Meet 'Benjamin Bradshaw B.,' The Un-Marketeer

hile most industrialized countries have been environmentally-focused for years, Americans have just jumped on the "green" initiative (or should I say “trend”) about 18 months ago.

This was when so-called hip brands like Gap introduced its new organic cotton, berry-dyed, bamboo-button accented signature polo that still fits like crap but is softer and “environmentally friendly.” (But you still get to shop in the florescent-lighted, faux-wood accented, white wall atmosphere while a fake-tanned gay man in capri pants helps you pick out synthetic nylon belts, but I digress).

The eco-friendly clothing trend is settling now, (& I extend a thank you to the retail gods), but the grocery store isn’t so lucky. Manufacturers of bleach and fruit punch alike are still emerging with new wannabe earth-conscious formulas and packaging that really shows their true color: that sickly shade of greed.

Take this soothing ad for Zephyrhills bottled water for instance. Any picklehead knows that plastic water bottles are on the top of the anti-environment list next to George W. Bush and Wal-Mart. Nothing makes me want to spend my beer money on this infamous wastemaker less than this ad that is literally trying to distract me from the polluting man behind the curtain.

Wasn’t it just yesterday that water bottlers succeeded in convincing me to even pay for water? My grandfather laughed at such new-age mumbo jumbo as he swigged free, chlorine-scented, lead-laced mystery water from the tap. Now that studies show that we're all being unwittingly drugged, the corporate creatives are trying new tricks to convince American people into mass-consuming bottled water, clothing, et. al with whatever marketing scheme it takes. The result: chemicals are the new carbs and the environment is the new killer whale.

With this in mind, I vow to only purchase from companies that don’t try to trick me with shitty ads like showing Windex next to a babbling brook, or the Wal-Mart logo in a pastural meadow. And when I do wash harmful dish soap chemicals down my drain, I’ll own up to their environmental unfriendliness instead of shrugging & pointing to their new recyclable, enviro-bottle.

Reduce, Reuse, Recycle. Drink beer from the tap. But, for god sakes, never wear Birkenstocks.

Benjamin Bradshaw B. is a fashion merchandising student who will comment periodically at CrabbyGolightly.com on fashion and advertising. You can reach him at Myspace.com/taterzz.com.

Posted July 31, 2008