Unbelievable WTFs! Celebrity Predictions for 2008

N

EW YEAR PROMISES COME IN ALL SHAPES AND SIZES. As the calendar flips back to one, many of us mere mortals feel a renewed sense of hope, of possibility, of a second chance for luck and love. Some of us may simply want to drop 20 pounds; others the proverbial ball and chain clamped to our ankles. For celebrities, the new year is time to strategize on updated images and fresh hairdos, meeting new beaus and making botox appointments. They wonder aloud and to themselves: How can we keep the limelight on us?

With the New York Times' review of the year of the "train wreck" in mind, here are some headlines we predict we could end up reading in 2008. In the meantime, we hope to see ya in the New Year!

Britney Elopes to Las Vegas With Jamie Lynn's Baby's Daddy!
What else could smear the Spears' family name more than an intra-family love triangle? Then Jerry Springer could book the whole lot and we could watch fists fly!

Lindsay Lohan Exposed!
Ex-Boyfriend lets out secret that starlet sleeps naked on back with legs and arms outstretched; shakes her leg when her tummy is scratched. Reveals himself to be a real DOG.

Drunken Brawl Breaks Out Between Ex-Hollywood "He Men"!
Mel Gibson and David Hasselhoff caught in an alcohol-fueled dust-up over who made a bigger ass of himself while plastered.

Cannibalism Caught On Tape!
TMZ.com shows video of paparazzi feasting on themselves outside hospital where Britney's baby sister Jamie gives birth to a bouncy baby boy.

Paris Reveals Her Favorite Sex Partner!
Celebutante confides she gives herself the best orgasms; promises to catch future romps with self on video for release to the masses.

Sarah Silverman Unmasked!
Supposed comic actress is really Jimmy Kimmel in drag. "I wanted to get in touch with both my feminine and unfunny side," Kimmel confessed.

The Secret's Out! Oprah and Letterman give birth to their "Love-Hate" child.
Both Dr. Phil and Senator Obama weep with (relief and) joy at the news.

Permalink

Posted December 30, 2007

Britney and Jamie Lynn: America's Rorschach Tests

T

HE SHRIEKS OF JOY CAN BE HEARD ALL ACROSS AMERICA From inside Tabloidville: Whippee! Another Spears girl is preggers! Britney's baby sister, Jamie Lynn, who stars as the levelheaded Zoey in Nickelodeon's Zoey 101, is three months' along, according to OK! magazine. Won't be long now before faux comic Sarah Silverman's pointing out another "beautiful mistake" bearing the last name Spears. Won't be long 'til the congregation of the Southland Christian Church is adding Britney's younger sister to their prayer circle.

What to say? That Jamie Lynn is only one of the estimated 750,000 U.S. teens who get pregnant annually, of which about two-thirds go on to deliver babies. That surely she will become a lightning rod for activists on both sides'of the abortion line. That Britney will finally have someone to deflect paparrazi attention away from her, and who can understand how difficult it is to be a good mother. That Sean and Jared will have a cousin to go trick-or-treating with, but only if their mean mommy plays along with the paps and takes them out for candy. That a baby boom among America's teens will be reported on in, oh, say about two to three years? And imagine the potential tie-ins for the promotion of Lynn Spears' book on motherhood due out next Mother's Day? All easy predictions.

This is something else we know for sure: that Britney, and now Jamie Lynn, are America's very own public Rorschach tests. What you think of them, whether you scold or defend them, is a reflection of your very own world view. Are they sluts looking for attention? Are they the little lost daughters of Lynn? Are they the byproducts of modern day's Sodom and Gommorah, that place we called Hollywood? Or are they typical kids who didn't think of their consequences, got knocked up, but instead of aborting went ahead and had babies?

The end of this story won't be known until Brit and Jamie Lynn are dead and their children are all grown up. But keep this in mind as you watch the show: however you interpret the outcome will be a self-fulfilling prophesy.

Permalink

Posted December 19, 2007

Posted December 18, 2007

The Sins of an Honest Actress. Or is that an Oxymoron?

T

INSELTOWN'S SEXPOT OF THE MOMENT KATHERINE HEIGL is making headlines because she criticized the movie that made her a household name as being "sexist." If your memory serves you, Heigl stars as the E! TV producer who gets preggers while celebrating her promotion to on-air talent in Judd Apatow's Knocked Up. Heigl critizes the movie in January's Vanity Fair saying that the movie "exaggerated the characters, and I had a hard time with it, some days. IÕm playing such a bitch; why is she being such a killjoy? Why is this how youÕre portraying women? É It was hard for me to love the movie.Ó

Now the better-known, and probably wiser, gossips at Jezebel have taken Kate to task for criticizing the movie only after cashing her $300,000 paycheck she received for the movie. Come on girls, why does Katherine have to be the sole beacon of integrity in Hollywood? La La Land is a land of mirrors that only reflects back the chimera it produces. And we all know that pictures, video, press releases, and even the news, do too lie. In fact, during a brief foray into TVland, Crabby learned nothing was true but that saps are the only ones left thinking that honesty matters.

So Katherine is supposed to have, what, challenged Apatow to rewrite the script? And that would have gotten her, um, serving waffles somewhere on Hollywood Boulevard? As Jezebel pointed out in an earlier essay, the movie was painful for most women to watch. Not the least because the scenario the character finds herself in, pregnant after a HUGE promotion that most TV wannabees lust for. But because any on-air talent for E! is liable to be self-centered, egotistical, vain, anorexic, and wouldn't be caught dead with the twit she ends up with. And yes I am generalizing.

The most unlikely of scenarios would be that such a desperado would give all her dreams up for...an unplanned baby with a loser. Apatow's movie is clearly written from a boy's vantage point: Even an average Joe can be loved by a hot chick who can look pass the love handles to their hidden charms. Yea, right. Knocked Up was in essence a fairy tale for boys. Cinderfella finds his Princess. Only in Hollywood does a story like this end up happily-ever-after. Katherine works in Hollywood. Why should she be held to a different standard?

Posted December 5, 2007

Villains on My Mind

H

ANDS DOWN, SNOW MISER of The Year Without A Santa Claus fame, is my favorite villain of the holiday season. Wikipedia, that everyman's encyclopedia, describes him as a lovable louse taken to making bad puns about cold weather. "Snow Miser was a giant humanoid creature, with the supernatural power to freeze objects at will...[who] lived in a large ice castle, and was attended to by a host of miniature versions of himself. He defended his domain fiercely, yet unlike [his brother] Heat Miser, was a gregarious, friendly, jocular sort, given to gales of laughter..."

So what, the reference ages me. It won't be long before you too are reminiscing fondly about figures from your youth. Perhaps you'll be waxing romantic about Syndrome or Fred Claus, ala former Hollywood hotness Vince Vaughn.

With villains in mind, let's consider two of this week's finest:

First, there's Montel Williams, faux talk-show hero who allegedly threatened to hunt down a high school journalist for having the temerity to ask if pharmaceuticals would lose their love of the hunt if their profits were limited during one of Williams' road show stops on behalf of big Pharma. Montel refused to answer the question. But when he coincidentally crossed paths again with Savannah Morning News intern Courtney Scott later the same day he sinisterly said, "I can look you up, find where you live and blow you up," according to news reports. How's that for heroics? Montel, I think you just, um, lost your part-time gig.

Then there's the four-times married ex-cop Drew Peterson of the Chicago suburb Bolingbrook who is facing new allegations that he asked two truck drivers to transport a package hours after his wife Stacy went missing. Peterson has so far deflected pointing fingers by accusing his wife, 30 years his junior, of taking off with another man. He's also dismissed claims by a relative who attempted suicide after helping to remove a suspicious barrel from Peterson's bedroom. NOTE TO WOMEN EVERYWHERE: If your lover boy has three ex-wives, is old enough to be your father AND has a wife who drowned in a dry tub, run so fu@#xing fast and far that the guy's head spins. We don't need another whodunit with a predictable ending. They are so ho-hum in La La Land.

And let's not forget New York City's bravest who are so clever that they decided to test the honesty of the city's citizens by leaving wallets and pocketbooks in public places, and then arresting those who snapped them up. Yes it is indeed illegal to capitalize on such good fortune! Who could have imagined this is what the future held all those years ago when the FEDS undertook ABSCAM. The news is never at a loss for villains.

Posted December 2, 2007

George Clooney plays Hero to Britney's Anti-Hero

G

EORGE CLOONEY, SO FAR THE 21ST CENTURY'S BEST VERSION of It's a Wonderful Life's George Bailey, has fallen on his sword on behalf of aggrieved celebrities everywhere. I appreciate that, so I am showing the movie poster for his latest movie, Michael Clayton and urging the dozen of you who breeze by to reward George C. at the box office.

George, the son of a newsman, has figuratively rapped the knuckles of long-lensed predators who chase their prey into dangerous territory. Isn't that what predators always do? The biggest victim to be caught in their trap of late is of course Britney Spears, who was snapped running a red light with her two boys and court-appointed babysitter in tow. Eager to capitalize on her misstep, her ex-arm candy known as K-Fed directed his lawyers to immediately ask L.A. Superior Court Commissioner Scott Gordon to forbid Brit to drive with the boys. The judge, being typical of that breed who stares down upon other lesser beings, immediately ruled against Brit. What I've read so far about this judge makes me yearn for the judicial hijinks of former Broward County Court Judge Larry Seidlin, the man who presided over the custody hearing of Anna Nicole Smith's corpse. Seidlin's wayward questioning had me jumping out of my seat in disbelief, but his personal angst was palpable over the airwaves.

The number of celebs to join the Britney Celebrity Defense League© has just got longer, with Hollywood good girl Jennifer Garner telling Glamour that she sympathizes with the current starlet product line. "My heart just goes out to those girls, especially Britney. After her performance at the VMAs (MTVÕs Video Music Awards, where Garner was a presenter), I wanted to go backstage and mother her. The way everyone was celebrating (her shaky performance) was so unfair." Jen, we believe you, but why do your words sound so hollow when read aloud? I won't be satisfied until all the members of the BCDL throw a 'bash' in her honor. And by 'bash,' I mean party, not roast.

Now comes US Weekly's shocking report that Brit's hymen was broken at age 14. This is news? Oh, yea, I forgot. Brit et. al. aren't human; they're mere products to be packaged and repackaged, edited and cropped, touched up or ripped down, any way the media sees fit.

Posted November 25, 2007

The "Sultan of Sleaze" Gets it Right

H

ARVEY LEVIN OF TMZ.com KNOWS HE'S GOING TO HELL, and on most days I'd give him a swift kick in the pants and slam hell's door shut. The way he and his Hollywood hit squad torment Britney Spears is unforgivable, and I wouldn't blame her for habitually running over the feet of the site's photog predators.

Yet even sinners have their goods sides, and for me Harvey's good side was on display when gossip's closest thing to gospel, TMZ, broke story after story on Dr. Jan Adams.

TMZ's coverage of the tragic death of Hip-Hop's first momma Donda West has been exceptionally well-done. TMZ was all over the story like blood at a crime scene. (And I mean that in a good way.) Once the news broke that Kanye West's beloved momma died after a marathon session of plastic surgery, TMZ couldn't be stopped and was breaking news all day long about Dr. Adam's personal rap sheet. They dug up previous lawsuits again Mr. Suave for botched plastic surgeries. Pulled him over for his previous DUIS, and also reported that the doctor had a history of being accused of behaving badly in relationships.

Too bad Dr. Adams couldn't "reconstruct" his own personal history. The always dark-humored Philadelphia Daily News said it best with its quip that Donda's death had "gone from sad to creepy to a very special Halloween episode of "Nip/Tuck." How very true.

Posted November 14, 2007

Stat! Somebody get Julia Roberts on the Phone!

A

nybody with the private number to Julia Roberts is urged to pick up the phone and get her to La La Land in a hurry: Britney is in need of some loving.

The pap's magnification of Britney's human frailties is reaching an all-time high. Now they've got her pinned to the wall with a photo allegedly texting while driving through a red light. Now don't go thinking I'm an apologist for poor little Brit. What I am is a scold to the sleaze media who are unthinkingly ruining at least three people's lives: Brit's and babies' Sean and Jayden.

Can't wait to hear what the court monitor has to say about this one. No, she is not crouching in the front seat of Brit's Benz in fear of Brit's driving: she looks rather to be hiding her face from the cameras. Will she give Los Angeles Superior Court Commissioner Scott Gordon a first-person account of what it is like to be stalked by the media? I hope so. And for the claims that Fed-Ex deserves the Father of the Year Award, let me pose this question: why, then, when TMZ.com et. al. write about his fatherly virtues they never actually have any PICTURES of Mr. Federline with his children in his arms? All I've ever seen is Nanny, Security Guard and Grandma. But when the two wee ones are with Brit, she is the one who is holding them.

I appreciate it when I hear that celebs like George Clooney and Julia Roberts are feeling Brit's pain. Too bad that Brit doesn't have the breeding cred that the two A-listers have. Hollywood's leading lady Roberts is quoted in December's Vanity Fair as saying she wants to park Brit in her guest house and show her the ropes. Here's my plea that Brit actually takes her up on the offer.

Posted November 12, 2007

Dishing up Fury: Who Holds the Patent on Mac 'n Cheese and Cauliflower?

I

n this kitchen corner is Jessica Seinfeld, wife of mega millionaire funnyman Jerry Seinfeld, author of "Deceptively Delicious," and a woman with expensive taste in shoes. (Jessica's no slouch in kissing up, and we do mean UP!, as she ditched her first wealthy husband Eric Nederlander weeks into the marriage after meeting Jerry at a health spa, and then showered Talk Show Prophet (oops, did we mean profit?) Oprah Winfrey with 21 pairs of the world's most expensive footwear, Christian Louboutins, after appearing on O's show to tout her book. )

In that corner of the kitchen is Missy Chase Lapine, author of "The Sneaky Chef," former publisher of Eating Well magazine and the founder of a natural baby bath line BabySpa. Note two things we can't tell you about Missy in an instant: we don't know who her husband is, but surely he isn't worth the hundreds of millions that Jerry is. Nor do we know what type of shoes she wears.

We CAN comment on the faux brouhaha that has erupted like an overcooked soufflˇ: Who stole who's BRILLIANT idea to come up with sneaking veggies in carbs to serve those picky two-foot-high tyrants called children? My response: Duh, who cares? I doubt there's a parent who's walked the Earth who hasn't tried to hide broccoli florets in macaroni and cheese, or peas in tomato soup. Neverthless, we have a marketing scheme whipped up somewhere: a concocted fury over the alleged plagiarism of some cockamamee kids' recipes.

Seriously, folks, (and you Jerry), let's all stop fingering the 'other person' as the 'wackoo' and recognize an unimportant morsel of a story when we see one. All we really need to understand is that Jessica had better connections so that is why her book got more of a push in the public marketplace. Jessica, it turns out, is a better pucker-upper. That's how this world works, right? Now let's all turn our attention to turning all this hot air into a substitute for oil, and not the cooking kind.

Posted Novemeber 2, 2007

Chris Crocker: "Crazy" Like A Fox. Not That There's Anything Wrong With That

P

ARDON THE PUN, but in this incredibly shrinking world Chris Crocker has become a flaming star. If you are reading this in all likelihood you know who Chris Crocker is: defender of the "fat" Britney; promoter of "edutainment,"; self-appointed new philosopher for the YouTube generation.

Chris Crocker gained instant notoriety this week when he posted an impassioned plea on YouTube to "Leave Britney Alone!" As of 6:56 a.m. Thursday morning, the video had been viewed 3,537,314 times since it was posted two days earlier. Not bad for a 19-year-old who declares obliguely on his YouTube profile that "The game is positivity. I believe the best way to to educate and spread positivity is through entertainment, which translates to edutainment. Which just so happens to be my speciality."

The last part is crystal clear: Since signing on to YouTube last February, "Chris Crocker" has posted 66 videos which, in their totality, have been viewed a whopping 20,173,938 times as of 6:36 a.m. September 13. Not bad reach for kid who made his debut just six months ago. Quick, someone sign this talent to MTV! Producers could then help him buff the chasm between his two self-proclaimed personas, one being "The New Christ," the other being "The Queen of Ghetto." (Or perhaps Chris knows something about Jesus Christ that I haven't heard before? Or maybe he's referring to Jesus' love of the downtrodden?)

The now-dead media savant Marshall McLuhan declared famously of TV that "the medium is the message." If he were alive, I wonder what he would say about the Internet. McLuhan's insight about TV's power has now become a truism about the web too. Once we dreamed about traveling the world in 80 days; 80 seconds is all it takes on YouTube. I imagine it's only weeks if not days before new media company is producing a "Best Of Chris Crocker CD," to be available soon afterwards through NetFlix.

In one of his earlier videos, Chris gives a tantalizing lecture on the meaning of "normal," in which he scorns conformity. "I'd rather be called crazy,'' he says. "In this day and age, crazy is a compliment. ... Normal is like calling me a cunt. Don't call me that. If you call me normal, I'm gonna knock-ya, sock-ya. But if you call me crazy, I'm going to say, "You're sweet."

Chris, you're crazy, and I mean it in the nicest way possible.

Posted September 13, 2007

Britney Spears: A Lesson in Classism and the Media

E

VERYONE'S GETTING a cheap laugh at the expense of Britney Spears' umpteenth so-called comeback, this one at the VMA Music Awards over the weekend where she lip-synched her latest single "Gimme More." A lot of critics and bloggers denigrate the falling starlet for looking fat and slow and self-conscious. Compared to who? I challenge every journalist and blogger who wrote about Britney being fat: post a picture of yourself in a bikini next to Brit's and see who gets the "fat" award. I dare you. Come on, you sharks won't be happy until the young girl's slit her wrists.

The media has taken to reporting on Britney like she's some traffic wreck. Here's what she really is: a young girl barely in her 20s with too much money, two beautiful toddlers, a pretty hanger-on of an exhusband; and a stage mother who sent her off to wear Mickey Mouse ears when she was barely in her teens. No wonder she didn't get an education, ya'll!!!! (That one's for you, TMZ) Blame that on her being her family's meal ticket at an early age. To echo Jodie Foster's recent comments about Lindsey Lohan: Where is her mother? Why did Brit's mother feed her to the vultures at such a young age and then turn on her when she had the audacity to take control of her own life?

Now Britney is left to doggie paddle in Hollywood's pool of slime all by herself. What she needs is a strong agent like Pat Kingsley who can put the fear of God in the media and maybe Britney herself. She needs guidance from someone who doesn't need or care about her money. Maybe Jodie Foster can mentor the little lost girl. Jodie recently commented on Hollywood's exploitation of young girls for financial gain. "When I was their age, there were no big 18-year-old stars. Now, we want the 17-year-olds so we can bleed them for all they're worth and squeeze as much money as we possibly can out of them - and then their career will be over in something like three years." But these standards, Britney is a survivor.

To paraphrase Britney, "Back off bitches." Go pick on someone who can afford the fight, like Oprah.

Posted September 10, 2007

The Curious Charm of Narcissists and Sociopaths

T

HE WORLD is full of fools who believe with great certitude that they know, can know, the interior lives of celebrities and others. To fill their own coffers, the media fulfills these fantasies with articles about the "perfect couple" or the "perfect family," now-divorced love birds Brad Pitt and Jennifer Aniston case in point. But there are dozens, if not hundreds, of stories in which the "saintly" mother or the "loving" husband whose child or spouse have gone missing are ultimately fingered for murder.

This reality comes to mind as Gerry and Kate McCann flee Portugal and return to England declaring that they would never have hurt their "lovely daughter Madeleine." The two physicians have been put on the defensive by Portuguese authorities who have named the couple as suspects in their 3-year-old's disappearance. Friends and family members are adamant that the McCanns would never ever hurt their children. No matter that they are the kind of people who would leave their three children unattended while they dine elsewhere with friends. Murder and neglect are not the same thing, after all.

But I would caution those same friends and family members: wait for the evidence. The wide-eyed Madeleine has been missing four whole months. The McCanns were only fingered as suspects last week, after a redoubled effort to collect forensic evidence reportedly led to the finding of blood in the hotel room from which the child went missing.

I've watched this case unfold in the worldwide media as J.K. Rowling and Richard Branson and even the Pope were touched by the search for Madeleine. I have read about Kate's distress, the couple's vow to never leave Portugal without their daughter, and their plaintive pleas to some phantom pedophile who stole off with their daughter in the night. But the only only thing I know for sure about the McCanns is this: they are the parents of three children, they are both doctors, and they left their children ages 3 and under in a room alone one night in Praia da Luz.

I'm in no rush to believe anything else. For I've seen firsthand and read too much about the charm of the narcissist and the sociopath, empty individuals who feel nothing toward others except entitlement. Who can lie, charm, cheat, and avoid responsibility with the widest of smiles. Check out the symptoms of these creeps, then smile that you are the wiser, and come to a judgement on the guilt or innocence of the McCanns based on evidence. That's what I'm planning to do.

Posted September 9, 2007

Awww, isn't Brad Mr. Nice Guy? (Except when he's dumping his wife and playing sociopaths)

T

hat God's gift to the camera Brad Pitt has been spotted frolicking in public all over the globe during the last three weeks. He's visited New Orleans to promote his "green" project, touted solar and other non-electrical power on NBC's Today Show; appeared at Chicago's Field Museum with some stick figure and a few wee ones in tow; went carriage-riding in Central Park with Zahara; then a baseball game with 'Mad' I, first adopted son Maddox, and 'Mad II,' otherwise known as Mr. Spike Lee, filmmaker.

I should be grateful to see the snaps of Your Handsome. But for some reason I'm getting cranky. Hmmm, let me thing about this for a minute. Is there a reason Mr. Brad wants us all to think of him as Mr. Nice Guy? Could it be because he wants us all to run out and see his new movie "The Assassination of Jesse James by the Coward Robert Ford."? I'm sure Braddie Boy hopes that his good deeds land a bigger box office than Saint Angelina's did with her performance in "A Mighty Heart." Try as the media did to get viewers out to pay homage to one of their own, the movie grossed $4 million in its opening weekend. And nary a nasty word from the media big boys. It pays to be pretty and well connected and to earn those boys money when they post your picture!

On another entirely different note, seems Senator Larry Craig (and not the Larry alleged to have done nasty deeds with former media pariah of the moment, Howard Stern of Anna Nicole fame) is rumored to be considering fighting the allegation that he solicited an undercover cop for sex in a Minnesota airport. Yes, yes, yes. I want to see this happen: His career is over no matter what. But just think of what he'll do to quash such arrests in the future. I want to hear testimony from the "experts" that playing footsie and waving underneath a toilet stall is indisputable evidence of solicitation for sex. I want this example of lawlessness to go to a jury trial, and I want to hear some jury foreman say, "Yes, a wave underneath the john is evidence of a crime." I think Mr. Craig might be on to something as he solicits opinion by releasing his trial balloon on an abrupt change of hear to quit the Senate. Do us all a favor, Senator, will you? Now that you're out of the closet, or at least out of the stall, please follow Arlen Spector's advice. (God love this Republican. And why is he a Republican? Doesn't he know there is no such thing any longer as a moderate Republican?" )

Posted September 5, 2007

Two Larrys Accused of Gay Sex All the Buzz

T

wo Larrys are making headlines for allegedly partaking in or wanting gay sex. Does this mean it's a slow news cycle? Or has the definition of news (fallen) changed dramatically?

Soon-to-be ex-Senator Larry Craig has resigned his Congressional seat after more than 25 years of public service. All because another "public" official, this one much farther down in the government pay scale but with a badge, claims the Senator played footsie with him in an airport bathroom. While the Republicans have ostracized Craig, his children allege to see the truth in their father's eyes and back up his claim that he is not gay. I'm sure we have yet to hear the final chapter of this story.

Yes, yes, I know the Republicans have to feed a stalwart Party man to the Religious Right when the issue is gay sex. And yea, yea, you're not gay Senator Craig. Say whatever you want about either of these talking points. But the biggest "What the Fu--!@" to me is that there are law enforcement officers staking out public restrooms in search of men allegedly looking for gay sex. What planet do we live on? I wonder how that guy justifies his living. When did this type of entrapment become okay?

Keeping Senator Craig company is Larry Birkhead, daddy to Anna Nicole Smith's love child DannieLynn. I don't even want to type the much- repeated promotional blurb for MSNBC's former barking seal Rita Cosby. Suffice is to say that Larry was allegedly caught with his pants down in the company of former arch nemesis and competition Howard Stern. Someone's blowing something with this story but I'm not sure it isn't just hot air. I guess we'll have to wait 10 years for the fallout of this libel suit to see who wins this one.

In the meantime, professional prevaricators Tony Snow and Karl Rove take their leave from the White House. May they rest in the peace outside the public eye.

Posted September 4, 2007

Britney, We Thank Thee

O

NCE again Britney shows her rosy rump cheeks. In his bid to get full custody, Fed-Ex's acolytes claim he's motivated by his young sons' wellbeing and not by Brit's residuals. A Republican Senator is outed as hypocrite after educating a nation on the nuances of soliciting gay sex in public bathrooms. And now the nation's number one Cowboy Bush seeks to protect the very communication companies that enabled his rough riding over Americans' civil rights post 9/11. (Quick, someone search donations to the RNC!)

Welcome to CrabbyGoLightly! Where power and celebrity are viewed between slitted eyes. Where the naive are encouraged to embrace the dark truth: not everything you read is true and photos do too lie. Didn't your mother teach you anything? In her own raw WAY WE HAVE TO THANK Britney for keeping things real. Hers is not a derriere that has been shaped by hours spent on the Stairmaster. Despite her codependence on the paparazzi, her in-your-face panty- less shenanigans remind us all she's only human. Because of her, the liposuction-less among us can walk more safely. Thanks for that Britney.

Posted September 1, 2007

Home
September 2008
August 2008
July 2008
June 2008
May 2008
April 2008
March 2008
February 2008
January 2008

CONTACT CRABBY

HOROSCOPES

SAMPLE CANDIES

• Art+O+Mat
• Hey, Be Us!
• Lamb @ Tumblr
• Creature Comforts
• Eugene and Louise Bakery
• The New Yorker
• YES or NO DC
• Bad Banana
• FFFFound

BLATHER

• The Huffington Post
• TMZ
• Gawker
• Vulture
• Perez Hilton
• Jezebel
• Popbytes
• New Paparazzi
• Egotastic
• E!Online
• Snarkerati
• Access Hollywood
• OMG!
• x17Online
• Gabby Babble
• Monsters & Critics
• The Superficial: Because You're Ugly
• The Pop Crunch Show
• Dlisted
• Mollygood
• Celebrity Rush

CORPORATE MEDIA

• The New York Times
• Time
• Newsweek
• The Washington Post
• The Los Angeles Times
• New York Daily News
• The Philadelphia Inquirer
• The Philadephia Daily News
• ABC
• CBS
• CNN
• Fox News
• MSNBC

JUMP TO:

• HOME
• September 2008
• August 2008
• July 2008
• June 2008
• May 2008
• April 2008
• March 2008
• February 2008
• January 2008

ADVERTISE HERE