HAPPY HOME
Are We Happy Yet?
SMILEY FACES PEER OUT THE WINDOWS of a Chicago home, brightening an overcast day.
IN THE NAME OF 'SALES'
As World Crumbles, Carly Simon's Marketers Revive Guessing Game
DAVID GEFFEN'S WORTH about $4 billion, dates pretty college boys, buys $100 million paintings and tries semi-unsuccessfully to keep the world away from his Malibu beachfront property.
Over on the other coast, Carly Simon, who doesn't consider herself "not gay," has been living below the radar on Martha's Vineyard (who is this Martha anyway?).
Back before digitally-recorded history, when Divad was Carly's producer at Elektra Records, she recorded a song called You're So Vain which made her rich enough to buy the Eastern Seaboard. But it also generated a mystery.
The question: "Who is so vain?" has lasted for 38 years.
Among the possible other suspects: Cat Stevens, Mick Jagger, Kris Kristofferson and Warren Beatty.
The Sun, a British tabloid owned by everyone's favorite Minister of Truth, Rupert Murdoch, vainly attempted to put this story to bed yesterday. In a video attached to their story one imagines hearing the name "David" spoken quietly. In an update -- Huffington Post notes that "Warren" can be heard.
Simon has a new album due out March 1st and her very own video contest! "Be the filmmaker to create the first and only official concept video for You're So Vain. The Grand Prize winner will have their video premiered at the 2010 Tribeca Film Festival..."
Jackpot! Pretend to solve a long-standing mystery and then create even more controversy. This looks to be a tidily successful marketing ploy.
And if there's one thing we desperately need -- hours after one of the biggest earthquakes in recorded history hit Chile, on the heels of the catastrophe in Haiti, during the greatest economic meltdown in the history of the planet earth -- it's tidily successful marketing ploys.
February 27, 2010
LIFE, ACTUALLY
"Real" Wounds Are Visible On O.C's Housewives
VICKI'S HOME IN HER BEAUTIFUL COTO BACKYARD ENTERTAINING, OF ALL PEOPLE, JEANNA.
They chat about the San Francisco weekend, Tamra's betrayal and Brianna's illness. And while Jeanna frequently nods in sympathy, she tells us that Vicki probably deserved the treatment she received. That she hasn't always been a best friend to her over the years and "sometimes you get what you give."
Remember Vicki kinda dropped her once her financial circumstances changed for the worse and wouldn't lend her money. She once again bemoans the loss of fun.
Alexis takes her mom to the plastic surgeon's office -- a "before" surgery example if I’ve ever seen one. Alexis tells us all about her previous surgeries and how wonderful they were. At first her mom only wants a brow lift. After the surgeon goes over her face she ends up ready to spend 13 grand for all kinds of stuff for "rejuvenation."
Besides Alexis just bothering me by being herself, she resembles a cartoon duck.
Tamra brings wine to Lynne's mothers house where she and the girls are staying. Lynne’s face looks so freaking taunt you wanna bounce a quarter off it. While unloading on Tamra about the girls' anger -- and her anger at Frank -- she seems drunk before the first glass. Both get teary-eyed over the situation.
Tamra has a 42nd birthday lunch. Former too sane housewife Tammy shows up. She wears white with a sparkly white fur tiara glowing "birthday." Where is PETA?
She doesn't believe Vicki's not going to show up so she calls but gets no answer. Let the drinking begin... She gets a gift of Virgin again pills and sprinkles them around to the hos and bros. Ok. Then Vicki’s assistant shows up with a gift. Tamra’s hurt by that but WTF, she sent something.
Yeah, Vicki has to work, bitch. When will they get it thru their heads that she doesn’t have time for the nonsense in the middle of the day.
Ron Ann, what an unusual name, Gretchen’s make up artist and partner prepares for their line’s launch. Vicki’s still a naysayer on the deal. And Gretchen’s got pimples! Yep, she's just like us.
Ugh, Alexis is wearing tiny satin shorts to lunch with mom. We she pictures of her from little kid to teen where she looks perfectly cute. She tells us she was just too fancy for Missouri and that everyone always said she looked like she should live in California. And that’s why we ended up with her.
Mom tells her that she didn’t like to walk outside because she didn’t want her hair to smell like... AIR. Huh??? Like... air. Alexis is amazed at the story and also that mom’s forehead is unwrinkled without Botox. Alexis, many, many women are beautiful without Botox. Live for years without it. But she loves the air in the plastic surgery office and thinks surgery makes women better people. Ugh.
They chat in the surgeon’s office and hug before Mom goes under the knife. The surgeon starts drawing those incision lines. He’s really sloppy, those are the sloppiest I've ever seen. Nighty nite, Mom. Blah, blah, blah, Alexis talks on about getting surgery.
Twisted sisters Alexa and Raquel grow closer after getting evicted from their house. Alexa wonders what’s up with parental units hiring that teen whisperer and Raquel, although she said it helped her previously, now calls that bullshit. They know this situation is straining their parents' marriage. Alexa says her parents want to live their dreams but wonders if her parents dream was getting evicted. No, honey, it wasn’t. But they’re both so kinda spacey you wonder.
Vicki, Don and Brianna wait anxiously for the biopsy results. And it’s good news, no cancer. Brianna wants a shot of Tequila, not the beer Don offers. Whew, that was a close one but now everyone’s smiling and eating limes.
Mom feels weird after surgery and Alexis, who says she’s never seen anyone in that state shudders and feels weirded out as well. But bandaged faced mommy is not going home with her but to some repair facility. Alexis is going to get a massage, it’s mommy time!
Lynne and Frank have dinner. They need to discuss their trust issues. Frank compliments her on her hair and she says she did it herself to save money and didn’t get spray tanned so she’s very white. I guess she means California white cause she looks to me like she's got some color. Frank apologizes again, says their will probably always be problems and we don’t quit. Lynne says she’s not going to tolerate it again and he’s not to keep her in the dark anymore. They’re still in love, you can see it. Two fuck ups in love, ain’t it grand.
Gretchen's launch at the Women’s Expo. There are really large, Sheree size, pictures of her all over the place. Fucking Slade is there. Does he have a job? Their booth is really awesome and gorgeous. You can tell she spent a pretty penny. The coordinator says that normally the event draws about 12,000 attendees, but this year there may be 2,000. And they trickle in one by one. The economy is blamed.
Simon and Tamra are out to dinner for her birthday. They talk of diamond presents past. Simon says they have a perfect marriage. No one does Simon, you’re deluding yourself. Then he compares himself to Desi Arnaz, saying Tamra does a lot to embarrass him but he’s a stoic and puts up with it. They seem pretty grim for a couple in perfect love. Eventually the talk turns to Vicki. Tamra says Vicki has a good side and Simon says Hitler had a good side. Ass. A gondola ride ends the evening.
While making out under a bridge she says he doesn’t have to tongue her anymore. Ha! Then he fucking ruins it by saying his friends wonder how in the world he puts up with his hot, wacky wife. Tamra says “Wha??? He says “Oh, nothing.” The divorce drama is upcoming.
All this drama ends next week. Bring on New York.
SexyChattyCatty is a regular contributor at CrabbyGolightly.com where she writes on TV, America's favorite snack food.
EYES WIDE SHUT
Only The Most Inhumane Argue Tilikum Belongs In Captivity
JUST DAYS AFTER SCIENTISTS WHO REFUSE TO STUDY DOLPHINS IN CAPTIVITY argued that those marine animals should be deemed "nonhuman persons," a six-ton Orca confined in tanks at Florida's SeaWorld killed a human for the third time.
It was just last Sunday at the annual American Association for the Advancement of Science conference that scientists debated whether dolphins deserve special rights because of their human-like qualities.
"Dolphins appear to be self-conscious, unique individuals with distinctive personalities, memories and a sense of self, who are vulnerable to a wide range of physical and emotional pain and harm, and who have the power to reflect upon and choose their actions," Thomas I. White of the Oxford Centre for Animal Ethics reportedly told the crowd.
The proof? Researchers have found in studies that dolphins whose bodies were "marked" quickly swam to observe their reflections in a mirror. Because these experiences verified self-awareness, these same scientists have vowed not to study dolphins in captivity because they believe it's cruel.
Now the death of Dawn Brachneau, 40, raises again the question of whether it's ever humane to capture and house wild animals outside their natural environments.
Brachneau was drowned when Tilikum, a 12,000 pound Orca pulled her underneath the water by her ponytail. Horrified park visitors watched as the massive mammal jumped through the air and grabbed the trainer.
"He was thrashing her around pretty good,"’ one witness told a reporter.
Brancheau had worked at the park for 16 years, 14 of them with whales. She was the third human to be killed by this whale.
"This was not an insane, uncontrollable act," Richard Ellis, a marine conservationist at the American Museum of Natural History in New York told the New York Times. "This was premeditated."
As SeaWorld resumes its normal programming, experts debate whether the whale was "playing," or was "neurotic" after being confined to too small a space. Yet I can’t help thinking that only humans are arrogant enough to wonder if animals mind being held captive. Does this lack of awareness in some people makes them, well, animals? Should we lock them up?
If animal have only to "feel," have unique personalities, and have a sense of time to be deemed “nonhuman persons,” then it's time we broadened the debate about which animals deserve protections.
Anybody with a common housecat – an oxymoron surely -- recognizes that their pet is capable of each of these traits.
And what about the countless news stories about the cats who saved families from fire? About the dogs who react when a family member falls ill?
The cows that escape slaughterhouses?
Only the most inhumane among us argue that animals have no sense of self, time, fear or death, and that it doesn't matter that they live in captivity.
Why should we let them win the argument?
February 26, 2010
THE WAVE
Any Way You Look At It, This Half Glass House Is Full Of Wit & Style
IS THIS HALF GLASS HOUSE EMPTY OR FULL? I suspect sold out.
If all glass houses looked like this, I'd be happy to live in one. This 140-apartment Denmark development by Henning Larsen Architects is called Wave Residences/Bolgen and is situated along the shores of Vejle Fjord. The development, completed in 2009, was deemed the "most spectacular residential building of 2009 by the professional trade magazine Building."
Without seeing any of its competitors, we'll buy that.
It's like how I want my life to be: light, bright, clean, modern, transparent and forward-thinking.
Where's the papers? I'm ready to sign on the dotted line.
FIRST CUT
Surprises In American Idol First Cuts Of The Season
TENSIONS ARE HIGH WHEN THE FIRST ELIMINATIONS OF AMERICAN IDOL'S ninth season are announced. The night's results were tallied after 24 million votes were cast.
Sent packing first is Janell Wheeler who had sung Heart's What About Love. I was certain Janelle would be safe for one more week; I was very wrong and disappointed.
Up next is shocking red-haired Allison Iraheta who sings Scars, the second single off her debut album Just Like You. The 17-year-old fan fav jokes on stage that she feels like she's about to be eliminated. "I'm just glad I'm not in their shoes right now."
That was no joke for Ashley Rodriguez, who had sung Leona Lewis' Happy. She's the second girl to go. Simon predicted she'd have a hard time getting through this week so no doubt he's HAPPY to be right.
I was shocked by the elimination of Joe Munoz who had sung Jason Mraz's You and I Both. I was stunned that he was ditched before Tim Urban who had performed horribly. And I was positively gobsmacked when Tyler Grady was the second guy offed. He was a fun performer and I would have liked him to have gotten a chance to show off more.
But as last season's winner Kris Allen sings during a tribute to Haiti, I'll just Let It Be. I'm happy my Chicago guys are still standing strong.
The top 24 is now the top 20. Next week, more hits from Billboard.
Nicki R. is a Southern girl living in the big city of Chicago. She loves quiet evenings home watching horror films with her dogs Jezebelle and Zombie. Check out her blog, Hey, Look Behind You!
TOO CUTE FOR WORDS
Picture Perfect: Nicole Ritchie Shows Off Baby Sparrow In Paris
AWWWW, AREN'T THEY PRECIOUS?
And there is not a hint of snark in that comment.
Nicole Richie released a pic of her 5-month-old son son on her website today giving him a smooch while standing before the Eiffel Tower.
"In the City of Lights with my true love," Nicole tweeted today.
The adopted daughter of Lionel and Brenda Ritchie has turned into quite a beautiful lady who seems like her head's screwed on pretty straight. At least, by Hollywood standards. She's proof it's possible to grow up privileged and grounded. Or what maybe that's what babies will do for you.
Thanks for sharing this beautiful pic, Nicole.
February 25, 2010
A GRIM FAIRY TALE
Brangelina Cling To The Fairytale That Is Them
ONCE THERE WAS A BEAUTIFUL COUPLE NAMED BRANGELINA.
They shared a name because neither was as important in the world without the other. They completed either other like peanut butter and jelly; like salt and pepper.
But dark forces conspired against them: age was approaching. And paparazzi were stealing forbidden glances inside their kingdom.
And what they found was shocking!: The perfect whole was a fraud! The couple fought like cats and dogs! Their breath smelled in the morning! And their feral children played with knives and ate candy at every meal.
And the frightened beautiful couple felt their magic disappearing. "What do we do?" they cried! And they gnashed their teeth and pleaded with the fates to let them keep their magical powers for just a little longer.
Then they devised a plan! “I know,” they shouted in unison! (Because they were actually one.) And they decided to make a very public showing of their love, and to introduce the world to the newest fruits of their loins. Because isn’t that what made them powerful in the first place?
And so they took their feral children on a grand tour of Paris so that the commoners could see that they were still in charge, still in love, still held the magic.
Because they knew that if they stopped pretending, that they would become ordinary, and then the commoners bestow their besotted love on a different fairytale.
And for as long as they could have it, they wanted the magic. For life without it would be unbearably common. Almost like inevitable death.
A IS FOR ALPHA
Who Won American Idol's Battle To Be Top Dog?
NOW'S THE GUYS' TURN TO STEP UP TO THE SPOTLIGHT AND SHOW OFF THEIR SINGING CHOPS.
Keeping with the theme of hits from the Billboard charts, the top 12 guys sing their favorites.
Todrick Hall started the show with former A.I. winner Kelly Clarkson's Since You've Been Gone. Todrick sang well, but he couldn't live up to Kelly.
Ellen thought he was a great performer, Randy thought he changed the song too much. Simon said he was like a dancer trying to sing and murdered the original song. Ouch. Not the best way to start off the night for the boys.
Aaron Kelly sang Rascal Flatts' Here Comes Goodbye. During Hollywood Week Aaron had problems remembering lyrics but tonight he had no problems at all. Simon liked his performance and said he was likable and cute. Kara loves his pop/country approach.
Jermaine Sellers, one of my Chicago guys was up next. He sang Oleta Adams' Get Here. Poor guy was a little bit pitchy and over the top. Ellen said she was a fan but that he was trying too hard. Randy thought he should have done something more contemporary. Simon thought he was over singing it and he might not be safe.
Tim Urban is a very lucky contestant: After being cut in Hollywood Week the producers asked him to return as one of the top 24. After hearing him sing One Republic's Apologize, I believe the producers made a big mistake. Simon said they made the best decision not letting him through the first round. Randy said it didn't work. Ellen said he couldn't hit notes. Yes Tim, you can go home again.
Joe Munoz sang Jason Mraz's You and I Both. Joe was ok but I think he's safe. Randy said he has a great voice and did a good job. Kara said he's been the best singer so far.
Next up is Tyler Grady, retro rocker, singing The Guess Who's American Woman. Tyler brought the magic back in the show, he was lively and he doesn't suck at singing. Simon calls him "cliche" and "unnatural," and thinks people will remember the performance for the wrong reasons. Kara thinks he's trying to hard to be Jim Morrison.
Out next was another one of my Chicago boys, Lee Dewyze, who sang Snow Patrol's Chasing Cars. Lee is my pick for potential winner. He's rough and his scuff voice made me want to dim the lights and open a bottle of wine. Ellen loved the tone of his voice but thought he was screaming some parts. Randy didn't like the song for him and thought he needed something harder. Simon said it was the best performance.
The last Chicago guy, John Park sang Billie Holiday's God Bless the Child. As much as I want to support my locals, John sounded like he was singing under water. It was not good. I found myself cringing when he hit high notes. Simon said it was a pointless performance. Kara said it was "lounge-y." Randy and Ellen thought it was a bad song choice.
Michael Lynche sang Maroon 5's This Love. I wanted to like Michael but the majority of his performance was muffled. Ellen said he was great but he had pitch problems. Kara said things were depressing before he got on stage. Simon said he was like the support act before the main act. He was too vague and jazzy.
Alex Lambert, no relation to Adam Lambert, sang James Morrison's Wonderful World. I'm not sure what was worse, Alex's mullet or his pitchy performance. Simon said it was the most uncomfortable performance of the night but he has a good voice. Kara has a good tone and he has potential. Randy likes him and hopes he sticks around. Ellen loves that he's holding on to the mullet.
Casey James sang Heaven. Not only does Casey has the sexy romance novel look down but man can he sing. Kara needed a shower after that performance. She said he's eye candy but ear candy as well. Simon said he chose the right song for his best performance.
Andrew Garcia closes the show with Fall Out Boy's Sugar, We're Going Done. Andrew was too high pitched during the song and now I think it was not a good song choice for him. Simon said he was looking forward to hearing him all night but he was disappointed. He didn't think he took a risk. Randy and Kara didn't like the song choice and thought he just stick to something less serious. Ellen thinks he's going to stick around.
I think the guys did a better job than the girls but tomorrow night two guys and two girls will be eliminated. Who's going home next?
Nicki R. is a Southern girl living in the big city of Chicago. She loves quiet evenings home watching horror films with her dogs Jezebelle and Zombie. Check out her blog, Hey, Look Behind You!
GIRL POWER
What Are American Idol Girls Are Made Of? Pop, Rock, Folk & Schmaltz
THE TOP 24 CONTESTANTS have been chosen and now the real contest begins.
Last night's show started off with a lot of laughs, and what began as possible friction between Ellen and Simon turned out to be a big joke.
Ellen sits far away from Simon and claims he can't keep his hands off her. She shows a faux video of him putting his paws on her during Hollywood week. She may not be able to hold a tune, but Ellen sure delivers the laughs.
For the next three weeks, the top 24 will sing hits from Billboard's charts. Tonight though it's all about the ladies, and Simon predicts a girl's going to take it all this year.
First up is Paige Miles who sang Free's It's Alright Now.
I thought Paige was decent but her nerves got in the way. Simon thinks she had the best voice out of all the girls but thought her song choice was too "wedding singer." Kara disagrees and says the song was a perfect choice to show off the soul in her voice. Randy says she did a great job. Ellen related to her nerves and liked her singing.
Ashley Rodriguez sang Leona Lewis' Happy. I thought Ashley sounded really choppy. None of the judges thought it was great and Simon thought she was going to be in trouble after tonight.
Janell Wheeler sang Heart's What About Love. Ashley had some dry moments but she sang with a lot of passion. The judges felt that the song was way too big for her, but they think she's safe and so do I.
Lilly Scott sang The Beatles' Fixing A Hole. Lilly brought a refreshing folk vibe to the song. Ellen said she had a distinguished voice. Simon now believes that Lilly has the best voice though he's not feeling any star power from her.
Katelyn Epperly performs another Beatles' song, Oh Darling. I thought Katelyn was a little stale. Simon thought her performance was messy but he likes her. Kara, commenting more on her look than singing, wants her to look more natural. Randy likes the look and the vibe. Ellen thinks she's pushing too hard.
Haeley Vaughn kept The Beatles' magic alive with I Want to Hold Your Hand. I think Haeley screamed more than she sang. Kara wasn't feeling the song but she think Haeley's a fun performer. Randy thinks she's bold but needs to work on her vocals. Simon was honest and said it was terrible. Ellen said it was a hot mess.
Lacey Brown slowed things down with a whiny version of Fleetwood Mac's Landslide. Randy didn't think it was a good song choice. Ellen thinks she maybe in danger. Simon said it was depressing and couldn't wait for it to be over.
Michelle Delamor performed Alicia Key's Fallen. Michelle started off weak but when she picked it up, she sounded like Alicia. Ellen thought she was great but played it a bit safe and she knows she can do better. Simon thought she was a professional singer.
Didi Benami sang Ingrid Michaelson's The Way I Am. I think she did an amazing job and was one of the best performances of the night. Simon thought she sounded too much like the original song and needed to do something to be remembered. Randy agreed and thought it was sleepy. Ellen thought it was a low key first impression. This was the first time I felt Ellen was going along with the crowd.
Siobhan Magnus sang Chris Isaak's Wicked Games. For a little girl, she has a big voice. Kara liked it even though it was a little nasally. Simon thought it was a dark song and it worked for her.
Crystal Bowersox brought a country vibe to Alanis Morissette's Hand in My Pocket. Randy said it doesn't matter what she did, he's a fan of her. Ellen said she adds something fresh to the show. Simon said it was good, but there are thousands of her outside of subway stations. Kara thinks she's safe for another week.
Katie Stevens closes the show with Michael Buble's version of Feelin' Good. I didn't think she was anything special. Ellen thought she had a powerful voice but she was too conservative. Simon thought it was annoying and pageanty. Kara thought it was pitchy.
Tomorrow, the guys take the stage and I'm secretly rooting for my three local guys John Park, Lee Deeyze, and Jermaine Sellars. Thursday will be the elimination where two girls and two guys are voted off.
Nicki R. is a Southern girl living in the big city of Chicago. She loves quiet evenings a home watching horror films with her dogs Jezebelle and Zombie. Check out her blog, Hey, Look Behind You!
February 24, 2010
FUTURE SHOCK
Law Enforcement Tracking Cell Phones to Spy Without Warrants
YOUR LADY GAGA ALARM GOES OFF AT 6:05 A.M. sharp.
You hop out of bed, make a piping hot cup of coffee, fire up the laptop and begin reading the news. An article on the rise of The Oath Keepers catches your attention. They are a loosely-knit national group armed to the teeth -- often with advanced military and police training -- who have dedicated themselves to protecting their freedoms and the consititution itself. "They sound nutty and dangerous," you mutter to yourself.
Sip.
But you begin to wonder: "With all this business about Homeland Security and the suspension of individual rights in America, maybe they have a point?"
You scroll to the bottom of the article and shoot off a strongly-worded comment on the story.
Whirr, clank, bzzz bzzz! Skynet locks on. Your message is flagged as it passes through the NSA tap at Ma Bell, then shunted off to a processing center.
You typed the word "patriot." You are now being tracked.
Suddenly, everything you do is flagged: credit card use, mid-morning sexting, your Facebooking, your googling, your phone call to cousin Leonard in Albuquerque, NM.
According to Eric Schmidt of Google, this isn't a problem :
"If you have something that you don't want anyone to know, maybe you shouldn't be doing it in the first place."
Michael Isikoff of Newsweek shows us what's wrong with his attitude:
In one example he documents, an "agitated Alabama sheriff" called a mobile phone company claiming his daughter had been kidnapped. "The sheriff demanded they ping her cell phone every few minutes to identify her location. In fact, there was no kidnapping: the daughter had been out on the town all night."
In another example, under the guise of a threatened "riot," Michigan cops pressured a telecom for information about cell phones in an area where labor union protesters were expected.
Sprint Nextel even went so far to "set up a dedicated Web site so that law-enforcement agents can access the records from their desks -- a fact divulged by the company's "manager of electronic surveillance" at a private Washington security conference last October," according to Newsweek.
Though some court magistrates are pushing back, abuse is already taking place.
Authorities are tracking citizens without a warrant. In the name of freedom.
February 23, 2010
AN ACCIDENT
Frozen Lives Exposed
“What had any of them ever had to blush for in all their frozen lives?
” The Pretext by Edith Wharton
Photo via Dump.
VAMPIRE LOVE EXPOSED TO LIGHT
One Vagina He Isn't Allergic To: Robert Pattinson Confirms Romance With Kristen Stewart
THERE'S AT LEAST ONE VAGINA THAT HE ISN'T ALLERGIC TO.
Reluctant vampire/boy toy Robert Pattinson told the U.K's The Sun Sunday night:
"It is extremely difficult but we are together, yes. We can't arrive at the same time because of the fans. It goes crazy.
Pattinson and Stewart both attended the British Academy of Film and Television Arts (BAFTAs). Stewart won the Orange Rising Star award, while the Brit Pattinson was a presenter.
"This was supposed to be a public appearance as a couple but it's impossible,"' Pattinson reportedly said. "We are here together and it's a public event but it's not easy. We have to do all this stuff to avoid attention."
The two arrived separately and sat at different tables.
The hotties have long been rumored to be dating one another but have deliberately kept out of the public eye due to zealous Twilight fans.
Now that the truth's out, can vampire love last after exposure to the sunlight?
MAKE PRETEND PRETEND
Of Snatch & Preparation H: A RuPaul's Drag Race Recap
WHEN I SAW THIS WEEK'S EPISODE WAS "SNATCH GAME," I wondered what kind of woo-woo Ru had up her sleeve. It wasn't anything like my dirty mind envisioned.
In fact, it didn't make sense at all. A novel way of saying 'celebrity impersonation.' Prizes are announced along with tonight's special judges -- Neicy Nash and Lisa Rinna.
That so Raven keeps pulling thru. Tyra said last week she wasn't the bitch of the group, she's "America's sweetheart."
Everyone's yawning as they walk into the workroom. Raven, on the chopping block two weeks in a row, hopes she isn't in the bottom a third time. She then deliberately wipes off Mystique's last message to the group written in red lipstick on a mirror. So film noir. There's a little spat between the dolls and Tatiana when they start talking smack about Mystique. She's so nice, still sticking up for her girl. Mystique is gone, stop hating.
Then Ru arrives suited in dark gray with an orange shirt, gorgeous, one of my favorite combinations.
Up next, a mini challenge: "The Queen Is Right!," played just like its namesake.
The products: drag queen essentials. After three rounds, the winners will advance to Ru’s Showcase Throwdown. The final winner gets the chance to phone home. Gasps all around, it seems they’ve had no contact with the outside world since the show began.
Our first item is a six-pack of tube socks. Exciting! Raven bids $9.45. Juju bids $5.98. Sahara bids $6.
The price: $10.99 Raven wins!
Our second item is Preparation H 2, used for under-eye puffiness.
Pandora bids $2.98. Jessica -- “She don't know wha dis ting does" -- bids $4.50. Morgan bids $5.85.
The price: $5.59. Ha, Jessica wins! She want to call her mom.
Our third item is duct tape for tucking some other things, hems or something. Tyra bids $2.98. Sonique bids $4. Tatiana bids $3.75.
The price: $6.98. Sonique wins!
The “Showcase Throwdown consists of essential ladyboy night on the town items: brass knuckles, a can of pepper spray and A BRAND NEW WIG! "OOOOOOuuuu,” all the ladies coo. And this ain't just not ho wig either, it’s a lace-front with human hair. Probably just like the ones the real Tyra wears.
Sonique bids $225.01. Jessica bids $390. Raven bids $395.
The price: $1,283.90. Raven wins it all and a phone call home to momma.
Raven calls home. Mom doesn't seem to know who he is at first then it's love and smooches.
Ru says this week's main challenge is The Snatch Game. It’s celebrity impersonation. Whaaa??!! Then why not just call it the Celebrity Impersonation challenge? What’s with the 'snatch'? Is it just to draw viewers. I don’t get it. Maybe it’s not made to be understood, let’s just go with it.
The queens have to impress the judges with more than their impersonations; they also have to have the right looks, precision and show some wit.
“Make us laugh,” Ru says, “And may the best Liza win.”
Poor, sweet Tatiana is new to impersonation. She asks Jessica who she’s going to do and she says Jessica Wild. Tattiana agrees and says that Tatiana IS her character so he’s just adrift and glances around looking lost and bird-like. Jessica has a reason to be Jessica - - she’s clueless as to what’s going on.
Morgan is Pink and Sonique’s doing Lady Gaga.
“Hey Squirrelfriends,” Ru says to the group. Jessica tells her she's decided to do Ru. Is she a nutball or what. She shows Ru some of what she calls Ru’s mannerisms and just looks scary and ready for her closeup.
But Ru gives her a pound for having the balls to do one of the judges. Oh god, this should be something. Ru also hopes she won’t be gagging on Sonique’s Gaga. Is that another reference to Gaga’s supposed penis?
Pandora’s doing Carol Channing and both Ru and I squeeze our eyes tight and cheer. Raven’s doing Paris Hilton. Ru reminds Tyra that the judges mentioned her deep voice. Tyra doesn’t care and Ru says it worked for Bea Arthur. Ha, she’s such a hoot. Juju will be Kimora Lee. Ugh, I fucking hate the real Kimora, but I guess I’ll endure. Morgan’s Pink tells Tatiana’s Britney that her blond wig is wack and she has a better one she can wear. That's a bit harsh. Morgan tells us the wig only had three hairs, ha. Tataiana is, of course, insulted and vows to knock stinkass Morgan/Pink off her pedestal. Tatiana tells Tyra, who’s chosen to do Beyoncé, that Beyoncé was only funny when she fell off stage. Tyra gives her a sideways glance that says, 'What you talking 'bout, bitch.' They go back and forth with Tyra extolling the wonder that is Beyoncé until Juju tells us that “Tyra talks like she knows Beyoncé, like she’s paying her bills.”Ha!
That's enough, let’s get ready for Snatch Game 2010. And let’s not fuck it up, dolls.
The game seems to be the dolls answering questions in character on a two-tiered dais. It’s Ru and two additional celebrity judges who are, oh my Lord, Phoebe Price!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! -- the red-head who’s only known talent is constantly photos appearing at premieres in outfits even Ru wouldn’t wear. This show is full of surprises. Oh, and Alec Mapa, a minor character on Ugly Betty.
Pandora’s Carol Channing is pretty good, in looks and wit. Morgan/Pink fucks up her first answer when Ru asks her if she's ever appeared on a game show before and she says yes, this is her first one. She immediately knows she messed up and is sulky the rest of the game.
Juju is spot on Kimora in looks but needs to be more stuck up.
Gaga says “trust.” Okay. When Jessica/Ru is called on, she ignores Ru at first then does this head thing and calls out, “Heeeeeeeeeelllllllllooooooooooo darling.”
Ru laughs but I think she just looks totally nutty in a wild blonde fright wig and Ru just doesn’t act like that.
Raven’s Paris looks okay and is a little bit funny, Sahara’s Whitney looks more like a corner barmaid than an international diva. And that little newbie, Tatiana, does a spot on Britney and is funny to boot. Tyra choose "Sasha Fierce" but is “Sasha Flat” in striped wig and overdone lashes. Pandora tells us that "Tyra is NOT Beyoncé." As if we didn’t already know.
Then they play a another stupid quiz game, the judges answering questions first, then the contestants. The double entendres are flying. Tyra, who last week said she was America’s sweetheart, manages to continue to make fun of Mystyique even though she’s long gone. None of them were really funny at all.
Elimination day. Tyra wishes everyone well. She can take the high road since she won the challenge last week.
Ru looks positively lurid today in bright blond curls and vivid, wavy strips as she trades compliments with the judges from the runway. As a tip of the hat to Neicy Nash she wears a large red ornamental flower in her hair. Neicy notices. The dolls’ personal style is on runway tonight.
Blonde Pandora looks pretty good in glowing silver with a long leg slit. Tyra looks absolutely gorgeous in a red and black suit with the most fabulous black hat with three long, slender feathers and black veiling while toting high-end shopping bags. She makes a very merry widow.
Morgan's just arrived from the circus with a little black top hat, gold outfit and black over-the-knee boots; Ru calls Jujubee Lil' Kim or Little Kimchi. Ha. She looks hot as Kimchi.
Sonique’s decked out in black and orange tiger stripes with pointy ears to match, she’s very Julie Newmar sex kitten. Tatiana’s blue/purple metallic skirt is in danger of showing her cucu. Jessica looks like Prince in black ruffles. Raven is Parisian in a long, black and white patterned dress with a red ruffled underskirt. And Sahara is all mutton-sleeved in black leather and lace -- the judges call her Grace Jones. Very Matrix.
This week’s selection process is pretty cute. The queens stand clutching small silver suitcases -- it’s “Heel or no Heel.” If you open the box and there’s a heel in there you’re safe. Tyra, Raven ("Oh thank God!!," she says), Jessica and Sahara are safe.
Tatiana, Jujubee, Pandora and Morgan are the best and the worst for the week.
The judges face-to-face critique: Jujubee’s personality should have been bigger, Sonique’s Lady Gaga was not funny at all. (But then again, nor is the real Lady G.) Sonique said it was all about the fashion. Pandora was campy and funny. Tatiana tells us she's proud of herself. Guest judge Lisa Rinna says that Britney used to live around the corner from her and that Tatiana NAILED her. But Merle says she looks like a hooker today. Oh my. Morgan fucked up her answer and was sulky. Now the Interior Illusions Lounge, and drinks, await!
The judges babble: Tatiana was amazing as Britney, just the best! Pandora has no personal style but is really funny. Morgan’s Pink was weak and she knew it. She said she didn’t want to embaraass Pink. Bull. Jujubee had makeup lines on her neck so she’s penalized for no attention to detail.
Pandora was a standout and is safe, Tatiana looked cheap on the runway but was confident in the challenge and she’s the winner! Take that Morgan! She wins immunity and a $1,000 shopping spree at Billion Dollar Babes, a high-end discount site. It’d better be discount, a grand doesn’t go far with Michael Kors.
Sonique is beautiful but they gagged on her Gaga, so she’s up to lipsync. Morgan’s performance was dull, she’s up too.
Jujubee needs to turn up the heat or she’s gonna go down in flames, but she’s safe.
The song tonight is Two of Hearts by Stacey Q. Sonique immediately starts stripping, throwing her skirt off to reveal a matching tiger stripped thong. Ass cheeks showing, she then starts doing cartwheels and splits. Morgan says it’s not a gymnastics competition, but she’s having a hard time keeping her eyes off the sex kitten.
The judges say Morgan’s lipsync was tight and that Sonique worked every inch of the stage. And it’s Morgan who will shanté and stay while Sonique sashays away. Everyone claps for her.
As she leaves she wonders if she was too cocky (Tatiana says YES!) but says she’s been humbled. Amen.
SexyChattyCatty is a regular contributor at CrabbyGolightly.com where she writes on TV, America's favorite snack food.
ICKY BABY
WTF Is a New Category For Toys
EVERYTHING ABOUT THIS IS JUST SO WRONG.
Last we checked, babies didn't have pubes and weren't allowed to play with razors.
What's this for? Mental preparation for bikini waxes? Giving safety lessons with scissors? Help mommy explain why she's razoring her vajayjay in the shower?
If you've got an explanation, let me hear it.
Via BuzzFeed.
February 22, 2010
BECAUSE NONHUMANS ARE MORE TRUSTWORTHY
Somebody Who Looks Like Conan O'Brien's Uncle Snapped Kissing Dolphin
THIS PIC PURPORTS TO SHOW CONAN O'BRIEN KISSING A NONHUMAN DOLPHIN WHILE ON VACATION.
We're not buying it, unless Conan's deal with the devil to look perpetually young was called off when he left NBC's employ.
We think this must be Conan's batty older uncle, you know, the one they keep in the attic. 'Cause unemployed talk show hosts in search of a gig don't let themselves go like this in the space of a month.
LIVING ON A PRAYER
The Pretense Is Slipping On O.C. Housewives
CLASSLESS TRASH.
That's what Vicki thinks of Alexis and I think she hits the nail on the head.
She's like a Bad Girl spouting off unnecessary shit all the time, getting pissed off over something, anything, every time they're in a group of women. These women who think they and they're lives are so perfect are such tightasses. So Alexis and Vicki? They'll have the conversation now.
Vicki is beet red. The work thing comes up first and Vicki is accused of being defensive. Yeah, she said that she and Don had to work but people say that. They took it way too seriously probably because they were drunk and the atmosphere was already poisoned. She is so red.
Tamra joins in the beatdown but says she's not attacking and Vicki should stand up for herself. Briana being there didn't matter. Alexis says all four women think Vicki doesn't realize offensive how she can be. Vicki says Alexis has a nerve to call her out like that, who the hell does she think she is, she doesn't know her and pretty much says it's between you and me, bitch.
This is my group, where the hell did you come from. She leaves the table and Briana says she’s doesn't like to be ganged up on and defends her mom. Instead of arguing, she says she’s not dealing with their bullshit. She feels like the only adult at the table and she is.
Face still frozen in place, Lynne returns from the ladies room to a chaotic scene with Vicki gone and wonders what happened. (Lynne’s face has been bugging me since the surgery. It has a very Marlon Brando in The Godfather quality, like there is cotton in the bottom of her cheeks. Hmmm. Was it always like that or has the surgery pronounced it. Anyway.) Briana tells the group her mom is going thru a lot now, a busy executive with a daughter who may have cancer, and doesn’t deserve what they did. Her mom left because they were all up on her for no good reason. Tamra goes outside with Briana to get Vicki, who says she shouldn’t have been confronted like that.
When they try to calm her down, Vicki says fuck Alexis feelings, she’s not saying she’s sorry about bitch being offensive, she just wanted a stupid salad.
The rest of the ladies go outside and Alexis claims to love Vicki. Ha. Vicki says, rightly, you don’t know me. Thinking, get that Christian bullshit out of my face. You spoiled my lunch. I am over you. Then the work thing comes up again. Damn. Get over it. Vicki tells Alexis her delivery was offensive and it was, like somebody off the street, flapping those duck lips. Vicki laments to Tamra: "Where’s the fun we used to have.” No, we’re not having fun anymore and we’re only 15 minutes in.
Vicki wants away from the entire situation and I don’t blame her. This is so middle school. Eventually they all go back to the table and there are apologies all around. Alexis proposes they pray, pray for Briana. Tamra wonders if we've ever seen such a freaking dysfunctional group. And Alexis prays. On and on and on, she prays. Fighting and praying, what a group. I did not think this was going to happen. Neither did Briana who says she thought the day would be all sunshine and roses, not the pain in the ass it turned into.
Tamra and Simonare relaxing in their living room. She relates the fight claiming Vicki was defensive and hysterical. Not quite. She accuses Alexis of being a bit of a know-it-all. Well, she's a devout Christian, don’t they all know it all.
Simon can't wait to hate on Vicki. Then he accuses Tamra of becoming consumed by her outside exploits. That's she’s become a fan of the trips and the drama. She says the kids are older and she has more freedom and he doesn't like it. She changes the subject to Lynne's eviction.
Ugh, he's back. Slade and Gretchen go to Palm Springs to visit her parents who have been married a long, long time, 39 years. Wow, they're a very attractive couple. And they’ve rented the Merv Griffin estate. I wonder why? To show off for Slade? What's up with this. Anyway, there’s a horse farm, horse track, palm trees, mansion. Absolutely stunning with the grounds so clean you could eat off them. And a butler!
They take a tour. Gretchen’s mom is being cautious, I don’t think she’s getting good vibes from Slade or else she’s already tipsy.
Frank is packing. He acknowledges that he should have been more honest with his wife and kids and wonders what will become of their relationship since they're now living apart. Lynne and the kids are pissed at him and he says if they have to choose they should choose their mom cause he's the one who’s screwed up. Awwww. Frank. Like most of us, and I'm raising my hand here, the couple loves champagne but can only afford Bud Lite.
Briana comes home from work. She and her mom talk about waiting for her biopsy report and how stressful it is. If it's cancer the family’s life will change.
Slade and Gretchen's dad, Scott, go biking. Oh no, he's asking for Gretchen’s hand. Scott says go ask her mom. And wear your asbestos suit. Gretchen cooks and talks about Slade to her mom, Brenda, who still seems very reserved. She says she likes Slade, but it takes her a long time to warm up to the kids' lovers. Has she smiled this episode?
Tamra walks with Vicki. They admire the scenery and houses, avoiding anything serious at first. Then Tamra asks what she thinks about San Fran trip. Vicki calmly says ya'll beat up on me. She calls Alexis high school and says she heard it was a total Don and Vicki hatefest after they left Lynne’s dinner party. Tamra tells her she wouldn’t let that happen but she totally did and joined in enthusiastically. They're obviously growing apart but talk about how they usually back each other up. Vicki tells her to see to Simon and her marriage, she’s out. It’s toxic talk.
Oh God, we're on fucking date night with Jim and Alexis. No foie gras I hope. Thank goodness this is just one of those short vignettes. He's a total jerk while ordering and she starts throwing those gangsta hands around again.
But here they are again, at home. It seems they’re entertaining their pastor and his wife 'cause Alexis feels guilty and needs some guidance. Keep you mouth shut, how bout that? They say grace. Alexis wonders how it is being a pastor's wife. The pastor's wife says it's a lotta pressure. Jim says something about women’s dress and breast size and the table is momentarily silent. The pastor says beauty is also a gift to be used. I guess he approves of prostitutes and pole-dancers.
Alexis confesses to not being very Christian to Vicki and the next day the sermon was watch your tongue. O my. They talk more prayer stuff, the journey and the love of God.
Dinner with the parents. I think Gretchen is drunk already. They eat outside. Brenda stares daggers at Slade. Love you, girl. Ahhh, she's smiling now. Gretchen questions them about marriage and says she thinks leasing is better. It would keep people on their toes, she says, or you could be traded in. Her parents think she's drunk or crazy. Then she says she’s scared to get married again and Slade looks stricken. Mom says she should just think of herself first. Slade justs looks around silently.
Lynne and Alexa go to Frank’s hotel for a showdown with daddy. Alexa is just over him. She says she's never had a stable home, it seems they've moved a lot, and that everything Frank promises just never comes true. Lynne says their M.O. has always been living beyond their means. Frank says it’s not too late for them to have a real family life but Lynne and Alexa don’t seem to be buying it. I feel kinda sorry for Alexa now that I know more of the situation. She’s a spoiled brat but they made her that way.
Then, I can’t believe this. Frank says he’s not perfect but he loves them and is sorry he let them down. Now he feels a family vacation coming on. What? What? He’s got to be kidding, but I don’t think he is. Lynne is not the only one living in a dream world. Are they both mental? Like those killer couples whose life of crime may have been thwarted if they had never met?
Alexa calls bullshit and says she just wants to be a normal kid and that she's tired of moving all around Orange County, and that damn, she’s almost 18 and will be moving out soon herself. She cries. You can feel their devastation through the screen.
Read O.C.'s Housewives Shop For Happy, Go Home Emptyhanded here.
SexyChattyCatty is a regular contributor at CrabbyGolightly.com where she writes on TV, America's favorite snack food.
RETAIL THERAPY
O.C.'s Housewives Shop For Happy, Go Home Emptyhanded
POOR FRANK. He tried to shield his family from his money troubles and it bit him in the ass.
He had Lynne thinking that her cuffs paid the rent. Ha! In Orange County yet. Now it's seems Lynne whiningly regrets not knowing anything.
But poor Frank, three chicks yapping at him all the time for expensive baubles. Tired of the whining, he finally schools Lynne on how it really is, that they need to get real and cut out all the trips, shopping and plastic surgery. She blames him for keeping her in the dark when all she had to do was ask the hard questions.
After their meeting in the park, without the girls around, they walk off in different directions. Their foul-mouthed daughters already know too much about their parents' business.
Bad news for Vicki. Her daughter Briana has what sounds like a serious medical problem, something about nodules or tumors in her throat. She's scared. It seems it's genetic. Vicki has work (of course) on the same day as Briana's next appointment so she vacillates and Briana gets upset and accuses her of thinking of nothing but work. Vicki insists she'll go with her.
Oh my freaking… the housewives get together for another trip. Vicki comes with so we know there'll be fireworks.
She's wearing neon orange and looking like a firecracker.
Frank stays at a hotel while Lynne and the girls go to her mothers' house. She wonders whether she should cancel a trip to San Fran with the girls. Huh. You just got evicted, stupid. She spills to Tamra who feels for her and probably wonders how close she got to being in the same situation. Frank gets blamed for the entire situation, although Tamra counsels against divorce and says she should still go on the trip. It’s already paid for.
Alexis and Gretchen lunch. Alexis wants soda water with two squeezed limes, a Skinny Girl. Why not drink air? Their waitress hates them, I can tell.
Alexis needs to grow up, she’s still an alley cat. Her boring story should’ve been snored at. And they bring up the "they act like they're the only ones who work" thing. Ok. Oh, oh. Alexis plans to tell Vicki to watch her tongue on the trip. O, man, I CAN NOT WAIT.
At Briana’s appointment Vicki, tearfully, says she’s positive that Briana doesn’t have cancer. Oh wow, I didn’t know it was that serious. Briana’s a sweet girl and a good kid, I hate seeing her go through this.
Alexis gets Jim’s permission for a weekend trip. She says she’s nervous; I think "insecure." If you don’t want to be inconvenienced, Jim, don’t have 3 little kids at 47.
Vicki’s still pissed that Tamra sided with Simon at the dinner party. She accuses Alexis of being self-centered but she’s still going to get off on a better foot with her. What! Screw them. But I guess she can’t. She’s bringing Briana so things stay calm. I hope it works, Alexis is crazy.
The whole thing's a joke to Gretchen. Lynne justifies going on the trip and Tamra and Vicki sit next to each other. They finally get to the nitty-gritty. Vicki’s forgiving and Tamra says now arguing on the trip, just fun. Right. Their penthouse suite is sweeeeeeet, with a view of the Golden Gate Bridge.They toast on the roof top deck.
Ahhhh, they're having dinner at Hubert Keller’s famous restaurant Fleur de Lys. That, is awesome, wish I were there. Also glad they have a private room cause you know some shit is gonna jump off and we’ve already had a bad restaurant scene in Atlanta. That was enough. Alexis keeps calling Jim who’s at home with the kids AND A NANNY. Calling and texting and calling. Vicki wonders what the deal is. So do I. I hate that, so sickening. Leave that man alone, he’s grown. Even Tamra thinks it stupid.
We see a little vignette of Jim trying, with the nanny, to put a tricycle together. He’s in glasses and kinda sweaty. It’s a good look for him, he looks a little hot there. I like the dirty, sweaty look.
Vicki tells the girls Briana’s health issues and they try to cheer her up by offering her olives and telling her tits are popping out of her dress. Lynne blathers on about the eviction notice and really brings the table down. She plays the victim again. Vicki says most of these women don’t get it, she recites the hard line that you need to take care of your business. Gretchen, at least, lets Frank off the hook.
I told ya'll this girl, Alexis, is not classy. At all. After asking Gretchen for a taste of her foie gras, something she’s never tasted before, she hunches her shoulders and spits…it…out. At Fleur de Lys, ya’ll, Huber Keller’s famous French restaurant, she spits out foie gras. As Tamra says, “a five star restaurant and she just…spit it out. Like strings of spit.” Vicki almost throws up and Alexis said she was going to throw up, Ugh. OMG I’m beyond words.
Gretchen loves it. Vicki heaves again. WTF. They are in a 5-star restaurant which Gretchen says they will never visit again. Did I miss something? Vicki just said Alexis was trash and why is she here? It’s building.
Briana arrives to kisses all around. Vicki appreciates the compassion and concern they show her. Then the sommelier pops the champagne cork with a sword. It's corny but I love it. Then Gretchen loses it. She’s laying in back of Vicki to tell Briana how sorry she was, losing it. I guess because of Jeff. She seems sincere.
Let the shopping begin!Oooooooooo I love everything they try on. And everything they have on. I may have to go shopping at Bravo's Houswives store one day. They talk about sharing clothes. The economy, you know. I think Tamra is serious. Then Lynne asks Tamra if she’s buying a jacket she has her eye on. Tamra looks around like, did someone say something. Gretchen thinks Lynne is a total nut to be buying a jacket costing over $1,000! “Didn’t you just get kicked out of your house?” she queries. Uh, yea. Clueless. Lynne says she just got paid. Then put it towards a down payment on a new pad. Arrghhgh. She tries my patience. Poor Frank.
Drinks at lunch. Alexis wonders why it’s okay for Vicki to get work calls but not for her to call her husband a hundred times.
“What, she can make business calls but I can’t call my husband?’ she challenges. To be continued.
SexyChattyCatty is a regular contributor at CrabbyGolightly.com where she writes on TV, America's favorite snack food.
February 20, 2010
UNFINISHED BUSINESS
Tiger Woods Faces Long Recovery From Playing With Sexual Napalm
IF PERCEPTION IS EVERYTHING, MAYBE THAT EXPLAINS WHY ON FRIDAY TIGER WOODS appeared fatter, older, balder and much more human.
And contrite, too! Don't forget contrite.
For that was the point of Woods' worldwide apology for detonating his career and family with "sexual napalm,'' to borrow a phrase from John Mayer.
In a carefully crafted apologia delivered in 13:32 minutes, the fallen golf god seemed hellbent on piecing together the shattered shards of his once-mythic life.
But here was something different: he didn't point the finger at anyone else. He didn't blame it on his father's alleged womanizing; he didn't blame it on the enabling behavior of his handlers or the sycophants who surround him. (Though that was evident with just a quick through the audience.
Read "Tiger Woods Fall Prey To The Chase For Magic Pussy here.
Those who were there had the look of employees attending a required staff meeting with the boss.)
"I was unfaithful, I had affairs. I cheated,'' Tiger said unwaveringly. "What I did is not acceptable and I am the only person to blame."
He also chivalrously defended his wife, saying "Elin deserves praise not blame." Which was out of place because even a blind man can see that she is the one figure who has maintained her grace and dignity during Tiger's public relations debacle.
We learned that Tiger's going back to treatment; that he wants his save his marriage; that he will return to golf, maybe even later this year.
And though, as usual, he played this game superiorly, he also rightly said that we can't trust his words alone. "As Elin point out to me, my real apology to her will not come in the form of words. It wil come from my behavior over time."
Already, there are those who smell calculation. "Sorry, but I didn't buy it,'' wrote the Washington Post's Sally Jenkins. The New York Times praised Tiger's disciplined delivery, saying, "His apology may have seemed out of sync with his button-down public demeanor, but it was very much in line with his sportsmanship." And Richard Laermer, the author of Full Frontal PR, told the New York Daily News: "This was so rehearsed, he looked like a cartoon character." And the former PR chief for the New York Yanks dismissed the apology as an "infomercial."
"What I saw was arrogance," Rick Cerone told CNN.
My theory: the jury's still out. No one knows yet if Tiger is sincerely sorry or just handing in a cynical performance. But I read a passage today that defines the difference between winners and losers:
"A winner is one who responds authentically by being credible, trustworthy, responsive, and genuine, both as an individual and as a member of society,'' wrote James Jongeward, author of Born To Win.
"A loser,'' Jongeward asserts, "is one who fails to respond authentically."
If he's faking, the public won't bear the brunt. Tiger will, for having to live with himself.
Read "Deconstructing Tiger: Vanity Fair Delivers Satisfying End To Woods' Downfall" here.
Read "Tiger Woods: Not Black Like Me here.
TAKING CHARGE
British Moms Fess To Getting Sexual Raise During Financial Downturn
GASP! British mums are getting freaky in bed!
A recent study of 4,200 women conducted by an English parenting website yielded interesting results. Fox News, in all its balanced fairness, topped an article chronicling the study with a headline that basically warns Caution! Women Gettin' Kinky 'n' Becomin' Porn Addicts!
The survey's most heartening revelation? That while last year's survey revealed more than half of these women were sexually unsatisfied, this year more than 60 percent "claimed"* to be fulfilled in the boudoir. The hypothesis?
Assertiveness in a time of economic despair.
The study found that 75 percent of women surveyed "use"* porn. This is compared to the 66 percent of women who, a year ago "admitted"* to watching porn with their partners. This phenomenon is fantastic -- assuming, of course, these couples are watching what I like to call posi-porn, porn that does not degrade its subjects. Of these couples, 61 percent of them watch internet porn.
'Cause like, duh, what else would you do? Spend your hard-earned chedd on porn when RedTube and YouPorn have a plethora of categories well-suited to any situation? (Note: I like YouPorn's "Romantic" category not because I'm a sissy, but because I like to pretend like the people I'm watching actually like each other. Lesbian porn, sometimes, has the same sentimental affectation.)
The study also concluded that four in five women "indulge"* in role play and may dress up in costume for their partners. The most popular outfit -- yawn --
is a French maid (42%), followed by nurses -- bigger yawn (25%), and policewomen (16%). But I suppose pre-packaged costumes are more fun than Fruit of the Loom or -- worse -- undressing with the lights off and waiting timidly like a quivering chipmunk beneath cold sheets.
But this is not all. The study found that more than half of the women used sex toys in the bedroom to "add a buzz of excitement."**
What's most fascinating is the negative correlation between prevalence of vibrators and concern about male stamina. A mere five percent of the women reported any issue with how long their partner was able to last. Well no shit! If women have a vibe, some D can get 'em close and then a cordial top-drawer friend can finish them off, often providing more visceral and longer-lasting orgasms. I am NOT suggesting that sex toys can -- for me at least -- replace a sensual corporeal connection, but it's easy to forgive a partner for finishing off a few minutes too soon when there is a battery-operated friend to finish you off with gusto.
Perhaps the most interesting statistic, when placed alongside the rest, is that 75% of these women report having less sex than one year ago. But I thought we were paving the way to total sexual realization!??
I was poised and ready to pop some champagne in the streets! How is it that sex appears so much more exciting, innovative, and candid when there is less of it?
Deidre Sanders of The U.K.'s Sun surmizes:
"Such rapid changes in sexual behavior reflect the extreme circumstances that so many couples have had to cope with this last year. Women find they either have to, or choose to, shoulder more of the breadwinning role, so they feel more confident in demanding and organizing a sex life which suits their needs, not just their partner's."
So, in the end, we are left with the choice of quality vs. quantity.
What would you rather have? Decent boning every day or earth-shattering bangfests once a week? Weigh in!
*The words "claimed," "use," "admit," and "indulge" are not my own. They are sarcastically borrowed from Fox New's retelling of the story published in The Sun. It is insulting to posit that women are merely "claiming" to have good sex. I also wish that "using" porn was something that one could simply mention, not feel obliged to "admit." Finally, referring to roleplaying as an "indulgence," as opposed to a commonplace activity (which it certainly is for some folks), portrays such behavior as lavish. Preposterous!
**Oh, spare me the easy pun, Fox. You couldn't be hip if you tried.
What's your pleasure? Got a problem? Write to Avoine at AvoineSauvage@CrabbyGolightly.com
February 19, 2010
REIGN ON ME
For Different Reasons, Lysacek, Weir, Rule Over Olympic Ice
THEY WERE THE KING AND QUEEN OF THE ICE RINK.
The King: talk, dark and handsome Evan Lysacek, originally from Illinois, who performed his long program with a steely and disciplined determination to dominate.
The Queen: the glittery, fluid and feminine Johnny Weir, skating the "the best he's ever been -- ever,'' according to NBC's Olympics skating commentator Scott Hamilton.
And even though he mesmerized, skated his winningest, it suspiciously wasn't enough for the Pennsylvania native to take home a medal.
The long program at the 2010 Vancouver Olympics upended Russia's 18-year reign over the men's figure skating contest.
With his spot-on performance, Lysacek upstaged the strutting Yevgeny Plushenko who believed the gold medalist would need to execute a quad jump.
"This is the greatest night of my life,'' a beaming Lysacek told an NBC reporter shortly after collecting his prize. "I'll never forget it."
There was no NBC after-comment from Weir; nothing but a last shot of him wearing a crown of roses.
For all his flamboyance, Weir delivered a stunning performance Thursday night that punctuated the point he made earlier in the week: he is indeed an athlete. But like another royal figure who dared to steal the spotlight, Weir's audacity to shine both on and off the ice may have cost him.
Read "We Love You, We Hate You, Johnny Weir" here.
Read "It's Official: Johnny Weir's A Little Monster" here.
February 18, 2010
LIVING WITH LONGING
Prisoners Of Love: New TV Series Showcases Women Married To Convicts
I KNOW YOU'VE HAD THE CONVERSATION. I'VE HAD IT MANY TIMES.
Every time one of those stories pop up where a woman decides to marry a serial killer. "Is she crazy?" we ask. Maybe, maybe not.
If you're really wondering, check out the Investigation Discovery channel's Prison Wives, about women who'll probably never live with their Valentines.
The series website describes it thusly:
This captivating series introduces audiences to women who have fallen in love with and married a prisoner behind bars. PRISON WIVES examines the compassion and selflessness behind these stories of love, however unexpected. These unconventional families provide audiences a look inside prison life and what keeps these relationships together, for better or worse, richer or poorer.”
One coupling, that of LaToya and Cornelius Marion, seems really true love. Although she works three jobs to pay for lawyers and researchers and spends endless hours in law libraries, she does it cheerfully and without complaint. Her lack of children probably accounts for some of that.
She's determined to free her man if she can. And she does find evidence that forces her husband's prosecutor to recommend his sentence be reduced from life to 26 years, an enormous accomplishment. Her friends are mostly supportive and her man seems to appreciate all her hard work.
The story of Annika and Anthony is different. Mainly because Annika had three children when she decided to write to and then marry a lifer. Anthony will never get out and Annika does nothing to help free him. She’s dragged her kids from pillar to post to follow his jail transfers, caused mainly by his continuing bad behavior. Her kids call him dad and there are pictures of the happy group everywhere. But when she complains that she has $30 for food that has to last from the 26th until the 7th of the next month, is on Section 8 housing and doesn’t want him to take an offered “paying” prison job because it would interfere with their family time, well... I just don’t know about girlfriend.
This subject fascinates me and I want to see all 13 stories of the 12 women and 1 man.
SexyChattyCatty is a regular contributor at CrabbyGolightly.com where she writes on TV, America's favorite snack food.
FOR BIRDS OF A FEATHER
Trinkets For The Twitter Obsessed
COMMUNICATION HAPPENS IN LESS THAN 140 CHARACTERS.
For the biggest twits among us, there's these handmade novelties listed by artisans on Etsy.
Choose from the come-hither stalk me stockings ($18), a "tweet" necklace appropriately made in plastic ($13), or the world's smallest diary for errant thoughts ($5.5).
Makes the perfect gift for the Twitteratti, obsessed fans of celebrity tweeters, and self-important social networkers.
IT'S COMPLICATED
Past Performance Is Not Indicative Of Future Results
HERE'S A SNAP LESSON ON MODERN ECONOMICS THAT WE HOPE'S BEING TAUGHT IN B SCHOOLS ACROSS AMERICA.
It's in a form that the kiddies can appreciate: a rap history of 100 years of conflicting monetary policy produced by EconStories.
Does government keep its animal paws off the economy -- or pretend it has the reins?
I thought we already learned that answer from failed communist Russia.
But as the world economy teeter backs from the brink of disaster, and on the anniversary of President Barack Obama's unprecedented spending stimulus, some smarty pants have created this video posing the question:
In a world where men can't contain their appetites, what should be the role of government?
Note that interventionist John Maynard Keyes is the hottie here; the contrarian Friedrich von Hayek is the dull man in brown to whom no one pays attention.
This irreverent video asks: Do we really have control or do we just delude ourselves?
Are men -- and I do mean men -- capable of a "self-organizing system of voluntary co-operation?" Hmmm.
Video via BoingBoing.net.
February 17, 2010
PIROUETTING PROVOCATEUR
We Love You, We Hate You, Johnny Weir
JOHNNY WEIR TWIRLED AND TRIPLE-AXELED HIS WAY INTO SIXTH PLACE in the men's short figure skating program at the Vancouver Olympics last night.
Looking demure by his normal standards, the ingenue on ice sashayed in a plunging sheer and glittery black outfit accented with hot pink tassles. He danced to I Love You, I Hate You, and though some say that choice is a statement on the media, you could just as easily argue it's about Johnny's relationship with himself.
Just the mention of Johnny's name provokes laughter from NBC skating commentator and former Olympian Scott Hamilton, who made joke of Johnny's "pink bath mats" and candles. But analyst Sandra Bezic was quick to counter: "He may be flippant in his press releases and press conferences, but he does deliver the goods."
Johnny's flamboyance on and off ice has made him a lightning rod for criticism, most recently from anti-fur activitists outraged that he wore fox fur at a recent US skating competition. Death threats forced the Pennyslvanian native to live within the confines of the Olympic village rather than his preferred private hotel. And, at least according to some news accounts, his flirty dalliance with the Olympic audience last night cost him points with the judges. Johnny's reaction to the 82.10 score: "As long as it's pretty, I don't really care. And as long as I don't land on my ass."
Already resigned to missing a chance for a medal, John said Tuesday that he was looking forward to making people "feel" during Thursday's longer performance.
"I want people to feel like they are doing this with me regardless of where they are from or who they are rooting for.
I want them to feel like they are out there on the ice with me.''
HIS VOICE ECHOES
Ebert Teaches Young Critics The Courage Of Convictions
ESQUIRE delivers a premature obituary on Roger Ebert, one of journalism's foremost film critics.
Cancer has taken away his jaw and his ability to speak, but he remains a persistent force in criticism as he continues to write.
The mag's piece is a lovely if slightly overwrought look at the man and the legend. Ebert was the first journalist to earn the Pulitzer Prize for film criticism. As a writer myself, I can only dare to achieve the kind of status or loyalty that Ebert has won with his insightful writing. But this isn't about me.
Though Ebert lost his ability to speak in 2006, his passion for film and writing remains fierce. And though Esquire’s testament to Ebert reads like a grim eulogy, it’s refreshing to see the man appreciated in his own time.
For as long as I can remember whenever I told folks that I was going to school for film studies, I always got this blank look like, "What does that mean?" I could also dismiss their confusion with a nonchalant "Like what Ebert does." What always followed then was a reassuring nod of acknowledgment.
But Ebert offered me more than just an answer to "What the hell are you doing with your life?" He awakened a passion for film that went beyond Orson Welles and Fellini.
Most importantly, he taught me the value of my own opinion. After all, isn't that what film reviewing about: the conviction of a writer’s assertions.
Ebert has turned reviewing into an art form. Without him, film review as it exists today wouldn't be half as personal or as meaningful.
Without him, I might never have found the courage to express my own convictions. Thank you, Mr. Ebert, for that and more.
Calhoun Kersten is a Cincinnati, Ohio, native who now calls Chicago home. A recent graduate of Columbia College, he blogs at Confessions Of A Self-Proclaimed Megalomaniac.
EXTRA ORDINARY
Lady Gaga Flies Away With Brit Awards
LOOK! IT'S A BIRD, IT'S A PLANE, IT'S THE SUPER G!
Gaga soars over the crowd at the Brit Awards where she snagged awards for International Female Solo Artist and International Album (for The Fame) and International Breakthrough Act.
Did anyone else or thing matter at the show? Who can tell when The Lady G envelopes attention with her white wings and birdnest's wig.
Just looking at these pictures is so exhausting that I haven't time or energy to read about anybody else.
Yet there is something cold and untouchable about Lady G. as compared to her closest comparison, Madonna.
Back when Madge wore pointy bras and fishnet stockings you always felt the heat behind her hoopla. And she made you feel her anger/ revulsion/ haughtiness/ daring/ fuck-you-it-all attitude.
She's got my attention, but I'ml waiting to feel more than curiousity about Gags.
February 16, 2010
HOOTIN' TRANNIES
Welcome To The 'Ho Down': A RuPaul's Drag Race Recap
THIS WEEK'S THEME IS COUNTRY, YA'LL.
In the queens' workspace is a long picnic table with a checkered tablecloth. The girls gather around and Raven bitches that she didn't like being at the bottom last week and didn't cotton to having to lipsync for her life. Not. At. All.
Ru appears in cowboy hat and jeans, with the wildest, weirdest cowboy shirt I've seen since W was in office. This week's mini-challenge is Drag Survivor. The contestants are blindfolded and asked to judge what they put in their mouths. They have paddles on which is written either Chicken or WHAT??!! Ugh, I hate taste tests. First to get three points wins!
First course -- the answer is WHAT??!! It's not chicken but bull testicles. Let the screeching begin.
Second course -- the answer is WHAT??!! This tidbit is soy chicken.
Third course -- the answer is WHAT??!! Tyra thinks it's rat tail. No, Tyra, it's frogs legs. So uncouth. Or maybe I should say, "she so country."
There's a tie between Mystique, Pandora and Morgan. That means an eat-off --or a ho-down, if you will.
On the menu: chicken, rabbit, alligator and deep-fried cow brains. Mystique says she’s gonna beat these skinny bitches. Raven says she inhaled it all in one gulp. Maybe Raven's right cause Mystique is done, bitches. Then it's between Pandora and Morgan. Suddenly Morgan throws up cow brains halfway down the table. Ugh, an explosion, nasty. That's why I hate these things, someone always throws up. And because of that Pandora can’t finish.
So the winners are Mystique and Morgan. And, as the winners they get to captains two teams for the main challenge.
The McCoys -- Mystique, Pandora, Jujubee, Tattiana and Jessica.
The Hatfields - Morgan, Sahara, Sonique, Raven and Tyra. Chosen last, the other Tyra, Ms. Diva, says languidly, "they saved the best for last."
The main challenge this week? A country commercial for Disco Extra Greasy Shortening. Yum.
“Both teams delegate characters. Since Jessica's English is not that good, Mystique gives her the part of a chicken. Jessica says, in her not too good English, that they gave her the chicken part because "the chicken, it didn't say a lot." But she says nervously after reading the script, "The chicken does say a lot." Really, the chicken is the opener and closer. A very important spot.Is Santino gay? He's always seemed asexual to me but the way he looked at that bartender, well, honey, hmmm.
”
Who doesn’t think it's important? Raven. "I don’t want to be a Disco critter," she says. She's pissed. But then she always is. Doesn't take much for Raven.
I love, love, love these Absolut commercials with the cast, all as cheesy and low-fi as the show.
Is Santino gay? He's always seemed asexual to me but the way he looked at that bartender, well, honey, hmmm.
In three hours our dolls have to do their makeup and memorize the script. Morgan's team makes fun of Mystique quick finish in the eat-off while she's in earshot. We see her say how hurtful someone's words can be but that she’s heard it all her life. I don't know why they’re all surprised she did so well. Girlfriend came in calling her right arm a cheeseburger and her left some fries and a coke.
Ru goes around quizzing them on their lines. The Hatfields seem to have their lines and country accents down pat. Their makeup is scary. Raven says, "It’s chicken, there's no way to make this pretty."
On the McCoy team, Jessica looks like a clown and can barely say her lines. Jujubee doesn’t know her lines either and the rest aren't much better. Ru talks about Jessica being the chicken and Mystique lies and says she gave her that part because she knew Jessica "would have fun with it." Liar!
Kathy Najimy (my sweet Peggy Hill) will be their director. Then, damn, at the last minute Ru asks them to switch scripts. She just says, "Sorry, but that’s show biz. And don't fuck it up." Everyone groans. Morgan, with a shake of her blond fright wig, says this is what separates the girls from the women.
Jujubee pees on herself when she sees Kathy. At least that's what she says. Jessica comes out looking like Big Bird's evil twin and no one can understand what she's saying. Kathy asks her to repeat the line several times. What we knew would happen. Everyone else looks crazy -- "Lil Abner" Dogpatch, patchwork country crazy. Both Tyra and Tattiana play babies on their respective teams and both are really funny. I always think that grown-up head with baby body thing is funny. The McCoys are awful and Mystique forgets her line. Kathy grows frustrated.
Over at the Hatfields, Raven’s chicken reminds me of Betty Davis in What Ever Happened To Baby Jane but Kathy says she looks like the Joker. She claims her costume is holding her back and that Kathy isn't making it fun. Tyra’s annoyed that people have to be told things more than once. WTF, Sahara comes out as Ellie May, messes up and has to do it again. She comes back out scratching her crotch. Huh? Then Morgan puts some of the shortening in her crotch after her lines. Kathy did not like that shit.
Afterwards they're told to dress in "country couture," with clothes from home, at elimination. Tanya Tucker will join the judges panel after the dolls go off for some delicious Absolut cocktails in the Interior Illusions Lounge. Can you tell I just love that name? I wanna open up a bar with that name.
While getting ready for the elims, the dolls talk about how they feel when they're in drag and critique each others' makeup in country accents. They put on POUNDS of makeup. How do they keep their skin so nice? Probably because they’re really men and everything's fucking easier for men. If I wore that much makeup just one day I'd have a face full of zits for the rest of the year.
Here's Ruuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu! On the runway, looking a little Big Bird herself, she's in shocking yellow with a reddish-pink flipped wig and yellow flower. The panel: Ru, Santino, Meryl, Kathy and cowboy-hatted former hottie Tanya Tucker. Let the show begin.
Sonique is a country leather biker, Juju is checkered-shirt, tummy-baring teen, Raven is a curly blonde Daisy May and feels like an adorable cherry on top. Sahara is denim fringed, Tatiana is urban country while Pandora is Jessica Simpson in her country music days. Jessica Wild is hour-glass and apple bottomed but ugly. Ru says Mystique is "Star Jones before the Pilates." Morgan is Shania Twained and Tyra is country picnic. Oh wait, Tyra takes off her full skirt to reveal a short tight denim jean skirt, she parades around a bit and then whips the flowing skirt around her shoulders before stalking off as a caped crusader. Work it, girl! Ms. Country if you’re Nasty, goes from gingham girl to Superhero.
Of course, both commercials suck, but then we knew they would. But if we're comparing them to one another, which we are, The Hatfields were infinitely better. One reason is that we could understand every word Raven the chicken said. San Juan Jessica, on the other team, said “Corkel-doddle-doo.”
Sahara, Sonique, Jujubee and Morgan are judged safe which leaves Raven, Tyra, Jessica, Pandora, Mystique and Tyra on the runway.
Under questioning Raven immediately gets defensive, which is not a good look for her. And for some reason (her apple-bottom jeans?) Santino wants to mount Jessica. Ok. See why I see him as asexual or maybe bi. The judges like Pandora's humor but she creeps Santino out because he sees her outfit as fit for a 12-year-old. Mystique dressed, she says, like her country friends and calls her half-ass outfit “mall-wear country.” Raven calls bullshit. Maybe because she has on the same blouse as in the commercial. Tacky.
Tyra gets criticized for her deep voice even though she’s soooo feminine. Then they’re sent off for more cocktails.
The judges' banter: Tyra’s voice, Raven's not funny, Mystique, just no. But they loved no English speaking Jessica. Whaaa? As for Pandora, they think she’s funny but dresses god awful.
When the girls return, Pandora is told she’s safe but needs to step up her style, Mystique didn’t do well in the commercial or in country couture, so she’s up. Jessica is safe, Raven is either a star or a dud so she’s up again. Of course, she's pissed. Tyra was a hit on runway and great as the baby in the commercial so she’s the winner and gets immunity next week and a collection of Italian leather handbags. That’s an AWESOME prize.
And now it’s time TO LIP SYNC FOR YOUR LIIIIIVES.
The song is I Hear You Knocking (But You Can’t Come In by Wynona Judd.
Raven’s had practice so she immediately gets the upper hand. On knocking part Mystique knocks on her breasts, ouch. And on the “but you can’t come in” part, Raven wiggles her ass to the judges. Cute. She shantes while the mess that is Mystique has to sashay away. Raven says if she had been told to sashay away before Mystique she would have split her wrists. Mystique leaves with her head held high. Don’t be jealous of her boogie.
SexyChattyCatty is a regular contributor at CrabbyGolightly.com where she writes on TV, America's favorite snack food.
HIGH HOPES
A Reminder To Be Kind
PARADOXICALLY, IT'S RANDOM ACTS OF KINDNESS WEEK, when we are urged to perform random good deeds.
The deliberateness of designating a week to kindness seems contrary to randomness, but perhaps necessary in an era when the maxim "every man for himself" seems writ large in the world.
The admonishment became a fad in the 1980s after the phrase was coined by California writer Anne Herbert in 1982. The mantra was then turned into official proclamation when the 103rd Congress officially dubbed this week National Random Acts of Kindness Week in a bill passed in 1994.
Congress is good at making proclamations, but if they wanted to be really kind they would quit their partisan flesh-picking and find some way to provide healthcare for the one in six Americans who don't have insurance.
That would be real kindness.
And how does one even practice "random kindness" anyway? Hop on a bus, close your eyes, spin around and then offer your services to the first person you touch?
The word random is a misnomer in this mission. Let's just pledge to be kind. Open the door for old ladies and new moms, help neighbors with groceries, rescue stray cats, skip the wisecracking about Megan Fox's thumbs. (Admittedly, that will be hard.)
“It’s really just about spreading kindness with no expectation of any return,” Jason Marsh, Editor-in-Chief of Greater Good Magazine, told Tonic.
One small favor that used to be on everybody’s list of small kindnesses was to feed strangers’ expiring parking meters. But even small deed has been eliminated in Chicago where parking meters have been replaced with electronic boxes that print out timed parking permits. The permits have to be displayed on dashboards, and giving the gift of free time could result in you getting arrested for tampering with a stranger’s car.
A dozen years ago Oprah did a show on the topic during which she paid the road tolls for strangers in the cars behind her and videotaped their reactions. That made for great television, but it also helped that Oprah was doing the deed and there video cameras catching every moment. There’s no surer way to ensure people put their best face forward than to videotape their every move.
The real test of kindness comes when no one is watching.
February 15, 2010
HO HUM HEART
No Hallmarks For Homos? Oh, Well, Happy V-Day To You
I'M NOT A SENTIMENTALIST. I've long had a distaste for Valentine's Day. I mean, what kind of sick puppies name a day about love "VD?"
If you want to apply pop psychology, it's because I've never had someone to share this day with. But for the first time in my 22 years, I'm actually involved with someone this Valentine's Day.
So why do I find myself still hating it? Maybe because I'm not really invited to the lovefest.
Even though I'm an openly gay male in a committed relationship with a wonderful man, I can't call Valentine's Day my own. As far as I can tell, there's no effort to acknowledge the gay community on this manufactured holiday; there's no love Hallmarks for the homos.
Intentionally or not, that marketing policy marginalizes me and the committed relationship I’ve been in for nine months. But to point out the absense of valentine's cards for gays isn't enough.
We live in a society where advertising is everything and the ads don't include us. What, only middle-aged men can give jewelry to their wives? Valentine gifts are supposed to express of love, and there are plenty of men and women who love other men and women. Ignoring my particular demographic is just another way of wishing us away.
Since all the cards from ''your loving boyfriend'' have flowers or gender specific images, I'll be skipping the Valentine's card purchase. No matter, the plan is for us to watch some comic-book movies and order in Chinese. He knows how much he means to me and that’s something I tell him every day, so why should Valentine’s Day be any different?
I'm not bitter or angry, just feeling left out.
For all you fans of Valentine’s Day, I wish you and yours the best this holiday, even if I’m not a part of it.
Calhoun Kersten is a Cincinnati, Ohio, native who now calls Chicago home. A recent graduate of Columbia College, he blogs at Confessions Of A Self-Proclaimed Megalomaniac.
February 14, 2010
V DAY
Navigating The Nuances Of Valentine's Gift Giving
I DON'T CARE IF IT'S "MADE UP BY THE GREETING CARD INDUSTRY." I love Valentine's Day and I'm not ashamed to admit it.
I love love, man.
Even when I'm single, I hand out cards and candy to people. When I'm in a relationship, I go ape-shit and create elaborate packages full of gifts. I don't know what it is about Valentine's Day; it's just SO good.
I think it's fair to say that no one wants shitty chocolates in a heart-shaped box that you snagged at CVS. But what gift is appropriate -- not too much and not too little -- depends on the status of your relationship.
What if you're somewhere in between single and taken?
What if you just have an itty-bitty crush on someone at work?
What if you and the object of your affection are still in the "tiptoe" stage of dating?
What if you're not really friends, not really a couple, but definitely gettin' real freaky?
What if you're friends providing each other with a steady supply of benefits (fuck-buddies, if you will)? What if you're in a new, fresh relationship, comfy but not totally confident? And how do you keep the same holiday interesting year after year with the same person?
Chances are a simply blow jay isn’t going to suffice when you're married. If you're only FWB, a 5-course gourmet meal is probably crossing the line.
And at what point does buying sexy lingerie stop counting as a gift to your partner and start counting only as a personal indulgence?
And when sending sexy photos, which is most appropriate to your situation: shoddy cell phone shots, printed images that have been edited in iPhoto (converting to B&W works wonders, trust me), or professionally taken erotic photographs?
So I made a chart. It very well may have to be altered to accommodate your personal situation, but I think I set some pretty righteous guidelines.
Let me know: what did you get your special friend for Valentine’s Day this year?
A Guide To Divining The Right Valentine's Present
What's your pleasure? Got a problem? Write to Avoine at AvoineSauvage@CrabbyGolightly.com
February 13, 2010
WHERE IS THE LOVE
Frenemies Feast On Drama At O.C Housewives' Dinner Party
TAMRA BELIEVES THAT SIMON DOESN'T REALLY THINK SHE LOVES HIM so she's getting his name tattooed on her finger. She freaked the fuck out when her son Ryan got a tattoo and NOW realizes she's a bit hypocritical. It looks like it really hurts.
That's bullshit stupid. I don't know what it really proves. She thinks it proves they'll be together forever. I think it's the kiss of death.
Lynne blames the wine for her drunken outburst at Alexis's party when calls her to apologize. She says afterward everyone made up and everything is fine. She invites Alexis to her housewarming which she accepts.
Gretchen seeks advice from Vicki and goes to her office. She tells Vicki she admires her and needs her help. Vicki preens.
Read O.C.'s Real Housewife Lynne Gets Mommy Blues here.
Read Without A Hint Of Irony, O.C.'s Real Housewives Throw Plastics Party here.
She shows her samples from her make-up line and Vicki seems disinterested. She tells Gretchen she has a lot of competition in that market and thinks she’s in for a letdown and a financial loss. Then she gets all up into Gretchen’s business by asking if she got money when Jeff died, does Slade help her out, does Slade even work?
Gretchen's not amused. Vicki says rumor has it Gretchen was paying Slade to "manage" her but thinks she should get a real manager. She thinks Slade is a money-grubbing gold digging slacker who looks at Gretchen as a pot o' gold. Or as Lynne says, a poseur. I agree.
Alexis and Jim escape for a weekend to Desert Springs, Cali. Since she just brought one swimsuit he says he’ll buy another. She squeals. He calls the pink flamingoes swans and wonder how much they cost. They reminisce about meeting there as they walk to their $2,500 suite. This is the second marriage for both and they promise to stay in love til they die and all that. It’s very romantic.
“Gretchen shops for props for her booth at a Women’s Empowerment Expo where she’ll debut her line. It promises to be real girly and glamourous white/pink/black. Although Vicki told her to not put out money she’s not sure she’s going to get back, she’s using her savings for this venture.
Tamra now feels sorry for them, pities them really, for their sad lonely lives.
”
Tamra and Simon join some friends in a motorcycle ride. Simon complains that Tamra was greatly influenced by Vicki and he didn’t like it at all. She surprises him with the finger tattoo, to prove her eternal love, and he seems really shocked and touched and almost speechless. Then why the divorce? I don’t see where Tamra had time to hang out with another man. And things do seem to be getting better with them.
Lynne stresses to make everything perfect for her housewarming party. Tamra and Simon are the first to arrive. After toasts, Simon promises to be nice to anyone who comes that he may not like (Vicki). The four talk about how nice they are and how they love each other. Whaaa? Ok. I don’t do that with my friends but whatever.
Simon continues to trash talk Vicki. He thinks she still treats Don like shit and he doesn’t want Tamra to think she can treat him like that. He says Vicki is unhappy.
Gretchen and Slade arrive next. From the roof top Simon sees Vicki and Don coming. He waves and Vicki sees him but chooses to ignore him. I’m sure that makes him happy. Everybody is going to take the high road tonight and be adults. We’ll see. Let the drinking begin...
Party small talk. Frank talks about loving his new downsized life (since he has no choice), Vicki talks about her work ethic, Jim wants to cut his nut.
Vicki’s getting bored because Tamra and Lynne ask her to exercise knowing that would cut into her work time. Tamra tries to ease the tension between Simon and Vicki to no avail. Simon accuses Vicki of interfering in his wholesome healthy marriage. She says Tamra doesn’t say everything, that their marriage is dysfunctional and she knows it. She thinks Simon doesn’t care for her because he knows she knows too much. Don stays out of the way.
Simon and Vicki start arguing, he stomps off and complains that Vicki is jealous of his wonderful hanging-on-a-thread marriage. Tamra’s right when she says she doesn’t expect Vicki to throw everything she’s told her about Simon in Simon’s face. Oh, it gets intense. Where's did all the love go?
Lynne wonders where all the drama came from and tries to get the party started right. It doesn’t work.
Outside, Simon rails against Vicki, says she's a piece of shit, a bad friend and jealous of their happiness. He says this so angrily it’s hard to believe he’s not trying to convince himself how wonderful his marriage was/is. Tamra makes a complete 360 to stand by her man and then she begins to trash Vicki. Simon says she has to choose and she chooses him.
Tamra talks trash about Vicki to Gretchen and Gretchen is relived to know she’s not involved in the madness this time.
They all sit down to dinner and somehow Vicki and Simon end up seated next to each other. How the hell did that happen. So awkward.
The group begins to tell stories of how they met. Short and sweet, they break the tension. Then Alexis begins her story and has no conception of how long and boring it’s become until Vicki and Don both throw their heads down and begin to fake snore. It's hilarious and everyone laughs.
But, of course, Alexis doesn’t GET their humor and is highly insulted. Lynne thinks Vicki may have been really tired because she works so hard. Really. For Real. She said that.
There's debate about why Don wasn't insulted when he wasn’t asked to go to Italy with Vicki, his daughter and her mom. It was another kinda girls trip. They don't seem to get it though Don says he doesn’t care. And anyway he had to work. Then everyone thinks Vicki and Don keep insinuating that they don’t go to work. The pack has completely turned on them both. But did you know that Vicki and Don don’t care a rat’s ass about Simon’s marriage or any of these people. So Vicki and Don say goodnight, as Jim yells “don’t work to hard.” They’re trashed as soon as the door hits their butts. Tamra now feels sorry for them, pities them really, for their sad lonely lives. But really, she has no idea where her marriage is going and is, I think, as envious of Vicki’s life as she is of Gretchen’s.
And Alexis, that girl is fucking crazy. Still feeling the sting of the snore she says “Sorry Vicki, I’m telling my story now and the spotlight’s not on you,” as she makes these really aggressive air quotes. She makes me wonder about her background. As much as she likes to hold her nose up in the air now I think girlfriend had to be a real scrubber growing up.
Vicki's now upset and near tears in the car on the way home. Don tries to tell her that they don’t give a rat’s ass and all but she’s just done with this bullshit.
The next morning a process server delivers an eviction notice to Lynne and Frank’s house.
SexyChattyCatty is a regular contributor at CrabbyGolightly.com where she writes on TV, America's favorite snack food.
February 12, 2010
ALTER EGOS
Twins Separated At Birth? John Mayer Is Male Equivalent of Megan Fox
I'M READING THE MUCH BALLYHOOED PLAYBOY INTERVIEW WITH SELF-PROFESSED "douche-bag" John Mayer when I have an "a ha moment". And no I'm not goosing myself while reading how John jerks off as the filmtracks of his past loves play over and over in his mind.
I'm talking about an eureka instant when insight strikes: this charm John Mayer is the male version of loose lips Megan Fox.
Aren't these faux sophisticates just opposite sides of the same coin? Hot conquests who hated school, suffer from Tourette's and insipidly blather on about whatever wisp of a thought that flits through their minds.
John, for instance, happily prattles on about seeing 300 cunts before even hopping out of bed, while Megan brags how she's a total slob, pinches loafs and doesn't flush.
Could this be a match in turd’s heaven? I think so.
And don't these two just love their sexxxy talk? Here's John describing how f**king ex Jessica Simspon was like taking crack cocaine: ”Sexually it was crazy,’’ he tells Playboy in an unguarded interview. “Did you ever say, ‘I want to quit my life and just fuckin’ snort you? If you charged me $10,000 to fuck you, I would start selling all my shit just to keep fucking you.'”
Damn that boy had it bad. Which is a bit reminiscent of Megan lusting over a girl: “Olivia Wilde is so sexy she makes me want to strangle a mountain ox with my bare hands,’’ she once said. “She's mesmerizing.”
Then there’s self-confessed bisexual experimentation, with John deep-tonguing Perez Hilton and joking about rimming TMZ’s Harvey Levin, while Megan exclaims there’s “no question in my mind about being bisexual.”
And while Megan says she’s “suspicious of boys-slash-men. I just don't like them or trust them," –- John says he’s an “old soul” who still hankers for boyish things. “I want to dance. I want to get on an airplane and be like a ninja. I want to be an explorer. I want to be like The Bourne Identity. I don't want to pet dogs in the kitchen.”
Read John's interview and Megan's most infamous quotes and it’s clear these two are meant for each other: both are über cocky, dismissive of schooling, and preoccupied with their own places in the world.
Sounds like destiny to me.
February 11, 2010
YOU GOT TO BRING IT
Sweet Gherkins! Slap Me With A Cutlet! A RuPaul's Drag Race Recap
THIS WEEK ON THE RACE WE WORK IN PAIRS making over six elegantly dressed Ru paul dolls into what Ru calls "girls that work hard for the money." Hmmm.
Since the girls' comprise an an uneven number, Ms. Mystique gets to work alone. It's amazing how, in a matter of minutes, they transform the dolls from class into trash. Most of the outfits have the asses exposed. The winners are Pandora and Sahara who called their transformation, "Shafreeforall."
For the main challenge Ru references her star turn in a vehicle named Starrbooty, which I confess has gotten by me. I found this description at Spike.com: "Supermodel goes undercover as a hooker to rescue her niece from an evil body parts broker." The trailer is a hoot and I recommend it highly. So my guess is that the chicks will be undercover hookers.
But no, they’ll just have to dance for tips and shill for Cherry Pie.
This challenge will also employ teams but the dolls will also be judged individually.
Pandora and Sahara, as winner of the first challenge, get to captain and pick their teams. Pandora chooses Morgan, Sonique, Raven, Tatianna and Nicole while Sahara gets Jessica, Jujubee, Tyra and Mystique.
Mystique, with a roll of her eyes, notes that Pandora picked all the tall skinny bitches. Nicole, as she’s a tall skinny bitch, is surprised that she's picked last, especially after Mystique, whaa.
But Raven says matter-of-factly that Nicole was picked last cause "she's not sexy and this is a sexy challenge." Humph, there.
A cart full of fabric is brought out, by those same two bare-chested hunky hunks from last week, so they can design their costumes. The challenge begins and mad fabric grabbing ensues, then the bickering starts --Sshould we all be in the same color or just match? among other complaints. I suppose bitching's in all drag queens' DNA.
To help them prepare they get a pole-dancing demonstration. They watch -- Tattiana in horror -- as a performer drops it like it's hot and does booty clapping in addition to other tricks of the pole.
Mystique volunteers to be first up cause if you didn't know it, she's a "flexible bitch." She does a passable job.
The others take their turns on the pole but Tyra pouts. This diva feels that pole dancing is kinda whorish and beneath her. But this show isn't. Hmmmm, again.
“Team Pandora gathers around the pole to decide on their routine. They do nothing but bicker about where everyone should stand for about 5 minutes.Jessica Wild goes buck wild in her solo and looks deranged; Mystique does her show stopping split which causes Ru’s jaw to drop.
”
On Team Sahara, Tyra doesn’t want to rehearse in heels. She dourly watches the other women, insisting that the way she learns is by watching others with her arms folded and a big ol' puss on her face. There's a fabric dispute between the teams and ding ding ding, Mystique breaks out the classic reality show line -- that they’re not there to be friends.
Ru makes her rounds questioning the girls. She asks Sahara if she's concerned that Tyra is asleep on the couch. Well, yes she is. Ru wakes Tyra up and lets her know that they just won't be judged as a team but also as individuals and she needs to get her ass in gear.
Then it's road trip time -- Ru’s taking them to the DragonFly, a club in Hollywood where they’ll perform for a room full of men, honey. O, and the judges. That seems to excite the queens.
We also learn that this week's guest judges are actress Kim Coles and burlesque queen Dita Von Tese. The team that makes the most money in tips and sells the most $5 Cherry Pie gift certificates is winner. One team will perform on stage while the other hustles on the streets.
Team Pandora is first on stage. They're pretty sexxxy and the guys seem to enjoy themselves throwing dollar bills at the bitches. Sonique, especially, turns it out.
,br> It’s raining money but Raven says it's only enough to buy something at Sizzlers. Dita looks amused but a bit embarrassed by the entire thing. They have some success outside but are sometimes rude to passersby.
Team Sahara makes fools of themselves outside, hollering and hanging on light poles. Mystique says she looks like a $2 dollar whore and her grandma would kill her. They're rude, crude, and do seem whorish.
A lot less sparkly than the others, Team Sahara’s performance on the small stage is pretty much the same, lots of jiggling and wiggling. Jessica Wild goes buck wild in her solo and looks deranged; Mystique does her show stopping split which causes Ru’s jaw to drop.
Elimination day. Nicole is missing a picture of somebody she had hanging at her station. We found out this week that she is also the father of a young son. She hopes he'll be proud of her one day when she’s the world’s greatest drag queen. Good luck with that.
Ru looks fab on the runway as usual and introduces the judges again. Guests Kim and Dita say they enjoyed the burlesque show yesterday. Ru says the queens were asked to dress high class tonight. Ha, high class after they showed much ass yesterday. Dress will be open to interpretation.
Sonique looks good in a black corset dress. Jessica, she’s a sparkling confection but is not really attractive; her face is too boy and the judges say that she looks like a toilet paper cozy.
Raven is simplicity itself with a long, elegant, black dress with matching long, elegant, straight, black hair. Sahara looks great in a blueish-purply Mackie-like dress.
Pandora to me is meh, but the judges deem her very L.A. Jujubee feels like the late Eartha Kitt. Dita says Nicole looks like Courtney Cox. Let’s hope Courtney doesn't sue her for slander.
Mystique looked...big, and Ru says she could eat Beyonce in one swallow. Morgan decides to break from the back and dress secretarial. Tyra gets an "Oh, my sweet gherkins," from Ru when she appears looking all Dynasty and sporting a nappy pompadour. And Tatianna, in hot burgandy, judges her own outfit Rihanna going to prom.
Sahara Davenport’s team wins and she's also the overall winner of the challenge. She’ll get immunity from elimination next week and a $1,500 gift certificate from SequinQueen.com, whose motto is “Sparkle Anytime!”
Pandora’s losers are then critiqued. Dita says she wouldn’t leave her man alone with Raven. Raven thinks it’s because she’ll “WORK IT with two snaps” and get him, but I think Dita thinks she would eat him.
Everyone is asked who they would send home and everyone names one person, but Nicole says send all these bitches home. The girls are told to retire to the lounge for cocktails while the judges... judge. Ru says Nicole brought in the least amount and Raven was second to last. Merle says Pandora doesn't give great ass but she gives great sass.
Kim says she changed her mind about Raven after chatting with her and loving her humor.
The losing team returns to the panel. One by one the ladies are judged safe until the only two left on stage are Raven and Nicole. They look really similar in their long black dresses and black hair. They must lipsync to En Vogue’s My Loving (Never Gonna Get It), one of my favorite songs. The two pretty much stand in place and gesture, until the Never Gonna Get It chorus when Raven sashays back down the runway to the other contestants.
She points at each one while singing the chorus, I get chills and the judges love it. She ends the song by patting her face with one of her chicken cutlets. Scandalous!
Of course, she gets to sashay and stay while Nicole gets to go back to the ATL. Ain’t no half stepping in the drag race. You got to bring it!
SexyChattyCatty is a regular contributor at CrabbyGolightly.com where she writes on TV, America's favorite snack food.
February 10, 2010
AS TIME GOES BY
What's It All About, KoKo?
KOKO THE KITTY CONTEMPLATES THE STILLNESS OUTSIDE HER Washington, D.C. apartment.
The city has been buried beneath two massive snowstorms that have fallen in five days, grinding government and business to a halt.
Oh, who cares when you can peer out a window into such a winter wonderland?
It's so pretty that I want to live in this house on this street with this cat.
Via Jezebel.
FOREVER YOUNG AT HEART
Facebookers Cooking Up Campaign For Betty White To Host SNL
I LOVE BETTY WHITE AND HAVE FOR A LONG, LONG TIME. My favorite of her characters was Sue Ann Nivens on the Mary Tyler Moore, show but she can do anything.
She's just turned 88 years old and is still a trouper as you could see from her recent Super Bowl ad.
Now there's a Facebook movement to get Saturday Night Live to have her host.
I think that’s a fucking fantastic idea. Agree? Then go to the page to sign the petition drafting Betty for the show. Saturday Nigh Live has become Saturday Night Lame except for Alec Baldwin appearances and an occasional Weekend Update. I bet Betty could put a spark into it.
SexyChattyCatty is a regular contributor at CrabbyGolightly.com where she writes on TV, America's favorite snack food.
SHE'S GOT THE BEAT
Ellen On American Idol: Delivering The Fine Line Between Cruel And Kind
IT'S HOLLYWOOD WEEK ON AMERICAN IDOL. All the "I'm going to Hollywood!" kids finally get their chance to prove themselves again and win over the new judge singer/songwriter Ellen DeGeneres.
Wait, I mean, comedian/talk show host Ellen DeGeneres. (And no, dancing around in an American Express commercial doesn't give you a musical background.)
DeGeneres admits that she doesn't have a resume filled with music experience but she knows what it's like to stand on stage and to go all out in front of an audience.
As the final auditions begin, Randy remains chillaxed, Kara's the same open and honest person, Simon's his usual brute.
The newly seated Ellen delivers wit, humor and niceties to the table. Even when she's cruel she's kind.
"You frighten me,'' she told contestantSkiiboski, who paced the stage.
"You were like a leopard behind a cage," then quipped, "Sexy and scary -- it's a fine line."
When another singer disappointed, the worst word she could muster was…"dull."
For the final cut, performers are asked to step forward and either the back or front row gets the cut. Ellen played a game of "step forward, step back, step to the side" before telling a group that they all made the cut.
DeGeneres offers a refreshingly clear-eyed flair to the panel. It's also great to see Simon not get frustrated by opaque comments. Not once did he snap, "I don't know what you just said."
Ellen may not have the heart to tell someone they are so awful they made her want to vomit, but she brings reasonable criticism and all around laughs.
Once the final 12 guys and gals are chosen for the official 9th season, DeGeneres will have to step up her criticism and still balance out the jokes. I'm betting she delivers.
Nicki R. is a Southern girl living in the big city of Chicago. She loves quiet evenings a home watching horror films with her dogs Jezebelle and Zombie. Check out her blog, Hey, Look Behind You!
DOCUMENTED
An Original La Dolce Vita Paparazzo Passes
THE WALL STREET JOURNAL has an obit tucked inside today's pages on Felice Quinto, 80, interloper to the stars.
Quinto, who died in January, was a paparazzo before the word was even coined by director Federico Fellini in the 1960 film La Dolce Vita.
Born in Italy, Quinto sped through Rome's streets via moped during the 50s snapping pics of European jetsetters and royalty. Once he so angered celebrity Anita Ekberg by following her home that she shot him with an arrow.
An unharmed Quinto sold the photo that appeared in newspapers around the globe.
Quinto later emigrated to the U.S. to marry but continued earning a living through his lens working for the Associated Press, where he documented John F. Kennedy’s funeral, civil rights marches, and a dead Pope Paul VI.
He also recorded the nightlife of New York’s renowned Studio 54 during its 70s heyday, capturing on film Bianca Jagger and her ilk playing in the night.
“Quinto turned us into this media phenomenon,” the club’s cofounder Ian Schrager told the Journal.
In an interview once, Quinto said that he would ask permission before taking celebrities’ photos, and would keep a distance of 10 feet.
"These guys now,’’ he said, “are like vultures."
February 09, 2010
PART TWO OF THREE
O.C.'s Real Housewife Lynne Gets Mommy Blues
GRETCHEN TAKES MOTORCYCLE LESSONS AND GIVES A "FUCK YOU" TO ANYONE (Tamra) who thought she'd never get on the Harley that Jeff bought her before he died. Tamra was supposed to get a pink bike but never did. She rides behind Simon.
Tamra thinks her kids feel the tension between her and Simon. She still hopes to work it out and doesn’t think divorce is the answer. But we know better since Simon has already filed the papers.
Lynne takes Alexa shopping and they argue about the Youthologist. Alexa asks aloud why someone else had to be called in for discipline and Lynne says they needed help. The talk disintegrates into Alexa calling her mom a bitch, telling her to kiss her ass and walking off. Not good. Lynne plays the victim instead of really reading her the riot act.
She should have raised her voice and embarrassed the hell out of that girl. But she sits and pouts. Having raised a teenager it’s all so familiar to me. It’s a really hard time for most parents and I can empathize with Lynne, but damn. Grow a pair.
Alexis goes into full peacemaker mode and plots a cooking party to try to get Tamra and Gretchen back together. Jim approves and tells her how to do it -- in a joking way say “are you guys good now.” She says he’s the most wonderful person to get advice from cause you know, it's Jim, her man. Of course Vicki won’t come because she works. She’s the only one who really works and that party is at 1:30 in the afternoon. 'Nuff said. She doesn’t have time for the bullshit.
The Barneys clean out their garage in preparation for their short sale. Bad Boy Ryan comes over and shows them his new business cards. He’s growing up. The family reunion makes Tamra say that her family seems to be going ok. Oh no.
Vicki and Don have their first of many date nights. Don gives Vicki another ring. Come on now. We know you guys have it like that (cause Vicki really works), and you’re renewing your love and all, but passing this much ice back and forth is getting a bit ridiculous. You must be getting the reality tv star discount.
We find out that Gretchen, who wasn't left millions of dollars as we all thought, who claims to being left with nothing -- is going to start a make-up line. Since her devotion to Jeff derailed her real estate career, she has to make money somehow. Thank God she realizes it would be real stupid to mix Slade with her business. Just get him out of your life now. The line is called Gretchen Christine Beauté.
Vicki doesn’t understand exercising 4 hours a day or getting up at noon. She works really hard, did you know that? Oh, you already did.
Anyway, to make sure the young people in her house keep the standard of living to which they are accustomed, she gives them a financial seminar. Smart, but another boring waste of time for us. Can’t believe I'm longing for Alexis and the shit starting that comes with her.
Lynne visits her gorgeous mom for advice. Mom's surprised to see her, even though the cameramen should have given her a clue. The talk is what you’d expect -- things will work out. Waste of time. Another is watching Jim and Alexis’ son get a haircut, but I love his adorable little face.
The cooking party arrives. Yum. Tamra looks a bit stricken when she realizes that Gretchen will be there but they kiss each other anyway. Lynne completes the group.
They put on chefs' hats and start puttering around with the chef, cracking jokes, worrying about Lynne having a knife. Since they’re having so much fun Alexis doesn’t know why Tamra and Gretchen can’t be real friends. None of the ladies notice, until too late, that Lynne is getting really drunk.
They sit at the table to eat and Alexis spouts the exact line Jim told her too: “So, girls, are we good.” They both kinda say no. Gretchen makes the mistake of asking Lynne how her girls are. Then they get into how Lynne feelings were hurt when Gretchen just wanted to give Alexa an ear. The talk gets harsher and Lynne grabs her head. Tamra smiles on the sidelines thinking, “Better than me, bitch.” Then Lynne goes off in a drunken tangent on how that talk may have been the demise of her and Gretchen’s friendship. She goes into how Gretchen’s not a good role model and won'tt know what the fuck she’s talking about until she has kids. Things get tense as Lynne again throws out Gretchen’s Internet indiscretions. And Alexis thought if there was any disagreement it would be between Tamra and Gretchen, ha. Doesn’t take much for any of these ladies to go the fuck off.
Lynne starts drunken crying about how hard it is to watch your sweet babies grow up to be back-talking bitches.
Tamra, who’s had her own teenage and young adult battles, says that Lynne needs to get with the discipline now or it’s just going to get worse. Gretchen says she lives in a fantasy world.
SexyChattyCatty is a regular contributor at CrabbyGolightly.com where she writes on TV, America's favorite snack food.
SERVING UP DISH
Without A Hint Of Irony, O.C.'s Real Housewives Throw Plastics Party
THINGS HAVE BEEN TENSE IN THE O.C. Let's catch up.
Lynne's totally blown away that deadbeat dad Slade Slimey questions her parenting. But let's face it, her parenting is questionable. Anyway, she haughtily calls him a "poseur." Hee hee. Both Frank and Lynne know they're too soft on their kids but they're too laid-back or lazy to deal with it. They've waited way too long to begin to discipline their children and now they're clueless. Both girls continue to give them their asses to kiss.
Alexis gets Tamra's side of the Tamra-Gretchen feud, the mean website she won't take down, the mistrust. Both women are willing to play nice in public but will never, never declare themselves friends. Slowly, slowly Alexis plays more of a role in both Tamra and Gretchen's lives. And therefore, my life.
Gretchen throws a 50's style Tupperware party which Alexis attends with hubby Jim.
About six men show up including Lynne's husband Frank and Slade Slimey. The heavily made-up Hispanic drag queen hostess is a riot. Alexis begs Jim to come sit near her and he says he’s not a Tupperware kinda guy. Then Why. Is. He. Here?
Next thing you know, Alexis starts a fight with a woman over Jim: “That’s my husband. He’s married, okay?”
Whaaaa? Lynne’s eyes get all big when she hears what’s going on. And so do mine.
Alexis goes on and on, moving her head back and forth like a real gangster, about how the woman was leaning into Jim and you know, so just back off, bitch. She doesn’t call her a bitch but she might as well have. The other woman pleads innocence, she just wants to have a drink with her friends and check out some Tupperware, yo.
At one point I think the other woman, Mel, asks her to step outside. Alexis hears that too. But the two just move to another part of the house.
How old are these women? What the fuck is going on here? This is an upper middle class suburban party turning into a ghetto mess. But it's fun to watch as Alexis says you should not be leaning on another woman’s man, she’s not trying to start a fight, but, you know.
Slade finally parts the two. Jim takes Alexis outside. Gretchen says Mel was not trying to flirt with her man. Jim tells Alexis to knock it off, she says she’s just trying to protect him, be his bodyguard and moves her arms around like the gangster she’s proving to be, but Jim says that's it.
Vicki continues to toot her own horn, boasting that her home is not in short sale (a la Tamra) and she doesn’t have to downsize (as does Jeanna).
She's on top of the world and loves her life, but she works hard for it. She wants to be a nicer person and I guess that began with renewing her love with Don and their recent, frequent exchange of rings. Nothing says love like carats and carats of diamonds.
Gretchen invites Alexis and Jim to the races with her and Slade. Both woman wear the traditional big colorful hats and sleeveless dresses. Talk turns to the Tupperware incident. Alexis was still hot about it. It seems Jim told her that he had to tell friend Mel that he was married with kids. I wonder if that’s even true now. He didn’t say that at the party. I think he loves that jealous bullshit. Gretchen has a better time than when she did this last year. That’s when Tamra and Vicki spent time indoors talking about her the entire time. As Grechen relates events from her past incidents with Tamra, we see the beginnings of peacemaker Alexis. She says neither’s all right nor all wrong. She and Jim go by how people treat them, not who’s friends with whom.
Lynne goes on, this time to Tamra, about how Gretchen thinks she knows something about parenting but she’s no role model, what with her wagging the vajajay all over the Internets. But her daughter Alexis goes out when she’s been grounded, curses at her mom and acts like a petulant spoiled party girl. So the parents call in a Youthologist. That is a new one on me. Someone to bridge the gap between their oldfogeydom and their daughters youth, I guess. They think it helped with their older daughter.
But Alexia is late for the appointment, then has a hissy fit. The girls want the discipline but they can’t do it to themselves, and they even know their parents have waited too long. So, so sad.
To be continued.
SexyChattyCatty is a regular contributor at CrabbyGolightly.com where she writes on TV, America's favorite snack food.
February 08, 2010
ON TRIAL
Criminal Trial Our Best Chance For Separating Michael Jackson Fact From Fiction
THE CLOSEST THE PUBLIC WILL EVER GET TO THE TRUTH about Michael Jackson's mental and physical state will come during the criminal trial of Dr. Conrad Murray on manslaughter charges.
For this reason, I'm looking forward to the testimony of Murray, Jackson family members, nanny Grace Rharamba, and any and all other players in the Michael Jackson death drama.
Media are already lining up outside the Los Angeles county courthouse awaiting Murray's "perp walk" as he is expected to arrive in court today to be formally charged with involuntary manslaughter.
Undercover police reportedly will be in the crowd to protect Murray from any crazed Jackson fan who might try to attack Murray.
Murray, a cardiologist who served as the pop icon’s personal physician during the months leading up to his death -- is expected to plead not guilty. Murray is accused of administering drugs intravenously to Jackson to treat him for insomnia. The Los Angeles coroner has ruled that that Jackson died from an overdose of the anesthetic propofol.
Jackson family members have waged a strenuous public campaign to have Murray charged with murder.
If this case makes it to trial, it will provide a rare peek behind the pampered pop star’s persona -- and our best change at separating Michael Jackson fact from fiction.
WORK IT
Snip & Tuck: RuPaul's Drag Race Returns
SHE'S BAAAAACCCCK!
If you missed last year's debut of RuPaul's Drag Race it's time to fasten your seat belt and come on along for the ride of your life.
I love drag queens (and kings) in all their awesomeness and awfulness, and this new group of contestants share these qualities in equal measure.
We watch as they enter their workroom. Our first two contestants, Nicole Paige Brooks and Shangela, fancy themselves Southern belles. Then short-haired Raven, the name she uses when she's in tits and tights, comes in looking kinda hard. Jujubee is the token Asian. Sahara Davenport enters to the screams of Shangela and it turns out they went to college together.
When Morgan McMichaels come in, Raven runs to her and says they started drag together so she knows somebody too.
Mystique is repping for the big girls and hating on the skinny bitches. Jessica Wild, from Puerto Rico, looks likes she’s in costume and has an accent but she’s no Nina Flowers, loca. Next in is Sonique, who was sent to military school and came out a drag queen. Tatianna, at 21, is the baby of the group and first did drag at 14. Pandora Boxx says she is a combination of Madonna, Goldie Hawn and Kathy Griffin, who she somewhat resembles. Tyra Sanchez arrives looking like a star, on point with her Rihanna hair and full makeup.
They all light up when RuPaul, the legend, enters to greet them. Chosen for their nerve and courage, the winner's reward is a lifetime supply of Nyx cosmetics and will become the face of the product, land a PR contract advertising LA eyeworks, $25,000 and a stint with Logo’s Drag Race Tour sponsored by Absolut vodka.
Mike Ruis, a familiar and welcome face from America’s Next Top Model, is the photographer for their first photo shoot. I wish he could be on every episode, I just like looking at him. Each queen has to pose with two hunka hunka oiled and barechested men while sitting on a cannon. O, did I mention that the theme for this show was the Civil War? I wonder if they had drag queens back then. Anyway, they use a fan for this shoot and it must be a real big’un. Their huge wigs start blowing around obscuring their faces, the cow-like eyelashes start flapping and I lose my shit. Morgan McMichaels actually loses her wig and someone says she’s never been blown like that. You know, if you love innuendo, sexual or otherwise, this is your show.
A nice treat is that the Absolut commercials feature queens from last year’s show. Winner Bebe Zahara Benet, sweet little Ongina and beautiful bitch Shannel tell their drag stories to a handsome bartender. Where’s Nina Flowers? I hope too busy doing something else just as fabulous.
Raven’s announced the winner of this first photo shoot. Of course, now she thinks she’s Queen of the Hill. We’ll see about that.
Since a most famous scenes from Gone With The Wind is Vivian Leigh making a dress from drapes, o course their next challenge is for each girl to pick curtains, along with some used home furnishings, ha, and create an ensemble. Raven gets first choice since she won the photo challenge. When the rest get their turn to choose, as someone noted, there were no ladies, only men grabbing curtains. Ha!
Shangela wants to team up with Pandora because she can’t sew... How annoying. It's like somebody wanting to copy your homework. Miss "no sew" Shangela also went and quit her job to do this show! As she’s only been doing drag for about 5 months she’s in for a hard time with these experienced queens.
RuPaul plays Tim Gunn and goes around giving advice and shoring up the ladies for the catwalk. Mystique complains about her dress-form being too small for her to create a fab size 22 dress. Ru tells her to pad it but she doesn’t want to spend the time. She’ll regret that. Ru then tell them that the surprise guest judge this week is Kathy Griffin and Pandora, the Griffin look-a-like, does a half swoons.
It’s time for Ru’s Cover Girl walk on the runway and the introduction of the judges: best-selling author and Launch My Line runner-up Merle Ginsberg, Project Runway designer Santino Rice, photog Mike Ruis and Kathy Griffin. The contestants come out in some amazing creations in true drag queen fashion. That's when I noticed how much Sahara looks eerily like Sheree from the Atlanta Housewives show. Hahahaha, Sheree thinks she’s so beautiful when what she has is the drag look.
Everyone is taken aback when Mystique, who knows her outfit is horrible, drops a split on the judges, with her 290 pound ass. She was seriously trying to win, I was scared. Ru praises them all, then calls out Jujubee, Tatiana, Raven, Sonique, Jessica and Nicole. None were winners but all are safe and asked to step up their game.
The rest are critiqued on their photo shoots and runway outfits. Tyra is told she doesn’t have much personality or facial expression. Shangela’s outfit has no bustline and doesn’t give good face. Morgan is judged fierce and Cher-like; Kathy says looking at Pandora is like looking in a mirror. And Mystique’s dress is raggedy and can't contain her breasts. Sahara/Sheree’s outfit is judged not draggy enough. Then they are asked to "untuck" in the Interior Illusions Lounge while the judges debate.
When they return to the runway, Morgan is judged the winner, while Tyra, Mystique and Pandora are safe. So it’s college friends Shangela and Sahara Davenport left to lipsinc for their lives. They perform to Ru’s catchy Cover Girl And they "work it" -- throwing their skirts off, kicking their legs to the sky, doing a little ballet, some splits and both do what I call the Leiomy fall.” Sahara wins but it’s bittersweet since she’s sending her friend, Shangela sashaying away.
The cherry on top of this confection is an additional half-hour show named Untucked. As Ru says it's for all the twigs and berries they couldn't fit on the show. It's basically a backstage bitchfest similar to Project Runway’s "Models of the Runway" show. Of course alcohol is available to goose the conversation.
They talk about anyone who isn’t in the room. How Mystique was complaining instead of creating a fierce outfit and using her size as an excuse; who has natural lips; who’s the hottest guy. We learn how and when they tuck. Mystique promises to kick Morgan’s ass, the usual. This show is so wacky, it’s tacky and I love it to death. Join me.
SexyChattyCatty is a regular contributor at CrabbyGolightly.com where she writes on TV, America's favorite snack food.
SEX IS HIS BUSINESS
Declining The Call To The World's Oldest Profession
I RECENTLY DROVE THE 36 HOURS FROM CHICAGO TO CALIFORNIA.
I made several stops along the way, the last in Reno, Nevada.
Reno, the Biggest Little City in the World.
I booked my hotel from the road. The man on the other end of the line told me that it was "just off" the main drag. I contemplated staying in a smaller outlying town, but decided "oh, what the hell," and went for it. It was only like $50 a night. And it was a Friday.
I have never been to Vegas -- or Reno -- nor have I ever had the desire to do so. Too artificial, too contrived, too fluorescent. But since I was there, I was gonna do it right.
I checked into my room at the Sands Regency Hotel and Casino and showered. I accidentally left my hair straightener in the car, a mild irritant until I realized that everyone in the casino beneath me had the scarecrow-like hair of a crystal meth addict.
I put on some makeup and left.
The $4.99 prime rib (or whatever) at my hotel restaurant isn't my thing, so I ventured onto the strip. I choked down some sub-par maki and swigged an overpriced bourbon on the rocks at Harrah's, played a few penny slots, then left feeling robbed and alone.
I wandered off the strip and back to my hotel, which -- as one of the poker dealers at Harrah's told me – is in "the fuckin' ghetto."
"Yeah, but it's like three blocks away," I protested.
"Don’t matter,” he replied. I rolled my eyes.
In the parking lot, I grabbed a couple handfuls of the quarters I'd won at a gas station slot machine earlier in the day and tossed them into my handbag. After being hassled by a much older man who said he was from Chicago and that I was "gorgeous," I stalked up to the bar and ordered a gin and tonic. ($1. Maybe Reno wasn’t so bad after all.)
I bought a pack of cigarettes, and I don’t even smoke. Somehow I just had to have the same dry cough and clichéd beverage and nasty snarl of my casino compatriots. Unfortunately, I'm not pregnant so my effort to blend in was rendered more difficult.
Men leered at me as I walked through the casino, their gaze indicating both carnal attraction and sheer befuddlement at my presence. It was so "whassa-girl-like-you-doin'-inna-place-like-this?" I wanted to barf.
I played a few more penny slots and won a bit of money. Even though the machines were coated with ash and littered with butts, I used the ashtrays, sipping my drink gingerly. I started playing blackjack, and I love playing blackjack. And I think that I'm good at playing blackjack, a notion that is utterly false. I lost all the money I had won, which was about $10.
It was only about 11 pm, but I decided to head back up to my room for a good night's sleep. I had the final jaunt of my drive the next day.
“I envisioned snorting fat lines of coke off of my pimp friend's dick. Then I saw my body lying in a blood-filled bathtub, organs harvested from within my torso and sold on the black market.
”
"Got a light?” I heard next to me as I was headed toward the elevator.
"Yeah, sure," I said, rummaging through my purse for the box of matches I'd pocketed in Fort Collins, Colo.
"Thanks," said the man. He was young -- 23 -- and cute. Not fuckable, and a little bit intimidating, but cute.
"Mind if I have one with you?" I asked, lowering onto the stool next to him. It had been 48 hours since I'd had any human engagement, excluding the bartender at Harrah's.
“I’d love it,” he said.
He pulled out a pack of Newports and I lit one for him, a signature move of my younger days. I was lonely, my hair was frazzled, and I wanted validation.
He asked me what I was doing in Reno, and I decided to fuck with him a little bit. I told him I was on a cross-country road trip (true) after graduating college (true), trying to escape two torrid love affairs gone array (oh shit, also true). When I elaborated about the TLA’s, he told me that I was -- quote -- "making his dick hard."
"So what about you?" I asked. "What are you doing in Reno?"
"Networking," he replied dryly. I assumed he was a drug dealer; he was young, tough, and dressed in expensive clothes (think Coogi expensive, not Banana Republic expensive).
"Networking, huh? Networking what?"
"My girls…"
A moment of silence.
"Oh!" I replied. "So you’re a pimp!"
"Nah…” he shook his head, squinting. "I like to think of myself as more of a manager."
And just like that, he snapped into business mode, pulling two pieces of lined paper with writing on them. "This one," he explained, "is a list of all the websites I network on."
"Oh, Craiglist, right…" I said, combing the page.
"Girl, Craigslist is just the beginning. And this page, this is all of the pricing information." I swiped that page from him and began reading. Nothing was cheaper than $50 (for, like, a HJ), and the prices went up into the 4-digits.
"What’s Greek?" I asked.
"I thought you said you write a sex column, girl!"
"I do, I just don't know what that means," I answered, feeling dumb.
"Anal."
"Ahh, so you should have just said that," I teased. "And you get this much for doing it? Damn!"
"Well, that one's an hourly rate," he told me.
"That’s bullshit. No one can do anal for an hour."
"Oh, GFE," I continued. "The girlfriend experience." I paused. "Did you see that movie with Sasha Grey?"
"Got it at home," he said.
"I liked it. But it was kind of boring. So I just looked at her the whole time."
"Her ASS," he sighed before regaining composure. “Yeah, so GFE is an extra $200 to whatever else she doing."
Just then, a group of men walked by and stared, all their flubby chins craning as they sauntered past.
"Stop looking at me," I said, annoyed. One of them laughed. "Suck my cock motherfuckers!" I said a bit louder. Their expressions shifted to one of disgust and my pimp friend and I laughed.
"You crazy," he smiled. "But you know, they just do it cuz you pretty."
"Yeah, thanks," I said, immediately glued back to the list of prices.
"So, it’s $75 for a blow job, but and extra $50 if you deep-throat?
"All these prices though," he said, taking the paper from me and reading, "wouldn't apply to you."
"What do you mean?" I asked.
"You a pretty white girl. You'd make WAY more than this."
"Seriously?" I asked.
"Seriously. White girls make way more than black girls. But my girl I got right now is half Mexican and then black and white. She make good money cuz she look exotic."
"Yeah, I fucked a guy with those same racial proportions once," I joked.
"White girls make the most," he continued. "Then Asians, then Mexican, Hispanic, whatever, then black girls."
"God…I guess I didn’t realize it was like that."
He took a drag from his cigarette.
"You’d make a LOT of money,” he said, shaking his head.
"Yeah, well, I don't oppose it." I told him about Belle de Jour putting herself through medical school with the money she made turning tricks in London. "I just don't know if it's for me. I mean, I've already graduated from college.” I wanted to resist his recruitment efforts without appearing judgmental. He didn't seem to care.
"I mean, my girl I got now has a client that pays her $500 to just come over and wear 8-inch heels and kick him in the face." I lit another Newport for him, and a Parliament for myself. "Just imagine how much YOU could make."
"Of course," he added, “you'd definitely have to wear tighter clothes." I looked down at my flowy top and skinny jeans that, after being worn for about five consecutive days, weren't too skinny anymore. He was studying me. "And way more makeup."
"So if she makes so much money, why does she need you?" I asked suspiciously. "You'd beat her up?”"Hell no! We friends!"
"Oh, so you're fucking her too?" I sipped my drink and did the coy look-up-at-him-through-my-eyelashes thing. He nodded, smirking. "I see. So, what does she get out of it, then? I mean, financially."
"I told you," he stated. "Networking."
"But so if she has the kind of client who pays her $500 to wear heels and stomp on his face, why doesn't she leave you behind?"
"Most pimps take all the money," he explained. "They give their girls allowances -- however much they think they need to pay for food and living expenses and shit -- and it's usually not enough. My girl don't give me all her money. We share it. She got her own debit card. We good."
I noticed three young women about my age walk through the casino. I got his attention and nodded in their direction. "Damn, look at that girl, those leggings and heels!" I thought she looked like a fucking hooker.
"That’s my girl," he said. Naturally.
She and her friends approached us. She gave me a once-over and asked him for a cigarette. I told her I had non-menthols and she shrugged me off.
"Hi" one of her friends said, super-smiley, and asked my name. I told her, and asked hers. "I’m Unique," she said.
"Oh, that's cool!" I said, trying to pretend that it wasn't the most – err – unique name I'd heard in awhile.
We made small-talk about what we were drinking and where we were from, and she invited me to come hang out in their room later. My imagination revved into high gear. Video cameras fixed on Unique and me performing nonconsensual BDSM on each other. I envisioned snorting fat lines of coke off of my pimp friend's dick. Then I saw my body lying in a blood-filled bathtub, organs harvested from within my torso and sold on the black market.
"Sure, yeah, maybe…what's your room number?"
"1000," she said. "You want me to write it down?"
"No, that's okay," I said. "That's pretty easy to remember."
My new friend gave me his number, told me to call him, and I went up to my room, deadbolted the door, vibed, and fell asleep. I left Reno the next morning feeling horrified, amused, and educated in the ways of the oldest profession. And, contrary to the infamous Big Daddy Kane lyrics, pimping seemed pretty easy to me.
(The prices noted were written purely from memory. Actual prices may vary.)
What's your pleasure? Got a problem? Write to Avoine at AvoineSauvage@CrabbyGolightly.com
February 05, 2010
PROOF YOU CAN HAVE TOO MUCH MONEY
Giacometti's Nihilist Monument Shatters Art Auction Record
THE TALL, GAUNT "WALKING MAN" was conceived as part of a series of bronze figures commissioned to stand outside the Chase Manhattan Bank in New York City's financial district.
Fifty years later, the haunted-looking figure sculpted by Swiss artist Giovanni Giacometti has sold for $104.3 million dollars, the highest sum ever paid for a work of art at auction.
The highest price previously paid was $104.2 set in 2004 for Pablo Picasso's 1906 portrait Boy With a Pipe.
The 6-foot-high piece, auctioned off at Sotheby's in London on Wednesday, was originally expected to fetch only a quarter of what became the final tally. But the price was propelled northward by competition between two anonymous and fiercely determined collectors.
"Above $50 million, the fight for any artwork goes from love to a grudge match," New York art dealer Marc Glimcher told the Wall Street Journal.
It's ironic that an individual in pursuit of possession could squander $104.3 million on a piece of bronze that, at least to philosopher William Barrett, personifies the view "that modern life is increasingly devoid of meaning and empty."
Congratulations to the new owner, for whom we hope the new possession fills his soul.
February 04, 2010
SISTER'S GOT BACK
Beyonce's Baby Sister Has A 'Kanye' Moment
BEYONCE'S SISTER SOLANGE TWEETED FOLLOWING HER BIG SISTER'S historic six Grammy-award cleanup.
Interpreted into the hip-hop equivalent, Solange basically said, "My sister is the shit, bitches, so get off Taylor Swift's titties."
Or to be literal, Beyonce's baby sis tweeted she was "having another Kanye rant moment."
"My sister BROKE THE RECORD for the MOST GRAMMY'S IN ONE NIGHT BY ANY FEMALE…So why do I keep seeing 'other artists' as the night's 'big winner'… (Insert Kanye shrug here)??????
Don't "blame it on the goose," as Grammy-night performers Jamie Foxx and T-Pain would have; blame it on Kanye.
The perceived lack of attention to B's accolades and achievements seems to rest on that one dark and gloomy night of the MTV awards.
Had Kanye never stolen the microphone from Swift and single-handedly made him America's douche du jour by candidly announcing his feelings that Beyonce's Single Ladies should have won best music video while Swift was accepting the prize, B'd be basking in the unaudulterated adulation her little sister commands.
One would imagine that Beyonce got all the affirmation that she's the shit after winning the Song of the Year nod, gaining ten nominations and winning six frickin' Grammys in one night and going down in the history books.
To ease her pain which for some reason, is still not yet obvious because Solange wasn't nominated for anything, including best-supporting sidekick pitching a diva-fit, the younger, less-successfyl Knowles could do a few things. Among them:
Solange could just put on a brand new Dereon outfit (her sister's successful, clothing line) put on I Am…Sasha Fierce (her sister's latest Grammy-winning album) call Jay-Z up (her sister's uber successful, rap-mogul husband) then go to a Nets' game, (Jay just happens to be a part-owner of them) then go back to their mansion and cry in the wrinkled dollar bills that are no longer fit for shopping.
Other than that, just stop it. It's not graceful to bitch and moan about a lack of praise for being great, which is why I assume a classier Beyonce has remained mum on the deal.
We can't neglect the fact that Swift is all new and shiny like a brand new penny. Add to that, Kanye's infamous rant and slam and it will always leave Swift perceived as a puppy up for adoption whose owner tried to crush her head to get rid of it.
Moral of this story? Not to get sloshed on a gallon of Hennessy, interrupt a new artist's acceptance speech to tell her that her video sucks in order to keep the playing balanced field. Okay?
Shakenya Jackson boasts she is among Chicago's finest writers. She enjoys long walks in the park and dirty dishes.
February 03, 2010
SICK LOVE
Facebook Gives Murdering Father The Last Word
TO THE TWISTED AND CONTROLLING MIND OF STEPHEN GARCIA, it wasn't enough to kill himself and his nine-month-old son to spite an ex-girlfriend. He had to have the last word.
In his final vengeful and selfish act, Garcia, 25, shot his son Wyatt to death before turning the gun on himself in a parked vehicle on a rural road in Twin Peaks, Calif.
The murder-suicide was the final act of a tragedy that had played for weeks on the social medium Facebook, the Internet, and in Joshua Tree, Calif. courts.
Garcia was enraged and bitter that his ex-girlfriend, whom I will not mention out of spite to him, had become involved with another man.
So in exhaustive, obsessive detail, he had for weeks begged, pleaded and threatened his ex-girlfriend through Facebook, text messages and his personal website.
"HOW DO YOU THINK THIS IS GOING TO AFFECT ME FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE?," Garcia wrote. "HOW IS IT GOING TO AFFECT WYATT? DO YOU HONESTLY BELIEVE IM (sic) GOING TO JUST SIT BACK AND WATCH WYATT BE RAISED BY ANOTHER MAN? HOW LONG BEFORE I DO SOMETHING STUPID?"
A final video and obituary was posted on Garcia's Facebook page within hours of Garcia's death but it remains unclear if it was posted before or after the crime. In it, he makes the ridiculous claim that he killed his son to protect him. He also characterized the deaths as "punishment" to his exgirlfriend.
In another post, he wrote, “I am crazy, crazy in love, YOU did this to me. YOU. I'm not psycho, I'm not obsessive, I'm not a stalker.”
Garcia’s words and deeds were so threatening that his ex-girlfriend of two years unsuccessfully sought a restraining order against him in court.
Three judges denied her request -- with one going so far as to accuse her of lying to bolster her case in a pending custody matter, according to published reports.
"I get concerned when there’s a pending child custody and visitation issue and in between that, one party or the other claims that there’s some violence in between,’’ Judge David Mazurek said in denying the woman’s request for a restraining order. “It raises the court’s eyebrows because based on my experience, it’s a way for one party to try to gain an advantage over the other.”
A day after Mazurek's ruling, after being told by Garcia to check her email, the mother received an anonymous email containing a story entitled Necessary Evil that had alternate endings.
One ending depicted the female character happily returning to her estranged partner; in the second, the male kills his son with Benadryl. The estranged girlfriend immediately notified authorities who obtained an emergency restraining order. But the following day, a third judge refused to uphold that order.
A family member told reporters that that judge, Robert Lemkau, had pointed to the mother in court said, “One of you is lying and I think it’s you.”
Justifiably so, the case have provoked an uproar over the jurists’ indifference to the mother’s claims.
“This was preventable. This didn’t have to happen,” the child’s grandmother told a Hi-Desert Star reporter. “The system failed Wyatt. It cost him his life.”
BAD PICKINS
Stealing Oscar's Thunder: Nominees For Razzies Named Just Ahead Of Academy's "Best" List
THE RAZZLE DAZZLE OF THE OSCARS IS ALMOST UPON US. But first up: the Razzies, a celebration of the year's worst films and performances.
This year's 30th annual Golden Raspberry Awards will take place March 6th, one day before the 82nd Annual Academy Awards. And while Oscar's nominees will be out later today, beating them to the punch is the Razzies' nominees for the worst of 2009.
This year at least one name's expected to top both lists: Sandra Bullock is earning rave reviews for her turn in The Blind Side, but she stunk up the screen in All About Steve and is a Razzie nominee for "Worst Actress."
Keeping her company as "worst" is Miley Cyrus for Hannah Montana: The Movie, Megan Fox for her performances in two movies, Beyonce for Obsessed and Sarah Jessica Parker for All About The Morgans
New Moon’s ambivalent vampire Robert Pattison gets a nomination for Worst Supporting Actor and half of Worst Onscreen Couple. In Robert's case, love and award nominations really do bite.
Nominated for Worst Picture are the critical flops All About Steve, Land of the Lost, Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen, and G.I. Joe: The Rise Of the Cobra.
Transformers’ director Michael Bay gets a nomination for Trannies, Too as the Razzies refer to the second installation of Transformers. A bunch of nobodys keep him company on that list so Bay is sure to win.
With a nod to the aughts, this year’s Razzies’ list includes special categories of Worst Actor, Actress and Picture of the Decade.
To nobody’s surprise, Ben Affleck, Eddie Murphy and John Travolta compete for the title of Worst Actor along with comics Mike Myers and Rob Schneider.
Representing bad actresses are Madonna, Paris Hilton, Lindsay Lohan, Mariah Carey, and Jennifer Lopez. Sounds about right.
You can check out the entire list of the worst Hollywood has to offer here.
While the Razzies’ ceremony won’t be populated with A-listers, or even B-listers, it’ll be a welcome break from the Hollywood’s most self-congratulatory ceremony.
Calhoun Kersten is a Cincinnati, Ohio, native who now calls Chicago home. A recent graduate of Columbia College, he blogs at Confessions Of A Self-Proclaimed Megalomaniac.
February 02, 2010
FORMULAIC
Not Going GaGa Over This Year's Grammys
THE 52ND ANNUAL GRAMMY'S OPENING "Fame Factory" proved apt metaphor as performers rolled out in assembly line perfunctoriness and left me hankering for a surprise.
Wearing gangrenous shoulder humps, Lady GaGa opened the show looking like Quasimodo leading the Festival of Fools. Joined by a soot-covered, glittered-spectacled Sir Elton John, the two legends performed a lackluster medley of his-and-her songs.
And is it me? Or did it seem that Lady G began her pop descent at the moment she exclaimed, "Take My Picture Hollywood! I want to be a star!"
Then Steven Colbert swept on stage in his faux persona, waved 'Hello Princess' to Taylor Swift, feigned familiarity to an indifferent Jay Z, and warned his teenaged daughter in the audience to stay away from Katy Perry.
The talk show host then threw props to the Cinderella missing the ball:
"I don't know why Susan Boyle isn’t here,"’ he quipped. "…Remember you may be the coolest people in the world. But this year your industry was saved by a 48-year-old Scottish cat lady in sensible shoes!"
The pre-show hoopla about Sunday being ladies' night proved mostly hype as Lady GaGa, Beyonce and Taylor Swift delivered workmanlike performances. Neither Sasha Fierce nor the cute country crooner’s matched their performances from the VMAs. Beyonce's number with Stormtroopers lacked jolt and Taylor'ss voice cracked out of tune during a duo with Fleetwood Mac’s Stevie Nicks. (Lucky for her Kanye West wasn't in the house because she would have never got to finish.)
The night's most dazzling diva was Pink, who as usual pour her soul while singing Glitter In The Air all the while dangling in midair.
The night's most anticipated moment came when Michael Jackson's children Prince and Paris accepted a special tribute to their father.
Looking gorgeous and encircled by family members, the heirs to Michael's music and mystique received a standing ovation.
"We are proud to be here to accept this award on behalf of our father Michael Jackson,’’ said a composed Prince. "First of all, we'd like to thank God for watching over us for these past seven months. And our grandma and grandpa for their love and support. …Through all [Michael’s] songs, his message was simple. Love. We will continue to spread his message and help the world. Thank you. We love you daddy.”
The 3-D tribute to Jackson proved less compelling with a schmaltzy video, but the vocal performances of Celine Dion, Usher, Carrie Underwood, Jennifer Hudson and Smokey Robinson were more affecting.
The night's biggest award winners were Beyonce, who took home six awards, including Song of the Young, and country girl Taylor Swift, who bagged four trophies, including the coveted Album of the Year.
"I just feel like I'm standing here accepting an impossible dream, and I just want to thank you for this,’’ Swift said after her first win of the evening.“
Though Gags bagged two trophies before the on-air festivities, she failed to nab any prizes during the live show.
In addition to Pink, the night's best performances belonged to Black Eyed Peas’ I Got A Feeling, Jamie Foxx and T-Pain's jumping version of Blame It, and Eminem et al.’s rat-a-tat rhymes from Forever.
A joyful Dave Matthews threw himself a party onstage and invited his band and backup.
Green Day, Jon Bon Jovi, and Jeff Beck all did honorable jobs representing the rock niche.
For a complete list of the night’s winners, check out Grammy.com.
