands there, kinda freezes and doesn't smile. Tatty's brings her guy out in a wheelchair and his face is priceless, and Litter knows how to move that thang and gives good camp. Tyra and Tyra, in matching outfits and afros, dance slowly but together and look cute.

Raven notices that her mom is getting tired near the end, so she picks her up and carries her back stage. Awww. She says she would do that for her own mom. Awwwwww.

Ru's having a senior moment and she's looooooooving it! The judges look at before and after photos of the moms while the queens explain their methods of transformation.

Debbie loves Raven but says mom’s dancing wouldn't give Ginger Rogers any trouble. Showing her seldom seen sweet side, Raven gives props to her mom for forging the way to gay.

The judges love Litter Box and wonder if she's drunk she was so much fun. Juju's mom's makeup and hair are fab, but Cloris says Juju's mouth opened too wide when she was lip syncing. They tell Tatty her mom's lipstick is too dark but they thought her mom was funny. Santino loves Tyra’s mom's hair and all the judges love that their outfits match.

The queens go off to the Interior Illusions Lounge to imbibe. The judges think Litter Boxx outshone Pandora, Juju fucked up by going too big, Tatty pulled it out this week and, of course, they think Tyra is gorgeous, but her mom's makeup was wack. They still loved the couple.

Tyra and Tatty are safe. Pandora was outperformed by her mom so she's up for elimination. And Raven wins another challenge. Carrying her mom offstage cinched it for her. Ru says "she ain’t heavy, she your momma." Juju and her mom were out of sync so she's lipsyncing tonight.

The song tonight is Shake Your Love by Debbie Gibson. Both dolls seem to be doing well and Juju's not going too big. Raven says she doesn't see a star in Pandora but she doesn't see anyone else as a star either. Juju shantes and stays, and unfortunately, funny, funky Pandora has to sashay. She falls while going off stage and I don’t think it was a slapstick.

Read SexyChattyCatty is a regular contributor at CrabbyGolightly.com where she writes on TV, America's favorite snack food.

Permalink | Comments (0)

March 29, 2010

BLATHER

Tongues A' Wagging: LiLo's In A Dust-Up & Other Accidental News

LINDSAY LOHAN HAS HIT ROCK BOTTOM, literally.

In just a few short weeks, she was photographed falling face forward into a cactus, denied entry to a Victoria's Secret party, and got dumped from her charity gig on behalf of India for tweeting about saving 40 children in one afternoon. Even L.A.'s finest are reportedly considering committing against her will.

What's next for this unemployed former child star? White power coming out from her shoes. Of course all the wags think it's a perfect metaphor for her rumored coke-tinged life.

The Jesse James scandal continues to unfold.

As Michelle Bombshell McGee's father defends his daughter as a good girl who was lied to by the "Monster," PopEater is reporting that Sandra Bullock is initiating divorce proceedings. "It's over," a friend allegedly says. ""After everything that has happened, it is impossible for them to get back together, even though I'm sure she still loves the man she thought he was." Still unresolved: will she seek custody of her estranged husband's daughter Sunny?

Confirming years of speculation, a recently released report documents that police found 19 tubes of hydroquinone and 18 tubes of Benoquin in Michael Jackson's house. Jackson suffered from vitiligo which causes a loss of skin pigmentation. Both hydroquinone and Benoquin are used to even out the appearance of his skin. Jackson's doctor Conrad Murray is facing in more trouble as a witness claims that he delayed 911 call in order to remove drug vials from Jackson's bedroom. Because of the new claims Murray faces license suspension. So until now he treated patients?

Kim Kardashian's split from Reggie Bush comes amid rumors of him betraying her with -- no surprise -- a blond stripper. As revenge, sh tweeted pics of herself working on her tan in Miami Beach, or maybe just to show Reggie what he's missing.

Angelina Jolie is snapped with baby Knox on a Venice balcony. Where's Vivian?

Pics of her modeling as a 15-year-old are up for auction, but who cares? Everybody already saw them all over the internet. And baby daddy Brad Pitt makes light of his beard, says he grows it out of "boredom." How does he have time to be bored with six kids -- or are they prematurely aging him?

Madi S. is mom to two kids and three cats. She loves pop culture news, movies, fashion, travel, reading and observing the world.

A CONUNDRUM

Dating's Eternal Tango: Do You Play "The Game" Or Not?

By Avoine Sauvage

"I TEXTED HIM TWICE IN A ROW,'' MY FRIEND LAMENTS, hunched over the pages of biology homework scattered across her bed.

"And what's worse, this fucking Blackberry made me separate the first text into two separate ones, so it looks like I texted him three times."

Neurotically, I do everything short of engaging in douchey text-vernacular to cram as much content as possible into one message. I hate looking down at my phone as it taunts me: "You texted twice with no response! Loo-zer!" But I don't tell my friend that.

I advise that she not over-analyze. I need to appear strong, to be a beacon of hope for her as we trek together through the dim, sordid sludge that is dating. And really, that trek boils down to one question: do you skip the bullshit and insist on candor, or do you play it cool and keep 'em guessing?

Regardless of your choice, you're left hoping for the best as the fate of the situation seems to rest placidly in your opponent's palm.

And yes, I do mean "opponent." Much like in Gotham City, in the dating world, no one can be trusted.

I am totally single for the first time in what seems like ages. (And yes, the grass is always greener on the other side of the fence.) My etiquette is rusty. It's been some time since I've considered tweezing my eyebrows before a lunch meeting, and I hate censoring my belches after slurpin' down a few pints.

Although I operate under the guise of apathy as my friend deliberates over her two-texts-appearing-to-be-three conundrum, I can relate. It feels imperative that I reacquaint myself with "The Game," that sophomoric tango that maintains the taut anxiety like a too-tight condom over fledgling relationships.

An old roommate of mine treats The Game like a sport, oscillating from flirtatiousness to frigidity with the grace of a ballerina and strength of a tri-athlete. I fucking suck at it; I trip over the welcome mat as I walk into the stadium, then drool on myself as I send consecutive text messages about my dweeby celebrity crush on Chevy Chase.

Saucy sex is one thing; social graces are another.

Things work out fine for my friend. The dude was out of the country on spring break and responded when he got back in town, and then they met for drinks. Everything was awesome, she insists, until they got to bed.

"It was horrible; I was so uncomfortable," she told me the next day over some Pad Thai. "He was so rough. Like, biting my lip and pulling, yanking on my ponytail, grabbing my waist and squeezing really hard… I was so turned off."

"Did you tell him?" I asked.

"Nah," she said. "It didn’t even seem worth it. That’s how bad it was. I hate dating."

"It’s not so bad," I assured her. “If he’s so great in every other area, give him another chance. And be direct!"

Be direct: was this really my advice again? During my recent stay in California, I held nothing back from my "temp boyfriend," letting him know what I wanted and when and how I wanted it. There was no need to navigate a thicket of emotion; I was in town for a short period of time and it was – more or less – just sex. Much to my surprise and dismay, he began to lose interest right before I left.

"I don’t get it," I told a male friend. “I was so direct. He knew I just wanted to fuck him and that I was fending off any emotional attachment because I was leaving. The sex was great! Isn’t that every guy’s dream?"

"You didn’t give him enough of a chase," the friend explained. "Guys love the chase."

The Chase=The Game, that fucking game coming back to haunt me.

These days, I've got the hots for this TDH (tall/dark/handsome). And even though he and I had an "honesty-is-the-best-policy" and "don't-fret-about-consecutive-text-messages" conversation, I'm trying to play it cool. But for someone like me, whose policy has always been one of ultimate exposure, such a lack of assertiveness makes me feel tentative, awkward, and paranoid. I doubt I’ll be able to keep it up.

As I have said before, mystery is passé. And “The Game”? Well, it can just suck my left one.


What's your pleasure? Got a problem? Write to Avoine at AvoineSauvage@CrabbyGolightly.com

Permalink | Comments (2)

SO MANY REASONS WHY

Paige Miles' Song Choice Foretells Her Fate

AFTER HER DISASTROUS TUESDAY IDOL PERFORMANCE, IT WAS AGAINST ALL ODDS THAT PAIGE WOULD BE BACK NEXT WEEK. Sure enough, you sent her packing Wednesday.

Her cut comes after her painful rendition of Phil Collins' Against All Odds which left Randy Dawg stumbling for words and Ellen complimenting for not falling off her heels. Kara and Simon just gave it to her straight: she was awful. Ouch!

It didn't matter how bad the other singers were, Paige had to go. No one was surprised Wednesday and the judges seemed relieved that they won't have to hear her sing anymore.

And, of course, then there were 10: Lee, Tim, Aaron, Crystal, Big Mike, Andrew, Katie, Casey, Didi and Siobhan, all of whom will be part of the American Idol Tour.

Nicki R. is a Southern girl living in the big city of Chicago. She loves quiet evenings at home watching horror films with her dogs Jezebelle and Zombie. Check out her blog, Hey, Look Behind You!

Permalink | Comments (0)

March 24, 2010

OOZING COOL

Without Much Ado, André Leon Talley Takes Rightful Seat As Top Model Judge

NOT SURE WHAT KIND OF EXPLOSION I WAS EXPECTING, BUT THE APPEARANCE OF NEW America's Next Top Model judge André Leon Talley was kinda… meh.

Oh yes, he's fabulous in his trademark silk caftans, sitting regally with mixed gray fauxhawk and pursed lips. And Tyra tells the girls if they wanna really be on top, they need to impress him.

And I do love his colorful language. He calls one girl a "woodland fantasy nymph," and says another looks like a courtesan. She, of course, has no idea what he means. The girls are so young. He sees lyricism in a photo that all the other judges hate. He says he would hang it in his "salon."

Of course André Leon Talley has a salon while the rest of us spout our best ideas in "living rooms."

He introduces us to the term "dreckitude," meaning the chick's a wreck.

His praise of the despised hated photo saves a crying contestant from elimination and I hope she's grateful. He says she harkens back to Naomi Sims; She cries even more. He gets astonished and calls things gauche. The other poor guest judges, designer Rachel Roy and hairdresser Sally Hershberger, were left in the dust.

OK, maybe no so meh after all; he just played it cool.

SexyChattyCatty is a regular contributor at CrabbyGolightly.com where she writes on TV, America's favorite snack food.

Permalink | Comments (0)

DI*K OUT OF THE BOX

The Count's On For Sandra Bullock's Cheatin' Sweetheart

OUTLAW JESSE JAMES CAUGHT THE CHEATING SYNDROME.

Now the hole he dug for himself becomes a chasm. Like a déjà vu of the past months' headlines about multi-cheater Tiger Woods, more women are coming forward claiming having they slept with the married biker.

James' ex-wife Janine Lindemulder is spilling more details about their time together, and how she caught him when he sent a text message intended for another woman.

Janine, heavily tattooed just like James' playmate Michelle "Bombshell" McGee, says she feels sorry for Sandra for being fooled all these years.

Janine says that everybody around Jesse knew of his cheatin' ways.

In an interview with US Weekly, she says of the time Sandra Bullock said publicly, "I finally have a man who has my back."

And all I could think was, 'No. You have this man who does it behind your back.' "

Seems while pretending to be someone else around his family, Jesse placed ads on Craigslist looking for "tattooed biker girls," and allegedly sexually harassed several women who worked for him.

Meanwhile Sandra is in hiding, rumored to be lawyer-shopping, and presumably, getting checked for STD's. We can only feel more sorry for her. Hang in there, Girl!

Madi S. is mom to two kids and three cats. She loves pop culture news, movies, fashion, travel, reading and observing the world.

Permalink | Comments (0)

REVELATORY

Exposed: Kate Moss Strips Bare For Vogue

WE KNOW KATE MOSS AS THE SIREN IN DESIGNER CLOTHES, spread all over the fashions mags for the past 20 years.

But her new spread in Vogue Hommes International is not about clothes and fashion: it's about skinny dipping.

Kate's shown us before she's not shy about showing her body.But this time she goes all the way and shows off all she's got.

The provocative photo session takes place on an exotic beach, where she lets herself go au naturale in front of the camera of former beau and photographer Mario Sorrenti, "best-known for his spreads of nude models,'' so says Wikipedia.

Maybe Kate wants to prove that she still got it. Maybe she wants a big comeback after the loss of numerous contracts because of her wild night life and drug problem.

Like it or not, this is an improvement from recent headlines about her drunken ways. Let's hope she's on the right track!

Madi S. is mom to two kids and three cats. She loves pop culture news, movies, fashion, travel, reading and observing the world.

Permalink | Comments (0)

HITS AND MISSES

With Mixed Results, Miley Cyrus Shows Idol Wannabes How To Bring It

AMERICAN IDOL'S THEME THIS WEEK: NO. 1 HITS ON Billboard's Hot 100 list. Only the top 10 singers go on the summer's official Idol tour so it's time for them to bring it. Simon reminds them this is not the night to get sent packing.

The contestants' get a shock when they're introduced to mentor, country teen rocker Miley Cyrus, whose wit is evident as she guides them with song choices and arrangements. Who knew?

First up is local favorite Lee. He sings The Box Top's The Letter. I'm not familiar with the original song it doesn't matter; Lee is funky and lively. Randy said he knocked it out. Ellen calls it fantastic. Kara said he raised the bar for himself and he's finally owning the stage. Simon thought he sounded good but his performance and bouncing around was corny.

Paige sings my favorite Phil Collins' song Against All Odds. Poor Paige is offkey and pitchy. Randy calls it terrible. Ellen said she looked nice. Kara says it's the performance of the season. Ouch! Simon says she's in trouble.

Tim sings Queen's A Little Crazy Thing Called Love, and finally finds his comfort spot on the stage. He sings and dances like he's Elvis. Very smooth. The crowd screams for more.

Yet Randy calls the vocals boring. Ellen disses it as a High School: The Musical audition. Kara says he's got a lot of work to do. Simon calls his dancing pointless and silly and says it distracted him from the song. Booo!

Youngster Aaron sings Areosmith's I Don't Want To Miss A Thing. Aaron's vocals weren't great but he gets a break because he's sick. Randy says he's a fan. Ellen calls the song the perfect choice for him. Kara said week-to-week he's getting better. Simon calls the performance "brave" says there's zero chance he's going home this week.

Next up, Crystal sings Janis Joplin's Me and Bobby McGee. Crystal brings an edgy rock tone to the classic song. She didn't do well last week but she's back in the game! Randy says she slayed it. Ellen says the performance needed a dollop of personality but that still she loved it. Simon said he wouldn't change anything.

Big Mike belts out Percy Sledge's When a Man Loves a Woman. Mike's making love on stage with the song. Randy wasn't crazy about the song choice but loves that Mike knows who he is. Ellen says "this woman (her) loves that man (Mike.)" Kara calls it was boring and says she lost her connection with him. But she still loves him. Simon said it was too much.

My other favorite Andrew performs Marvin Gaye's I Heard it Through The Grapevine. Finally Andrew ditches the guitar and loosens up on stage. It was a little cheesy but I thought still good. Randy doesn't agree -- doesn't like it at all. Ellen says she loves him but says wasn't a good song choice. Kara didn't think it was him, she wasn't feeling it. Simon says, “You sucked the soul out of that song, tortured it, and ruined one of the greatest pop songs of all time.” BOOOO!!!

Up next, Katie sings Fergie's Big Girls Don't Cry. Although at spots she's pitchy, her big voice hits the high notes was ease. Randy likes that she listened to their comments and choose a fresher song. Ellen calls it her best performance yet and cracks "“You’re evolving and changing, you’re like the Dakota Fanning of American Idol.” Kara tells her she needs to stick with similar song choices, and Simon credits Miley with helping her performance.

Sexy Casey sings Huey Lewis and the News' Power of Love. It was good but I wasn't wowed...other than by into Casey's eyes and flowing hair. Randy bought it though and thought it was good. Ellen calls it best vocal of the night. Kara said he was ready to make an album. Simon said it wasn't original.

Didi sings Linda Ronstadt's You're No Good. The song was good, not great. Randy says her pitch was off. Ellen calls it the wrong song choice for her, repeating her theme for the night. Kara tells her she's trying to be someone she's not. Simon calls it ironic that she sung "you're no good."

Lastly, Siobhan sings Stevie Wonder's Superstitious. As always Siobhan knows how to kill it on the stage. Randy was happy she chose that song and says she needs to inspire the rest. Ellen begs "more please!" Kara didn't think it was her best performance but calls it amazing anyway. Simon thinks some people will like it and some will not.

Simon said that she and the other contestants need to push themselves and says the night was not good overall.

My bet is Paige is packing. What's yours? We'll find out soon enough.

Nicki R. is a Southern girl living in the big city of Chicago. She loves quiet evenings at home watching horror films with her dogs Jezebelle and Zombie. Check out her blog, Hey, Look Behind You!

Permalink | Comments (2)

YOUR SHOES ARE SINGING

The Perfect Puddle Jumpers

YOU'LL BE SKIPPING THROUGH FOR SPRING SHOWERS IF YOU OWN A PAIR OF THESE WATERPROOF BOOTS.

Clockwise from top left:

Kamik Women's Janis Rain Boot. Available at Amazon for $59.95.

Hunter Original Gloss. At Zappos for $115.

Kamik Women's Wales Rain Boot. At Nordstrom for $64.95.

Aquatalia by Marvin K Giggle Boot. On sale at Zappos for $187.13.

Even better: Aquatalia by Marvin K's Vault Patent Leather boots for an off-putting $398. The rich are indeed different.

Happy skipping!

Permalink | Comments (0)

March 23, 2010

A BLESSING

Oscar 'Curse' Is Reckoning For Women Who Deserve Better

THE HEADLINES SCREAM BEWARE OF THE OSCAR CURSE.

The recent reports state the theory that after an actress gets the most desired trophy, The OSCAR, she gets the boot from her significant other. It's more likely these ladies were married to some guys who couldn't deal with these ambitious, powerful ladies.

Let's look back at some of the the winners. Most recently is Sandra Bullock. That's a no brainer: her husband made headlines cheating on her a with a Nazi-outfitted posing stripper just days after she got the golden guy.

Another recent breakup is that of Kate Winslet and her husband-director Sam Mendes. That''s easy: he needed a new muse. (Rumors are that he got too close to his much younger leading lady, Rebecca Hall.)

Let's move on. Reese Witherspoon and Ryan Phillippe.

It seems he just couldn't deal with her newfound fame after winning the Oscar in 2006, and he jumped in the arms of his younger STOP-LOSS costar, Abby Cornish.

Hllary Swank and Chad Lowe. She blamed his drug addiction. Of course, how he could have deal with her fastclimbing star power?

And the list continues with Julia Roberts and Benjamin Bratt, Charlize Theron and Stuart Townsend, Halle Berry and Eric Benet.

These are just regular Hollywood breakups, in my opinion.The movie citadel is hit by breakups more than it's hit by earthquakes.

As an Oscar winner, I'd be more worried about my career disappearing like that of many Oscar winners who vanish from the list of most-desired leading actors.

I wouldn't call it the Oscar Curse. I'd call it the Oscar Blessing. These beautiful, smart ladies deserve so much better.

Madi S. is mom to two kids and three cats. She loves pop culture news, movies, fashion, travel, reading and observing the world.

Permalink | Comments (0)

JUDGING A BOOK BY ITS COVER

Lessons In Bitch Literacy: A RuPaul's Drag Race Recap

WELL, OUR GIRL SAHARA/SHEREE IS GONE, and Juju realizes she's still here by a lock of her wig.

The queens talk about being tormented as youngsters for being gay, a common theme in the workroom. Pandora surprises everyone when she tells the group she once attempted suicide. How sad. She was tormented mercilessly but she's happy with herself now.

SheMail arrives and Ru reads to them from a book titled Drag Fun with Dick and Jane, then asks them what their stories are. She enters the workroom in a shiny black suit with matching fedora and tells the dolls they'll be "reading" each other, which means "Let the insults fly, bitches!" The library is open.

Tyra's first and really gives it to each one of the dolls, while Tatty tells us it's not her scene and she fails miserably. Raven says Tatty is all about it when she's not up in front of Ru.

Jessica -- what is she saying? Juju gets into it and throws out some Laotian to make her points and it seems Pandora has been waiting for just this chance to get with her fellow contestants. Of course Raven takes it to the limit and throws in a little snap. Ru praises them for throwing beaucoup shade. And Juju gets her first ever win and is ecstatic.

“

Pandora looks great coming "out of the box,” but Santino also hates her green leopard dress and says she looks like a coke whore...

”

Permalink | Comments (0)

STAR STRUCK

In The Gravitational Pull Of Star Astrologer Susan Miller

INSIDE A SMALL MEETING ROOM AT CHICAGO'S DRAKE HOTEL, ASTROLOGER SUSAN MILLER is the figurative sun whose gravity pulls rapt attention from about three dozen acolytes.

Ms. Miller, who pens the monthly astrology column for the fashion mag Elle as well as her famously popular website Astrologyzone.com, is in town to give the year's forecast to well-heeled stargazers who each pay $225 for the privilege. [As an ersatz member of press, I succeed at crashing the party for the price of lunch and coffee --$70.]

And, just like the sun, Ms. Miller is a mass of energy throwing light from the center of the room. Petite and raven-haired, she wears a simple navy dress, black sweater and eye-catching blue rhinestone necklace by Coach. And when she talks, which she does in a melodic rat-a-tat-tat, she punctuates her sentences with laughter.

On this day, Sunday, March 21st, she begins her seminar by reminding those in attendance that "astrology is not destiny" but that "astrology helps you, it helps you so much."

The big astrological news this year are the eclipses on June 26 and July 11, the first of which Ms. Miller promises will be life-altering. She predicts around this date that "the financial market is going to freefall" like an elevator with a snapped cable. And she adds ominously, “I would not be on an airplane from the end of June to the beginning of July.”

Her patrons are eager to find out how this year’s aspects will affect them.

A brunette Scorpio smiles gleefully and giggles with friends when Susan tells her a hot romance is on the horizon. A Libran wants to know if she’ll be able to sell her deceased father’s house. [“Magic, magic. You’re going to get a good price,’’ Susan tells her.] Another Libran is eager to know if her relationship will survive a recent crushing revelation. [“You can throw yourself into work,’’ Susan says. “At least your boss will love you.”]

In addition to touching on the year’s astrological milestones, Susan also throws out well-worn descriptions of the sun signs: Scorpios are “smoldering’’; Geminis are incurable gossips; Taureans are lusty beauties; Pisceans are generous to a fault.

Ms. Miller also reveals this: she is a relentless namedropper, teasing her audience with her brushes with celebrity.

For instance, she tells one woman in the audience that she shares her birthday with fashion designer Jason Wu, with whom she rubbed elbows at a Manhattan event. [“You really understand,’’ she says he told her.]

And, she shares that she’s done the chart of Donald Trump’s baby Baron, whose March 20th birthday falls on the cusp between Pisces and Aries. She tells us she expected the privileged heir to be an Aries, but discovered that he actually is a Pisces. With a knowing air, she declares: “He’s going to give away his father’s money to charity.”

Yet, over the course of six hours – with an hour break for lunch – Ms. Miller also manages to shares wise words that would be appreciated by the most leering skeptic. Among them:

“You never want to life a life of regret.” And…

”Even if you adore your doctor, you should see at least two.” And…

“Sometimes just talking to a person and looking at their face tells you everything.” And…

“Live courageously. Never make a decision out of fear. Because it will never work out.”

But the day's best line is one to be welcomed by believers and nonbelievers alike.

“It’s always good to be born,' Ms. Miller says. "There’s no such thing as a bad birthday.”

Permalink | Comments (2)

March 22, 2010

OVERBOARD?

Disney Steals Silicon From The Pirate's Booty

THE PRODUCERS OF Pirates of the Carribean 4 are looking for young models aged 18-25, with dancer-like bodies who can swim. But here's a catch, they have to have real boobs. Read the casting call: Must have real breasts. Do not submit if you have implants.

Hollywood is in panic. Heidi Montag is calling her plastic surgeon.

Don't try to fool them, they'll put you to test. Yep: You'll try on clothes, bounce around, then pass or flunk the jiggle-test.

If the silicone -free trend catches on, half of Hollywood is walking the plank!

Madi S. is mom to two kids and three cats. She loves pop culture news, movies, fashion, travel, reading and observing the world.

Permalink | Comments (0)

ROMANCE GONE BAD

"Monster" Jesse James Makes Sandra Bullock Look Stupid

AND THE OSCAR GOES TO…JESSE JAMES FOR HIS ROLE AS good, adoring husband! Not that his forced smile gave him away!

On his way to the Governor's Ball after his wife won a best actress Oscar, Jesse declared with a tear in his eye, "She's beautiful. She's amazing. She takes my breath away. Sometimes I look at her and I do, I just lose my breath."

Was he talking about Sandra or his head-to-toe-tattooed girlfriend, Michelle "Bombshell" McGee?

The tabs say that the Monster Garage reality TV star was sexting McGee as recently as March 14th. Now he's issued an apology to Sandra and his kids, saying that the "vast majority of the allegations are untrue and unfounded." Really, then why's he apologizing?

And James' will soon have more to apologize for: TMZ says someone's shopping a pic of him wearing a Nazi costume and making a Nazi salute.

I can't stop thinking about Sandra Bullock's poor judgment in choosing a husband. Another 'sweetheart' heartbroken by a "bad boy." Come on! His ex-wife is a porn-star who spent time in jail, he has 3 kids with 2 different women. Sandra, you should have run at "hello!"

Madi S. is mom to two kids and three cats. She loves pop culture news, movies, fashion, travel, reading and observing the world.

Permalink | Comments (0)

SHRINK RAP

Do Tiger, Jesse Suffer from The Madonna/Whore Complex?

ARE TIGER WOODS AND JESSE JAMES afflicted with the Madonna/Whore complex?

As the marital dramas play out between Tiger and wife Elin Nordegren, and James and Sandra Bullock, similarities between the couples suggest that both men might have psychological problems being intimate with the women they love.

In the simplest language, men who suffer from the Madonna/whore complex are sexually incapable of sexually loving their "good" wives due to their underlying belief that sex is debasing. To meet their sexual needs, these men pursue the "whore" with whom, once they have sex, is never good enough for marriage.

"In the mind of the sufferer, love and sex cannot be mixed…" according to Wikipedia. "He will reserve sexuality for "bad" or "dirty" women, and will not develop "normal" feelings of love in these sexual relationships.

This introduces a dilemma where men may feel unable to love any women who can satisfy them sexually and are unable to be sexually satisfied by any women who they can love.”

Therapists believe that this dichotomy in a man’s psyche develops in childhood when he seeks -- unsuccessfully -- to win an emotionally distant mother’s love. In marriage, the problem is exacerbated by the arrival of children.

According to John A. Speyrer of the Primal Psychology Page, “Intimacy in the present triggers the repressed memory of the hurt and deprivation of the past. Sexual addiction can be used as an act out -- a way for avoiding anxieties of the repressed feelings, especially since such addictions are characterized by a fear of intimacy -- a hallmark of the sexual addict.

Both Woods and James married “good girls,’’ but choose to dally with porn stars and party girls.

Your thoughts? Is this too simple an idea? Or is it obviously true?

Permalink | Comments (2)

March 21, 2010

DIRTY SEXXY MONEY

Sext Messages: Dirty Coin In The New Realm

THE INTERNET WAS A STICKY WIDGET this week with spillage from affairs of the rich and famous gone bad. Now it's official: Sexting is the new coin in the realm.

Notorious porn star and Tiger sex toy Joslyn James went Rambo and launched an Internet archive documenting sext messages Eldridge sent her. The texts include the most intimate language imaginable between whore and the world's most famous john. James appears to hold nothing back from a prying public: To wit: "I want you to beg for my cock. Kiss you all over to convince me to let you have it in your mouth." There's much more for those interested.

Then Sandra Bullock's creepy husband is exposed as slimy two-timer when tattoo model Michelle McGee tells In Touch that she's had a year-long affair with the reality TV star. The tabloid releases a press release touting Jesse James' text messages to McGee, which so far pale compared to Tiger's dirty talk.

Reports surface that McGee received $30,000 for her story and texts.

Perhaps not coincidentally, in a 2009 online study entitled, "Sexting…Is It All About Power?" carried out by RealPsychology.com, researchers concluded that "as a whole, sexters were more likely to strive for power and control than non-sexters."

And sexters with high "power profile" scores had "a strong desire for power, and may often take control in an abrasive or aggressive manner," according to the site.

The week's events bolster those claims.

Permalink | Comments (0)

March 19, 2010

BLAH BLAH BLAH

Good Bye, Lacey Brown

IDOL JUDGES GOT THEIR "WOW'' FACTOR WHEN KE$HA PERFORMED HER HIT Blah Blah Blah backed by TV boxheads.

But you're here to find out which of yesterday's mediocre performers is going home. And the lucky person to escape this sinking ship is Lacey Brown, a pastor's daughter from Texas who sings Brandi Carlile's The Story as her swan song.

Lacey loses out to Paige and Tim, who get to stay another week trying to prove that they're entitled to the crown.

The judges' could have saved Lacey but none thought she was worthy. "It was unanimous, and unfortunately, no, we won't be using it," Cowell said flatly.

One more week down before the next Idol is crowned.

So far, who's your favorite? Who are you betting to win it all?

Nicki R. is a Southern girl living in the big city of Chicago. She loves quiet evenings at home watching horror films with her dogs Jezebelle and Zombie. Check out her blog, Hey, Look Behind You!

Permalink | Comments (1)

March 17, 2010

FAR OUT

WHAT GOD AND BEYONCÉ HAVE WROUGHT TOGETHER.

Via Nickzed.tumblr.com via thedailywh.at.

Permalink | Comments (0)

OUT OF TOUCH

Read My Lipstick: "This Is Stupid"

OH, THE LENGTHS WOMEN WILL GO TO PROVOKE FOREPLAY.

A California company sells lipstick that purportedly changes color when the wearer's feeling randy.

The Mood Swing Emotionally Activated Lip Gloss goes for $18.50 a tube and is sold with a color chart so would-be paramours can gauge the best moment to make their play. Natch.

I can't figure out who'd buy this other than girls who are really, really unsure of themselves. Or, in the alternative best case scenario, those who like to play bedroom guessing games with their beaus.

"This is the ultimate date ice-breaker," Dating Expert Lorraine Adams told the U.K.'s Sun, who acknowledges, "Using it every day could get embarrassing. Would you really want the man on the bus to know if you'e turned on?"

Read my lips: dumb.

Permalink | Comments (0)

GRADING ON A CURVE

On Lackluster Night on Idol, It's Siobhan's Turn To Shine

THIS WEEK'S THEME ON American Idol is the Rolling Stones, and the entire field of 12 packs less wallop than the steelcut rock n' rollers to whom the night is owed. So who roled best with the theme and who just rolled over? Here's the recap:

Big Mike singing Miss You is the first up, delivering a lively if not great performance.

Randy calls it a good way to open the show. Ellen says she's not been disappointed by Mike yet so she's waiting for it. Kara says he delivers the heat onstage. Simon calls his performance kind of corny but says he sang it well.

Next up is Didi singing Playing with Fire. I feel Didi's passion when she's singing. She definitely puts her heart into this one. Randy said it was her best performance and she was on fire. Ellen told her she has an amazing voice. Kara said she is going into the right direction. For once, Simon agrees with everyone.

Up next is the sexy Casey singing It's All Over Now. He blends folkiness with rock. Randy loves it and says Casey's back. Ellen calls it fantastic. Kara calls him a rock sar, and Simon said he looks great, he sang it well but he needed to feel it more.

Lacey sings Ruby Tuesday. I'm not a big fan of Lacey but she brings beauty to the song. Randy says she was interesting but she didn't wow him. Ellen calls it sleepy while Kara calls it meh.' Simos liked the vocals but he feels like she was over thinking it.

Andrew, my favorite, sang Give Me Shelter. I really want him to win so bad but he's losing his way in the game. Randy says it wasn't great, and he was pitchy througout. Ellen calls it is best performance yet. Kara wasn't "feeling the connection." Simon says he's gave it his all but that his performance in rehearsal was better.

Katie sings my favorite Stones' song, Wild Horses, bringing a country vibe to the sweet song. I wasn't feeling it. Randy says it's a very strong performance and Ellen calls the song a good choice. Kara says she's better this week than last, and Simon says it's the first time she's chosen a strong song. He didn't like the second half of the arrangement but it was good enough.

Tim does a reggae version of Under My Thumb that was better than his past performances. Randy doesn't it and Ellen wasn't wowed. Kara was happy he made it his own, but Simon thought it was crazy to change the song.

Siobhan, another standout and favorite of mine, croons Paint it Black. She softens the song yet still rocks hard. Randy said it was hot. Ellen loves her look and sound and says she rises above. Kara credits her with doing the most with her song choice. Simon calls it the standout performance of the night.

Bringing Chicago's pride to the stage, Lee sings Beast of Burden. When he sings the last line "make love to me," I scream YES! at my TV. Randy calls him dope and says it was one of his best performances. Ellen said it was great but she wanted more. Kara says he was growing faster than everyone else, and Simon says he likes him as a person but he think he doesn't shine. Ooomph, that's a kick in the stomach.

Paige sings Honky Tonk Women. Booooring. Ellen says she sounds great even though her voice is struggling. Kara says she hit big notes -- and reveals that Paige has laryngitis. Taking that into account, Simon says she did a great job.

Aaron sings Angie.For a 16 year-old, Aaron does a great job. Randy says he was born to sing; Ellen calls the song a great choice for him. Kara calls the performance powerful. Simon says he had feared for him when he heard it was Stones' week but that he chose the right song.

Crystal closes the night with You Can't Always Get What You Want. It wasn't the best performance but it was okay. Randy says he loves her but that tonight's wasn't his favorite performance. Ellen says she's sang with such ease that she's missing personality. Kara calls her too comfortable, and Simon points out though she's the clear favorite, she's lacking drama and doesn't the contest in her pocket anymore.

Who's going home? My guess is Tim or Lacey. What's yours?

Nicki R. is a Southern girl living in the big city of Chicago. She loves quiet evenings home watching horror films with her dogs Jezebelle and Zombie. Check out her horror blog, Hey, Look Behind You!

Permalink | Comments (0)

MAY THE CENTRIFUGAL FORCE BE WITH YOU

India's Diamond Maruti Car Circus

WHAT COLOR IS YOUR CRAZY? Here's thrillseeking Indian-style, in lieu of snowboarding, carnival rides and luging. People are nuts.

Via Gawker via Uncle Billy Unctator.

Permalink | Comments (0)

March 16, 2010

ETCETERA

Incidentally, On Reality TV...

ON BRAVO'S WATCH WHAT HAPPENS, we found out that NeNe Leakes thinks Kim is gay for payday. And she and Jill insist that Big Poppa is still very much in the picture.

THE OH-SO-LONELY Countess LuAnn has been palling around with a much younger boyfriend and acting badly at parties. She's also sharing her etiquette tips over at OK magazine.

SOME RANDOM GUY NAMED GEORGE PAGE is suing Bravo for airing clips of him speed-dating Sheree. You can see a clip of the date on TMZ. Does he really think anyone has any real interest in that clip? Does he? Really?

STILL NEED PROOF THAT these women weren't friends before the show? An interview with Lynne Curtin on Show Tracker.

AND GREAT NEWS AT Entertainment Weekly.com. Bravo announces the return of The Fashion Show and Tabitha's Salon Takeover along with 5 new shows including a Real Housewives of Beverly Hills. Also in development is a reality show that follows So You Think You Can Dance choreographer Mia Michaels. So awesome.

SexyChattyCatty is a regular contributor at CrabbyGolightly.com where she writes on TV, America's favorite snack food.

Permalink | Comments (0)

UNMASKED

Rielle Hunter: The Crazy At The Center Of A Storm

FOUR YEARS AFTER SHE HAD HIM AT HELLO, GQ delivers a revealing interview with the crazy at the center of John Edwards' storm.

Rielle Hunter, who turns 46 March 20th, invites a reporter over for a sleepover, confides details of her deceitful two-year sexual liaison with a presidential candidate who's wife has cancer, poses seductively on the resulting love child's twin bed with Kermit, Dora, Barney and a hoot owl, then cries "repulsive" when the pictures go meta.

The media had a field day Monday mocking Hunter's witless blunder. The Boston Herald snaps "Really Rielle? Get Your Pants On!" while Wonkette cracks, "RIELLE HUNTER IS NOW SAD! Jesus, did she think they'd Photoshop some pants onto her?"

And while the pictures of the adulteress in men's white dress shirt on her daughter's bed are provocative, they aren't nearly as revealing as the 10-page interview in which a blithely self-unaware Hunter dispenses relationship advice, asserts that "Johnny" "doesn't lie," claims "compassion" for his dying wife, and confesses bedding Edwards' hours after meeting him."Everyone talks about how Johnny has fallen from grace. In reality, he's fallen to grace,’" Hunter says. "He is integrated. He is living a life of truth. He has grown in awareness and humility. He had all these things within him, but they weren't the guiding, leading principles of his life. Now they are."

Yet Hunter conveniently ignores that Edwards’ divine fall only arrived after an undisputable National Enquirer photograph; that he renewed his wedding vows with his wife Elizabeth when she herself was pregnant; that he disavowed her publicly on national television; that he doesn’t fear her because she has already cost him everything he owns

And when Edwards called her after publicly stating that Elizabeth was the only woman he ever loved, Hunter says she told him, “Ouch, that hurt." And he said, "I'm sorry." And "It doesn't mean anything." And it didn't. I know he loves me. I have never had any doubt at all about that.”

It would be so easy for the rest of us to forgive the tangled mess Edwards’ has made out of his own life -- and dozens of others’ lives -- if we too possessed Hunter’s magical ability to discern when the former Democratic presidential candidate means what he says or means what he does.

Hunter does succeed in convincing us that Edwards has met his perfect match: He’s finally found someone who love him as much as he loves himself.

Of their first night together, she says, “I had never experienced anything like what was flowing between us. …It was just this, this magnetic force field like I had never experienced.”

And still more: “We had an extraordinary night, and I did know that this was unlike anything either of us had ever experienced. And as we have all learned, that was accurate! “

And then: “We love each other very much. And that hasn't changed, and I believe that will be till death do us part. The love doesn't go away. It's unconditional. It's unconditional on my part, but our connection is profound.”

Throughout the extensive interview, Hunter tries to even the score against Elizabeth Edwards and Andrew Young, the faux father of her two year old girl named Frances Quinn. She insinuates Young is a thief, a liar and a homosexual. And she paints Elizabeth as a wrathful emasculator for whom she nevertheless feels “compassion.”

Ultimately, though, Hunter, whose own lawyer father was a conniving cheat, conveys how clueless she is about performing the dirty work for her “humanitarian” boyfriend.”

Of this interview, Hunter says that Johnny is “very supportive of me talking now. He believes that it's something that will help me be at peace with it. And he knows how important truth is to me. Factual truth as well as spiritual truth.

As a federal investigation of Edwards’ campaign payments to Hunter’s video company continues, as an epic divorce fight looms, Edwards’ has given his blessing for Hunter to talk. Because, even though she's too blind to see, Rielle Hunter is a tool.

Permalink | Comments (0)

A HOT WAX MESS

Bad Gay Glam Rock: A RuPaul's Drag Race Recap

RAVEN LAMENTS THE LOSS OF MORGAN BUT WHAT SHE REALLY FEELS IS, hey, one mo ho down. Tyra's thinking about the bad blood that still runs between her and Tatty when Ru's She-Mail announces a rock and roll night.

Ru enters the workroom in black cycle gear. The mini-challenge: styling a wig into rock chick hair in 30 minutes. Tatty's worried and Juju wants to win her first challenge. Lots of teasing and gluing and 29 minutes later we see the most horrible creations known to man in hair. Tyra, who seems to know nothing before the advent of Beyoncé, calls hers Sasha Fierce. Sigh. And Raven rocks a rocker mom. Tatty says her girl got completely trashed and her wig definitely is. Ru says Sahara's is too subtle, and Pandora's is Mustang Sally.

Jessica used some green hair and says hers is modeled on Jem. Ah, no.

Juju begins her story by telling Ru her girl was shopping for deli meats when Ru stops her and asks when she lost control of her wig. And the winner: Pandora with her less ugly hot mess, I guess.

For the main challenge the he-ladies will transform themselves into hot rocker chicks using their own drag. Ru commands them to take it up to 11.

And, for the first time ever on the Drag Race, they’re singing LIVE to Ru's song LadyBoy. Their vocal coach is Berlin's Terry Nunn, who I have to confess I know nothing about. Ru said they sang Take My Breath Away, so I google it and then realized, duh, it's the song from Top Gun.

Jessica says she sings with a band, so if she doesn't win this challenge what will she win. "Girl, I feel the same way," Juju says with a wrist snap. She says none of these bitches can carry a tune so she should be In like Flynn. She can sing. Oh gosh, I think I need a drink before they start calling dogs. Excuse me.

Furious sewing ensues and they begin learning the song lyrics. We find out Tyra doesn't know much about Tina Turner and has only seen her with, say it with me now, Beyoncé. Raven confesses she's a no-singing ass and to deflect from this fact she plans on working the stage. Jessica's outfit looks cute so far, kinda early Madonna. Ru asks Sahara how she's gonna stay out of the final two this week, hahahahaha. And she encourages Jujubee to win her first challenge.

Yes, yes, yes. Henry Rollins is a guest judge this week and my heart starts beating fast. I do know who he is since he sings one of my favorite songs of all time, "Liar." Check it out but beware: It's not for the faint of heart. It’s for the lonely of heart. One of the girls also has a crush, calling him "manly" and noting his huge hands. And you know what that means. Huge hands means huge... hands.

Coaching begins and Terry Nunn, even after listening to Raven, wants to fuck him....but he’s gay.

What the hell is Jessica singing? Pandora flounces around the stage. Terry's being the Paula Abdul of DragRace, encouraging and a bit ditzy. And poor Tatty still can’t get thru it.

Elimination and everyone's really nervous. While doing their makeup the dolls talk some more about coming out and previous drug use because of it. They're all looking good. Juju thinks everyone thinks she’s the one to beat.

Runway time and Ru's fieeeeeeeeeeeeeeeerce in black tulle, her hair like lightning, it's fantastic, orgasmic, 10-feet high superhero hair. She introduces the judges and now, ugh, it’s time for the singing. Bottoms up!

The singing is what you'd expect but the dolls look good.

Jessica’s channeling her inner Madonna, wearing a long, bright blonde wig, perfect for head-twirling. Pandora has the moves, remembers to ask everyone to clap their hands and sounds ok. But she’s dancing out of step.

Sahara comes out screaming like a fucking banshee and Henry looks at her like she’s lost her mind, and then she forgets the words. Tatty, which Santino spells Tati, gyrates all over the stage in painted-on skintight black leather pants and wifebeater. Raven's in black and white stripes with her ass hanging out of a thong. She's feeling it. Tyra’s voice is deep and horrible and, as usual her outfit is Beyoncé -lite. She gets the death stare from Henry as well. And, surprise, surprise, surprise, Juju's not as good a singer as she pretends to be all episode. She freezes and also forgets the words. She’s fucking up and she knows it.

Ru lies that that was the best concert she’s seen in a long time. They like Jessica, and Henry says he likes the way she used her hair as a weapon. They all say Juju fucked up and she’s devastated. Pandora’s gonna make the cut, Sahara didn’t know any of the lyrics and was not rocker enough, Tatty’s worked her body but is still not a rock star. They check out Raven fishnetted ass and say she sold them. Tyra was too glamourous to rock.


The judges discuss and make their choices. Everyone is flabbergasted that, after all that talk, Jujubee was the most awful. Me too, brothers and sisters. I just knew girlfriend was gonna take off but I did notice they never showed her even humming during the hour. Of course she couldn’t sing.

Tyra has immunity and Jessica, Pandora and Raven are safe with Jessica Wild the winner. Who cares we couldn't understand a word. But she doesn’t win immunity, no more of that shit from now on.
,br>It’s getting serious, bitches, says Raven. Jujubee was the one to beat but Ru says she's up for elimination. Tatty channeled her inner Britney and is safe and Sahara is up as she is every damn week.

The song this week -- Permalink | Comments (3)

STATE OF MIND

Same Backstabbing, Different Coast: New York Housewives Return

THE NEW SEASON OF THE NEW YORK HOUSEWIVES BEGINS WHERE THEIR O.C. SISTERS LEFT OFF -- with a girls trip gone bad.

Ramona rents a yacht and invited all her girlfiends out. Alex, Jill and LuAnn attend and Alex is shocked at Ramona's warm welcome after all the shit talking she does about her. Everyone's having drinks and fun when LuAnn brings up a remark she overhead from Mario. It seems he called her "Countless." Which really is kinda true since she now is Count less. Since it really isn't the time or place for it Ramona goes off and accuses her of being rude and wanting to ruin her outing. Jill jumps in, Ramona feels attacked and flees to go cry and hang out inside with her other "real" girlfriends. The trip ends with hugs and champagne but hurt feelings remain.

From her reaction, Bethenny told Jill the worst thing she's ever heard: "You need to get a hobby."

It’s just a case of one friend not being able to hang out so much with you anymore. It happens, Jill, and grownups deal with it. Maybe you do need a hobby besides gossip. Bethenny's been busy growing her business and being in love and that leaves little time to go swanning around New York with Jill. She also has a very unpleasant lunch with LuAnn that leaves her shaking with indignation.

Bethenny and Jason have drinks with Ramona and Mario. Ramona, totally delusional as usual, talks about cutting her gorgeous long blonde hair and being raped by Jill and the Countess on her yacht trip. The “Countless” remark comes up and Bethenny says she would have said the same thing, especially after her disastrous lunch the LuAnn. She also lets loose that LuAnn and the Count were both screwing around on each other. OOO, didn’t know all that but I believe it.

LuAnn’s former “girl” Rosie comes out to visit. She’s given up (or lost in the divorce) the New York townhouse and is living year round in the Hamptons' house, and that's why they lost Rosie’s services. Although LuAnn talks about how she and Rosie confide in each other, from what I can see it’s all about LuAnn and her troubles. After hinting that she’s like Rosie to teach her new “girl” how to make Rosie red snapper she tells us they’re “friends.” I think Rosie cares about the family but when she names her friends I don’t think LuAnn would come up.

Ramona and Mario's next victims for drinks are Alex and Simon. Simon and Mario show up dressed similarly in pink shirts and white suits. How very Hamptons! Simon says Ramona looks like a young Cameron Diaz and she giggles like a school girl. Alex tells us that she knew Ramona would eat that shit up. Ramona invites them to her Labor Day barbeque. “Countless” comes up and Mario says LuAnn should come off her high horse. But... he does call to invite her to the barbecue but never really apologizes.

Jill and her family spendd the Labor Day weekend at LuAnn’s. Jill was invited to Ramona’s barbeque but doesn’t want to go since her hostess isn’t going. Jill calls Ramona and puts her on speakerphone. Bad move. Ramona goes off after she says she doesn’t want to come to the party. Calls her rude, calls her a slut and says she’s always had men in her life even when she was married and maybe that’s why her husband divorced her! Jill demands Mario apologize for his remark. And it ends there.

Jill also says that people shouldn’t worry about what other people are doing. Exactly what Bethenny told her. Ha. They both diss Bethenny with LuAnn saying men come and go but girlfirends are forever. Which is usually true. But as we get older, ladies, men tend more often to stay. At least we hope they will.

Jason asks Bethenny to live with him and she gets all teary and wonders how she's come to have it all. The great career and the great guy. Sweet.

Ramona prepares for her barbeque and hopes Alex and Simon don't bring their kids. She grouses about Jill not coming. Jill thinks Ramona should understand that since she’s staying with the Countess she can’t come over. Kelly arrives and acts all mysterious and says something’s happening tomorrow. LuAnn worries that she got arrested again. Jill also thinks it’s something bad since she’s acting so weird. Well, it turns out that she’s been chosen to be on the cover of Playboy for their 40th anniversary edition. It’ll be topless and -- LuAnn says -- inspirational. LuAnn turns it around to herself and says she was on the cover of Playgirl hundreds of years ago and offers to go get it. Yeah, they really want to see it. Not.

Ramona didn’t invite Kelly to her party and for that I give her props. She did invite Bethenny, who’s weirded out when she finds out Alex and Simon are coming. She didn’t use Alex’s logo for her company. She immediately comes out with it and thanks her for all her hard work. Alex is OK with it, her only problem was that she’d heard Bethenny said she’d wanted something "better." The group talk about how Jill likes the underdog and that now that Bethenny has a man she doesn't have time for Jill. Some chick named Jennifer tells Bethenny how hurt Jill is by her actions. Bethenny’s reaction -- too bad. Get a hobby. I think Jill’s chosen Kelly for her next charity case anyway.

Alex and Simon, feeling caught in the middle of the 2009 battle of the barbecues, first go to Ramona's but dip out to go over to LuAnn’s. They make no bones about it either. But Ramona gets upset when they leave. She’s pissed that LuAnn invited them. She gets the crazy eyes under her new short do.

Alex decides to stay at LuAnn’s. She calls Jill and tells her she can’t make a graceful exit. Jill pumps for gossip and she says there was no hatefest, that LuAnn didn’t want to be around Mario and Jill didn’t wanna be around Bethenny. They hate her anyway.

SexyChattyCatty is a regular contributor at CrabbyGolightly.com where she writes on TV, America's favorite snack food.

Permalink | Comments (1)

March 15, 2010

ALTERNATIVE PLAN

Gay Fantasia On Ice: Johnny Weir Proposes Touring Show With Lady GaGa

THE FANTASTIC MR. FOXY Johnny Weir doesn't need no stinkin' Stars on Ice gig. That's for little girls and sparkly boy-wannabes. The fabulous Johnny's got bigger dreams: His own touring ice show with the Lady Gah!

Just days after reports hit the web that Weir was denied a spot on the U.S.'s only figure skating tour because he wasn't "family friendly," Johnny confirmed to Access Hollywood that the rumors were true.

"It is for real. I've never been invited to do Star on Ice before," Johnny told Billy Bush. "It's disappointing that I can't perform for my American fans… all because I'm not 'family friendly' enough."

The quotable, perpetual drama queen, who's flamboyant antics have made him a star off the ice, then muses that "right now, just artistically and creatively, I'd love to have my own show and my own tour and involve some big musical acts, like maybe getting Lady Gaga.

Just imagine the orgiastic display of vice and glitter in the Johnny Weir & Lady G's Spectacular Heels On Ice! show. What a bonanza that would be for gay "little monsters": two icons in one golden ticket! Let's pray he's let in to the Haus of Gah.

And if Johnny's daydreams still don't materialize, he still could always appear in one of GaGa’s crime-spree ridden videos as accomplice in audacity.

Permalink | Comments (3)

March 14, 2010

WHATEVER 'IT' IS

How Do You Define S E X?

SO THIS COLUMN IS ABOUT SEX, RIGHT? Seems simple enough.

But really, what IS sex?

Of course, there is the umbrella of "sex," under which everything sexual in nature resides. But when you say you "had sex with someone," what does that mean?

Before some heady examination, one may think it's as simple as the baseball paradigm of bases, ending with, naturally, p-in-vahgee intercourse. This is much too basic, much too trite, and -- as I've found in various conversations -- has meanings that are incredibly skewed from person to person.

I personally have always thought that first base was making out, second was HJs, third was BJs, and when you reached home plate -- intercourse -- you were able to say you'd "had sex" with someone.

Of course, it is NEVER that simple. The Kinsey Institute at Indiana University, named after the vaunted sexologist Alfred C., asked 204 men and 282 women their definition of the term "had sex."

(An aside: As a chipper young college student, my grandfather used to cut Alfred Kinsey’s lawn in Bloomington, Ind., but that’s another story.) The study’s results were broad.

As could be expected, an overwhelming majority -- 95% -- defined it as penile-vaginal penetration, but one in ten thought that no jizz, equaled no "sex." A majority deemed oral (70%) and anal (80%) to be "sex."

Bizarrely, 23 percent of men 65 and older rejected penile-vaginal intercourse as sex.

"There's a vagueness of what sex is in our culture and media," said Dr. William L. Yarber, the study's co-author. This is not only irritating when trying to relay information via the baseball paradigm. It's an actual problem when it comes to compiling statistics pertaining to sexual history, in the case of people who, for example, check the “I have had sex with 10 or more people” box during a survey. They could have actually had penile-vaginal intercourse with three partners and oral with seven and conclude that their number is 10.

I mean, we all knew that one girl in high school who was a "virgin" because she’d only done anal, or the friend whose low number seems impossible due to the volumes of blowjobs he receives.

I consider myself to have had sex with seven people, six men and one woman. But if I had to count oral sex,, my number would be in the double-digits.

My mother – who is fantastic – thinks that blowies count. “Oh Mom,” I said. “That would call for me to have a recount, and I really don’t want to do that.”

This tall-dark-n-handsome I know says that both oral and anal count in the final count. “I haven’t sat down and made my tally. But a girl who’s giving BJs so she won't tarnish Daddy’s promise ring is in denial.”

I have trouble counting oral sex in my or other's "number," as I feel that the ability to have oral sex without intercourse shows remarkable self-control, but da butt seems another story. Perhaps it’s that it is so reminiscent of traditional intercourse.

A universal vocabulary seems crucial, especially considering Yarber’s point that "If people don't consider certain behaviors sex, they might not think sexual health messages about risk pertain to them."

The lack of a universal language presents a problem, of course, if you’re gay, and especially if you’re a lesbian.

If a gay man has never slept with a woman, would the 20% who don’t believe anal is "sex" consider him a virgin, even if he'd fucked men? This is even more challenging a question for lesbians, as 70% of people consider oral to be "sex." What about strap-ons; do they count? If they do, I may add that they, to me, seem less intimate than mutual cunnilingus or the infamous “scissoring” maneuver. It's pretty misogynistic to assert that there needs to be a penis to constitute sex.

An ex of mine claimed that she’d had sex with around two-dozen women. She considered my version of "second base," however, to be “sex.” Her reasoning was one of intimacy.

“You just know when you’ve had sex with someone,” she rationalized. And when you do it without a penis, she thought, practically anything was “sex.”

I disagree, and wouldn’t qualify handsies as “sex,” but again, it seems terribly sexist to assert that gay men have “sex” just because there is penile penetration. I do like her reasoning of intimacy though, but just can’t subscribe to the notion that classification is that fluid.

For me, second base is not, and never will be, sex. Third base is up for debate, I suppose, but as of now I don’t include recipients of my blow-jays or people who have had their face in my vadge in my black book. (With the exception of intragender relations.) I’ve never let anyone who hadn’t put it in the front put it in the back, but if under some peculiar circumstance that did happen, I’d consider them that.

Weigh in. What does “sex” mean to you?

What's your pleasure? Got a problem? Write to Avoine at AvoineSauvage@CrabbyGolightly.com

Permalink | Comments (0)

March 13, 2010

LIFE IMITATES PRODUCT

Lady Gaga Blurs Life & Art For Sake Of The Sale

IT'S ALL PART OF THE PLOT:

Lady Gack goes to L.A. Airport for an international flight wearing a tulle veil and dark shades and refuses to remove them for security, prompting a full body search and provoking bondage fantasies for her fans.

And it all happens just in time for the release of her new video!

Telephone, featuring Beyoncé, made its web debut Thursday, prompting Gaga's little monsters to slobber and wet their panties.

The video depicts Lady G being tossed into a prison cell and stripped searched by two butch prison guards. But she's not incarcerated for too long before Honey B shows up, bails her out and steers the Pussy Wagon on a murderous road trip.

The 9:22 video is cliche wrapped in camp shrouded in homage to 70s Blackspoitation, made-for-TV lesbian prison flicks, feminist outlaws Thelma & Louise and Quentin Tarantino.

"I told you she didn't have a dick,'' says one jailer after tossing Gags in a cell and strip searching her. "Too bad,'' says a second.

And with those quips, Gaga responds to the wags who've taken to publicly groping her privates with their tongues looking for a penis. But is it mere coincidence or something more when, seven minutes in, the refrain I don't want to talk anymore increasingly begins to sound like "I don't want to tuck anymore?"

Is Gaga trying to feed the urban myth that she's a hermaphrodite? Cause wouldn't that make her happy, really jettison her star into the upper hemisphere?

The video also deliberately has lots of product placements. Because in the ironic age in which we live, everybody pokes fun at commercialism while simultaneously coveting the iconic trappings of wealth.

And so we have Gah reflecting our hypocrisies while creating a parallel situation in real life -- the strip search at the airport -- all for the sake of the sale.

Bravo, Gaga, bravo.

-

Permalink | Comments (0)

March 12, 2010

SURPRISE ENDING

American Idol Pours On The Heartbreak

BOO AND BOO HOO!

Americans' sent home four performers last night and it's night's like these that makes you think the vote is rigged.

First to go is Katelyn Epperly. I was happy to see her go since she hasn't wowed me this year. Apparently the judges are looking for people with "wow" factors and Katelyn doesn't have it.

Then Todrick Hall gets the boot. I thought he did a great job and he moved the audience. But I guess he didn't "wow" America and wasn't memorable enough to get votes.

Then Alex "Mullet" Lambert gets cut -- but still not the one he needs!

Yes! Alex did good this week but maybe he'd be better without that mullet! Not too sad to see him go.

The big shocker is the last girl to be eliminated. The show pits Katie Stevens and Lilly Scott against each other and it's the very talented and amazing Lilly who's sent packing.

I would have bet gobs of money that Lilly was going to make it to the final top 10. This is a sad moment in American Idol history. I haven't been as heartbroken since David Archuleta lost two years ago.

The show goes on. Next week the top 12 contestants compete to see who will be the next American Idol.

Nicki R. is a Southern girl living in the big city of Chicago. She loves quiet evenings home watching horror films with her dogs Jezebelle and Zombie. Check out her blog, Hey, Look Behind You!

Permalink | Comments (1)

SERVING UP EXPIRED

O.C.'s Real Housewives' Leftovers Leave Bitter Aftertaste

AS IF WE HAVEN'T HAD ENOUGH, BRAVO SERVES UP ANOTHER DOSE OF BATHOS WITH BACK-TO-BACK "Reunion" shows of the O.C.'s Housewives. Didn't the season just end?

Of course, we can never see enough squabbling between husband and wife (Tamra and Simon), mother and daughter (Lynne and Alexa), friend and spouse (Vicki and Simon). So we get to see it all again!!

And there's never enough time to illustrate how slippery slimey Slade Smiley actually is. (Try saying that five times!)

We discover that Gretchenis singing now as well as producing a makeup line. I heard a little bit of her song. Meh. She brought Vicki's jaw to the ground when she tells us she bought Jo's music catalog. Yes, Jo of Jo and Slime. Of course, I'm sure she was urged on by Slime; how else would she know it was available?

And we saw what a great music career he guided Jo to.

Andy says it's funny no one has anything good to say about Slade. Damn right, everyone hates him. All over the world, according to Vicki who swears she heard him being dissed in the Vatican. That's wild, but I believe it. Lynne finally says something coherent when she comments that she thinks Gretchen's being brainwashed and separated from her friends by Slimey. Yes, everyone hates him but as is usually the case girlfriend sees that as a need to protect him more. Let's just drop it.

But no. They bring up how he's an opportunist and famewhore and the worst thing that could happen to Gretchen would be a reversal of his vasectomy. Vicki says she doesn’t want to share the stage with him. But of course Gretchen defends: ""At the end of the day he's the person I'm in love with and I ask that you guys respect and don't talk negative about him."

Hour two begins with clips of Lynne's many famed foibles. Someone wonders if Lynne's so mellow because she's a stoner. These shows really do have the best audience questions. She owns up to drinks and maybe a pill or two. Or four.

Vicki and Don are back in love. Her love tank is full.

Oh god, clips from the dinner party. Who works, who doesn’t. Who’s trash and who isn’t. And we hate Alexis. She's talking about texting her family while in San Francisco. Vicki says she feels Alexis thinks she's superior to everyone. Tamra tries to soften that by calling it confidence. I call it stuck-up bitch as I watch her sitting there rolling her eyes around in that duck head of hers. There's strong personality and then there's obnoxious. She's the latter.

Talk turns to the economy and the woes of folks we thought had money in the bank. All except for Vicki, of course. She works hard, as she never fails to remind us. Her lifestyle hasn't changed a bit. Uh oh, the dinner party again. She knows everyone works but she works the hardest. Then she gets into a tiff with the wives one by one on who does what. Basically she says you can't eat love.

How's Jeanna doing? Well, here she comes. First thing out of her mouth is that Vicki doesn’t visit her anymore. Then they talk about the TP'ing of her house the night of the slumber party. How old are they? Who does that anyway? She's still not divorced and Matt is living in and out of her house. She's so soft. She throws out her opinion that Tamra and Simon should stay together and Tamra pretty much says mind your own business.

Hah, then Jeanna talks about how Tamra cried about her parents' divorce even though she was 27 when it happened. I think she called her trailer trash too.

The husbands come on but Simon is missing. Jim says he just wasn't feeling it. I'm sure. Andy reads a comment that says Jim is controlling and a girl's worst nightmare. Then Alexis pipes in and says that he's actually changed a diaper. He says it's because he’s traditional and Armenian. He’s no Andy.

Don talks about how broken their marriage was last season and how he and Vicki are trying hard to repair it. Andy wonders why Don didn’t defend Vicki when Simon was constantly ragging on her. He mumbles some excuse. It seems he and Simon were good buds but that’s all over now.

Poor Frank, he's trying too. He's just a poor guy who makes bad choices. I think Lynne was one of them.

The bearded Slimey hasn't a clue why everyone hates him. Jim, it seems, kinda envies him. Slimey just likes to dates hot women. So sue him. He didn't even want to be on the show. Gretchen begged him. Right. Why don’t I believe that? They got together about 5 months after Jeff died. Ewwwww. He was supposed to be a good friend of Jeff's.

More Slime. Now he denies influencing Gretchen into music. And also that he and Laurie weren’t seriously dating. Liar. Liar. Liar. Laurie thought she was in a relationship. Ooooo, he looks like a caught fish.

Gretchen doesn't believe any of this. She's in love. Dickmatized maybe more like it. I caught a glimpse of little sumtin' sumtin' when they had that tanning party and he stripped nude. Hmmmm. A Gretchen and Slime wedding? He shrugs and says ya never know. She smiles, bounces and says "yay." Pure slime.

Andy wonders what a normal marriage. We see clips of the couples' commenting on the illfated Florida trip that was supposed to be an all-girls' getaway before it turned ugly. Vicki says again that it wasn’t a couples weekend and that was the problem. Is Jim that insecure? He says there's a temptation when your wife travels alone for her to be a bad girl. Someone's insecure. Tamra says if someone's gonna cheat they're going to cheat. Alexis throws out the best friends line. He's an asshole. Vicki doesn’t believe this shit.

Slime then calls Vicki out. He calls her an attention whore.

Vicki fights to keep it together, says maybe he should star on the House Husbands show. Burn! Vicki says she was told he was whoring Gretchen out, letting the paps know where they are to come take pictures. Back and forth, back and forth. Then it's pile on Vicki time again as Jim and Alexis butt in with their bull. Vicki stands up and says it’s over bitches and I’m out. But she’s not as she sits back down.

Shut up, Alexis. OMG, the work thing comes up AGAIN. And the dinner party.

Vicki, leave. I never thought I'd come to her defense but this season has really done a number on her and she's a better woman than I to hold it together and keep filming. She thinks she pretty much through with the show. For her, the thrill is gone.

SexyChattyCatty is a regular contributor at CrabbyGolightly.com where she writes on TV, America's favorite snack food.

Permalink | Comments (1)

March 11, 2010

SISTERS OF A SORT

Looking Askance At The Hairy Eyeballs Dissing Mo'Nique's Unshaved Legs

LEAVE US ALONE!

Who are we? We're women who don't shave our legs. And -- surprise -- we're even happy!

We have boyfriends and husbands and even win Oscars.

It's kinda funny that Mo'Nique keeps having to defend her hairiness to the world. I guess she, like me, grew up without that stigma. We're about the same skin color, and her legs are much hairier than mine, but I'll stand with girlfriend any day.

I remember that it took years for Nair to have a black chick in one of its commercials. The models were still all white in the '80s.

When I was young, I never thought that Nair was for me or anyone I knew.

The subject was never a topic of conversation until I enrolled in a high school that was 99.5 percent white. Whereas when my 21-year-old hairy-legged daughter shaves her legs I feel she’s just fallen for the hype.

I had a friend from the neighborhood who was very, very fair-skinned and had very very dark, long black hair on her legs. Even I thought that was a little wild but she wasn’t ostracized for it and the men loved it.

The men. I guess it's cultural because I've never known a black man who cared about that sort of thing. Maybe it's changed now, there’s so much more interracial dating, but I don’t think so.

So Mo'Nique, take your hairy legs and walk on to bigger and better things, girl. I'm right there with ya.

SexyChattyCatty is a regular contributor at CrabbyGolightly.com where she writes on TV, America's favorite snack food.

Permalink | Comments (0)

THE CLOSER

Big Mike Lynche Delivers Satisfying Climax to Idol's Boys' Night

THE BOYS ROCKED HARDER LAST NIGHT ON American Idol, with "Big Mike" Lynche closing the show with a performance that made Kara cry and turned the judges' orgasmic.

But first up is Chicagoan Lee Dewyze who sings Owl City's Fireflies and sets the bar high for the night. Randy says it's a strange song choice but that Lee made it his own. Ellen likes that he made it rock.

Kara says he made the song better, but all Simon gives up is that he's making progress.

Alex "Mullet" Lambert sings Elliot Smith's Trouble. I'm not a fan of Alex or his hair but I think he did a good job and I was impressed with him for once. Randy said it was a good song choice but he wasn't jumping up and down about the performance. Then Ellen booed Randy, calling him a "mushy banana." I thought she turned Paula for a minute there. Obviously she liked his performance. Kara says he's stiff and not "in the moment" and she needs that from him. Simon agreed. He sais Alex should relax by thinking about Randy in a bikini. Ewww.

Up next is Tim Urban who sings Leonard Cohen's Hallelujah. Tim's another one of my non-favorites but I thought his performance was better than it was the weeks before. Randy says he walked into some big shoes and did a good job. Ellen's critiqued the song by rushing on the stage to give Tim a hug. Kara said she thought he was going home a few weeks ago but she felt him in the song. Simon took the credit for Tim doing better tonight. He said it was his strongest performance.

Andrew Garcia sings Christina Aguilera's Genie in a Bottle. I'm not sure if that was the right song choice but I love Andy, I want him to win. Randy said it didn't work for him. Ellen said the genie came out of the bottle to late to save him. Kara said he peaked too early and she was disappointed. Simon said he sounded a little bit desperate. Ouch!

Sexy Casey James sang Keith Urban's You'll Think of Me. This wasn't a panty-dropping performance but was good. Nothing "wow." Randy thought it was a safe choice. Ellen thought it was great. Kara said it was better than last week but she's missing a spark. Simon said it was his second best performance and it's not something that will be remembered.

Aaron Kelly croons Lonestar's I'm Already There and I want to be gone. I think Aaron's a little over the top tonight. Randy thinks it was good but he has work to do. Ellen said allthough she loves him and the way he carries himself, she thinks the song is too much for him. Kara said he gave it his all but it wasn't a good song choice for him. Simon said Kara's opinion was rubbish: it was the right song, but the vocals weren't great.

Todrick Hall sings Queen's Somebody to Love. Todrick rocks the stage and I feel like I'm church who've seen the Holy Ghost. Randy loves it. Ellen calls him brave and says it sounded like a gospel song. Kara says he sang really well, and Simon gives him credit for being good in some parts of the song. He called "American Idol Broadway singer doing Queen." But he liked his attempt to perform and he thinks he's safe.

Finally "Big Mike" Lynche closes the show with Kate Bush's This Woman's World. A lot of Kate Bush's songs terrify me and the beginning of this song entails a high pitch holler that makes me quiver. Though he frightened me, Randy says he thought it was amazing and hot. Ellen says it was beautiful and the show had just begun. With tears in her eyes, Kara calls him amazing. Simon comforted Kara, then said Lynche gave the best performance of the night and of the entire live show.

I think the only guys in trouble for elimination tomorrow are Aaron and I hate to say it -- but maybe Casey.

Nicki R. is a Southern girl living in the big city of Chicago. She loves quiet evenings home watching horror films with her dogs Jezebelle and Zombie. Check out her blog, Hey, Look Behind You!

Permalink | Comments (0)

March 10, 2010

PLAYERS

Mattel Goes 'Mad,' Markets Dolls For Adulterers & Drunks!

HOW VERY "NOW!"

In today's crazy mixedup world, when up is down and bad is good, Mattel brings to market the Barbie versions of Mad Men's Don and Betty, Joan and Roger.

When you look this good, who cares if you sleep around, have three-drink martinis and marry rapists or children beneath your station? Bored doll collectors-cum-housewives want to get in on the naughty too.

The new dolls will sell exclusively at AMCTV.com and BarbieCollector.com for $74.95 a pop. According to the New York Times, "The dolls come with period accessories like hats, overcoats, pearls and padded undergarments, but no cigarettes, ashtrays, martini glasses or cocktail shakers. "

For these swinging Barbies, it's BYOB.

Permalink | Comments (0)

FAN MAIL

Dear Jen Aniston, Gerry's A ''Good Enough" Sperm Donor -- Do 'Em

DEAR JENNIFER,

Wow! You're smokin' on the upcoming cover of W magazine posing with fake lover Gerard Butler. I'm praying you two got sweaty and did the nasty right in front of photographer Steven Klein, the same snapper who recorded Mr. and Mrs. Smith playing dress up back in 2005. That way he can bear witness to the world, vouch that you've got a bit of your own sexual fire, even if ex-beau John Mayer didn't coin a term for you.

Girlfriend, I'm gonna give it to you straight: It's time to jump on the stick and start making baby. You just celebrated your 41st, and yeah, you've got lots of green. But even with all of LaLaLand's magic, you can't turn ovaries into fangirls and have them swoon at your command.

Jen, I don't want to be mean but your taste in men seems to run to the cute but buffle-brained. Didn’t Brad just prove that when he fell prey to Angelina’s bewitching? Once best known for acting, now Brad's better known for being P-whipped and daddy to his own We Are The World remake.

Let's talk about Gerry, who’s looking pretty swell himself. Manly. And you gotta admit that his facial hair is so much more of a turn on than Father Brad’s, who appears as though he’s working hard to keep his vow of celibacy.

You and Gerry obviously like each other enough to hang out, make a movie, feign heat. At your age, that means he’s Mr. Good Enough -- an adequate donor for delivering the jizz of life. And if on the off-chance that all those whispers about Gerry liking dick are true, then the arrangement’s even better! He gets to be daddy without faking it, and you get to be mommy without pledging eternal love and dreariness. And because he’s an actor, he’ll be able to play daddy more easily than most Joes who have to work for a living.

Make it happen, Jen. Make it happen for all the girls who’ve ever been ditched, for the bitter, unmarried women who missed being moms.

Go for it Jen – now. Time is running out.

Permalink | Comments (0)

SHOWDOWN, SHOWSTOPPER

Idol's Crystal Bowersox: One Good Reason To Tune In

STAR IN THE MAKING CRYSTAL BOWERSOX BROKE THROUGH THE CATERWAULING to emerge as the one to beat in this season's American Idol.

Powerhouse Bowersox blew away the competition although some glimmers of light still flickered fromLilyly Scott and Siobhan Magnus. And Simon's already declared her the "one to beat'' for the crown.

Tonight's AI was a showdown between the eight remaining girls vying to make it to the finals. As the show opens, host Ryan Seacrest stresses that everything's riding on the night's performances. The jitters should be over, nerves left aside -- it's time for the girls to bring it or go home.

So did they bring it? Here's the breakdown:

First up, Katie Stevens butchers Kelly Clarkson's Breakaway. I wanted to break away the mic from her hands. She was flat and offkey during the entire performance. If I were Kelly, I would have showed up just to slap Katie. Randy says the song didn't work for him. Ellen said it was a right song choice but she didn't "feel" the words. Kara tells her she has a great "radio" voice by which we think she means indistinguishable. Simon said she needs to figure out what kind of artist she wants to be.

Siobhan Magnus sang The Animals' House of the Rising Sun. Siobhan is one of my of picks to win it all. She poured soul into a dreary song. Randy loves that she's risky. Ellen says she's moved and calls her spectacular. Kara loves that she's unique. Simon? He wasn't a fan and calls the performance "weird."

Following right after, Lacey Brown sings Brandi Carlile's The Story. I wasn't sure if Lacey was singing or whining. If I didn't know better, I would have thought she was yelling at me in song. Randy said it was boring and sleepy but it was her best performance to-date. I think that was supposed to be a compliment. Ellen agrees with Randy. Kara thought she was effortless and brilliant. Did we listen to the same performance? Simon said he didn't love it but she sang it well.

Katelyn Epperly sings Carole King's I Feel The Earth Move. I thought it was dull and -- dare I say -- "karaoke." Randy approves the song choice but doesn't feel a connection. Ellen thinks her song choice didn't win her any points. Kara thinks she's already given up, and Simon said it sounded like local "request night."

Didi Benami sings Fleetwood Mac's Rhiannon. I love Didi's voice and I know she's not going to be THE American Idol, I still think she's one of the best of the bunch. Randy says she was a whole lot better than last week even if he lacked a "wow" moment. Kara said it was her favorite moment so far this season -- and Simon agreed. The audience cheered and I did too.

Right after Didi left the stage, Paige Miles performs Charlie Chaplin's Smile, bringing tears to the audience. I know it was a sad song but she could have pulled it together a little. All the judges agreed that it didn't work. Simon's betting she's going home and my money's on Simon.

Crystal Bowersox rocked out Tracy Chapman's Give Me One Reason. Crystal's fabulous and she lifts the mood of the entire night. Randy calls her performance hot. Ellen's near speechless and calls it the best performance of the night. Kara compliments her song choice. Simon said she was one billion percent definitely going to be in the top 12 next week. She's the one to beat.

For the final performance of the night, Lilly Scott sings Patsy Cline's I Fall To Pieces. The song's cool but her performance doesn't move me. Lilly's my other pick to win, but not with a performance like tonight's. Randy, Ellen and Kara love it, and Kara says she made Patsy Cline current. The hard-to-impress Simon calls her brave for her song choice, said the performance was ''cute'' but didn't have a "Wow" factor.

My picks for elimination: Katie Stevens, Katelyn Epperly and Paige Miles.

Tomorrow, the guys are up.

Nicki R. is a Southern girl living in the big city of Chicago. She loves quiet evenings home watching horror films with her dogs Jezebelle and Zombie. Check out her blog, Hey, Look Behind You!

Permalink | Comments (0)

March 09, 2010

THE BRIDE'S GOT A SURPRISE FOR YOU

Bride Wars On RuPaul's Drag Race

YEA, YA'LL! Martha Wash is in the house.

This week, some of the queens are missing Sonique and others definitely are not. To them, it's just one mo' ho down.

The mini-challenge this week is a rap party. Oh, no, wrap. As in gift wrap. They have to gift wrap a box with one condition being they have to borrow something from someone else. Time's up in a snap, with no real drama, and Ru has a lot of fun with the word "box." "May I see your box?," she says seductively, as only Ru can.

Of course our fabulous queens turn out some amazing creations in a short time. Juju's is scented! Ru chooses Raven's black, dark and sparkly raven-topped box as the winner. They hate her.

Elimination challenge this week -- the dolls learn they will have to be a bride... and groom. And, shades of Top Model: Afterward they’ll have to pose for a portrait as the marrying couple.

Raven, as winner of the mini-challenge, gets to choose her wedding gown first, then assigns who gets to choose next down the line. She chooses bff Morgan first and Tatiana seethes, "Of course she’ll choose me last. She’s jealous." Maybe, but she’s right, she gets chosen last after Juju, Sahara, Jessica, Tyra and Pandora.

There's a lot of pushing and shoving of racks and flowing organza after they choose plain wedding dresses they have to tart up. Stylist Matthew Anderson makes the rounds with Ru giving the women make-up consultations. He talks oily skin with Tyra and Raven snipes that she still looks 22 because of her oily skin. Snap! He tells Pandora that she should go Goldie Hawn, hates Jessica's face (as do I) and points out her stubble. How rude! But she needs to get it together, girl, Matthew says she needs a lot more blending.

He says Sahara looks old. Ru calls Tatiana Tatty and I think I'll keep that. Matthew says her makeup's all over the place. Raven's going short and sassy with her white dress so he suggest she needs more color. Martha Wash, coming up, Sahara's excited and so am I.

The dolls are finding the groom part difficult since they're not used to getting in touch with their masculine side. Tyra cops a 'tude because everyone is stealing her idea of drawing on facial hair. Don't know if they can get it right since she looks as fab as a guy as she does as a girl.

It's time for the groom's portrait pose. Morgan goes punk, Tyra goes perfect prom date, Sahara goes military. Jessica, who's ecstatic she’s marrying herself, goes Rico Suave. "If I marrying Jessica Wild, of course, I going to be very happy," she coos.

Raven goes corporate, Tatty goes gay and Pandora does law enforcement and feels like a girl dressed as a guy.

As Tyra floats in her dress around the room, the others continue working on their dresses and talk of marriage, gay marriage in particular, and family acceptance. In the middle of all this Tyra, listening to an iPod, starts singing high and off-key. They weren't paying her enough attention I guess. Bitch is pissing Tatty off. And me too. Annoying, self-absorbed bitch. Tatty asks her to STFU and because she didn't ask politely Tyra continues to call dogs. God, diva, please. Time for her and her attitude to go home.

Bras and hose go on as they prepare to do the bridal walk down the runway. Tyra needs help, she’s got lots of little buttons on the back of her dress that need buttoning and everyone ignores her. Too bad, bitch. Sing them closed.

Ru, blonde and resplendent in beigey-violet. Okay, enough, Martha Wash is here to judge. Engines starting.

Sahara ballet dances out in toe shoes; she's getting married in a tutu, how unconventional. Morgan is Pam Anderson in a short, poofy skirt and train. Tyra is daddy’s little girl while judges call Raven’s look Paris Hilton getting married. She’s very Sandy the Danny to me. Jessica took Matthew's advice and her makeup looks a 1,000 times better. She's lost that "that’s a man, baby" look she usually has. And talk about unconventional, Tatty comes out in the only wedding dress I've ever seen with a split up the front! Easy access? Pandora looks romantic and innocent. Juju’s looking Kimora again.

Portrait time -- Juju’s looks great, the judges love it. Jessica looks weird, but Martha thinks they’re a very cute couple. But Martha also hates the large fanning over the shoulder of her dress.

Pandora’s flat again, poor girl, and Santino says her portrait has a story behind it. I don't think it’s a good one, maybe a brother-sister thing. Martha loves Tyra’s makeup as she flaunts a large, colorful bouquet and says it belonged to her dead husband.

Tatty has immunity and that's good because they all hate her clothes. Sahara’s portrait looks like she’s marrying a gay guy (my opinion, not the judges) and they hate her dress as well. Raven's portrait looks like a 16-year-old marrying an older man. But they love, love her fluffy, girly dress. Merle says she’s still packing a wallop to which Raven replies "under my skirt." Ru says her white pumps are the sign of a true hooker and she glows with happiness.

At a subtle suggestion from Ru, Tatty spills that Tyra's a complete bitch. Then they all pile on like they just couldn't wait to out this bitch. A spitting match breaks out between Tyra and Tatty so Tyra asks them, one by one, if they think she's a bitch. They all start backing off except Juju who says she’d better check herself. Ru moves them on. Shoot, that was fun.

The judges deliberate portraits, dresses and attitudes. Ru tells the contestants she won't tolerate problems with her girls. And when the votes are in, Juju and Jessica are safe. Tyra gets chewed out before finding out that she's the winner. That's Immunity and five nights at a Hyatt Villa in Palm Springs, Calif.. Not too shabby. She goes to the back of the stage and boohoos cause she thought she was going home.

Tatty's safe, immunity, ya know. Sahara’s lip syncing. Pandora is safe, Raven is safe, and of course, says she shoulda won. Morgan is nervously laughing because she know her time is up and she's singing as well. They have to sing Carry On by Martha. YES!

Sahara's been in the bottom two so much she’s got it down. She gets up on her toes and crab walks then jumps into a split off the stage and frantically dances while Ru pumps her fist urging her on to victory. Martha sings, I get chills and Sahara is so dynamic that Morgan gets no camera time at all since she’s not doing much. Of course Sahara shantes and vows to take these bitches down one by one. While Morgan sashays away. She’s still happy, XOXO bitches.

SexyChattyCatty is a regular contributor at CrabbyGolightly.com where she writes on TV, America's favorite snack food.

Permalink | Comments (2)

DO YOU KNOW WHERE YOUR CHILDREN ARE?

Sarah Silverman ''Goes Crazy" on Yo Gaba Gaba"

PARENTS, TURN OFF THE LIGHTS AND LOCK UP THE KIDDIES: Sarah Silverman puts in a guest appearance on the kiddie show Yo Gabba Gabba.

And if you happen to record it, clearly label it and store it away from her porn tape with Matt Damon.

Permalink | Comments (0)

March 08, 2010

VIVA LA BETTY!

Fans Win! Betty White To Host SNL!

BETTY! BETTY! BETTY!

It's all over but the shoutin': Betty White confirmed to People that she will indeed guest host NBC's Saturday night comedy staple. "I don't know why or how," she says of the grassroots campaign for her to get the gig, "but it's been wonderful."

Chalk a win up for the Internets, who ignited a groundswell of support on Facebook for the comedy maven to appear on the show. The idea was borne after White appeared in a Snickers commercial that aired during the Super Bowl.

When I first visited the page, the number of supporters was 10,000. Then 331,000. Then 400,000. And just minutes ago, the number was just shy of 485,000.

Internet chatter says that because White is 88-year-old, other SNL ladies of comedy Molly Shannon, Tina Fey and Amy Poehler could shoulder some of the load, but Lorne Michaels has denied that claim.

SexyChattyCatty is a regular contributor at CrabbyGolightly.com where she writes on TV, America's favorite snack food.

Permalink | Comments (0)

A SHOW ABOUT NOTHING

Meet Arthur Kade, Aspiring Most-Hated Man In America

SINCE I HAIL FROM PHILLY, PART OF MY BLOGGING GIG IS TO SCRUTINIZE EVERY 30-something dark-haired, sharp-nosed douchebag I come across hoping to land a sighting of Arthur Kade.

Well, it hasn't happened yet and I don't think I could stomach it if it did. If you don't know Kade, he's a wannabe nominated by Gawker as "Douchebag of the Decade." He lost -- to Joe Francis of the Girls Gone Wild franchise, unquestionably a bigger douche.

But Arthur's still striving. Here's a little piece by Philly filmmaker Aymar Jean Christian that is highly amusing and a great take on the Kade phenom. Done documentary style with commentary from Philly editors, the short film showcases Kade in all his awesome obnoxious famewhoreness, proving once and for all that Kade is a legend in his own mind. Enjoy.

SexyChattyCatty is a regular contributor at CrabbyGolightly.com where she writes on TV, America's favorite snack food.

Permalink | Comments (0)

MORE IS LESS

82nd Oscars Lacked Sparkle Of Hollywood's Traditionally Most Starry Night

IA couple of wild and crazy guys headlined the 82nd Annual Academy Awards, turning Hollywood's most glamorous night into a comedy roast.

Steven Martin and Alec Baldwin cracked wise and threw zingers at many of the night's nominees. They joked that Woody Harrelson was high, George Clooney was mopey and that Hollywood was full of Jews, then mocked the "stunning visuals" of James Cameron's Avatar. (Is it me, or did Clooney throw daggers with his eyes?)

Then after acknowledging teen heartthrobs Taylor Lautner and Zac Efron to the audience, Martin deadpanned, “Take a look at us guys. This is you in five years.”

The twosome also took turns throwing the spotlight on Gabourey Sidibe, star of Precious.

“In Precious Gabourey Sidibe is told she’s worthless, nobody likes her, she has no future. Hey I’m with CAA too!.’’ Baldwin cracked. Then it was Martin’s turn: “You know Gabourney and I have something in common, in our first movies we’re both born a poor black child.” He was referring to his role in the The Jerk.

Despite the yucks – or maybe because of their comedy club feel? -- LaLaLand’s magical night seemed less dazzling than in past years, and devoid of feeling or meaning.

Thank God for Jeff Bridges, who got a rousing standing ovation for his win as best actor, and who provided the charm and sincerity that was missing much of the evening.

“Aha! Whooo! Thank you mom and dad for turning me on to such a groovy profession,’’ said Bridges, channeling The Dude from his cult hit The Big Lebowski. “…They loved showbiz so much and I feel an extension of them. This is honoring them as much as it is me.”

Sandra Bullock’s win for best actress I The Blind Side seemed to surprise no one, least of all herself.

“Did I really earn this or did I just wear you’ll down?” She went on to share the love with her fellow nominees Gabourey Sidibe, Helen Mirren, Carey Mulligan, and Meryl Streep -- “who is such a good kisser,” Bullock gushed, referring to a playful smooch she shared recently for the cameras with the 16-time Oscar nominee.

Bullock, looking old school glamorous in a silver Marchesa gown, effusively praised her mother for teaching her “that there’s no race, no religion, no class system, no color, nothing, no sexual orientation that makes us better than anyone else.”

The best actress award was presented by a visibly buzzed Sean Penn.

The night’s big winner was Kathryn Bigelow’s The Hurt Locker, which won six of the nine awards for which it was nominated, clobbering The Avatar, directed by her ex-husband James Cameron. Looking gorgeous in a long silver gown, the low-key Bigelow dedicated her award to America’s armed services.

The most moving acceptance speech was delivered by writer Geoffrey Fletcher, who won for the screen adaptation, Precious, Based On The Novel Push By Sapphire. He is the first African American to win the prize for writing.

"I don’t know what to say,’’ said Fletcher, visibly shocked by his win. “This is for everybody who works on a dream everyday -- precious boys and girls everywhere.”

And the night’s most bizarre moment? When Elinor Burkett usurped Roger Ross Williams’ moment in the spotlight by bumrushing the stage as he accepted his award for best documentary short. Williams' was shunted aside while Burkette rattled on about something. Williams' should win a second Oscar for the grace he showed on stage.

For the complete list of winners, visit Oscar.com.

Permalink | Comments (1)

CLEAR A PATH

Red Carpet Winners

THE SNAPS ARE ARRIVING AND the votes for the winners and losers of the red carpet are in. (And I cast them all!!)

Standout of the night: Inglourious Basterds star Diane Kruger looking beguiling in a cream and black ruffled gown. I don't care what the Fugly girls say, she gets my vote.

Rachel McAdams shimmers in muted blue and violet sleeveless gown with flowing skirt. Her lack of jewelry punctuated her and the gown's beauty.

Meryl Streep looks stately in a simple white gown. Queen Latifa looked a long way from Newark, N.J. in a stunning satin mauve dress that had one baubled silver sleeve.

Kathryn Bigelow looked like a winner in a sleek gray silver gown dress. And Kate Winslet as usual gets high marks for her shimmering silver gown and eyepopping bling.

And so now I crown them winners of the red carpet!

Permalink | Comments (1)

March 07, 2010

WIPE OUT

The Riddle Of The Dinosaurs Solved 65 Million Years Later, Maybe

IT'S OFFICIAL: AN ASTEROID REALLY DID LEAD TO THE DEMISE OF DINOSAURS and possibly created the conditions that allowed humans to evolve.

After a 20 year review of literature, a team of international scientists has concluded that a massive asteroid that hit Mexico triggered a calamity that decimated Earth's living creatures.

"These terrifying events led to darkness and a global winter, resulting in the extinction of more than 70 percent of known species,'' wrote Dr. Penny Barton, who coauthored the review. "The tiny shrew-like mammals which were around at that time proved better adapted to survival than the cumbersome dinosaurs, and the removal of these dominant animals paved the way for the radiation of the mammals and eventual emergence of humans on Earth."

In the late 70s, a scientist discovered a huge crater measuring up to 10 miles in diameter in Yucatán, Mexico. Analyses performed in the area dated the time of impact around the end of the Cretaceous period, about 65 million years ago. The asteroid that hit was a "billion times more powerful than the Hiroshima atomic bomb." The asteroid's ground zero is now known as Chicxulub crater.

Of course, not all scientists agree. Some believe that climate change and acid rain resulting from volcanic activity on the Indian subcontinent led to the Earth's mass extinction.

Check back in 20 years for the competing arguments.

Permalink | Comments (2)

FALL PARTY

Curtain Closes On Tamra & Simon On O.C. Housewives' Finale

EVERYONE'S PREPARING FOR THE ANNUAL END OF SHOOTING, ER, end of summer party.

While dressing, Tamra tells us she's stayed out of the drama this season. (Liar!) Simon critiques her wardrobe choices, pronouncing one dress fit for a twenty-year-old, while mananaging at the same time to trash her friends. Vicki critiques her kid's wardrobe in the limo and dreads seeing Alexis.

In their limo, Tamra and Simon continue to argue about Vicki's influence on their marriage. He still insists that Vicki's changed Tamra and Tamra still insists she hasn't. He thinks Tamra's not treating him with respect. The talk then turns to their lack of money, uh oh, a bad detour. It ends when she calls him an asshole, says fuck you and asks for a divorce.

Wow, the party this year is at The St. Regis and not just in one of their fab backyards. Bravo must have ponied up. Simon tries to comfort Tamra before they go in but she's clearly still very upset. She wonders what will make him happy. Does she have to be a Stepford wife?

Jeanna arrives with Kara and stuck-up Shane. Vicki arrives with Don and the kids. Simon starts the digs right away saying "Wow, Vicki's leading Don, that's a change." He's such a shit.

Former Housewife Lauri arrives with rich George and two of their girls. Gretchen arrives in white and she and Slade look kinda... bridal but Tamra says they look like Cinderella and her toad. Alexis and Jim are wearing black and white and someone says they look like they're Dancing with the Stars. They do look like they're ready to Samba or something. Jeanna tells us she wonders if this gathering is a con to announce their engagement. None of these folks trust each other as far as they can throw each other. It could be a gathering of awkward strangers and they would get along just as well.

Lynne arrives with Frank, her mom and the girls. Raquel comes out of their limo pointing her finger in the air and yelling like she just don't care. Everyone thinks they look drunk and they are. Lynne says they were sneaking liquor into their water bottles at the far end of the limo. She claims she didn't know what they were up to but that's part of her delusion. They're all of a sudden screaming like it’s party time and looking drunk and saying they're ready to drink, but she didn’t see what they were doing cause the limo was really big. Right. Oh god, she's so fucking dense.

Vicki and Alexis keep as far away from each other as is humanly possible. Jeanna tells us she thinks that Tamra likes the marriage drama and being in the center of attention as Tamra shows off her tattoo and loudly tells everyone Simon doesn’t like the way she dresses.

Lauri questions Gretchen about Slade, saying he's a housewife hunter and that Gretchen should watch out for him. She seems incredulous that they are really together and thinking of marriage. She tells Gretchen that she and Slade really did go out regardless that Slade says they didn’t. Gretchen grows annoyed at her tone and thinks she should mind her business.

So in turn Gretchen gets on Lynne's lack of parenting because her girls are clearly drunk. To prove that, smart ass Alexa goes over to the bar to order a martini. Frank and Lynne try to reason with her instead of putting their foot down. Raquel and Alexa fight, Alexa and Lynne fight. So much stupid drama, just act like parents!! Everyone talks about their serious lack of parenting skills. The first thing to tell them is to back off the word "like." That’s annoying me! Alexa starts crying and wants to go home.

Slade walks around disgusted that these young girls are already drunk. Oh, drop the 'tude, dude. You’re acting like a housewife. Lynne's pissed that he's embarrassing her. And Kara, sweet and awesome as ever, tries to comfort Alexa.

Alexis' mom shows off her two-week surgery to great acclaim. She's got too much makeup on for me to see a change, but maybe she’s still covering up scars. All the kids, so grown up now, seem to be doing well. A young Asian guy named John, one of Vicki’s employees, makes her day by telling her he thinks Alexis needs a nose job. She smiles and says, “She needs a personality job.” Ha.

Alexis wonders why Simon and Tamra haven't taken her advice and seen a therapist. Gretchen wonders the same thing as she slams Tamra's ring finger tattoo as a joke since it's clear their marriage is in big trouble. Don wonders aloud what Slade does. Lauri says: “He eats Housewives for a living.” This is one of the cattiest parties I've ever been invited to, I love it.

Then we see Tamra, crying and talking about her situation with Vicki, of all people. Big mistake. Frank and Jim talk family and church and it's touching. I think Jim and Alexis are usually sincere but also such judgmental churchy know-it-alls. I’d find it hard to be friends with them.

Vicki counsels Tamra to grow strong and not let Simon boss her around, just what Simon thinks she tells his wife. Tamra says she appreciates Vicki's support but also needs to stick to her husband. Vicki says she would never allow Don to talk to Tamra the way Simon talks to her. Back and forth we go between Tamra crying and Simon bitching to all the men about his troubles. It's complicated, ya’ll. Tamra tells us that Simon tries to blame other people for their troubles.

All of a sudden Simon, feeling abandoned by Tamra and seeing her talking to Vicki and crying, comes running over, bends down and asks, "What's going on? I hear you crying. What are you crying about, what are you talking about?"

He tries to lead her away and continues to grill her on her conversation with Vicki. Then he just decides to leave the party, gets in the limo, and leaves Tamra behind.

The roundup to this season: Alexis is now working for her plastic surgeon (discounts!). And Jim is letting her. Gretchen stills feels lucky to have Slade. We also find out that he’s had a freaking vasectomy that he hasn’t had reversed! What was all that talk of children with Gretchen in the backyard? He, oh, he's such a phony.

Vicki and Don are still happy. Lynne vows to tighten her belt. The family is moving to a more affordable condo and Frank's now working for Lynne, gluing rhinestones on leather cuffs. And as we've known for awhile now, Tamra and Simon have separated and Simon has filed for divorce.

SexyChattyCatty is a regular contributor at CrabbyGolightly.com where she writes on TV, America's favorite snack food.

Permalink | Comments (1)

OMG

Find A Cure for My Life

SATURDAY MORNING LISTENING, care of Ida Marie.

You think you're in control? Ha!

Permalink | Comments (0)

March 06, 2010

WHAT YOU'RE MISSING

Circumcision: The Haves Vs. The Have-Nots

MEN -- LISTEN UP. There is news in the wide world of circumcision.

On March 4, Thomas Heugel, 56, was arrested and charged with "unauthorized practice as a health professional." He's accused of performing illegal male circumcisions in a bedroom of his Michigan home. And he was networking his -- ahem -- service on sites such as Craigslist and www.adam4adam.com.

All I can say is: at least he had access to local anesthetic for the poor suckers he was slicing.

Meanwhile, over in Massachusetts, lobbyist group Intact America is plugging for a law to ban infant circumcision. The group deems it "unethical, unnecessary, painful, and risky." The problem with the proposed bill is that it doesn't include religious exemption. Thus far, no Massachusetts lawmakers have drank the anti-cutting Kool-Aid.

What a loaded topic!

My friend, a Certified Birth Doula, considers circumcision unnecessary. "I encourage my clients to research it before assuming it is the right choice for them," she explains.

"Choice without information isn't really choice, after all. The risks of circumcision are severely underplayed."

She also finds it ironic that while many of her clients vehemently oppose episiotomy (the process of making an incision in the perineum, which is, in layman's terms, the entrance to the vadge), they are eager and willing to circumcise their male newborns.

"What kind of welcome to the world is it to take a newborn away from his mother, disrupt his learning to nurse, hold him down, and -- with or without anesthesia -- cut off his foreskin?" Although her husband originally wanted their sons to be circumcised, neither of them are. She asks, "Why continue a tradition of welcoming babies into the world with unnecessary surgery?"

This was the reasoning behind another friend's parents' decision to not circumcise him. "They didn't want to traumatize me as an infant," he told me. But when he was 14, he decided that he wanted to say "goodbye" to his foreskin.

"All of my friends were circumcised, along with what seemed like the majority of guys," he said. "I felt like it was supposed to be done." So he was operated on by a doctor (and no, not Mr. Heugel) under local anesthetic. It took him about a month to heal. He says that jizz "clean up" is easier now, and that girls seems to prefer him circumcised. The drawback? Decreased sensitivity.

"It's always rubbing against my boxers now," he explains. "So it takes a lot more to get off."

"So it's like, calloused?" I offered. "Yeah, sort of."


Wanna hear my take?

I remember being 17 and listening to a friend talk about her harrowing experience with an un-snipped schlong. "Tried to give him a BJ," she recounted. "So much skin, I'm telling you! That shit's harder than high school." This sentiment terrified me. What if I met a guy, really liked him, whipped off his skivvies and found a flappy-foreskinned beast?

And then -- sigh -- I finally experienced it. And I'd prefer to never go back. My best friend and I call it the UCD -- the famed and much-coveted uncircumcised dick. Otherwise referred to as "weenie in a blanket," "cub scout in a sleeping bag," and "the uni-bomber," an intact peen, in my opinion, can be a downright delight.

I'll never forget the first time I touched one. The UC man's muscular arms lifted me by the waist and my legs wrapped around his torso. He was me up holding against the side of his house, the rain falling off the awning creating a backdrop behind him. We were makin' out somethin' fierce. My hand reached down behind the waistline of his jeans, into his boxers, and - gasp! - what have we here? A raging boner wrapped in the softest skin I have ever felt. I called my friend immediately when I got in my car to drive home.

"I think he's uncircumcised," I said breathlessly. "Like, the skin's real soft and loose..."
"And amazing?" she asked.

"YES," I emphatically replied.

"Yep, he's definitely uncircumcised," she confirmed, adding, "It's THE BEST."

The UCD and I eventually started banging on the reg. I touched it as often as possible, revelling in its every characteristic. (So much, in fact, I think I weirded the guy out a little.) It wasn't freakish; it wasn't difficult to handle. As a matter of fact, I couldn't even tell a difference -- visually -- when he was hard. But I could tell a difference kinesthetically, and it was fantastic.

I'd also like to add that circumcision is not a health issue. Studies such as ones done at the Mayo Clinic show that there is a slim difference in prevalence of urinary and sexually transmitted infections in circumcised versus uncircumcised men. This of course, depends WHOLLY on the man's ability to maintain a proper level of cleanliness. If you're using condoms and showering daily (or even every other day), you're going to be all right. The "hygiene" argument is an outdated crock of shit.

So in the end, I'm all about personal choice. If it's part of your religious code to circumcise, be my guest. If you have no access to a shower and plan on sticking your tallywhacker in many anonymous partners without a condom, I mean, it won't help much, but maybe consider it. But if not, why not leave the poor penis alone? It's only natural, and frankly, quite pleasurable.

What's your pleasure? Got a problem? Write to Avoine at AvoineSauvage@CrabbyGolightly.com

Permalink | Comments (8)

March 05, 2010

MINORITY REPORT

And Then They Were White: American Idol Loses Color Thursday

OUT OF ALL THE PITCHY, OVER-THE-TOP PERFORMANCES, WHICH FOUR ARE OUT?

I'm sad to say that two of my Chicago boys, John Park and Jermaine Sellers got the boot. But I still have homeboy Lee Dewyze of Mount Prospect, Ill. to cheer for.

"I'll say this: In God there is no failure," Sellers said after being cut. "So I'll leave here happy. I appreciate you all to the fullest, I really do."

As for the girls, I'm not crying over Michelle Delamor and Haeley Vaughn being sent home. Their singing should have ever only been done in the shower behind closed doors.

Yet the night's four cuts leaves the field of contenders much paler.

Can you believe it? Only 16 contestants left and soon we'll have a new American Idol. Kris who?

Nicki R. is a Southern girl living in the big city of Chicago. She loves quiet evenings home watching horror films with her dogs Jezebelle and Zombie. Check out her blog, Hey, Look Behind You!

Permalink | Comments (0)

STUNNING DEVELOPMENT

What Did One Jackson Nephew Say To The Other? Don't Tase Him, Bro!

AND DIDN'T WE ALL SEE THIS COMING? Note to expecting parents and the media: do not label young children with the nickname "Blanket."

California child welfare workers are back at the Jackson Family's Encino funhouse this afternoon to further investigate claims that Michael Jackson's youngest son was shocked by a stun gun. TMZ reports that investigators returned to question an employee who's been unavailable the last several days.

A tipster leaked to media outlets on Monday that Jaafar Jackson, 13, allegedly bought two stun guns off the web and had played with the guns for three days before being caught. He was allegedly found by security staff chasing Jackson's youngest son named "Blanket" with the gun. An attorney for the family denied the claims and said only one gun had been purchased and that it had been confiscated quickly.

Jackson's three children Prince Michael I, Paris and Prince Michael II reside with a coterie of cousins, aunts and caretakers in the house, including brothers Jermajesty, 9, and Jaafar. Their mother, Alejandra Oaziaza, bore children to both Jermaine and Randy Jackson. In addition to Jermaine's sons, she is mom to Genevieve, 20, and Randy Jr., 18, whose father is Randy Jackson.

Permalink | Comments (0)

March 04, 2010

THE GIRLS HAVE IT

Girls' Steal The Spotlight & Hearts on American Idol

IDOL WANNABE CRYSTAL BOWERSOX MADE A REMARKABLE RECOVERY FROM WHATEVER MADE HER SICK YESTERDAY.

Crystal belted out "Long As I Can See The Light by Creedence Clearwater Revival. Randy said she was hot. Ellen said she was pure, raw, natural talent and she was glad she was here today. Kara said she recovered from last week. Simon said he had underestimated her from last week and he compared her to a serious artist.

Haeley Vaughn was up next with an awful rendition of Miley Cyrus' The Climb. She has a big voice but she muffles her singing. Randy said he wasn't feeling it. Ellen said there was no feeling there. Simon said it was a complete and utter mess.

Lacey Brown softened Sixpence None The Richer's Kiss Me. Lacey's performance gave me the chills! Randy thought it was like hearing karaoke and she didn't do anything special. Ellen thought she was adorable. Kara warned she has to step it up, while Simon said she better than last week but still wasn't memorable.

Katie Stevens sang Corinne Bailey's Put Your Records On. I thought Katie was good but like Simon says, "I'm not going to remember this." Randy said she should tackle things more challenging. Ellen wants to see her sing "younger" songs. Kara was frustrated and thought Katie wasn't pulling the audience in. But Simon said she's safe for another week.

Didi Benami, one of my favorites, sang Bill Wither's Lean on Me/. I thought Didi brought a refreshing sound to the song but the judges did not see things my way. Randy didn't like her choice and Ellen agreed. Kara dismissed is not good, and Simon said she sounded like a cat. I booed him.

Michelle Delamor sang Creed's Arms Wide Open. I thought she was extremely pitchy. It hurt my ears. Randy thought her outfit was dope but she didn't do enough with the song. Kara said it was her favorite performance of Michelle's ever!

Simon thought she struggled with the notes but he loved that she tried to make the song her own.

Lilly Scott, another fav of mine, sang Sam Cooke's A Change Is Gonna Come. I think Lily has so much soul in her voice that she delivered a haunting vibe to her song choice. I think Lilly is going to be around for a while. Randy said it was his favorite performance for the night. Ellen said she has "it" even thought she doesn't really know what "it" is. Kara said Lilly just had her first "moment" in this competition. Simon said meh: it was good but he wasn't crazy about it.

Katelyn Epperly slowed things down with Coldplay's The Scientist. I thought she was a little off key and over the top. Randy thought it was great up until the last notest. Ellen said it was so slow that she fell asleep. She said people can't vote if they are asleep. Kara said she "kinda" loves her. Simon said it was a smart choice and she may be back in the race.

Paige Miles sang Kelly Clarkson's Walk Away. Paige's performance didn't do anything for me and I just wanted to walk away. Randy liked it; Ellen loved it. Kara said she wrote that song to be sung with anger but she liked the cheery version. Simon she failed to choose a right song two weeks in a row.

Siobhan Magnus ends the night with Aretha Franklin's Think. She was amazing! Randy said she was bold and fearless and it was dope. Kara was in awe of a high note that Siobhan delivered during the song. Simon thought some parts of the song was terrible but that note was incredible. Siobhan is now one of my favorites.

On the whole, the girls performed better than the guys this week but not by much. Tomorrow see which four contestants get sent packing. Any predictions?

Nicki R. is a Southern girl living in the big city of Chicago. She loves quiet evenings home watching horror films with her dogs Jezebelle and Zombie. Check out her blog, Hey, Look Behind You!

Permalink | Comments (0)

March 03, 2010

PROOF WE'RE FAT, DUMB & HAPPY

Why Don't Modern Movies Reflect Political Outrage?

"I'M MAD AS HELL AND I'M NOT GOING TO TAKE IT ANYMORE!"

Sound familiar? There's a reason the AFI put Network's famous quote on their top 100 movie quotes list. But this begs the question: what's happened to our sense of urgency?

In these economic hard times, and when our country's at war in two countries, why aren't people getting mad?

Sure, people are irritated by the present state of things and they'll complain (myself included). But where's the outrage? What happened to not taking it anymore?

Even if times are tough for every Joe and Sally Sixpack, there’s still one industry that remains gangbusters: the film industry. Movies are still being made and records are being broken (Avatar anyone?).

True, some of the movies that are nominated for Oscars this Sunday have political elements. The Hurt Locker is a fine example, and some people even claim that Avatar is anti-capitalist. Both these movies have a vein of political consciousness running through them, but in each case it can be easily ignored.

Despite what Director Kathryn Bigelow says, I tfound The Hurt Locker shockingly apolitical considering the subject matter.

It wasn't always this way. There were times when politics were an unavoidable part of the American voice. Mr. Smith goes to Washington (a 1939 classic for those of you who haven’t seen it), and more recently, 1976's Network are examples.

These and other movies were incendiary. They criticized the rampant corruption and politicians' failings. They didn’t beat around the bush. Where did we go wrong?


Do you think America is losing its sense of political urgency? Or is it that in a time of war, people are afraid of being perceived as un-American for wanting more from their government?

Either way, I can’t help but think, what good is free speech if people are too afraid to use it?

Calhoun Kersten is a Cincinnati, Ohio, native who now calls Chicago home. A recent graduate of Columbia College, he blogs at Confessions Of A Self-Proclaimed Megalomaniac.

Permalink | Comments (0)

SIMON SAYS

Separating The Boys From The Men On American Idol

THE GIRLS WERE SUPPOSED TO PERFORM, BUT Crystal Bowersox's early morning hospital trip forces the schedule to be arranged. She's out for the night, and the girls will go later. Which means the guys go first, and this year they're better anyway.

"Big Mike" Lynche starts the night off right with James Brown's This is a Man's World." Mike's soulful, sexy rendition lights up the crowd.
My Chicago boy John Park sang John Mayer's Gravity. John did better than last week but he's still not great. It also doesn't help that he chose a song from a douchebag. Randy says he needs to spice things up. Kara says it was way better than last week but that he lacks "connection" with the audience.

Simon says he's forgettable and that he may be in danger this week.

The hottie Casey James rocked out Gavin Degraw's I Don't Want to Be. I thought Casey was good but he didn't wow me. Looking at him perform was good enough. Randy feels him channeling Hendrix but says his vocals weren't the best. Ellen says he sounded great but was a bit stiff. Kara says he took two steps backwards, that some of his notes were off. Everyone was shocked by her statement -- except Simon -- said Casey was trying to be a rock star.

Alex "Mullet" Lambert sang John Legend's Everybody Knows., which came off borderline whiny and pitchy. If he makes it another week, I think it will be his mullet that gives him staying power. Ellen loves his confidence but says he lack the experience. She thinks he has a unique style so she likes it. Kara says people are rooting for him. Ahem, Kara, not meI! Simon said it was a billion times better than last week. His only issue with him is that he isn't singing to win. He has to have a killer instinct.

Todrick Hall performs Tina Turner's What's Love Got to Do With It. Though he puts a man's touch on the song he performance is still flat. Randy says he didn'tt need a wild arrangement. Ellen got her first "boos" when she said the song didn't win him any votes. She also says he needs to move regardless that Simon's called him a dancer. Simon says thinks aren't working out for Todrick saying he delivered the corny carnival version of Tina's song.

Next up is Chicagoan Jermaine Sellers who sings Marvin Gaye's What's Going On?, an apt title to describe his performance. He committed the cardinal sin of being boring. Randy says it wasn't a good performance. Ellen loves his style but the song didn't work for her. Kara says his performance feels forced, and Simon says he's frustrated and disappointed with the weakened song. When Jermaine asks what he should sing next week, Simon replies: "I don't think you'll be here next week." Ouch.

One of my favorites, Andrew Garcia, sings James Morrison's You Give Me Something. Andrew's delivery is too soft to wow but he hits all the right notes. Randy, on the other hand, finds him pitchy. Damn you Randy. Ellen's on my side and likes him a lot.. She said she wants to get his name tattooed on her neck. Kara says he played it too safe. Simon thinks he's not choosing the right songs, and that's a problem. He says his performance is "ok" but he's capable of better.

Aaron Kelly brings the show back on track with The Temptation's My Girl." Randy sayshe was 200 percent better than last week. Kara coos she really likes it -- and him. The contrarian Simon didn't like and thought it was all over the place.

My less favorite Tim Urban sings Matt Nathanson's Come on Get Higher. Tim's better than he was last week but he needs a lot more work. Dare I say he maybe safe for another week. Randy said he doesn't get it and he isn't special. Ellen says said he's more suited for acting than singing. Kara likes the song choice but not that he didn't make it his own. Simon said he improved over last week.

Saving the best for last, my favorite Chicago guy Lee Dewyze sings Hinder's Lips of an Angel." Lee's sultry voice has me picking up the phone to vote for him before the number is even given out. Ellen points out some pitch problems but says he's got a lot of passion and intensity. Kara sees a big improvement, while Simon says flatly he is far and away the best singer of the bunch. We'll find out tonight if America agrees with him.

Nicki R. is a Southern girl living in the big city of Chicago. She loves quiet evenings home watching horror films with her dogs Jezebelle and Zombie. Check out her blog, Hey, Look Behind You!

Permalink | Comments (0)

BAKED IN MEMORIES

Finally Filled Up On Easy Bake Ovens

THERE'S A BIT OF DISCREPANCY BETWEEN MY MOM, BROTHER AND MYSELF regarding an Easy Bake oven that they insist I had, and that I insist I didn't.

My brother even remembers exactly where it was in the basement: between the Lincoln Logs and the Spirograph. But I always remember having to go to a friend's house in order to play with one. Valerie had the first model, the beautiful aqua blue one, and I LOVED it.

This has led to a long time yearning for the coveted object.

Growing up, my mother and I always baked, but I didn't really pursue the vocation until I graduated from college with a degree in Fine Arts, and Museum Studies, and of course had to find a job in the restaurant industry! Knowing that I'd be no good in the front of the house, I ended up in the kitchen, where I found that could combine my love of food and art.

I was always interested in all things vintage, and I became quite the eclectic collector of things. It wasn't until I was designing my own bakery space that I started to collect as many toy ovens as I could.

I knew that I wanted to focus on retro desserts, and what better way to show those off than in a space filled with the coveted retro toy of my youth? They are up on a high shelf around the bakery's perimeter, and I love to watch folks come in and notice them when they look up.

I've found that many of my customers both young and old often have their own "first" Easy Bake oven story to tel., They all seem to have deep memories of them, and I always enjoy listening to their tales.

As for me, I finally have all the toy ovens I could possibly want.

Stephanie Samuels is the owner of Angel Food Bakery in Chicago where she displays her collection of vintage toy ovens. Ronald Howes, the Easy Bake's creator, died last month at age 83.