Watch Out! The Literati Have "Jumped The Shark!" Now Can We Throw Out The Cliche?
IT'S CONTAGIOUS! OPRAH'S DONE IT, NICK DENTON'S DONE IT, TOM CRUISE HAS DONE IT AND SO HAS HILLARY CLINTON. Ditto Keith Olberman, CNN, Jim Carrey and even Sex and the City, the movie.
Who could have imagined way back in 1977 when The Fonz waterskiied over a shark that we would be perpetually evoking the image three decades later? (If you haven't seen it, activate YouTube on this post's 'permalink!') Yes, Fonzie was the man of the moment, hip in his black leather jacket and uttering his "Heeeey!" slanguage. But it's three fucking decades after Jimmy Carter was president! And the phrase "jumped the shark" has never been more popular and in danger of losing its relevance.
Why now? Maybe its usage confers some underground hipness: you have to be really plugged in to know what the fuck the writer's talking about.
Yet the constant reference is becoming repetitive and boring, sort of like when the least popular kid in class mimics the alpha kids. And no matter how widely the term is used, how perfectly snarky it sounds, aren't there less cliched if not more clever ways in which to convey the same meaning?
The subject/show/celebrity has 'cracked'? Lost their shine? Lost their mind? Become desperate? Gone mad? Deviated from the story line? Lost wind in the culture's zeitgeist? Fucking gone daft! Gone "Britney?" Cracked?
Though that last phrase carries its own ambiguous meaning, at least it's of the moment. We love the fact that there's a "Jump The Shark" website. We just think that it should hold exclusive rights to the phrase.
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Posted May 30, 2008
Unhinged: Exposing Conservative Extremists Gone Wild
SOMEHWHERE, OPRAH IS LAUGHING. For her too-big-for-her-britches protege is caught at the center of a firestorm set by political extremists, American-style.
I'll keep it short: Rachel Ray's latest pitch for Dunkin Donuts was yanked from the airwaves after two extremist bloggers claimed the scarf she was wearing in the ad signaled sympathies for Arab terrorists.
"The keffiyeh, for the clueless, is the traditional scarf of Arab men that has come to symbolize murderous Palestinian jihad,’’ wrote conservative commentator Michelle Malkin on her blog. ‘‘Popularized by Yasser Arafat and a regular adornment of Muslim terrorists appearing in beheading and hostage-taking videos, the apparel has been mainstreamed by both ignorant and not-so-ignorant fashion designers, celebrities, and left-wing icons.’’
Malkin's skewed view of a boogeyman wrapped in every headdress was promoted by Jewish advocate and blogger Pamela Geller, who wrote on May 18th that Ray was a "Dunkin Donuts jihad tool".
And if you buy that one, here's the heads-up that there are throngs of terrorist sympathizers hanging out at every mall in America. Or perhaps, as the shrinks will tell you, sometimes a scarf is just a scarf. It's overwrought conspiracies like these that cause political sympathizers to lose patience.
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Posted May 29, 2008
Imagining The Existential Angst of Pop Icons Post Their Prime
WHO WOULDN'T BE BURNT OUT AFTER ENDURING DECADES OF JINGLES, JUNK FOOD CEREAL AND CLAMORING KIDS?
And, surely, we all can understand that the increased demand for them after a session of weed-smoking only feeds bad habits? Not that I'm making any excuses for them. I'm just saying.
So now we know: Franken Berry, the Silly Rabbit, Count Chocula, Cap'n Crunch and Tony the Tiger are stoners. As least as imagined by the artist Rob Sheridan, who is selling this limited edition print at his blog.
Coming of age as they did in the post-nuclear era, is anyone surprised that these pop icons would be spent? Here they wear the solemn resignation of Gen X-ers facing the cleanup of the Bush era.
Where are the new heroes? Who will we call upon? Have no fear! We can all still cling to the naive innocence and the self-actualizing, capitalistic instincts of Spongebob!
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Posted May 27, 2008
Constituents for 'Kids In the Hall' Short Identified!
I FEEL LIKE I'M WRITING COPY FOR RIPLEY'S 'BELIEVE IT OR NOT!' APPARENTLY THERE IS A SUBCULTURE OF MEN (AND WOMEN?) WHO SO LOVE THEIR CARS THAT THEY FUCK THEM. Crabby is willing to venture that such auto-eroticals surely lay claim to sensory-deprived childhoods, vivid imaginations and/or extreme right-brain activity. The hobby-cum-fetish delivers alternative meaning to the term 'joy stick.' But every day delivers fresh insights and new discoveries about our world, and Crabby is rapturous with delight at learning them!
So here's a man who admits he's had 1,000 lovers of all shapes and sizes -- each made with steel, leather and vinyl.
"I'm a romantic,'' explains Edward Smith, 57, of somewhere in Washington state. "I write poetry about cars, I sing to them and talk to them just like a girlfriend. I know what's in my heart and I have no desire to change."
"I'm not sick,'' he adds, "and I don't want to hurt anyone, cars are just my preference." And, yes, there is a name for Mr. Smith's lust: mechaphilia. So little is known about it that not even Wikipedia has an entry on it! Or perhaps this is one big hoax?
So who are we to point an unpolished finger at Mr. Smith? Call him miscreant, deviant, depraved? Not Crabby! That would be insensitive. Interestingly, the comedy troupe The Kids In The Hall seems to knows a thing or two about car fucking. As one metal-mad mechanic in TKITH says, "Why do you think God put a brain in man's head? So he could think about fucking cars!" When Crabby first saw this video, she felt really old. Not the men in drag, not the riff on menstrual cycles, not the cliched greasy mechanics, provoked even one tiny twitter. NOW I GET IT (though still not laughing). Doesn't context mean everything in comedy?
"Mr. Smith" has lived with his secret long enough. Now he has found his support group to help him live with dignity. Permalink
Posted May 26, 2008
More Fun Than Primary Elections: Astrological Predictions for President!
DON'T SCOFF: Crabby is among the minions who read AstrologyZone.com regularly, waiting breathlessly for the clock to strike midnight on the last day of the month just to learn what's afoot for the next few weeks! No matter that astrologer Susan Miller always promises my upcoming days to be fabulously exciting! Or rewarding when, ho hum, they clip along at a consistently boring pace. But I can hope, can't I?
And so it must be that Barack Obama and his supporters are keeping their eyes crossed that astrologers meeting this week in Denver are correct when they predict the Illinois Senator will become the next U.S. president.
Stargazers from 44 countries gathered at the United Astrology Conference to attend workshops on such topics as "The Moon: It's Subtle but Powerful Impact," "Your Unique Way of Working with Time," "Finding Your Natural Mate," "Pluto and the Path of Regeneration," as well as "Medical Astrology in Action."
According to the Denver Post, on Tuesday six panelists during a discussion on this season's presidential election foresaw the Illinois Senator winning "thanks to a Saturn-Jupiter conjunction spelling change." Allegedly the crowd erupted in approval. But then couldn't we have guessed that these freethinkers would be liberals? Still, New York astrologer Shelley Ackerman warned, "There are things that are going to happen in the next couple of months that could turn the game into something different than we think it is right now."
Hmmm. Could Hillary Clinton's practice of The Secret confuse the planets' presidential edict? Guess we'll have to wait and see.Permalink
Posted May 21, 2008
Today's Serving: Nuggets of Wisdom from Yoda's Daddy
IT'S 3 O'CLOCK IN THE MORNING AND CRABBY NEEDS INSPIRATION! And there, right on the virtual pages of USA Today, it arrives. I don't know who to thank more: the canny interview style of reporter Anthony Breznican. Or the wizened world view of famed director George Lucas, who sums up nicely in one interview all the advice you'll ever need in a lifetime.
George, creator of Star Wars and all its cinematic siblings, must be getting up there because he's starting to share his long view backward. Or else it's his quid pro quo with the press for his new Indiana Jones' movie, Crystal Skull. But in the wee hours, and because Crabby is aging fast too, it all seems relevant and necessary to share. Herewith are choice quotes from Breznican's
article without the clumsy padding of context!
On his father's career advice: "He wanted me to go into his business. I said, 'I'm absolutely not going to do it. He sold office equipment in a store. I said, 'I will never go to work every day doing the same thing day in and day out.' "
On raising his three adopted children: "Before that, I lived for movies first, and everything else came second. After my kids, my kids came first, and I dabbled in movies and worked as hard as I could, but it wasn't a life-or-death situation for me anymore."
His Advice to Brangelina on parenting: "I was just telling Brad the secret is when they turn into the monsters — and you were a monster and impossible, and I was, too — don't do anything or say anything to destroy the relationship. Bite your tongue and say, 'Hey, whatever.' I have two in their 20s now, and they do come back. They come back being well-mannered, intelligent people you can be proud of. But if you screw it up early on, you're never going enjoy that part when it happens."
Career advice imparted through Indiana Jones in Crystal Skull: Pursue what you love professionally. "And don't let anyone tell you different."
And more through the voice of Indy: Respect your mother. "Treat her right, because you only get one. Sometimes for not that long."
Finally, forgive your parents: "Parents try as hard as they can to do the right thing. They aren't purposely out to get you. They don't want to be Darth Vader. As Luke says, 'I know there is good in you, and I have faith in you … even though the rest of the universe thinks you're a schmuck.' "Permalink
Posted May 21, 2008
SexyChattyCatty: This Season's 'Idol' Is A Snoozarama
EXCUSE ME WHILE I YAWN. I DON'T KNOW ABOUT YOU, but I could care less which David wins American Idol. Crooner David Archetta creeps me out with his swarmy sweetness. Faux rocker David Cook is passing.
While last year's competition generated an online betting site -- complete with prizes -- at the office, this year the Idol buzz has lost to crabbing about $4 gallon gas. The judges say the talent gets better every year but they lie to keep their jobs. Though Carrie Underwood is tearing up the charts, two recent Idols, Reuben Studdard and Taylor Hicks, have been dropped by their record companies.
I’ve now joined the rabble who watch for the wacky audition hijinks and flee when the “talent show” begins. Frankly, Idol sounds like a broken record. Who knew that Idol, which gave us the undeniable and uncategorizable talent known as Kelly Clarkson, would reach its high note during its first season? The producers at Idol haven't learned life's fundamental truth: that in order to survive you need to evolve.
Which brings me to this: The so-called "full figured" Whitney Thompson won Top Model! Of course that means believing that a size '10' is full-figured. And her title is tinged with scandal. Rumor runs that Ms. Whitney was scouted and asked to put on pounds to be this year’s “plus-size” model. Check out a much thinner Whitney here.
While this doesn’t mean chunky will always outsell sans fat, it’s a huge accomplishment in Tyraland, where models wear size "0." Out of gratitude, I won't make fun of the "Tyra mail” that came on cards featuring Tyra as Mona Lisa. Her ego is getting as big as her patron saint’s, Oprah. And frankly, the world would run out of resources trying to feed the voracious appetites of two Oprahs.
SexyChattyCatty comments periodically at CrabbyGolightly.com on TV, America's favorite snack food.
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Posted May 20, 2008
Ashlee Who? Pete What? Why Is This On My News Page?
GOSSIPS WERE ALL ATWITTER THIS WEEKEND OVER THE TRADING OF VOWS BETWEEN two California yokels by the first names of Ashlee (The Spelling is sooo Valley Girl!) and Pete. To which Crabby says: Huh? Don't know them, don't care. But in the general interest of marital longevity I sure hope they did the California equivalent of Catholicism's Pre Cana, even if came while sipping appletinis at the Ivy.
It's understandable that news outlets would deliver word that America's favorite talk-show host Ellen DeGeneres is getting hitched to girlfriend Portia de Rossi now that California's highest court has made it legal for gays to marry.
Also tolerable is gushing over the whirlwind romance and marriage between bona-fide diva Mariah Carey and her temporary boy-toy Nick Carter. Mimi, as crazy as she is, is "the most successful selling female artist in music history," and is barreling down on the The Beatles' record of having the most chart-topping singles. (Beatles, 20; Mimi, 18.) Congrats to the lovesick couple!
All Crabby knows about Ashlee has something to do with 1) a nose job; 2) a bustier sister; and 3) lip-syncing. As for Pete, he sings or something? I don't know and haven't cared enough to find out. Which is good; marriage is hard enough when you're true superstars. Let's hope for their marriage's sake the little couple stays below the radar.Permalink
Posted May 19, 2008
Irreverent Sculptor Enshrines Oprah's Dead Dogs On Her Faux Head
TIME TO PLAY HAUTE CRITIC!
Let's spend a few minutes contemplating what sculptor-cum-celebrity skewer Daniel Edwards is saying this time: Oprah's gone to the dogs? She's got canines on her mind? She's queen of the bitches? Or that she just bitchin' rules? Don't fuck with her, she'll let the dogs out? Or perhaps she's mere mad hatter's inspiration for the London opening of the movie version of Sex and The City?
Edwards' latest 3D ode to O is subject of "Memories of Sophie and Gracie: A Puppies’ Memorial," which opens May 22 and runs through June 8 at the Leo Kesting Gallery in New York. A reception will be held May 22 from 7 p.m. to 10 p.m.
This is the third time that Edwards, a native of the LaPorte, Ind., where Oprah used to own a spread, has tackled the Divine O in form. He's done an Oprah death mask and the omnipotent "O" as sacred sarcophagus.
"Memories of Sophie and Gracie: A Puppies’ Memorial” is inspired by the Oprah press releases that announced the passing of Gracie, who choked on a ball last year, and the passing of Sophie, who died of kidney disease in March.
“To represent Sophie and Gracie together, joined in Oprah’s memory as they were in life and in Oprah’s heart, the artist depicted them as conjoined at the hip and sharing a common tail,” says gallery's co-director John Leo. “Losing two beloved pets within a year is likely to take its toll on anybody.”
Oprah honored the memory of her two dead dogs in a show on puppy mills last month. But, David Kesting says, "given the natures of the demise of Oprah’s dogs, we feel the horrors of a puppy mill could be inconsequential compared to the poison hazards pets face in the home."
“Sophie’s kidney failure may have resulted from natural causes, but we hope the Puppies’ Memorial will remind everyone that Gracie’s choking could have been prevented,” the press release says.
Not to worry, David. Crabby is sure that the dog walker who gave the offending toy to Gracie is persona non grata in Oprahland and is lucky to have knees.Permalink
Posted May 16, 2008
Catholics Can Finally Sleep Soundly Knowing Believing In Aliens Isn't A Sin
WHO KNEW THAT CATHOLICS WITH IMAGINATIONS had to hide this fact from other churchgoers? Apparently more than gay priests have had to stay in the Catholic closet: Until recently, Catholics who believed in aliens might have wondered if they were violating church canon. Now comes news that the Vatican has issued a statement informing churchgoers that it's okay to believe in aliens.
"How can we rule out that life may have developed elsewhere?" said The Rev. Jose Gabriel Funes, the Jesuit director of the Vatican Observatory. "Just as we consider earthly creatures as 'a brother,' and 'sister,' why should we not talk about an 'extraterrestrial brother'? It would still be part of creation."
Funes said that such a notion "doesn't contradict our faith" because aliens would still be God's creatures. Ruling out the existence of aliens would be like "putting limits" on God's creative freedom, he said. What's happening here? Is the Church trying to draw from the ranks of Scientologists?
But even more groundshaking is his comment that the Bible "is not a science book." He said the Big Bang theory is the most "reasonable" explanation for how God created of the universe. Whoaa buddy! Have you informed the Pope of this heresy your spreading? And if the church is broadening its interpretation of the Book, it needs to get busy spreading the word to a whole lot of righteous followers tsk-tsking those who don't take it literally.
That the church is giving license to Catholics to think for themselves on the alien issue could cause all sorts of problems for it in the future: Doesn't this risk having Catholics learn to think for themselves in other, more personally relevant topics, like birth control and abortion? If so, it would be a welcome change. Now if we can only get members of the Church of Oprah to think for themselves.Permalink
Posted May 15, 2008
Losing My Religion: Albert Einstein Revealed As Atheist?
HOW ONE COMES TO GOD IS ITS OWN MYSTERY. Some are raised in a church and arrive at adulthood unquestioning. Others pick up the habit out of need or want, their faith a byproduct of delivery from desperate moments. Some, like me, never stop vascillating between the need for religion and the refusal to embrace it out of anger. The eternal question beckons: if a perfect God exists, how could he or she could rationalize the horrors that are afflicted daily onto man by man and nature?
So an agnostic like me relied heavily on the bon mots about God from Albert Einstein, the only human ever designated as Time's "Person of the Century." His epochal E = mc2 explains all of earth's energy. (Full disclosure: Crabby knows nothing of physics except what Wiki tells her.) While wrestling with my own doubts, it was reassuring to know that Einstein, a man with the insight to read nature's algorithms, was credited with saying that God does not play dice with the universe.
There it is, on page 386 of Walter Isaacson's Einstein, (Simon & Schuster, 2007) in an answer to the question "Do you believe in God?," the reknown scientist answers:
"I'm not an atheist. The problem involved is too vast for our limited minds. We are in the position of a little child entering a huge library filled with books in many languages. The child knows someone must have written those books. It does not know how. ...That, it seems to me, is the attitude of even the most intelligent human being toward God. We see the universe marvelously arranged and obeying certain laws but only dimly understand these laws."So what to make of the revelation that Einstein called religion a "childish superstition" in a letter to be auctioned off tomorrow in London?
According to the Guardian, "Einstein penned the letter on January 3, 1954 to the philosopher Eric Gutkind who had sent him a copy of his book Choose Life: The Biblical Call to Revolt. The letter went on public sale a year later and has remained in private hands ever since." In it Einstein writes, "The word god is for me nothing more than the expression and product of human weaknesses, the Bible a collection of honourable, but still primitive legends which are nevertheless pretty childish. No interpretation no matter how subtle can (for me) change this."
He also delivered some disappointing words for the Bible's chosen people:
"For me the Jewish religion like all others is an incarnation of the most childish superstitions. And the Jewish people to whom I gladly belong and with whose mentality I have a deep affinity have no different quality for me than all other people.""He's fairly unequivocal as to what he's saying,'' said Rupert Powell, the Bloomsbury Auctions managing director. "There's no beating about the bush."
But we can be sure that the words of an auctioneer will not be the last on Einstein's religiosity. As John Brooke of Oxford University told the Guardian, "Like other great scientists he does not fit the boxes in which popular polemicists like to pigeonhole him. ...[W]hat he understood by religion was something far more subtle than what is usually meant by the word in popular discussion."
And so it goes. Einstein's beliefs remain a mystery even when we have his own words to contemplate. The riddle remains.
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Posted May 14, 2008
New York Anchor Drops "F" Bomb Live, Needs "Try Saying" Phrases From H.R.
HEY, IT'S NEW YORK, RIGHT? DOESN'T ANYTHING GO THERE?
Crabby empathizes with NBC anchor Sue Simmons this morning, who had to issue an apology after a microphone caught her dropping the "F" bomb on a colleague last night. Apparently she was just reacting to a bit of incompetence and had the misfortune of getting caught on the air reacting. How embarrassing for her. Crabby understands. For instance, it was a bitch getting through traffic this morning, and God only knows how many verbal shells were lobbed from the safety of passing cars. But now Sue is gonna have to get fingers slapped by H.R.
If only she had had proper training by Human Resources. A while back, Crabby found this note on The Modern Gal, purportedly coming from a newspaper human resources department. There are those who contend the memo's a joke and that this H.R. department is mere urban legend. But in light of Sue's slip, it seems timely and relevant today.
Dear Employees:
It has been brought to management's attention that some individuals throughout the company have been using foul language during the course of normal conversation with their co-workers. Due to complaints received from some employees who may be easily offended, this type of language will no longer be tolerated.
We do however, realize the critical importance of being able to
accurately express your feelings when communicating with co-workers.
Therefore, a list of 18 New and Innovative "TRY SAYING" phrases have
been provided so that proper exchange of ideas and information can
continue in an effective manner.
1) TRY SAYING: I think you could use more training.
INSTEAD OF: You don't know what the f___ you're doing.
2) TRY SAYING: She's an aggressive go-getter.
INSTEAD OF: She's a ball-busting b__ch.
3) TRY SAYING: Perhaps I can work late.
INSTEAD OF: And when the f___ do you expect me to do this?
4) TRY SAYING: I'm certain that isn't feasible.
INSTEAD OF: No f______ way.
5) TRY SAYING: Really?
INSTEAD OF: You've got to be sh__ing me!
6) TRY SAYING: Perhaps you should check with...
INSTEAD OF: Tell someone who gives a sh__.
7) TRY SAYING: I wasn't involved in the project.
INSTEAD OF: It's not my f______ problem.
8) TRY SAYING: That's interesting.
INSTEAD OF: What the f___?
9) TRY SAYING: I'm not sure this can be implemented.
INSTEAD OF: This sh__ won't work.
10) TRY SAYING: I'll try to schedule that.
INSTEAD OF: Why the h___ didn't you tell me sooner?
11) TRY SAYING: He's not familiar with the issues.
INSTEAD OF: He's got his head up his a__.
12) TRY SAYING: Excuse me, sir?
INSTEAD OF: Eat sh__ and die.
13) TRY SAYING: So you weren't happy with it?
INSTEAD OF: Kiss my a__.
14) TRY SAYING: I'm a bit overloaded at the moment.
INSTEAD OF: F___ it, I'm on salary.
15) TRY SAYING: I don't think you understand.
INSTEAD OF: Shove it up your a__.
16) TRY SAYING: I love a challenge.
INSTEAD OF: This job sucks.
17) TRY SAYING: You want me to take care of that?
INSTEAD OF: Who the h___ died and made you boss?
18) TRY SAYING: He's somewhat insensitive.
INSTEAD OF: He's a pr_ck.
Thank You,
Human Resources
Print it out, laminate it and keep it handy at work!Permalink
Posted May 13, 2008
SexyChattyCatty: Rooting for Fat Models and Proper Brits
IIT'S FINALE WEEK FOR two of my favorite snacks!
I don’t know why, after ten years, I’m still watching America’s Next Top Model. Perhaps Tyra’s silly antics and solemn intonations? Or is it seeing gangly teens and twentysomethings sling slang while attempting to capture the crown? Ms. Jay is catwalk coach and judge extraordinaire; Mr. Jay just scares me.
The most unpredictable thing to happen this season is that “plus” size model Whitney Thompson is among the three finalists. I'm hoping, Tyra, after ten years of saying there’s nothing wrong with plus size models, that we might actually see one win?
Then there’s Last Restaurant Standing, a BBC show that’s as tasteful as Gordon Ramsey’s mouth is foul. No swearing, no temper tantrums, no stripper poles, no Kardashians. Nine teams of two are vying to open a restaurant with the support of Raymond Blanc, an award-winning owner of a two Michelin-star restaurant. [Two stars? That’s the best they could do?]
The show’s tony vibe makes it evident that British producers obviously are a different breed than those at that other restaurant show: missing are the routine backstabs of Top Chef. In Britain, contestants congratulate each other and lend a hand cheerfully.
I’m not sure which I prefer watching more: Brits' demonstrating their stiff upper lips, or Americans lunging for the jugular.
SexyChattyCatty comments periodically at CrabbyGolightly.com on TV, America's favorite snack food.Permalink
Posted May 13, 2008
How Can Tom Hanks Believe in 'Charlie Wilson's War' But Endorse Obama?
NOW THAT 'CHARLIE WILSON'S WAR' has made it to RedBox, Crabby finally got to view the little movie this weekend. In case you've missed it, the film turns international hegemony into political cartoon while retelling how one Texas Congressman helped Afghanis turn the tide against their Soviet invaders. The flick stars Tom Hanks, one of La La Land's most likable leading men, as the Congressman, and Julia Roberts, looking every bit the scary "social x-ray" intent on fighting communism. Also appearing is Philip Seymour Hoffman, as usual handing in a pitch-perfect performance as a CIA operative.
Briefly, the movie recounts in broad strokes how Charlie Wilson raised Congressional support to covertly fund Afghanistan's battle against invading Soviet forces. Yet the film wryly suggests that the U.S. erred by failing to invest in the country's rehabilitation after succeeding in forcing out the Soviets.
One of the movie's last scenes shows Hoffman's character warning the Congressman that kooks were moving in to Afghanistan, and that investing in the country's schools and businesses was crucial to keeping peace. Hanks' Texan dutifully seeks $1 million for a new Afghani school but fails to win funding. Cut to black screen with a quote from Wilson: "These things happened. They were glorious and they changed the world..., and then we fucked up the endgame."
All of which surprises me because it sounds as though the movie points the finger at the U.S. for not investing in a country whose infrastructure had been destroyed by invading forces. Which begs the question: If we are the invaders who have razed a country's infrastructure, a la Iraq, should we not commit to rebuilding it? If we are serious about wanting to bring peace to one of the most volatile region of the world, ought we not be prepared to spend billions creating schools and roads and government? Are we not, in fact, stuck there for a while, even if not the "100 years" that Senator John McCain envisioned possibly necessary during a town hall meeting in New Hampshire in January?
The media -- as well as Senator Barack Obama -- jumped all over McCain's remark, implying that the Vietnam war hero was all too glad to continue the bloodshed in Iraq. Obama has made his resistance to the Iraq War a centerpiece of his campaign, but as Joseph Wilson points out, his position was forged as a Congressional candidate representing Illinois' most liberal district. To Obama's credit, his recoil at the idea of war, whether innate or political, came at a time that mainstream media was spoonfeeding us the necessity of this war. Crabby, too, had bought into it after watching the parade of experts, including the New York Times' Thomas Friedman and Newsweek's Fareed Zakaria, explore the the potential upside of war night after night on Charlie Rose.
As typical for the media and political opponents, McCain's January remark was taken out of context. McCain followed his "100 years" comment with these words:"We’ve been in South Korea, we’ve been in Japan for sixty years. We’ve been in South Korea for fifty years or so. That’d be fine with me as long as Americans are not being injured or harmed or wounded or killed. Then it’s fine with me. I would hope it would be fine with you if we maintain a presence in a very volatile part of the world where Al Qaeda is training, recruiting, equipping and motivating people every single day."
Yet while stumping, Obama claimed McCain wanted to keep the war going for another century. Even the Columbia Journalism Review, hardly an apologist for Right Wingers, scolded Obama for distorting McCain's words, writing that "he’s gone from lying about what McCain said to being deeply misleading about it."
On May 3rd, Tom Hanks endorsed Obama for president in a homemade video posted on his Myspace.com page that has gotten modest attention. I wonder: Does Hanks recognize that his endorsement contradicts the message of his latest movie? Permalink
Posted May 12, 2008
Whether Warm And Wonderful, Wacky or Wanton, Remember Mom On Sunday
HAPPY BIRTHDAY MOTHER'S DAY! The holiday as we celebrate it turns 100 on May 10th, according to Wikipedia.
It was on May 10, 1908 that Anna Jarvis honored the life of her mother, Ann, in a celebration at Andrews Methodist Episcopal Church in Grafton, West Virginia. The church is now officially designated as the "International Mother's Day Shrine."
The practice quickly spread across the nation, and in 1914, President Woodrow Wilson declared the first national Mother's Day to honor the mothers of sons who had died at war. Eventually, the holiday was so overtaken by rampant commercialism that Anna Jarvis became an outspoken opponent of it."A printed card means nothing,'' she purportedly once said, "except that you are too lazy to write to the woman who has done more for you than anyone in the world. And candy! You take a box to Mother—and then eat most of it yourself. A pretty sentiment!"
A hundred years later, Mother's Day remains a boon to businesses, especially chocolatiers and greeting card companies. According to Wikipedia, "Americans will spend approximately $2.6 billion on flowers, $1.53 billion on pampering gifts — like spa treatments — and another $68 million on greeting cards [2]. Mother's Day will generate about 7.8% of the US jewelry industry's annual revenue in 2008. Americans are expected to spend close to $3.51 billion in 2008 on dining out for Mother's Day."
And all because of mom, that person whom, if you were born lucky, made you feel as though you were one-in-a-billion special. Who changed your nappies, took your temperature, cheered you at your sports meets and warned you away from bad boys. And that's just for starters.
Alas, not everyone is born so lucky. And for those of you for whom mom means 'mean' or 'crazy' or 'irresponsible' or just plain pathetic, well, I am sorry. But you too have Mom to thank for what you have become! My own mom was as nuts as a box of almonds, but I loved her. And she loved me, I think. And remember: God loves everybody! So cheer up, and embrace your story.
In honor of the holiday, here's a few web spots to check out with mom in mind.
Postcards From Yo Momma -- When you're hot, you're hot. And the two twentysomething founders of this brand new baby (launched in March!) are scorching! Doree Shafrir and Jessica Grose, both New York City journalists, have already landed a story in Newsweek and a book deal. The concept is brilliantly simple: the site is essentially a virtual bulletin board of emails people have gotten from their moms. There's no topic off-limit: moms have written to exclaim joy at insurance companies covering the expense of the vaccine against the human papilloma virus that contributes to cervical cancer (and is associated with sex), to recommending dental dams as mouth condoms.
Your Mom Jokes on BuzzFeed -- Links to four irreverent twists on the punchline that can get your ass kicked faster than a 12-pack on Friday night: "Your momma." Proof that sentimentality is for squares. (Which obviously includes Crabby!)
FTD.com -- Because it's never too late to follow the crowd. And, remember, spending will help reinvigorate the sagging economy!
5 Minutes For Mom -- This site brags that it's "Bringing Moms the The Best in Blogging, Shopping, Parenting and Entertaining." We'll let you decide if it lives up to its billing. Still, it's nice to know you're part of a niche!
Mom's Buzz -- Gift mom with her own blog! Mom's Buzz is part of something called the "MomsNetwork.com Online Community of sites." Offers free blogs to moms! Your mom just might bite, especially if she's an now empty nester who needs to email her children to keep in touch.
My Chaos, My Bliss -- A real live blogging mommy; not just adventurous capitalist trying to get rich off the ginormous pyramid scheme that is the web.
The Mom Salon -- Here's a map on Frappr ("the Web's best community mapper") of bloggers who are members of TheMomSalon.com, a sort of Myspace for moms. Help mom make a new friend!
And, finally, for those whom through no fault of their own do not have a mom they want to celebrate, Crabby recommends church on Sunday morning and renting Mommy Dearest to remind you that 1) You are not alone; and or 2) Things could be worse.
Happy Mother's Day! And think of Crabby enjoying her chocolates!Permalink
Posted May 9, 2008
Today's Take: 30-Second Rants from Crabbytown
SO MUCH NEWS; SO LITTLE TIME TO OPINE. Thusly, here's a quick rundown of Crabby's point of view on tidbits ripped from the rags.
Congrats to Britney on upping her time with the wee ones! You remember her? You know, Britney Spears? Gosh, the tab eds. must be mourning the popster's hijinks as they are at a loss now as who to humiliate on their covers each week. Crabby is not a big fan of Brit's parents, Lynn and Jamie Spears, for whom their daughter is mealticket to wealth and fame. But to his credit, Jamie probably saved his daughter's sanity (not to mention any future earnings for both him and her) when he petitioned the court to be her estate's guardian. And we are so glad that she gets to be mommy her boys Sean and Jayden. Motherhood isn't easy, especially if you haven't had a good role model.
And while we're on the subject of Britney, Crabby realizes that she's late formally bestowing admission to the Britney Celebrity Defense League to Brit's pop predecessor Madonna. But Crabby is feeling a bit stingy with the entry; after all, Madonna was several months late coming to the emotional rescue of Brit. Her defense came long after Britney's then-daily torment by the paps, and conveniently during promotion of her own new project, Hard Candy, so her selflessness was questioned. Crabby would have much preferred if Madonna had put out a press release during Brit's meltdown that threatened Brit's tormentors with bad Karma. Her defense was too little too late.
And speaking of nut jobs, Crabby is betting newly betrothed Mariah Carey invites hubby Nick Cannon to touch her body for, oh, six months before she's bored to tears. Or maybe just long enough to knock her up; Mariah, 38, is approaching that biological steel door. Her poor play thing won't know what hit him. Here's a tip, Nick: Find yourself a Narcissists-Anon support group now so you'll be ready when the floor moves under you.
Crabby is recovering from Tuesday's North Carolina and Indiana primaries which left her dumbstruck that the Dems once again have selected an unsatisfactory, and probably unwinnable, candidate. But then it became crystal clear: In order for Barack to win, he must choose Hillary as his running partner. New Mexico's Gov. Bill Richardson ain't gonna bag him the prize; North Carolina's Sen. John Edwards won't balance the ticket. Here's rich irony: Obama can only become president if he puts his staunchest opponent on the ticket. Yet, I'm still wondering what magic trick Hillary can pull from her sleeve.
One final tidbit: Oprah and Rachel Ray -- in a bitchin' cat fight! Imagine it! So says the National Enquirer,the tabloid with the darkest and longest history. I'd love to see it. Please, pretty please, O, can you rent a ring and arrange for pay-per-view? That would be a thriller Crabby wouldn't want to miss. Permalink
Posted May 8, 2008
It's A Sign, Hillary: Creator of 'Rocky Road' Dies'
HILLARY, I LOVE YA HON. You're the one who teaches little girls that they can play ball with the big boys. The one who shows older woman there are possibilities beyond fetching beer for the hubby and scrubbing toilets. You're proof that women can choose something else other than the slow inexorable slide toward death in a nursing home in our later years. And you know something about 'inexorable,' Hillary: its other definition is relentless. And, yet, Hil, it's over.
It could be mere coincidence that the news that the co-founder of Baskin-Robbins, Irvine Robbins, who created the chewy cold confection known as "Rocky Road,'' hit the web Tuesday. Crabby, who confesses to be superstitious, thinks not.
Even as the news broke of your nail-biter finish in Indiana, and your stomping in North Carolina, you were still feeding the dream:
Dear E.
Tonight's victory in Indiana was close, and a margin that narrow means just one thing: every single thing you did to help us win in Indiana helped make the difference.
Every call you made, every friend you spoke to about our campaign, every dollar you contributed made tonight's victory possible. And I couldn't be more thankful for your hard work.
Every time we've celebrated a victory, we've celebrated it together. And tonight is no exception. This victory is your victory, this campaign is your campaign, and your support has been the difference between winning and losing.
Thank you so much for making this campaign possible. Let's keep making history together.
Sincerely,
Hillary Rodham Clinton
I'm still willing to dream along, Hillary. But you can't have any more of my money. I'm barely able to scrape together the few crumbs to feed my own delusions (think early 401K withdrawals!) and you've got $109 million in the bank.
The road has been treacherous, and you have traveled it well and far. But it looks like you won't make it to the finish line first. Unless you can rightly convince Floridians and Michiganders that their votes have been stolen from the same people who were so outraged by the Republican machine's sandbagging of them. And, yes, Crabby does believe in miracles. But maybe...now...is...the...time...to ...surrender. The sky will open wide, the road will become smooth and clear, and maybe you'll still have time to become part of history.
Permalink
Posted May 7, 2008
Wal-mart Brings 'Always The Low Price' To Generic Drugs
CRABBY HAS A DIRTY SECRET: SHE LIKES WAL-MART! Yes, I know, I should hang my head in shame and avert my eyes any time some 'elite' yuppie looks at me askance for liking cheap products made with Chinese teen labor. (In the interest of full disclosure, Crabby lives far too many miles away from Wal-mart to actually shop there, but she would.)
While academics and journalists have feverishly documented the deleterious effects of having Wal-mart come to town, Crabby has always been in awe of the bath towels and lead-laden children's toys that could be had for just a few dollars! By golly, the businessman down Main Street might be going out of business, but poor folk in town could never afford to shop in his overpriced hardware anyway.
So now comes news that Wal-mart has expanded its discounted prescription drug program to provide up to 350 generic meds at $10 for a 90-day supply! The company also added several women's medications to its list of $9 prescriptions, including drugs to treat breast cancer and hormone deficiency.
The expansion aims to help customers at a time of exorbitant health-care costs and difficult economic times while further boosting the ranking of Sam Walton's heirs on the list of America's richest. "It offers the customers significant savings,'' the spokesman said. "It also offers us the ability to add capacity to our pharmacies without adding people." More profit without having to provide those pesky and expensive benefits! Can't you hear Bush and his cronies cheering, 'Yee-ha! Go Wal-mart! Go Wal-mart! Go Wal-mart!'
Crabby welcomes Wal-mart's foray into cheap drugs, as long as none of them are made at the same China factor that the blood thinner Heparin was made. Frankly, she's waiting for the Wal-mart cancer centers to open. Because she knows that even though some patients might have to die in order to maximize the big box's scaled economy, think of the competitive pressure on your local health care provider. Capitalist America is at its best when we're wringing razor-thin profits from macro economies.
The federal government could learn something from those simple folks down in Arkansas. For Wal-Mart is the paradox that citizens require big government to be: Both giver and taker, daddy and mommy, all rolled into one big single-payer provider.Permalink
Posted May 6, 2008
Despite Horrific Attack, Susan Barron Exemplifies Good Manners
THE NEW YORK TIMES' article on happenstance violence deeply disturbed: A deranged man steals knives from a restaurant, stabs the cook, runs to the street, and then savagely attacks an approaching woman walking her dog.
The victim was Susan Barron, a New York psychologist who is beloved by friends and patients. “That Jimmy Stewart character in ‘It’s a Wonderful Life’ had nothing on her,” one friend told the Times. The attack occurred last October, and since then, Susan has endured at least 14 surgeries to reconstruct the body parts that were slashed by a sick stranger who had stopped taking his meds. Her friends have created and maintained a website for updates on Susan.
When the Times' story ran with the headline, "A Life of Helping Becomes One in Need of Help," donations from around the world poured in. Those donations have become even more meaningful after the New York State Crime Victim's Board decided to award Susan $31.20 per week for lost wages. The decision "is outrageous and adds further insult to injury,'' Susan's supporters wrote on her site.
Now, as time heals, Ms. Barron has begun sending thank you cards to every donor who contributed to her healing fund. The cards, showing her adorable Scottie Velvet, were donated by Zazzle.com; the photo was shot by Geoffrey Tischman Photography. Inside, the preprinted message says, "Thank you for being part of my healing. My circle of friends now reaches around the world." And in neat script that shows evidence of labor, are the written words, "My sincere gratitude, Susan."
Even after her life-threatening ordeal, Ms. Barron shows the world how to behave. She is an example of the best of us.Permalink
Posted May 5, 2008
SexyChattyCatty: Weekends Were Made for 'Sex, Love and Savage Revenge'
HAVE YOU EVER BEEN SNAPPED? I have and I'm addicted.
It's 12:30 on a Saturday afternoon. I decide to snack on a bit of televised junk food before running weekend errands. Channel surfing brings me to Oxygen's Snapped. I really love these half-hour stories of desperate lovers with no recourse but murder out of love-gone-wrong. Are these people truly evil or just driven to crime? Is the series a "how-to" for those who flirt with doing in their own toxic partner?
Sad to say, these episodes are like crack to a true crime lover like me. One episode bleeds [pun intended] into the next ,and soon it’s 4 o’clock and I still don't have my shoes on. Even reruns don't deter me. Sometimes I think, “I've seen this one but I'll just look at a bit of it to make sure.”
Danger! Danger! I know damn well I've seen it, but you look at it for the fourth time anyway. I disgust myself sometimes.
SexyChattyCatty will comment periodically at CrabbyGolightly.com on TV, America's favorite snack food.Permalink
Posted May 3, 2008
Don't Take It Personally, James: It's The "Business" of Being Oprah
LIFE ON PLANET OPRAH IS LOOKING PRETTY GOOD THIS SWEEPS PERIOD. N EXAMPLE OF CRIME-FIGHTING RUN AMUCK? An indictment of America's "wheel of fortune" approach to justice? On the one hand, you have a 53-year-old mother of three
First "endurance artist" David Blaine breaks a world record on O's show. He held his breath in a water-filled sphere for 17 minutes and 4 seconds, breaking the previous record of 16 minutes and 32 seconds, set Feb. 10 by Switzerland's Peter Colat, according to the Associated Press.
Then the Divine Miss O wooed Scientologist A-lister Tom Cruise back on her couch. What went unnoticed by the media is that, this time, the mountain went to Moses, or in this case, one of Scientology's highest Operating Thetans. I didn't catch what Tom was selling but be sure he wasn't just there to make nice-nice.
Such is the dance of dependence between Hollywood and America's number one marketer, The Oprah Winfrey show. Cruise's appearance also allowed Oprah to practice her future permanent gig: that of celebrity interviewer, taking the place of Baaba Walters when she retires from ABC.
And, speaking of Baaba, she sold herself a couple thousand books by revealing an extramarital affair with -- shocking! -- former moderate Republican U.S. Senator Edward Brooke on yet another of O's sweep show.
All this and May has only begun! Kudos to the Grand Wizard of multimedia!
Yet, getting far less play by America's corporate media, is a story in the new Vanity Fair which adds yet another chapter to the sordid tale of James Frey, the pariahic neo-memoirist of "Million Little Pieces."
Frey and his editor, Nan Talese, claim they were lured with lies into doing the second TOWS show during which Oprah gave her famous dressing-down by telling them the show's topic was on "Truth in America.'' Which would have been a dead giveaway to this former TV producer, but maybe not to Frey: after all, hadn't Oprah mightily defended him on Larry King? It was mere weeks earlier when Oprah told Larry King Live that the revelation that his book was primarily fiction "seem[ed] to be much ado about nothing."
It was only after the New York Times' Frank Rich and the Washington Post's Richard Cohen took the Wizard to task for her indifference to truth that she backtracked and stabbed Frey with her tongue.
Frey claims that after the verbal lashing, Oprah told him, "I know it was rough, but it's just business." Oprah indignantly denies the claim, saying, "In 22 years of doing this show, I have never said to anyone, 'I know it was rough, but it's just business. This was beyond business. This was about the trust I share with the audience who faithfully supports the Book Club and buys the books I recommend."
Surely there is some irony in that statement? When the O show sent out press releases after Tiger Woods called himself a "Cablanasian" on her show, was that about her audience, or business? When Oprah gave away new cars, surely that's more about the "business" of being omnipotent than promoting Pontiac's new G-6 midsize 2005 sports sedan? When she says it's all for her audience, she sounds a little bit like Barack Obama saying, "We are the ones we've been waiting for." But really, Oprah, the talk show, radio show, magazine, network -- they're not about the "audience"; they're about power and money.
Connecting the dots has long fallen off the agenda of America's corporate media who find the payoffs of synergy more rewarding. For instance, no media outlet I know of investigated further the
Oprah, of course, professes to have been indignant about the deception. But I don't buy it: this is a woman who rewrites headlines in her magazine. As one anonymous source told the New York Post's Keith J. Kelley in 2000 that "Oprah is very much in control" of the editorial content of her mag. Does that sound like someone who delegates?
But in that golden-rule way, the final word is yet to be written: Kitty Kelley, celeb biographer of "poison pen" fame, is under contract to write a tell-all on Oprah. Kelley's publisher is Crown, an imprint of Random House, as is the Talese's publisher Doubleday. The announcement of Kelley's contract came not long after Oprah's public flogging of Frey. Payback can be a bitch.?Permalink
Posted May 1, 2008
Another 'Chicken Coming Home to Roost'? Or 'Fowl Play?' Woman Who Escaped From Prison 32 Years Ago is Caught, Faces Reincarceration
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The juxtaposition of these two cases revolving around old crimes starkly illustrates how luck and geography play a part in criminal prosecution and sentencing. Though some desperately cling to the idea that America's courts are "fair and balanced," most know that you better choose the state of your criminal activity carefully. And too bad if you're too poor or too stupid to have an attorney.
The breaking story is about Marie Walsh, a.k.a. Susan LeFevre, who escaped from a Michigan prison in 1976 and who until last week had been living comfortably life as a suburban mom with a big secret. Yet someone knew her story and tipped authorities, and on April 24, she was arrested "outside her home in San Diego's posh Carmel Valley area, wearing a sweat suit and driving a black Lexus SUV," the Associated Press reported. The suburban San Diego mom's arrest has upended her world, which included a husband and three kids. It's been a tremendous shock to us," said Alan Walsh, who described his wife as having "the highest integrity and compassion."
Compare that to the story of Ayers, who disappeared in 1970 and then turned himself in to authorities in 1980. He was never prosecuted for his role in 25 bombings the Weathermen Underground claimed; charges were dropped because of improper surveillance by the FBI. Today Ayers is a professor at the University of Illinois at Chicago who remains righteous about his anti-war activities.
The comparison is not to say that Ayers needs to be in jail; he just happens to be a high-profile example of the randomness of America's jurisprudence system. A first-time drug conviction gets a 19-year-older a 20-year sentence in Michigan courts. In a Midwestern federal court, a bomber gets zip.
In a Times 2001 piece, writer Brent Staples explored the entitled psychology of many of the 60s' flower-children-turned-revolutionaries.
"The basis of the transformation was a belief among young white suburbanites that their lives were pale and inauthentic next to the lives of hard-core urban criminals who fashioned themselves as ''revolutionaries'' during the 1960's. But...a substantial number of these children of privilege clearly saw ''the revolution'' as a fashionable game that would be forgiven once timeout was called." He follows that by saying that presumption "worked out" for Ayers, who once described himself as "guilty as hell, free as a bird.'' (FYI, Ayers' disappeared with his now-wife, Bernardine Dohrn, who was also implicated in the bombings; she now teaches law at Northwestern University.)
Which brings us back to Lefevre, a teenager who got tangled in drugs and was sentenced to 20 years in prison. Her neighbors in Carmel Valley are rallying around her and argue that reincarcerating her would be the wrong choice. Crabby agrees; It seems if we can take the time to understand the zeal of anti-war fighters, then we ought to be able to forgive a drug crime committed 32 years ago.Permalink
Posted May 1, 2008
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