PUBLICITY
Brother, Can You Spare A Camera Crew? "Jen-gelina" Inspires International Mission
recently was flipping through a stack of People mags at my dentist's office, the only pleasure I derive from that annual appointment other than the secret hope for nitrous oxide.
I picked up the issue with Jennifer Hudson’s heartbreaking family tragedy on the cover. In the upper right-hand corner there is a smiling Mother Theresa surrounded by Afghani refugee children. Hmm, that’s funny, I remember Mother Theresa looking a lot older and leathered.
I look closer.
Ooh, silly me, that’s not Mother Theresa --- it’s Angelina Jolie!
“EXCLUSIVE PHOTOS!” Shouts the headline.
“Angelina: Her Secret War Zone Visit.”
Everyone’s most beloved and photographed Goodwill Ambassador is back!
It’s a good thing that someone had the good sense to bring cameras along on this secret mission; otherwise no one would see exclusive photos of St. Angelina that People miraculously managed to obtain. (Brad, are you selling snaps again?)
I admit: I am impressed. There’s an extremely flattering photo of Angelina smiling with three radiantly needy refugee children. The caption reads: “Admiring the ‘courage’ and ‘resilience’ of the returnees.”
Might I add that I admire Angelina’s choice of minimal make-up for the shoot? A very nice, subtle, smoke-around-the-eyes look that doesn’t seem obviously made-up, which helps to stress the seriousness of the situation.
The next two photos are of a burdened “Angel”-ina gently touching the arm of a boy suffering from malaria; the boy is covered in flies.
Read the complete post here!
Since 1986, Natalie Melendez has been a work-in-progress. She currently resides in an undisclosed mountainous California location, where she spends most of her time studying, writing and roasting chestnuts by the fire. You can reach her at natalieismyname@gmail.com
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Posted November 21, 2008
POP CULTURE
Brangelina's Most Welcome "Controversy"
IF THERE WAS A CARD FOR LA LECHE LEAGUE MEMBERS, I WOULD TOTE IT. So it should come as no surprise that I am awestruck by the beauty of W magazine’s cover of Angelina Jolie nursing one of her twins.
In the picture, said to be taken by Brad Pitt himself, Angelina has one side of her night gown pulled down as though an infant is suckling just out of sight.
This latest publicity campaign is a continuation of Angelina’s boobie bravado, first seen when she revealed her nursing bra under a tank top in a photo with a wee Shiloh in People.
For me, though, this latest photo is salve to the provocative photographs that W published in 2005 of Brad and Angelina. Posing as a large and lustful family, the pictures came out when “Brangelina” was still a new – and unwelcome -- public concept. The latest snaps of Angelina as the actual mother to Brad’s children comes off as a satisfied “I told you so” to the people who doubted their relationship in the beginning.
I also find it daring of the Jolie-Pitts, since breastfeeding seems perpetually controversial. While Angelina looks like the Madonna herself on her newest cover, Jamie Lynn Spear’s stolen breastfeeding pictures are considered pornography because she’s a minor. What is wrong with Americans’ view of women when Hollywood careers are built by women baring breasts, but a young mother can’t safely be photographed feeding her infant? As a spokesperson for La Leche League told the AP, there’s more skin shown on the red carpet than on Ang's W cover, as well as by ordinary mothers when breastfeeding .
Will Angelina and Jamie Lynn help boost the breastfeeding cause? Already, nursing is reaching record numbers in the United States. That number would go higher if PETA had its way; the animal rights group recently suggested that mothers “donate” their breast milk to Ben and Jerry’s for ice cream.
So now we have the dueling messages that it’s pornographic for a 16-year-old to be photographed nursing her baby -- but that the succor that supports life also makes great shakes? PETA’s psychosis only further feeds the misunderstanding of women’s bodies in our country.
Breasts are made to feed babies. Whether flashed on the red carpet, used as weapons of exaggerated activism, or to nurse the newborns of unwed startlets, that is their one, true purpose. The peace in Angelina’s W magazine cover attests to that.
MzEll is a stay-at-home mom who writes, reads, knits, and tries to maintain sanity on a regular basis. You can read her blog at Cookiemonks.Permalink
Posted October 14, 2008
PUBLICITY
I'm Off The Fence: Count Me On 'Team Aniston'
WE UNDERSTAND THAT SOMETIMES A MAN, OR A WOMAN, FALLS OUT OF LOVE WITH THEIR SPOUSE, MEETS ANOTHER WHOM THEY FEEL IS THEIR 'SOULMATE,' AND DECIDES TO DUMP THE FIRST BRIDE AND GET ON WITH THEIR LIVES.
At first, Crabby fell into the camp that thought Brad Pitt wasn't wrong to jettison his "best friend" Jennifer Aniston in exchange for dark angel Angelina Jolie, rumored to have teased Brad mercilessly on the set of "Mr. and Mrs. Smith." He took his time deciding whether to ditch the wife, with BFF Courtney Cox and hubby David Arquette admitting that Pitt resisted the temptation as long as he could.
But it's been more than three years since Pitt called it quits then hooked up with the ho Angelina Jolie. And Crabby is using the word figuratively not literally. But am I the only one who thinks that these two narciccus are out of control? Collecting babies like they're puppies? Cavorting around the world with children in tow? Selling baby pictures for $14 million? Posing for dollars in the current People magazine? Does the word "over-exposed" mean anything to these two? Does the word 'decorum' hold any meaning for this gypsy woman? Or is the world one big mirror through which they can arouse themselves?
I've got to lay most of the blame at the feet of Ang. Brad, for god sake's, has proposed to nearly every single woman he's ever dated, among them Juliette Lewis and Gwynneth Paltrow. Does the phrase P-whipped ring a bell?
We are thrilled, overjoyed, orgasmic (cause isn't that how they want us to be?) that the world now has improved DNA through the blessed births of Shiloh, Vivienne and Knox. Now, Brad, Angelina, go away, will you? Please?
And a special aside to Jennifer: forget the ring, get on John Mayer's stick and cook up a baby. Mayer's a tall cutie and you can make a beautiful baby. And when the Jolie-Pitt kids start getting arrested for driving drunk at 14, you'll thank your lucky stars that God blessed you with normalcy. Permalink
Posted August 4, 2008
BRANGELINA
Report: St. Angelina's New Babes Delivered By Divine Medical Intervention
ND SO NOW WE KNOW, OR THINK WE KNOW, OR MIGHT KNOW, OR -- OH, WHO CARES? -- SOMEONE IS SAYING OFF-THE-RECORD THAT new celebrity angels Vivienne Marcheline and Knox Leon Jolie-Pitt are the miraculous result of an Immaculate Conception.
According to that celeb bible US Weekly, the Brang brand was in such a hurry to propogate their genes that they skipped the old fashion method, (but we presume pretended a lot?), and instead went for the twofer plan at the invitro clinic, which wags call an expensive procedure. Surely they're jesting? Expensive to lowly scribes, perhaps, but to Brad and Ang, the estimated $12,000 amounts to a carelessly-left tip.
Says the alleged "well-placed source," Angelina "chose the procedure so she wouldn't have to deal with the stress of trying to get pregnant. She could just knock it out."
Viv and Knox were born July 12 in a hospital in Nice, France shortly after 6 p.m. The Jewish obstetrician delivered word to his people through the JTA, the Global News Service of the Jewish People, that Angelina was "so, so nice and never complained about anything. There are negative things sometimes written about her on the Internet, but don't believe them.” (To which Crabby wonders: Who'd be mean to the doctor seeing your crowning waxed lips up close?)
Although the shortcut to twins sounds creepy, who could blame Ang? With her soon approaching her woman's sexual peak, she might have another seven years of youthful beauty left before she's reduced to vetting offers for movies like "Momma Mia!" . (And that is not an insult; Crabby adores Meryl Streep, who as far as she can remember never once shuffled her children in front of paparazzi to sell a movie.)
Why bother, if you're a celebrity, worrying about procreation cutting into potentially profitable years? Who wants to carry the extra weight around? By conceiving in a petri dish, Ang saves herself a full year of profits, which are estimated by Forbes to about $14 million annually. Well worth the investment of a $12,000 lab procedure, don't cha think?
And since we brought up paps, daddy Pitt is threatening to sue anyone who publishes photos of his children snapped frolicking at his rented French estate with a long-eyed lens. Brad must be seething that anyone but he and Ang could make money off photos of their children. Oh, how self-centered these celebrities are! They want their cake and to eat it too. And they can!
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Posted July 25, 2008
BRANGELINA
Here's a Question For You, Ang: How Many Zaharas Could You Buy For $3,590?
IF YOU LOOK VERY CLOSELY, PROBABLY SO CLOSE THAT YOU MIGHT actually pretend for a moment that you are living in Whoville, you will notice that St. Angelina actually has two mouths in the above photograph.
There's the obvious one from which the devoted do-gooder routinely spouts wise words such as "I had no idea what a difficult life was. It was as if someone slapped me across the face and said, 'Oh, my God, you silly young woman from California, do you have any idea how difficult the world really is for so many people?'"
Then there is the other mouth: the broad, painted, pouty one that reigns in the real Whoville -- Celebritydom -- where Ang routinely sashays in front of the camera with children and Valentino bags as accessories.
From this mouth you can see Angelina's lipped confession: Both child and purse are props. Because in a culture suffering from celebrity OCD, Angelina is both beneficiary and benefactor. After all, these are the rules of the game. She did not make them up.
Hence we have a halo-wearing Angelina frolicking through New York carrying a $1,795 bag on her arm along with beautiful adopted daughter Zahara, equipped with a mini version of the same bag made especially for her. That totals $3,590, a sum which would have allowed Zahara's Ethiopian mother to keep her.
And so it goes. Like a snake eating its tail, La La Land symbolizes the eternal circle of celebrity feeding off itself.
This is how it works: Starlet A becomes a "STAR!" Henceforth, gets free things, wears them in front of paps. All the little people then salivate (I've got to have that bag!). Then "THE STAR!" pretends to do good by giving lip service to anti-poverty crusades. The designers are happy because their criminally overpriced bags are selling. The little people are happy because they can buy the knock-off and pretend they're celebrities. The STAR then pats herself on the back because 1) SHE has arrived! 2) She gets free stuff and 3) Humanity has benefited because of her faux "spiritual" largesse.
Crabby admits: These are not original thoughts. 
So at this point she urges you to visit BagBunch.com, where editors-cum-wolves selling shearling purses and other bags have produced one of the most pointed pieces of commentary on the web. Check out all the A-listers carrying bags that cost more than what third-world residents can earn in two or three years.
The title? The Human Cost of ‘Poverty Fighting’ Celebrities Burning $600,000+ on Handbags! Or, put another way, as one editor did, "Help 11 Villages Out of Poverty or Buy a Handbag? F**k it I'll Take the Handbag Yet Still Spout about Fighting Poverty."
Check it out. It'll be worth your time! And, I swear, no free bags traded hands for this entry! Because Crabby is not a celebrity, is not pretty, and can do no one any good.Permalink
Posted June 30, 2008
PUBLICITY
A Kiss 'Au Revoir,' Brangelina
NOT PRIVY TO THE INNER SANCTUM KNOWN AS BRANGELINA, I can only guess that the song on perpetual loop in their half dozen homes dotting the globe is, "We Are The Word." At the very least I am sure the song repeats constantly inside their self-absorbed minds. Listen closely and you can hear:
"We are the World, we are the children.
We are the ones who make a brighter day so let's start giving.
There's a choice we're making.
We're saving our own lives.
It's true, we'll make a better day, just you and me."
This insight comes to mind as news outlets report that the expecting Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt have, "after months of house-hunting...have bought a chateau in the south of France and plan to make it their family home."
Wait a minute, wasn't it just a few months ago that world's most noble citizens had enrolled their eldest Maddox in a French school in New York? The poor boy lasted a month before he was pulled out and shipped back to La La Land. And wasn't it just shortly before that when the couple bought a $3.5 million French Quarter mansion and told US magazine, "We love it there. The kids are going to go to school there. We're really looking forward to it.”
And, of course, all this happened in between and around trips to Chicago and Alberta, Canada and Prague. And let's not forget Vietnam, where they visited to pick out a puppy, I mean third adopted child. Isn't that cute? They even changed the boy's name, redubbing him Pax! And let's not forget the world's awaiting of the couple's biological daughter "Shiloh," meaning "messiah." Angelina rented herself an entire Namibian resort so she could give birth far from the prying lenses of paparazzi, thus enabling her to sell the first photo of the blessed child for a reported $4 million. That's one savvy missionary for you. These poor kids are so jostled around, but you can't feel bad for Maddox, Zahara, Shiloh and Pax. Because I can just hear their cute little voices singing in harmony, "We are the world, we are the children..."
Does the word "overexposed" mean anything? All of this to say, bon voyage, Brangelina. Here's hoping that your kids really find out what home means in France. Permalink
Posted February 28, 2008
PUBLICITY
Awww, isn't Brad Mr. Nice Guy? (Except when he's dumping his wife and playing sociopaths)
That God's gift to the camera Brad Pitt has been spotted frolicking in public all over the globe during the last three weeks. He's visited New Orleans to promote his "green" project, touted solar and other non-electrical power on NBC's Today Show; appeared at Chicago's Field Museum with some stick figure and a few wee ones in tow; went carriage-riding in Central Park with Zahara; then a baseball game with 'Mad' I, first adopted son Maddox, and 'Mad II,' otherwise known as Mr. Spike Lee, filmmaker.
I should be grateful to see the snaps of Your Handsome. But for some reason I'm getting cranky. Hmmm, let me thing about this for a minute. Is there a reason Mr. Brad wants us all to think of him as Mr. Nice Guy? Could it be because he wants us all to run out and see his new movie "The Assassination of Jesse James by the Coward Robert Ford."? I'm sure Braddie Boy hopes that his good deeds land a bigger box office than Saint Angelina's did with her performance in "A Mighty Heart." Try as the media did to get viewers out to pay homage to one of their own, the movie grossed $4 million in its opening weekend. And nary a nasty word from the media big boys. It pays to be pretty and well connected and to earn those boys money when they post your picture!
On another entirely different note, seems Senator Larry Craig (and not the Larry alleged to have done nasty deeds with former media pariah of the moment, Howard Stern of
Anna Nicole fame) is rumored to be considering fighting the allegation that he solicited an undercover cop for sex in a Minnesota airport. Yes, yes, yes. I want to see this
happen: His career is over no matter what. But just think of what he'll do to quash such arrests in the future. I want to hear testimony from the "experts" that playing footsie
and waving underneath a toilet stall is indisputable evidence of solicitation for sex. I want this example of lawlessness to go to a jury trial, and I want to hear some jury
foreman say, "Yes, a wave underneath the john is evidence of a crime." I think Mr. Craig might be on to something as he solicits opinion by releasing his trial balloon on an
abrupt change of hear to quit the Senate. Do us all a favor, Senator, will you? Now that you're out of the closet, or at least out of the stall, please follow Arlen Spector's
advice. (God love this Republican. And why is he a Republican? Doesn't he know there is no such thing any longer as a moderate Republican?" )Permalink
Posted September 5, 2007
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