ADVERTISING
Meet 'Benjamin Bradshaw B.,' The Un-Marketeer
While most industrialized countries have been environmentally-focused for years, Americans have just jumped on the "green" initiative (or should I say “trend”) about 18 months ago.
This was when so-called hip brands like Gap introduced its new organic cotton, berry-dyed, bamboo-button accented signature polo that still fits like crap but is softer and “environmentally friendly.” (But you still get to shop in the florescent-lighted, faux-wood accented, white wall atmosphere while a fake-tanned gay man in capri pants helps you pick out synthetic nylon belts, but I digress).
The eco-friendly clothing trend is settling now, (& I extend a thank you to the retail gods), but the grocery store isn’t so lucky. Manufacturers of bleach and fruit punch alike are still emerging with new wannabe earth-conscious formulas and packaging that really shows their true color: that sickly shade of greed.
Take this soothing ad for Zephyrhills bottled water for instance. Any picklehead knows that plastic water bottles are on the top of the anti-environment list next to George W. Bush and Wal-Mart. Nothing makes me want to spend my beer money on this infamous wastemaker less than this ad that is literally trying to distract me from the polluting man behind the curtain.
Wasn’t it just yesterday that water bottlers succeeded in convincing me to even pay for water? My grandfather laughed at such new-age mumbo jumbo as he swigged free, chlorine-scented, lead-laced mystery water from the tap. Now that studies show that we're all being unwittingly drugged, the corporate creatives are trying new tricks to convince American people into mass-consuming bottled water, clothing, et. al with whatever marketing scheme it takes. The result: chemicals are the new carbs and the environment is the new killer whale.
With this in mind, I vow to only purchase from companies that don’t try to trick me with shitty ads like showing Windex next to a babbling brook, or the Wal-Mart logo in a pastural meadow. And when I do wash harmful dish soap chemicals down my drain, I’ll own up to their environmental unfriendliness instead of shrugging & pointing to their new recyclable, enviro-bottle.
Reduce, Reuse, Recycle. Drink beer from the tap. But, for god sakes, never wear Birkenstocks.
Benjamin Bradshaw B. is a fashion merchandising student who will comment periodically at CrabbyGolightly on fashion and advertising. You can reach him at Myspace.com/taterzz.com.Permalink
Posted July 31, 2008
IN THE NEWS
This Love Story Is So...Predictable. Crabby's Challenge: Write A Better Ending
ELCOME TO CRABBYGOLIGHTLY.COM'S FIRST WRITING CONTEST! All you have to do it come up with a better ending to the subterranean love story between Patrick Moberg and the "New York girl of his dreams."
You know the phenomenom called love at first sight? Well, seems Moberg, a 20-something New York web designer, spotted a rare specimen on the No. 5 subway between Brooklyn and Manhattan one day last November and decided she was his ''it girl.''
So he did the obvious thing: He created a webpage, sketched a drawing of the exotic flower he was pursuing, and then sent it into the web's ethers. Lo and behold, within 48 hours he had located the mysterious girl, who turned out to be Australian Camille Hayton, then an intern at BlackBook magazine. (Crabby suspects for free, no doubt?) A friend had spotted Moberg's sketch and recognized his fantasy Fraulein as Camille.
And the rest is...predictable. Hayton, flattered, said, 'why not?' for a little while. But two months later, she opted out of a relationship that we guess was suffocating because of its strict romantic idealism. "We dated for a while but now we're just friends," she told Australia's The Sunday Telegraph. "It's really nice that people embraced the story. It is part of my life now."
No, no, no, no, no! This is not good enough. You do not go on TV, make headlines around the world, then quietly become "friends." It's just not done!
So here's the deal: Crabby wants creative types to come up with a better ending, send it to Crabby Golightly, who will publish the best entries. Deadline for entries: August 5th. The best storyline, as deemed by Crabby, will get a $50 Starbucks card, or in the rare event that the winner is from New York a $50 MetroCard.Permalink
Posted July 29, 2008
IN THE NEWS
Finding Meaning Before The Darkness
NTHROPOLOGISTS AND SOCIO-BIOLOGISTS CONTEND THAT HUMANS ARE HARD-WIRED TO SEARCH FOR GOD or its nonsectarian equivalent, the meaning of life.
Examples abound about our constant craving: everything from the "Obama Phenomenon," to the Oprah swoon to a plumber seeing the Virgin Mary in a rusty sink and Princess Diana conspiracy theories all point to our relentless search for meaning. To believe in nothingness seems against our nature.
Dr. Randy Pausch has joined our panthenon of purpose. The Carnegie Mellon computer science professor whose last lecture became an Internet sensation and bestselling book cowritten by Wall Street Journal reporter Jeffrey Zaslow, has died of pancreatic cancer at age 47.
Professor Pausch delivered his last lecture on "childhood dreams" last September, about a month after he received his terminal diagnosis. He filled the 76-minute talk with stories about his apparent idyllic childhood, his childhood to-do list, and his life's work. Among the lessons he imparted were these quotes:
"Loyalty is a two-way street."
"When you’re screwing up and nobody’s saying anything to you anymore, that means they gave up...When you see yourself doing something badly and nobody’s bothering to tell you anymore, that’s a very bad place to be. Your critics are the ones telling you they still love you and care."
"Apologize when you screw up and focus on other people, not just yourself.”
“Remember brick walls let us show our dedication. There are there to separate us from the people who don’t really want to achieve their childhood dreams. Don’t bail; the best gold is at the bottom of the barrels of crap.
"When you do the right thing, good stuff has a way of happening. Get a feedback loop and listen to it. Your feedback loop can be this dorky spreadsheet thing I did. Or it can be just one great man who tells you what you need to hear. The hard part is the listening to it. Anybody can get chewed out; it’s the rare person who says, “Oh my God, you’re right."
"Don’t complain; just worker harder....Be good at something. It makes you valuable. Work hard. Find the best in everybody. Be prepared. Luck is truly where preparation meets opportunity."
"You can’t get there alone – People have to help you, and I do believe in karma. I believe in paybacks. You get people to help you by telling the truth, being earnest. I’ll take an earnest person over a hip person every day because hip is short term. Earnest is long term."Listening to the lecture might cause you to think that the euphoric-seeming Pausch really was in denial, despite his direct rejection of this charge. "I don’t know how not to have fun. I’m dying and I’m having fun. And I’m going to keep having fun every day that I have left."
And there are times that you hate yourself for noticing the contradictions in his words. For instance, some of the most successful people I know are the biggest liars. Loyalty, especially in business, seems a particularly dead concept, and would be banished as a ridiculous assumption by employees by the current Supreme Court. And if living a good life earns you good karma, dammit, then why the hell is this Dr. Zest dying of cancer?
It is only in the lecture's last words that you can forgive Dr. Pausch for repeating platitudes. It is then that he reveals his intended audience.
"Did you figure out the head fake?,'' he asks. The talk's "not about how to achieve your dreams. It’s about how to lead your life. If you lead your life the right way, the karma will take care of itself. The dreams will come to you. And have you figured out the second head fake? The talk’s not for you; it’s for my kids.”
He was leaving a legacy for his kids. In the end, his three children and wife are what mattered most. And I can understand wanting your children to believe in every possibility. I can find meaning in that.
Permalink
Posted July 27, 2008
BRANGELINA
Report: St. Angelina's New Babes Delivered By Divine Medical Intervention
ND SO NOW WE KNOW, OR THINK WE KNOW, OR MIGHT KNOW, OR -- OH, WHO CARES? -- SOMEONE IS SAYING OFF-THE-RECORD THAT new celebrity angels Vivienne Marcheline and Knox Leon Jolie-Pitt are the miraculous result of an Immaculate Conception.
According to that celeb bible US Weekly, the Brang brand was in such a hurry to propogate their genes that they skipped the old fashion method, (but we presume pretended a lot?), and instead went for the twofer plan at the invitro clinic, which wags call an expensive procedure. Surely they're jesting? Expensive to lowly scribes, perhaps, but to Brad and Ang, the estimated $12,000 amounts to a carelessly-left tip.
Says the alleged "well-placed source," Angelina "chose the procedure so she wouldn't have to deal with the stress of trying to get pregnant. She could just knock it out."
Viv and Knox were born July 12 in a hospital in Nice, France shortly after 6 p.m. The Jewish obstetrician delivered word to his people through the JTA, the Global News Service of the Jewish People, that Angelina was "so, so nice and never complained about anything. There are negative things sometimes written about her on the Internet, but don't believe them.” (To which Crabby wonders: Who'd be mean to the doctor seeing your crowning waxed lips up close?)
Although the shortcut to twins sounds creepy, who could blame Ang? With her soon approaching her woman's sexual peak, she might have another seven years of youthful beauty left before she's reduced to vetting offers for movies like "Momma Mia!" . (And that is not an insult; Crabby adores Meryl Streep, who as far as she can remember never once shuffled her children in front of paparazzi to sell a movie.)
Why bother, if you're a celebrity, worrying about procreation cutting into potentially profitable years? Who wants to carry the extra weight around? By conceiving in a petri dish, Ang saves herself a full year of profits, which are estimated by Forbes to about $14 million annually. Well worth the investment of a $12,000 lab procedure, don't cha think?
And since we brought up paps, daddy Pitt is threatening to sue anyone who publishes photos of his children snapped frolicking at his rented French estate with a long-eyed lens. Brad must be seething that anyone but he and Ang could make money off photos of their children. Oh, how self-centered these celebrities are! They want their cake and to eat it too. And they can! Permalink
Posted July 25, 2008
POP CANDY
Grrrrllllll! You Feline Vixen You! You Tease! You Chameleon! You Warbling Chanteuse!
URRRRRRRRR.
Don't I look pretty? What mood are you in, master? Shall I be a saint? A sinner? A witch or wildcat? Demure, or pure in my Sunday best? A fairy tale? Tell me what you desire, master.
My reluctant friends at BuzzFeed turned me on to this Japanese website catering to the machinations of cat owners with too much time on their hands. You can read it here in English . The creator of Cat Prin confides in an online interview that her endeavor followed hearing a voice from the sky to "do something this year!"
That was back in 2000 and the rest, as they say, is history.
And I can think of nothing else to say, except thank God for the WWW and its glorious daily revelations.
Surely it will bring us all together, making the world a smaller, more peaceful place? Permalink
Posted July 23, 2008
TELEVISION
"Date My Ex" Is Bravo's Surreality TV, Or The World According To Narcissists.
EY BRAVO, I CONFESS I'M ADDICTED TO YOUR SHOWS LIKE AN ''INTERVENTION'' SUBJECT.
I teared up when I heard that Project Runway was leaving for Lifetime. I shamefully admit that I'm even looking forward to the next season of Top Design! So why, why did you have to poison the field with “Date My Ex?”
As your promos stated, we did get to know Jo De La Rosa (Yuck!)and Slade Smiley (Double yuck!) on “The Housewives of Orange County,” and we didn’t like them then. They weren’t married and she wasn’t a housewife, just a spoiled young woman who smiled a lot and pouts prettily. She said she wanted to work but didn’t (because Slade wouldn’t allow it).
She’s a gorgeous woman who traded her beauty for yellow diamonds, big houses and expensive cars. I always got such a fake and phony vibe from the two of them.
Their breakups were always followed by her whining to her friend JJ and Slade sampling the human meat market. Once with a friend of hers, another time bringing a babe-alicious date to a “Housewife” barbecue he knew she’d be attending. Such a cad!
Slade pretended to practice tough love, insisting that if she wanted to go live by herself in L.A., well, she should just go. She did. Yaaaay. He soon followed. Boooo. Next thing you knew she was trying to launch a “singing” career with his help. He’s her “manager.” Well, he has managed to keep them in the public eye a lot longer than necessary. He’s Bravo’s Spencer Pratt.
Date My Ex begins with a fake chat with Jo and two of her friends, Myia Ingoldsby and Katy Metz, (where’s JJ? I liked her!) about life, love and Slade. They even raise the possibility they could end up back together. Oh, please. We all know he’s still paying girlfriends bills. The best they have for a future is a sweaty workout in a silk-sheeted sack.
One of Jo's new best friends turns out to also be the host of this new dating game. For eight weeks Jo will be wined and dined by 4 suitors per week until she finds her new and improved, Slade, with Slade’s help. He’ll be living with them.
Her friends have supposedly arranged these dates. But after the initial crop of guys show up, Slade drops in to offer this warning, "No one knows Jo better than me, which means that no one probably has more influence over her." I rest my case.
I quit “Date My Ex” about 11 minutes in. It came on at 10 p.m. and I have to be up early. Why waste precious sleep time on this dreck? And, oh, did I tell you, I just don’t like them. Good luck, Jo. I’ll leave you with the wisdom of one Judge Judith Sheindlin -- Beauty fades, dumb is forever.
SexyChattyCatty comments periodically at CrabbyGolightly.com on TV, America's favorite snack food.
Permalink
Posted July 23, 2008
CELEBRITY
The Many Faces Of Bill Murray: Good Luck Translating
HERE IS THE OCCASIONAL CELEBRITY ABOUT WHOM THE PUBLIC HAS THE GOOD SENSE NOT TO BELIEVE THEY 'KNOW.'
Actor, comedian, loyal Chicago Cubs fan, bear-of-a-husband, golf enthusiast, Bill Murray is such a man.
I wonder what the obsessive Murray fan delusionally tells himself: That Murray gives a shit what you think? That he frets over pleasing you in his next film performance? That the two of you could meld together in your mind's
mosh pit? You really must be certifiable.
Mr. Murray comes to my attention today as we learn that the recently divorced father will parachute from a plane during next month's Chicago Air & Water Show.
The native Chicagoan will jump tandem with the Golden Knights skydiving team on Aug. 15. He is scheduled to drop from the air as "Carol Brady", a.k.a. Florence Henderson sings the national anthem. We doubt there will be any comment to the press afterward; Mr. Murray rarely bothers actually talking to the press. He doesn't need them, an agent, anyone or anything.
The closest we'll ever get to him is through the glint captured in the celluloid images he leaves in his trail. He is indifferent to our invasive need to know.
Permalink
Posted July 22, 2008
POP CULTURE
Fighting Fashion Crime One Saggy-Baggy-Pants-Wearing Kid At A Time
O! GOOD MORNING FROM CHI-TOWN! Looks to have been an exciting weekend for news, one which will keep Crabby serving up bite-sized snarky snacks for days.
But to begin the week, I want to bring your attention to the new official dress code in Lynwood, Ill., a city of 7,600 on the southern outskirts of Chicago where apparently pants held up with belts is the preferred method of dress.
According to The Associated Press, the town's mayor Eugene Williams says that boys wearing baggy pants are scaring new businesses away from the community. So officials passed an ordinance that allows the ticketing of anyone caught showing three inches or more of their underwear in public. The fine? Twenty-five buckaroos.
Lynwood isn't the first municipality to pass such a law. And, of course, reports are that the American Civil Liberties Union thinks the law unconstitutionally targets African Americans.
This one leaves me baffled. On the one hand, I can understand not wanting to see anyone's butt crack or Spongebob yellow boxers. Saggy pants as fashion statement seem, duh, unfit to me. But Crabby professes not to know much about fashion whether it be found along Chicago's Gold Coast or on the streets of Lynwood.
Here's my thought: Does it not seem as though there is a dearth of creativity among Lynwood officials? Why risk the ACLU's wrath when humor is a better weapon?
Why not put up billboards showing droopy drawers and asking if the community really wants to air their 'dirty laundry?'
How about a "baggy pants Amnesty" campaign, where one can trade in their oversized denims for a gift card to Old Navy? Or even more proactively, how about a "jobs for suited youths" public program?
Officials could also have invited Dwaine Caraway from Dallas to bring his national crusade against baggy pants to Lynwood.
I'm sympathetic to Lynwood's butt blight but, come on people, think of something more clever than turning local government into a laughingstock. Permalink
Posted July 21, 2008
MUSIC
Stuck a Fork In It And It Ain't Done: Public Enemy Still Cooking With "Magnum Opus" It Takes A Nation of Millions To Hold Us Back
LL THE COOL KIDDIES AND WANNABES OF CHICAGO ARE HANGING OUT THIS WEEKEND AT THE PITCHFORK MUSIC FESTIVAL, A THREE-DAY ALTERNATIVE MUSIC EXTRAVAGANZA AT THE CITY'S UNION PARK.
By sheer good fortune, Crabby found herself hanging on opening night, where she expected to cut out early after she cruised the crowd, drank a root beer and perused the goodies at the craft tables.
But then Public Enemy took the stage, and Crabby pinched her way to the middle of the crowd where she could partake in the 20th anniversary celebration of PE's widely acclaimed album It Takes A Nation of Millions To Hold Us Back, regularly ranked among the best albums ever recorded. That spot was evident on Friday night as the product seemed fresh picked from the hood, no expiration date evident. Twenty years late, Crabby's gonna have to buy the CD.
Chuck D and Flava Flav, wearing his trademark oversized wall clock (which Crabby swears she saw last week at Target) promised to rock until organizers pulled the plug, performing 45 minutes past the closing time and ignoring 'flashes' tipping them that it was time to end the show.
Yet the group's clearly provocative lyrics -- along with some political verbal bombs thrown in for good measure -- ("Fuck George Bush!" was a recurring theme; and maybe I'm imaging things, but I could swear there was some allusion to Obama as the "coming Messiah." ) seemed to have lost the power that they surely had two decades ago. In the interim, Public Enemy's become a well-packaged product that's easily sellable to the largely white appreciative crowd populating Pitchfork. I guess that means we've come a long way, huh?
Pitchfork continues threw Sunday night with performances by Animal Collective, The Hold Steady, Dinosaur Jr., Spoon, and Cut Copy among others. Tixs are sold out but of course there are those to be had through scalpers. You can catch some of the performances through the festival's live feed here. Permalink
Posted July 19, 2008
POP CULTURE
The Dirty Secret's Out -- We've All Used Racist Slang; Now Let's Tackle The Important Work
O ONE KNOWS WHAT GOES ON BEHIND CLOSED DOORS -- UNLESS THE MICROPHONE IS ON. Oops! Another person caught with his pants down, now everyone gets crazy.
So now White America gets an earful lately of what goes on in black America every day. But they’re getting it without the context. And the context is having lived your life as a black person in America.
You hear the N-word so much that you're inured to it. Not that that's okay, but some things in life are not gonna change. I personally don’t say the word, but I confess: have uttered it in my lifetime. And no it's not okay, regardless of whether you end it with an “er” or a “ga.” I have friends who say it and I wince but I don’t correct them. They’re not gonna change. I’ve changed my thinking; they did not. Whatevs.
Jesse Jackson is my figurative uncle and Rev. Wright, my godfather. There are people in my family who use the 'N' slang and have all of their lives. And they ain’t gonna change now. It’s unfortunate, but that’s how it is.
So Jesse has egg on his face after campaigning loudly for the end of use of that word, then whispered it himself. I do believe he may be slightly jealous of Obama’s seemingly smooth ride to the Oval office. I don’t want to call Jesse a “poverty pimp,” but those private utterances seem to slant that way.
We all have our prejudices and peccadilloes. They are peculiar to how we were raised, what neighborhood we live in, our families, friends, teachers, the state of the world at any given time and, yes, choice. And while we may invite other races into our homes, into our lives, we still don’t talk the same way we would if everyone in the room were the same race. And we all know that is true, whatever tribe you claim.
Jesse has accomplished much over the years for black people in America. Jeremiah Wright has done much good through his church work. Barack Obama is going to be the next president, for gosh sakes. Yet they are still not perfect, damn it.
Here's my hope for the future with Obama as Mr. President: That we'll really start talking about both systemic racism, and yes, black victimhood, instead of pointing out things that ain’t gonna change.
Sista SexyChattyCatty periodically contributes to CrabbyGolightly on TV, America's favorite snack food.Permalink
Posted July 18, 2008
POLITICS
Obama's Sleight of Mouth: 'The New Yorker Cartoon Is An Insult to Muslims
OOK! OVER THERE! No, no, not at the man behind the curtain. Look at this magazine, the one that portrays me and my wife as Muslim terrorists! How Dare They? Who Do They Think They Are?
That would be The New Yorker, just the oldest, most prestigious literary magazine of which the U.S. can boast. With much, much, more gravitas than Barack Obama can claim at this baby stage in his career.
Yes, we realize he will be the next president. And though Crabby still suffers from, oh -- what do you call it? -- bitterness over how the Democratic primary campaign went, she also has adopted an "How can he be worse than what we've had for eight years?" attitude about the junior Senator from Illinois. I'll just vote for Ralph Nader or write in HRC and won't wear any of the dirt when he produces 'more of the same.' And why should this year be any different than those that came before? When Crabby could not vote for either party's orthodox candidate (Bill Clinton excepted.) But Crabby digresses.
So now we have a faux furor over a magazine cover that mocks "the politics of fear." Listen up, folks, if the New Yorker really meant to feed conspiracies, the cartoonist would not have drawn Barack and Michelle wearing satisfied smiles. Instead, they would be all scowls, snarling lips and furrowed brows. But these are not angry blacks on the cover. That would have been stereotype. And if the two had been portrayed as mad, that would have been the insult.
But let's throw attention to the cover! Let's say it's an insult to American Muslims! Because if we say that enough, it will distract attention away from the Obama campaign moving American Muslims off-stage at campaign events. Wouldn't want the American general public to get the wrong ideas now, would we? Wouldn't want them to think that Obama, the candidate of "change," operates a big tent? Wouldn't want them to think he was really "different," wink, wink. No, no, let's pander to that great white wave of American voters as seen through the black hole called TV.
Who's Obama hired as his event coordinators? The Oprah Winfrey Show audience department?
As the Los Angeles Times asks, "Can't anyone take a joke?
Well, yes, at least one person: When Crabby saw the cover, she laughed! My recommended prescription for those who see conspiracy.
Permalink
Posted July 16, 2008
CELEBRITY
He Is Because She Is: The Incredible Conceit of Madge's Disappointment In Her Brother
FTER A LIFETIME SPENT HAWKING EVERYTHING YOU OWN FOR PUBLICITY -- NUDE PICTURES, SEX SECRETS, AFFAIRS OF THE HEART -- YOU CAN BET THAT MADONNA'S BROTHER PICKED UP A FEW TIPS ON HOW TO SELL.
So it seems a bit disingenuous that Madonna's spokeswoman Liz Rosenberg confesses that her client finds it "very upsetting" that her big brother "has decided to sell a book based on his sister."
WTF? This fact seems to speak to me more volumes than any of the nuggets of gossip that have found their way from book to print. As New York mag puts it, "The general sentiment is that the book will reveal that 1) Madonna's marriage is struggling, 2) Madonna is a cutthroat businessperson, 3) Madonna cares only about herself, and 4) Madonna is kind of a bitch. To which we say: "Um, yeah?" EVERYONE ALREADY KNOWS THAT."
There will be no truths revealed that we do not already know. But Christopher Ciccone adds a power aid to his juice, and why not? He is an eyewitness to the publicity machinations of a media machine, and he more than most knows that it's all a game.
Now as the book gets released today, the headlines' frame it as Madonna being "betrayed." Here's what I call him: smart opportunist. Why shouldn't he be allowed to play the game he's witnessed so well?Permalink
Posted July 14, 2008
BRANGELINA
Sun in Cancer? Moon in Scorpio? Yikes, These Sulking Babes Will Be Hot!
HEY'RE HERE! THEY'RE HERE! The much-anticipated births of the Brangelina twins have arrived, reportedly arriving about 8 p.m. in a hospital situated along the rocky beaches of Nice in southern France.
The wee ones, anointed Vivienne Marcheline and Knox Leon, arrived in the world at the very, very, top of Status Mountain.
There has been wild speculation that the first photos of Viv and Knox, as they are fated to be called, could fetch as much as $15 million. But several media outlets are reporting that the paparazzi's First Family have already contracted the photos for $11 million. Crabby's betting that publication will be by the celeb-enabling People.
We predict that the Jolie-Pitts will soon appear looking like perfection itself in a magazine photo spread, and then disappear from the face of the earth for at least six months as St. Ang. and Father Brad resign themselves to the massive undertaking they've created: raising a brood of six!
But enough from Crabby! There are more important things to reveal, like what does the twins' astrological chart predict about their futures? Crabby asked the stars so you don't have to wait to find out. And here is what the computer spit out:
Rising Sign in Capricorn
Practical and reserved, but very ambitious. An achiever and a hard worker, you respect success. Older looking and very serious as a youth, things lighten up and you relax more as you mature. You have a serious view of the world as being a difficult place to be in. Very envious of those who seem to have an easier life than you have, relaxation and play do not come easily. It is important that you had abundant parental support as a child so that you do not feel lonely and isolated as an adult. Generally, you have a good, earthy sense of humor that can carry you through when times really do get tough. You are purposeful, self-willed, industrious, realistic and responsible.
Sun in Cancer
Very emotional and sensitive, you have an intuitive understanding of the "vibes" around you. You tend to be quite generous, giving, loving and caring, but only when your own needs for emotional support, love and security have been met. If they are not met, you tend to withdraw into yourself and become very insecure and selfish. Your home and family (especially your mother or the person who played that role for you early on) represent security for you and thus assume a larger-than-life importance. Very sentimental, you have vivid and long- enduring memories of the past. No matter how well adjusted you are, you will always need a secret quiet place of your own in order to feel at peace. Feeding others can give you great pleasure you would enjoy being part of a large family.
Moon in Scorpio
Your feelings are very intense, never superficial. You tend to be either very angry or very sad or completely and totally happy. Your moods are deep, extreme and not always completely understood by yourself or by those with whom you have to deal. Emotionally, you tend to prefer to live at the cutting edge of life, pushing your reactions to the ultimate extremes, even if the results are dangerous or upsetting. (Crabby note: Will they kiss each other at some future award ceremony?) You are easily jealous and very suspicious -- you require a great deal of emotional reassurance. A good detective, you are very curious about deep and mysterious things, especially human nature and motivations. Be careful not to be ruthless, tactless or too overly frank or you will meet with much resistance from others.
Mercury in Cancer
Your emotions tend to rule your thought processes. You have difficulty seeing life objectively. You have an excellent memory, especially about things to which you have formed an emotional bond. You prefer ideas and thoughts that are known and familiar, and therefore tend to dislike fads or radical ideas. The beliefs and traditions of your family and culture are very important to you. Your thinking becomes quite unclear when you are emotionally shaken -- try not to make major decisions when you are upset. Let things calm down first.
Venus in Cancer
You like to be very close to other people. You need emotional support yourself and are willing to give it to others. When you feel unloved and insecure, you can be very jealous and possessive. You are not interested in casual or superficial relationships -- only deep emotional involvements interest you. Your faithful devotion is one of your greatest gifts, but be careful not to become too dependent on others. Learn to stand on your own two feet and demand your own rights once in a while.
Mars in Virgo
Very careful and systematic, you pay great attention to details. You are always seeking perfection and sometimes get bogged down searching for the ultimate when adequacy would have been sufficient. You dislike abstractions, preferring whatever is practical, useful and demonstrable. You have a strong and enduring sense of personal responsibility, and you demand that others be as responsible and upright as you are. Very critical of yourself and others, sometimes you carry this too far and become overly intolerant of others and their right to choose their own lifestyles.
Jupiter in Capricorn
You tend to feel that the only results that are worthwhile are the results that are concrete and demonstrable. You distrust abstract solutions and appreciate measurable achievements. An excellent organizer and planner, you are optimistic as well as practical and realistic about what can and what cannot happen. Very responsible, you consider it a personal weakness to be wrong about anything. You are very efficient but you tend to be cool and detached.
Saturn in Virgo
Your life must be orderly and practical and full of known and familiar routines in order for you to feel comfortable with yourself. Be careful, however, not to let "order" become the be-all and end-all of your life, or you may become cold, crass and unfeeling. Doing useful, practical things boosts your self- esteem. Abstract concepts and reasoning seem frivolous and a waste of time to you. You are very critical of yourself (and others), indeed at times quite self-deprecating. Try to relax a bit and allow yourself the freedom to fail once in a while. However, you probably won't fail very often because you are such a perfectionist.
Uranus in Pisces
You, and most of your peers, are extremely idealistic and want to change society by completely reorienting its highest religious goals and aspirations. Just be careful to make sure that your new goal structures are properly grounded in reality.
Neptune in Aquarius
You, and your entire generation, will idealize and even venerate the ability to remain detached. There will be a concerted effort on your part to cure the ills of society as a whole. But be very careful to continue to maintain and protect the rights of individuals in the midst of these potentially far-reaching changes.
Pluto in Sagittarius
For your entire generation, society's cherished beliefs and totems will be radically changed. Many traditional concepts will be totally altered, if not completely destroyed. The rights of individuals to pursue their own course in life will be reasserted.
So there you have it, folks! The two seem destined to have fiery, public, idealized lives. But then we didn't need astrology to predict that.Permalink
Posted July 13, 2008
POLITICS
Watch That Machete! What Harvesting 'Nuts' Looks Like
UTTING NUTS IS AN EVERYDAY OCCURRENCE ALL OVER THE GLOBE. It often requires using long sharp knives to hack nut sacks off trees, and can occasionally have dangerous consequences.
Something for both Senator Barack Obama and the Rev. Jesse Jackson to think about.
Posted July 11, 2008
IN THE NEWS
JonBenet Ramsey: The Murder Mystery That Won't Die
OU CANNOT CALL AN "OOPS, WE WERE WRONG,'' AFTER 12 YEARS OF PUBLIC SCORN AN ADEQUATE APOLOGY. You cannot ever make whole again the family that lost a 6-year-old daughter to murder, and then an accused mother to ovarian cancer.
Every aspect of the lurid tale that began on December 26, 1996 has been tragic. Now, more than a decade after the mysterious death of JonBenet Ramsey, and the subsequent fingering of her parents as suspects, Boulder County (Colo.) District Attorney Mary Lacy has apologized for the office's handling of the case which contributed to public contempt for John and Patsy Ramsey as their daughter's murderers.
"We believe that justice dictates that the Ramseys be treated only as victims of this very serious crime," Lacy wrote in a statement that has been criticized by some law enforcement analysts. "...To the extent that this office has added to the distress suffered by the Ramsey family at any time or to any degree, I offer my deepest apology."
In a separate letter to Mr. Ramsey, Lacy added, "No innocent person should have to endure such an extensive trial in the court of public opinion." 
She also added, "I am aware that there will be those who will choose to continue to differ with our conclusion," a
point underscored by posts on comment boards around the web: "Funny how they skipped town as quick as they could. That's a sign of innocence? The parents are sick perverted child killers," wrote someone signed Sepulture68.
Famed pathologist Cyril Wecht who wrote a book on the case, expressed his own doubts about the "new" DNA touch evidence that purportedly clears the Ramseys as suspects.
The gross injustice of being falsely accused of murder can never be righted. And unless you are a fortune teller, there is no way to know if this baffling crime will ever be solved.
But here's my question: Is there a right and wrong way to react to murder? Do we have a right to expect people to respond as we imagine we would? Is there only one way to respond to accusation? For it seems that the Ramseys' reactions were always part of what fed suspicion.
The family fled the Colorado area after the crime, and avoided investigators' questions. Neither of those facts equal guilt. And in an interview expressing relief about his exoneration, John Ramsey's cerebral, unemotional responses leaves viewers detached from his emotional horror.
When asked what receiving the letter means to him, Ramsey replied,
"It's hard for people to accept that someone could some into a home and murder a child from their bed. We were perhaps an answer. It became an entertainment event for the media sadly. It boosted ratings, attracted viewers to develop that controversy. But sadly there's 2,000 children murdered in our country every year. For some reason this became a very public event."
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Posted July 10, 2008
CELEBRITY
Crushing On Josh Peck, Unlikely 'Nickelodeon' Heart Throb
E'S GONE FROM WACKY TO "THE WACKNESS," from Nickelodeon to the big screen. But I'm betting wherever he travels, Josh Peck will be a winner.
Crabby sheepishly admits that the beefy Peck was always the more appealing teen on Nick's hit show "Drake and Josh."
Peck played the daffy younger brother to the slick guitar-playing Drake, played by Drake Bell, for whom all the school girls swooned.
Most people over 20 probably aren't even aware of the teen series, which first aired in 2004 when Peck weighed a hefty 100 lbs. over his current weight. Wikipedia describes his character as "the victim of many unlucky events, such as being falsely accused of things in which he was never involved. He is usually the sensible one, who was often taken advantage of by Drake."
But even as an overweight, curlyhead buffoon, it was Peck who stole the show, and I was always rooting for him over his supposed cooler, cuter brother. He was the one that made me laugh, and apparently that was no accident: The native New Yorker apparently cut his comedic teeth in the city's comedy clubs at age 8!
Now Peck is starring in "The Wackness,"in which he plays a socially inept drug dealer who sells pot in New York's Central Park out of an ice cream vendor's pushcart. And I for one can't wait to see what he delivers.
The indy film has won accolades, collecting the 2008 Audience award at Sundance and the Los Angeles Film Festival Award.
When the flick arrives at your local art house, check it and Peck out. You'll become a fan and gain bragging rights that you saw him coming. Permalink
Posted July 8, 2008
TELEVISION
SexyChattyCatty: This 'Dance' Show Sweeps Me Off My Feet
O YOU THINK YOU CAN DANCE CONTINUES TO ENRAPTURE ME.
Some of my YouTube favorites are the show's auditions. This year’s contestants are crackling and I would hate to be a judge. I love seeing break-dancers do the Tango and contemporary dancers from Kansas stomping a hip-hop routine as if they lived on 125th Street. I have my favs, but I'm not rooting out loud cause I tend to jinx competitors (see the Phillies, Sixers, Flyers). But I will be there every Wednesday night at 10.
And, people, it’s time to cut or be cut. The second season of Bravo’s Shear Genius has started and so far it's off to a good start.
These shows seem to always telegraph the person who’s going home next. First you'll hear them harrumphing how great they are in their interview snippets and how they're going to win. Then, poof, gone, haha.
The contestants’ first challenge was to cut hair BLINDFOLDED. The models had on safety glasses but they weren't the ones in danger. All the cuts looked wacked to me.
The second challenge of the episode was the show's real winner. The contestants had to update the cartoon hairstyles of celluloid celebrities such as Wilma Flintstone, Judy Jetson, Betty Boop and Marge Simpson. It was great!
There were two updates of each style. The contemporary "Wilma" won and rightly so, for the hair color was extraordinary and the styling was so Stone Age circa 2008. Just fab. I can just hear Fred purring approval. One of the Betty Boop updates was also to die for. See the photos here and judge for yourself.
Oh, and host Jaclyn Smith looks 40 but her voice is all grandma quavery. It’s oddly disconcerting. She’s joined by celebrity stylist Kim Vo and Allure beauty editor Kelly Atterton. Stylist Rene Fris is the Tim Gunn of the show. Rene is movie star handsome, but his Danish accent is foreign to my ears as opposed to Tim’s crisp English. But who needs to hear him when you can look at him all night?
SexyChattyCatty comments periodically at CrabbyGolightly.com on TV, America's favorite snack food.Permalink
Posted July 7, 2008
POP CANDY
In The Theater of the Absurd, Shun The Nonbeliever
KIDS, BE CAREFUL OF ANYONE WHO LURES YOU WITH CANDY.
In this instance, it's a metaphor for either the unknown or broken promises. Neither has a happy ending.
P.S. My dearests tell me I remind them of the skeptical unicorn Charlie. Yes it's true: I'm jaded by experience!
But I still have both my kidneys.
Permalink
Posted July 4, 2008
CELEBRITY
Revel In The Fireworks Exploding On New York's Gossip Pages
HO NEEDS TO WAIT FOR DUSK TO FALL TO TAKE IN PYROTECHNICS? On this July 4th, all you need to do is hopscotch between the web's wags to get an earful on several flaming celebrity love matches.
As London wags continue the see-sawing "Will they? Won't they?" speculation about Madonna and Guy Ritchie's alleged impending divorce, New York's news gadflies stalk rock'n roll's High Priestess for evidence of a fling with everybody's favorite bat boy, A-Rod, a.k.a. New York Yankee's Alex Rodriguez.
No sooner had Madonna's longtime spokeswoman Liz Rosenberg denied the latest tryst than other Manhattan newsies reported that Rodriguez's wife Cynthia had sought solace in Paris in the arms of Rocker Lenny Kravitz.
An anonymous source tells Us Weekly that Cynthia "doesn't believe they are just friends. Something deeply suspicious is happening," the source adds. "Cynthia did leave because she is sure this is all true."
Kravitz, for his part, spit out a denial that he was breaking the Seventh Commandment. "I opened my home to her as a friend and I find it extremely hurtful that I am now being referred to as an adulterer," Kravitz said in a statement. 
In the meantime, Ritchie showed up in New York for a photo op to show the world that all is well between him and the Mrs. Here's a thought: Maybe they've agreed to have an open marriage? Seems hardly out of the realm of possibility in Madonna's world.
And if that's not enough drama for you, tune into the goings-on in Central Islip, N.Y. a mere 40 miles west of Madge's stateside condo. That's where former supermodel Christie Brinkley, 54, tearfully testified that her world was "shattered" after she discovered her husband Peter Cook, 49 was a sleazoid who had an affair with an 18-year-old girl and spent thousands on internet porn."
After his wife's dramatic performance, Cook snipped to reporters that "Shrek was more believable."
Tune in tomorrow for the next chapter of "As the World Turns." And thank you're lucky stars that should your love life fizzle, the public spectacle will be much, much smaller.Permalink
Posted July 4, 2008
IN THE NEWS
If This is 'Scientology,' Then Let's Import It To America's Failing Public Schools!
TRAIGHT UP, I'M GONNA SAY THAT I DO NOT, WOULD NOT, EVER, ADVOCATE PRACTICING ONE SO-CALLED RELIGION OVER ANOTHER. Catholicism, Buddhism, Mormonism, Oprahism -- you name it, religion is a personal matter that fills the void in many lives. And I for one would never say that one was better than the next.
Hailing from the City of Brotherly Love, Crabby takes America's freedom of religion very seriously. If you want to pray to ancient aliens, practice nihilism, worship TV hosts, send money to healers -- Crabby's got your back.
All of which brings us to Will and Jada Pinkett Smith's new private school in La La Land, the New Village Academy, which critics are fingering as a Scientology front.
The Los Angeles Times quotes the school's administrator as saying, yes, some Scientologists do work at the school, but so do Catholics, Muslims and Jews. "We are a secular school and just like all nonreligious independent schools, faculty and staff do not promote their own religions at school or pass on the beliefs of their particular faith to children," administrator Jacqueline Olivier said.
But here's where Crabby gets riled. Apparently the school is using Scientology lingo called "study technology,'' which apparently strikes terror in the hearts and minds of U.S. educators. Which seems sad to Crabby because, as reported in the Times' and Wikipedia, "study technology" sounds like a fantastic and logical approach to learning.
Essentially
"study technology" focuses on righting three wrongs that deleteriously impact learning: Ignoring misunderstood words, depriving hands-on experience, and advancing to higher concepts before simpler fundamentals are mastered. To which Crabby says, duh. And if it's true as the LA Times' reports, that "there is no reputable educator anywhere who endorses [study technology]," at least according to David S. Touretzky, a professor of computer science at Carnegie Mellon University, then can I proffer a thought?
I'm all for debunking myths, lies, and cults, but when someone, anyone, advises that students ought to know the words they read, learn by doing, and master one level of a subject before advancing to the next, I'd hail them as an educational genius. And if there is "no reputable educator" who endorses such approach, then does that not explain America's epidemic of failing public schools?
Will Smith, actor, rapper, A-lister, suspected closet Scientologist, good luck with your school. But here's one small tip: find someone with the educational gravitas to persuade the public that your school's methods make sense. And too bad that only privileged kids who attend expensive private schools are held to such high standards.
Permalink
Posted July 1, 2008
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