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The Hot Housewives Of Surreal Atlanta
DESPERATE HOUSEWIVES ARE SO ‘HO’ HUM. I prefer the “Real” Housewives, particularly the captivating sistahs of Atlanta, rumored land of milk and honey for upwardly-mobile blacks. Even though they can still be a bevy of backstabbing be-yoches, at least they’re not as insane as those “Of Love” chicks.
Sheree, DeShawn, Kim, Lisa and, my personal favorite, NeNe. I covet their frequent spa treatments even more than the gated houses, personal makeup artists and chefs. Scratch that, I’ve always vowed that if I got to live large a personal chef would be my first hire.
But let’s dissect, shall we?
Kim’s first. Unlike the other housewives she’s a white girl who likes to say she’s “a black woman in a white woman’s body.” I hate that phrase. You’re white Kim. And blonde. Nothing black about you; you just hang with black folks sometimes. She also thinks she’s a country singer because she has that big, blonde weave. Poor Kim, she’s not even a good bathroom singer. Although she has a hook-up with top producer Dallas Austin through her mysterious unseen sugar-daddy, this woman is delusional.
Dallas sends her to a top voice coach who tells her she doesn’t know what she’s doing. When she finally records in a studio the engineer is horrified, and I swear I don’t know how Dallas kept a straight face. When she hears the playback she can only say, “Oh.” I wonder what her next dream will be because country singer is definitely o-vah!
Then there’s DeShawn, married to basketball player Eric Snow (who used to play here in Philly. Go Sixers!). After they built their dream home, she consulted with a decorator for oh, about 3 hours, and viola – we see the family walking into their fully-decorated home. We also see her hiring a staff. Well, not quite; we see her interviewing estate managers who will then hire staff. As she says, “We talk to the estate manager…We don’t talk to the others.” What a snoot!
But her heart is in the right place as she founds a foundation to work with girls from the hood. She also throws a “Diamond Gala” at her palatial home to raise $1 million dollars for the foundation, but girlfriend didn’t charge admission and the auction was a bust. There had to be some folks there with some ducats. I think one of her rich housewife girlfriends should have started the bidding, but did they? HELL NO. You eat the girl’s food and drink her champagne and don’t give it up. For shame! Or maybe they’re poseurs?
NeNe is a funny round-the-way girl who made good. She’s still wild and crazy but now buys her clothes at Neiman’s. Her husband is a successful real estate developer who is so sweet and supportive you could eat him up with a spoon. Her drama comes from a broken friendship with Kim and a rivalry with stuck-up Sheree.
Oh, and there’s the Maury-style who’s-the-father DNA test when a relative snitches that the only father NeNe’s known is not THE FATHER (this turns out true and devastasting). NeNe also starts a foundation - for battered women. She confides that she was in a domestic violence situation once and feels blessed to be out of it. She organizes a Big Hat luncheon (big, church-style hats being a part of African-American tradition) which is a big success. She charges $75 a ticket (DeShawn, take a lesson!), leaves notes at each place setting asking for additional donations and raises $19,000. You go, girl.
Not much to say about Lisa Wu Hartwell. Married to football player Ed Hartwell; ex-wife of singer Keith Sweat. They had two invisible children together and they just show her new baby with Ed (what a cutie). Lisa is one of those people you want to hate because she’s fucking gorgeous, has a bowling alley in her home, and is a jewelry designer, real estate mogul and life-of-any-party. But you like her anyway. She's not into drama, she's too damn busy for it. Awesome.
Then there’s Sheree. I know her type. In Philly she would have been the girl who grew up in a big stone West Mount Airy house. Girls with names like Winter, who didn’t attend parties outside of the neighborhood lest they meet the hoi polloi. She just thinks she’s all that. She’s in a nasty divorce with footballer Bob Whitfield and just wants her seven figures so she can get on with her lifestyle. She, like Kim, her new best friend, put the K in klass. She left NeNe’s name off the guest list at her birthday party and said it was a mistake. Then smiled. BITCH!
This show is lessons learned. Money can’t buy you good sense, a singing voice or designer talents. But, wow, the things it can buy are amazing. And since the good folks atBravo are masters at synergy, look for Project Runway’s Michael Knight in next week’s finale. Proving who’s the bigger bitch, he pretty much tells Sheree that just because she’s got greenbacks wears nice clothes doesn't mean she can buy “fashion designer.” Holla! Can’t wait!
SexyChattyCatty comments at CrabbyGolightly.com on TV, America's favorite snack food.
Posted November 14, 2008
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