BRANGELINA
Here's a Question For You, Ang: How Many Zaharas Could You Buy For $3,590?
IF YOU LOOK VERY CLOSELY, PROBABLY SO CLOSE THAT YOU MIGHT actually pretend for a moment that you are living in Whoville, you will notice that St. Angelina actually has two mouths in the above photograph.
There's the obvious one from which the devoted do-gooder routinely spouts wise words such as "I had no idea what a difficult life was. It was as if someone slapped me across the face and said, 'Oh, my God, you silly young woman from California, do you have any idea how difficult the world really is for so many people?'"
Then there is the other mouth: the broad, painted, pouty one that reigns in the real Whoville -- Celebritydom -- where Ang routinely sashays in front of the camera with children and Valentino bags as accessories.
From this mouth you can see Angelina's lipped confession: Both child and purse are props. Because in a culture suffering from celebrity OCD, Angelina is both beneficiary and benefactor. After all, these are the rules of the game. She did not make them up.
Hence we have a halo-wearing Angelina frolicking through New York carrying a $1,795 bag on her arm along with beautiful adopted daughter Zahara, equipped with a mini version of the same bag made especially for her. That totals $3,590, a sum which would have allowed Zahara's Ethiopian mother to keep her.
And so it goes. Like a snake eating its tail, La La Land symbolizes the eternal circle of celebrity feeding off itself.
This is how it works: Starlet A becomes a "STAR!" Henceforth, gets free things, wears them in front of paps. All the little people then salivate (I've got to have that bag!). Then "THE STAR!" pretends to do good by giving lip service to anti-poverty crusades. The designers are happy because their criminally overpriced bags are selling. The little people are happy because they can buy the knock-off and pretend they're celebrities. The STAR then pats herself on the back because 1) SHE has arrived! 2) She gets free stuff and 3) Humanity has benefited because of her faux "spiritual" largesse.
Crabby admits: These are not original thoughts. 
So at this point she urges you to visit BagBunch.com, where editors-cum-wolves selling shearling purses and other bags have produced one of the most pointed pieces of commentary on the web. Check out all the A-listers carrying bags that cost more than what third-world residents can earn in two or three years.
The title? The Human Cost of ‘Poverty Fighting’ Celebrities Burning $600,000+ on Handbags! Or, put another way, as one editor did, "Help 11 Villages Out of Poverty or Buy a Handbag? F**k it I'll Take the Handbag Yet Still Spout about Fighting Poverty."
Check it out. It'll be worth your time! And, I swear, no free bags traded hands for this entry! Because Crabby is not a celebrity, is not pretty, and can do no one any good.Permalink
Posted June 30, 2008
POP CANDY
Rumors To The Contrary, Pacman Has Not Retired to Philanthropy But Is Busy Spawning Little Pacpeople
IT'S SUNDAY, WHICH CRABBY NOW DEEMS ''SUPPORT YOUR LOCAL ARTIST'' DAY. Today's offering? The happy pixelated characters produced by the Chicago artist found at PixelParty.Etsy.com.
While other computer icons circa 1980 have been trying to solve the world's problems, our beloved Pacman has stayed below the radar, raised little Pac babies and has started a cottage industry in Pacman jewelry. And isn't that appropriate since Pac Daddy was one of the earliest examples of a 'virtual virus,' or a computerized "social phenomena?"
The result is the cutest little computer bytes you ever saw! The rings, pins, earrings and wall art can reach deep inside the most jaded, aging, materialist yuppies to remind them of a playful time of their youth.
Why not remind them of that side? Persue the PixelParty gallery, buy some nostalgia, and hang on a small byte of innocence.
And while you're at it, persue PixelParty's wife's shop at Coo-Koo-Ri-Koo for darling button rings,
friendly owls, dainty birds, necklaces, bags -- whatever the hip urban kiddies would want! And remember: shop locally!Permalink
Posted June 29, 2008
FILM
SexyChattyCatty: "The Happening" Makes Me Want To Catch An Airborne Virus
ONE REASON SEXY HANGS OUT IN TVLAND FOR HER ENTERTAINMENT PLEASURE IS THAT a lot of movies released these days are crap.
Sexy has vowed to never, ever watch a remake of a TV show on the big screen. Not even for, dare I say it, Sex and the City, which was an appointment I would never miss. And “The Office,” is the only scripted show that Sexy really finds sexy enough to watch, but even my lust for Steve Carell can't make me see “Get Smart.”
But last night Sexy decided to turn off the TV, get off her chaise lounge and drive to the multiplex where I saw two movies: Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull and The Happening. (Full Disclosure: Sexy’s uptight offspring works at the multiplex so entrance was free. Snacks were not.)
My husband promptly fell asleep on Indy, blaming it on his meds. My diagnosis for the nap? The heavy dose of dullness emanating from the screen! And I’ve been a big fan of the series for years. (Crabby and I saw the first one together and loved it!) The Skull's cheesy sets reminded me of the old Nickelodeon show, Legends of the Hidden Temple. The flick was neither fun nor believable enough to carry me through the shenanigans of Indy and his posse (I’m still snickering at the tin boat trip over three waterfalls.) The shout-outs to previous stunts in the series were amusing but, overall, I was really disappointed.
On to The Happening which takes place in my hometown of Philadelphia, so we enjoyed playing "I SPY" for familiar landmarks like Rittenhouse Square. Perhaps it was the stilted, preachy dialogue but I wasn’t feeling Mark Wahlberg’s performance AT ALL.(George Clooney is gonna have fun delivering payback, Marky.) At first I was mildly interested but as the movie went on and on and on, I decided I really didn't care. The disappearing honeybees provoked concern, but the airborne agent generating mass suicide? That provoked more guffaws than fear.
This is definitely not one of M. Night’s greatest. I know it’s difficult to follow up a bone-fide smash hit like The Sixth Sense. And I'm in the minority who think that Unbreakable was better than its reviews. I found The Village okay; “Lady In The Water” passable. Generally, I love Night’s humor and the tiny scary bits. But, I’m sorry, this one sucked.
Here's a callout to Hollywood: Stop stooping to the lowest common denominator and paying the same tired hacks for sophomoric scripts. And to the theaters: Banish the cell phones users! Ban the babies! Hire more ushers! I miss good flicks but these days I can't even find a good reason to exploit my kid's gig.
SexyChattyCatty comments periodically at CrabbyGolightly.com on TV, America's favorite snack food.Permalink
Posted June 26, 2008
OPRAH
Stop The Presses! Lock Your Freezers! Oprah Ends Her 'Vegan' Experiment!
IF YOU ARE AMONG THE SHEEP WHO HAVE CLICKED ON STORIES REGARDING OPRAH SAMPLING A VEGAN DIET FOR THREE WEEKS, CONGRATULATIONS ON BEING PART OF THE PROBLEM.
This is what passes for news? Let me correct you: this is example of the incestuous nepotism that America's corporate media passes for reporting. You are being fooled.
At last count, Oprah has business ties with CBS, ABC, Oxygen, Discovery, the Food channel, Hearst Publishing, the entire publishing industry save Random House (that tie was shattered into a 'Million Little Pieces'). And these are the ones that are obvious. Not to mention the bumps she produces for the tabloids, the celebrity mags and the producers of her "favorite" products.
Now she's expanding her power to the White House and will soon lord over the Lincoln Bedroom. Oprah does little without personal gain. So I congratulate her on risking the wrath of her audience for backing Barack Obama. Let's remind the media to keep an eye out for the deals Mr. Obama will make for her when he grabs the throne.
Whether you think Oprah is "good or diabolically evil," she has every right to pursue any business or personal relationship she likes. It's the media that has the obligation to connect the dots between her relationships. How can they fulfill their duty when they count on her to sell for them? Even the mighty New York Times has fallen victim to her wiles when The Oprah Winfrey Show cunningly renovated a cultural reporter's home. The reporter, Jesse McKinley, was ordered to reimburse the show but was allegedly quoted a price by the show far below the market value of the work. This is the insidious way TOWS works. Curiously, you can't find any mention of this moral lapse in the Times free archives.
Curiouser still is that Mr. McKinley continues to cover Oprah-related matters.
Here's a viewing suggestion for you: go rent Lions for Lambs for a crash course in media manipulation. Pay close attention to the movie's last scene when Iraqi war propaganda ticks by in type while some celebrity's hijinks commands the full screen. Then see if you can continue to read the news with your eyes wide shut after watching the movie. Here's hoping not.Permalink
Posted June 25, 2008
IN THE NEWS
Tired of Your Life? Outsource It For Fun and Profit!
UNLESS YOU ARE A JET-SETTER, COMMUNE CLOSELY WITH THE LORD, OR HAVE AN UNNATURALLY HIGH NATURAL OCCURRENCE OF SEROTONIN IN YOUR BRAIN, you probably are human enough to feel to feel the occasional existential angst of pointlessness.
Psssst? Wanna sell your life?
You can. Such is the modern apex at which we have arrived: where meaning, communications and commerce collide.
Meet Ian Usher, 44, who posted his life for sale on eBay, the package including a three-bedroom house in Perth, Western Australia, his car, motorbike, clothes and try-out for his job at a rug store. The wholesale dumping of his life came after what we can assume was a bad breakup of a 12 year relationship. How sad. What's even sadder is that the story's headline says Usher stopped taking bids at $2.1 million when he deemed the escalating price exceeded his life's worth. Very sad indeed!
(Actually, not really, but you have to read the fine print to find out the real deal.)
Usher isn't the first to offer his life for sale on the Internet. Australian philosophy student Nicael Holt, 24, offered his life to the highest bidder last year purportedly "in a protest about mass consumerism." Included in the sale were "eight potential lovers," so Holt wasn't kidding when he said he was a Socialist.
He wrote at the time, "I did this because I was a little intrigued as to what exactly constitutes a life; a little intrigued as to what people want that they aren't receiving from their current life; a little bit because I'm a socialist and was hoping to make a point that the amount and type of things that are for sale in this world is insane and wasteful; a bit because I was a little intrigued as to what makes me who I am and at exactly what point in this experiment will I lose it, if ever." Okay.
Another kook offered to sell his soul back in 2001. But eBay shut the auction because the sale didn't include anything ''tangible." No, his name was not Dorian Gray.
Perhaps the best example of shilling one's life is
John Freyer, who became a pop sociology project when he sold his possessions on eBay in 2001 and then later documented and or visited the items in their new homes. Even Freyer's domain name -- www.allmylifeforsale.com -- was sold: It is now a part of the ethereal permanent collection of the University of Iowa, Museum of Art.
Though Crabby rarely falls prey to the chest-swelling of prideful Americans, is Freyer not an example of America at its most ingenius? He turns a slacker life into a sociological project-cum-work-of-art-cum-book! He's living proof that marketing genius is in our ether. Permalink
Posted June 24, 2008
SPORTS
It's Gonna Happen! Chicago Cubbies Kick White Sox Back to Southside
YOU CAN FEEL IT IN THE AIR: THERE'S SOMETHING DIFFERENT THIS YEAR ABOUT THE PERENNIAL LOSERS THAT ARE THE CHICAGO CUBS.
Living a mere three blocks from that sacred shrine to baseball Wrigley Field makes it hard to be indifferent to the madness that engulfs Chi-Town every summer. Typically, my only interest is preserving about six feet of cement in which to jam my Subaru as legions of fans descend on the neighborhood to spill beer and pledge allegiance to the home team. And when they're not pissing in the bushes or yelling profanities in the wee hours, I can sometimes work up something close to sympathy for the sorry saps who've been waiting for 100 years for the team to win a World Series.
The last time the Cubbies took the Series was in 1908 against the Detroit Tigers. They've come close a couple times since, most recently in 2003 when I was paid to report on the frenzy from the street. I witnessed the grief of the fans when that cursed Steve Bartman earned the oppobrium of a city and an entry in Wikipedia. The Cubs were leading 3-0 during Game 6 of the National League Championship Series when Bartman tried to catch a foul ball with the team only five outs from reaching the Series since 1945. The Cubs argued for fan interference but umpire Mike Everitt rules against the call. And it was all downhill from there: The Florida Marlins
subsequently scored eight runs, forcing a 7th game that the Cubs lost.
But that was then and this is now, and Sunday night the Cubs wrapped up their 3-game sweep against the White Sox, the team that hails from Mayor Daley's side of town. As the Chicago Tribune reported today, "Ryan Dempster (9-2) remained perfect at Wrigley Field with eight-plus innings of one-run ball, improving to 9-0 while pitching the Cubs to their 14th straight home win, their longest streak since 1936. Dempster and the Cubs are traveling in a parallel universe, looking unbeatable at the corner of Clark and Addison Streets."
The crowd was rowdy as they made their way home through the neighborhood, passed pitcher Ted
Lilly's summer crash pad just around the corner from Dempster's digs. I guess I'm going to have to get used to the noise. For, as the true blue say, "It's gonna happen." So to Lilly, I say, "Sorry I wouldn't give up the parking spot." And to Dempster? I love dogs and thanks for the permanent souvenir! But a couple of tixs would have been classy!Permalink
Posted June 23, 2008
POP CANDY
What's The "Must-Have" For Your Disposable Marriage? A Flushable Dress!
CONGRATS TO KATRINA CHALIFOUX OF Illinois for winnning Ripley's Believe It Or Not! contest to make a wedding dress out of toilet paper.
Chalifoux, 46, spent two weeks making her gown adorned with a raised flower pattern from molded toilet paper. Why bother paying hundreds to thousands for a dress you'll wear for a few hours and then store for a half century?
Making your special dress out of T.P. is so much more ecofriendly, and guarantees that no stark reminder of an earlier mistake will be hanging around your house for decades! Permalink
Posted June 20, 2008
POLITICS
'New York' Mag Crowns Hillary Clinton Winner By Losing
TALK ABOUT DOUBLESPEAK. The cover story of the June 23rd issue of New York mag hails Hillary Clinton as the "patron saint of low-brow sinners." A historic, iconic feminist hero who ''won'' by losing. That's a load of crap, sold as cheap salve to those still tending fresh wounds. But losing is not the same as being a 'loser,'' as Hillary proved, if not so much to herself, then at least to her millions of supporters.
Now with Barack Obama flip-flopping on public financing of the general election, and with John McCain raising the specter of new nuclear power plants and offshore drilling, Crabby is adrift without a candidate. But as Scarlett O'Hara used to say, "I'll think about that tomorrow."
The mag's premature postmortem on Clinton's presidential ambitions pointedly suggests that husband Bill is guilty of (perhaps subconsciously?) tripping up his wife's campaign. It also paints Hillary as a better pol in loss, tough as nails to the end, and lacking in any self-pity. A woman with less faith would be feeling forsaken.
Author Thomas Mallon writes: "She isn’t a phony,” went the best explanation of Holly Golightly, “because she’s a real phony.” And now, thank goodness, so is that other transplant to New York, Hillary Clinton —- an authentic politician at last."
Here's hoping she allows herself a good cry, and then fights her way back to the field next time. In the meantime, this sinner will be praying for us and her. Permalink
Posted June 20, 2008
POP CULTURE
A Sign Of The Times? McDonald's Promotes Going 'Latte'
SCI FI BUFFS MIGHT BE FAMILIAR WITH THE MOVIE "The Lathe of Heaven,'' based on a 1971 novel by Ursula K. Le Guin, in which whatever the protagonist dreamed becomes reality, sometimes with unimaginable consequences. I only found out the name of the movie a few weeks back when I went in search of the flick that blew my mind. Because the guy dreamed that there would be an end to racism, and when he woke up, everybody was gray.
I've been thinking about that scene during this most recent presidential campaign, in which everybody feels they need to "take sides." Who knew that having a successful black candidate would bring out such vitriol from both blacks and whites. Just stop by any comment section on the campaign at AOL, Newsweek or The Huffington Post and you'll get a heaping serving of mistrust, suspicious, anger and outright racism. The fingerpointing is endless and tiring and, yes, sometimes even justified. But wouldn't it be nice if it would all just go away? Wouldn't it be nice if we could all just get along?
So here's a proposal: the only way to rid ourselves of racism is to promote interracial marriage. I'm thinking this is the wave of the future. And here's my proof: McDonald's likes the idea too. Because in a billboard not too far from my home promoting iced lattes, the fast-food monster with the megamillions advertising budget subtly suggests that we all would be beautiful if we mixed vanilla and cocoa. (And Asian and Hispanic. Everybody is invited into the mix!)
The billboard shows a cup of iced latte and hints at its origins: "If vanilla and coffee had a baby in Antarctica." Meaning mixing vanilla and cocoa would create this creamy caramel color, which Crabby thinks is actually so much better than the gray imagined in "The Lathe." And, speaking literally and generally, are biracial babies not some of the most beautiful babies in the world? (Yes, we know, every baby is figuratively beautiful; but let me make my point.)
Shiloh Jolie-Pitt's got nothing over Tiger Woods' gorgeous toddler Sam. Ditto Suri Cruise. 
And in my own family, one of the best looking offspring is a biracial nephew who is gorgeous, whipsmart and witty. (Russell, when are you getting your butt to college?) And, by the way, aren't Barack Obama and Tiger Woods both ideal and timely poster boys for the practice?
As McDonald's goes, so goes a nation. Would McDonald's playfully allude to biracialism if its time had not come? Doubt it. If this is what it'll take to eliminate racism, I say let's dive in those muddy waters, even if we can't foresee all the consequences. We are all in dire need of drastic change. And after we fix the racism bugaboo, we'll have to figure out how to eliminate that other pesky problem called sexism.Permalink
Posted June 19, 2008
POLITICS
Cutting Out The Middleman: Why Take Money From Lobbyists When You Can Funnel It Directly Through Elites?
AT THIS POINT, WE SHOULD ALL KEEP OUR FINGERS CROSSED THAT "THE MESSIAH" BARACK OBAMA CAN WALK ON WATER. Because we are going to need a divine hand in righting the wrongs of the last eight years. His ascent to the presidency seems preordained, at least according to astrologers, historians and even crooks and liars. Yet I can't shake the feeling that Obama isn't the man we've been waiting for.
For a campaign built on "change," the charismatic Senator likes his operatives old-school. By which we mean Chicago-style, quid pro quo, back-washing politics.
His chief strategist is political consultant David Axelrod, Mayor Richard Daley's elections' bagman, who now serves Illinois' two most powerful pols. Shortly after he lay claim to the Democratic nomination for president, Obama rushed back to Chicago to pay back Daley with an appearance at a rally celebrating Chicago making the final cut for the 2016 Olypics. As an example of Chicago politics, there were news reports that Daley had "invited" (cough, cough) city employees to attend the rally. More recently, I'm sure the relationship also had something to do with Obama moving his entire campaign out of D.C. and back to Michigan Avenue. Fundamental lessons: Paybacks are important in politics, and so is consolidating power.
Which is why it is troublesome that Obama chose Jim Johnson to serve on his vice-president research team. Johnson, former chairman of Fannie Mae, resigned from the post after he was fingered as possibly being a "friend of Angelo,'' or Angelo Mozilo, the CEO of Countrywide, the biggest U.S. home lender, who reportedly gave Johnson and other influentials good deals on mortgages.
Countrywide shoulders a lot of blame for underwriting risky loans that contributed to the current housing crisis, and Obama has repeatedly denounced the company while campaigning. Obama has also promised to rid the country of such special treatment for the elite, but his lackluster record in the Illinois legislature does not denote a man who is willing to take the lead. You've got to have balls to stand up to influence-peddlers, and as of this date Obama seems only willing to share his bed with them. As far as I'm concerned, the Hillary 'nutcracker' was a compliment; as of now there is no evidence that Obama will be one.
And then there's Obama's bloviating about not taking money from lobbyists, but the disingenuousness of that policy is just evidence that he's a lawyer. Obama has in fact built a money machine unequalled in politics with "bundlers," mostly fat cats, who solicit their private or business networks for donations.
According to the Chicago Sun-Times' Lynn Sweet, "Those at the top of the Obama fund-raising pyramid -- people who pledge to raise at least $250,000 -- get a gold VIP lapel pin with the letters "NFC" fashioned in the campaign's logo." The NFC stands for "National Fundraising Committee. And in the same April article, Sweet revealed that "each of the 138 Obama bundlers promised to raise at least $50,000, and many are from Chicago, not surprising since Chicago billionaire Penny Pritzker is the national finance chairwoman." Pritzker is the campaign's "money maven," and has her own questionable ties to the subprime loan industry.
Having Pritzker, ranked 135th on the 2007 Forbes list of richest Americans, is a signal to elites that Obama is open for business. And they have gotten the message and are getting in line. Even Rupert Murdoch, the man responsible for Bill O'Reilly and Sean Hannity of Fox TV, is sending smoke signals to the presumptive next president. Everybody wants to be on the winning side.
Having a black president is a milestone for the nation and I am especially excited about what this dream delivers to African Americans. But the question still looms large: What, other than "hope," will Obama deliver to his corporate bundlers?Permalink
Posted June 18, 2008
IN THE NEWS
Time Russert, the Un-Olbermann, Dies Suddenly At Work
WE ARE SADDENED AT THE SUDDEN DEATH OF NBC'S JOURNEYMAN NEWSMAN TIM RUSSERT. HE WAS OLD-SCHOOL ENOUGH TO BE a rare practitioner of journalism's code of "fair and balanced." His death leaves a void on the television news' landscape.
You can read more about the life, career and death of Russert at these places:
Tom Brokaw announces on the air that Russert has died. -- Reuters.
Russert's obituary. -- The Associated Press.
A statement released by President Bush and Laura Bush. -- The Atlantic.com.
Washington mourns the loss of Russert. -- The Wall Street Journal.
Why Russert was among Time's 100 Most Influential. -- Time.
Reactions from politicians and politicos. -- The New York Times.
Candidates in the 2008 Presidential race react. -- The Washington Post.
Russert "revolutionized Sunday morning television and infused journalism with his passion for politics." -- The Washington Post.
Russert stood for more than just politics. -- The Detroit Free Press.Permalink
Posted June 13, 2008
TELEVISION
This Is Your News Cracked: The Bloviator Keith Olbermann and the Blowhard from 'Nicetown'
I USED TO BE AMUSED BY KEITH OLBERMANN, MSNBC's bully pulpit. I was dazzled by his eloquence and taken in by the righteousness he wore on his sleeve. I was an early fan in the late 90s during his first go-round at MSNBC, captivated by his wit and his daily lacerations on the Monica Lewinsky scandal. And though I did not always agree with him, he was nevertheless the only must-see TV for me. Yet there were moments when the righteous mask slipped from his face and I saw glimpses of the carnival barker, and I suspected his real intentions: to sell more tickets.
Then, for various reasons I turned off the TV, put it in storage. And when I pulled it out again, Olbermann's big head and bellowing voice seemed to literally crash through the screen. I had been debriefed, and for the first time I was annoyed that cable news was first and foremost entertainment. I relished even more the real-time, honest conversations of C-Span.
Chris Matthews was always there in the background, feeding fodder for this political junkie-lite. And though he was a hometown boy from the not-so-nice neighborhood of "Nicetown," Matthews' analyses never seemed especially acute. Calling his show "Hardball'' seemed like the title an indulgent parent would give a coddled child's pitches. And watching it was like eating at a Greek restaurant because you loved Greek food, not because the chow was good.
Then Hillary Clinton ran for president. And all at once MSNBC became apparent for what it is: a frat house filled with women-haters. And since they were the cool kids in the media, who frequently threw parties and invited the less popular boys (Jonathan Alter, Howard Fineman, I'm talking about you) soon all the boys were trying to impress the alpha newshounds with their barks at Clinton. Crabby was flabberghasted when a media favorite Alter called for Hillary to get out of the race. That was back in March, before Hillary won Texas, Ohio, Pennsylvania and Kentucky, and despite Alter's claim to be "dreaming of a brokered convention for decades." Liar.
Now MSNBC's shrillness has gotten so ear-piercing that journalists with bona fides are speaking up.
News patrician Tom Brokaw had to correct Olbermann's claim that Clinton had "shoehorned" news coverage for herself. "Well, I think that's unfair," the elder-statesman said. "I don't think sheshoehorned her way in. When you look at the states that she won and the popular vote that she piled up, and the number of delegates that she has on her side, she's got real bargaining power in all of this."
As far as I know Olbermann did not make Brokaw one of his "Worst" persons in the world! Yet dare I say Olbermann proves her point when he anoints Katie Couric with that title after she criticized pundits who have "crossed the line" with their sexist slants against Hillary.
Time magazine claims the bloviator has blown his "last remaining gasket. "Every time he turns up the volume to 11 like this lately, he sounds like just another of the cable gasbags he used to be a corrective to,'' said James Poniewozik. Crabby couldn't say it any better.
But, surprise, surprise, guess who just beat Bill O'Reilly in the ratings? And the American Journalism Review wonders aloud if Olbermann is the "future of journalism." I'm not amused anymore by cable news. I'm frightened. Brokaw's gone, Couric's on the decline and Time is getting thinner.
And now we know why Olbermann's become the anti-corrective: the screaming sells. The carnival barker steps forth.Permalink
Posted June 12, 2008
CELEBRITY
Madge's Fiction, Or An Example of "Promotion" As Storytelling?
NO TRUER WORDS HAVE PROBABLY EVER BEEN SPOKEN BY MADONNA AS WHEN SHE TOLD VANITY FAIR, "You have to get to a point where you care as little about getting smoke blown up your ass as you do when you become a whipping boy in the press. Because, ultimately, they both add up to shit."
Of course there was more to that comment, but none of it is important at this moment. What is relevant is that Madonna admits to being impervious to having "smoke blown up" her ass. So what follows is either 1) She is a very poor listener. Or 2) She is every bit as capable of scattering scat herself.
And now we have some evidence: The British blog Holy Moly! alleges that Madge has been seen scouting out the offices of high-profile divorce lawyer Nicholas Mostyn allegedly to begin divorce proceedings against the best sex she's ever had, Guy Ritchie.
The rumored divorce comes mere months after Madonna was slogging the "happy" shit while promoting her new album Hard Candy. During her much-ballyhooed press tour, Madge pooh-poohed rumors that she and Guy were having marital difficulties and talked about how great sex is with Guy. On Monday, her longtime spokeswoman Liz Rosenberg outright denied the rumor saying that the story was "totally not true."."
So which comes first: Smoke-blowing? Or words adding "up to shit." We don't want to know what goes on in your bedroom, Madonna. Just get off the shit-spewing merry-go-round when you're selling something so we know who to believe.Permalink
Posted June 10, 2008
POP CANDY
Poetry In Motion: 826Chicago Holds A 'Prom'
AT LAST! CRABBY HAS IDENTIFIED ONE SUBSET OF INDIVIDUALS WHO ARE TRUE "CHANGE" AGENTS IN THE WORLD: the hipgeek volunteers of 826Chicago, an afterschool writing and tutoring group formed by that real life wonder boy Dave Eggers. Once he got rich off his cry-in-your-milk novel, "A Heartbreaking Work of Staggering Genius,'' the genius then took some of his gold and gave it away! (FYI, Crabby sobbed while reading that book.)
The result is seven drop-in tutor centers dotting the U.S. that bring joy to both those who give and take inside their doors. The Chicago center is, ho hum, tucked behind the The Boring Store, (big yawn!) in the city's ultrahip and urbanest neighborhood, Wicker Park. Last month, the center held a "prom" to raise money for the nonprofit tutoring center. Check out Sarah J's photos on Flickr. Then sob with joy upon realizing you have found your true peer group. Once that's out of your system, sign up to volunteer!Permalink
Posted June 10, 2008
TELEVISION
SexyChattyCatty: I'd Back Dwight Schrute Before McCain
TO QUOTE GERALD FORD, “MY FELLOW AMERICANS, OUR LONG NATIONAL NIGHTMARE IS OVER." (Sorry, Crabby.)Barack Obama is the Democratic presidential nominee and Hillary Clinton continues her good works, this time by endorsing her competitor. It’s been an exhilarating time for our nation and SexyChattyCatty’s been fists of fury on more than one occasion. Now for the real fight.
I must admit John McCain makes me chuckle when he said his VP was going to be The Office's Dwight Schrute. But he scares me when he backs President Bush’s policy of of wiretapping without warrants. And you wonder why I distract myself with mindless television?
Speaking of which, Top Chef was mildly exciting last week as viewers wondered if we had to endure another week of Lisa’s crossed arms and bitchface. A stint at home before the Puerto Rico closer (another contest wraps up on the Island?) and a new hairstyle did nothing to change her fucked-up attitude. She’s a replay of first season’s Tiffany, red hair and all. Even though she landed in the bottom two, she beat out sweet, home-cooking mom Antonia. I curse the producers. She has to go next. Remaining contestants Richard and Stephanie are clearly better chefs. One order of attitude for take-out, please.
You would think someone nicknamed Sexy would be excited about the upcoming program Swingtown. Not. Don’t get me wrong, Sexy gets buckwild when the time is right but she doesn’t particularly like crowds. Swingtown purports to show swinging couples in the ‘70’s, without showing actual sex. Reviews are tepid. I have a headache. Wake me up when it's over.
Speaking of voyeurism, Flavor Flav says he’s done with looking for love on TV and is gonna marry his baby momma. I bet! Brotherman now has a show on mynetworkTV where he once again pretty much plays himself in a Fresh Prince style household. From a back in the day hypeman to almost real network credibility, now that’s progress. Despite everyone thinking he’s somewhat of a buffoon, I heart Flav. His deep humanity peeks out every so often but you have to watch closely. There’ve been some moments he’s really touched me, as when he made sure a little girl who played accordion got a chance to jam on Surreal Life. He parlayed a one-shot deal on that show into 5 additional shows: Strangelove, 3 Flavors of Love and now Under One Roof. How you like my man now.
Welcome back Fox’s So You Think You Can Dance. So much better than American Idol. And while Randy Jackson Presents America’s Best Dance Crew (and longest named TV show) was a soaring success, Bravo’s “Step It Up and Dance,” was a poor contribution to TV competitions. I got so bored with it, couldn’t care less who won. (But hey, who won? Nevermind.) On SYTYCD I marvel at the roughnecks who do plies; the poppers who amaze with fluttering arms and impossible contortions. I cry for the dancers who needed someone to tell them they are brilliant. Yea, I know they still show way too many non-dancers who think they've got all the moves, but that’s fun too.
I caught the preview of She’s Got The Look, TVLand’s beauty pageant for the over-35 set. Here's the ingredients: Take beautiful black woman; stir in black woman with a braided rug hairstyle and leopard print catsuit; add a dollop of white woman who looks like Lily Munster; saute and set aside beautiful white woman; then combine with woman who once had a chance to model, chose wife and motherhood instead. Viola! A reality TV souffle! It should amuse and I’m looking forward to it.
Somehow, while choosing my favorites on Direct TV, I missed putting in the Style Channel. How I didn’t realize I was missing episodes of Split Ends is beyond me. But all is well now and Split Ends is better than ever. If you’ve never seen it the show sends two hairdressers to experience the culture of the others salons for three days. These hair out of place situations have brought tears to more than one stylist. The ego clashing is awesome. And at the end they all click their heels three times and say “there’s no place like home.”
SexyChattyCatty comments periodically at CrabbyGolightly.com on TV, America's favorite snack food.Permalink
Posted June 9, 2008
POLITICS
The "O" Team: Oprah as Obama's V.P.
OOOOOHHHHHHH! THAT ORGASMIC CRY COMES FROM THE CHOIR OF 'O' SUPPORTERS -- the messianics who pray at the altars of Barack Obama and Oprah Winfrey. Because the unimaginable can now be imagined: Might the Senator from Illinois choose the Saint from Chicago to be his running mate?
Yes, now is the time for every right-thinking Oprah fan to stand up and demand payback for her support: Hillary be damned! The V.P. slot belongs to Oprah!
Already Oprah's fans have called out to Obama to make her his Secretary of State or his Secretary of Treasurer on the web's best outpost for blather, The Huffington Post. And we know we can find at least one supporter of the idea of her as V.P.: Kansas school teacher Patrick Crowe started a "draft Oprah for president" campaign two years ago only to be served with cease and desist papers by Oprah's lawyers.
But that was two years ago, and we presume that what with her talk show, radio show, African school, magazine, future network and -- albeit -- failed prime-time reality show, the presidency might have been too much for even Oprah to chew, no disrespect implied about her weight.
But the vice-presidency largely bestows a symbolic post on its holder, although according to Wikipedia the post has frequently been used to "launch" presidential bids. We imagine this a way for Oprah to skirt voters' desire for years of public service to constituents, although she can point out that the people vote for her every single day when they watch her show or shell out $5 for her magazine.
And Oprah's got to be on the inside track: her second-best bud, Maria Shriver, is cousin to Caroline Kennedy, who is already on Obama's A-team for selecting a running partner. And the VP slot would be a natural way for the Senator to thank Oprah who expects payback for her support, widely seen as cutting into her daytime ratings. The divine and eternal Ms. O already has sent a reminder to Obama about who he needs to fall to his knees for.
While tongues wag that it's taking too long for "it's all about me" Hillary to bow out, Oprah released a statement advancing her newest trademarked project, the "Happy Dance."® (Uh-oh, Ellen, I smell co-opting going on! She'll do anything for ratings!)
Tireless (self) promoter that she is, Oprah says she's willing to go "door to door" for Obama in the fall, a twofer which will also allow her to help stem her ratings slide. And Michelle says it's okay as long as Oprah is on a different tour bus: With his tall and lanky self, Obama looks like a Stedman stand-in. And if the National Enquirer is to be believed, the two women are already fighting over who really is Barack's "first lady." Permalink
Posted June 6, 2008
POLITICS
Clinton Supporters, Now Take Aim At The MSM: "Misogynistic Sexist Media"
AS THE DEMOCRATIC PARTY TRIES TO CLOSE RANKS AROUND ITS HISTORY-BREAKING CANDIDATE, Hillary Clinton supporters try to make sense of why her candidacy was undermined so overwhelmingly by men in the media.
Salon's Joan Walsh tackled sexism's role during the primary season and linked to this YouTube call to arms by a group calling itself "Shut The Freud Up. In her article she pointed out how Jesse Jackson continued his fight for his candidacy up the way up to the Democratic convention in 1988 with little resistance from the party.
In her column today, Walsh argues that it is Barack Obama who needs to woo Hillary's 18 million voters. "Winning without overwhelming support from white Democratic women wouldn't be easy for Obama.'' she writes. "I have no doubt Obama and his supporters can reach these women, but first he has to try. I'll start with a few simple pointers for how to do it: Don't call them racist. Or old and irrelevant. And don't say Hillary Clinton has to do all the work to heal the breach; Obama has plenty he can do himself."
Thank God there is one high-profile woman journalist who can counter the poison pen of the New York Times' Maureen Dowd.
Here's what I suggest to Hillary supporters: let's not make it easy for the mainstream media to rewrite their role in this campaign so quickly. Already missing from the postmortems on Clinton's campaign is the hidden wire the media used to trip her up. Geraldine Ferraro is right to ask for an investigation. But the bitter white women who largely supported Hillary don't need further evidence. Just activate the YouTube prompt above and even listen a few minutes and you'll get a taste of the invective against Hillary specifically and women generally.
Clinton's candidacy may be vanquished, but women can still vote, call and write. So I say let's work actively to shudder the voices of the men -- and women -- whose misogyny dripped every time they opened their mouths. Obama promises "change." How about a clean sweeping of the media when the new administration takes office? The regimes of Glenn Beck, Maureen Dowd, Chris Matthews, Keith Olbermann, Tim Russert, Jonathan Alter and Howard Fineman have lasted too long and have a vested interest in making the future president look good. After all, they'll have had a large hand in putting him in office. And if they don't go away, turn off your TVs and cancel your subscriptions. Permalink
Posted June 5, 2008
TRAVEL
In Summertime, The Living Is Breezy in Cape May
NOTHING FROM THE NEWS PAGES INSPIRES A RANT FROM CRABBY THIS MORNING.
Not Barack Obama winning the Democratic Party's nod. (Congrats to you, Senator! Here's hoping the "our" in your "now's our time" mantra doesn't include Chicago cronies Rev. Jeremiah Wright, Rev. Michael Phleger, dealmaker Tony Rezko and Mayor Rich Daley!) Not the Queen's ice-picking Kate Middleton for her lack of a "career." (And can't we all see Diana, take two, a thousand miles away?). Not speculation as to why George Clooney dumped his girlfriend Sarah Larson? My question is why it didn't happen sooner? (Perhaps George was averting a lawsuit after he broke her foot while motorcycling?)
Or maybe I'm just longing for a summer getaway after stumbling on a reminder of a favorite retreat, Cape May, N.J.
The New York Daily News has a quick look at the century old Victorian seaside resort. Let's not confuse the town with upscale. But as a native Philly girl, Crabby appreciates the home-town proximity, fading painted ladies, the beach and its blue roots appeal.
There's also lots of lore about local hauntings. Crabby herself spent a week in a rented haunted house on Washington Street replete with ghostly images, flashing lights, unexplained noises and electrical outages. All of which make for fine family vacation memories.
So if you want to make an aging girl's dream come true, click on the Crabby's ads! Every little cent adds to her 'vacation fund.' Permalink
Posted June 4, 2008
POP CULTURE
Three "Reasons To Be Pretty"
MINUTES AFTER VIEWING LIONS FOR LAMBS, IT SEEMED FITTING THAT THE IMPORTANCE OF APPEARANCES DEMANDED CRABBY'S ATTENTION THROUGH THE WEB'S LOOKING GLASS. Three examples to wit:
The New York Times gives a terrific review to a new Neil LaBute play entitled, "Reasons to Be Pretty" that opened Monday night. The play is the last of a trilogy by LaBute "devoted to the contemporary obsession with physical appearance,'' writes the Times'Ben Brantley. "What makes this play resonate is less its Big Theme — beauty (or lack thereof) and its discontents — than how that theme illuminates the insecurities of people who don’t feel they have much to offer the world." Which is a wonderful idea to ponder if we remember to throw darts at the media and the ways in which so many of us so easily fall into its beauty traps.
One example: the new website "Facestat,'' which promises "market research for the individual." Basically you upload a picture of yourself and wait for strangers' judgments to pour in. "We'll ask a bunch of people questions like, "How old does this person look?" or "Does this person seem trustworthy?" Within a couple hours, you will have detailed statistics about how people feel about the picture you provide."
Crabby wonders how many hours of therapy this will generate? I feel really sorry for the people who submit their pics only to learn that strangers describe them as "disturbing" or "UpToTrouble" or as "ratlady." Here's an experiment: Do different photos of the same person elicit completely different judgements? And is it proof's pudding for the need to be obsessed with how you look? You'll find some different takes on the Facestat here at Buzzfeed.
And, finally, a reminder that beauty is our greatest protection from the contemporary predators we call media. Alas, if you don't have it, even the title "princess" doesn't protect you.
The former Duchess known as Fergie roared at the press for criticizing her daughter's size after photos appeared of Princess Beatrice frolicking seaside. The sight of Beatrice's buxom bod in size 10 swimsuit apparently was too much for Daily Mail columnist Allison Pearson, who sniped, "Can't someone buy that girl a sarong? For her sake, as well as ours." To which an indignant Fergie quipped, "Should we focus on [Pearson's] derriere?" Crabby doesn't need to actually see Pearson's rump to know she is a huge ass.
All further evidence of the need to be pretty. Girls, apply your lipstick!Permalink
Posted June 3, 2008
POLITICS
Monday Morning Quarterbacking
IT'S MONDAY. THE ROUTINE RESUMES, THE CLOCK STRIKES 12, WE MEET AND GREET AT THE PROVERBIAL WATERCOOLER. If Crabby were spending time at one, here's what she'd say:
Hillary wins another "symbolic" primary. That's a lot of symbolism, folks. Even the BBC raises its eyeshade with the headline, "Media see hollow Clinton victory." I don't think winning California, New York, Pennsylvania, Ohio, and Florida add up to "symbolism." The media has done a dozy of a job shoving one particular candidate to the front of the pack. I definitely back Geraldine Ferraro's call for a study of sexism in media coverage.
The caricature of a white man acting black that is Rev. Michael Pfleger finally forced Barack Obama to play his final card: the Illinois Senator handed back his membership card to the United Church of Christ on the South side of Chicago. This is what your momma means when she tells you to be careful about the company you keep. Two ministers, both longtime so-called spiritual advisors to
Obama, have worked mightily to derail their highest-status member. Now Rev. Pfleger alleges deep contrition for insulting Hillary. I say spout that line in confession, Father.
Somewhere out there, they're watching us. The 'who' are aliens, and a Colorado man says he has the video to prove it. "The evidence is very compelling, very convincing, and this video is really just a small slice of the bigger body of evidence that really confirms extraterrestrial beings do exist, they've visited our planet,'' said Jeff Peckman. "There's been a lot of interactions. The federal government certainly knows this and now were just trying to bring it to the local level." Apparently the aliens collectively need scripts for selective serotonin reuptake inhibitors to get over their shyness. Alien-beings, step out from the shadows! The Vatican says that we should love you as our brothers and sisters!
There was lots and lots of sex this weekend, just perhaps not in your and my bedroom. Sex and the City, the movie, had the biggest debut on record for a romantic comedy, taking in $55.7 million over the weekend, the fifth-highest debut for an R-rated film. The news sent producers and Warner Bros. executives' squealing with the possibility of more 'Sex.' Girlfriends last forever, don't cha know?
Finally, the kiddies entertained themselves this weekend at the MTV Movie Awards, where Lindsay Lohan inadvertently flashed photographers, making their day. Fan favorite Johnny Depp took home two golden popcorn statues. The ceremony was held at Universal Studios Hollywood, despite a fire on the studio lot there at the weekend. Oh to be young and beautiful.
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