BRITNEY'S CARNY
Yo Ex-Fed, Tell It To The Judge
TThankfully, Kevin Federline didn’t try his fly-rhyming style as he rapped to People about his divorce from Britney, the kids and his ex ’s breakdown.
Yes, Brit’s back in the saddle again, and everyone’s ready to become carnies in her Circus. Even Ex-Fed, because, after all, he counts on this meal ticket too.
"For me, I'd become more concerned with my children,’’ Kevin told People. “ Not that I ignored Britney, but my kids are always most important…I mean, we were having complications. I didn't give her an ultimatum, but I was trying to work stuff out with her, and she didn't even talk to me or anything and went behind my back and filed. [I was] completely blindsided."
“Blindsided,’’ he says. Sounds like a good name for his next album.
Ignoring that Federline left his ex Shar Jackson while she was pregnant with their second child in order to procreate with Spears, let's put ourselves in Kev's leather sneaks. “Not that I ignored Britney, but…”
Can you imagine being married to someone with legions of adoring devotees? Is it even possible to have a real relationship with someone who seeks gratification on stage with the help of high-tech pyrotechnics and screaming fanatics?
Yeah. It was doomed from the start.
Add on the fact that Federline clearly felt Spears was the greener (cha-ching!) pasture. No wonder Britney slipped and slid for two years, wandering aimlessly around La La Land trying to find her religion to fill the void in her life.
Everyone uses her, even Federline, who tried unsuccessfully to jump-start a music career, although he claims money was never the issue: "My first question was, 'Am I ever going to be able to see my children?' I told (divorce lawyer Mark Vincent Kaplan) that I would spend every last dime that I had to make sure that my children are okay. That's all that mattered. I didn't know how much power Britney had. That really scared me."
Yeah, Britney is omnipotent. So powerful that she got locked up in psych wards, hung with scumbag paps, and shaved her head in defiance as pop's prison closed in on her.
I don’t know about you, but I’m not buying Circus. I’ve already seen it, and the cost of maintaining this show is too hefty for its fragile ringleader.
Miz J, who works in advertising, has tons of opinions and a big mouth to broadcast them across the globe; however, the Internet saves her the trouble of yelling. Check out her blog at Miz J.Permalink
Posted December 4, 2008
POP CULTURE
Frat Boys Pay A Heavy Price For 'Belonging'
'POLY FRESHMAN DIES AFTER FRAT EVENT,' states the headline in muted flat font. This was the perfect type for a story like this. Black, boring, unassuming, all matter-of-fact.
I’ve only been in college for a year and a half, yet I've already become somewhat numb to these stories. They don’t have much punch left. No shock anymore. They jump at you like some toothless old shepherd gnawing on your pant leg -- you shake it off with a, “Eh, who cares?”
The fraternity scene has always perplexed me. I’ve never been into the popped collar look and I can’t grow a respectable goatee (bro-tee), so I've never even considered joining one. But from what I hear, it’s not all that fun.
Honestly, they sound like vaguely homoerotic summer camps. Everything I have heard from pledging frat brothers goes along the lines of doing embarrassing, degrading things while invariably being in the nude. “Bro, it sucked! They made me denounce my parents, drink a fifth of rum, light my hair on fire and do the chicken-dance…BAREASSED!”
All for what? Brotherhood? Friendship? Even if you don’t die in a haze of alcohol-induced debauchery, is the camaraderie really worth your dignity? Do you really want to be hanging out with these guys? In most cases, the answer seems to be yes.
Seems like frats take down more young adults than the fucking mob each year. I’m not saying that they should be banned; I don’t think the makers of those pink polo shirts could take the hit. And besides, I need somebody to make fun of on Saturday nights too. But there needs to be accountability.
There's a large amount of apathy among college students on frat pratfalls. Many students' arguments sound like they are in denial about the whole situation — “He didn’t have to drink”, “I would have done differently,” blah, blah, blah. Spare me.
People love to be loved. Think about it -- if you’re this kid, 18 years old, brand new to San Luis Obispo, zero friends and trying to make a good impression, are you really going to tell these guys, “Uh...you know fellas, I think I’m gonna call it a night?”
We already know the answer.
Travis Bland is a freelance reporter and literary delinquent living on California's Central Coast. He currently resides in a tin shack, sustaining himself on a healthy diet of sourdough bread crust, Wild Turkey, and Jack Cafferty blog posts. You can reach him at trbland@gmail.com.
Permalink
Posted December 4, 2008
BASED ON A TRUE STORY
Nick to MiMi: 'Marry Me Or No Baloney-Pony Ride'
Editor's note: An explicit fictitious account of MiMi and Nick Cannon's courtship as imagined in Mariah's diary. F
ebruary 2008: Things have been going great with Nick and MiMi.
We've been skiing together, boating together and even eating cereal in the morning time together. It's true, things are going swell. The only thing that bothers me is that Nick reminds me of the little brother I never wanted.
Sure, he buys me everything I stare too hard at, waxes my legs, ass and mustache for me and generally just goes around praising me all day. I just can't shake the feeling that something is missing.
I don't know if it's the fact that he's 11 years my junior or that my mustache, sans wax, is fuller than his, but I'm not too sure about things yet. For instance, last time we went out, he kept making yo mama jokes and telling the waiter that he got "Punkd." I think that's something they do on that little TV show he keeps telling me he plays in...think it's called Mild and Grouts. Sounds like maybe it's a home improvement show on VH1 or something but either way, between his lame jokes and gluing his pubic hair to his chest to appear, in his words, "more manly, less pansy", something's gotta give.
March 2008: MiMi looked at Nick's last bank statement. MiMi doesn't mind the rotten jokes or pubes on his man boobs anymore. Not only that but Nick has had some bad ass ex-girlfriends. Christina Milian, Victoria's Secret model Selita Ebanks and the bootylicious Kim Kardashian. WTF is the kid doing to get these bitches?! I'm intrigued and have to know more.
April 5, 2008: Saw Nick getting out the shower this morning. He's HUGE!!! MiMi likey. Nick keeps saying he's into church so he won't let me ride the baloney pony. Bull. MiMi has a plan to keep choir boy's attention focused on MiMi.
April 20, 2008: It only took one time and one bug in his ear using the old, "I can't do that again until we're married" conversation to get a 17-carat diamond ring! They are indeed a girl's best friend. We're getting married tomorrow so he can get some more.
May 2008: Why does he keep talking about getting matching tattoos?! It's so lame! Weren't the vows enough? I mean, he can get Mariah scribbled 6 inches high from shoulder to shoulder if he wants. I'm going to get a very non-permanent henna tattoo touched up every six months until this shit is over. My album sales went okay but they weren't stellar. Next time, I'll try for an A-lister.
KJ is among Chicago's finest writers. (She believes in the power of swag.) She also enjoys long walks in the park and dirty dishes.Permalink
Posted December 3, 2008
CELEBRITY
Poor Bronx Mowgli Wentz! Abandoned By Good Taste At Birth
ONE OF MY BIGGEST PET PEEVES ABOUT AMERICA'S CELEBRITY-CRAZED CULTURE is that these media anointeds think and feel anything goes for them. WEEKLY HAS THE PRATTS ON THE COVER. "Heidi & Spencer Elope!" GAH! Hate! Hate! Hate! Stab! Stab! Stab! I hated sitting at the kids table. MOVED TO CHICAGO LAST SUMMER, and it has been rough-going since I arrived. I wrapped up a divorce, and I have been laid off twice. But there are things and people in my life that I am thankful for:
In no particular order, these are: 'VE HAD A CHANCE to do some reflecting in between Mad Men DVR marathons and boozing, and I’d like to share with you, dear readers, what I’m most thankful for this year. S TECHNOLOGY MAKING US LESS HUMAN? “Mr. West is in the building. Swagger on a hundred, thousand, trillion.” N US WEEKLY'S COVER, IT'S JEN VS. ANGELINA (AGAIN) AND the sidebar features Reese Witherspoon, feuding manufactured “rock stars” annnnd Brandy, who is apparently a great big liar. recently was flipping through a stack of People mags at my dentist's office, the only pleasure I derive from that annual appointment other than the secret hope for nitrous oxide. Y MOM'S FASCINATION WITH the television series DARK SHADOWS transferred to me in utero. IFE GOES FLACCID FOR SETH ROGAN'S ZACK when he breaks the bank with his impulse purchase of the “Fleshlight." H, TILA TEQUILA, YOU CRAZY LITTLE SLUT, surely your fifteen minutes MUST be up by now. Because what ELSE can you POSSIBLY do to distract from the fact that you have no discernable talent? HE OBAMA FAMILY CONTINUES THEIR REIGN OF SUPREMACY, with the president-elect confessing to Us Weekly that he thinks he's a "pretty cool dad." And the inset is the "Hot Stars" of Twilight. Dear Robert Pattinson, that hair is not "hot." 'M GONNA SAY IT LOUD AND PROUD: I’m a John Mayer fan. I’ll give you a minute to come up with some clever insult. Feel better? Great, now let’s move on. INCE BARACK OBAMA’S ELECTION WIN, I’ve had strangers speak with such sincerity to me and my children that it makes my heart swell. There’s been an overwhelming surge of goodwill in our country since Obama’s victory.
EY JASON WILFONG, HERE'S A REVELATION FOR YOU: I love my vagina, probably most for the two adorable godsends that came into this world through that channel than the physical thrill it gives me. And knowing that joy, I wouldn’t think of depriving anyone else from it. CELEBRATE EVERY DAY THE FACT THAT I HAVE A PENIS. The sheer primacy of ejaculating delivers the best high; the violence of the explosion is thrilling. My penis also gives me a sense confidence and strength – and apparently the right to a bigger paycheck. Men on average still make more than women. ESPERATE HOUSEWIVES ARE SO ‘HO’ HUM. I prefer the Real Housewives, particularly the captivating sistahs of Atlanta, rumored land of milk and honey for upwardly-mobile blacks. Even though they can still be a bevy of backstabbing be-yoches, at least they’re not as insane as those “Of Love” chicks. VEN THE LOS ANGELES TIMES IS LIFTING ITS SKIRT: PORN HAS BEEN DEEMED MAINSTREAM BY LA LA LAND'S INSTITUTIONAL SCOLD. HATE TALKING ON THE TELEPHONE. I hate it so much that I rarely even answer. When I do pick it up, I've been known to lie repeatedly to get off as quickly as possible. Telling a telemarketer they just woke up my sleeping baby is my favorite. EARS UNCONTROLLABLY ROLL DOWN MY FACE as I think of the Americans who fought and gave their lives just to gain the right to vote. I am basking in the glory and celebration that is this monumental day. HE ARTWORK IS DEFINITELY OFF, and the track list is 60 minutes of pure WTF – but I’m just happy to see our girl Britney giving a rat’s ass about music again. LIFETIME AGO, THIS WRITER DID A FEATURE STORY exploring the consequences of growing up “biracial.” What always comes back to me is when one biracial woman said that she had come to see herself as an “ambassador” to the world. O LARRY BIRKHEAD CONFIRMS RUMORS ABOUT FILMING HIS OWN REALITY SHOW set to premiere on E! in 2009. The show will focus on his life as a courageous single dad, strong businessman, and inspirational home-school teacher to his 18-year-old nephew Justin. ETH ROGAN LOVES PORN. ITH THE EXCEPTION OF A FEW BAD HAIR JOKES, I don’t recall any male politicians’ sartorial splendor or lack thereof making headlines. But the detailed review of the physical and style attributes of the women on this year's campaign trail have been some of the sexist -- and regressive -- politics I've witnessed. S OBAMAMANIA REACHES FEVER PITCH, talk now turns to who will serve in his cabinet. One name on everybody’s list: queen of all media Oprah (sorry, Perez), because she anointed him early as “the one,” risking her brand with the very people who made her one. HOA. WHOA. WHOA. E AT CRABBY GOLIGHTLY ARE NOT SO NAIVE TO AS BELIEVE EVEN A SMATTERING OF THE CHATTER being fed to the media over the Madonna-Guy breakup. Y PENNINGTON, A GUY'S GO-TO-HANDYMAN, has definitely been Trading Spaces. S SENATOR MCCAIN SURELY CRINGES FROM THE LATEST RANTS OF HIS RUNNING MATE SARAH PALIN, I'LL POSIT THAT HE'D be much better off in the race if he had chosen Judge Judith Sheindlin as his running mate. O HERE'S THE THING: I actually think authorities are considering slapping the cuffs on Britney for the wrong reason. HOA. OKAY, WAIT. THE STUFF THAT'S BEEN GOING ON SINCE LAST SUNDAY'S EPISODE IS GIVING MORE OF A BUZZ THAN ANY BOOZE. Although, I’ve chosen a very potent blend of Long Island Iced Tea to get me through tonight’s sideshow. USED TO THINK THAT MADONNA’s move from sexpot to intergalactic hippie after daughter Lourdes was born had finally humanized the diva. I thought that she had finally gotten over herself. After all, children are usually good at upending one's vanity. EORGE BUSH IS SET TO DELIVER A A PEP TALK TO THE NATION ABOUT THE ECONOMY TODAY. Has he not yet figured out that the best thing he can do is lie low and quietly exit through the back door? Bush demanding the national stage just reminds us all why we're in this mess, and probably costs his party's candidate McCain points in the election. Mr. President, you did too little, too late. If you want to help the nation, say as little as possible. And save your explanations for your memoir.
Case in point: Ashlee Simpson and Peter Wentz, who just had their second child. Hurray for childbirth.
But I'm bemused when I hear about celebrities playing their game of
According to the blog The Pop Eye, author "Rudyard Kipling made up the name up and, according to the "language of the forest," it means "frog." Poor Rudyard. He had to project the pain caused by his own name by making up a terribly-named character.
I understand that some people love certain books and choose to name a child/children in its honor. Bruce Willis and Demi Moore? They named their daughter Rumer after the British novelist Rumer Godden, and daughter Scout -- because of their affection for the novel, To Kill A Mockingbird. But, come on, there are limits.
What drug was Nicholas Cage doing when he named his child Kal-El -- or the ficticious Superman's real name on Krypton? Who does Paula Yates think she is when she names her kids Pixie, Heavenly Hiraani Tiger Lily, Fifi Trixibelle and the incomparable Peaches Honeyblossom Michelle Charlotte Angel Vanessa? (Oh, I forgot, Yates is dead).
Gwen Stefani may be a rock goddess, but she became total parental dufus when she named her new baby, Zuma Nesta Rock. And illusionist Penn Jillette better teach his kid how to disappear quick with the name Moxie CrimeFighter. Come to think of it, it sounds as though Penn is setting this kid up to have to defend herself.
Where did this trend of outrageous child-naming come from? I blame Frank Zappa. Zappa named his kids Dweezil, Moon Unit, and Diva Thin Muffin Pigeen (and the relatively respectable in comparison, Ahmet ) and we all know what happened to them? (Well, actually, no.)
His experimenting paved the way for all of the Apples, Kal-Els, and Bronx Mowglis of the world. Or maybe the Wentz's just have an unnatural love for New York and The Jungle Book? Ugh.
Jason Wilfong of Chicago, believes he has unrecognized genius. He also loves sports, comic books and good music. You can reach him via email.Permalink
Posted December 2, 2008
NEW FEATURE
Tabloid Trash Talk
Angelina Throws Knives, Kitty Kelley Lobs Bombshells And Julia Roberts Emits Bad Odor
US
Inside: Sigh. There they are with their giant, blonde heads and perfect teeth. Pratts indeed.
I've never actually looked at Spencer Pratt before but he sort of looks like a woman. Maybe it's his lips or something about his long eyelashes. Now that he's got this scruffy business going on he looks like a bearded lady.
Anyway, on to their utterly unplanned and in no way staged Mexican wedding! Essentially they were sitting around, drinking margaritas and thought it would be “fun” to get married. So they did. And then they called the press. She wore
Balenciaga and he wore jeans. The end. I look forward to reading the overview of the marriage in the divorce special that’s sure to be on newsstands by Easter.
Ashlee and Pete Wentz bestowed a name so distinct on their newborn son that it announces clearly to the world: My parents are fucktards. Bronx Mowgli Wentz was born on November 20th. Poor little guy.
A preview of Britney’s upcoming MTV documentary is next. She sites Madonna’s Truth or Dare as an inspiration so I’m looking forward to a lot of black and white bedroom shots with sex toys and scantily clad, androgynous love slaves draped all over the scenery.
Life & Style
Everyone’s having babies! Or not!
Inside: OMG! You guys look at that, Neve Campbell is still alive! Right there on page 19! Awesome.
Twilight is still a “hot topic.” L&S clues us into the ingenious genetic experiments that gave us Robert Pattinson: His face is actually a composite of five other known and loved actors. Well, four. The fifth is Chace Crawford.
Life & Style tries to convince us to care about Paris Hilton’s failed relationship with Benji Madden. She’s been dancing away her pain in various night clubs and says that she’s going to be alone and focusing on her life for a while. Pfft. She can’t maintain a presence in the news as a single woman. I give it a month.
At the back a dozen stars give their weight loss tips. It’s a mixed bag of “ew” and “duh” dieting revelations. Watercress soup anyone?
Star
On The Cover: Uh oh. Someone wasn’t getting paid enough. “Hollywood Bodyguards Tell All!”
Inside: Here are some highlights from the Report: A “source close to one of her bodyguards” reports that Britney Spears acts crazy. Didn’t we all decide a long time ago that she is, in fact, crazy? Next! Saint Angelina apparently throws knives when she’s mad. Don't make mommy aaaanngry! Nicole Ritchie sends X-rated text messages to her baby daddy. Yawn. Lilo has sticky fingers and should never be invited to your hotel room.
Linds also successfully scared off an ex-member of the Special Forces after only 10 days on the job. She obviously means business with her hell raising!
Miley Cyrus is a future part-time lesbian according to sources who report she likes to kiss on girlfriends in the back of her limos. Katie Holmes still has a little fire in her belly! She reportedly caused a nice bit of damage flinging a bronze statue at a wall in a fit of rage. Free Katie! Julia Roberts is a stinky hippy and Oprah is mean. Uh, duh. I could have told you that. Johnny Depp, the more mysterious you are the more I want to jump your bones. I’m only half afraid of that girlfriend. She’s weird.
Beyond that there are a few faces rarely seen in tabloids: Jennifer Aniston’s dad gets a shout-out in a story about meeting John Mayer. Good ol' Victor Kiriakis! He looks…shiny. And Tom Cruise’s daughter, NotSuri, makes some headlines with a shocking choice to spend time with her adoptive mother, Nicole Kidman. Gasp! How could she? The Shatner is getting a talk show! And he wants to talk “life force.” Oy. This can’t end well.
National Enquirer
Shocking new secrets revealed about Queen of the World, Oprah Winfrey.
Inside: Kitty Kelley is getting ready to release her unauthorized biography of O. Lawsuit in 5...4...3...
Her early career was a haze of drinking and drugs. Oprah smoked crack! There’s more speculation about her relationship with Gayle, they add fuel to the lesbo fire with reports that Gayle was jealous of Oprah’s relationship with Michelle Obama. Meow! C-C-C-Catfight!
Kitty Kelley promises that when this book is published “the world will never look at Oprah the same way.” Good.
Vegas is a gambler who always loses money on craps. She spends her time Chicago with her husband, two cats and various artistic endeavors which are beginning to take up way too much space in her house and hard drive. She blogs at jensaysanything.blogspot.com.
Permalink
Posted December 1, 2008
THANKSGIVING
Whether Big Or Small, Count Your Blessings
A Family Tradition: The Gift That Keeps On Giving
I
Don't get me wrong, I loved my cousins. The only other girl, however, had already moved to the grown-up table and I was stuck in the middle of three very loud, very messy boys. We sat at a folding table with a Twister mat underneath us to catch our crumbs. The food was always sensational, but I longed to be with the big people.
My Grandmother soon had mercy on my pre-adolescent, too-smart-for-my-own-good self. I was ecstatic to get to sit between my beloved cousin and my hilarious uncle. Then came Thanksgiving dinner, and a new responsibility that I wasn't so fond of. Every year, every person as the big table had to go around share what they were thankful for. I wanted to hide. Never knowing what to say, I always copped out with answers like "family and friends."
Read the full story here.
MzEll is a stay-at-home mom who writes, reads, knits, and tries to maintain sanity on a regular basis. You can read her blog at Cookiemonks.
Bright Lights, Big City
I
1. My divorce. People get married hoping to find “the one” and to live happily ever after, but the sad truth is that there are couples who just don’t belong together.
Read the full story here.
Jason Wilfong of Chicago, believes he has unrecognized genius. He also loves sports, comic books and good music. You can reach him via email.
Vodka and VH2, And Mad Men and Mom: A Few Of My Favorite Things
I
First off, I'd like to thank my mother for creating the bundle of awesomeness you all know as Miz J. Thanks, Mom. Your constant calls to my work line and forwarded God emails have not gone unnoticed, just unanswered and unopened. (Hey, I’m busy at work. I talk to her A LOT when I’m at home, people. A LOT).
Read the full story here.
Miz J, who works in advertising, has tons of opinions and a big mouth to broadcast them across the globe; however, the Internet saves her the trouble of yelling. Check out her blog at Miz J.
Permalink
Posted November 27, 2008
MEDIA
Watching Suicide Live, Detached From Reality
I
By now everybody has heard the story of Abraham Biggs Jr., the 19 year-old college student who broadcast his suicide over the internet.
The South Florida teen, who was affected with bi-polar disorder, announced that he was going to kill himself on a forum at bodybuilders.com. Biggs then posted a link from the forum to Justin.tv, where users can broadcast live from their webcams. Reportedly, some users contacted moderators at the body building site, who traced Biggs’ location and alerted police. But by the time police got to the scene about 3 p.m., Biggs was already dead. He had started blogging about 12 hours earlier.
While Biggs was live-streaming his own suicide, other users posted comments ranging from shocked exclamations to off-colored “gallows humor.” Justin.tv quickly pulled down the video after the incident.
Biggs father, Abraham Sr., told ABC News that he was appalled that people would watch his son kill himself. "I think it is wrong to have this happen for hours without any action being taken from the people in charge,’’ the senior Biggs said. “Where were they all the time?"
In a statement to the media, Justin.tv CEO Michael Seibel, said, "We regret that this has occurred and want to respect the privacy of the broadcaster and his family during this time."
Biggs is not the first person to kill himself online (an act eerily dubbed ‘cyber-suicide’ by one Australian newspaper), but his real-time suicide is raising many questions regarding internet safety and the lines between the freedom and regulation of expression.
The internet produces pseudo-stardom in an instant. It's becoming epidemic to see people prostituting their privacy in exchange for attention that humans seem to crave so deeply.
There's something inhumane about the web's voyeurism, as well as our boundless quest for profit. I abhor the lack of action on the part of Justin.tv, but as an advocate of free speech, I also can’t defend tight control over web broadcasting.
When this grieving
family inevitably files a lawsuit, the civil courts will
prove to be regulation enough.
Travis Bland is a freelance reporter and literary delinquent living on California's Central Coast. He currently resides in a tin shack, sustaining himself on a healthy diet of sourdough bread crust, Wild Turkey, and Jack Cafferty blog posts. You can reach him at trbland@gmail.com.Permalink
Posted November 26, 2008
POP PSYCHOLOGY
Rapping With Kanye's 'ID'
M
Ya’ll like that line from “Swagger Like Us”? That was mine. I told Kanye to write it and he wrote it. Hell, the line wrote itself. Let me introduce myself: I am Kanye’s swagger. I know some of ya’ll aren’t that bright so let me tell you who and what I am.
Swagger or a person’s “swag” is their very essence, their sexy. It’s the way you walk into a room and command attention. It’s a (not-so) subtle air of superiority many celebrities possess (and even the occasional nobody). Swagger is so powerful it that should damn well speak for itself and I’m gonna.
That was me in England that screamed when that paparazzo clown tried to photograph me. I pushed the camera back in that guy’s face. I did it cause it’s not Kanye they want, it’s me, the swagger. Same thing in LAX. I broke that fuckin' camera cause I need compensation for my photos. Swag costs, babies.
I gave ya’ll a few for free when I told ya’ll Bush doesn’t care about Black people. I interrupted those guy’s acceptance speech at the MTV Europe Music Awards and told ya’ll I should’ve won video-of-year because Pamela Anderson was in the fuckin' video. A nobody like Kanye pulling Pamela “Boob Supreme” Anderson in a music video was a swag-tastic maneuver and you imbeciles didn’t appreciate it.
I told Kanye to call himself the Louis Vuitton Don. Why? Because it makes him sound important. I told him tight pants were hot and to put on pastel. Why? Because I take risks. Hell, I even told him to use that Auto-Tunes after T-pain had used it on 4,000,000 or so top-selling singles. And what happens? Boom! Love Lockdown storms the charts, baby. I make his blog worth talking about by posting the most obnoxiously expensive items and hottest women on a planet, that without a doubt most of you commoners can’t pretend to afford and can’t afford to date.
The bottom line is this: swag makes rappers hot. Kanye ain’t nobody without me: I make you love him or hate him. I make him hot, and if you don’t see him generally making an ass out of himself from time to time, I’m not handling my business. But for right now, “swagger on a hundred-thousand-trillion.”
Shakenya Jackson is among Chicago's finest writers. (She believes in the power of swag.) She also enjoys long walks in the park and dirty dishes.Permalink
Posted November 25, 2008
NEW FEATURE
Tabloid Trash Talk
'People' Finds New Way To S(m)ell Fantasy, Tipster Says Angie Connived To Steal Brad, And Mel Gibson Sins
O
Inside, Us Weekly parties like it’s 2005 with long (read: boring) stories about the Bradgelinaston relationship and Brandy’s fake marriage. "In a main love scene, Brad and Angelina would both wear flesh-colored underwear," a source on the set of Mr. and Mrs. Smith told the mag. "But in the end, she shunned the suit and climbed in bed with him naked! It's the biggest thing we all remember from that film." Oh, that Angelina, she's such a vampire.
UW is definitely on Team Anniston. But does anyone else think John Mayer is starting to look like John Waters with that haircut and mustache?
Brandy lied about marrying her baby’s daddy back in 2002. Now that she’s got a new album coming out she’s ready to exploit her past shame in exchange for a four page spread. Awesome.
There’s a brief story on Reese’s life and she unironically uses the word “Gosh.” ‘Nuff said.
Lastly, they photoshop Michelle Obama’s head onto the bodies of four models to see what sort of dress she should wear to the inauguration. Only one of those models is black sooooo yeah. Good on ya and your race relations, Us Weekly!
STAR WEEKLY
Jen vs. Angelina AND Brad on the cover. Above the masthead are promises of an inside look into Rihanna’s private romance (not so private,) JT and JBeil’s new NYC apartment and Jessica Simpson’s womb. She’s got a bump! It could be a baby! Or some BBQ! Let’s find out!
Inside: Rihanna and Chris Brown; hot, famous, young people in love. On the beach! Eating Popeye’s chicken! Getting tattoos! It’s such a whirlwind, how can we keep up? We can’t. Next?
Brittney dresses her sons in matching outfits. I wonder how long they’ll put up with that. She’s nervous about leaving them to go on tour. I’m sure the rest of the family will take good care of them, like they have been, since they were born.
Six pages of Bradgelinaston coverage in Star! Both Star and Us have a pictorial history of their relationship…mostly the same photos too. For the win, Star has the hot photo of Jen in the red bikini from their trip to Cabo in 2003.
Also in this issue, handbags like my grandma used to carry are totally hot right now. Dear, sweet Grandma, you were so ahead of your time.
NATIONAL ENQUIRER
The cover is busy, busy, busy. Mel Gibson might be divorcing, MK Olsen is gaining weight, Patrick Swayze continues his battle with cancer and they might have found poor Caylee Anthony’s grave.
Inside, Matt Lauer fumes over Meredith Vieira’s marriage crack on the Today Show last week. That’s right bitch, don’t mess with my Matt.
The Jen vs. Angelina fight is actually an Angelina vs. Brad fight according the Enquirer. Whatever, which ever, it’s all the same quotes. This leads me to believe that these folks should reevaluate the relationships they have with their friends. Who the hell are these inside sources?
J.Lo (As TMZ sez, "Memba her?) gets jealous, Julia Roberts surfs, Katie Holmes is tired, and David Spade has a love child…Wait, back up. What? Seriously, what is it with this guy? I don’t see it.
Mel Gibson’s been canoodling, as they say, with some hot Russian chick. This might be the end of his 28-year marriage! For shame! What kind of good Catholic are you Mel? You know, cheaters are responsible for all of the wars in the world.
Finally, Laura Bush is working on a tell-all memoir. Note to Laura: yeah, you know a LOT of people started drinking again after 9/11, cut The Cowboy-in-Chief some slack will ya? And Cindy McCain’s been making out with a used car salesman. Allegedly. That’s just sad. For her. And all of her money.
BONUS COVERAGE!
People named Hugh Jackman as the Sexiest Man Alive and I won’t argue. Inside, 129 other sexy men who smell! Eeeewww!
In some sort of weird marketing scheme, People put scratch-and-sniff patches on a bunch of guys’ photos. Chance Crawford smells like Future Washed Up Actor, Taye Diggs smells spicy (mmmm) and Chris Meloni smells the best of all, sigh. He’s dreamy in that over-wrought authority-figure-gone-awry sort of way.
Michael Phelps smells like actual cologne. Better than chlorine I guess.
I think they should have put scents on all of these guys. You know Robert Downey Jr. and Javier Bardem probably both smell like whiskey, cigarettes and sex.
Vegas is a gambler who always loses money on craps. She spends her time Chicago with her husband, two cats and various artistic endeavors which are beginning to take up way too much space in her house and hard drive.Permalink
Posted November 24, 2008
PUBLICITY
Brother, Can You Spare A Camera Crew? "Jen-gelina" Inspires International Mission
I picked up the issue with Jennifer Hudson’s heartbreaking family tragedy on the cover. In the upper right-hand corner there is a smiling Mother Theresa surrounded by Afghani refugee children. Hmm, that’s funny, I remember Mother Theresa looking a lot older and leathered.
I look closer.
Ooh, silly me, that’s not Mother Theresa --- it’s Angelina Jolie!
“EXCLUSIVE PHOTOS!” Shouts the headline.
“Angelina: Her Secret War Zone Visit.”
Everyone’s most beloved and photographed Goodwill Ambassador is back!
It’s a good thing that someone had the good sense to bring cameras along on this secret mission; otherwise no one would see exclusive photos of St. Angelina that People miraculously managed to obtain. (Brad, are you selling snaps again?)
I admit: I am impressed. There’s an extremely flattering photo of Angelina smiling with three radiantly needy refugee children. The caption reads: “Admiring the ‘courage’ and ‘resilience’ of the returnees.”
Might I add that I admire Angelina’s choice of minimal make-up for the shoot? A very nice, subtle, smoke-around-the-eyes look that doesn’t seem obviously made-up, which helps to stress the seriousness of the situation.
The next two photos are of a burdened “Angel”-ina gently touching the arm of a boy suffering from malaria; the boy is covered in flies.
Read the complete post here!
Since 1986, Natalie Melendez has been a work-in-progress. She currently resides in an undisclosed mountainous California location, where she spends most of her time studying, writing and roasting chestnuts by the fire. You can reach her at natalieismyname@gmail.com
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Posted November 21, 2008
MOVIES
Bloodthirsty for 'Twilight'
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While growing up, I fed that appetite for blood with volumes by R.L. Stine and Anne Rice, and today I encourage that propensity in my wee ones: Their favorite Halloween book is Vunce Upon A Time.
But nothing has sucked the air from my lungs like Twilight, Stephanie Meyer’s vampire series that reaches the big screen tomorrow.
Twilight has people of all ages breathlessly awaiting their chance for a ticket. With the release date so close to Thanksgiving, I’ll be salivating over Edward Cullen while simultaneously preparing to stuff turkey, a paradox to be sure: the mythical Cullen is a "vampire vegetarian" who only feasts on nonhuman beasts.
But even though the Cullen clan doesn't celebrate Thanksgiving in our customary fashion, their sense of family is very much in tact. The moralistic Cullens have been perfectly cast: Ashley Greene, is the spitting image of Stephanie Meyer’s description of the dark-haired, prophetic, tinkerbell Alice.
Kellen Lutz, whom author Meyer fought to have cast as Emmett, captures the burly bear-of-a-guy character depicted throughout the saga. Jackson Rathbone appears as Jasper, whose beauty releases forbidden squeals from inside me.
Read more! Click here.
MzEll is a stay-at-home mom who writes, reads, knits, and tries to maintain sanity on a regular basis. You can read her blog at Cookiemonks.
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Posted November 20, 2008
FILM
'Zack And Miri's' Store-Bought Boner Available At Amazon
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Of course, we all know that Zack and Miri Make A Porno is Kevin Smith’s new comedy starring Rogan and Elizabeth Banks as lifelong friends who’ve hit hard times and decide their ticket out is to make a porn flick.
The platonic roommates’ financial fix grows even harder after Zack impulsively purchases the “male masturbator” that you too can have for just $59.95 from Amazon. But $60 is a lot of bank when you’re running on empty.
Fast forward to these losers’ high school reunion where Miri works like a pitbull in lipstick to get laid by a former crush. What she doesn’t know is the former jock is the lover of a hardcore gay porn star whom Zack chats up. Then --flash and inspiration! Zack thinks if this fuck can make porn, surely anyone can. The confluence of desperation and inspiration lead he and Miri to decide to make a dick flick.
What ensues is some of the most offensive and memorable moments in recent cinema, including an important PSA about the contraindications of anal sex and constipation.
The film is hysterical! It’s offensive! It’s rude! I give it eight penises out of 10. But before you make any purchases, remember the cautionary words straight from Zack's mouth: the Fleshlight feels like "fucking a flashlight."
Nathan Israileff is a sarcastic, cynical, loveable provocateur who lives in HelLA.
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Posted November 19, 2008
CELEBRITY SNARK
Large Breasts And Low Standards Extend Tila Tequila's Fame to 30 Minutes
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You’ve already had your MTV reality show/farce, A Shot At Love With Tila Tequila, during which you entertained suitors of both sexes to advance your bisexual plotline.
You’ve already been caught making out with the two “it” Z-listers of the moment, Justin Long (a.k.a. "The Mac Guy") and Courtenay Semal (she of the Yahoo! dynasty.) You’ve already actually TRIED the rock band thing (it didn’t exactly work out). You’ve been the Asian Cyber Girl of the Month (whatever that means).
Now you’re releasing a solo album, allegedly dubbed I Have Tourettes. And starting a new reality series in which we get to follow you around while you, I don’t know, brush your teeth and pick up your dry-cleaning?
You've got your ''niche'' market: the one million friends on MySpace who want to see you naked on the Internet.
And that’s the saddest part of it all.
So go ahead, people. Have your shot of Tequila. Just make sure you purge properly when you’re finished – into a trash can.
Miz J, who works in advertising, has tons of opinions and a big mouth to broadcast them across the globe; however, the Internet saves her the trouble of yelling. Check out her blog at Miz J.
SexyChattyCatty contributed to this item.
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Posted November 18, 2008
NEW FEATURE
Tabloid Trash Talk
Bell Bottoms, Chachispawn, John Travolta, And Other Shit That Frights In The Night
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The first feature is a two-page Katie Holmes fashion spread. I contend that none of those pants are either "casual" or "cool." I'm going to have nightmares about $275 bell-bottoms tonight, thank you Us!
Us declares "No More Kids for Chachi!" And I say, "Thank God!" I don't think the world needs any more chachispawn. Gretchen Mol's kid is cute but with a name like Ptolemy he's destined for the life of an uber-math nerd. Poor little guy.
The "They're Just Like Us" spread is on pages 30-31. I'm not buying it. I can't afford court side seats to a Lakers' game like Kate Hudson. And I sure as hell know that Andy Dick will never, ever be like any of us. Then there's this Jessica Szohr chick trying on ridiculous boots. She might be like us. I don't know. I've never heard of her. (Ohhhh, she's a Gossip Girl. Now I get it.)
The gloryholing of Barack Obama's life continues on page 45. Blah blah blah, continuity in his daughters' lives. Blee blee blooh, inevitable comparison to JFK. Historian Doris Kearns Goodwin closes the story with this choice quote: "We're aware that we're transplanting a family that might have looked very much like someone we might know into this magical place, the White House." Bwahaha. I'm sorry but maaaagicaaaaal. Gimme a break. We've have definitely run out of "news" on the Obamas.
The next two pages are reruns of photos that have been floating around since the election. Oh, and a side bar about the First Puppy, the darling of the 24-hour news cycle. The story goes on for four more pages, mostly photos of the girls. There's a side-by-side on their likes, hobbies, career plans (how old are they?), their pet peeves and thoughts on their new home. Girls, get used to charts and comparisons.
Brit's babe Jayden's trip to the emergency room is covered briefly. It was something he ate, they say. Dad didn’t even fly in, so he’s going to be OK. And then the piece goes on to discuss Brit’s appearance at the Madonna concert and how she’s looking forward to making a come back. Bring it.
Us FINALLY introduces us to the kid from Twilight. I gotta say he’s hotter as Cedric Diggory. But he’s also a musician! And he’s hoping to record a CD! Hooray! We have so few mediocre actors crossing over into music. We almost ran out! Thank you, Robert Pattinson (and Joaquin Phoenix)!
Read more! Click here.
Vegas is a gambler who always loses money on craps. She spends her time Chicago with her husband, two cats and various artistic endeavors which are beginning to take up way too much space in her house and hard drive.Permalink
Posted November 18, 2008
MUSIC/TELEVISION
Shut Up, Haters! John Mayer Can Explore My Wonderland Anytime
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Admitting liking John hurts less than that time in third grade when I had to confess to wearing a training bra. It hurts less, guys, than admitting that you use Nair to remove hair from your forearms.
Now the buzz is that John is in talks with CBS to do his own 60s-style retro variety show. But the news just sets him up for more verbal stabbings.
“Has he become a has-been already?," one hater wrote at justjared.com.
I’m baffled why the gorgeous, rich and talented John has gotten such a bad rap. Sure he was routinely dissed on the Family Guy. I’ll admit he came off as a bit of a fuck when he told TMZ that he didn’t want to ‘waste’ Jennifer Aniston's time. And, yeah, he wears that “womanizer” tag well. But it’s not like he’s some righteous vegetarian.
I’ll give you this though: he’s got this “J’’ thing going on with his girlfriends: Jennifer Love Hewitt, Jessica Simpson and Jennifer Aniston. Weird.
But don’t love or hate John Mayer because of “Your Body is a Wonderland.” Listen to the duet he performs with B.B King on King’s song Hummingbird. Sample his album Try. Or even better -- go see John play a live show. What's the worst that could happen? I mean, it's not like I'm asking you do to something crazy, like vote for Palin in 2012.
Ryann Flynn is an avid recycling, Gimlet-drinking, Chicago Cubs-loving art director trying to bust into advertising. You can check out her work at ryannflynn.carbonmade.com. Permalink
Posted November 17, 2008
POLITICS
The "Obama Affect": National Joy After A Long, Emotional Winter
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Despite the far right’s love of war games. and Sexy Sarah’s media blitz, even conservatives are bowing to their forthcoming commander-in-chief. A new Gallup poll shows an increase in the number of conservatives who believe Obama will make an effective president
We all listened on that momentous night, as John McCain shushed his booing supporters and challenged them to accept Barack Obama as their president. But his comments to Jay Leno are the ones that gave me the most optimism for the future. “You know, one thing I think Americans don't want is a sore loser.” It was that calm surrender that finally won John McCain my respect.
Elizabeth Hasselback is also working hard to be a team player. The graciousness from The View’s token Republican comes as great surprise. On the morning after the election, I tuned in to hear what Elizabeth had to say now that her candidate had lost. She talked about watching Obama’s acceptance speech that morning with her daughter Grace on her lap. When Grace asked who’d lost the election, Elizabeth told her no one had, and I agree. No one loses when millions of people rise together to speak with their votes. There are no losers when an African American breaks the race barriers man and ascends to the White House.
It appears even Mrs. Palin is willing to set aside her differences with Obama. Just a few days ago she told Wolf Blitzer she’d be glad to assist the Obama administration any way she could, especially when it came to energy policy and special-needs children. I appreciate her helpful offers, even in they’re superficial in nature.
Collectively, our country is embracing the decision its majority made. And though there are reports that hate has reared its ugly horns the wounds to our national psyche inflicted by the last sad eight years have begun to mend. The good-will flows, and my face is sore from my exercising atrophied muscles: I can’t stop wearing a smile.
MzEll is a stay-at-home mom who writes, reads, knits, and tries to maintain sanity on a regular basis. You can read her blog at Cookiemonks.Permalink
Posted November 15, 2008
SEX, PART TWO
The Gender Wars: My Vagina Is Better Than Your Penis
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So the “pregnant man” Thomas Beatie has conceived a second child. She and her wife Nancy both made sacrifices to make their family a reality. And even after living with those consequences – harassment, hate mail, notoriety – they choose to have another child.
Anyone claiming to be open-minded would not deny their right to love. Not to women who need medical help to conceive; not to gay men who want children; not to childless couples who use donated eggs or sperm to fulfill a family dream.
That’s the power of the womb. That’s love.
MzEll is a stay-at-home mom who writes, reads, knits, and tries to maintain sanity on a regular basis. You can read her blog at Cookiemonks.Permalink
Posted November 15, 2008
SEX
A 'Third Sex?' Pregnant Man Pretends To Have A Dick, And The Media Plays Along
So it's no surprise that I don’t get the "pregnant man." Frankly he/she creeps me out.
I'm open-minded. I support gay marriage, a woman's right to choose, and the right to change your sex if you really feel the need.
But this woman decided that she was meant to be a man, that she wanted to live the rest of her life as one. Good for her/him; I say welcome to the men’s club.
But then she/he changes his/her mind and decides she/he wants to procreate? And not only once, but twice?
Here’s a news flash: real men don’t have wombs. You are not a man, Thomas Beatie, just a woman playing dress-up. Pick a side and stick with it. Your gender-bending has become a lie.
Jason Wilfong of Chicago, believes he has unrecognized genius. He also loves sports, comic books and good music. You can reach him via email.Permalink
Posted November 15, 2008
TELEVISION
The Hot Housewives Of Surreal Atlanta
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Sheree, DeShawn, Kim, Lisa and, my personal favorite, NeNe. I covet their frequent spa treatments even more than the gated houses, personal makeup artists and chefs. Scratch that, I’ve always vowed that if I got to live large a personal chef would be my first hire.
But let’s dissect, shall we?
Kim’s first. Unlike the other housewives she’s a white girl who likes to say she’s “a black woman in a white woman’s body.” I hate that phrase. You’re white Kim. And blonde. Nothing black about you; you just hang with black folks sometimes. She also thinks she’s a country singer because she has that big, blonde weave. Poor Kim, she’s not even a good bathroom singer.
Read more about the hot wives! Click here.
SexyChattyCatty comments at CrabbyGolightly.com on TV, America's favorite snack food.Permalink
Posted November 14, 2008
BUSINESS
In L.A.'s Film Fashion, Porn Is The New Black
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I told the editor of this virtual rag this news months ago, but as usual, nobody makes a move in the media without print's version of a blue-haired giving the nod. If Crabby had just listened, she would have printed this months ago when I first sent it. (A closet prude, perhaps?)
So, as I was saying, porn is slowly creeping into the mainstream.
The evidence? First, there's porn star Katie Morgan making an appearance in Kevin Smith's Zack and Miri Make a Porno, about two friends hard up for cash deciding to make a skin flick.
Up next: 20-year-old Sasha Grey who made her hard-core skin debut at 18. She's set to star in Steven Soderbergh's upcoming, The Girlfriend Experience, the tale of a $10,000-a-night call girl.
And, taking a detour back to the small screen, I was watching Next last year when I saw a familiar face. (Yes, I’m embarrassed to admit, but it’s one of my guilty pleasures.) You know, MTV's show that allows a dater to choose among five contestants holed up (no pun intended) in a tour bus? One by one they enter, and if the date doesn’t go well, or if first impressions are not up to snuff, the serial dater yells, "Next!" And the next victim, er, “datee” comes out. It’s pretty ruthless. I love it.
Anyway, on the lesbian segment up pops porn star extraordinaire Anna Cruz. (Remember, I know this because work at the porn palace.)
Now I’ve seen more of Anna’s body and bodily functions than I care to tell, but I knew that face even clothed. I was flabbergasted. Couldn’t wait to get to work and tell the boss (who had a good chuckle over it while still lamenting the fact that his kids would soon outgrow Nickelodeon and graduate to MTV. )
And, over at Oxygen, the Janice Dickinson Agency has hired the beefcake boyride named Martin Richie, a.k.a York Hubbard. He is deaf and a porn regular. I’m not sure why Janice has kept him on: He’s okay, but not exactly like the hunka hunka perfect specimens that she usually hires. Call me cynical, but I wonder if the deaf angle is the key.
Last season Dickinson had on a woman who cut herself. Maybe she’s taking a clue from her friend, mogul Tyra Banks, who always seems to have someone in her ANTM bunch with an affliction, be it blindness, Asberger’s disease or just “plus size.” Which, I guess, is considered a disease in the modeling world. Even looking at pretty people gets old and the only twist left is 'dirty.'
SexyChattyCatty comments at CrabbyGolightly.com on TV, America's favorite snack food.Permalink
Posted November 10, 2008
POP SCIENCE
A 'Risque' Conclusion? Study Says Sexy TV Conceives More Teen Pregnancy
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This is exactly why I have no faith in a new study by the Rand Corp. which concludes that teens who watch more sexually explicit material on the "boob tube" are more likely to get pregnant.
You might be asking, 'What does this study have to do with the phone?' All of the data in the study was gathered over the phone. Over a period of three years, 12 to 17 year olds were asked via telephone to report their sexual behavior as well as what television they watched. The study concluded that kids who watched more visual vice were twice as likely to become pregnant than those who consumed wholesome programming.
That seems clear-cut enough -- until you look at the actual numbers in the experiment. About 25 percent of the kids dropped out of the study, with another 11 percent being dismissed because they didn’t report sexual activity or denied having any. In total, 64% of the original teenagers are missing from the results.
The researchers based their findings on 36% of a group of teenagers who spoke on the phone 3 times over the course of 3 years with researchers they didn't know personally. This is science?
There was only one saving grace in the New York Times report on the study: the writer suggests that parents sit down with their young adults and explain a realistic perspective of the sexual encounters they view.
My own Mom spent entire weekends watching My So Called Life marathons with me. She taught sex-ed at the time, so that helped. But what was most comforting was just having her there; not so much talking as her simply being present to answer questions, and to appreciate the program for the reasons I loved it.
As mom to two young boys, I know that their clarity of mind for anything beyond girl cooties and Mama-love is a decade away. I don't know exactly how I'll deal with regulating television when that time comes. But I do know I'd rather be sitting on the couch with my boys watching Degrassi and pointing out the realities and over-simplifications, rather than banning them from watching it at all.
As the NYT's writer points out, parents don’t choose when their teens becomes intimate. But when that time comes for my boys, I want them to have the necessary knowledge to make their best decisions.
Maybe I should start watching Gossip Girl for the sake of future research. At the very least, it would give me a good reason to take the phone off the hook.
MzEll is a stay-at-home mom who writes, reads, knits, and tries to maintain sanity on a regular basis. You can read her blog at Cookiemonks.Permalink
Posted November 6, 2008
HISTORY
Hope Delivered: Black Americans Joyous, Proud, Fearful
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Never in a million years did any of those individuals dream of a black man in the White House. They just wanted -- at the very least -- the chance to choose the white man that would end up there.
I was overcome with emotion when I saw Sasha and Malia playing on stage with Joe Biden’s daughters --Dr. Martin Luther King Jr.’s dream materialized in those little girls. Black people just generations from slavery are alive to see a black president. For the first time in my life, I have faith in this country.
At 10:01 I heard the words “Barack Obama will be the 44th president of the United States of America.” I cried. I took pictures. Hell, I may just write a letter to my unborn children.
But although we voted for change, we still need to work toward it. There are so many strides to make. I would love to believe that black people can now change the words from “we shall overcome” to “we HAVE overcome.”
Unfortunately, we have not. I am so proud to be alive to see this day of change, to witness where this country has come. But I look forward to the progress to come. The next four years may be harder than the last 21 months. But I’m strapping my seatbelt and getting ready for the ride.
Throughout the last couple months I’ve always been that black person that has tried to look past the color of Barack Obama’s skin. Sure I loved him because he’s black. But I loved him even more because he was the right man for the job. Regardless of his ethnicity, I always felt like Obama was the better candidate—and I wanted every white person I talked to to know that.
But as Election Day came closer and closer I realized how much this election really was about race. My email was constantly being stuffed with chain mail begging black people to maintain appropriate etiquette on November 5th if Obama actually won. Although I chuckled at so many of the emails advising us not to bring chicken and watermelon to work, or give each other high fives on the street, or (worst case scenario) not show up to work at all, the humor was veiling the more important issue.
Now that Barack Obama has become the 44th president all eyes will be on black people. And while it is a huge victory, I fear that others will expect us to shut up. “You got the damn president, what else do you people want?”
Americans may forget that there’s still A LOT of work that needs to be done -- this became even more evident to me as I skimmed the facebook statuses of dear friends who happened to support McCain.
Danielle Cadet is a Danielle is a journalism student Northwestern University who likes to write about fashion and popular culture catastrophes.Permalink
Posted November 4, 2008
MUSIC NEWS
Looking For Front Row, Center Seats To Britney's 'Circus'
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Now, granted, Womanizer isn’t exactly Hit Me Baby or even Break the Ice (both of which, by the way, are toe-tappin’ fun for a girls’ night out), but it’s clearly charmed several people. It’s the #1 song on iTunes right now, although I have to wonder if that’s because it’s good? (I’m still undecided; the word “womanizer” repeated that many times annoys the shit out of me.) Or is it because people just really, really, really want Britney to go back to being a pop tart pre-head-shaving and Sam Lutfi-fucking.
Side note: those extensions are hot stuff. I like this look – a hotter Jessica Simpson with better music. I mean, now that Britney’s back, can Jessica just fade to black? Let’s admit it: the poor simpleton is a sad imitation of BritBrit, who was too busy going off the deep end to make the hits.
I mean, really: Sweet Kisses?
Ah, fuck that, Britney’s Baby One More Time and Oops, I Did It Again are lackluster in lyrical quality, but the killer hooks practically bury Simpson’s career. (That, and the subsequent movies that Jessica’s put out – even Crossroads got released in the theater, whereas Major Movie Star waits for its big straight-to-DVD release party). Indeed, it’s Britney, bitches! All the way.
I am PSYCHED about this album, and hope she’s serious about the comeback this time. I can’t handle any more of Jessica’s Proactive-shilling, Pizza Hut-eating, bad jeans designing ass.
Britney, for real, girl – don’t let me down.
Miz J, who works in advertising, has tons of opinions and a big mouth to broadcast them across the globe; however, the Internet saves her the trouble of yelling. Check out her blog at Miz J.Permalink
Posted November 4, 2008
HISTORY
A Black Man President? Change We Can Believe In
This, she said, was the gift of growing up biracial.
On this eve of history, when America appears poised to elect the first man of color as president, even if we can’t agree on taxes or global warming or international strategy, let us agree that the rise of Senator Barack Obama is a turning point in America’s race relations, when all things became possible to all men. (The women will have to wait.)
The excitement, and, of course, hope, that this candidate generates among people and in particular, African Americans, awakens potential for our entire nation. It is impossible to read about the joy and engagement that Obama’s candidacy has created among blacks in particular without getting goose bumps.
• To the New York Times, 20-year-old Bianca Williams says she returned to college after seeing Obama in the first debate. “I started thinking maybe I could help my community like he did. If he could do it then I could do it. It woke me up, careerwise. It just gave me the willpower to go on.”
• In Kenya, 22-year-old Ida Atieno tells the Associated Press, "Obama represents hope. I see myself gaining from an Obama victory because of the inspiration he gives me."
• In France, Kama Des-Gachons, a 28-year-old Frenchwoman whose parents came from Mali, says, “He makes me dream. I even bought a T-shirt with the American flag. America is the country where you can make it."
Barack Obama, a biracial man born to a Kenyan father and a white mother, is indeed America's ambassador to the world.
"With Obama, a certain idea of America is back: that of a generous society where equality of opportunity is not an empty promise,'' said an editorial in France's Le Figaro newspaper last summer. "Hope and change, key words of his campaign, reinforce this rediscovered ideal, which resonates as much inside the country as beyond."
And even if he achieves nothing as president -- an unlikely possibility from one so smart and tempered – Obama will have forever change how blacks see themselves, and how whites and blacks regard each other. And no matter what your politics, surely this is change you can believe in.
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Posted November 4, 2008
TELEVISION
Is This Déjà Vu? Or Is Larry Birkhead Really Pimping Out His Daughter Again?
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Birkhead won Anna Nicole Smith’s golden baby in the 2007 “Celebrity Maury” scandal and was lucky enough to be painted the underdog amidst a cartoonish cast of paternity possibilities. The conniving lawyer/lover/dealer Howard K. Stern, the giant token body guard, and Zsa Zsa Gabor’s big, wacky, yelling, German husband carried on like characters on a celeb-reality dating show before Birkhead ultimately claimed his prize.
Larry’s career as a paparazzo, shameless affection for Access Hollywood interviews, and carefully frosted tips should have all been warning signs.
The rest of the Anna Nicole circus has slowly shuffled back into the woodwork (read: trailer parks of America), but Birkhead has spent the last year and a half attempting to spin his accidental “baby daddy” image into that of an inspirational Danny Tanner story.
He’s finally ready to move out of the deceased Smith’s house to a “child-friendly” residence where he can live peacefully and thrust his unassuming daughter-cum-meal ticket into the spotlight like her mother.
If not likeable, I can at least say he’s persistent. When life gave Larry lemons, he made lemonade. So what if his ex-lover killed herself on a pill binge during an unfulfilling life in the spotlight? He gets another shot at fame with daughter Dannielynn.
Benjamin Bradshaw B. is a fashion merchandising student who blogs at CrabbyGoLightly.com on culture, ads, and corporate monsters. You can reach him at Myspace.com/taterzz.com.Permalink
Posted November 3, 2008
BUSINESS
Seth Rogan's New Flick Taps Into "Naked" Drive For Quick Cash
The “Knocked Up” actor revealed recently that he watches "tons of porn. The Internet speeds have evolved directly with my sexual drive."
Of course he’s not alone.
The 26-year-old is the prime demographic of the industry: the age at which we (And I say 'we' cause I'm in the biz) describe male porn actors as “average.” As opposed to “mature,” which is over 40.
Rogan’s doing publicity for a new Kevin Smith movie titled Zack and Miri Make a Porno, described as a romantic comedy with a lot of skin. Rogan said he accepted the gig "almost...purely based on the title."
It won’t be as raunchy as most of the stuff I’ve seen at work but I guess it’ll be more skin than a HBO serial. Or maybe not. HBO shows a hell of a lot of skin. And a lot of the kinky stuff I knew before working at the porn palace I learned from HBO. But I digress.
The movie’s premise – a down on their luck couple decide to make a porno for extra cash. Simple as that. But is it really that simple to make a porn flick? Ya know, I think it is. While there is a lot of slickly produced porn starring professionals such as Belladonna, Rocco Siffreddi and newcomers like sisters Ava and Mia Rose, there is also a huge amateur market. And who makes those amateurs films? People just like you. Well, like you but a lot more into sex.
You’d be amazed at the folks who are willing to take their clothes off for the camera and say “Ohhh, baby.” And distribute it. Never knowing really where it’s gonna end up. As in nudist clubs, these “actors” are all shapes, sizes and races. I’m not saying they make a lot of money. Some probably just enough to make another film. So you have to be a certain kind of person to commit to a amateur porn project.
There's this one guy, let’s call him the Asian gangster. Cause that’s what he looks like, ill-fitting pinstripe suits and all. But then, he’s a producer. He’s in jail now, on something totally unrelated, but every two weeks he hand-delivered his product to us. He doesn’t live very far away from the office. I think he walked because I never saw him get into a car. The amount he makes, if this is his only income, wouldn’t support a car anyway. He specializes in college porn. Young dudes and dudettes, barely past 18 (FYI, Hustler has a trademark on the phase “barely legal”) in what look like small dorm rooms with just enough room for a bed. The films are a bit grainy and a smidge cloudy but clearly porn.
One woman has enticed all of her girlfriends to make movies. They all have breasts -- so big they can sit with them plopped on a table like large, twin dinner plates.
Another woman lives in D.C., attends porn shows all over the world and goes by one name. She’s a gorgeous blond cougar who doesn’t seem to have a day job. All of her correspondence to us is on hotel stationary. She has one movie up on our site. She must have a “financier,” and that's a euphemism.
We had a co-worker who crowed day and night that he was in a gay porn that was coming out soon. He was good looking, great body, a little crazy but we kinda believed him. Well, he got fired. And then his movie came into our office. And we watched it, about seven of us, all huddled around one computer screen. He was a bit “stiff” but then it was his first movie. How awkward is it to see your former co-worker naked and having sex with a bunch of guys? VERY.
But it wasn’t awkward at all when he came to visit us at the neighborhood lounge one Friday night. We welcomed him home, then he beat everyone at Ms. Pac-Man. He’s a guy of many talents and seems poised for success.
Homegrown Video” crowned the granddaddy of amateur by Penthouse mag, has more than 700 movies in it’s amateur series. Real amateurs. People you probably won’t see again because they take their little bit of money and run. But there is always someone else to take their place, someone who can sidle up to you and say, 'Hey, I was in a porn movie.'
And don’t think I haven’t thought about doing it myself. We talk about it all the time at lunch. But then we look at each other and picture us naked and, nah, it just wouldn’t work.
SexyChattyCatty comments at CrabbyGolightly.com on TV, America's favorite snack food. Originally published September 10, 2008. Permalink
Posted October 30, 2008
POLITICS
Selling Political Wives' Short By Selling Perfection
Hillary Clinton has always received a good amount of attention for her perfunctory personal style, but the fashion police jumped the shark when they forced her to eschew the diamond ring Bill gave her to cut down on the bling, as though carat size presaged political platform.
There was also the harrumphing about the cost of the outfits that Cindy McCain and Laura Bush wore to the Republican National Convention. Mrs. McCain's allegedly cost $300,000! (Thanks largely to three-carat earrings estimated to be worth $280,000.) Joe the Plumber would have to unclog a whole lot of pipes to afford his wife a similar outfit. Mrs. Bush's ensemble was more modest, costing about $4,000, a tasteful sum considering the event.
Then there was the hue and cry over the $150,000 the RNC apparently spent morphing Sarah Palin from hockey mom into VP contender. But the brouhaha was muffled when Hillary Clinton's own stylist was quoted as saying that she was surprised any candidate would pay for designer clothing. She found it "strange" that Palin hadn't been gifted the clothing outright. That expectation was even more shocking to me than the GOP’s campaign clothing budget.
The amount these Republicans spent on clothing seemed to illustrate the differences between the two parties, the so-called haves and have-nots. But even Michelle Obama was not safe from having her style deconstructed, with some wondering aloud whether Oprah was behind her polished first-lady look. And the New York Times went so far as to suggest that Michelle had undergone the “Oprah-fication” of her public persona. All the talk just makes me wonder if Jackie O's style was really her own or something cultivated by a team of high paid stylists.
There is a crisis of vanity in America, and the women of the 2008 Presidential campaign have not escaped its (we suppose “Prada alligator”) clutches. These women on the political frontlines deserve to enjoy the experience that the travel to the White House brings, but not at the expense of their humanity. As our economy falters, America’s obsession over what a politician’s wife ought to look like sends the wrong message about beauty and financial pragmatism.
I too am guilty, as I found myself commenting aloud how Sarah Palin needed to wear her hair down. And my guilt was not assuaged when the next day I read that she'd been advised to do exactly that . Really, should the length and subtleness of Palin’s hair win votes?
It's sickened me when the GOP made such a stink about Palin's lack of retouching on her Newsweek cover . I don't want any of these women – Democrat or Republican -- to be "retouched." Who they really are as mothers, citizens, and females, is drastically more important to them, and to me.
Making the calculated decision to shape them into grandiose projections of perfection belies what this election is supposed to be all about: making changes we can believe in, and protecting our freedom to be you and me.
MzEll is a stay-at-home mom who writes, reads, knits, and tries to maintain sanity on a regular basis. You can read her blog at Cookiemonks.Permalink
Posted October 28, 2008
POLITICS
Minister Of Divine Vibrations? Speculating on Oprah's Future Role In The White House
Yesterday’s The Daily Beast suggests that Senator Obama create a post specifically for Miss Winfrey. Crabby suggests that it’s always media folk who have probably never watched an hour of Oprah (the one exception being when they appeared), and who have read more of her press releases than her show scripts, who make such suggestions. So, with a special warning to Michelle to keep Her Highness away from the family quarters (because she does not play second fiddle to anyone), Crabby has come up with several potential titles she could wear in the new administration:
Minister of Divine Vibrations -- Devotees of Oprah know that she is gifted with the power of special personal communication from on high. Along the way she has had the help of seers such as Marianne Williamson, Deepak Chopra, James Redfield, Iyanla Vanzant, Gary Zukav, Rhonda Byrne,Eckhart Tolle, Nate Berkus, Bob Greene, and Dr. Phil. As MDV she could be placed in charged of NASA, directing them to listen closely to those parts of heaven from which the latest messages are being signaled.
Chief Stimulant Spending Advisor -- As one of the economic machines that feeds America’s fevered consumerist appetite, let’s put the business titan in charge of advising Americans how they should spend any future stimulant checks. America is in desperate need of an influx of spending, and O could advocate for the purchase of the many luxurious items on her annual “Favorite Things” list. Opraphiles, eager to please and look wealthier beyond their means, will rush out and max out their credit cards to feed their inner hunger while getting the economy chugging again. I can hear Oprah now: CHAAARRRGGGEE IT!
Public Image Director -- This job usually falls to Machiavellian types like Karl Rove, David Axelrod, Lee Atwater, a group that Oprah would fit in nicely. All of them worked their magic as image makers to persuade the public that their man was the man for the job. But Oprah can teach these masters new tricks: she can introduce her ironclad confidentiality agreement to these political operatives, making sure that no insider ever authors a book to challenge the authorized word. Unless, of course, they start a snarky blog and poke good fun!
All of this talk flies out the window in the off-chance that Senator McCain -- who adamantly claimed yesterday that he was "going to win it," -- actually goes all the way. But even then Oprah will win, as she can say, "See? I told you! The Secret really works! Permalink
Posted October 27, 2008
TELEVISION
'Mad Men' Finale: Making Penance, And Predictions For Season Three
W
Action. Drama. Suspense. FINALLY.
After two seasons of Don running roughshod over his marriage vows (and earning the well-deserved slut title to boot), Betty gets angry when she learns she's pregnant. And all this time, we thought it'd be Joan, who ended up getting raped at work instead. I'm not going to stop bringing that up -- I need some closure there, and now I know I won't get it until next frickin season!
Anyway, being knocked up makes Betty peeved enough to go out and have a fling with a random guy at a bar. What's the deal with Betty? She's become deliciously evil this season -- from setting up her married riding partners to cheating on Don -- and I want to see more of it. Payback is coming for Don, whose tripping visit to Los Angeles has helped him find his true "Dickness," and now actually shows some remorse. But could 'Mad Men' even survive with a morally striving "Don?" Doubt it.
And thanks to the no-commercial-interruption thing, I had NO TIME to get a drink, lest I miss something important, like, oh, I don't know -- PEGGY TELLING PETE ABOUT THAT BABY OF HIS. The baby that's barely been mentioned all season, even though it'ss like two years old and during the first season, Peggy's weight gain and subsequent absence from work made her condition totally obvious, even to a Drunk-O-Saurus Rex like me. Waiting for this moment was like having an itch in the middle of your back for EIGHTEEN MONTHS and finally getting someone to give you a little scratch, but not enough to full-on fix it. Damn you, Mad Men! I want answers (and one of those backscratcher things like my grandma has).
So, since we won't be getting any answers until next summer sometime and everyone's going to rehash this episode looking for insights into next season, I went ahead, stirred up a tall, refreshing screwdriver, and made a few predictions to tide us all over.
1. Don takes McCann up on their job offer from the first season. Despite their harsh treatment of Betty, Don decides to cash in at SC and then take himself over to McCann and shut SC down. Or, better yet, take their entire creative workforce with him to the other side of the illustrious Madison Ave.
2. Joan will try to recapture her temporary position in the TV department to her husband's dismay. He's the controlling type, so I bet that this splits them up (or at least I hope -- Ms. Holloway should not meet a tragic ending such as marriage to a date rapey type. Not her style.)
3. Betty, just to stir shit up, will tell Don about the affair. Or, better yet, her girlfriends from the neighborhood, who'll tell their husbands, who'll tell Don. Because news is always better when it's third-hand and mangled into total inaccuracy. Hilarity will ensue?
4. Trudy and Pete will "accidentally" adopt Peggy's son. Tell me you didn't think that when he said, "Why would you tell me that?" You did so! And so did I! Because I was sober enough to pick up the hint!
5. I will discover a much more potent blend of Long Island Iced Tea, start to review the first episode of the third season, and get it all jumbled.
6. Prediction #5 will be the only one that actually happens.
In light of that, I gotta say goodnight so I can go add vodka to the shopping list. Til next season!
Miz J, who works in advertising, has tons of opinions and a big mouth to broadcast them across the globe; however, the Internet saves her the trouble of yelling. Check out her blog at Miz J.Permalink
Posted October 27, 2008
GOSSIP
Guy's Stiff Upper Lip? Now Curled Into A Smile
We will not parse every word, every rumor, but we do feel that in this instance the pixs are revealing.
Thus, if you are anything like us and revel in making snap diagnoses based on information gleaned in nanoseconds, here are two photos for your insta-nalysis.
So, can we deduce Guy's happy with the new arrangement? Here's a quick thought: Anybody see recent photos of the kiddies?
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Posted October 23, 2008
ADVERTISING
T
Instead of building fantastical homes for TV wannabees, he now pitches – get this -- baby formula, specifically Similac’s SimplePac.
Ty Pennington’s got milk! Yet while I’ll give you that dads feed babies, too, Ty Pennington has no children. So do we really need a “design expert” to revamp a can of formula?
In a word, no. The tone of both the video and print ads, as seen in Parents magazine for the Similac SimplePac is condescending. We’re supposed to believe that a childless man is surrounded by mothers bested by canned formula? Thus far in my experience, it’s pretty easy to measure out two spoonfuls of dried powder with a premeasured plastic cup. Or is Ty so good at getting the job done on deadline that he has tips on mixing up formula fast before an infant wails?
The ad’s funniest image is when the mothers-cum-groupies crowd Ty as he explains the stay-put scoop. The so-called mothers appearing in the spots seem dimwitted with their faux “a-ha” moments over snapping lids and firm grips. Honestly, Similac, could you have made motherhood seem more mundane and ridiculous?
Pennington actually does have a design degree, and worked as a carpenter before his stints on Trading Spaces and Extreme Home Makeover. But that doesn’t give him street cred to revolutionize baby formula bottles, and last I checked, baby formula seem an unlikely product to sell with sex appeal.
Ironically, the bottles that first popped into my head when seeing Pennington in these spots were those that led to his arrest last year for DUI. I know Ty's apologized sincerely and has paid his dues, but the ads are evidence of Similac’s opaque condescension toward women.
MzEll is a stay-at-home mom who writes, reads, knits, and tries to maintain sanity on a regular basis. You can read her blog at Cookiemonks.
Posted October 22, 2008
POLITICS
Rewriting History: If McCain Chose Judge Judy for V.P.
A
No joking! She’s an experienced jurist, is whip-smart, and has a great New York accent that could help "balance the ticket." Her "tough broad persona" is no joke, and people like her anyway!
What else could a president want in a glass-ceiling-busting partner? Can you imagine Judge Judy in a debate with Joe Biden? He’d be toast. Judy wouldn’t need no stinking talking points cue cards, either. You think she doesn’t know the issues? You're crazy! And as she'll tell you in a minute, she didn’t get where she is because she’s cute.
She cows nor bows to no one. Judge Judy would not allow herself to be fed "code" words, would not be “intimidated” into incoherence by Katie Couric. And she’s no Kool-Aid drinker for partisans. A recent article in The Guardian quoted her as a friend of McCain -- whom she calls a "a real meat-and-potatoes guy" -- but nevertheless says she likes Obama.
Diplomatic! Smart! I have never heard Palin say one nice thing about Obama, ever.
John McCain, I’m sorry you’ve tried for the presidency so many times and failed. This could’ve been your year! If only you had chosen the right running mate. Judge Judy for VP!
SexyChattyCatty periodically comments at CrabbyGolightly.com on TV, America's favorite snack food.Permalink
Posted October 21, 2008
NEWS
Convicting Britney Would Be The Real Scandal
S
Folks, there are SO MANY other, better reasons to charge Britney Spears than with driving on an out-of-state driver’s license. Her fashion sense alone could get a mere mortal like you or I at least a year of constant ridicule, followed by six-months of probationary sideward glances from the public at-large.
But on Monday, a jury was still deliberating over whether -- because she did not have a California drivers’ license -- Spears would face a thousand-dollar fine and six months in jail due to her little fender-bender last year when she…ya know, wasn’t herself.
Jurors sent a note out to the judge early Monday saying that are unable to reach a unanimous verdict. Judge James Steele sent them back to work, saying, “I'm going to ask you to make another attempt to resolve whatever differences you have."
Look, I’m glad to see her getting her act together, both literally and figuratively speaking. I think it’s a big step in the right direction. But I also think that a lot of people are still skeptical, and refuse to give her even an inch. And isn’t that how this whole head-shaving mess started in the first place?
Miz J, who works in advertising, has tons of opinions and a big mouth to broadcast them across the globe; however, the Internet saves her the trouble of yelling. Check out her blog at Miz J.Permalink
Posted October 20, 2008
TELEVISION
'Mad Men' Minutes: Frenemies Abound
W
For starters, sweet little Sally Draper is trying her hand at smoking. Caught between puffs in the tiny bathroom by Betty, Sally drops the cigarette in the sink and delivers my own familiar standby, “I wasn’t smoking.” Next week, she’ll graduate to, “I was just holding it for a friend.” Heh. Incensed, Betty yells at her, “You could have burned the house down!” Which, you know, TRUE, but also, she can get cancer from those things. But I suppose that little nugget of truth is still about twenty or so years away from discovery.
Anyway, so Sally’s rebelling, and Betty’s reeling, wondering what’s going to happen next, but prolonging this purgatorial stint before the shit really hits the fan. Seems like there’s a lot of that going around.
Cooper, Sterling and Cooper’s relatives are trying to decide whether or not to sell the agency to Putnam, Powell & Lowe – and of course, it’s a tough decision: sell out for all that money or keep going as is and stay in charge of everything. I’ll bet you’ll never guess what they choose.
We see Don get off a bus in California and knock on the door of the ACTUAL Mrs. Draper. Remember, last season, we saw how Don Draper came to be Don Draper. Don’t forget that he’s actually Dick Whitman, and his sergeant, Don Draper, was killed in combat. Don/Dick stepped in as Don in order to make a new life for himself and escape his family. After the war, Don got a job at a car dealership (where Ann Draper ran into him and accused him of not being Don Draper), and now he and Ann have actually become very close. Turns out Don and Ann are like family, and pretend to be when Don introduces Ann to Betty. Hmm. Well played, Don/Dick.
So Don is spilling his guts (well, in a Don Draper sort of way) to Ann about his marriage and how he’s fucked everything up. The look on Ann’s face basically says, “Yeah, you did. Nice job.” Is it me, or does it seem like Dick Whitman just wants to keep destroying his life again and again so he can start over? Or is he just plain self-destructive?
Meanwhile, back at Sterling Cooper, Trudy has snuck in an appointment with an adoption agency, and Pete hits the roof when his secretary tells him. He goes home and they fight about it, with Pete being the usual drama queen and trying to illustrate his point by pretending to jump out the window. This guy is a one-man douche-a-rama, I tell you what. I am constantly amazed by what the women on this show deem acceptable behavior from men, and can see why Peggy is more interested in getting her name on the door at work. Which brings me to more interesting news: Peggy scores Rummy’s office.
This brassy, brazen bitch walked right up to Sterling and said she wanted the office, and that she was bringing in business and felt she deserved it. I was totally cheering for her, even if Roger was condescending: “You women today are so aggressive. It’s cute.” PUKE, but hey, it did the trick. Go Peggy!
Cut to a scene of Joan and Greg in bed. It’s time to get amorous, but Greg is tired, so Joan offers to, as she says, “drive.” Greg gets all suspicious and Joan’s like, “Come on. There was no before,” so she must have told him she was a virgin -- a lie that's so unbelievably fantastic. So what’s going on? Is she this desperate to settle down? I never thought I’d see the day where Joan would be so…so…insecure. But, as the ad men say, wait! There’s more!
It turns out Greg is not the All-American, perfect hero we expect. Joan brings him around for a visit, and they slip into Don’s office for a nip, where Greg proceeds to rape Joan on the floor! Then, they get up and go…to…dinner. Um.
This shit is getting WEIRD, cats.
Were you wondering what’s going on with Betty? Especially after last week’s revelation with Glen’s mom that she’s the head of the household? Well, I’ll have you know that Betty is RUNNIN’ THANGS. You’ll notice a marked difference in her from the start – much more aggressive, although still insecure. She’s also become sneaky, as evidenced by her phone call to Sara Beth, her riding partner. As you might have suspected, Sara Beth hooked up with that young guy they ride with after Betty flaked out on that country club lunch. Sara Beth tells Betty this, and a peeved Betty tells her that she shouldn’t have done that. Sara Beth accuses Betty of wanting that ride herself and Betty doesn’t deny it. But says that there’s a difference between wanting and having and Sara Beth should have understood that. True, but part of me wonders just how devious Betty really is…brrr. With friends like that, you really don’t need enemies.
Speaking of frenemies, Peggy moves into Rummy’s office and Joan is typing quietly just outside the doorway. The two stop to chat, and Peggy wonders aloud about Don. Joan’s kind of meh about the Don situation (I mean, with him gone, there’s probably not a lot to do, which…sweet!). Peggy compliments her on Greg, who’s dreamy. You know, aside from that whole date-rapey thing. Enter Kinsey, who’s fresh from a dangerous race protest down South. Sheila dumped him, which isn’t really a surprise. He probably babbled about how everyone’s the same, and she thought it best to distance herself from the kind of concentrated rage that those kinds of oversimplified statements create. Wise lady, that Sheila. Wanna bet that he and Joan get back together?
Back to Betty: she and Sally begin to talk. Betty says she realizes she’s been unfair to her and that it’s time to talk to her like a big girl. So she lays it out: Dad and I had a fight, he’s gone away for a while. Just know that everything’s going to be okay. Sally seems happy with this explanation. Hopefully, she’ll quit smoking. I can’t bear the sight of an eight-year-old smoking. I have a mouth like a sailor and I love a you’re-going-to-hell kind of joke, but damn. Even I have limits, people.
Lastly, as Peggy enjoys her new office view with a shot of J&B left over in Rummy’s stash, Pete drops by to chat. He’s been doing that a lot lately. I think he misses Peggy a little bit. Aww. You sweet little douchebag.
He tells her about how Clearasil is pulling out of Sterling Cooper (although he fails to really mention the details behind it – that his father-in-law is upset that he won’t help Trudy adopt), and she asks about the LA trip Pete took with Don. He tells her that Don just disappeared, but he didn’t call the police because he’s done this sort of thing before. Peggy is left wondering where her dashing mentor might be, and we then see Chisel Cheeks standing hip deep in the ocean, daring it to take him away.
Pssh. Coward. I need another drink.
Miz J, who works in advertising, has tons of opinions and a big mouth to broadcast them across the globe; however, the Internet saves her the trouble of yelling. Check out her blog at Miz JPermalink
Posted October 20, 2008
HEADLINES
Madonna And Her Immaterial Guy
I thought Guy was a good match. The fake British accent Madge affected after marrying Ritchie and moving to London was ridiculous, but at least she seemed finally stable for her kids. Now that charade seems just another chapter in her book -- or should I say documentary, as she is ever so fond of videotaping herself.
I was never a great fan of her Madg-etsy, though I respected her music and self-invention. This time, though, trading her three children’s near-normalcy makes me ill.
At 50, Madonna is really just too old for this current stunt. I'm not sure we care to see her newest metamorphosis if it means sloughing off responsibility for her children. As the chameleon changes colors yet again, it’s her children who have to adjust to the background. Perhaps Madonna doesn’t know herself at the core; more likely, she doesn’t have a core.
When the news of Alex and Cynthia Rodriguez divorce came out, I took the media's bait that Cynthia was to blame. Now the news is reporting that none of the tales about Cynthia were true, and that Madonna and A-Rod are, in fact, a duo.
I wonder how many innings A-Rod has left before he strikes out at this game.
Permalink
Posted October 17, 2008
HEADLINES
Divine Intervention In The Campaign, and Other News Ephemera
Proving that these two men are the best the nation has to offer, Barack Obama and John McCain traded comedic riffs at the 63rd annual Alfred E. Smith Memorial Foundation Dinner, a New York charity that benefits deprived children. The candidates poked fun at themselves and each other while helping to raise $4 million dollars.
McCain joked of Joe The Plumber, "What they don't know is that Joe the Plumber recently signed a very lucrative contract with a wealthy couple to handle all the work on all seven of their houses," in a reference to he and Cindy McCain. And Obama mocked himself when he said, "Could somebody tell me what happened to the Greek columns that I requested?"
The competitors praised each other, with McCain complimenting Obama for his "great skill, energy, and determination, and Obama thanking McCain for the "honor and distinction" with