A Shaggy Dog Story to Brighten the Blight
GRIM TIDINGS HAILED FROM AMERICA'S NEWS PAGES YESTERDAY. You needed a hanky just to glance at the headlines.
Of course, the bloodiest violence reported was the figurative knifing of Senator Barack Obama by his father figure, the Rev. Jeremiah Wright, who betrayed his protege's political aspirations by deliberately reiterating his disdain for whitey. The betrayal was excruciating to watch as the result will be the temporary shelving of a presidential campaign. The sad end to a two-decade affiliation reminds us all of the consequences of affiliation. Or as the blog Real Clear Politics put it, "Obama's Chickens Come Home to Roost." Here's the lesson for us all: Is there someone in your life you need to jettison? Don't wait until your judgment is questioned.
Some of the media, witnessing the death of their anointed candidate, moved into overdrive trying to pin the Rev. Wright's death wish on, guess who, Billary Clinton. Which they should be careful of doing: Painting Hillary and Bill as omnipotent has the direct effect of promoting a Clinton presidency redux. After all, doesn't the most powerful deserve the title?
Then there was the shockingly unbelievable tale of the incestuous Austrian electrician who imprisoned his daughter for 24 years and fathered seven children with her. The story's most pressing mystery is how the wife of the man, described as the perfect grandmother," could unknowingly live above the torture chamber that housed her "missing" daughter and grandchildren. This is one for the psychology books.
And, of course, there was the ever-present gloomy economic story measuring Americans' worries over health insurance, housing values and gas prices.
By now, you're probably looking for your Prozac. But wait! If you dug deep, you might have found the story of the resilient pooch who survived eight days buried underneath the rubble of a Colorado building that had exploded.
The Springer spaniel Lulu is believed to have survived off snow and scraps. Lulu's owner, Brian Mislanski, remains hospitalized for injuries suffered in the explosion, but was reportedly happy about dog's rescue. Friends took the pooch to St. Anthony Central Hospital in Denver to visit Mislanski with the hospital's okay, according to the Associated Press. Let's hope he recovers soon.
And so, thanks to Lulu's good fight, for an instant Crabby forgets about political betrayal, financial debt, incestuous crime and world hunger. Ah, the enduring appeal of a good dog tale!Permalink
Posted April 30, 2008
That Vixen Barbie Is Threatening Islamic Standards, Faces Deportation Or Beheading (Little Do They Know That's What Routinely Happens in America)
AMERICA'S INSIDIOUS EXPORTATION OF BUSTY DOLLS AND UNEARTHLY SUPERHEROES HAS resulted in an edict handed down by an Iranian official declaring that Western toys are dangerous and must be banned from the Muslim country.
Prosecutor General Ghorban Ali Dori Najafabadi sent a letter to Vice President Parviz Davoudi declaring that the toys were threatening the country's moral standards. "The displays of personalities such as Barbie, Batman, Spiderman and Harry Potter ... as well as the irregular importation of unsanctioned computer games and movies, are all warning bells to the officials in the cultural arena," Najafabadi's letter said. He went on to say that the "personality and identity of the new generation and our children, as a result of unrestricted importation of toys, has been put at risk and caused irreparable damages."
As Barbie goes, so goes a nation? Is there really a threat that Muslim women will now shed their burkas or hijabs to reveal unnaturally high arches and missing peeholes? And if that were possible, wouldn't that promise more "sex safe" than the real equipment?
To be honest, Crabby isn't a big fan of Barbie herself. She's always preferred Barbie's less glamorous younger sister Skipper, foretelling just how big of a square she would be. (Crabby, that is, not Skipper.) And there's no doubt that one of our biggest exports is sex; aren't we the best at recognizing the commercial possibilities of anything? So I say to Iran: Good luck in your jihad against Barbie, whom I agree is one trashy sorority sister.
But here's my thought: Why not create a whole new fashion toy industry making Barbie burkas? Turbans for Spidey? And you can tie tiny carpets together for Harry Potter's faux magic carpet rides. That might be your best hope against the Western tsunami soon to flood your world. Believe me, you have my sympathies.Permalink
Posted April 28, 2008
Miley Cyrus: Displaying Naughtiness? Or Synergy at Work?
CONGRATS TO MILEY CYRUS AND HER DADDY, BILLY RAY, WHO HAVE succeeded in turning a wholesome TV princess into a poor little rich girl. And doesn't that always make for 'more sellable' story? Because now they have to manufacture dirt to make the just-sold million dollar biography of a privileged 15-year-old more appealing. Oh, and let's point out, the book's release date is timed to Miley's scheduled 2009 tour! Marketing synergy at work, America!
Miley, 15, is the wildly popular star of the Disney tween series, "Hannah Montana,'' which makes all little girls think that it's possible to be both normal AND a rock star. 'Mommy, don't they sell the 'how-to' kit at the Disney Store at the mall?,' ask all the dollies, who then sneak off to apply lip gloss and sing into faux microphones before their bathroom mirrors. But Crabby digressses.
So now we find two contrived controversies over Miss Cyrus: Some private snaps of Miley lying on the lap of a teenage boy who looks far from wolfish showing her bra and midriff? She's wearing more than she would for a day at the pool. And you can bet several more layers than she will next year during her concert tour. But that didn't stop the tsk, tsking. And the teen queen actually looks pretty and natural in the pose.
Compare that photo to the snaps taken by Vanity Fair's famed shooter Annie Liebovitz for the mag's June issue. The shots show an unkempt, sickly Miley draped only in a sheet, which makes it look as though she's just finished a romp in the sack. And she isn't pretty: rather, she looks like an average teen you'd find shopping at the Mall of America.
Perhaps not liking the outcome, now Miley and her handlers have put out a statement. "I was so honored and thrilled to work with Annie. I took part in a photo shoot that was supposed to be 'artistic' and now, seeing the photographs and reading the story, I feel so embarrassed."
Vanity Fair, in its own statement, points out that "Miley's parents and/or minders were on the set all day. Since the photo was taken digitally, they saw it on the shoot and everyone thought it was a beautiful and natural portrait of Miley."
And so the machine kicks in. Crabby bets it's mere months before Miley shows up wearing a different nose. Don't you know that refined tips sell more?Permalink
Posted April 28, 2008
Curses! Sorcerers' 'Shrinking Penises' Cause Men to Flee With Cupped Crotches
WOULD A POCKET VOODOO DOLL HOLD THE SAME POWER?
In breaking news from Congo, police have detained 13 "sorcerers" accused of using magic to steal or shrink mens' penises.
""It's real,'' Alain Kalala, 29, told Reuters. "...We saw. What was left was tiny." Crabby is shuddering.
"Rumors of penis theft began circulating" last week in the country's capital of Kinshasa. At least 14 "victims" have told police that sorcerers touched them to "make their genitals shrink or disappear" in efforts to extort money for a cure. The rumor has threatened an outbreak of violence.
"I'm tempted to say it's one huge joke," said Jean-Dieudonne Oleko, Kinshasa's police chief. "But when you try to tell the victims that their penises are still there, they tell you that it's become tiny or that they've become impotent. ...I tell them, 'How do you know if you haven't gone home and tried it?'"
Police have round up the accused sorcerers and victims to avoid the type of bloodshed that broke out in Ghana a decade ago, when "penis snatchers" were beaten to death by angry mobs.
Hunger? Corruption? Crime? Ho-hum news from the dark continent. But threaten to shrink a man's penis and the Western world takes notice.
Crabby wonders if this trick would work in the U.S. using miniature fabric dolls and stick pins. Perhaps then we could neuter violent offenders, sociopaths and run-of-the-mill cads with a touch. We could call it the "shrinking cure" to crime.Permalink
Posted April 24, 2008
Jay-Z, Star Jones: Examples Of How and How Not to Practice Celebritydom
ATIP OF THE HAT TO Jay-Z, who has managed to avoid one of the deadliest traps of fame: turning your personal life into a product.
With confirmation that the Hip-Hop Master tied the knot to his longtime sweetheart Beyonce in a small but lavish affair at his New York pad April 4th, Crabby is in awe of the discipline that Jay-Z has shown at keeping his private life private.
No million-dollar deal with the tabs for exclusive photos. No press release confirming what everyone knows to be true. Rather, Mr. and Mrs. Jay-Z simply show up to apply for a marriage license, throw a party, and then send the signed marriage certificate back. The understatedness is unheard of among those who hold the keys to La La Land, and Crabby bows in admiration.
Contrast that with the commercial crassness of Star Jones made of marriage when she exchanged vows with stock broker Al Reynolds in 2004. The announcement was made on The View, Jones' gig at the time, and corporate sponsorship was invited. And now we have the sad if expected news that Star and hubby are cutting ties, and Star, recognizing the error of her publicity-seeking ways, doesn't want to talk about it. So what does she do? She releases a statement to Entertainment Tonight. "Several years ago I made an error in judgment by inviting the media into the most intimate area of my life," she confessed. "A month ago I filed for divorce. The dissolution of a marriage is a difficult time in anyone's life that requires privacy with one's thoughts. I have committed myself to handling this situation with dignity and grace and look forward to emerging from this period as a stronger and wiser woman."
My advice, Star? Observe and mirror the behavior of Jay-Z and his new wife, Beyonce, who evinced with their under-the-radar style that not everything has a price tag.
Once again, congrats to the happy couple. And thanks for keeping it real. Permalink
Posted April 24, 2008
Curiously, Hillary's Election Spread Is Missing From The Headlines
WHERE ARE THOSE NUMBERS NOW?
For weeks, Americans have been clobbered daily with headlines ascertaining Barack Obama's increasing influence over the minds and hearts of Pennsylvania voters. Yet, oddly, in the wee hours of the morning, there was a complete absense of any numbers in the victory headlines regarding Senator Hillary Clinton's primary win. Hopefully, the divide by numbers was missing because the pundits hadn't had time to pour over the results and not due to some conspiratorial zeitgeist of newspaper editors. But by 2 a.m. Central, there were hints in print that Clinton had scored big.
"Clinton Outduels Obama in Primary,'' reported the New York Times. Five paragraphs into the story, the inconvenient truth appears: "Incomplete returns from Pennsylvania showed Mrs. Clinton leading 55 percent to 45 percent." Someone needs to tell those wizened wizards at the old Gray Lady that they buried the lede.
The USA Today declared, "Clinton boosted by big win in Pa. primary" in a 15-paragraph story that did not mention the margin at all. But Crabby gives credit where credit is due: there was that handy graphic nearby showing in small numbers that Clinton beat Obama by 10 percent. Why not in the headline? Why not in the story?
My beloved Wall Street Journal (RIP, sweet, wonderful stalwart that you were,) declared "Clinton Defeats Obama In Pennsylvania Primary." And paragraph four includes like this, "Tuesday night she held a 55%-to-45% majority, with about 94% of the vote reported -- short of the blowout many strategists said she needed." A win may not be a win in some minds, but 10 percent is a strong advantage in any sport, including the bloodiest known called politics.
Finally! Someone mentions the point-spread in the lede! The Washington Post pulled no punches when it delivered the bad news to Obamaphiles. Right there, in the first sentence, it said, " Sen. Hillary Rodham Clinton won the Pennsylvania presidential primary decisively on Tuesday night, running up a 10-percentage-point victory that bolstered her case for staying in the race for the Democratic nomination."
Wow, a newspaper that actually uses the archaic "inverted pyramid" to tell a breaking news story. The Post writers much be gray if they know it; seems nobody much practices it anymore. But then, what do they know about news reporting over at that rag?Permalink
Posted April 23, 2008
At Last, 'Bitter' Has Its Heyday
FINALLY, SOUR, RESIGNED PEOPLE ALL ACROSS PENNSYLVANIA WILL HAVE THEIR DAY OF RECKONING. The slapfest between the junior Senator from Illinois and the junior Senator from New York reaches its apex today in Pennsylvania's rich, contrarian soil. Today's highly anticipated brawl is billed as potentially a knock-out fight. I say may the best bitch win.
Crabby, a bitter, native Pennsylvanian, suspects that those who are betting on a KO will lose: I'm waging Billary wins with an 8 to 12 percent margin. But I'll happily eat crow if I'm wrong; crow is a constant on the bitter's menu.
Because 'bitter' is the name of today's game, Crabby has scoured the web looking for all things jaded to entertain the hard-hearted. Here's some misery to keep you company until the primary results are in.
Bitter Voters For Barack Obama. They are not angry at Obama for pointing his finger at the problem; they are angry at the world, or maybe just Hillary. Even has a "voices of the bitter" link.
Bitter Americans. Great junkyard header with the tagline: "Damn right I'm bitter." Who knew that Obama was tapping into a special interest?
Dear Bitter Guy. Advice for the love-lorn from "Mr. Bitter Guy" who promises to "solve your relationship problems & life's anxieties." Just don't take his advice.
bitterwaitress. The head server here swears she only blogs for the free chow. Can you imagine how bitter she must be after nearly 10 years of kvetching about bad tippers? Just thinking about it gives me chills. (By the way, congrats!)
Bitter Old Maid In Brooklyn. Her motto? "Sweet is a treat, but bitter is better." She invites all comers to "share the bile!"
Bitter Tonic. Promises "comedy, satire, humor, funny videos and other ways to dull the pain." Apply the salve!
Old Bitter Balls. Only for the most bitter among us. Joyfully dark, sour, nasty, gross, probably should avoid at all cost. Blogger describes himself as "vile," advises wearing "depends when reading." Click at your own risk. I'm probably going to spend time in purgatory just listing this site to satify my ''bitter' urges.
The Bitterest Pill. Okay, this guy Dan Klass is really pathetic. Describes himself as "failed actor/former comedian/shut-in." Can't win at Chutes & Ladders! Cheer him up with a visit.
Bitter Bierce. Suffering from "early-onset curmudgeon." He can't be all bad: his favorite music includes the likes of Duke Ellington and Van Morrison. Perhaps merely depressive?
Bitter Cup of Joe. Seems more like "Forlorn in the Kitchen," but what do I know?
The Bitter Stickgirl. It's a dram-edy in cartoon. Go figure.
Bitter Purl. A bitter knitter? Isn't this an oxymoron? Advertises "now with 10 percent more bitterness." So sad.
The Bitter Blog. How anyone who claims to have never had a pimple can be bitter, I'll never know. I guess bitter comes in a shapes and sizes!
Bitter Betty Blogs. She's the crafty type; don't buy into her "bitter" hype.
I Pretty Much Hate Everything. Self-proclaimed misanthrope, but don't believe a word of it. Her optimism is palpable through the moniter.
Bittersweet Me. Touts "dodgy sex and personal anguish found here." Two key ingredients found in bitter.
Bitter Too. Apparently created to capitalize on Obama's verbal miscue. Reading it will convince you that you are already part of the "bitter" vote.
Had enough? Me too. But let's remember: you don't need to hail from Pennsylvania; bitter is a state of mind.Permalink
Posted April 22, 2008
Introducing 'Sexy Chatty Catty,' For Whom Some Traditions Ought to Remain Unchanged
H
I ALL. I INVITE YOU TO THINK OF ME AS CRABBY'S UNSPOILED BUT SEXIER SIDE DISH.
While I am sure Crabby was watching the Clinton-Obama debate last Wednesday, I was watching America’s Next Top Model. I figure if anything earth shattering happens it will be discussed over and over ad nauseam during the 24/7 news cycle.
You also won't catch me watching Gossip Girl, CSI or Grey’s Anatomy. I get my kicks from reality, be it lowbrow – Lavor of Love, or highbrow, a la reality's masterpiece theater– Last Restaurant Standing. I love really cheesy stuff. That's why I always order extra white stuff on my pizza.
And speaking of cheese, one of my favorite movies is Teen Witch, the '80s tale of an awkward geek who discovers she descends from witches. Newly awakended to her supernatural powers she begins to aid friends and punish enemies, all the while trying to cast a spell on the most beautiful boy in school. Don't you wish you had that juice?
If you’ve never sampled this late '80s snack, check out this
rap scene.
If you're with me so far, you can understand that I am outraged that a remake of Teen Witch is in the works starring somebody named Ashley Tisdale. She's apparently some teen twit with a new nose who was in that latest Disney lie called The High School Musical. (Cliques never pull together). But I wouldn't recognize her with or without the new beak. I'm guessing she's just another dyed blonde.
But Teen Witch IS NOT just another teen movie. It is beloved by Sexy Chatty Catty, and I don't want it sullied by Disney's crass commercialism. Why can't the new generation enjoy the gooey chewy goodness of 100 percent natural American cheese?
Sexy Chatty Catty will comment periodically at CrabbyGolightly.com on America's favorite TV snack foods. Permalink
Posted April 21, 2008
And Friday's Word Of The Day is "Daft"
APROPOS OF NOTHING, TODAY'S LESSON FROM CRABBYTOWN IS ON THE DEFINITION OF "DAFT."
The Random House College Dictionary, Revised Edition, defines "daft," adj., as
1. insane; crazy.
2. Simple or foolish.
3. Scot. merry; playful; frolicsome. Derived from the Middle English word 'dafte' meaning uncouth, awkward; earlier meaning; gentle, meek. As compared to "deft," adj., meaning "dexterous; nimble;skillful; clever."
Let's use the word in a sentence, shall we? "I'm sorry it must be said, but George Bush Jr. is daft to think he was worthy of being president." Very good, class.
Some contemporary usages include "Daft Punk," a reference to a post-punk French duo making electronic music for the 21st Century. Initially the techno-pop twosome wore masks or robotic disguises due to shyness, but the practice morphed them into "superheroes" for their human fans.
The band inspired "Daft Bodies", a YouTube sensation (you can activate above) showing two boxed-headed nymphettes dancing to the techno-pop's song, "Harder, Better, Faster, Stronger." And, frankly, the shameful excuse for this post. There are other notable
YouTube tributes to the techno-popsters, but no peers in Crabby's judgment.
How do I know this? I rely on those crazy kids over at Hey, Be Us! to keep me informed, who when not posting on the web are helping to eradicate racism in the world. Check them out!
On a completely different note, other crazy kids, these found at the University of Pennsylvania's Daily Pennsylvanian endorsed Hillary Clinton because they think she's the can-do candidate. In other words, she's "harder, better, faster, stronger."
Philadelphia, America's birthplace of Independence, is showing that steely trait again! Out of 50 student newspaper endorsements, all but five have endorsed Barack Obama. Crabby suspects the endorsement presages the outcome of next Tuesday's Keystone state primary. But then again, who won't be surprised?Permalink
Posted April 18, 2008
Once A Suspect, Always a Suspect: Feds Plan to Take DNA From Detained Foreigners, Americans
PERHAPS THIS IS SOME PASSIVE-AGGRESSIVE WAY REPUBLICANS ARE PLANNING TO KEEP IMMIGRANTS OUT OF THE COUNTRY WITHOUT BUILDING EXPENSIVE WALLS or waging a messy political battle.
Using authority given by Congress, the FBI plans to collect DNA from detained foreigners, as well as any American connected to a federal crime, whether or not they have been charged. The practice alarms civil libertarians who see the move as further encroachment on our civil rights under the current political regime.
Current policy allows DNA collection through a cheek swab only from convicted felons.
The policy builds on the practice of 13 states who already collect DNA from those arrested and then turn over the data to the federal government, according to the Washington Post. "Innocent people don't belong in a so-called criminal database," Tania Simoncelli, science adviser for the American Civil Liberties Union, told the Post. "We're crossing a line." The
Associated Press reported Wednesday that "the new regulation would mean that the federal government could store DNA samples of people who are not guilty of any crime," said Jesselyn McCurdy of the ACLU. The new rule does not allow samples to be taken from legal immigrants or those being processed for admission unless arrested.
Of course, Crabby thinks that the entire notion of privacy is quaint in the age of the Internet, genetics testing, wireless technology and satellites. For chrissakes, Google Map is capturing people's pets in their windows and showing closeups of homes, prompting at least one couple to sue claiming their privacy was violated. In the lawsuit filed earlier this month, a Pennsylvania couple say they bought their home in late 2006 partly because of its secluded location marked as a "private road." But surely we can just dismiss them as just some bitter Keystone state kooks?
Whichever Democrat takes the keys from our Court Jester, George Bush Jr., is surely going to have a lot of cleaning up to do. Let's not forget that the world is still waiting for America to reinstate habeas corpus for persons being held without being charged with a crime. One example of the outrageous practice: AP photographer Bilal Hussein, a Pulitzer-Prize winning newsman, was released by the U.S. military Wednesday after spending two years in an Iraqi jail despite never having been charged with a crime.
Such is the Amerika of the 21st Century. We are losing friends around the world, and January 20th cannot come soon enough. Permalink
Posted April 17, 2008
Cognitive Dissonance In The Headlines: Take Your Pick and Stick With It
CRABBY IS SUFFERING FROM WHIPLASH DUE TO THE daily contradictory stories on the race between Democratic presidential candidates Senators Barack Obama and Hillary Clinton. Seems those who suffer from what psychologists call "cognitive dissonance" have their pick of which stories to read, which opinions to reinforce. To wit, a sample of headlines coming over the web during the last two news cycles:
"Obama Surges on Electability, Challenges Clinton on Leadership"
"Poll Shows Obama Ahead as Candidate Dems See as Most Likely to Win in November" -- From ABC News online, April 16, 2008.
"Quinnipiac Poll: Clinton Has Stopped Obama Momentum In Pennsylvania"
From The Moderate Voice, which describes itself as a "moderate" online political website.
"Obama moves to largest lead yet in Gallup tracking poll"
"Three days' worth of polling after the news broke that Sen. Barack Obama said some small-town voters are "bitter," he has edged out to his largest lead yet in Gallup's daily national tracking survey." -- from USA Today, April 15 at 1:40 p.m.
"Obama's responses to controversy may be hurting him"
"...But amid signs that the controversy is hurting Obama in Pennsylvania -- one poll out yesterday showed Clinton opening up a double-digit lead again -- some analysts are questioning whether all of Obama's talking now is only helping to keep the story alive." -- from Newsday, from April 14, 8:17 p.m.
"Obama ahead in N.C., statistically tied in Pennsylvania and Indiana"
"New polls for the next three Democratic contests show little evidence so far of any damage to Barack Obama from his comments about bitter small town voters." -- from The Boston Globe, April 15 at 5:10 p.m.
"New poll shows Barack Obama tanking in Pennsylvania"
"...The findings could hardly be worse for the Democratic presidential contender." -- From the Los Angeles Times, April 14, 2008.
"Poll: Obama 'bitter' comments haven't hurt"
"Democratic U.S. presidential hopeful Barack Obama's comment that some rural voters might be "bitter" has not cost him in Pennsylvania, a voter survey shows." -- from United Press International, April 15 at 7:51 p.m.
"New Poll: 'Bitter' Controversy Actually Helped Obama"
From The Huffington Post, April 16.
"Editorial: Obama's lapses make him vulnerable."
From the Dallas Morning News, April 15 at 12 a.m.
"The Hillary Deathwatch -- "The "bitter" flap fails to ignite."
From Slate, April 15 at 3:15 p.m.
"Poll shows 10-point lead for Obama, increasingly negative view of Clinton"
Sen. Barack Obama holds a 10-point lead over Sen. Hillary Rodham Clinton when Democrats are asked whom they would prefer to see emerge as the party's presidential nominee." -- from The Washington Post , April 16, at 3:00 a.m.
"John McCain capitalising on Democratic battle"
"While he is concentrating on uniting his Republican party...two contenders in the other party" are frantically trying to destroy each other." From The Telegraph, April 16 at 2:47 a.m.
"The Ricing on the Cake for a Republican Disaster"
"... [I]n the campaign's homestretch, Senator McCain and the Republicans have stepped in to reassert their claim to a defeat that is rightfully theirs." -- from Huffington Post, April 16 at 12:26 a.m.
And for now something really funny, The Hartford Courant has a blog entry headlined, "Ralph Nader Says He's At 10 Percent in Michigan"
Bitter people, yuppies, root for your candidate and take your pick! You can find the story to reinforce your views! Crabby is so fucking grateful that each election brings its own surprises and makes a mockery of the pundits. Can't wait until this year's election surprise.Permalink
Posted April 16, 2008
Road Trip! Elvis' "Triple-X Charisma" Displays in Memphis Memorial Day Weekend
WITH AMERICANS PLANNING TO STAY CLOSER TO HOME THIS SUMMER, The Elvis Presley Estate in Memphis, Tennessee has given road trippers a good excuse to head South: That locked-in-time shrine to the dead pop icon is opening a display at Graceland of more than 50 jumpsuits worn by the King. And here's the bonus: the new exhibit will also include never-before-seen-photographs of Elvis performing at Madison Square Garden in 1972.
New York lensman George Kalinsky was the official photographer of the arena, capturing legends such as Frank Sinatra, Muhammad Ali, and John Paul II on film. He recently uncovered four rolls of film he had shot of Elvis while working on a billboard campaign called "Great Moments in New York." When Kalinsky sought permission from Presley's estate to use a photo, reps asked if he had anymore. Why, yes, as a matter-of-fact: 40 never-before-seen shots of Elvis in all his Viva Las Vegas glory.
Kalinsky's told the press that he went onstage to meet Elvis that night: "He was electrifying in his white jumpsuit, with his cape on. He was quite humble, but he had an aura. There are very few people who have triple-X charisma and Elvis was one."
George, we are awed just knowing you were in the King's presence. Memphis, here we come!Permalink
Posted April 15, 2008
Can We Finally Take His License To Practice Faux Medicine Away?
WHILE MANY AMERICANS WHO SNACK ON REALITY TV have only come to know the form since it was added to prime time's menu, savvy couch potatoes recognize that the form has long been a daytime staple.
Crabby had her own foray in talk TV, and toward the end of my stint, I worried that we'd soon be recording murder. That's because every "next show" had to evoke more shock, awe, sorrow, shame, joy or delight than the last one. The environment was 24/7 of fever-pitch for more, better, faster. And if you didn't deliver, well then, you failed. Because the viewers -- and the staff -- had already heard the one about the dog who saved his master from the fire, or about the grandfather who took snapshots of his grandkid naked, or the couples' swapping partners, or mothers who trashed their newborns. And so you better have something even more incredulous today than you did yesterday.
So it seems a little disingenuous that Dr. Phil has suddenly been fingered as sleazeball? Have you people been snoozing? Perhaps the latest brouhaha is because Phil McGraw's recent misstep comes so soon after his violating Britney Spears' privacy had left scolds agog: Someone from his vile show bailed out the 17-year-old ringleader in an attack on a teenage girl, apparently with the intent of securing the accused as a show guest.
Show spokeswoman Terri Corigliano is quoted as saying, "We have helped guests and potential guests in the past when they need financial assistance to come on the show — assisting with clothing allowance, lost wages, accommodations, travel and necessities. In this case, certain staff members went beyond our guidelines." Yeah, but someone told this dough-boy to, and the secret was out when he made his "exclusive" claim to 17-year old Mercades Nichols before TMZ cameras. And now gossips wonder if McGraw's latest lapse in judgment may have doomed his show.
I'm sorry but I'm confused: I thought capitalizing on people's pathos (Search "Dr. Phil" in file) is what talk shows did every day for fun and profit. Isn't that how Oprah became a billionaire? Permalink
Posted April 14, 2008
Barack Obama's Is No Small "Change" Agent: Only Big Bucks Will Do
GRANTED, THE MAN IS A GIFTED ORATOR WITH A UNIQUE BACKGROUND AND A BOATLOAD OF CHARISMA. And though he promises "change we can believe in," I would say that the change he chants about upon close inspection seems an awful lot like "more of the same."
The Washington Post has a fascinating albeit late story in today's paper about the billionaire "bundlers" who have helped Obama rake in an unprecedented $240 million in campaign contributions. All of them have ulterior motives that go unspoken.
These big money contributors give Crabby, a Chicago resident, queasy unease about the commonalities they share with accused con and real estate developer Tony Rezko from whom Obama sought help in buying a sliver of property to expand his back yard. Published accounts show that Obama approached Resko about two properties for sale next door to each other on Chicago's South Side and CLOSED on the properties the same day. Later, Rezko sold a sliver of his new land back to Obama for less than market rates. Barack apologized, said he made a mistake with his typical feigned sincerity, but the belated apology is a typical behavior pattern for him, according to Chicago's Sun-Times' columnist Lynn Sweet. She notes Obama's pattern of "taking on a higher standard, but only when it appears to be politically expedient." The Wall Street Journal points out today yet another example of Obama backing into virtue in an article regarding Obama's flip flop on accepting public funds for his presidential campaign.
While Barack's givers say they support the man because he "inspires," the political truth is they don't have to give voice to why they support an unseasoned junior senator with a cowardly record in the Illinois legislature. Their contributions are louder than any "change" chants.Permalink
Posted April 11, 2008
Scientists Confirm It: Angelina Jolie is a Trollop
AS "WONDERFULHUMAN161-B" SUCCINCTLY PUT IT ON THE COMMENT BOARD of the New York Daily News: "HELLLLLLLLLLOOOOOOOOOOOOO DOE EYED GIRLS."
In an apparently poorly designed study to ascertain who's in the mood for love versus who's just randy, social scientists in the U.K. concluded like poets and playboys that the answer is in the eyes.
In the study reported by Reuters, scientists at three U.K. universities said women believed ready for a roll in the sack were considered more attractive by men. And men with strong jaws, larger noses and smaller eyes were perceived as more lustful and less suitable for marriage than men with softer features.
Randy women on the other hand, according to Reuters, "tended to have wide eyes and large lips, such as the actress Angelina Jolie." But Ang is in good company: the New York Daily News tags Lindsay Lohan and Charlize Theron with eyes that invite casual sex. I'm sure if I kept looking someone would have fingered Britney for having slutty eyes. Whatever.
It's not quite clear if the scientists themselves concluded that Ang and Lindsay and Charlize were apt examples of the sexually ready female. For that answer we'd have to get the recent issue of the journal, "Evolution and Human Behavior," which reports on the study of 700 "heterosexuals."
One part of the study found that "72 percent of the 153 participants correctly identified the sexual attitues of a group of men and women in their 20s after being shown photographs of facial images." We presume those stats are straight from a release because every article says the same thing. Why no mention of the results involving the 547 other subjects?
And though every report is accompanied by photos of subjects alleging to display sexual readiness or the love state, it seems obvious the comparisons are between the same person. Which begs this question: How did the "scientists" provoke love or lust on their subjects' faces? Did they show them dirty pictures of naked people entwined in a love match? Did they show them photos of average Joes and Jolines, followed by beauties and ask: who would you rather screw?
Look closely at the photos provided, and you can see the eyes of subjects in lustful states are more focused, alert and shiny. That's my conclusion, as well as this: news reporting has gone to pot.Permalink
Posted April 10, 2008
Past Life Regression
Posted April 9, 2008
The Point Is, Gayle, You and Oprah May As Well Get the "Benefits"
OPRAH'S BFF VISITED O'S NEWEST FAN DAVID LETTERMAN last weekend to hawk Oprah's Houlier-Than-Thou Reality TV show, and while there she reminded everyone once again that she and Oprah are definitely, absolutely, positively, however did you get that idea?, no way, not gay lovers. To which Crabby says we believe you, honestly, truly, we do, we wouldn't care anyway, not that there's anything wrong with that.
But the point is, Gayle, in case you haven't figured this out, there is not a man in the world who is going to get involved with you since Oprah has outmanned most men in the ego and earning departments (and that's a compliment!). And Gayle, well, we just can't imagine there's anyone who you are more interested in spending time with. You already admitted that if Oprah were a man that you would marry her. And why not? The alpha male always provides, and few men can provide better than Oprah. Remember when your ex-husband blamed your divorce on Oprah? That was way back in 1993, and only more of the same ($$$$, gifts, fame, power, glory, sainthood) has occurred since then. Of course, we know that you say your ex cheated on you, but that's what men do when they feel abandoned and kicked to the curb. And let's be honest, what other man can offer you a private airplane, $7 million condos, and a private audience with Nelson Mandela, the Queen of England, or the Pope if so desired. (And let's be real: nobody wants the Pope's company.) But Tina Turner, yes, Maya Angelou, maybe, Tiger Woods, yes! yes!!, Beyonce, an orgasmic yes!, Barack Obama, ...100 percent yes! But can Michelle be off fundraising somewhere else?
Bottom line: you may as well go for the benefits. You're not going to see a hard one any time soon. That is, until you divorce Oprah. And why bother when you can buy the best motorized help in the world. Permalink
Posted April 8, 2008
Wikileaks's Truthseekers In Cahoots with Scientology's "Evil Galatic Overlord" Xenu
SCIENTOLOGY CONTINUES ITS QUEST TO CONTROL ITS DOMINION with a letter sent to free press activists at Wikileaks threatening legal action if secret documents detailing the cult's "belief in an evil galactic overlord" named Xenu are not removed from the web. But Wikileaks has snubbed its nose at the threat from the religion-cum-cult.
Wikileaks, truth-seekers whose mission is to publish evidence of illegal or compromising behavior by governments and industries, says it posted the aggrieving documents last month. Included in them are "typed as well as hand-written pages by the cult founder, the late science fiction writer and con-man L. Ron Hubbard," as well as the group's "bibles" revealing the secret layers of Scientology and its "operating thetans," whatever they are.
According to Wikileaks, "the public is usually introduced to the cult through its "free stress test" stalls, L. Ron Hubbard's 1950's pseudo-science book "Dianetics", or fronts such as Narconon, Criminon or the Citizens Commission on Human Rights. Cult members are normally thoroughly indoctrinated before they are introduced to the higher "bibles"...which describe all human problems as having being caused by an evil galactic overlord, Xenu, 75 million years ago."
According to Wikipedia, Xenu is the "alien ruler of the "Galactic Confederacy" who 75 million years ago brought brought billions of people to Earth in spacecraft resembling Douglas DC-8 airliners, stacked them around volcanoes and blew them up with hydrogen bombs. Their souls then clustered together, stuck to the bodies of the living and continue to do this today. Hubbard called these clustered spirits "Body Thetans," and advanced-level Scientologists place considerable emphasis on isolating these alien souls and neutralizing their ill effects."
I guess we can presume that the souls over at Wikileaks are the alien souls that must be neutralized due to their ill effects. But they've got plenty of company in their battle against Scientology here and here, or as BuzzFeed likes to say, something to do with "Nick Denton's balls."Permalink
Posted April 7, 2008
Will Newlyweds Jay-Z and Beyonce Last? Ask the Stars
C ONGRATS TO THE NEWLY BETROTHED RAPPER JAY Z AND SOUL SINGER BEYONCE KNOWLES. People reported last evening that the couple tied the knot in front of 30 close friends and relatives at Jay-Z's TriBeCa apartment. Onlookers included former Destiny's Child girlfriends Kelly Rowland and Michelle Williams, who posted a goofy YouTube video Thursday night from New York's Four Seasons Hotel, and fellow big Apple resident Gwyneth Paltrow. Some were reporting that George Clooney may have attended. We are sure the affair was luxe as Jay Z, a.k.a. Shawn Corey Carter, is a man with impeccable taste. All you need to do to know that is look at his gorgeous wife.
Because Crabby sadly couldn't be at the swank affair, she did the next best thing: she looked into the marriage's future with the help of the stars. And I'm sorry to say that if you believe in this stuff, the marriage between this Virgo (her) and Sagitarius (him) looks exciting and passionate though not necessarily permanent. A rundown of the astrological aspects:
Their Suns Square
According to the instant chart delivered at CafeAstrology.com, with this combination "a lot of energy is wasted in having to explain yourselves to each other. Misunderstandings are frequent, and they are draining." There is "certainly enough conflict to ruin a whole day, if not a whole life. If at first the relationship is charming and agreeable, it will quickly end up disharmonious and life together will become unbearable. If one of the two does not make an effort, or does not find a compromise, it leads irrevocably to a breakup." Yikes!
Their Moons Square too!
This aspect suggests "passions that could well lead to conflicts, even violent ones not only verbal but also, unfortunately, sometimes physical." We don't want to believe this at all!
Her Moon Conjuncts His Mercury
This is supposed to be an "ideal aspect for a couple, as they will have lots of interests and projects in common, and they will understand each other well. There is a mental rapport that sometimes borders on the telepathic." This contradicts the earlier squares, but relationships are complicated!
Her Moon Conjuncts his Saturn
A positive aspect that will "lead their lives together, with the Moon (Beyonce) bringing fantasy to Saturn (Jay Z), who is sometimes too austere but whose other qualities (which the Moon does not possess) are appreciated. Two people whose difference in character is made to complement each other." Good news! And do we imagine seeing this from afar?
Her Jupiter Sextiles His Sun
"Here is a couple you like to be with. They are charming, agreeable and know how to entertain their friends generously and warmly. They go well together, and love each other in a discrete and sincere way, and appreciate the joys of life together." Finally some good news! But wait...
Her Mars Square His Saturn
"It is very challenging for such a union to be happy, but if it progresses, it could easily become unbearable! Both parties must be committed to happiness in order for this to work." Dangit, make up your mind stars!
Her Uranus Conjucts his Saturn
This combination links "invention and originality with common sense and thoughtfulness. They might do great things together."
Her Venus Trines His Mars
"This is a union that is particularly based on physical understanding, passionate love. There is a lot of affection between them, and they need to express it physically. Plenty of attraction here." So there'll be lots of good make-up sex after the predicted storms?
Her Pluto Trines His Mars
"Enormous physical passion. The sexual attraction is intense and insistent. They want to be around each other as much as possible. Their sexual relationship evolves with time, instead of dissolves."
So there you have it. A typical, complicated, multi-layered, befuddling, contradictory, shocking, fun, physical marriage! Let's all keep our fingers crossed for them.Permalink
Posted April 5, 2008
The Diamond Thong: We Presume She Gets To Keep The Sample
A FEW NOTABLES FROM THE NEWS:
A diamond-crusted thong is the highlight of a Singapore lingerie fashion show. Reuters reports, "The Triumph Luxurious Diamond Thong had 518 brilliant-cut diamonds, totaling 30 carats, studded into the front of a black lace thong in a floral pattern. The skimpy underwear that left little to the imagination also had 27 white gold tassels hanging off it." The model swears it isn't uncomfortable at all but that it's hard to handwash. We thought surely the model would be able to keep the cloth, but apparently the snatch patch will be sent off for drycleaning and then put on display. Wasn't that what they did during the show?
The press keeps pointing out how much money Barack Obama has raised compared to Hillary Clinton, $131 million in the first three months of 2008 compared to $70 million for Clinton. All of which begs the question: Does the candidate with the most money win? Just further evidence that presidencies can be bought, but here's a safe bet: money won't buy Pennsylvanians.
Hillary Clinton proves she has a sense of humor on The Tonight Show, joking that she was almost late due to incoming sniper fire. Then she gave her "gayest look," -- she smiled!
Sooner or later, K-Fed's free ride at Britney's expense has to come to an end. TMZ has the goods on how much the professional hanger-on blew in Vegas during a recent 8-month stretch of time. Crabby sees a Britney-Kevin rematch in the future: how else is he gonna pay his bills? And if Daddy Jaime doesn't rekindle the love, he'll have to split his share of the doe with his ex-son-in-law. Gotta put a stop to that.
And more reason for the common folk to be bitter: The New York Times reports that getting into the Ivies is tougher than ever. For every 100 kids who applied to Harvard this year, seven were accepted. College guidance counselors were busy trying to rationalize rejection to top students. "“I know why it matters so much, and I also don’t understand why it matters so much,” said William M. Shain, dean of admissions and financial aid at Bowdoin. “Where we went to college does not set us up for success or keep us away from it.” Who is he kidding? Permalink
Posted April 4, 2008
So This Is What Madonna Means When She Sells "Hard Candy"
THE WORLD CAN REST NOW KNOWING THAT MADGE, the rock and roll legend with the unquenchable appetite, is getting her sexual kicks. The one and only Madonna confesses in Elle's May issue that hubby Guy satisfies her -- at least in bed. Madge has a song on her new album Hardy Candy, in which she says, "Sex with you is incredible." The Elle interviewer asked the obvious: Is she singing about Guy? "Absolutely," Madonna's quoted as saying. "Sex with Guy is incredible ... And surprise, surprise, it's his favorite song on the album. Actually, maybe it's not his favorite song, but it's definitely his favorite line."
Of course, none of this can actually be believed because Madonna's in selling mode, and in that mode everything is suspect. For all anyone really knows, Madge could be singing about sex with herself. But unless she has a guest appearance on The Moment of Truth, we'll never get to ask.
Another clue to that "incredible" sex is a study in the news today that says it takes as little as three minutes to satisfy a woman in bed. According to an AP story,
"A survey of sex therapists concluded the optimal amount of time for sexual intercourse was 3 to 13 minutes."
But don't get cocky, guys: this optimal time does not include foreplay -- the most important part for women, so men, you're not off the hook.
Another not-so-newsworthy fact from the study, to be published in the May issue of the Journal of Sexual Medicine: It's difficult for both older men and young men to make sexual intercourse last much longer than the median 7.3 minutes. Duh. Dud. And one final conclusion: sex that lasts between one and two minutes is "too short." We can all rest knowing that Guy surely beats the averages?Permalink
Posted April 2, 2008
Celeb News Redux for Bite-Size Attention Spans
WHILE CRABBY FOCUSES ON OTHER BUSINESS for future publication, here's a quick roundup of the eye-catching headlines.
Hip Hop mogul Jay_Z may be about to commit to life-long monogamy: word is he and Beyoncé Knowles have applied for a marriage license in Scarsdale, New York. Congrats in advance!
Hollywood's fixer-to-the stars is now accused of offering murder among his services in the latest testimony in the federal criminal case against P.I. Anthony Pellicano. For some reason Crabby isn't surprised.
The Tonight Show's Jay Leno is in hot water with homosexuals for asking guest Ryan Phillipe to give him is "gayest look," whatever that means. "Wow, that is so something I don't want to do," responded Phillipe. Good call, Ryan.
More fallout for Princess Diana's former butler Paul Burrell, who was considered the princess' "rock" while serving the royal court. But now Burrell's been tagged "rather a porous rock" by the judge presiding over the inquest into Diana's death. Seems Burrell is accused of cashing in his affiliation with Diana and being less than truthful to the court.
Madonna continues to trade what little is left of her private life in exchange for attention to her upcoming release, Hard Candy. In addition to the cover of May's Vanity Fair, the the material girl also talks about sex and Blackberries in next month's Elle magazine. Once again she show's nothing too sacred to sell.
And, finally, a reminder to check out a new blog that Crabby is extremely jealous of called Hey, Be Us!, which one friend compares to Jezebel, but Crabby thinks is edgier and better written. That Natasha V.C. is going places.Permalink
Posted April 2, 2008
Her Beauty Frozen In Time, Diana is Finally Protected From the Tabloids. Lara Flynn Boyle Can't Say the Same
IT DOESN'T SEEM POSSIBLE THAT IN THE 10 YEARS SINCE PRINCESS DIANA'S TRAGIC DEATH INSIDE A PARIS TUNNEL that tabloid editors could have become crueler. But I'd make the case they have.
As Britain wraps up its six-month investigation into whether the royals conspired to kill the former wife of Prince Charles, the world revisits the fairy tale-gone-awry of a young girl who married her prince. I remember vividly my own personal shock when the news broke that Princess Diana had died in a car accident on August 31, 1997 fleeing papparazzi with her beau of the moment, Dodi al-Fayed. I also remember the callous thought that ran through my head soon afterwards: that the beautiful princess was better off dead. After all, a picture-perfect princess doesn't come marred with scars. And it would have been painful to have watched Diana's power, her hold on the public's imagination, slip away.
Diana was enslaved by the spotlight for a simple reason: she was magic on camera. She was spellbinding through a lens and the world couldn't get enough of her. Yet even the most beautiful woman loses her allure to age and decline. That reality particularly escapes no one in the public arena no matter how much exotic creams, plastic surgery and botox they can afford. The tabloids had mocked Diana about a dimple of cellulite; what might they have said if she had had scars and a limp?
The cruelness of the tabloids and their impossible expectations for the women of La La Land is on display as the tab predators target Lara Flynn Boyle for having a puffy face. "Puffy cheeks, drooping jowls... just what has happened to Lara Flynn Boyle's face?,'' asks the U.K.'s Daily Mail near another photo of Goldie Hawn with the caption that "age catches up" with the actress. The article on Boyle proceeds to say that "the 38-year-old's bloated face, drooping jowls and bursting trout pout rendered her almost unrecognisable from the actress who first shot to fame in director David Lynch's cult television series Twin Peaks." That series hit the airwaves 18 years ago! After which time Lara was rumored to suffer from severe anorexia. I'm glad to see she's put on weight. But I guess Lara should have had the good sense to have died in a car accident. Then she would never have to face the horrors of aging in the tabloids' eyes.Permalink
Posted April 1, 2008
Home
November 2008
October 2008
September 2008
August 2008
July 2008
June 2008
May 2008
March 2008
February 2008
January 2008
2007
