SPECIAL HALLOWEEN EDITION

Jon Gosselin's Apology: A Trick Or Treat?

JON GOSSELIN IS LIKE AN OPEN SORE THAT KEEPS on oozing.

Of course, we're speaking of the Jon that appears in tabloids and talk shows and "intimate" webcast confessionals. That's the only Jon I know.

I can't say what the real man's like behind closed doors; we have Hailey Glassman and Kate to tell us that.

And, surprise, surprise, this moy (my word for man-boy. See! You can make up words on the web!) is given toward emotional abuse and "mantrums". (Hailey makes words up too! We have a "connection!")

Jon's also given to hawking T-shirts, milk shakes, not wanting to be tardy for the party, and making young girls cry.

Then there's the other Jon, the dad who wants to protect his octo-brood from licentious TV producers, prays with Rabbis for celebrity redemption, and rues relationships that only feed the beasts.

"I am well aware that my behavior over the past few months has not always reflected my personal and religious values,'' Jon said in a wordy public apology released Thursday. "I further accept that I have allowed myself to become somewhat severed from my own moral anchor and be carried away by the challenges of fame."

The pudgy reality cable TV star goes on to says: "It is for this reason that I have endeavored of late to reconnect with my deeper, more spiritual, more altruistic self with regular study sessions and counseling."

Now this new Jon will explore his celebrity whoring sins with Rabbi Shmuley Boteach in a Sunday seminar entitled, Fame: Blessing or Curse?

"It is my sincere desire to use the fame I have so unexpectedly acquired to highlight mature, responsible behavior as well as the joys of fatherhood and family. I ask the public to please understand the challenges I face in living under constant public scrutiny, even as I am aware that I have at times courted that scrutiny."

He wraps things up with, "I could tell you that these steps are absolutely sincere and not intended for public consumption. But I know that ultimately I will be judged not by my words but my actions."

Never fear, Jon. We are breathlessly watching and waiting to pounce when you trip on your new-found "altruism." (Pssst? Wanna guess what his fee is for the seminar?)

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October 31, 2009

EQUAL OPPORTUNITY TOKENISM

A Rapping Ode To The 'Other' Man

RAPPER DUECE POPPI DON'T NEED NO MO FOS TELLING HIM WHO HE CAN PLAY WITH.

Especially when his 'white friends' got all the good weed, drive monster trucks and do wack things in outdoor bathtubs.

But always remember this, Duece? "Friends" won't leave you drunk and underneath a park bench. Cause cops won't look too kindly on a brother passed out with a bottle in his hands.

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October 30, 2009

LIP SMACKIN'

Go South, Young Man

"IABSOLUTELY LOVE AND LIVE FOR GOING DOWN ON GIRLS.

In fact, I probably enjoy it more than having sex. Yet I cannot seem to find any chicks that are down with that. What am I doing wrong? Why is it so hard for me to employ my tongue to its utmost potential? (If you have any friends who are looking for that -- even if that means no sex -- I am more than willing to take that offer." Signed, Starvin' in the Suburbs.

Dearest Starvin':

Your query is troubling. Many women lament the fact that their significant others feel ambivalent or repulsed by their nether-regions. Yet we have you, a reasonable man, with the opposite problem.

Can I just say, for whatever comfort it may offer, that I totally understand the draw to cunnalingus. (I love that word!) I'm realgood at giving, and even better at receiving. And while I probably would never turn down some sweet tongue-in', there are lots of women who will and do.

Sadly, many -- if not most -- girls are terrified of their pussy. Terrified. In the 21st century, I sometimes can't believe that such anxiety still exists, but it totally does.

We are trained to think we smell like rotting fish and taste even worse. Also, allow me to remind you of the terms used to describe penises: cock, dick, etc. Pretty non-descript, yes?

What do we women get? Beef curtains, bearded clam, ham wallet, etc.

We walk into the drugstore and are presented with ample options for scouring our contaminated vaginas. We can't walk past a "fish taco" stand without someone emitting a menacing snicker. Have I made my point? It's no wonder we have hang-ups! We are conditioned to feel disgusting. Also, many women are grossed out by the thought of our PJC (pussy juice cocktail. Thanks, 40-Year-Old Virgin!). We seem to forget that men's pesky pre-cum is not entirely dissimilar to the PJC (which, incidentally, I find to taste kind of like apricot!).

Other reasons this could be happening: She could be on her period. Which, honestly, is no biggie if she has a tampon in. But she could be freaked out by it and too embarrassed to tell you. Ain't no thang.

She could have not taken care of the pube sitch. If that's something that's important to her.

She may not feel like reciprocating, and has a guilty conscience about it. She may think you're a creep.

So here is your approach, friend: make her feel confident, beautiful, and secure. When it comes to eating pussy, we're not all Lil’ Kim. We're a little more apprehensive about how many licks it takes to get to the center of the… oh…ohhh!

Be patient and understanding. Think about how you'd feel after a lifetime of being told your rod is raunchy. You'd be pretty hesitant to thrust it into someone's face, too.

Also, buying her one or two drinks can't hurt. Although more than that is NOT good. You could have issues with her passing out during the act, or issues with consent after the fact. Which would defeat the purpose entirely.

General tips:

On a first date, unless some kind of verbal play has been presented to you, don't say "I wanna taste you." I don't know if it's just me, but that shit sounds like Hannibal Lector.

Make sure you're doing it right. There are so many ways to go down on girls…Flat tongue, pointed tongue, tongue in the vadge (which I, personally, have never understood), with vibes, without vibes, without fingers, with fingers, with finger(s) in the butt, up and down, side to side, in a circular motion.

The only way to know what each person likes is to ASK. Don't be shy.

You're a good man. You'll find a delicious, nutritious, willing, and able lady-friend. When you are turned down in the hunt, don't take it personally. Just be honest and genuine, that's what’s really sexy. And keep your chin up. (But not TOO much…remember, stubbly facial hair can hurt the vadge.)

With love, Avoine Sauvage.

What's your pleasure? Got a problem? Write to Avoine at AvoineSauvage@CrabbyGolightly.com

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GROSS-OLOGY

Ghoulish Food For Halloween Fun

ONCE A YEAR WE GIVE OURSELVES PERMISSION TO FLIRT WITH DANGER, RELEASE OUR INNER MONSTERS, AND GORGE ON GUM AND CANDY.

Thank God for Halloween!

This year's spookfest falls on Saturday, making costume parties de rigueur along with trick-or-treating and horror movie marathons.

Because we couldn't resist, here's a list of the most ghoulish treats we could dig up on the web. Above is a Monster Meat Loaf, creation of Megan at Not Martha.org. We like her style and want to crash her parties!

Related: Halloween Is Killer

CHEWY GOODNESS

DO YOU GET THE SENSE you're being watched? Perhaps you're just a bit unnerved by the plate of eyeballs situated nearby. This dish is the creation of Britta, Webmistress of the Dark!, who has an entire website of Halloween recipes. We're guessing she's a Scorpio.

EDIBLE UNDEAD

THE PERFECT FOIL TO DISTRACT THE UNDEAD, this Zombie cake will allow human guests to evade hungry flesheaters. The cake is an oldie but goodie, so to speak, on the web, and is the creation of Barbara Jo at DoItMyself.org. She named it Orville after "the dead guy in Children Shouldn't Play with Dead Things." We presume the oven wasn't part of the dish.

HEADS WINS

THESE WHITE CHOCOLATE SKULLS make delicious conversation for partygoers! They come from the kitchen of the Kathy Cano-Murillo, aka The Crafty Chica, and have been featured on the awesome blog MentalFloss. Check her --and it -- out.

LIQUID HORROR

WE DOUBT THAT IMBIBING BRAIN PARTS will make your guests any smarter (most likely, on the contrary) but if you're going to the trouble of pretending your a vampire or monster, you may as well go all out and drink body parts. This repulsive fantasy comes via Geekologie. Drink up, and enjoy the horrors.

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October 29, 2009

COMPETING WITH KNIVES

What Whine Goes With Portman? A Top Chef Recap

THE CHEFS HAVE RECOVERED FROM LAST WEEK''S THE BRUTAL EXPERIENCE OF Restaurant Wars and they are ready to face another day, cook another meal and one-up each other.

For the Quickfire Challenge, guest judge Paul Bartolotta will decide which chef makes the best revision of a classic TV dinner based on a TV show.

The shows are The Sopranos, M*a*s*h, Seasame Street, Cheers, The Flintstones, Gilligan's Island and Seinfeld.

Jen struggles with her Flinstones dish but then again she always struggles.

Mike I. has never laid eyes on a Seinfeld episode so he doesn't know to serve boxed "cereal" or scrambled "diner food." He serves a pretty plate that has nothing to do with the show.

Kevin and Bryan have the best dishes but Kevin wins the challenge with his Sopranos-inspired meatballs with polenta, roasted cauliflower and roasted pear dish. (Yum, pretend mobsters eat well!)

I'm certain Mike V. aches for his brother but is also glad that Bryan can't rub the win in his face with a victory dance.

For the Elimination Challenge, the chefs take over Craftsteak at MGM Grand.

The surprise guest for this challenge is the beautiful and talented Natalie Portman.

Natalie says she's a foodie, she's adventurous and oh yeah, she's a vegetarian.

You can hear the chefs' hearts break.

Their chance to cook in a steak house, explore all cuts of meat, yet, they might as well pull some carrots on a farm.

The chefs scramble to the kitchen and re-work every meat-loving dish they had in mind.

Robin's up first with a stuffed squash blossom, beet carpaccio, fresh garbanzo brans and chermoula. The judges think it's too salty. Natalie tries to be nice by saying it's a beautiful-looking dish.

Eli makes a confit of eggplant, lentils, garlic puree, and radish salad. Natalie loves the salad and Gail Simmons of Food and Wine love the texture of the eggplant.

Mike V. wows everyone with his Asparagus salad, Japanese tomato sashimi and banana polenta.

Jen struggles again to make a charred baby eggplant, braised fennel, tomatoes and verjus nage dish.

Jen puts sauce on everyone's plate and shakes the whole time. The judges notice but still enjoy her dish. Jen didn't need to struggle to stay on top this week.

Mike I. throws together a whole roasted leeks with onion jus, baby carrot puree and fingerling potatoes.

Even though Natalie loves leeks and purple is her favorite color, it isn't enough to improve the taste of Mike's dish.

Bryan let time beat him and serves his artichoke barigoule, confit of shallot, wild asparagus and fennel puree dish with missing carrots. Everyone enjoys the playfulness of the dish.

Later Mike V. lets his dear brother know it was okay that he didn't serve it… it was too greasy!

Kevin makes a hearty dish of mushrooms and smoked kale, candied garlic and turnip puree. Natalie thinks it's a manly dish and she says she doesn't feel like she was missing anything by not eating meat.

The best chefs are Kevin, Michael and Eli. And the winner of the challenge is -- Kevin.

That's right Voltaggio brothers, Kevin beat you both! Mike V. hisses that he could do Kevin's dish faster and better, that it was something he learned how to make his second year of apprenticeship. Bryan would have thought it was too greasy anyway so suck it up Mike!

The losers of the challenge are Jen, Robin and Mike I.

And to make Mike V. happy, he's now the only Mike in the competition. Mike I. packs his knives and goes home.

Six chefs remain in the battle for Top Chef, and the V. brothers are still butting heads, Jen's still floundering and Robin's hanging on by her fingertips.

Just a few weeks left till the finalists are announced. Who are you voting for?

Nicki R. is a Southern girl living in the big city of Chicago. She loves quiet evenings a home watching horror films with her dogs Jezebelle and Zombie. Check out her blog, Hey, Look Behind You!

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WHY YANKS ARE DANDY

Three Simple Reasons Why Yankees Rule Over "Frillies"

WE HERE IN THE BIG APPLE ARE FINALLY HAPPY TO BE IN A REAL WORLD SERIES AGAIN -- MEANING ONE THAT THE YANKS ARE IN.

After all, what's a World Series without the Yankees? Heck, we've played in nearly half of them.

But against Philadelphia?

Only once.

In 1950.

And we beat the cream cheese out of them in a 4-0 sweep.

So how do we feel? Well, we're not sweating too hard. Let's break it down to the top three reasons why the Yankees are better than the "Frillies":

No. 1: The name.

A Yankee is an inhabitant of the United States, specifically from the North. A Philly is someone from Philadelphia. So, you guys are Philladelphians who are specifically from Philadelphia then… or…something? The team name is a redundancy, and that's almost as dumb your mascot.

No. 2: The Philly Phanatic. Some sort of cross between a Muppet, a koosh ball, and a Victrola, this sophomoric creature is so pathetically minor league it's not even funny. In New York, we keep the crowd entertained by playing baseball.

No. 3: The players.


Forget about the bloated payroll. That point is moot. The Yankees are classy guys.

Say what you want about Derek Jeter (and most of it is said out of jealousy), the guy is a level-headed, well-spoken gentleman who plays the game with unprecedented grace.

And skip the blarney about us "buying a championship." Four of our most storied players --Jeter, Jorge Posada, Mariano Rivera and Andy Pettitte -- were drafted by Yankees scouts and brought up through our farm system.

Sure, we've got big names with big contracts, but these guys have a team spirit you don't find everywhere in the Majors. They don't have a single player with a big mouth and a "look at me" attitude.

But Phillies' shortstop Jimmy Rollins feels the need to beat his chest and make outrageous predictions about the series' outcome.

On the other side, practically every interview with the "controversial" Alex Rodriquez sees him adoring his teammates and emphasizes taking things one game at a time. And let's not even begin to talk about how much of an a**hole Pedro Martnez is.

My Prediction: Yanks take Phillies in six games.

Peter Lawrence bustles down Broadway in an Empire state of mind. You can email him at PLawrenceNYC@gmail.com.

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October 28, 2009

TALKING SMACK

New York Post Previews Phillies-Yank Smackdown

BRING YOUR BANDAIDS AND YOUR WIPEES TO THE World Series opener Wednesday night 'cause New York and Philly fans are ready to rumble.

New York started it when the city's fishwrapper lobbed the first verbal bombs in an article headlined, "Frillies are coming to town!"

It took three provocateurs posing as journalists to rattle Phillies' fans batting cages with cliched digs about Rocky, bad fans and cheesesteaks (which they mistakenly called hoagies -- a separate and distinct sandwich -- unless you're order a "cheesesteak hoagie.") Then they insulted Philly fans' collective fashion sense, quoting some Joe Blow who thinks Philadelphians "should try reading GQ." Which totally blew the gasket of Philly Thug on fishwrap's comment board.

"I just threw booze on my computer after reading this cr@p…congrats on being better dressed…you f'in kidding me…we're taking this to the streets…too bad you'll have blood all over your cute shirt."

The dig to the city's threads also ticked off PhillyPhantastico, who wrote, "We should learn how to dress by reading GQ? Are you metrosexually serious? And by the way, first thing I saw when arriving in Manhattan was an old lady urinating into a storm drain on a street (first light after Lincoln Tunnel). Nice town."

The fugly went on for 168 pages of name-calling, during which people's mommas, girlfriends, and IQs were slandered.

"What does philly have to offer?," commented Classless. "Fat guys in Guinni T's slopping cheez wiz covered steaks all over themselves as their chest spaghetti and gold madalian's (sic) shine in the sun. C'mon man let's be serious here for a second. You are the Arm Pit of the East Coast. Nothing good comes out of Philly, or lives in Philly. Place is a dump.''

But NY=Toilet was having none of it.

"There I was…taking my morning constitutional and what do I see; a NY Post on the bathroom floor. Its funny…that's the only place I have ever seen the NY Post outside of the newsstands. Not knowing what that paper was soaking up, I waited to go online.…I had no idea New York had such an inferiority complex when it came to Philadelphia."

That's not quite how Chitowncat saw things: "What a horrible place to live. Just nasty…desperadoes. Taking up space on the the planet. Their city s*cks, their food s*cks. A-Rod, win, and with bonus money donate a few treadmills! "

And though his moniker suggested he was from another city, Chitowncat was prolific in his insults against Philadelphians. When Betty Cunicelli wrote that "the Best team in the world, the PHILADELPHIA PHILLIES, are going to twist the NY Yankees around like a Philadelphia pretzel,'' you could practically feel the spittle from his, "Pretzel…that's all ya got? lame. gotta come on a NY website to be noticed. LOSER. IN LIFE…YIKES, TREADMILL, PLEASE. ANOTHER, CHEESE STEAK FOR THE FAT BETTY.

To which ChokeArtists09 responded, "The women of NY have more facial hair than Jason Werth and Eric Bruntlett combined."

And phillyrunsNYC lectured, "The Philly philosophy is to treat people with respect unless they disrespect you. Once they get out of line they get dealt with. That's the difference between Philly and Noo Yawk. In Noo Yawk you can go around talking trash and then if someone says something you don't like you run home and cry to mommy about it."

At the crux of the verbal slam-dancing was the smug superiority of New Yorkers and the scrappy earnestness of Philadelphians. "New York is ALL TALK whereas Philly is AS REAL AS IT GETS," wrote one Philly fan.

"Rocky is a way of life in Philly!,'' wrote dentite11. "Work hard and you will be rewarded, thats how we do it. It's kind of the same as how the new yorkers praise Bernie Madoof. Cheat and you will be rich for a while, then burn in hell.

"The fact of the matter is, the Yankees are BAD for the sport of baseball,'' said Philly4Life. "They are the roided-out version of a team. They throw ridiculous amounts of money at free agents and pretty much buy their championships. They are a tabloid team that feels like a championship ring is more of a fashion statement than an actual accomplishment."

And so it went, with even one Philly fan threatening to bring the Yanks "down like the World Trade Centers!!" (Boo for bad taste in digs!)

Then there was the mock solemness of one Rev. Dudley Doright who admonished New York fans:

"Brothers and sisters, take heed: The Good Book warns us that 'Pride comes before a fall and a haughty spirit before destruction. Please be more humble or else the good Lord my have to teach us a lesson. Be gracious to our visiting friends from Philadelpia. (sic) …Try not to act like the reprobates you are. Repent of your sins. Send the Reverend a generous offering and the Lord may smile on this under-producing, overpaid team that couldn't hit a bull in the butt with a bass fiddle. "

And the Reverend once again spoketh to his virtual flock: "It looks like this thing is going to get out of hand real quick. I'm thinking about getting together with Reverend Al and Jesse and maybe having a "Peace! Love Your Neighbor From Philadelphia Rally." Maybe even contact the Brother President to appoint a Peace Czar to come up and work with us.

"Brothers, we can't let this thing get out of hand because the Good Book says: Be ye kind. Love one another (even if he comes from Philadelphia). We gotta do it on else we're going to stepping in bad karma with every step we take."

But no one commented on the Reverend's words.

Get ready for the battle.

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STREET BRAWL

Gritty Showdown: Phillies Faces Off Against Yanks In World Series

ALTHOUGH I'M LUCKY ENOUGH TO LIVE IN A TOWN SATURATED IN MAJOR SPORTS TEAMS (Phillies, Sixers, Flyers, Eagles), I'm a fair-weather fan.

I notice when they're winning and ignore them when they're not. I attended my first game at the ballpark just last year - - free tickets. And, yeah, it's true, the game is more interesting in person, but not much.

But who can ignore the chants of "Repeat, repeat, repeat."

This city, still on a high on last year's Series win, is now bordering on delirium. National League champions again? It's pretty unbelievable. Going up against the YANKEES in the World Series. Who woulda believed it? Everybody seems to be in red, whether it's Phillies gear or not.

My bosses first question at our weekly Tuesday morning meeting yesterday? -- "Who here is a Yankees fan?" One knucklehead raises his hand but he just likes attention.

There are fan Facebook fights. The politicians are betting cheesesteaks against cheesecake. Stores are popping up in previously empty storefronts selling everything Phillies. Modell's and Forman Mills are making a killing.

The front page of yesterday's New York Post shows a Phillie in a skirt and calls them Frillies. How rude.

The Philadelphia Inquirer’s front page headline --""Yankee’s Are The Best For Phils Fans To Hate." It's tabloid sister, The Daily News -- "Red, Hot And Sexy: Women Say the 2009 Phillies Steal Their Hearts."

Every newscast begins and ends with the story. Philly folks are already arriving in New York for Wednesday's opener. Philly newscasters, in head-to-toe red, interview Yankee fans and try to get them to trade their Yankee blue caps for Phillies red.

Yankee fans were talking smack, as if THEY won last year.

One guy said he hopes the Yankees win in Philadelphia. There's no way that can happen. The team has already told fans to be as LOUD as they can be. And Philly sports fans are already loud.

There are a lot of New Yorkers living in Philly but they sure are low-key. We're only an hour away, have lower housing costs and in some neighborhoods, a similar vibe. I haven't seen a Yankee cap in months and pity the fool who wears one now.

On a down note SEPTA is threatening a strike by the end of the week. They've been working without a contract since March and couldn't pick a better time to threaten a shutdown. Many folks from the city and the suburbs take the subway to the Citizens Bank Park stadium. It’s cheaper, easier and hell, it's fun to be with a bunch of folks on the same mission.

A Tommy Bayiokos boasts that "the Yankees are going to make Philly cream cheese out of them."

Here's some advice, New Yawkers: Don't cream in your pants yet.

Forget your Empire state of mind. Philly's ready for the gritty shakedown.

SexyChattyCatty is a regular contributor at CrabbyGolightly.com where she writes frequently on TV, America's favorite snack food.

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Did Barack Obama Help Break Another Racial Barrier?

By Natalie Melendez

JUST AHEAD OF THE HOLIDAY SHOPPING SEASON, MATTEL HAS LAUNCHED ITS NEWEST LINE OF SO IN STYLE BARBIES, also known as the 'Black Barbie.'

I'm not talking about the the Black Barbie I grew up with that was the standard Nordic-featured Barbie dyed brown.

So In Style Barbie has darker skin, and fuller nose and lips, according to Stacey McBride, the doll's designer. In other words, this stylin' sister actually looks African Americans.

"They look like people where we live," said Nikki Wright, 12, of East Harlem.

That's the point, according to the doll's designer. "I want them to see themselves within these dolls, and let them know that black is beautiful," McBride told the Associated Press.

The So In Style line features Barbie and friends Grace, Trichelle and Kara (who rocks a silver bling-bling chain as part of her attire).

In order to promote a mentoring theme, each doll is accompanied by a little sister doll who shares her interests, hence the clever acronym for the line, "S.I.S."

While the new dolls don't please all of the people, the most appropriate response to Mattel's new line is -- it's about fucking time!

It's taken Mattel 50 years after the birth of Barbie to launch its first line of Black dolls, excluding Christie, the white-washed African American counterpart to Barbie or Mattel's ill-fated collaboration with Nabisco, the Oreo Fun Barbie. (Pulled from shelves for obvious reasons.)

So far, reviews have been mixed, reflecting the real divide between African Americans over "black hair"; some say the dolls have unrealistically straight hair. "Black mothers who want their girls to love their natural hair have an uphill battle and these dolls could make it harder," says Sheri Parks, an associate professor of American Studies at the University of Maryland.

Only two of the S.I.S. dolls have curly hair. Mattel, of course, kindly offers a hair-straightening kit for an additional $24.99.

The new dolls comes just weeks before the Nov. 25 release of the anticipated release of The Princess and the Frog, Disney's first movie with an African American princess.

It's taken Barack Obama to win the presidency for Mattel and Disney to feel they've gotten the green light to "go black." I guess that's a step in the right direction, albeit an embarrassingly-belated one.

Natalie Melendez is a work in progress. She lives in California, where she spends her time studying, writing and roasting chestnuts by the fire. You can email her here..

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October 27, 2009

SCARY STUFF

10 Essential Tips For Surviving Halloween Movie Night

TOO AFRAID TO VENTURE OUT ON HALLOWEEN? Stay in for scary fun: host a Halloween TV night.

SyFy is running a Ghost Hunters marathon from 9am to 3am.

Or watch old school horror movies from 1930s to the 1970s on Turner Classic Movies. This year's lineup includes Cat People at 5:30pm (Eastern), Dr. Jeckyll and Mr. Hyde at 8:30pm and The Body Snatcher at 11:15pm.

AMC is my go-to channel during the Halloween season, whose offerings range from modern classic to cult. This year's lineup includes:

☠ Gene Wilder's Young Frankenstein at 7:30am;

☠ John Carpenter's Halloween at noon (followed by Halloween 4 and Halloween 5!);

and ☠ George Romero's Night Of The Living Dead at 6 and 8:15pm.

For family movies, watch ABC Family, which wraps up its 13 Days of Halloween with Hocus Pocus Wednesday (Oct. 28th), Scooby Doo movies Thursday and Friday, and Batman Returns on Halloween.

And to get you in the spirit, here's my 10 essential lessons for surviving horror movies.

10: Root for the good person. The bitch, the jerk, and everyone alike won't make it to the end.

9: Never forget that zombies must be killed by destroying the brain; vampires are killed by decapitation, sunlight or a stake in the heart; werewolves are done in by silver bullets or killing their human self. Ghosts should be handled by priests or paranormal experts. Monsters are tricky: some may have their own special way to be killed but the generally shooting them, setting them on fire, even stabbing them until they are a pile of mush should do the trick. Burn the remains.

8: It doesn't matter if you're in high school, college or if you're 50 years old. If you bully someone to the point of public humiliation, they'll snap and get revenge on you.

7: Don't touch foreign objects, don't taunt ghosts, don't read anything from an old book out loud. If you do any of these, I guarantee you it will end badly.

6: If something out of the ordinary is after you, a monster, vampire, even a clown, if you're going to call the cops, tell them it's a fire or something normal. The police won't rush out to your frantic call about zombies trying to break in your house. You'll get a quicker response telling them you're being burgled.

5: Never drop your weapon. I can't count the number of times I've seen a horror movie when a character thinks they killed the killer/monster, drop their weapons and enjoy a sigh of relief. Too bad just moments after the killer/monster pops up again and the character is forced to run instead of re-using the weapon again.

4: When confronted by the killer, don't run and hide, kick some ass! (But only if it's not carrying a gun or chainsaw.) If the killer is a male you know the number one spot to go for. Kick, punch, go for the win! If the killer has you from behind, try head butting, sticking your fingers in his eyes, anything to get them down long enough to steal their weapon and take them out!

3: Never vacation in the woods or a secluded area: It's an open invitation to psychos and cannibal hillbillies. But, if you must spend time in a cabin, be prepared. Visit the place a day or two ahead in the daylight. See if your cell phone works, find out how far the nearest police station is and how long it would take you to walk or run there. Check the news for missing person reports in that area. If there's a lot, reschedule your stay. Check the roads to see if you car can get through without getting stuck in any mud. Stock up on flash lights, flares and spare tires. Inform family members and friends where you are, how long you'll be there and check in with them throughout your trip.

2: Any booze consumed must not be followed by driving. It doesn't matter if you've had a sip. In the world of horror movies, you will hit someone. You'll either have to cover up your crime so you won't get caught will booze on your breath. Or you'll fess up but know an angry family member will throw on a mask and hunt you down.

1: If you have sex on Halloween, make sure the person you are having sex with is your partner or someone you know well. Sex with a stranger can lead to waking up in a tub with your kidneys gone. If you have sex with your BFF's significant other, anticipate a murderous rage. Their actions will be on par with the angry people on Cheaters who throw axes instead of fists.

Happy Halloween! And don't forget the candy.

Nicki R. is a Southern girl living in the big city of Chicago. She loves quiet evenings a home watching horror films with her dogs Jezebelle and Zombie. Check out her blog, Hey, Look Behind You!

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WITH THESE BILLIONS I THEE WED

Ivanka Trump Marries Jared Kushner

DOESN'T SHE LOOK LOVELY AS A PRESBYTERIANMASHJEWISH BRIDE?

Donald Trump's female mini me Ivanka married her publishing beau Jared Kushner at a New Jersey golf course Sunday, merging their families' collective green power to $5 billion, according to Forbes and Mediaite figures. (Or $8 billion, depending on whose figures you believe.)

The bride, 27, wore white Vera Wang, naturally. The groom, a sleek black tux, crooked bow-tie and receding hairline. The father of the bride gave the understated (and not fit for reality TV) toast: "Be happy and enjoy your life."

The bride is daughter of a real estate magnate and TV boss; the groom is publisher of the New York Observer and son of a once-jailed New York real estate scion.

The couple were married in a private Jewish ceremony; the bride is believed to have converted to Judaism for his family.

Like any good archetypical society couple, Ivanka and Jared will honeymoon in Africa, where Ivanka will keep us abreast of any marauding wildebeasts or feasting lions through Twitter.

Because these two know better than most that branding and social media mean everything to an upwardly-climbing New York couple.

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October 26, 2009

WAYWARD

Mad Men Monday: The Gypsy & The Hobo

CLEARY, THIS SEASON IT'S ALL ABOUT DON.

BUT FIRST ABOUT ME. I started tonight off with a delicious glass of wine. Swigging in anticipation, I may have had too much, but that's okay. It worked in nicely with the whole poor-me plot that the writers are working tonight on all fronts.

Don has chosen to continue this affair with Suzanne, Sally's teacher. And with Betty off to Gene's house to begin the process of selling it, he's got free reign to do what he wants, including taking off for a long weekend of extra credit.

Of course, Betty's still got all this rage bottled up from her discovery during last week's episode, and she consults the family lawyer in confidence about it, much to her brother's chagrin. Is it me, or does that guy just escalate every tiny little thing into a world war?

She packs it all up and comes home early, and you'd expect that Don would get caught here, since he's stopped in at the house for a minute to pack a few shirts.

"Stay here," he wisely tells Suzanne, and she crouches down below the passenger side door so that she doesn't look guilty as hell or anything.

Betty is home, and she is PISSED. So Don tries to smooth it out by saying he has a client dinner and just stopped home to feed the dog and get a few shirts (not that far from the truth, and yet, worlds away). Betty doesn't give a fuck where he's supposed to be, though, and I slur into my wine glass, "Yoush go, gurl." Because she wanted ANSWERS, dammit, and she got 'em. Don told her his whole sordid history (minus all the adultery, because you have to play to your audience).

The whole time they're hashing this out, I keep thinking, "Is that teacher chick STILL in the CAR?" She totally was. She waited like, hours before walking away, which makes the whole thing that much more pathetic. It's like some teenage puppy love thing where she thinks she's the only one who "gets" him. Sorry, girl, but that's Betty's spiel, so unless you're bringing something new to the table, you're getting written out of the plot.

At Sterling Cooper, Roger's old flame has come to him for help. Her brand of dog food had been lambasted in a Clark Gable film, and now no one will feed the horse meat laden entree to their dogs (even though horse meat, in 1963, was a staple in any top-of-the-line dog food brand). Since this sort of thing is terribly boring to everyone involved (especially us viewers), she convinces Roger to take her out for old times' sake. She's a recent widow, and is clearly looking to rekindle something with an uninterested Roger. He's so smitten with Jane that he passes up the opportunity and pisses off a client -- something that can get a lesser man whose title ISN'T on the door, like Sal, canned.

But Roger has the power to hire and fire both employees and clients, so it isn't surprising to see both the client come around and an ass-kicker like Joan to call, looking for references and/or work.

Unbeknownst to everyone because of Joan's cool façade, Greg's been so unhappy that it’s all rubbing off on her. As Greg’s moping gets worse, Joan eventually gets so mad that she slaps him upside the (perfectly combed, Ken doll-esque) head with a vase. Personally, I wish Don had kept a vase in his office -- using it in this way during her rape would have been more advisable.

Regardless, Greg eventually apologizes and tells Joan he's come up with the perfect solution: he'll join the Army as a surgeon. I actually stopped guzzling Riesling for a few minutes to utter "Aw, CRAP." Which was the right reaction, judging from the look on Joan’s face -- a crestfallen, impossible-to-hide FROWN.

And since nearly everyone is frowning again this week, I’m gonna go recharge with another glass of Riesling. And why not? It works for these guys.

Miz J, who works in advertising, is a regular contributor and resident expert on all things Mad Men at Crabby Golightly.

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GOLDEN HAZE

50 Years Of Cool: The Mini Cooper

50 THE NEW BLACK?

That might be wishful thinking for the Boomers approaching their Golden Anniversary.

But there's a pethora of people, places and things born in 1959 that will be revered long after they've passed on:

Michael Jackson, Flavor Flav, Barbie, The Twilight Zone, the Guggenheim Museum, Alaska, the three-point seat belt, and Miles Davis' Kind of Blue all arrived in this world five decades ago.

Joining that pop panthenon is BMW's Mini Cooper, voted the second most influential car of the 20th Century, only losing to Ford's Model T.

The company celebrated its 50th with a "Through The Ages" ad campaign produced by Am I Collective and Blackriver FC agency that featured typographic elements representing the five decades. They followed that print ad with a video that says nothing about the Mini but sure as hell touches on the short, strange trip the world's traveled since 1959.

Nostalgia looks most gorgeous when captured with a graphic lens. Thanks for the ride, Mini.

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October 24, 2009

Cosmo Tangles Sex With Silliness & Stereotype

PURELY FOR RESEARCH PURPOSES, I PERUSED COSMOPOLITAN'S website today. I was reminded what utter trash that magazine produces and perpetuates: the hetero-normative gender roles, the watered-down and hyped-up rhetoric, the clichéd bullshit that dim-witted readers relish. And I was reminded of the sheer lunacy that is inherent with any "Sex Position of the Day" archive.

Allow me to explain: I appreciate what Cosmo (and creators of Sex Position books and calendars, etc.) is trying to accomplish. I get it. Sometimes sex needs to be spruced up. A new little swivel can go a long way, and for folks who don't necessarily swim in sexy thoughts, the task of conjuring up new ideas can be daunting. But scripted moves are, well, scripted. And usually they are problematic and/or unrealistic, if not just totally unoriginal and unenlightening.

Perhaps my number one issue with these "creative" position guides is what I call the Boner Kill. Exhibit A: the Electric Slide. First item -- her ass would have to be WAY higher, hips folded more tightly to even conceive of this position. How is he sitting back so far with his cock still inside her…Huh?

Exhibit B: The X-Rated. (Lame name!) How the fuck is a boner supposed to fold like that? Last time I checked, when dudes get hard, their peens point UP. Any time I've tried to get one into a position as unnatural as this, there is usually some serious discomfort on the guy's end. It seems almost as difficult as touching my nipples behind my back. Just not happ'nin.

Another problematic one is the Erotic Accordion, which essentially puts the woman into the most unflattering position imaginable, a bowed-back that would give Kate Moss belly rolls.

The Erotic Accordion also looks like it would just suck, generally.

Yet another is the Passion Pretzel, which requires you and your partner to be perfectly proportioned to each other in the height department. Very unlikely.

With a knack for establishing laughably unrealistic standards for its readers, Cosmo alienates everyone who does not have a private swimming pool at his or her disposal. (Not that what they suggest you do in water is even minutely different from what they suggest you do on land!) And also, do you have an inner tube just lying around? Live on a large uncrowded lake with a big foam raft? No? Well, if you did, Cosmo would have had the ultimate moves for you. But let’s say that you have a canoe, and that you get hot'n'bothered while in that canoe. Never fear, sweet thing, for Cosmo has got a REAL exciting position for you. Spooning! Have you heard of it? I, personally, had no idea that I needed to be counseled on spooning, doggy-style, and basic shower fucking.

Do any of the positions look the same? Hmm, maybe that's because they are. And also, evidently black people like to do it on chairs -- who knew? Seriously, not a single African-American couple depicted until lap dances come into the picture. And are there any mixed-race couples shown fucking? Der, nope.

Cosmopolitan also assumes that all of its readers are in top physical condition and able to pull of moves such as The Lusty Lean and Head-Over-Heels. Yikes. No amount of Pilates can prepare a human body for some of that shit.

So, keep twerkin' it, readers. Do your best to keep it interesting, defaulting to magazines only when absolutely necessary. And if all else fails, please, by all means, spin around like a propeller, because we all know how suave THAT is. Thanks, Cosmo, for your bountiful and pertinent advice on all things sex.

Yours truly, Avoine.

What's your pleasure? Got a problem? Write to Avoine at AvoineSauvage@CrabbyGolightly.com

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October 22, 2009

COMPETING WITH KNIVES

Food Fight: A Top Chef Recap

TONIGHT IS HARDCORE FOODIES' DELIGHT: RESTAURANT WARS!

Working in teams, the chefs create a mock restaurant for the judges. It's the most anticipated -- and heavily critiqued -- challenge of the season.

First off, the Quickfire challenge. Judge Rick Moonen tests the teams in a cook-off. Each chef must create one dish in 10 minute without speaking to one other. And to turn up the heat, the chefs not cooking wear blindfolds so they can't see what their teammate is doing.

The winners of this challenge: the Blue Team with Jennifer, Mike I., Laurine, and Kevin with a sablefish with sauteed mushrooms, shiitake broth and radish salad. embarrasses herself by mistaking the sablefish for cod but she rebounds nicely with the win.

The Blue Team gets the option of winning a combined $10,000 or to "let it ride," awarding each team member 10 grand if they win the contest. They're in Vegas, baby, so they are smart and greedy and choose to let it ride!

The teams get together to discuss who's doing what. Mike V. tells brother Bryan V. knocked down his dessert choice.

The Red Team: The V bros., Eli and Robin chose the name "Revolt" for their restaurant. Which is dumb because suggesting your food is "revolting" doesn't make long lines out form out doors. Eli takes the reins in working front of the house to represent the restaurant.

Their menu includes: Chicken and calamari "pasta", smoked arctic char, duo of beef, cod and billi-bi sauce, pear pithivier and chocolate ganache.

Dessert has always derailed dreams in Top Chef history. The Red Team swears to break that curse.

The Blue Team name their restaurant "Mission" and choose Laurine as their frontman. Their menu: Asparagus and six minute egg, artic char tartare, bouillabaisse consomme, seared trout, pork three ways and lamb with carrot jam.

When the restaurants open, patrons are confused what "Revolt" has to do with the dishes. The judges aren't too happy with the name either. Eli brings out each dish and explains what they are. He browbeats the chefs to get everything out on time. Mike V. snaps at Bryan's about his dish timing and spars with Robin over plating, but she just argues around him.

The judges enjoy the meal and move on to Mission. The first thing they notice is there is no dessert on the menu. They secretly want to run back to Revolt to order some to go. Laurine delivers their dishes then disappears. She explains nothing and ducks out whenever there's a hint of trouble. Miffed, the judges revolt and pick the Red Team as winner. Mike V. pockets 10 grand and immediately decrees that he wants to split it with the team. This dish is called "compensation" among shrinks. But Bryan falls on his knife and refuses his share to protest his brother's bad kitchen manners.

Though Tom Colicchio deems " best Restaurant Wars restaurant" in six seasons, the Mission team gets reamed. Jennifer's seafood seemed undercooked, Kevin's lamb dish was too chewy and Laurine's front-of-the-house "presence" was lacking. Laurine gets sent packing.

Robin earned her stay this week with her dessert, and the V. brothers are closer to stabbing each other with forks.

Next week brings dish Natalie Portman as guest judge. Can't wait!

Nicki R. is a Southern girl living in the big city of Chicago. She loves quiet evenings a home watching horror films with her dogs Jezebelle and Zombie. Check out her blog, Hey, Look Behind You!

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A DREAM REALIZED

He's Achieved Success! Richard Heene Becomes A National Punchline

THE ADAGE "BE CAREFUL WHAT YOU WISH FOR" SHOULD BE tattooed on Richard Heene's forehead. That way when he's scheming another cocamamie grab for fame he'll be reminded of his misadventure.

Here's your infamy, Richard.

In addition to the BalloonBoyGame.com, you can hear rap songs about Falcon's faux predicament, buy Balloon Boy T-shirts, and even Photoshop your own virtual helium balloon hoax.

Richard, you can now die satisfied that you've won our attention.

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October 21, 2009

UNWITTING TO THE PARTY

What The Gosselin & Heene Kids Have In Common

HIS MOTIVES MAY BE UNPURE, BUT JON GOSSELIN'S SPITEFUL HALT OF FILMING of Kate Plus Eight may be the luckiest thing to happen to those kids.

Hours after TLC dropped Jon's name off its ratings-winner, the reality TV dad sought a cease and desist order that suspended production of the show.

The unlikely ladies' man said on Larry King Live that he had an "epiphany" that raising his children on television wasn't good for them. The only thing more surprising than Jon using such a big word? For once, he's probably right.

Now Kate Gosselin, whose image has been buffed a bit with her husband's post-separation shenanigans, tells Vanity Fair that the kids are suffering withdrawal from the spotlight.

"Actually, times eight, there was wailing and sobbing," Kate told the magazine. "They love our crew, they love the interaction, they love the events. There is nothing harmful about it."

And that may be true, except that we can't rely on Kate to be the one to see things differently.

Life has changed physically and materially for the Gosselins since opening their lives up to broadcasting. But in exchange, they've sold their rights to normalcy, a decision their kids had no part in, and the repercussions of which they are too young to understand.

"Sadly," says former Us Weekly editor Janice Min, "I think the only thing we can be sure of now is 10, 15 years down the road, the E! True Hollywood story: The Gosselin Kids."

Ditto for the three Heene sons whose celebrity-crazed father Richard coerced them into lying on nationwide TV. WTF was he thinking? In a word: dollars.

Now there's pressure from the public to rescue these kids from their own parents.

"The kids were practically blinking out hostage messages during the family's press conferences last week,'' commented one media observer. "After being used Thursday -- as the whole world watched, fearing Falcon was dead -- they were forced to endure even more media Friday."

Together, these two families may accomplish something child advocates have sought for years: tighter limitations on how children are exploited by TV. Let's hope some good comes out of their misspent youths.

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CHILD ABUSED

Now Comes The Best Part: Deconstructing "Balloon Boy"

While the media sifts through the detritus left by "Balloon Boy's" crash landing, the crazy mastermind behind the scheme continues to reveal himself to be out of touch.

In the most ironic twist to date, Richard Heene's lawyer goes on NBC's Today and says, "Do not do the perp walk for media consumption and arrest these people in full view of their children. That's child abuse. That's traumatic for kids."

Which provokes spit laughs from observers who think that might be just what the kids' need to reset their minds northward.

It's bad enough Heene hid his 6-year-old son "for the show"; what's worse is he took him on national TV and expected him to lie. No wonder the kid barfed, and it's proof that he has more conscience than wacko dad.

So far the best public flailing comes from AP's pop culture writer Ted Anthony who comments today: "Rarely are we given such an opportunity to press pause and take stock of the American experience as it is unfolding. …We have become so enamored with the spectacle that, sometimes, we risk confusing it with real life."

And just in time to prove Anthony right, Colorado officials say there's evidence that a media company had agreed to pay the Heenes.

EW confirms that the Heenes were "developing a reality show about their family with RDF Media USA, the same company that produces Wife Swap," on which the family appeared. But RDF says it passed on the show. Here's my question: was that before or after the Balloon Boy saga was carried live for hours on cable TV?

"If this was a hoax then the joke was on us,'' writes Chicago Tribune's Mark Russell. "The boy whose name is Falcon (get it?) was not in the balloon, but the rest of us were taken for a ride. Thus ending CNN's long afternoon seminar on aerodynamics."

And while Newsweek concludes that greed was Heene's undoing, Philly Daily News' Elmer Smith rightly points out that "the crowning irony … is that everybody but the Heenes is cashing in.

Ahh, America, home of the enterprising. Where in a news cycle, tragedy-turned-farce becomes an interactive web game.

October 20, 2009

BROTHERS GRIM

Spike Jonze & Kanye West Team Up To Tell Dark Fairy Tale

SYNGERISTS APPLAUD!

On the tail of a naughty boy-wolf named Max comes this twisty video starring Kanye West as his drunk self with auteur Spike Jonze always hoovering just out of view.

This mini art flick was released on Sunday just after headlines appeared that Jonze's big-screen masterpiece Where The Wild Things Are had stolen off with its opening weekend's box office.

The timing of the release surely is meant to build on the drumbeat over Jonze's critically acclaimed adaptation of the modern fairy tale, Where The Wild Things Are. And, perhaps, to frame Kanye as tragic figure in a story of his own making.

This video was shot before Kanye's drunken performance at the VMAs. So I have to wonder: Was life imitating art that fateful evening?

Look at me! Look at me! Aren't I -- fucked up?!

Gotta hand it to them both, though: you can't look away at the accident contrived for screen.

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October 19, 2009

PERCEPTION VS. REALITY

Mad Men Monday: What Shade Is Your Blue?

SO BEFORE I DIVE INTO THE "BIG THING," LET'S TACKLE THE DETAILS. Baby steps, people. Baby steps.

Peggy and Paul are competing on damn near every account these days, mostly because, like your saucy Miz J, he can't pry himself away from the booze long enough to WRITE DOWN HIS GODDAMN IDEAS BEFORE HE FORGETS THEM.

Naturally, Peggy always solves everything on the fly, which makes Paul look, well, as unprepared as he actually is. So of course, because he's dipped in a very tangy douchebag sauce, he makes a mess of things. He rips into Peggy about how she should work on her stuff, and he on his.

But after a meeting with Don in which Paul has nothing and Peggy uses one of his uppity, Ivy League Philosophy 101 phrases to dig him out of the creative quagmire, he changes his tune.

Elsewhere, Sterling Cooper is about to celebrate its 40th anniversary, a bash that Bertram Cooper would prefer to avoid. After a phone call with the Brits in which Price is informed that they're planning on SELLING Sterling Cooper, Price is hard-pressed to make Cooper attend to keep up appearances. Eventually, he convinces Bertram to go by telling him that if he doesn't, people will think he's ill. Bertram shoots back: "Who told you I was vain?" Cooper acknowledges what most won't: everyone has a button, you just have to know where to find it and when to push it.

This rings especially true with Betty Draper, who is constantly either ignoring or is simply ignorant about Don's many affairs, particularly this recent one with Sally's teacher. After finding the key to Don's Magic Desk Drawer of Forbidden Secrets, Betty discovers the box containing bricks of cash…and Dick Whitman and the real Don Draper's lives. I'd be more interested in the bricks of cash, going on a shopping spree and buying six pairs of shoes, but when Betty comes across the real Don's divorce decree, the fires of hell itself are contained within her incredibly icy exterior.

Betty waits (and waits and waits some more) for Don to come home from "work," aka a romp with Mrs. Feelgood.

Oddly enough, there's no romping tonight. Her brother, an epileptic, is in another jam and needs money. Don offers to drive the kid to the new job his sister has set up for him, but lets him out of the car to pursue his own dreams -- and at such a great location, too: a dark, misty road that looks like the opening of any number of very well-known, very scary horror movies. Way to go, Draper/Whitman.

Don told Mrs. Feelgood (I know it's not her real name, but I DON'T CARE) that he'd call, so naturally he didn't, and naturally, she found him on the train on his way to work. "I don't care about your marriage," she says, which is perfect, because neither does Don. "Or your work or anything else, as long as you're with me." This is going to be a giant mess.

The episode wraps with the big Sterling Cooper bash, and with Don receiving accolades for his hard work, which on a given day entails fucking stewardesses, getting into drunk driving accidents, wooing and/or fingerbanging clients and cheating on his wife with his kid's teacher…and once in a while shitting all over one of Peggy's ideas.

Betty only knows the half, and she's positively steaming, so I can't WAIT for next week's episode.
I've stocked up on liquid company, and suggest you do the same.

Miz J, who works in advertising, is a regular contributor and resident expert on all things Mad Men at Crabby Golightly.