Crabby Archives
Stat! Somebody get Julia Roberts on the Phone!
Anybody with the private number to Julia Roberts is urged to pick up the phone and get her to La La Land in a hurry: Britney is in need of some loving.
The pap's magnification of Britney's human frailties is reaching an all-time high. Now they've got her pinned to the wall with a photo allegedly texting while driving through a red light. Now don't go thinking I'm an apologist for poor little Brit. What I am is a scold to the sleaze media who are unthinkingly ruining at least three people's lives: Brit's and babies' Sean and Jayden.
Can't wait to hear what the court monitor has to say about this one. No, she is not crouching in the front seat of Brit's Benz in fear of Brit's driving: she looks rather to be hiding her face from the cameras. Will she give Los Angeles Superior Court Commissioner Scott Gordon a first-person account of what it is like to be stalked by the media? I hope so. And for the claims that Fed-Ex deserves the Father of the Year Award, let me pose this question: why, then, when TMZ.com et. al. write about his fatherly virtues they never actually have any PICTURES of Mr. Federline with his children in his arms? All I've ever seen is Nanny, Security Guard and Grandma. But when the two wee ones are with Brit, she is the one who is holding them.
I appreciate it when I hear that celebs like George Clooney and Julia Roberts are feeling Brit's pain. Too bad that Brit doesn't have the breeding cred that the two A-listers have. Hollywood's leading lady Roberts is quoted in December's Vanity Fair as saying she wants to park Brit in her guest house and show her the ropes. Here's my plea that Brit actually takes her up on the offer.
Posted November 12, 2007
Dishing up Fury: Who Holds the Patent on Mac 'n Cheese and Cauliflower?
In this kitchen corner is Jessica Seinfeld, wife of mega millionaire funnyman Jerry Seinfeld, author of "Deceptively Delicious," and a woman with expensive taste in shoes. (Jessica's no slouch in kissing up, and we do mean UP!, as she ditched her first wealthy husband Eric Nederlander weeks into the marriage after meeting Jerry at a health spa, and then showered Talk Show Prophet (oops, did we mean profit?) Oprah Winfrey with 21 pairs of the world's most expensive footwear, Christian Louboutins, after appearing on O's show to tout her book. )
In that corner of the kitchen is Missy Chase Lapine, author of "The Speaky Chef," former publisher of Eating Well magazine and the founder of a natural baby bath line BabySpa. Note two things we can't tell you about Missy in an instant: we don't know who her husband is, but surely he isn't worth the hundreds of millions that Jerry is. Nor do we know what type of shoes she wears.
We CAN comment on the faux brouhaha that has erupted like an overcooked soufflŽ: Who stole who's BRILLIANT idea to come up with sneaking veggies in carbs to serve those picky two-foot-high tyrants called children? My response: Duh, who cares? I doubt there's a parent who's walked the Earth who hasn't tried to hide broccoli florets in macaroni and cheese, or peas in tomato soup. Neverthless, we have a marketing scheme whipped up somewhere: a concocted fury over the alleged plagiarism of some cockamamee kids' recipes.
Seriously, folks, (and you Jerry), let's all stop fingering the 'other person' as the 'wackoo' and recognize an unimportant morsel of a story when we see one. All we really need to understand is that Jessica had better connections so that is why her book got more of a push in the public marketplace. Jessica, it turns out, is a better pucker-upper. That's how this world works, right? Now let's all turn our attention to turning all this hot air into a substitute for oil, and not the cooking kind.
Posted Novemeber 2, 2007
Chris Crocker: "Crazy" Like A Fox. Not That There's Anything Wrong With That
PARDON THE PUN, but in this incredibly shrinking world Chris Crocker has become a flaming star. If you are reading this in all likelihood you know who Chris Crocker is: defender of the "fat" Britney; promoter of "edutainment,"; self-appointed new philosopher for the YouTube generation.
Chris Crocker gained instant notoriety this week when he posted an impassioned plea on YouTube to "Leave Britney Alone!" As of 6:56 a.m. Thursday morning, the video had been viewed 3,537,314 times since it was posted two days earlier. Not bad for a 19-year-old who declares obliguely on his YouTube profile that "The game is positivity. I believe the best way to to educate and spread positivity is through entertainment, which translates to edutainment. Which just so happens to be my speciality."
The last part is crystal clear: Since signing on to YouTube last February, "Chris Crocker" has posted 66 videos which, in their totality, have been viewed a whopping 20,173,938 times as of 6:36 a.m. September 13. Not bad reach for kid who made his debut just six months ago. Quick, someone sign this talent to MTV! Producers could then help him buff the chasm between his two self-proclaimed personas, one being "The New Christ," the other being "The Queen of Ghetto." (Or perhaps Chris knows something about Jesus Christ that I haven't heard before? Or maybe he's referring to Jesus' love of the downtrodden?)
The now-dead media savant Marshall McLuhan declared famously of TV that "the medium is the message." If he were alive, I wonder what he would say about the Internet. McLuhan's insight about TV's power has now become a truism about the web too. Once we dreamed about traveling the world in 80 days; 80 seconds is all it takes on YouTube. I imagine it's only weeks if not days before new media company is producing a "Best Of Chris Crocker CD," to be available soon afterwards through NetFlix.
In one of his earlier videos, Chris gives a tantalizing lecture on the meaning of "normal," in which he scorns conformity. "I'd rather be called crazy,'' he says. "In this day and age, crazy is a compliment. ... Normal is like calling me a cunt. Don't call me that. If you call me normal, I'm gonna knock-ya, sock-ya. But if you call me crazy, I'm going to say, "You're sweet."
Chris, you're crazy, and I mean it in the nicest way possible.
Posted September 13, 2007
Britney Spears: A Lesson in Classism and the Media
EVERYONE'S GETTING a cheap laugh at the expense of Britney Spears' umpteenth so-called comeback, this one at the VMA Music Awards over the weekend where she lip-synched her latest single "Gimme More." A lot of critics and bloggers denigrate the falling starlet for looking fat and slow and self-conscious. Compared to who? I challenge every journalist and blogger who wrote about Britney being fat: post a picture of yourself in a bikini next to Brit's and see who gets the "fat" award. I dare you. Come on, you sharks won't be happy until the young girl's slit her wrists.
The media has taken to reporting on Britney like she's some traffic wreck. Here's what she really is: a young girl barely in her 20s with too much money, two beautiful toddlers, a pretty hanger-on of an exhusband; and a stage mother who sent her off to wear Mickey Mouse ears when she was barely in her teens. No wonder she didn't get an education, ya'll!!!! (That one's for you, TMZ) Blame that on her being her family's meal ticket at an early age. To echo Jodie Foster's recent comments about Lindsey Lohan: Where is her mother? Why did Brit's mother feed her to the vultures at such a young age and then turn on her when she had the audacity to take control of her own life?
Now Britney is left to doggie paddle in Hollywood's pool of slime all by herself. What she needs is a strong agent like Pat Kingsley who can put the fear of God in the media and maybe Britney herself. She needs guidance from someone who doesn't need or care about her money. Maybe Jodie Foster can mentor the little lost girl. Jodie recently commented on Hollywood's exploitation of young girls for financial gain. "When I was their age, there were no big 18-year-old stars. Now, we want the 17-year-olds so we can bleed them for all they're worth and squeeze as much money as we possibly can out of them - and then their career will be over in something like three years." But these standards, Britney is a survivor.
To paraphrase Britney, "Back off bitches." Go pick on someone who can afford the fight, like Oprah.
Posted September 10, 2007
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