Somebody pull this bitch off the stage already. Wah, wah, you have problems. I know.

The main one is that you have two plastic sacks of recycled ass fat hanging off your chest, and another one stuck up under your lips. The other is that you are a moron. There. Now that you have some direction, kindly fuck off and go fix some things.

Anyway, now that the third and apparently final iteration of Rock of Love has aired (at least the versions starring Bret), the girls are desperate to go skank it up for the camera time and free booze again, and VH1 is only too happy to oblige.

This season pits Rock of Love Bus girls Marcia, Natasha, Brittanya, Beverly, Ashley, Farrah, Brittaney and Gia against Real Chance of Love girls Bubbles, K.O., Risky, So Hood, Ki Ki and Bay Bay Bay (I did not make these names up).

I'll level with you, cats. I don't have the first clue about Real Chance of Love. I didn't care to watch that show, mainly because it seemed to be about 495,736 episodes long. Every time I'd see a new promo for it, I'd be all, "That show is STILL ON? But then I didn't care enough to find out and ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ.

Whoa, sorry. What were we talking about? Oh, right, so anyway, I don't have much to say about those girls. But it speaks volumes that they were all hanging out and calmly having drinks while the Rock of Love Bus girls were cracking knuckles and tossing out evil eyes throughout the opening credits. One of the Real Chance girls even noted, “We look like ANGELS compared to these girls.” And so the tone was set for the first episode.

Ten minutes in, the girls discover that Brittaney from Planet What the Fuck will be joining them, and they immediately start messing with her. I mean, this bitch was hoarding sweaty socks; don't tell me you wouldn’t have messed with her. To her credit, Brittaney gets a drink and heads outside to mingle with the Real Chance girls, trying her best to avoid the others, including Beverly, who suddenly has turned into a belligerent bully. Clearly, the bar just doesn't have e-goddamn-nough vodka and she's taking out her aggression on the nearest wishy-washy vamp who won't fight on camera.

Naturally, Beverly isn't posing as the only ho with a penchant for overdoing it. Gia the shot glass fucker is here, and she is guzzling vodka fast.

Pssh. Reality stars. They get famous and then they forget the very thing that makes them famous in the first place.

It really takes no time at all for the girls to get rowdy. I think there was a challenge in there somewhere… something about giving up an article of clothing to charity, but that part only lasted about 15 minutes and then everyone spent the rest of the time picking fights. So no one really learned anything that night, except that if you start a fight like Beverly did with Brittaney, you'll get kicked out before they bring out the top shelf shit. Best to keep things passive-aggressive or just childish.

But wait! There's More! Beverly gets kicked out before the elimination ceremony, which means someone else has gotta go. If you're thinking Gia, you'd be right. She is so sauced she can't even stand up straight, and then votes for Ashley to come down to the carpet with her. She's so drunk she thinks they’re picking teams.

Naturally, since calm, cool Ricki can totally smell the Smirnoff oozing out of Gia (like what I did there?), she suggests that Gia find some real help, off camera.

Gia freaks the fuck out, throws her Lucite heels and screams about how nothing’s ever good enough, as if this will get her on Celebrity Rehab or something. What a famewhore. What a mess.

What an awesome motherfucking season!

Miz J, who works in advertising, has tons of opinions and a big mouth to broadcast them across the globe; however, the Internet saves her the trouble of yelling. Check out her blog at Miz J.