NEW FEATURE

Tabloid Trash Talk

'People' Finds New Way To S(m)ell Fantasy, Tipster Says Angie Connived To Steal Brad, And Mel Gibson Sins

By Vegas

ON US WEEKLY'S COVER, IT'S JEN VS. ANGELINA (AGAIN) AND the sidebar features Reese Witherspoon, feuding manufactured “rock stars” annnnd Brandy, who is apparently a great big liar.

Inside, Us Weekly parties like it’s 2005 with long (read: boring) stories about the Bradgelinaston relationship and Brandy’s fake marriage. "In a main love scene, Brad and Angelina would both wear flesh-colored underwear," a source on the set of Mr. and Mrs. Smith told the mag. "But in the end, she shunned the suit and climbed in bed with him naked! It's the biggest thing we all remember from that film." Oh, that Angelina, she's such a vampire.

UW is definitely on Team Anniston. But does anyone else think John Mayer is starting to look like John Waters with that haircut and mustache?

Brandy lied about marrying her baby’s daddy back in 2002. Now that she’s got a new album coming out she’s ready to exploit her past shame in exchange for a four page spread. Awesome.

There’s a brief story on Reese’s life and she unironically uses the word “Gosh.” ‘Nuff said.

Lastly, they photoshop Michelle Obama’s head onto the bodies of four models to see what sort of dress she should wear to the inauguration. Only one of those models is black sooooo yeah. Good on ya and your race relations, Us Weekly!

STAR WEEKLY

Jen vs. Angelina AND Brad on the cover. Above the masthead are promises of an inside look into Rihanna’s private romance (not so private,) JT and JBeil’s new NYC apartment and Jessica Simpson’s womb. She’s got a bump! It could be a baby! Or some BBQ! Let’s find out!

Inside: Rihanna and Chris Brown; hot, famous, young people in love. On the beach! Eating Popeye’s chicken! Getting tattoos! It’s such a whirlwind, how can we keep up? We can’t. Next?

Brittney dresses her sons in matching outfits. I wonder how long they’ll put up with that. She’s nervous about leaving them to go on tour. I’m sure the rest of the family will take good care of them, like they have been, since they were born.

Six pages of Bradgelinaston coverage in Star! Both Star and Us have a pictorial history of their relationship…mostly the same photos too. For the win, Star has the hot photo of Jen in the red bikini from their trip to Cabo in 2003.

Also in this issue, handbags like my grandma used to carry are totally hot right now. Dear, sweet Grandma, you were so ahead of your time.

NATIONAL ENQUIRER

The cover is busy, busy, busy. Mel Gibson might be divorcing, MK Olsen is gaining weight, Patrick Swayze continues his battle with cancer and they might have found poor Caylee Anthony’s grave.

Inside, Matt Lauer fumes over Meredith Vieira’s marriage crack on the Today Show last week. That’s right bitch, don’t mess with my Matt.

The Jen vs. Angelina fight is actually an Angelina vs. Brad fight according the Enquirer. Whatever, which ever, it’s all the same quotes. This leads me to believe that these folks should reevaluate the relationships they have with their friends. Who the hell are these inside sources?

J.Lo (As TMZ sez, "Memba her?) gets jealous, Julia Roberts surfs, Katie Holmes is tired, and David Spade has a love child…Wait, back up. What? Seriously, what is it with this guy? I don’t see it.

Mel Gibson’s been canoodling, as they say, with some hot Russian chick. This might be the end of his 28-year marriage! For shame! What kind of good Catholic are you Mel? You know, cheaters are responsible for all of the wars in the world.

Finally, Laura Bush is working on a tell-all memoir. Note to Laura: yeah, you know a LOT of people started drinking again after 9/11, cut The Cowboy-in-Chief some slack will ya? And Cindy McCain’s been making out with a used car salesman. Allegedly. That’s just sad. For her. And all of her money.

BONUS COVERAGE!

People named Hugh Jackman as the Sexiest Man Alive and I won’t argue. Inside, 129 other sexy men who smell! Eeeewww!

In some sort of weird marketing scheme, People put scratch-and-sniff patches on a bunch of guys’ photos. Chance Crawford smells like Future Washed Up Actor, Taye Diggs smells spicy (mmmm) and Chris Meloni smells the best of all, sigh. He’s dreamy in that over-wrought authority-figure-gone-awry sort of way.

Michael Phelps smells like actual cologne. Better than chlorine I guess.

I think they should have put scents on all of these guys. You know Robert Downey Jr. and Javier Bardem probably both smell like whiskey, cigarettes and sex.

Vegas is a gambler who always loses money on craps. She spends her time Chicago with her husband, two cats and various artistic endeavors which are beginning to take up way too much space in her house and hard drive.