BASED ON A TRUE STORY
Nick to MiMi: 'Marry Me Or No Baloney-Pony Ride'
Editor's note: An explicit fictitious, account of MiMi and Nick Cannon's courtship as imagined from Mariah's diary. F
ebruary 2008: Things have been going great with Nick and MiMi.
We've been skiing together, boating together and even eating cereal in the morning time together. It's true, things are going swell. The only thing that bothers me is that Nick reminds me of the little brother I never wanted.
Sure, he buys me everything I stare too hard at, waxes my legs, ass and mustache for me and generally just goes around praising me all day. I just can't shake the feeling that something is missing.
I don't know if it's the fact that he's 11 years my junior or that my mustache, sans wax, is fuller than his, but I'm not too sure about things yet. For instance, last time we went out, he kept making yo mama jokes and telling the waiter that he got "Punkd." I think that's something they do on that little TV show he keeps telling me he plays in...think it's called Mild and Grouts. Sounds like maybe it's a home improvement show on VH1 or something but either way, between his lame jokes and gluing his pubic hair to his chest to appear, in his words, "more manly, less pansy", something's gotta give.
March 2008: MiMi looked at Nick's last bank statement. MiMi doesn't mind the rotten jokes or pubes on his man boobs anymore. Not only that but Nick has had some bad ass ex-girlfriends. Christina Milian, Victoria's Secret model Selita Ebanks and the bootylicious Kim Kardashian. WTF is the kid doing to get these bitches?! I'm intrigued and have to know more.
April 5, 2008: Saw Nick getting out the shower this morning. He's HUGE!!! MiMi likey. Nick keeps saying he's into church so he won't let me ride the baloney pony. Bull. MiMi has a plan to keep choir boy's attention focused on MiMi.
April 20, 2008: It only took one time and one bug in his ear using the old, "I can't do that again until we're married" conversation to get a 17-carat diamond ring! They are indeed a girl's best friend. We're getting married tomorrow so he can get some more.
May 2008: Why does he talking about getting matching tattoos?! It's so lame! Weren't the vows enough? I mean, he can get Mariah scribbled 6 inches high from shoulder to shoulder if he wants. I'm going to get a very non-permanent henna tattoo touched up every six months until this shit is over. My album sales went okay but they weren't stellar. Next time, I'll try for an A-lister.
Shakenya Jackson is among Chicago's finest writers. (She believes in the power of swag.) She also enjoys long walks in the park and dirty dishes.Permalink
Posted December 3, 2008
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