FLEX YOUR MUSCLE

When Police Come A Rappin', Tiger Cops To Napping

HERE'S ALL WE REALLY KNOW, COMPLIMENTS OF THE FLORIDA HIGHWAY PATROL: Tiger Woods took off in his car around 2 am the day after Thanksgiving, plowed into a fire hydrant and slammed into the neighbor's tree.

And that's it. But the gossip sites are on fire. In their frenzy, everybody's overlooking the best part.

As the Orlando Sentinel reported Saturday morning --

"Troopers from the FHP, which is investigating the crash, visited Woods' $2.4 million mansion Friday evening. Elin Nordegren Woods told troopers her husband was sleeping and asked that they return this morning."


Now the Washington Postreports police were turned away again, later in the day on Saturday, this time by Tiger's agent.

So let me see if I have this straight. The next time the po-po comes a knockin', all I need to do is have somebody answer the door and tell them I'm in the middle of my nap? Wow! Who knew?

Well, I can tell you who didn't know:


A dramatic re-enactment…

(Knock-Knock) POLICE: "Bernie Madoff! Open up! It's the police!"

MADOFF'S WIFE (She opens their front door): "He's resting on a bed of one-hundred dollar bills. No, wait - he's on the bed made out out of thousand-dollar bills.'


A dramatic re-enactment…

(Knock-Knock)POLICE: "O.J. Simpson! Open up! It"s the police!"

SQUEAKY HIGH-PITCHED VOICE THAT SOUNDS A LOT LIKE O.J. (behind his closed front door): "Uh…he's in da bed."


A dramatic pre-enactment.…

(Knock-Knock) POLICE: Lindsay Lohan! Open up! It's the police!

LINDSAY LOHAN: (sounds of puking & splashing behind her closed front door)

Makes you feel a little bad for Bernie, for O.J., for Lindsay. They didn't know about this little-known, "The police can wait until I'm well-rested" loophole in the law. Apparently, they could all have opted to stay in bed rather than face their fate. Shoulda went to law school.

As for Tiger…we don't know the "why." And we won't until he's ready. It could've been anything. Maybe he was still hungry after a bad turkey and was heading out to the Waffle House. There's one on every corner down there. And then maybe he swerved to miss one of those Florida lizards. Anything's very possible.

It's really easy to throw another rumor onto the compost heap of rumors explaining the accident. Therefore; let's!

Soon the truth will be out -- or at least what we'll have to accept as the truth -- and it won't be anywhere near as good as the internet rumors. So here's your chance to be creative. Whattaya got.…


Bob Bounce is the pen name of a Northwestern University student slowly working on his masters. He is married to Sue Donym and together they raise two Chia Pets whom they plan to let slowly die from neglect.

PLEASE MAKE IT END

2012: Craptastic Plastic

SERIOUSLY, PEOPLE? You spent $65 million on opening weekend to see this movie?

I guess Michael Caine was right: some people really do just like to watch the world burn.

2012, the newest in the disaster-porn filmography of Roland Emmerich, is about the world coming to an end because of a myth-come-to-life about the Mayan Calendar.

I don't know much about calendars, let alone Mayan ones, but if the world is going to end, I hope it's more interesting and less CGI filled than the movie representing it.

Emmerich finds a way to hide half-an-hour of story in three hours of computer generated disasters.

The story: John Cusack stars as a divorced dad who is trying to save his wife, kids and his wife's second husband as the world comes to an end. That's it.

Add unnecessary CGI, forgettable secondary cast members and you have the whole film.

I guess this movie was a natural progression for Emmerich though.

First it was aliens who failed to destroy humanity; then it was global warming. The only thing left for him to do is just to blow the Earth up. Really, all that was missing was a heavy metal love ballad sung by Aerosmith.

This movie is part of the craptastic cinema we’ve gotten this year. The audiences are basically starved for entertainment that isn’t a sequel or bio-pic about Michael Jackson.

This flick drained any sense of hope from the audience and you all spent $65 million to go see it.

I guess it makes sense: there's nothing else out to see, and at least it isn’t New Moon.

Marc Sakol understands the kindness in strangers, which is why he abandons hope of actually getting to know people. He spends his time falling head first into video games, watching every movie ever made and writing for his blog Sarcasm Not Included.

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November 20, 2009

SPY IN THE HOUSE OF LOVE

"Belle De Jour" Provokes The Question: Who Defines A "Whore?"

INFAMOUS SEX BLOGGER BELLE DE JOUR HAS BEEN OUTED AS A CANCER RESEARCHER!

Thank you to an intelligent and accomplished woman who is (what I like to call) "sexually realized." She was aware of her sexual capabilities and chose (key word: CHOSE) to capitalize on them. Though this does not come free of consequences: "Belle" is now the subject of invasive media attention, implicit threats from an ex-boyfriend, and her story is being used as a lens to examine the entire industry of prostitution.

With a PhD in informatics, epidemiology, and forensic science, Belle de Jour -- a.k.a. Dr. Brooke Magnanti -- specialized not only in blow jobs, but also developmental neurotoxicology and cancer epidemiology. She currently works at the Bristol Initiative for Research of Child Health researching the effects of exposure to the pesticide chlorpyrifos on fetuses and infants. WHAT?!

On November 15th, Magnanti went public to India Knight of The Sunday Times. This decision was partially her own, partially due to the possibility of an ex-boyfriend outing her.

Magnanti is proof-positive that intelligent woman can indeed be a "whore," a "slut," a "floozy," or "prostitute."

When funds were tight for the then-medical student, Magnanti supplemented her financial situation with prostitution in London. She chronicled her experiences in a blog which, refreshingly, features high-class writing about high-class escorting. Her style is crisp, honest, and often quite lovely. She is -- in fact -- no hack. Her blog inspired the television series Secret Diary of a Call Girl and eventually the books The Diary of an Unlikely Call Girl and Belle de Jour’s Guide to Men.

To even write this column, I had to tear myself away from her blog archives, which incorporate direct narrative about her sex work as well as the day-to-day musings of a London resident. It's that good.

This recent "coming clean" raises the topic of whoredom. What is the difference between a whore and a slut? And are whores "bad"? Where does prostitution fall into the average person's sexual landscape? Do we even care about "real" whores?

And this: is being one always, inevitably, about "daddy?" Belle's father Paul Magnanti, 60, of Holiday, Fla., has admitted his own use of prostitutes, some of whom he lived with and introduced to his daugher.

According to my definition, a whore uses sex to acquire money. But does not a "slut" also acquire things through sex? Does s/he not acquire pleasure, experience, fun, and/or comfort?

What is it when I, or anyone hypothetically, fuck someone after they take me out for a nice dinner? Does someone with the ultimate goal of pussy who drops $100 on a luxurious meal differ from someone who drops $100 on 30 minutes of no-frills fucking?

And if we become a "whore'"or "slut," should we always blame our fathers?

I don’t have the answers.

There is a whirlwind of talk about the glorification of prostitution, especially since the television adaptation of the "Belle" blog took off. Being a whore seemed glamorous, though many critics though it promoted prostitution and glossed over the violent experiences that many whores endure.

These experiences of forced prostitution are heartbreaking, yet they must be viewed in a different light than the women who consciously, comfortably, and confidently choose to work as escorts.

Women who are impoverished, addicted, or manipulated into the profession are victims. These are the women who are subject to horrific abuse because they are tragically immobile. This was not the reality of Brooke Magnanti, and it is unfair to suggest it was.

Anna N. of Jezebel writes: "The truth is that prostitution as a whole is neither glamorous nor dangerous. Instead, it's as complex as the sexual urges prostitutes satisfy. Magnanti is well-placed to examine its complexities -- let's hope she does so."

I, too, hope Magnanti explores the implications of her story (when she gets a break from being, you know, a legit scientist and all).

In her November 15th blog entry, she insists that she does not regret her past.

"“It feels so much better to be on [the side of non-anonymity]. Not to have to tell lies, hide things from the people I care about. To be able to defend what my experience of sex work is like to all the skeptics and doubters… stand behind every word with pride."

Although I doubt my own capability to be a prostitute, I admire Magnanti for all that she -- and her pseudonym -- embody.

On September 15, 2004, in her announcement of retirement from the sex industry, Magnanti wrote: "If I could add one thing, it would be this -- don't ever turn down pleasure because you were afraid of what other people might say."

She is not a woman who denies or censors herself, and that is inherently fantastic.

Thanks, Doc.

What's your pleasure? Got a problem? Write to Avoine at AvoineSauvage@CrabbyGolightly.com

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FOOL FOR LOVE

Justin Johnson Says "I'll Tumblr For Ya'' In Web Proposal

DOESN'T GET ANY BETTER.

A boy so smitten he declares his love for you to the world in a video proposal.

And what two people wouldn't fall hard after venturing from Florida to San Francisco and then to New York together? These two share a sense of adventure.

Also, love and joy and fun -- and a dream.

"You are a joy," Justin Johnson tells his girlfriend of six years, Marissa Nystrom in a video he posted on Tumblr's dashboard.

"You are the one I love more than anything. I can't wait to see you every night. I love to wake up to you every morning. I want to wake up smiling next to you for the rest of our lives.

"Marissa, will you marry me?"

Doesn't get any better.

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November 19, 2009

COMPETING WITH KNIVES

No Perfect Score In Top Chef Olympics

AND THEN THERE WERE …

This cooking contest is tightening, and the smart money's on one of the V. brothers' winning.

Robin is missing, leaving an "underdog'' void in the show. The knives, so to speak, are being sharpened.

Tonight's show is touted as the Olympics of cooking. For the Quickfire Challenge, guest judge Gavin Kaysen decides who has the best "ballantine," or a presentation of a protein in a protein, in a protein. Kaysen has competed in the prestigious culinary competition Bocuse d'Or, held in France every two years. And tonight's final contest proves one of the most challenging of the entire season. (If I were in the competition I'm sure I'd could pull it off with my pork chop stuffed bacon stuffed prosciutto.)

As the chefs prepare their dishes, they also stab each other with their tongues.

Kevin thinks what the V. brothers are doing is too much for their 90 minute alloted time and Mike thinks that no dish can save Jen, that it's time for her to get out of his way.

But too bad for Mike because Jen wins with her calamari steak, scallops, salmon, shiitake, shiso with rice noodle and salad dish.

Mike shows himself to be an unoriginal thinker: he stuffs chicken with chicken, and the Olympic chef Kaysen points out his obvious flaw.

For winning, Jeng gets an extra 30 minutes for the Elimination Challenge and Mike tries to hide his defeated face. If Nelson Muntz from The Simpsons were in the room, he'd point at Mike and say "HAW HAW."

For the Elimination Challenge, the chefs must create a presentation platter of one protein and two garnishes. Their dish has to be intricate and show detailed technique, which will then be judged members of the American Bocuse d'Or and chef Thomas Keller, whose name sends a shiver through the chefs. (Would my idea for buffalo wings with carrots and celery be good enough? Nah.)

As the chefs rush the kitchen to get cooking, they learn the winner will pocket 30K. The chefs get pressure knowing that money could be theirs, and I suspect Mike is planning to use the money to build a his shrine to himself.

But things go badly, and when the chefs presented their dishes to the judges, they find things more wrong than tasty.

For the elimination all chefs were told what their downfalls were but they were still praised for their overall work. But only one dish can win and that was… Kevin's sous-vide lamb.

And Kevin is one step closer to be the next Top Chef. As much as I cheer for him, I'm sad that Eli was told to pack his knives and go. I thought Mike was so close to getting eliminated! So what if he's a great chef; he's a tool.

Tonight's episode is the last time the chefs compete in Vegas; now they're off to Napa Valley.

Just four players left.

Nicki R. is a Southern girl living in the big city of Chicago. She loves quiet evenings a home watching horror films with her dogs Jezebelle and Zombie. Check out her blog, Hey, Look Behind You!

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SECRETARY OF 'KEEPIN IT HOTT FOR DA LADIEZ'

Levi Johnston Wins The Gay & Female Vote

TONGUES WERE HANGING OUT ALL OVER THE WEB AS PLAYGIRL TEASED A PEEK AT LEVI JOHNSTON IN THE RAW.

As Sarah Palin began her publicity tour for Going Rogue, Levi took a page from her book and began his own outsider campaign as "player."

The photo preview of Johnson seemed deliberately timed to upstage Palin's opening salvo of her book tour. But while reviews of Palin talking to Oprah were tepid, Levi was knocking the socks off girls (including me) and gays across the web.

"I'd certainly let him take me behind the middle school and get me pregnant,'' gushed pssshwhatever on Gawker. "Yowza.'

And when SleeplessNights recommended Levi for president, Wrapitup countered, "Er, I wouldn't go that far. But Secretary of Keepin It Hott For Da Ladiez, mos def."

"Positively nibble-worthy,'' cooed Snugbug.

"…Luxurious pit locks, too. So pretty and so vacant, the perfect vessel for embarrassing grown-woman fantasies."

Over at GaySocialites, Charles Winters recapped Levi's visit to CBS Early Show. "He isn't the most well-spoken fella, but he's country. I, for one, can't wait to see Levi in the buff. "…Prrrrrrrrr."

During the CBS interview, Johnson reveals that all the ladies go crazy when he visits his momma in jail. (She's doing time for selling prescription drugs).

"It's just crazy 'cause it's a big women's jail and they see me on TV and I go in there and they go nuts. They hold up cougar signs and everything else. It's hilarious."

Though reports initially were that Levi would bare it all for Playgirl, the news broke that he'd keep his peen private, a revelation that wasn't always welcome.

"How dare you toy with our emotions like this!,'' wailed Perez Hilton. "Tragic. Then we better see a whole lotta ass to make up for it!"

Back over at Gawker, some were seeing Levi's impact on society writ large.

"Based on the swooning going on here, I think this photo shoot will be a net gain for the country,'' wrote Steverino Begins at Gawker. "Maybe Levi will be like the Betty Grable of our times: a pretty ass to distract our war/recession-weary minds."

As a patriot, Levi, I want to thank you.

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November 18, 2009

TUMBLIN' DOWN

Lego As Metaphor For America's Teetering Economy?

A GREAT CONTRAPTION BUILT ON A SINGLE LEGO, boosted by posts, wooden tops, dominos, plastic TVs, bells, cartoon characters -- and all topped by clowns.

Just set a few wind-up tools -- I mean toys -- loose and viola!, the whole thing comes tumbling down.

God, this economy is poisoning our thoughts.

Maybe we should all just go play for the day at a nearby museum.

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November 17, 2009

WISE BUYS

Hootin Tootin' Fun Finds On Etsy

SUZE ORMAN IS ALWAYS GOING ON ABOUT PUTTING MONEY BEFORE THINGS, but I am a sucker for silly or pretty one-of-a-kind whimsy at any price.

And so I only wish that I had the $235 to blow on this fuzzy blue owl who was featured in
Stuffed magazine.

I don't know what I'd do with him other than stare at his fluffy blue fur and ponderous eyes while he collected dust. But he would be mine, all mine! And I'd be another $235 in the hole, crap.

Ditto for the owl wedding topper ($40), the owl change purse ($19.50), the owl belt buckle ($38), not to mention the dozens of other treasures I coveted after perusing 500 pages of owl stuff on Etsy! I must have been out of mind; but in my defense, there were another 800 pages I passed on.

If you are a spendthrift and have the need to buy pretty things, don't bother doing it anywhere else but on Etsy, one of the best designed sites on the web catering to crafty hipsters creating art or reviving old treasures.

So many beautiful things to buy. Sigh.

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SCORE ONE FOR THE PEOPLE

A Victory For Workers: New Law Bans Employers From Requiring Genetic Testing

AS THE NATION GRAPPLES WITH THE OVERWHELMING TASK OF OVERHAULING A FLAWED HEALTH CARE SYSTEM, there is at least one victory for Americans this week.

After more than a decade spent languishing in Congress, a new law goes into effect Nov. 21st prohibiting employers from using genetic testing in decisions regarding hiring, firing or promotions.

"There's an absolute ban on the use of genetic information to make any kind of decision about employment," Christopher Kuczynski of the Equal Employment Opportunity Commission told the New York Times.

The passing of the Genetic Information Nondiscrimination Act was considered critical to the further development of genetic testing for "personalized medicine." For good reason, many Americans have avoided testing out of fear that results would be used against them by health insurance companies and employers. The new law prohibits employers' and insurance companies from overtly seeking employees' genetic information.

The next frontier in genetics law that legislators and jurists must address is whether organizations and individual researchers can patent genetic sequences from individuals' DNA. It will be years before that issue is resolved, but stay tuned.

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FAKING IT

Step Out Of The Closet, Carrie Prejean

AS A BLONDE-HAIRED, BLUE-EYED, PERFECT SPECIMEN OF HETERO-NORMALITY, Carrie Prejean has set the standard for women everyone: deny your sexuality and keep it hidden.

I don't detest her for making a sex tape. (Or 8 sex tapes and 30 plus naked photographs. Zing!)

After all, she was only giving her ex-boyfriend the solo show of his pubescent life. I can't hold it against her. I've done worse.

I don't even necessarily detest her for lying about it. She has a lot at stake.

But Prejean is a hypocrite.

What sanctimonious Christian films videos of herself wankin' it?

Such a decision has about as much integrity as a woman who "saves herself for marriage" by allowing guys to stick it up her rear.

And what self-respecting Christian refuses to speak on the telephone to another human being based on their lifestyle and/or orientation? She has not only taken an anti-gay marriage stance -- which she defends with her outdated Christian ideologies -- but now she seemingly refuses to speak to anyone of the less-than-hetero persuasion, taking off her microphone on Larry King Live when a caller prefaced his question with "I am a gay man."

Is it awesome that Carrie made a sex tape? Kind of. But the whole fiasco would be so much more satisfying if she owned up to it, if she said "Yeah, I did that because I wanted to and it felt right."

Carrie Prejean’s choice to chastise herself, and her denial of the existence of these artifacts devalues and invalidates women everywhere who are comfortable enough to twiddle it for the camera.

What's your pleasure? Got a problem? Write to Avoine at AvoineSauvage@CrabbyGolightly.com

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November 16, 2009

MENTORS & PROTEGES

Speidi Strikes As Hollywood Sours On Brangelina

THE BIGGEST FAMEWHORES IN HOLLYWOOD have written a book on -- ta da! -- how to be a fame whore! Because what other identifiable skills do Heid Montagi and Spencer Pratt have?

The titillating reality TV twosome are sharing their secrets on fame mongering in How To Be Famous: Our Guide To Looking The Part, Playing The Press and Becoming a Tabloid Picture.

In their latest devious calculation, Speidi teaches how to "increase your capacity for evil," feed the public's appetite for plastic surgery stories and and "outrageous behavior," and share the "secrets of celebrity couple math."

And in the opinion of this immodest couple, no one better personifies the game than the Jolie-Pitts.

"We'd love to sit down and discuss fame with them," Speidi, answering as one, told Playboy.com. "Consider this your formal invitation, Brangelina. Let's hang out sometime. We'll be SpeidiLina!"

Ha! That's hil-ar-i-ous, you kooky kids!

The duo also frets in mock horror about possibly offending Hollywood's reigning prom queen and king.

"We wouldn't want to piss them off. She might steal Spencer -- you know, because she steals people's husbands!" Bada bing. Bada boom.

We can practically hear the hiss of revulsion that Speidi's effrontery provokes in Angelina. "How dare they!," we feel certain she roars. "They're not worthy of our spit!"

But, take note, Brangelina: Now might be a better time to fuel up the jet and skip over to another continent. Because your imminent future looks bleak when Speidi feels safe to joke at your expense.

Yes, what goes up inevitably comes down, and today's zeitgeist demands that Brangelina’s puffery be deflated. And current Hollywood seems happy to oblige.

Megan Fox disparages Angelina as a “tigress,” Kristen Stewart laments being a “movie star like Angelina Jolie,” and Jim Carrey sarcastically snipes that Angelina’s “the problem for sure. We’re ok with [Pitt], seriously, because he can do no wrong.”

In the most organized attacked against the once-untouchables, Life & Style writes this week that Angelina Life & Style is a fraud, a “master manipulator” who uses her children as pawns for publicity, perpetuates violence through film and willfully stole Brad away from his ex.

On top of all that now there’s Brangelina: The Untold Story of Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie which purportedly reveals the “story behind the crumbling of Hollywood's most carefully constructed fantasies.”

Among the bombshells delivered by author Ian Halperin, a former editor at Rolling Stone: Brangelina is permanently fractured as a couple, and that Angelina has recently used crystal meth.

That's a heavy load for any celebrity couple to carry, even one so versed in the contest as Brangelina.

But if the game's gotten bigger than both of them, I know a couple who will sympathize. Or, at the very least, send a copy of their new book.

Read Untangling Why We Can -- And Can't -- Hate Brangelina here.

Read Megan Fox Gets Stupid Ugly, Proves She's No Angelina here.

Read Brother, Can You Spare A Camera Crew? here.

Read Here's a Question For You, Ang: How Many Zaharas Could You Buy For $3,590? here.

Read A Kiss 'Au Revoir,' Brangelina here.

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A SENSITIVE MATTER

Anal Love: Yes Or No?

AFTER TRYING A FEW TIMES, I FIND ANAL SEX underwhelming, and my girlfriend isn't into it at all. Everything I read seems pretty vague: just basically to use a lot of lube, make sure you're comfortable, yadda yadda. It seems really hot, but never quite pans out. I wanna drink the Kool-Aid, but can't find the pitcher. Am I missing something?

Dear Klutz:

Oh, butt sex. So often joked about, talked about, and written about, yet so few seem to know how to do it in a way that satisfies all parties involved.

Anal isn't always easy, but when it's done right it is oh…so…right. For everyone -- men, women, gay, straight, whatever.

First of all, I suggest some mood creation. You can't just stick it in someone's ass without softening 'em up first.

John Legend's Once Again album is good. Also, red wine is good. I hear doing coke is good too, especially since it makes you take monstrous shits, but would NOT suggest that due to, you know, legal and health issues.

On the topic of gargantuan BMs, I will say this: don't fret. I’ve had friends ask me if enemas before D-in-the-B are warranted. I won't discredit a good colon cleanse, but overuse of enemas isn't healthy. If you need some saline solution up your arse to feel confident, go for it, but a balanced diet with enough fiber should be sufficient.

I will reiterate what the other things you've read have harped on: lube, lube, lube! This is SO crucial. Don't be sparing with the stuff; don’t skimp.

Really go for it. It can be a little bit expensive, but so worth it. If you're nervous about lubey sheets, just put a towel down. Some decent water-based stuff from the pharmacy is good. I'm talking KY-Jelly or Astroglide. Take it from me, Durex lubes are a waste of your time. In my experience, they're sticky and icky.

DO NOT use warming or cooling lube for anal. Holy Christ -- that'd be like the time I mutually masturbated with a lovah after making salsa and not wearing gloves (yeah, think jalapeno pussy -- ouch).

The radiant Searah from Chicago's sex haven Early 2 Bed is vehemently opposed to desensitizing lubes such as "Anal-Ease"-type products, insisting that their numbing effect can be dangerous.

"Using a desensitizing cream only alienates you from your body," she writes, "and makes you more likely to cause some kind of damage."

Totally valid point. I've always had okay experiences with Anal-Ease, but you MUST use a condom with it or else the peen'll go numb too.

Although I've used Anal-Ease in the past, I have since done anal with regular lube only and was totally fine. (BUT, I have also adhered to the following rectal-regimen. Read on.)

Another lube option is Boy Butter, which my friend swears by. "It's super creamy but not greasy," is her testimony. "It's really thick and silky. You only need a little bit and it doesn't dry up.” The thing about Boy Butter (unless it’s their “Boy Butter H20” line) is that it’s oil-based, so you can't use it with condoms. Bareback only, my friend. (Or with toys.)

Speaking of condoms, please do choose to use them. No one likes a poopy dick. Since the tissues in the rectum are more prone to damage than the vagina, they're also more prone to infection. Keep it clean; keep it safe. If you put a dick in a butt, it has no business going in a vadge unless it has been washed off or unless the condom has been changed. That's an infection waiting to happen, folks. If you're using toys -- dildos, vibes, butt plugs, or anal beads -- sterilize them with hot water and anti-bacterial soap (preferably fragrance-free) before and after using them. It is probably also a good idea to pick up some rubber or latex finger protectors from your pharmacy for F-in-the-B.

Oh, didn't I mention F-in-the-B? It’s basically one of my favorite things ever. Coax into the butt with fingers before trying to go full-force with a dick or dil. A finger in the butt can provide added dimension to pretty much any sex act.

Getting head with a finger in your ass? Holy shit. A finger in the ass during doggy style? Woof! “The Shocker” (two in the pink, one in the stink) has gotten a bad rap due to frat-boy jokes, but it's SO good. A simple finger -- slowly working up to two or three -- can prepare you for bigger and better things. Same with plugs or beads. Stick 'em in and go about your bedtime business. Just get comfortable with penetration before trying to do any kind of in-and-out motion.

Once you've gone through these measures and are finally ready to get down, it's time to consider position. Most people go directly for doggy style because it seems like the anal-default. False.

For many first-timers, missionary position is the way to go. It puts the receiver in a position that is more relaxed (lying down and less vulnerable) and relaxation is KEY. You can try receiver-on-top, though I've never been able to swing it. If you do decide to try doggy, have the giver sit back on his (or her, with a strap-on) heels while the receiver lowers back onto the D, controlling the velocity and depth of the penetration.

If the receiver is a woman, try using a vibrator on her clit! If you don’t have a vibe, have her rub her clit, or you rub it for her. If you’re doing it doggy style, a friendly reach-around is always a fantastic addition. This has always helped me to enjoy anal, which has not always been fun. Don’t expect great things immediately. For most people, it’s a commitment, a process. But I think it’s worth it.

Mood, Lube, Preparation, and Safety! Butt sex for all!

What's your pleasure? Got a problem? Write to Avoine at AvoineSauvage@CrabbyGolightly.com

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November 13, 2009

BECAUSE THEY'RE BEAUTIFUL

Untangling Why We Can -- And Can't -- Hate Brangelina

ARE BRAD AND ANGIE LOSING THEIR LUSTER?

Ang and Brad "Fight Like Cats And Dogs" one tab declares.

Another claims the sexpot carries on a "spiteful private war" against the former Mrs. Pitt.

And even uglier is her biographer's claim that Jolie "was recently using crystal meth."

Oh, how we do love to put our celebrities on pedestals just for the fun of dragging them down!

Even Ang's family has become fair game, specifically Zahara's hair.

In a Newsweek article, journalist Alison Samuels called the little girl's hair "bad," as well as “wild and unstyled, uncombed and dry."

I confess that not long ago, I too, was a grown woman hatin' on a sweet little girl's hair. It took Samuel's article for me to realize that I was really reacting, judging Zahara's hair by the standards I had accepted as my own.

Look above at the picture that accompanies the post: Zahara’s hair looks fine.

And yeah, it is wild, dry, unstyled and uncombed. So what?

If you want to see it shiny and "managable," you'll have to wait a long time because real black hair don't shine. (Only the Dominicans can make real black hair shine, but that's with the help of chemicals.)

Mostly, fake hair shines.

Look at little sister's face. She looks like a little girl who knows what she wants. And maybe she wants natural hair. Maybe she's been through the pulling and tugging and has decided it's not for her.

Or maybe it's her mom who won't be bothered by the rituals of braids, plaits, all those little barrettes, or even, God forbid, a perm.

She's beautiful just the way she is, like her mom.

Like Samuels, I also have fond memories of sitting between my mother's legs and getting my hair braided. But there is also the memory of accidentally getting my hair wet during one of my birthday parties and having to take a time out from the fun while my mother set to straightening it again.

The article also compares her to the Obama girls. But they're from a straight up and down, by- the-book domestic American family.

The Jolie-Pitts took the book, tore out the pages out, divided them up and ate them. Apples and oranges.

And I am not alone in this comparison: Latoya Peterson, guest blogging on Jezebel, said it better.

If we're hatin' on the Jolie-Pitt family, it should be because they are all beautiful, live on a French estate, enjoy endless international life and have every indulgence and advantage a family can attain. Plus they really seem to like each other.

Oh, let's just admit it: that's why we really hate them.

Is that your life? Probably not. But don’t your hair look nice?

SexyChattyCatty is a regular contributor at CrabbyGolightly.com where she writes frequently on TV, America's favorite snack food.

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November 12, 2009

COMPETING WITH KNIVES

'Strip' Tease: A Top Chef Recap

TOP CHEF IS ALMOST COOKED FOR THE SEASON. All who's left is Eli, the Voltaggio brothers, Kevin, Jen and the undefeated champion, Robin!

The chefs head over to the fancy Venetian Hotel for the Quickfire Challenge. This week they make a breakfast in bed for Padma and guest judge Nigella Lawson.

First up: Robin and Eli. Robin scrambles against the clock to get her dish completed: a goat cheese, pineapple and blueberry blintz. After she's done, Mike V. angrily cleans up after her. As a professional and thegreatest chef in the world, he can't possibly work under such messy conditions.

As Mike begins to prepare his dish, Robin dares steps in his shadow and he snaps, "I'd rather you just be gone right now!"

Robin obliges and storms out of the kitchen. Is she gone forever? Not yet, but there's hope!

The other chefs present their dishes and the ladies discuss what they liked and didn't like.

And the winner is Eli for his fried egg reuben benedict with thousand island hollandaise sauce. Eli has the honor of having his recipe put in the Top Chef Quickfire Cookbook.

Then it's on to the Elimination Challenge, for which the chefs concoct a dish inspired by a Vegas Strip hotel. They draw knives with the names of different casinos and then head out to them for inspiration.

Almost everyone comes back with a dish in mind except for Eli whose task is serving Circus Circus on a plate. Eli sums the aging playground up perfectly: "It's as if you're in an art gallery and staring at a really sad velvet painting," he tells Kevin.

Then inspiration hits! He decides on something pink: soup with popcorn, raspberries, peanuts, caramel and apple -- a carny's version of fine dining. Good luck with that, Eli.

Jen dreams up an edible version of the Sword And The Stone to signify the Middle-Aged themed Excaliber hotel. (Is Jen looking more grungy every episode? I want to tell her to put down the fork and give a brush a chance.)

In the elimination room, the judges deem that the Brothers V and Kevin have the best dishes. I was rooting for Kevin to beat the brothers, but Mike V wins for his boneless chicken wing confit with curry and blue cheese.

The losers are Jen, Eli and -- Robin! Surprise, surprise.

Jen's beets and New York Strip steak proves too tough to eat, while Robin's panna cotta fails in flavor and texture.

And Eli's popcorn soup? As tasteful as a velvet painting. Padma never wants to eat it again.

So does Eli go home? Nope, he's safe.

So then Jen goes home? No.

Brace yourself: Finally, Robin and her knives are sent packing!

Ta-ta, Robin! She was always good for a "moment," but the competition is getting serious with only five chefs remaining.

The biggest remaining question: which one of the V brothers will win the show?

Nicki R. is a Southern girl living in the big city of Chicago. She loves quiet evenings a home watching horror films with her dogs Jezebelle and Zombie. Check out her blog, Hey, Look Behind You!

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YOU'RE NOT IN CONTROL

Applauding Guerrilla Tactics Against Facebook's Reach

WHAT IF YOU LIKE YOUR LIFE COMPARTMENTALIZED?

WHat if you don't want to sign in to HuffPo or BuzzFeed with Facebook?

What if you don't want to use your real name on email?

Tough luck to you.

The web masters are working overtime to make sure that users sign in to Facebook or announce to everybody in your Yahoo mailbox what you're doing at that moment.

The pressure's on for everybody to hook up or link in with everybody else, smothering out the smallest vestiges of privacy we have left.

Why? So marketers can collect the crumbs from every cookie embedded on your computer?

The growth in social networking is so explosive -- 700 million people worldwide are using some form of it -- that we forget that it's still a grand experiment.

But, increasingly, the potential consequences are spilling out.

We've all read dozens of stories about people who got fired after posting something stupid on Facebook. The latest example comes just today when news broke that a Georgia schoolteacher was forced to resigned because she was holding a drink in her hand.

A recent study about Facebook concludes that users’ photos reveal more about themselves than they realize.

In an age dominated by social media where personal photographs are ubiquitous, it becomes important to understand the ways personality is communicated via our appearance," Researcher Laura Naumann of Sonoma State University said of the study. "The appearance one portrays in his or her photographs has important implications for their professional and social life."

So many of us have unthinkingly climbed aboard for this trip to some unknown destination. But a few visionaries are thinking ahead: the virtual guerrilla group Control Your Info has hacked hundreds of accounts on Facebook to emphasize the risks of using social media.

“We have seen too many examples where friends and relatives of ours have suffered from their lack of in-depth knowledge concerning their online presence,’’ says the group’s blog. “…We wanted to do something about this.

”Our method of choice only serves the purpose to prove our point and put emphasis on how easy it is to lose track of a part of your online presence. If we wouldn’t have communicated this way, our message would probably have fallen into oblivion the moment it got out.”

The blog’s final words: “Take control.”

Are you ready?

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November 11, 2009

HOUSEWIVES' REHASH

Penis Implants, Hair-Pulling, Back-Stabbing? Must Be Atlanta's Housewives

GOD, KANDI GIRL, I LOVE YOU.

Girlfriend came right on out and said that NeNe was different from last season (I told ya'll!). She used a word I really don't like to use with black folk -- "uppity" -- but that's the gist of it.

NeNe's smelling herself and Kandi got the scent.

NeNe, just because you send out "tweets" to famous folks and they may send one back out to you doesn't mean you're a celebrity.

Along with this great nugget, the second half of the Housewives reunion also gave us lots of really good clips. Like the wig-tugging scene outside of the restaurant, now featuring Michael Lohan, of all people.

Kim now finds it funny. Bizarre. But I did love the way NeNe kept calling him "Hey, Lindsay Lohan's daddy."

And stupid Kim being accused of canoodling with an unidentified man after that intense confrontation and denying it. How do these folks forget that they can't lie when there are cameras around? Roll tape and there she is… canoodling. Was it Poppa? I think so.

The high-heeled gays of Atlanta are showcased in all their glory. The women are jealous of their shoes. And they're probably also jealous that sometimes they're best part of the show. (I'm not going to ask again that Dwight Eubanks be given his own show, but I'd watch.)

Then, Dwight comes out in all his fop glory. He critiques the ladies while they silently hate his guts.

Evidently Kim doesn't find this funny cause she busts out that Dwight has had a penile implant and has also shown her before and after pictures. Say What!!!

He doesn't miss a beat as she relates that he also showed her his fishnet stockings and mesh undies. He placidly compares it to a breast implant (Take that, Kim). He's so fucking cool.

Love, love, love the rivalry between Lisa and Sheree's fashion lines and shows. Lisa's gets real bitch-faced when Sheree calls her unfashionable and says that if what Lisa was wearing was any indication of her show, well then, she didn't miss much. BITCH. It's a given that Dwight created a better runway show for Sheree. But that is what he do, that's how he rolls.

Each woman thinks the other is a copycat, while neither is really a fashion designer. But Lisa really gets in Dwight's face over his criticism but can't overcome his cool assurance. He's fabulous and neither woman can really touch him.

Best line of the night? When NeNe told Kandi she thought she owed her an apology and Kandi said, "Good thing she don't get paid for thinking."

I can't wait to use that line.

And NeNe, you know damn well you don’t want nobody calling you ghetto. But that's the way you acted this season, girlfriend. So if the name fits…

You were constantly all up in Kandi's face for nothing, it was ridiculous. How you go from saying Sheree and you would never be friends last season to Sheree and you being BFF’s this season.

I don't know, I just don't feud with my friends for ratings, I guess. This back and forth shit is stupid and tiring. But I guess if you don't really have a job, that's your job.

Kim denies a stripper past while NeNe fesses up to hers, she knows the booty pop and all. And Kim, I guess if you keep having one-hit wonders one right after the other you can have an entire album of songs. We see her recording, so off-tune everyone winces. But Kandi is such an encouraging and uplifting person she made it through, with lots of Autotune and picking this piece and that.

NeNe expresses her disappointment at not being on the record. Her feelings were hurt and I can see where she's coming from with that. But still, it was Kim's dream, not hers.

And after making so much fun of Kim's non-singing ass how could she believe she'd still be wanted.

Kim has feelings too. Maybe her kid was really sick and caused her to miss Kandi's performance and she wasn't just shacking up with the Poppa.

Her live performance of Tardy For The Party is so, so…Heidi Montag. The other Housewives sit in stony, smiling politeness, the worst kind of audience. Everyone thought it was great, fun, they liked the beat. RIGHT. What is this, Bandstand? Kandi recommends Kim sing the song at Super Bowl halftime. We cringe.

What does the future hold for these ladies? They’re writing books, reading scripts, creating babies, clothes (Ha!) or wigs and making fitness videos. Work it girls!

Then we get into dear, departed AJ territory as Kandi sings us out with her new song.

NBC is putting the series into syndication starting next year so prepare to start rolling in the dough, lovely ladies. Soon we'll be able to see one group of Housewives or another all the time.

Bravo has also started filming on the 2010 premiere of “The Real Housewives Of Washington, D.C.” Prepare, bitches.

Read recap of the part one of the Reunion here.

SexyChattyCatty is a regular contributor at CrabbyGolightly.com where she writes frequently on TV, America's favorite snack food.

SCIENCE FICTION

Scientists Give New Meaning to The Phrase 'Grow A Dick'

By Elizabeth C.

SCIENTISTS ARE REPORTING NEWS FROM THE LABORATORY THAT GIVES NEW HOPE TO MEN AND BUNNIES SUFFERING FROM ERECTILE DYSFUNCTION.

Researchers at the Institute for Regenerative Medicine at Wake Forest University Baptist Medical Center in North Carolina are reporting that they constructed a fully functioning rabbit penis that enabled bunnies to screw and procreate like, well, rabbits.

The hope is that the new technology will one day help men with erecticle dysfunction to perform sexually.

"Further studies are required, of course, but our results are encouraging and suggest that the technology has considerable potential for patients who need penile reconstruction," the Institute's Director Anthony Atala told LiveScience.

However, scientists stil have no cure for men suffering from emasculation.

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November 09, 2009

WISER AND BETTER

Strong For Women Everywhere: Rihanna Says 'F' Love, Because Love Is Blind

THE ONLY GOOD RESULT FROM GETTING SLAPPED AROUND IS WISDOM, AND RIHANNA'S SHOWING PROOF OF HER HARD-EARNED LESSON.

After months of speculation as to what happened February 7, 2009 that left her bruised and battered and Chris Brown with five years' probation, Rihanna gave an in-depth interview with Diane Sawyer that put the kibosh on the mysteries surround that evening and gave an intimate look at the young singer's introspection after the incident.

The drive home from a Grammy-party that evening changed the paths of two young pop stars poised for worldwide success. By Rhianna's account, it all started with a text message found in Brown's phone from an ex-flame.

"I caught him in a lie," Rihanna said.

His lying -- and her refusal to drop the issue -- ignited the situation to the point where Brown eventually shoved Rihanna's head into the window, punched her in the face and bit her ear and ring finger. Her resulting injuries were photographed and released by the tabloid website TMZ.com

This Mike Tyson-esque turn for Brown was allegedly his first, sort of.

When Sawyer asked Rihanna had it happened before, she said no. When Sawyer pointed out that she had said he shoved her repeatedly into a wall before, Rihanna's rationale was, "He only shoved her into the wall once."

Rihanna says she was humiliated by the photo, and embarrassed that she had fallen in love with someone who treated her so badly -- and to whom she briefly returned.

"I was still attached by love but I wasn't thinking of the reality of the situation."

Almost three weeks after the incident, Rihanna agreed to meet Brown in Miami where he was photographed jet skiing gleefully.

Ultimately, Rihanna realized she was setting a bad example to other women in abusive relationships, and got in touch with her own anger about the assault. She cut the relationship for good.

"I don't have a desire at all to be with him," she said, admitting there is emotional residue leftover for him.

It seems Rihanna has taken every painful stab from this incident and recycled it as her gift of hope and inspiration for anyone going through something similar.

Her take-away message:

"Don't react off of love. 'F' love. Because love is so blind."

Statistics show that it takes seven or more incidences of abuse for a victim to leave her abuser, according to Sawyer.. By leaving sooner than later, Rihanna has set a solid example for the young women she knows are looking up -- and to her -- for strength.

"I'm glad it happened to me. Now I can help young girls going through domestic violence."

Shakenya Jackson boasts she is among Chicago's finest writers. She enjoys long walks in the park and dirty dishes.

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UNCONQUERED

HERALDING THE ARRIVAL OF THE PRINCE OF PERSIA

AT FIRST I THOUGHT THAT BRINGING PRINCE OF PERSIA: THE SANDS OF TIMEto the big screen would be a good idea. That was before I found out it would be a Disney movie produced by that guy who likes secret agent gerbils and starring a gay cowboy (not that there's anything wrong with that).

When I think of bad ass video game characters -- The Prince from PoP comes to mind, not Jake Gyllenhaal.

Casting him is like Max Payne where the badass female lead was played by notoriously un-badass Mila Kunis. Or as she's better known nowadays, that chick who plays Meg on Family Guy.

Anyways, before I get any more off topic, I’ve watched the trailer for PoP: SoT a few times now and I’m not impressed.

Looks like Disney is looking for a new franchise to profit off of now that the world is getting bored with zombies, pirates, vampires, werewolves, aliens, super-heroes and Justin Long cameos.

Gyllenhaal looks like the prince and, from the little dialogue available, he sounds like the prince, but frankly I’m not getting my hopes up. The only upside is that the movie isn’t being directed by Uwe Boll.

Instead we get Mike Newell, the director behind such great action adventure films like Four Weddings and A Funeral and Mona Lisa’s Smile.

I’m putting my enthusiasm on hold for this one.


Marc Sakol understands the kindness in strangers, which is why he abandons hope of actually getting to know people. He spends his time falling head first into video games, watching every movie ever made and writing for his blog Sarcasm Not Included.

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FORGING FORWARD

Mad Men Finale: The Culmination Of Events

DID YOU GUYS GET THE PROMOTIONAL MEMO ABOUT THIS SEASON BEING THE SEXIEST YET?

Because it really had a lot LESS sex than the previous two, even with Betty ultimately running off with Henry and divorcing Don.

Yes, Betty is leaving Don, despite his protests that she's "not herself" or "needs a pil" or whatever. Granted, he does treat her like a wind-up toy, but she allowed it for so long. Who's to say Henry will treat her any differently once the initial spark wears off? I suppose we'll find out next season.

All we get tonight is more insight into how Don lost his father (a horse kicked that drunken jackass in the face, which is fitting, if you ask me), and how this divorce is really destroying Don emotionally. It's clear that he's become more of a family man, while Betty's becoming less interested in motherhood. In a heated exchange, Don tells Betty that the kids would be better off with him, which might be true, but frankly, living in the clubhouse out back like Glen did is probably a better bet than staying under Betty's careless, overmedicated wing.

Of course, the turmoil extends to Sterling Cooper. At a meeting with Hilton, Don learns that SC is up for sale again, only this time, so is its British holding company, PPL. Hilton tells Don that he'll be leaving the agency. Don is clearly okay with being relieved from working with demanding Connie, but he's also pissed that the agency is on the auction block again.

As it goes in advertising, sales create mergers, mergers create redundancies, and redundancies equal layoffs. So you can see how this might end badly for former-heads-of-companies like Sterling, Cooper, Draper and Price.

Don is tired of, in his words, "being batted around like a ping-pong ball," so he decides to buy back the company from McCann. Price tells him that this is impossible -- the deal is already done. So Draper goes to Plan F: Fire Me Right Now. Price obliges and fires Draper, Sterling and Cooper, voiding their contracts. Then, the four men spend the weekend frantically trying to round up talented underlings to help them get things rolling.

Naturally, Don tries to woo Peggy, who's had enough of, in HER words, "following you around like a nervous poodle." She initially refuses, but after Don apologizes for his recent outbursts, she's on board.

The same thing happens with a shrewd Pete Campbell, who negotiates his client roster in exchange for his name on the door. Mealy-mouthed Harry Crane rounds things out, and Joan is brought in to help them do the most important stuff: hire movers, find Don an apartment, figure out where files are, etc. Let’s hope that soon, she tells Greg to shove it and stays where she belongs -- at Sterling Cooper Draper Price, which is currently being operated out of a hotel room. "Accounts gets the bed!" claims Roger, with a follow-up side eye from Joan that says, "Bish, please."

The scene at the old Sterling Cooper the following Monday is nothing short of awe-inspiring. The heist was pulled together so quickly, quietly and assassin-like that no one saw it coming.

Price waltzes in to his boss foaming at the mouth on the other end of the phone (albeit in a very dignified British accent), "What the hell is going ON over there?! You’re fired!"

Price responds in an equally dignified British accent, "Right then. Have a good holiday."

He waltzes back out, lighter than air, as Draper's secretary sobs into her Selectric, douchebag Kinsey discovers Peggy's been picked over him, and everyone else crowds around, gossiping in hushed tones about how stealthily those Mad Men got away.

I can’t WAIT for next season.

Miz J, who works in advertising, is a regular contributor and resident expert on all things Mad Men. Check out her blog.

WATCHING TIME GO BY

Crooner Andy Williams Reminisces In New Memoir

By Elizabeth C.

THIS ONE'S FOR THE OLDS: SINGER ANDY WILLIAMS IS HAWKING A GOSSIPY NEW BOOK in which he dishes sex, drugs and music.

"Sure I waited a long time to do it,'' Williams, 81, tells the Telegraph. "But who wants to buy an autobiography of someone in their teens? You've got to live life to write a book about it."

The sop pop singer -- who thinks Obama's a Marxist -- is giving interviews to sell his bio, Moon River and Me.

And after 60 years in show buziness, Williams, who used to swill champagne with the Rat Pack, knows how to satisfy a crowd. Among the secrets he's spilling:

He once ate a heaping plateful of dog food when he was hungry;

That his pop was a stage dad who propelled him to work harder by telling him other singers were better;

That Robert Kennedy was probably buried wearing his tie;

That Frank Sinatra ordered a drunken Las Vegas casino patron's nose broken;

And that a married and drunk Mia Farrow tongued his ear at a party. ("Fooling around with Frank (Sinatra's) wife in the middle of a crowded dance floor wasn't the best move," he confides.)

Though most famous for ballads such as Moon River and Can't Help Falling In Love, and the smaltzy variety program The Andy Williams Show, Williams still operates the Moon River Theatre in Branson, Missouri and occasionally tours.

"People assume I'm dead,'' he tells one interviewer. Not yet, but you'll hear about it when he does: He plans to die on stage.

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November 04, 2009

WISHFUL THINKING

Can Jon & Kate Find Their Way Back To Love?

OMG, DO I SMELL A LOVE RECONNECTION BETWEEN THE GOSSELINS?

First, Jonny boy declares he's sorry he catted around with every twentysomething he rubbed up against.

"That was a huge mistake, because if she would've done that to me, I would have been extremely pissed off," Jon said during a made-for-TV confession. "And now that I think about it, it was a very wrong thing to do. I definitely regret it."

Then Kate rues about her shrewy ways when living with Jon.

"I was wrong to treat him that way,'' she said Monday on TLC."Was it good, healthy and wonderful? No. Am I proud of those moments that were captured? No."

Aren't you picking up that whif of reconciliation?

Because don't we all know that saying sorry is the first step toward repairing a relationship? It's such a fundamental thing that even eHow has a six-step plan.

Number one? "Arrange a meeting, preferable private, to deliver your apology. It is better for both parties if you do not have an audience."

Oops, that's a problem. Someone needs to get the word to Jon and Kate! Take it offstage, you two.

Is that not lucrative enough? Then consider how financially barren your lives will be post reality TV and kiss up pronto. The production crews can be there within days!

Because you can only charge $20 a pop so long to air your putrid laundry, Jon. And once your show is off the air, Kate, no one's going to pay a whit's attention to your asymmetrical 'do.

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November 03, 2009

DOING THEIR PART

Jon & Kate: Boosting America's Economy

JON AND KATE'S REALITY SHOW CONTINUES UNABATED ON TV AND THE WEB.

For an undisclosed fee, Jon will be chagrined at any made-for-web publicity event you want to pay him for.

Kate, sniff, sniff, is hurting deeply over the public spectacle her life has become. And she laments that her children are behaving badly from the strain.

As the house comes tumbling down, let's find the silver lining: the Gosselins are a growth industry in America's skeletor economy.

In addition to being the bread and butter, or wheat (Kate?) and chaff (Jon?) of America's infotainment media, contributing to Amazon's bottom line, the couple have spawned an entire market of "Gosselin" domain names; you know, the ones speculators set up for web clicks.

There's KateGosselin.com, JonGosselin.com, and, of course, TheGosselins.

There's the GosselinsWithoutPity, TheGosselinsWithoutPity.Blogspot.com, and the contrarian TheGosselinsDoNotNeedOurPity.BlogSpot.com

There's JonAndKatePlusEight.com, JonAndKatePlusEight.net and, duh, TLC's official website.

There's the oddly named SixGosselins, which conveniently lists Jon & Kate's contact info for "personal appearances/speaking engagements, media requests, endorsement deals, television/film opportunities."

And we can only guess how many -- "I beg your pardon" -- wayward visits that JohnGosselin gets. Or how many interruptions this blissfully happy-looking JonAndKate receive.

You can tell this Jon & Kate are very different from the other; they don't have their pretty site "monetized." How unAmerican!

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November 02, 2009

THE DAY THE EARTH STOOD STILL

Mad Men Monday: The End Of The World As We Knew It

OH, AM I EVER DEPRESSED.

Tonight was the "Kennedy got shot" episode. Unlike the Marilyn references earlier last season, this one carried some weight with EVERYONE on the show (and in the country at that time).

There was a black cloud hanging over everything, similar to the surreal hours and days immediately following 9/11. It's doubly sad that I have something to reference and can therefore understand the mindset of most people on that distant day.

Naturally, I drank a LOT tonight.

Things start off pretty much normal. Betty is still very icy toward Don for that whole lying-to-her-about-everything-even-his-first-goddamn-name thing. I mean, that's pretty understandable, so I'm more disappointed in Don than anything.

But here he is, trying to make amends by soothing baby Gene in the middle of the night. Pssh, whatevs, says Betty's reaction. She's just not moved by his too little, too late attempts to right things.

Meanwhile, Peggy is still seeing Duck, much to my surprise. He's convincing her to get out on her lunch break, which is good. She needs something other than this job to get her up in the morning, even if it is just old guy sex. Wow. Now I'm REALLY depressed now.

In other ends of the Sterling Cooper hallway, Pete is informed that Ken Cosgrove has bested him for the big Head of Accounts position. Although they'll both be promoted to bigger, better roles, Cosgrove’s the #1 man, and whatever the hell Duck was telling him a month or so ago about having no future at SC is finally starting to sink in. Even Trudy's all, "Round up your clients and take them someplace else."

It’s solid advice, Pete. TAKE IT.

Even though the horrible news about President Kennedy is taking over everyone's thoughts, the event Sterling Cooper's been waiting months for is about to arrive: Roger's daughter Margaret’s wedding. Most hope that they'll just call the whole thing off for the time being, since no one's in the mood to nibble on pigs in a blanket and make inane small talk, but, Pete reasons, "They'll never call it off. You know why? Because they're happy."

Well, at least this makes it easy to answer the question about where all these folks were when Kennedy was shot.

The ritzy event ends up a wee bit short on waiters, guests and cake. Margaret pulls through it with grace, which is surprising, because earlier in the episode, she goes apeshit over Jane’s lavish diamond-encrusted gift from Van Cleef: “It's new and it's blue, and the mother or the bridesmaids are supposed to do that for me! WAAAAAAAAAAAAH!" So you can understand my eyebrow raising here.

Don attempts to dance with Betty but she's just not that into him. And what makes her less interested is the appearance of a certain local politician with salt-and-pepper hair and a chiseled jaw.

Naturally, Betty ends up finding a way to see him, and ends up telling Don that she doesn't love him anymore. And finally, something has deflated the overconfident wind in Dreamy Don's sail.

The world may actually be ending.

Miz J, who works in advertising, is a regular contributor and resident expert on all things Mad Men. Check out her blog.

HOUSEWIVES' HASH

Seems Like Only Yesterday That Sheree Was Pulling Hair: Atlanta's Real Housewives Remember

NENE'S HAIR WAS FIERCE, FOR ONCE. SHEREE was elegant, Lisa was Farrah Fawcett, Kandi was a little extreme and Kim was…Kim.

The first part of The Real Housewives of Atlanta's reunion show revealed the new nature of these beeeeeeeeeee=yotchs.

After the event planner explosion, the Kim hair pulling incident, the dissing of Lisa's clothing line, I think Sheree has finally exposed her secret. She doesn't have to call Pookie. She is Pookie. I liked her collection but after many seasons of Project Runway, I agree with Lisa that it wasn't cohesive. And the only reason the train ran on time was through the hard work of the cool Dwight. She's so lucky HE's a professional and didn't take her diva bait.

I almost threw up at the montage of Kim yelling and screaming about how hot she is. And she's a 34D?!? I don't know about that. Maybe it's her cantaloupe-shaped implants that make me think she's a lot bigger.

We learn she's going to keep drinking, smoking and wearing those damn synthetic wigs.

Kandi talks about her breakup with AJ. Although he and Mom made up, it seems the friction between them flared up again. Hence, their breakup. Maybe it was too hasty anyway, less than a year.

I fill up when she breaks down when relating the phone call with the bad news, then going to the hospital and seeing the body.

I feel for ya Kandi. And it's nice to know that the cast was supportive.

Last season NeNe was nice ol' homegirl. This season she’s become Sheree 2. The world is against girlfriend.

She feels betrayed by Kim after she asked to sing on Tardy For The Party, then Kim reneges. Okay, I'd be hurt, but I'd like to think it wouldn't end with me and my friend accusing each other of physical violence towards each other.

And why wasn’t that meeting on camera? Then we'd know what really happened and stop hearing this tit for tat.

And I still think her telling Kim she couldn't make it a hit without her was so rude, and, well, look what happened. It speaks for itself, NeNe. And her disagreements with Kandi were just bizarre. If Kandi had choked her I may have applauded.

NeNe talked about her search for her father. We see a meeting in her hometown of Athens with a man who said he's her real father. She said he looked just like her son (true). He's an alcoholic so communication is going to be difficult. She's lucky to have husband Greg, who seems to want to always protect her. I feel the same way about her father reaching out to her, not her having to reach out to him. Tha’s such a difficult and complicated situation, family. And it’ll be good for her book.

Ahhh, making babies. Lisa and Ed - sex, sex, sex, baby, baby, baby. More babies and a smaller house. They’re losing Ed’s $3 million football salary and have to downside to a smaller abode. Smaller by their standard is a mansion on only 9 acres. You know, room for a guesthouse and pool.

It’s Ed's old bachelor pad. It’s intimated that downsizing may not have been just their decision but one by their mortgage holder.

We run through the hugs and kisses, the restaurant fights, NeNe's shit-talking, the screaming, the finger slapping, the throat grabbing. And, the lies!

Then, O God, the gosipping with Housewives from New York and Orange County at an awards ceremony. Rumors spread and feelings get hurt.

Even though police were called during their dust-up, Kim and NeNe have moved on and mended their relationship. O boy, it begins again. In other words, neither one of us want to kill this golden goose they’re riding into Titanium American Express cards.

We go back and forth with Kim's relationship with Big Poppa. Her surprise proposal with no mention of when he'll get divorced. I'm with you Sheree and NeNe: he's married and lives with his wife and children. Technically, he can't be engaged in the United States. The lightbulb supposedly, finally, went off in Kim's head that maybe this guy isn't serious. The wife knows, he slept with Kim 5 or 6 days a week, and she lives elsewhere. The housewives agree that Big Poppa is really into Kim. And to prove it, he comes to the set. We don't see him but host Andy Cohen remarks on the amorous embrace between the two. Kim's saved her money but is willing to shovel shit at Wendy's if she has to. To prove she's not a homebreaking mistress.

Sheree's says she thinks Kim's a mistress (hooker). Kim then goes on to describe the life of a mistress, not realizing she's describing her life. Whatever.

This week's reunion finale promises an appearance by Dwight Eubanks, my personal favorite Atlanta Housewife. And a performance of Tardy For The Party by Kim. Don't be late!

SexyChattyCatty is a regular contributor at CrabbyGolightly.com where she writes frequently on TV, America's favorite snack food.

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November 01, 2009

PAPA DON'T PREACH

Hey Pedro Martinez, Stick To Baseball Instead Of Smearing Yanks' Fans

LAST NIGHT THE YANKEES TOOK A TWO GAME LEAD OVER the Phillies with the help of the post-season's most seasoned pitcher, Andy Pettitte, who even got base hit and an RBI to tie the score in the fifth inning!

Final Score: Yanks 8, Phils 5. With Yanks ace CC Sabathia on the mound tonight, I predict the Yankees with take a three games to one lead.

For the sake of Pedro Martinez, I hope Philadelphians behave themselves.

On Thursday night, the Yankees evened up the 2009 World Series at a game a piece by squeaking out the Philadelphia Phillies 3-1 and handing a loss to their old rival, righty pitcher Martinez.

After the game, the oft-contemptible Martinez took a wide swipe at Yankees fans. No doubt this was his immature way of dealing with the loss.

Apparently Pedro had been heckled by a foul-mouthed Yankee fan who was spitting out expletives in front of his own daughter. Pedro took it upon himself to chastise the man.

That's fine, Pedro. Good for you. But, later on during a post-game press conference, you made it sound like this one obnoxious fan represents all Yankee fans!

Pedro's beef: "It's a new Yankee Stadium, but the fans remain the fans…like I remember one guy sitting right in front, in the front row, with his daughter… He had his daughter in one arm and a cup of beer in the other hand and saying all kinds of nasty stuff. I just told him, 'Your daughter is right beside you. It's a little girl. It’s a shame you’re saying all these things.'

"I had to stop and tell him because I'm a father myself, and God, how can you be so dumb to do those kinds of things in front of your child? What kind of example are you setting?"

Hello? There are approximately 19 million people in the Greater New York Metropolitian Area alone. We are an insurmountably diverse group, hailing from an immense variety of upbringings and cultural and financial backgrounds. For Martinez to single out this one schmuck at a press conference is ridiculous.

Why do it? Because he's smug, not man enough to just talk about the game itself and the fact that he lost, that's why.

I suppose the crowds at Philadelphia sporting events are much more wary of watching their mouths around minors then? Not so.

Two years ago when the NHL's Philadelphia Flyers met with the Washington Capitals in the first round of the playoffs, it was evident that Flyers fans weren't too fond of Capital's left wing Alexander Ovechkin. You could clearly hear, on live national television, Flyers' fans chanting "F**k Ovechkin! F**k Ovechkin!"

I'm pretty sure this rowdy bunch hadn't thought twice about the fact that there were kids in the arena.

Word out on the street this, Philledelphia fans do this kind of thing all the time. So, Pedro, it's fine if you want to tell one man to watch his mouth around his daughter, but don't group him in with the rest of us classy Yankee fans!

Peter Lawrence bustles down Broadway in an Empire state of mind. You can email him at PLawrenceNYC@gmail.com.

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