The Rescue League Pulls Into 'Crazy' Town, Act Two

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HE INCONVENIENT TRUTH ABOUT MENTAL ILLNESS IS that most families don't recognize its symptoms, don't want to face its existence, or outright deny it altogether. It's much easier to blame someone's erratic behavior on addictive drugs or neglectful parents or just 'bad' kids. And God help the family member who calls it by its name, who by doing so risks embarassment and shame to the family unschooled or unable to grapple with the implications of "crazy." So you have to forgive Lynn and Jamie Spears, and even baby sister Jamie Lynn, if they allegedly reject the idea that their precious meal-ticket might be sick and need help. For all the so-called bad that Brit agent Sam Lutfi is accused of, seems like he might be the one and only, finally, to have Britney's best interests at heart.

Hollywood's TMZ and Perez Hilton have spent the night tracking down tidbits about Britney's latest hospitalization, reporting that the Spears' family is livid with Sam's attempt to wield influence over Brit's medical treatment. But surely the family has had the chance to intervene before now and fell down on the job? Gossips reported that the family returned to La La Land earlier this week at the behest of a third party. While we feel for Lynn and Jamie, isn't it time for them to face reality? Your baby is dying for help. And no one but Sam has acted on the evidence.

Thankfully, the LAPD has also gotten its act together and figured out that someone needs to run interference for this girl. Is it because a shrink's involved that the public has been deprived of a live video feed, compliments of TMZ, of Brit being taken from her house? We all owe a thanks to the person or persons responsible for protecting us against our own worst selves.

We hope Brit gets better. And let's hope too that there's a silver lining in this sad downfall of a celebrity ''gone bad" on the world stage: Maybe we'll all be better educated about mental disease, its potential treatments, and stop preying on the weak.

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Posted January 31, 2008

Coming Soon Underneath Harpo Studio Chairs: The Miniature Oprah Deity

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ELEBRITY GOSSIPS ARE BETTING THAT AMERICA'S FIRST LADY OF TV, OPRAH, won't cotton to the "Oprah Sarcophagus" created by artist Daniel Edwards, a native of LaPorte, Indiana, where the Big "O" once owned property. But Crabby thinks they underestimate the world's favorite faux goddess's smug delight at being compared to a deity. On the contrary, I think it won't be long before Edwards is invited on The Oprah Winfrey Show to discuss the social significance of his sculptures depicting celebrities or their poop in bronze. Among his creations: A sculpture of Britney Spears in labor, a "bust" of Hillary Clinton, and a dead Paris Hilton as public service announcement. There's also the highly-anticipated form of Kentucky Derby winner Barbaro dead on his back, hooves pointing skyward to the heavens, which is scheduled for its public unveiling in New York in April.

Some observers think Edwards' "Sarcophagus" bears little likeness to the flesh and blood O, but in my opinion the mold eerily captures her godlike countenance, and I'm predicting that the barely human side of O will agree. In fact, I'll bet you that Harpo's next big distribution deal provides for 18 inch replicas of the statue, made with tiny alarms inside set to ring moments before TOWS appears on local televisions, but with just enough time for viewers to genuflect toward the screen in a moment of silence. I can picture it now: Surprise! Everybody in the studio audience gets to take home a miniature version of their false idol. Just look under your seat for the prize.

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Posted January 31, 2008

Florida and the Disenfranchised Voter

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AVE THE DEMOCRATS SHOT THEMSELVES IN THE BIG TOE? It wouldn't be the first time. But when national leaders stripped the state of its delegates for moving up its primary to January 29, in essence it also stripped the 2.5 million Democrats who turned out to vote in yesterday's contest of their right to cast a ballot. That means that Hillary will get to crow about her roust of Obama, winning 50 percent of votes cast to Barak's 33 percent, but won't get to add any delegates to her column. As Obama's Barack Obama spokesman Bill Burton wrote gleefully to reporters Tuesday night, "Obama and Clinton tie for delegates in Florida. 0 for Obama, 0 for Clinton."

Yet in this hotly contested historic race between the "woman" and the "black," it's easy to imagine that the final delegate count could be within the 185 that Donkey Party leaders have stripped from Florida's voters. And that would be an awkward postscript for the Party that has rightly claimed that Florida's votes were stolen by the Republicans in the 2000 and 2004 presidential elections. "This whole thing here is a joke," John Taylor, a Jacksonville schoolteacher told The Nation last November. "How stupid the Democrats are--we're shooting ourselves in the foot!...They stole two elections, and now we've been working six years to make sure that don't happen again. And the Democrats screw us!"

Perhaps all 2.5 million votes will be moot after Super Tuesday's 24-state lottery and the 185 Florida delegates won't make a difference in the end. But my guess is that's just wishful thinking.

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Posted January 30, 2008

BuzzFeed: The Internet's Populist

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ARDON MY SWOON, BUT I'VE FALLEN HEAD-OVER-HEELS IN LIKE. The object of my affection? BuzzFeed, a website that keeps constant score in the "24/7" contest known as the Internet. Even before discovering BuzzFeed, I knew I wasn't fishing in the web's deep waters. But you can't say that about the editors at BuzzFeed. A quick sampling of today's offering includes links on "Smurf Sex," "Silence of the Lambs" toys, spermatazoa typeface, butt glue, marijuana vending machines (legal ones for "sick people"), Japan's "rice babies," Oprahama and bacon cocktails. (I am jealous of the mind that came up with "gateway meat" to describe this pork cut's addictive quality.) Obviously the editors over at BuzzFeed.com find that the editorial life is more rewarding beyond the news pages of Google, MSN or TMZ. And their reading list definitely extends deeper than the New York Times, Time magazine and Perez Hilton. Thank you, BuzzFeed, for bringing true populism to the web. Need I say more to promote a visit?

To my mind, it's a slow news day. Britney is left on a curb following an emotional meltdown? Ho hum. Heath's getting buried in a $25,000 mahogany casket? I think this story is, um, over. At least until the toxicology report is back. And who really cares what an unpopular, lame-duck president says in his last State of the Union address? Frankly I find just looking at him painful these days.

On a lazy day, the only news blurb that's caught my attention is the case of Ohio twentysomethings who stole more $8 million from an armored car last November. "I knew taking the money from AT Systems was wrong, but I wanted a better life," said Nicole Boyd, 25, of Youngstown, in the statement to the FBI. Poor thing: she obviously hasn't learned that the only crime that pays is white-collared.

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Posted January 29, 2008

The Moment Of Truth: I'm Waiting For The Celebrity Edition

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N THE CARNIVAL THAT IS REALITY TV, THIS ONE ACTUALLY INTRIQUES. That purveyor of popular American tastes, FOX TV, has introduced its latest freak show to wild success, thanks to the hawking of its main attraction, American Idol. Heretic that I am, I must confess that I may have watched one, maybe two, American Idols in its entire run on the air. So I doubt that I'll be running to catch 'The Moment of Truth.' I have them every day in my own living room.

BUT...I can say that I'm already wringing my hands over the possibility of the first "Celebrity Editon." Can you imagine? The public could finally find out all sorts of truths about their heroes. The first one I'd put on the stand is the First Lady of TV, Oprah, and I'd tell her to bring that diary she always mentions that presages her next, great "dream come true," the most recent being a May 1992 entry about owning her own network. Can we see that, 'O' great one? Then we talk to her protege, Dr. Phil, and find out what he really intended when he visited Britney during her brief incarceration in the nut house. And was Oprah really mad at you for the visit?

But, oh, there's plenty more to explore. I'd ask Tom Cruise, 'Is Suri the human hybrid baby born with the alien sperm donors from the Church of Scientology?'

Let's get Baaabra Walters up there and find out what she really told The Donald about Rosie before she quit.

We'd ask Britney Spearsto reveal if she is really in cahoots with the paps. And we'll ask beau, Adnan Ghalib,' Is Brit your meal ticket?'

And of course inquiring minds will demand to know of Tracey Edmonds, Eddie Murphy's faux bride, "Didn't you already know he was a jerk before your make-pretend wedding?

Finally, we could force Sylvester Stallone out of denial when we'd ask him: Did you really think what the world needed was another Rambo picture?

Let me know when that show comes on, and I'll be front and center at the Tube.

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Posted January 27, 2008

Suddenly, I've Lost My Appetite For Google

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ONTRARIAN THAT I AM, perhaps I am among the minority of Americans who don't want their cell phones pointing out the nearest drive-through burger joint. But beware, world, for that is what the technology "experts" are planning to serve you soon. At the World Economic Forum in Switzerland on Friday, experts promoted the mobile Internet saying it would let advertisers tailor messages based on a user's location.

"After all, they know where you are,'' Google CEO Eric Schmidt was quoted as saying in an AP article. "You're driving along and it says, 'Eric, you had pizza yesterday and there's a hamburger stand on the right.' In theory, location-based advertising will be very good for business and useful to the end user."

To this I say, "harrumph." And then let me direct unwitting consumers to the book "Feed," M.T. Anderson's terrifying ideation of a near future when people have chips implanted in their brains to deliver a constant "feed" of advertising. If you haven't read it, I suggest you run to your nearest bookstore, grab a copy and immediately devour it. (Or, for those of you who are able defer gratification for the 40 percent discount, any online bookstore will do.) Once you make it past the disorienting first chapter, you'll quickly find yourself wide-eyed in terror at the implications of all this "technology" we so eagerly lap up.

Feeding ads inside the brain is not as farfetched as you might think. Last December, National Public Radio's show, "On the Media" reported about a billboard in New York which was "emitting highly focused sound that resonates within the skulls of passersby." OTM summarized it as "a novel way of advertising, a potentially terrifying intrusion and, according to technology writer Clive Thompson, the leading edge of a new civil rights battleground - the right to privacy in your own mind." Thompson introduces us to the Center for Cognitive Liberties, which is at the forefront of this looming sci-fi privacy battle. Check out the interview here, but to skip advertisement, fast forward 40 seconds.

Google, which christened its foray into big bigness with the motto, "Don't be Evil," might be losing its way. For all the amazing services offered by Google, including Google Earth, Google Maps, Google Books, and of course its invaluable search engine, the truth is Google closed Friday at $566.40 because of its muscle in internet advertising. And greed might be a part of that bottom line: in my own "bite the hand that feeds" way, I'll reveal here that I have paid as much as $10 for one Google click but have received about two cents back for each ad placed on this page. Won't be long now before Google founders Larry Page and Sergey Brin will be dethroning Bill Gates from the top of the world's richest list.

In a strange coincidence, another story that popped on the web Friday was of study in which behavioral scientists concluded that lonely people are more likely to anthropomorphize their pets and possessions. Now the same scientists plan to study further whether promoting human feelings toward objects should be used as a treatment to cure loneliness. Sorry, guys, I think the techies have beaten you to the punch. The overall message being delivered? Our possessions are our best friends. Now if you'll excuse me, I've got to go talk to my cats.

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Posted January 26, 2008

Finally, The Rescue League Pulls into 'Crazy' Town

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LOW THE TRUMPET: THE CAVALRY'S COMING TO HELP SAVE BRITNEY SPEARS from her media tormentors. According to MSNBC, the national zeitgeist on Brit just might be changing, and sniff sniff, Crabby is taking a teardrop of credit.

Let's recount the latest: The Britney Celebrity Defense League© keeps growing longer, with Demi Moore and Backstreet Boy A.J. McLean being the latest celebs to speak in defense of the Popped Tart. The Los Angeles Police is finally running interference between Brit and the paps, stopping four while they chased Britney's car on the highway last week. And, now, God bless 'em, we have real credentialed experts outside of La La Land spanking the media for practicing its own form of quackery for affixing mental diagnoses on Brit.

In line with their new edict that all things Britney are newsworthy, the Associated Press is running a story quoting mental health experts scolding the media for slapping labels such as "bi-polar" and "multiple personality" on Spears.

''I've been very upset about this,'' Mark Smaller, a psychoanalyst from Chicago, told the AP. "This idea of making a diagnosis of someone they've never met is completely inappropriate, and it gives mental health professionals a bad name." He made a point to note that any diagnosis takes at least several appointments with a patient to make. "Trying to make such a diagnosis based purely on someone's behavior," and especially as it's portrayed by selective news coverage,"is scientifically impossible," says Smaller, director of the Neuropsychoanalysis Foundation.

The 26-year-old mom/singer/starlet spends her life under seiged by the paparazzi, so much so that some people and news agencies are wondering if she hasn't developed "Stockholm Syndrome" now that she's even sleeping with the enemy, a.k.a. cameraman Adnan Ghalib. "When you see her seeming like she's friends with the paparazzi, she's got, like, Stockholm syndrome," actress Patricia Arquette told Contactmusic.com. "I mean she's becoming friends with her captors. She's being torn apart by this business." (We can add Patricia to the BCDL now.) That saying Brit has SS is also a diagnosis but one that leavens less blame on Britney for making friends with the paps; after all, she's basically their prisoner. But her captor Adnan at least has nice things to say about the so-called "train wreck", in an exclusive interview with Entertainment Tonight. If he screws her over as the gossips are betting, then there will at least big a bigger villain in this story than Brit.

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Posted January 24, 2008

Heath Ledger's Death Begs The Question: Surrender or Refusal to Compromise?

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ERHAPS HE WASN'T ACTING AT ALL WHEN HE APPEARED IN "BROKEBACK MOUNTAIN" AS A WOUNDED MAN FULL OF SECRETS AND LONGING. Heath Ledger, the Australian actor who gained acclaim for his role in the Oscar Nominated movie, turned life into art Tuesday when he was found dead in a New York apartment with a bottle of pills next to his bed. The 28-year-old actor was separated from actress Michelle Williams, whom he met on the set of "Brokeback" and with whom he has a two-year-old daughter, Matilda. Although New York police say his death may or may not be accidental, his family has vehemently denied to TMZ.com that the death was a suicide.

Ledger was an "actor," not a star, and he seemed to relish the difference. He stayed far away from La La Land and settled in Brooklyn, where he was apparently one of the borough's best known residents. He took risky roles, most recently playing one of the incarnations of Bob Dylan in the movie, "I'm Not There." And his image will soon be resurrected at the box office in the role of a more sinister Joker in "Dark Knight" than even Jack Nicholson played in 1989's "Batman." Christopher Nolan, the director of "Dark Knight," recently said of Ledger's performance,"He's extremely original, extremely frightening, tremendously edgy." The actor himself complained in a New York Times' interview in November that his mind wouldn't let him rest, that he was having trouble sleeping. Apparently, the tiredness caught up with him.

In another, older interview, this one with the Associated Press seven years ago, Ledger confided that soon after he starred in the movie "10 Things I Hate About You,'' he was offered -- and rejected -- a handful of other teen flicks. But despite raised eyebrows from his parents and agents, Ledger refused to compromise and held out for roles he relished. He said the decision wasn't hard for him, but "it was hard for everyone else around me to understand. Agents were like, ''You're crazy." My parents were like, "Come on, you have to eat."

Many of us have peripheral or personal experience with the solace that comes from a puff, a snort, a pill, a bottle. The dream-like haze can keep life's uninvited compromises at bay for a little while. And sometimes, even if by accident, for ever.

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Posted January 22, 2008

Don't Call Him Demagogue: Bill Cosby Speaks Unpopular Truths To Help His People.

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T WOULD BE SO EASY FOR BILL COSBY to forget poor blacks and live in quiet luxury. That's what a selfish, shallow, or perhaps just a simple person would do. Like Jesse Jackson, it would be easy for him to blame the economic failures of Black America on the intrinsic racism of a system that delivers most to those with "social equity." Like Oprah, he could easily tell people whom to vote for, as though the future of an entire people rests on the shoulders of one man. But Cosby has proven he is no demagogue by eschewing personal popularity and speaking candidly to "father" poor urban communities. He tackles his concerns about some blacks wearing "victimhood" as their identity in his new book, "Come On People," co-authored with Harvard University's Dr. Alvin F. Poussaint

During an appearance in Chicago last weekend to honor the Rev. Martin Luther King, Cosby reminded the well-heeled African Americans who paid $100 a plate to attend the breakfast that they have a responsibility to overtly steer teenagers toward books and away from early parenthood. "You've got to talk to these 20-year-old women with children who are teenagers,'' he said. "They didn't have the child with the intent of sending somebody higher."

According to the Guttmacher Institute, a nonprofit organization focused on sexual and reproductive health research, there's good news for the nation: Teenage pregnancy is at its lowest level in 30 years, down 36% since its peak in 1990. The decrease is even greater among black teens: Among black teens aged 15 to 19, the pregnancy rate fell by 40% between 1990 and 2002. That is progress, but black girls continue to have the highest teen pregnancy: 134 pregnancies per 1,000 women, as opposed to 131 for Hispanics and 48 per non-Hispanic whites. And babies having babies keeps these women trapped in a cycle of poverty and struggle.

At the breakfast Sunday, Cosby told the crowd that education is what will break African Americans' chains of economic deprivation."You need parents to say...''You don't have to be at Northwestern, but what you have to be is in those books." In the struggle for economic success for Black America, Bill Cosby doesn't dismiss the reality of discrimination. He just doesn't want the towel thrown in before the fight gets started. Some call this airing dirty laundry; I prefer to call it shedding light where the sun doesn't normally shine.

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Posted January 22, 2008

Spinning Rumors Into Gold: The Make-Believe World Of Britney Spears

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N THE MEDIA'S EVER-EXPANDING MAKE-BELIEVE WORLD OF BRITNEY SPEARS, the Popped Tart is: 1. Buying a brand new Mercedes for her bag boy Adnan Ghalib. 2. Wearing her white lace wedding dress is proof she's about to tie the knot to paparazzo-leech Ghalib. 3. Was "popping pills" all day long on the day she refused to turn over her two boys to Kevin Federline, forcing a three-hour standoff that ended with her in the nut house. And 4, is so perilously close to disaster that the Associated Press finds the need to release a story that its preparing her obituary.

Such is the curse of being the world's most popular reigning princess. The stories must be larger-than life; tedium is an unimaginable part of her world. Thus, when Britney accompanies her current closest hanger-on to the Keyes Mercedes Dealership, she isn't merely passing the time while Ghalib perhaps replaces a lost key. When she wears her wedding dress, she is planning to elope she is so besotted by her new Muslim beau. It couldn't be as sad a scenario as Britney crying her heart out over spilt milk, Kevin Federline. It couldn't be that those "pills" she was popping was medication prescribed to regulate personality rather than cause illicit highs. And finally, is it possible that the AP wrote the bio because Britney is the number one news story, such as the definition of news is today, rather than because they expect her to die? Remember, it was mere days before that an AP internal memo was leaked to the press saying that from now on, Britney should be treated as big news by AP reporters. Does it not follow then that if Brit's big news, then by golly they should have an obit in the file on her?

Meanwhile, the Britney Celebrity Defense League grows longer, with fading star Demi Moore and Backstreet Boy A.J. McLean speaking up for the popster. The question is: Who will she let into her life?

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Posted January 21, 2008

Paparazzo's Wife "Made No Deal" to Profit Off Britney

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RIENDS OF AZLYNN BERRY ARE INCENSED at talk that the estranged wife of Paparazzo Adnan Ghalib is in cahoots with the snapper to get rich from his befriending Britney. "That's bullshit,'' said a friend of Berry's Friday morning. "She didn't make no deal. She loves the guy. Or at least she did until all this crap. How much stuff can people take?"Another friend said Thursday of the rumors,"None of it's true. She's a good girl." The friend said that Azlynn was as surprised as anybody when her husband hooked up with Brit. "She's sick, she's sick, she's hurt.''

Berry has been caught in the spillover of the spotlight of her husband's affair with pop star Britney Spears. While Berry lays low, a few friends have spoken up on her behalf. Britney's paparazzo beau, British expatriate Adnan Ghalib, was described as a "sneaky womanizer" in the New York Post. The gossips have also reported that Azlynn Berry, purportedly a hair stylist, won second place in the National Face of Glamour Competition in 2006. She can be seen here at a gathering following a meeting of the Los Angeles Science Fantasy Society back in 2002. A short piece in the UK's Daily Mail shows a photo of the British Muslim when he was 17 years old and describes his early upbringing.

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Posted January 18, 2008

Paparazzo's Wife Is 'Sick' About His Tryst With Brit

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AYBE SHE'S HANGING OUT WITH A DIFFERENT SORT OF ALIEN TODAY. Not much is known about Azlynn Berry, the supposed wife of Britney's paparazzo beau, British expatriate Adnan Ghalib. But New York gossips are reporting that Azl ynn reportedly split La La Land to get away from the heat generated by her hubby's liaison with everybody's distraction from their own problems, the girl we know as Britney Spears. Some have also speculated that Ghalib and his wife were in cahoots together to both benefit financially from Spears. But a friend of Azlynn's said Thursday that "None of it's true. She's a good girl." The friend also said that Azlynn was as surprised as anybody when her husband hooked up with Brit. "She's sick, she's sick, she's hurt,'' said the friend.

So far news hounds have reported that Azlynn won second place in the National Face of Glamour Competition in 2006, and that she's a hair stylist. Now it can be revealed...she's a SCIENCE FICTION FAN. Berry is shown in photographs here at a gathering following a meeting of the Los Angeles Science Fantasy Society back in 2002. Perhaps she misunderstood Adnan when he first told her he was an "alien" in America. Azlynn sans makeup is not quite the knock-out in these photos as more recent ones reveal her to be. But to be fair, Adnan Ghalib wasn't much of a pretty boy when he was a youngster either. UK's Daily Mail has dug up a photo of the British Muslim depicting how he looked when he was 17-year-old back in Birmingham, Enland.

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Posted January 17, 2008

Soon: All Oprah's 'Best Life Blah Blah,' All The Time

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JOY. SOMETHING TO LOOK FORWARD TO: MORE CONTROL FOR THE WORLD'S MOST BELOVED CONTROL FREAK. Discovery announced that it was handing over creative control of its Discovery Health Network to Oprah Winfrey, who will share equal ownership of the network. By the end of 2009, an estimated 70 million Americans will have the chance to buy-in to Oprah's best-life living blah blah (note: I stole the blah blah directly from Christopher Hitchens!) with the help of acolytes Nate Berkus, Gail King and Bob Greene. No word yet if Dr. Phil's show will also move to the network of his TV mentor. (We're taking bets not!) This is yet another dream come true of Oprah's with her telling reporters that she happened to find her 1992 diary and specifically its May 24th entry: "I wrote that when I was going through the conflict of the Jerry Springers and everybody was going to trash TV, and I was trying to figure out for myself what I really wanted, in what direction I wanted to go," Winfrey told reporters. "That's how I started thinking one day I'm going to have my own network so I can do it the way I want to do it." Here's a hint to Oprah's intimates: when she dies, be sure to get your hards on those journals because they'll be worth loads what with all the fortune-telling that goes on in them. And correct me if I'm wrong, but didn't her days of wallowing in TV's sleaze predate Jerry's?

A cautionary note to Discovery: Are you buying into the Oprah "brand" past its half-life? Oprah competitor Ellen DeGeneres just bumped Oprah from her perch atop the list of most popular American celebrities. Winfrey had reigned at the top of the Harris Poll for the previous five consecutive years. And on an AOL poll asking readers if an "OWN" or Oprah Winfrey Network appealed to them, 78 percent of respondents had voted no.

And once again switching our attention to Britney, America's most annoying celebrity Rosie O'Donnell has joined the Britney Celebrity Defense League. The dethroned "Queen of Nice" has written a sympathetic poem on her blog about sad little Brit. "A Disney set is not a childhood, no matter how many bright colors they use, or how cheerful the script,'' Rosie writes. "Not a girl, barely even a woman yet, they chased her. A mob of stalkers for whom no stalking laws have been written. Smother. Crush. Flash. Photo Credit. Even Dr. "Get Real" Phil got in on the action. Unreal. 83 million albums sold so far. How many pictures? The tunnel is crowded now. There are only inches of separation between vulnerability and disaster."

It's funny how Crabby likes Rosie so much more now that she has ditched that day-time talk show game.

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Posted January 16, 2008

What The 'Stars' Say About The Newest Celeb Babes

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HO WANTS TO WAIT UNTIL THEY'RE ALL GROWN UP TO FIND OUT WHAT THEY'LL BE LIKE? As Crabby reported earlier, People.com broke the news that Nicole and beau Joel Madden are the proud parents of Harlow Winter Kate Madden, born Friday at Cedars-Sinai Medical Center. Also joining the great circle of humanity is Jacob Emerson Fisman, a son born to Courtney Thorne-Smith and husband Roger Fishman. And we'd be remiss if we didn't mention that diva Christina Aguilera delivered her much-bellyhooed baby just down the hall from Nicole on Friday. No official word yet on whether she had a boy or girl, but Star magazine was reporting that the stork was expected to delivery a baby boy. Dad is Jordan Bratman, a music executive Christina married in 2005.

For those who cannot wait until the first pictures of the progeny of Nicole Ritchie, Christine Aguilera and Courtney Thorne-Smith, here is a snap astrological profile of the three baby Goats as calculated by Astrolabe.

Sun in Capricorn
Extremely serious and mature, you are capable of accepting responsibilities and do so willingly. Others expect you to be dutiful as a matter of course. You tend to get angry when people get rewards after not having worked anywhere near as hard as you. You are goal-oriented and an achiever by nature -- you're a hard worker and are justifiably proud of the tangible results of your efforts. You tend to have "tunnel-vision" -- this allows you to block out extraneous matters that might distract others and to concentrate totally on the matter at hand. As such, you are the ideal one to manage or administrate any ongoing project and to be practical and efficient at it. You are not a fast worker, but you are quite thorough. You are known for being totally persistent, tenacious and tireless in reaching your goals.

Moon in Pisces You have strong feelings and are extremely sensitive. It would help if you had a thicker skin -- you tend to react emotionally to every situation you come across. Kind, gentle and considerate of the feelings of others, you are good at taking care of the sick, wounded and helpless. But you tend to absorb the energy of others -- so avoid those who are always negative. You have a rich, creative and lively imagination, but you should be careful not to spend all your time daydreaming. Very intuitive, you have good ESP and may be quite clairvoyant or psychic. Remember that you too have the right to get what you want from life. If you are always defensive and kowtowing to others, people will take advantage of you and exploit you.

Mercury in Aquarius
You tend to be very opinionated -- you have strongly felt notions about things and are quite vocal about expressing and defending them. Yet you are also an original thinker -- you enjoy shocking others with your offbeat, original thoughts. You appreciate and need mental and intellectual stimulation. Your judgment is usually fair and impartial -- you can be a good critic because you can remain objective and unemotional about most things.

Venus in Sagittarius
You are very aware of the need to maintain a high sense of morality in a relationship. Your loyalty and interest will remain constant in any relationship (either friendly, personal or business) that is based on fairness, honesty and justice. But you will become greatly hurt and disappointed if the other person takes any but the high road with you. Also, you cannot tolerate anyone being overly emotionally possessive of you. You are known for your friendly, outspoken manner.

Mars in Gemini
Your energies get turned on quickly whenever anything interests you. But you have a very short attention span and it is difficult for you to complete tasks because something else more interesting always seems to be beckoning. You love to debate and argue, usually in a spirit of friendly disagreement. But watch out that you do not get too overly aggressive or antagonistic or others will be quick to take offense where none may have really been intended. You need to be in constant physical motion -- sports or daily exercise is a must for you if you are to feel fit and healthy.

Jupiter in Capricorn
You tend to feel that the only results that are worthwhile are the results that are concrete and demonstrable. You distrust abstract solutions and appreciate measurable achievements. An excellent organizer and planner, you are optimistic as well as practical and realistic about what can and what cannot happen. Very responsible, you consider it a personal weakness to be wrong about anything. This makes you appropriately cautious. You are very efficient but you tend to be cool and detached.

Saturn in Virgo
Your life must be orderly and practical and full of known and familiar routines in order for you to feel comfortable with yourself. Be careful, however, not to let "order" become the be-all and end-all of your life, or you may become cold, crass and unfeeling. Doing useful, practical things boosts your self- esteem. Abstract concepts and reasoning seem frivolous and a waste of time to you. You are very critical of yourself (and others), indeed at times quite self-deprecating. Try to relax a bit and allow yourself the freedom to fail once in a while. However, you probably won't fail very often because you are such a perfectionist.

Uranus in Pisces
You, and most of your peers, are extremely idealistic and want to change society by completely reorienting its highest religious goals and aspirations. Just be careful to make sure that your new goal structures are properly grounded in reality so that they have a chance of being accepted by the majority.

Neptune in Aquarius
You, and your entire generation, will idealize and even venerate the ability to remain detached as well as the ability to objectively analyze any given situation. There will be a concerted effort on your part to cure the ills of society as a whole. But be very careful to continue to maintain and protect the rights of individuals in the midst of these potentially far-reaching changes.

Pluto in Sagittarius
For your entire generation, society's cherished beliefs and totems will be radically changed. Many traditional concepts will be totally altered, if not completely destroyed. The rights of individuals to pursue their own course in life will be reasserted.

North Node is in Aquarius
As long as someone else (or a group or organization) appeals to your intellectual sensibilities, you'll try to ally yourself with them in some way. You may find that you always seem to get involved with many wide-ranging groups -- so much so that you find it difficult tto fit them all into your busy schedule. Your many friends and acquaintances provide you with needed stimulation. You're loyal and fair-minded -- you try to spend time equally with all your friends, never concentrating on just one or two for any length of time. Although probably quite conservative yourself, you're attracted to those who are a bit offbeat or eccentric -- you enjoy watching their minds work.

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Posted January 13, 2008

The New 'Babes' Of La La Land

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HOCOLATE CIGARS FOR EVERYBODY! La La Land's celebrity population has grown by a quarter dozen in just a few short days. People.com is reporting that Nicole Ritchie and her beau Joel Madden are the proud parents of Harlow Winter Kate Madden, born Friday at Cedars-Sinai Medical Center and weighing in at 6 lbs. 7 oz.

Also joining the great circle of humanity is a son born to Courtney Thorne-Smith and husband Roger Fishman. Baby Jacob Emerson Fishman, also born Friday, is the first child for the According to Jim star and Fishman, who owns a media company.

And we're sure recording diva Christina Aguilera sang a cappella after delivering her much-bellyhooed baby just down the hall from Nicole on Friday. No official word yet on whether she had a boy or girl, but Star magazine was reporting that the stork was expected to delivery a baby boy. Dad is Jordan Bratman, a music executive Christina married in 2005.

And the shining star of Little Miss Sunshine, actress Toni Collette, welcomed her first child, Sage Florence Galafassi on January 9th. Her husband is musician Dave Galafassi.

And there's more! Actor-comedian David Alan Grier and wife Christine Y. Kim had a baby girl, the couple tell People.com. The wee tot was named Danbi Grier-Kim Ð Danbi means "sweet rain" in Korean - was born at 1:04 p.m. Thursday. What was in the water 40 weeks ago?

May we suggest that the new moms get out their Blackberries and start scheduling play dates? Then Nicole and Christina can share with each other their newly learned secrets about treating nipple tenderness, getting baby to nap, and where to find the best nannies. And of course they'll be swapping names of the newest boutiques catering to the starlets' baby boomlet!

Having a baby is life's biggest a-ha! moment. There ain't nothing like it in the world! But it is one of the most isolating times in a woman's life. After the baby shower and the initial hurrah!, mom's left holding seven pounds of pure magic -- and dependence. Star or not, you are going to have to do your share of nappy changing in the middle of the night. And wait until those sticky little hands get strained yams all over your silk rug! Oh the humanity! And thank God for it.

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Posted January 12, 2008

Can Obama Eradicate Race As a Topic in National Elections?

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APOLOGIZE UP FRONT FOR HAVING THE GALL to second-guess the famed and erudite polemicist Christopher Hitchens who asked this week in Slate if "isn't there something pathetic and embarrassing" about the nation's obsession with Senator Barack Obama's race. Hitchens then goes on to lampoon white America's guilt-ridden swoon over Obama, Republican Alan Keyes for his past "are you black enough?" challenge to the Illinois Senator, and even Obama's Chicago church for its pander to members who remain "true to our native land, the mother continent, the cradle of civilization." And if he's fuzzy on the nuances of what makes a man of mixed-race "black," I highly recommend reading biracial author David Matthews's essay in Radar on this year's election. All this to say: Pardon my insolence, but does it not seem as though Mr. Hitchens has answered his own question?

The fact that Hitchen's column was published January 7, the day before Obama's loss in the New Hampshire primary, may well be significant. For it's only the day after the nation's first primary that Obama's race actually became a part of the public dialogue, and small wonder. Despite polls show Obama leading with double digits, Hillary won Tuesday, Obama lost, and the nation's pollsters imploded. Up until then, few in the media had actually openly posed the question of whether America would vote for a black man (or woman, for that matter) as President of the United States, perhaps fearing that the question itself was archaic, that the nation had advanced so much in just 50 years that the point was moot.

May I suggest there was also fear, for the issue of race in America is one of -- if not the -- most complex and intractable problems that the country faces, and one that the media perpetually avoids. The post-game quarterbacking over what went wrong with the polls started immediately, and among the issues raised was whether white America suppresses the truth about how race plays into its voting. Historically, this has been known as "the Bradley effect", the phenomenon in which black candidates have polled to win but ultimately lose the election, ostensibly because white voters have hidden their true biases from questioners. But already comes denial in the media that race could have been a factor in Obama's loss. No matter that the contest occurred just days after Golf Channel's Kelly Tilghman suggested that opponents of golf great Tiger Woods "might have to lynch him in a back alley." Or that it was a brief few months ago that TV and radio provocateur Don Imus was kicked off the air for referring to the Rutgers University's basketball team as "nappy-head hos." Or that the U.S. Supreme Court last summer ruled that "race cannot be a factor in the assignment of children to public schools", vexing both black and white public school parents, and confounding the issue of racial preference in competitive schools. Or that performer and comedian Bill Cosby and Harvard Professor Alvin F. Poussaint have ignited controversy in black communities for daring to suggest that African Americans must eschew a victim mindset. Pardon the pun, but I'm only going skin deep on the rehashing of racial controversies.

It's about time that the issue of race is dealt with honestly in this presidential race, and in America at-large. Hitchen's mock impatience with the idea that race still matters on both sides of the color line belies our nation's reality. The media should not do us the disservice of pretending it isn't.

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Posted January 10, 2008

Thank You New Hampshire for Creating a Race

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T TOOK 16 YEARS IN THE NATIONAL SPOTLIGHT FOR Hillary Clinton to show cracks in the facade. Being of sound intellectual and moral constituency, Hillary is the type that probably resisted advice from political handlers to show her "softer side." Yes, she highlighted her hair, began wearing better cut outfits for her middle-aged figure, but the idea of showing emotion was a double-edged sword. She was a woman and the Democratic front-runner for president, and shedding tears was the last thing that anybody would prescribe to win office. After all, Hillary has spent her lifetime fighting the stereotype of the emotional woman, and crying in front of the public might reinforce those biases. And then there was that political lesson learned when Edmund Muskie was derailed in the 1972 election for allegedly crying over dirty attacks against his wife Jane.

But the day before the New Hampshire primary, when the prize seemed to be slipping away to a handsome Senator from Illinois with a storied upbringing, Hillary dared to show feeling. She did not spill what I would characterize as tears, but for the first time the tough public face fell to show a vulnerable side. And while Tuesday night's talking heads said that glimpse beneath the mask made no difference in Tuesday's outcome, that in fact Democratic loyalists had their minds made up for weeks, here's my bet that it will serve her well in upcoming primaries.

In Candidates' Post-Primary Speeches, the Music was the Message E

VEN THROUGH THEIR CHOICES FOR CAMPAIGN MUSIC, the candidates reveal their divide. HILLARY DECLARED that there "Ain't No Mountain High Enough" to keep her from the race with the help of the old Supremes' song, and that she was an "American Girl," at least so far as how Tom Petty describes one.

BARACK OBAMA told supporters that they looked "beautiful" last night through the music of U2's "City of Blinding Lights."

JOHN EDWARDS invited everyone to come up for "The Rising," with the help of Bruce Springsteen's spiritual.

And BILL RICHARDSON alluded to tearing down walls through the words in U2's "Where The Streets Have No Name."

On the Republican side, JOHN MCCAIN, who gave a heartfelt victory speech, pulled no punches and let voters know that he was "Gonna Fly Now," the Rocky theme song.

MITT ROMNEY played it close to his heart invoking the "Dirty Water" of the Charles river, a song played by several artists.

And MIKE HUCKABEE borrowed glitz from Elvis's "C.C. Rider".

Even through music, the Dems showed their progressiveness; the Republicans their penchant for traditional standbys.

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Posted January 9, 2008

Does Federline Look A Little, Um, Pallid?

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ELEBUDANTE PARIS HILTON DIDN'T WASTE TIME POOH-POOHING speculation that she was doing the nasty with Kevin Federline. The Hilton heiress and the Sperm donator two spent the last days of December partying in Sin City together, setting tongues wagging. But Paris shot down talk that the two were anything more than playas running in the same circle. Apparently even Paris has her standards, and Kevin Federline doesn't muster. Surely they were both just trying for more face time in the media when they agreed to be snapped together?

Frankly, Paris looks like she comes from a lot healthier gene pool than Federline, who appears in photos as more than a little slimy, and I mean literally. He's got this skiny skin, and despite the great facial bone structure, his skin is the pasty color of mashed potatoes. Perhaps Kevin has been doing a little too much partying? Or perhaps he just gets too little sleep or sunshine. Yes, I know his media machine has rescued his image, reframing him as "father of the year." But Crabby asks, as she has before, why is there never any photos of K-Daddy with wee babes in arms? The only photos I've ever seen are of Sean and Jayden with the bodyguard, nanny and grandma (God help them!). And it was the bodyguard that Brit refused to turn the boys over to last weekend at the end of her monitored play time. La La Land gossips have reported that it was the paid goons who called Kevin, who then thoughtfully called his attorney Mark Vincent Kaplan. If I were closer to the source, I'd be swinging down to the cop shop for a transcript of the 911 call to Brit's house. Who made the call? What did they say? And was Federline's attorney really at Brit's house?

If the Mrs. Federline could actually keep a lawyer on retainer (the list is getting shorter), I would argue that it is only fair that the other half of this failed match be subjected to the same required drug testing as her. Oh, and by the way, who was watching the boys when Federline was partying all night in Las Vegas? Let me guess: the bodyguards and nannies. Yep, he's a swell daddy.

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Posted January 8, 2008

'Britney Celebrity Defense League' Grows

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RITNEY'S WEEKEND MELTDOWN WAS APPARENTLY THE Topic Du Jour at the Palm Springs International Film Festival where the list of members of "TBCDL" grew longer. For those of you new to CrabbyGolightly, that's short for the Britney Celebrity Defense League. The Chicago Sun-Times reports that Ellen Page, the teenage star of Juno, scorned the public's judgment of Britney's behavior. "No one goes, "Why is this happening? They just judge and judge and judge. It's too bad." And Amanda Bynes of Hairspray fame, purportedly lamented: "I think that this business just does weird things to people, and I think it's sad." Crabby is lobbying for Hollywood's A-listers to throw a supportive arm around Brit. Kicking Britney when she's down has become America's favorite sport. Even the mighty New York Times got into the act this weekend when it ran a story headlined, "Gee. A Bizarre Britney Incident. Imagine that?" I thought journalism's vow was to "afflict the comfortable and to comfort the afflicted." I guess the mission gets confusing when your subject clearly fits into both categories.

In La La Land, it seems few kid actors escape an early spotlight unscathed. One exception frequently noted in the press is Natalie Portman, who credits her parents with keeping her grounded. With all the recent talk of "interventions," perhaps Natalie's mom and dad can give some lessons in parenting to the elder Spears? Or is class not teachable?.

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Posted January 8, 2008

But Wait! The Election is Just Getting Started...

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HEN I TURN IN TONIGHT AND SAY MY PRAYERS, along with asking for a break for Britney, I'll beseech the heavens to make the outcome of Tuesday's New Hampshire primary a surprise. Not that I have a thing against the charismatic Democratic Illinois Senator Barack Obama or the Republican with the man-of-the-cloth manner, former Arkansas Governor Mike Huckabee. But I do resent the media's penchant for reacting as though Iowa's results are a fait accompli for the rest of the race, particularly for the Dems. Even the hard-to-impress Maureen Dowd of The New York Times has joined the Obama bandwagon, waxing romantically on Sunday about his caucus win: "The Obama revolution arrived not on little cat feet in the Iowa snow but like a balmy promise, an effortlessly leaping lion hungry for something different, propelled by a visceral desire among Americans to feel American again." Little cat feet? Balmy promise? A hungry leaping lion? Maureen, that's downright mawkish for you.

Despite Dowd's labeling Obama's win a "revolution," if you read the same paper the previous day you would have been reminded that only one previous winner of the Iowa caucuses has ever gone on to win the presidency -- George Bush in 2000. And the Times' sister paper, the International Herald Tribune pointedly asks voters and the media for perspective. "Watching the campaign in cold, snowy and mostly empty Iowa, we were hoping...that this year's Iowa-New Hampshire rush to judgment will be the last...Keeping this race alive so significant numbers of Americans in more populated states can participate would begin to make up for the ludicrous spectacle of the past year, which enriched the television networks and the political consultants (some $300 million already spent) far more than it enriched the political dialogue. We hope both parties will wake up and end the undemocratic system in which the choice of a new president rests far too heavily on nonbinding votes in January by voters who don't necessarily represent the rest of the country." Crabby could not have said it better.

A year into this premature ejacu-lection, many voters still don't know what's inside the suit known as Mitt Romney; they yearn to see the robotic Hillary spill some crocodile tears, a la Oprah, as proof that she really is human; they want time to figure out if Huckabee is Bush-lite in a Barber Quintet's outfit; they wait to see if the real McCain or the panderer will please stand up. On another note, I think it's too bad for us all that Ohio Democrat Dennis Kucinich and Texas Republican Ron Paul weren't allowed to debate on Fox Sunday night. Whoever said the revolution will not be televised was right. When it happens, we'll all be watching reruns of The Simpsons..

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Posted January 7, 2008

Who Let The Fox Into The Nut House?

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F YOU NEEDED FURTHER EVIDENCE OF THE POOR JUDGMENT OF BRITNEY SPEARS' PARENTS, you got it Saturday when gossips reported that Lynn and Jamie Spears invited TV's pseudo shrink Dr. Phil to visit their daughter at Mt. Cedars Sinai Hospital. Confirming that Britney is smarter than people give her credit for, the poor little pop star apparently did an about-face upon seeing the shiny bald head invading her personal space and would have nothing to do with the so-called "television intervention" that Dr. Phil was prescribing for next week's broadcast. I can practically hear the saliva dripping from Dr. Phil's lips all the way from La La Land. THANK GOD Britney gave him the boot. Because that is the last thing that anyone who actually cared for Britney, that is anyone with sense, would want for her. Dr. Phil is sly enough to know that the elder Spears' fit the profile of the typical sort who grace his studios: nincompoops who are witless enough to believe that Dr. Phil really "cares." Or even after all these years, who still desperately believe that having face time on TV validates your existence. W-T-F are they thinking? Daytime TV is a spectacle of dysfunction, and watching it a sport for the unenlightened. It's what the Romans would have done if the had had television instead of the Coliseum. Britney's daily life is already a manic grab for the spotlight, if only to fill the void inside her. And why is that such a surprise? She grew up under the camera's watchful eye and knows that it morphs her into whatever people want her to be. Do you want to think of her as a virgin? Then she's a virgin? Do you want to think of her as a wayward scamp? Then she'll be a wayward tart. Do you want to think she's a lesbian? Then she'll kiss Madonna and make you wonder. Do you want her to be beautiful? Then she'll dye her hair and wear it in a come-hither style. Do you think she's losing it? Then she'll cut off those tresses just to confirm the rumor for you. What Brit needs is TIME OUT. The question is whether Britney can ever believe she would be worth something without attention. Yes, Britney, you are. But only you can make yourself believe that; you have to stop listening to people who only want to use you for their own gain. That includes Dr. Phil. Don't listen to the rabble who try to eat you and your young each and every news cycle..

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Posted January 6, 2008

The Monsters that Created Britney's Delusional Entitlement

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HE EXPECTATION OF PERFECTION IS THE WORLD'S PRICE FOR THE TITLE POP PRINCESS. But when you become a former pop princess, nothing less than imperfection will do. Put yourself in Britney's shoes: Nothing she does is right in the eyes of the world. And without question she has made mistakes of poor judgment. She married Kevin Federline. She drove with Baby Sean in her lap when he was only months' old, like he was some pedigree pooch preened over by its owner. The boy purportedly fell from a high chair. Britney allegedly fed him pop from the bottle, and then sought teeth whitening for the premature cover boy, which is cuckoo to anybody who lives outside of LaLaLand.

Except for the teeth whitening, such misdemeaors of mothering can be witnessed in virtually any household with tots younger than two. But if you were weaned on Hollywood's poison potion, propelled by your own mother into stardom as a preteen, used for profit or gain by every living soul you've ever met, idolized by the teeming, screaming masses, enslaved by the maw of a voracious media, it should be no surprise to anyone when delusional entitlement becomes your world view. Somewhere along the line in order to learn right from wrong, someone has to teach you the difference. But when you're being groomed for pop stardom, no one tells you the truth. The King has no clothes only after he loses his crown.

Such an abrupt change-of-fortune could leave anyone defiant and in denial even before they are forced to submit to unforgiving judges, court monitors and paparrazi. When once everyone tripped over themselves to tell you you're perfect, now they can't wait to trump your tiniest flaws. You must now pay double for your once-overlooked sins, and your biggest sin is refusing airbrushed perfection -- even going so far as to -- horror! -- cutting your blonde locks for the cameras in the biggest sybolic "fuck you" ever to the world. So now Britney pays for her willfull violation of the rules. But she still doesn't understand just how completely her fortunes have changed, and she skips depositions, ignores her lawyers, and finally locks herself in the closet to keep the one thing, the only thing that is real in her life: her children Sean and Jayden. And they call that crazy. Contrarily, I wonder if perhaps, finally, the dim light of reality has finally crept beneath the door's crack..

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Posted January 5, 2008

Bulging "Package" Or Not, Sacha Baron Cohen is the Real Deal

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URIOUS IS THE DEARTH of stills available on the web and elsewhere of Sacha Baron Cohen's character from the movie that has America's critics singing a love song in chorus, Sweeney Todd. Perhaps that is just good politics: After all, screen star Johnny Depp and Director Tim Burton's serial monogamy is rare in real life, rarer still in Hollywood, and perhaps deserves to be the lead story. But where is this sidebar: that Cohen's showman barber Adolfo Pirelli steals every scene in which he appears. Perhaps that is the cinematographer's intention: the character's sartorial splendor, neatly coiffed hair and, yes, bulging crotch, hint at promise, and contrast sharply with the rest of the film's gloomy pastiche. Yet Crabby wonders if the low-key press for Cohen's performance is coincidence or conspiracy. Surely Johnny Depp, the actor who gets the most high-fives for autograph signing, that man-of-the-people who wants only to be an actor and not a star, can stand to share the spotlight? So far all I've seen is pander after pander about Cohen's padded "package", which I do confess does deserve a spotlight in its own right. But it clearly was part of the gag. No matter. DreamWorks is paying Cohen back with the role as Abbie Hoffman in The Trial of the Chicago Seven, which tells the story of protestors who disrupted the 1968 Democratic Convention and faced criminal charges of inciting a riot. Rumor has it that Steven Spielberg himself convinced Cohen to take the role. That Spielberg, such a smartie.

And speaking of the Spears sisters, (aren't we all, all the time, 24/7, in sickness and in health, till death due us part?) amid the flurry of breathless coverage about Jamie being with child, there is a growing drumbeat for her to marry the baby's presumed father, Casey Aldridge. Here's a plea to tabloid editors, the Religious Right, presidential candidates and any other interest group with a platform: STOP!!!!

When the baby arrives, she or he will be be beautiful, the tabs will be orgasmic over have another celebrity baby to snap, the Religious Right can crow about the virtues of giving birth over abortion. It will be a beautiful story (that is, until the hypervigilant paps spot Jamie not supporting the baby's neck correctly. For shame!) So why spoil this potentially decent outcome with a sure-fire bad outcome? A marriage between two teenagers in Hollywood has a shorter shelf life than a jar of mayonnaise. Can we stop the push for that twist to the story? Jamie and the suspected sperm donor will be paying their indiscretion for the rest of their lives. Why compound the problem by forcing them into marriage? Instead, why not encourage Jamie and Casey to promise to love, honor and commit to being good parents together. Isn't that the best ending we could wish for any unplanned newborn?.

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Posted January 3, 2008

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